Torn between lover and husband

[Dexter Morgan]

Hey White Flower, you're arguing with a fence post. There's really no point.

 

oh, and I suppose that she is going to see something my way.....wouldn't that make her a fence post too?

 

But hey, this isn't about either one of us.

 

 

Some people can't see beyond their own hate.

 

oh brother:rolleyes:

[Dexter Morgan]

Not you Reebs:cool:

 

not me either

[Dexter Morgan]

Are you wanting her to be consistent in her 'torn' status? I'm not sure her H would be.

 

no, but if she is torn she needs to bring that to the forefront and face it with her H.

 

If not, then her husband is just unknowinghly going through the motions and doesn't know he has a wife that pines for another guy.

 

 

Remember the time(s) I suggested you not be stuck in anger? That seems to be a quality inherent in you

 

again, nice try:cool:

 

She isn't stuck. She started a thread and it has progressed from there. Just like my 'He swept me away this weekend' thread turned into a breakup in the end. It's called evolution.

 

ok, so you are of the belief that she completely does not want the OM and absolutely, without discussion, no longer longs for him? She just dumped all those feelings eh?

[White Flower]

ok, so you are of the belief that she completely does not want the OM and absolutely, without discussion, no longer longs for him? She just dumped all those feelings eh?

Dexter, of course she didn't just dump all those feelings. But out of respect for her H she did dump the OP. Her feelings will settle over time and through MC. Don't hold her responsible for her feelings, just her actions. You may still love your exW even though she hurt you but I'm not going to hold you responsible for that. If you daughter gets spanked for eating the cookie I'm not going to hold her responsible for liking the cookie, only holding her responsible for eating it when you asked her not to.

[Dexter Morgan]

Dexter, of course she didn't just dump all those feelings. But out of respect for her H she did dump the OP.

 

uh huh, but she is still "torn". So I ask again, does her husband know this?

 

 

Her feelings will settle over time and through MC. Don't hold her responsible for her feelings, just her actions.

 

What do you think MC is? It focuses on actions AND feelings. What do you think would get accomplished in counseling if feelings were left out of it and it was just mandated that certain actions stopped? There wouldn't be a need for counseling.

 

 

You may still love your exW even though she hurt you but I'm not going to hold you responsible for that.

 

first off....don't think so.

 

second, if I were in love with the X, it isn't a betrayal of someone else unless I started a new relationship.

you are talking apples and oranges here, we are talking about the feelings for someone else that she betrayed her husband with. BIG difference.

 

 

If you daughter gets spanked for eating the cookie I'm not going to hold her responsible for liking the cookie, only holding her responsible for eating it when you asked her not to.

 

a cookie......LOL... I don't think anyone has ever gone to counseling over feelings about a cookie:rolleyes:

[pizzagirl]

Wrong! Do you honestly think your children won't pick up on the kind of relationship that you and your H have. You don't love him and that will eventually translate. Kids learn how to be in relationships from parents. You are going to doom your H to a life with you without his consent. First you cheat on him and then you cheat him out of real love and a real marriage for the sake of "you". You don't want to appear the the bad guy in your kids eyes. Just tell them that you two would be happier apart. They will adjust. The person I was married to had no right to steal my life and the right to be loved from me because he was being so damn noble. It hurt the kids and it damn near destroyed me. Do your husband, your children and yourself a favor....let him find a life on his own.

 

 

This is the best reason to be honest. Your children chose the kind of relationships they see. Do you want to be talking to your daughter or son in the future who marry "nice and stable" spouses who They are cheating on because They are not exciting enough? My Father was the Invisible nice guy and she was emotionally distant and witholding and guess despite much counseling what kind of relationships I have and whom i have chosen to have an affair with?

 

Quit USING your husband for stability while you get your jollies elsewhere, if not for you for the sake that your children will chose better as well. Do not stay with your husband out of pity either, they will see that as well. Move on and let him move on as well.

[White Flower]

What do you think MC is? It focuses on actions AND feelings. What do you think would get accomplished in counseling if feelings were left out of it and it was just mandated that certain actions stopped? There wouldn't be a need for counseling.

Like I said...

Her feelings will settle over time and through MC. Don't hold her responsible for her feelings, just her actions.

[Dexter Morgan]

Like I said...

 

but according to you, her feelings should be left out of it.

 

So a MC doesn't have much to go on if thats the case.

[reboot]

She didn't say to leave her feelings out of it, just not to hold her responsible for them. In a situation like this, punishment is pointless.

[Dexter Morgan]

She didn't say to leave her feelings out of it, just not to hold her responsible for them. In a situation like this, punishment is pointless.

 

Ok so a marriage counselor could ask her about her feelings.

 

And then say, "wow, that was in interesting story, but because I can't hold you accountable for you feelings and your refusal to be honest with your husband, I can't comment on it.......but it was a fun story nonetheless";)

[reboot]

You're purposely missing the point. Or perhaps twisting the point. I'm not sure. Either way it's not much help for the OP. We really shouldn't be here simply to condemn.

[Dexter Morgan]

You're purposely missing the point. Or perhaps twisting the point. I'm not sure. Either way it's not much help for the OP. We really shouldn't be here simply to condemn.

 

I'm not. I commend her for saying she is remorseful. Problem is, she is "torn" and her husband will more than likely be taking steps to work on the marriage while not knowing the full truth.

 

He doesn't know she is questioning who she wants. Unless she is adamant about staying out of contact with the other man and drops this "I'm torn" stuff, then he doesn't know he has to fight for his own wife against another man.

[reboot]

I agree with you about this. What she should do is tell her husband exactly what she's told us so that they can fight for their marriage.

 

But the fact that she still has some feelings for OM is pretty normal, and hardly insurmountable. I'm pretty sure that's all WF was trying to say.

[Passion4Life]

I'm not. I commend her for saying she is remorseful. Problem is, she is "torn" and her husband will more than likely be taking steps to work on the marriage while not knowing the full truth.

 

He doesn't know she is questioning who she wants. Unless she is adamant about staying out of contact with the other man and drops this "I'm torn" stuff, then he doesn't know he has to fight for his own wife against another man.

 

Dexter , from her earlier posts , I think op had decided to cut off all contacts with OM even before her husband found out . So it seems like op is trying her best to repair her marriage & OM isn't in picture anymore . let's just wish her luck .

[White Flower]

Ok so a marriage counselor could ask her about her feelings.

 

And then say, "wow, that was in interesting story, but because I can't hold you accountable for you feelings and your refusal to be honest with your husband, I can't comment on it.......but it was a fun story nonetheless";)

It's pretty much normal to have lingering feelings and those will fade over time. It is her actions that matter right now.

 

I agree with you about this. What she should do is tell her husband exactly what she's told us so that they can fight for their marriage.

 

But the fact that she still has some feelings for OM is pretty normal, and hardly insurmountable. I'm pretty sure that's all WF was trying to say.

Exactly.

[Owl]

How are you doing, NR?

[White Flower]

How are you doing, NR?

Yes, please N-R, we need an update and are pulling for you.

[JustJoe]

Jeesus, people!! How many times is this going to happen, before y'all wise-up? NR came here for help, and was getting it, then (as usual) the posters personalities took over the thread, and it became a shouting match between those posters, who are sympathetic to her, and those who are not. So......now she's probably reluctant to come back. Great Job!! I started some threads a couple of weeks back and was constantly reminding the posters as to the purpose of the thread. This is November Rain's thread, it's about her. If you can't put aside your own angst, to help , then why are you here? If you need to vent, open your own thread, and spend your own dime.......................November Rain, I would like to hear from you , and if you want, to up-date us on the situation. Please try to take any advice you get here, with a grain (or a bag) of salt. Most posters mean well, but they get carried away. I'm pulling for you, Sweetie, and hope that things are progressing.:)

[Sunshine16]

Wow, there's been a lot of interest in this thread. Too much for me to spend the entire night reading through every reply. All I did was read the original post and the first page of replies, so if I say anything that's already been said, well, hopefully it just reinforces what the others have said.

 

November-Rain, you sound just like me about a year and a half ago. About the only thing different is I'm a guy. Oh yeah, and your husband hasn't found out yet. Yet. And that's good, because there's still time to get your $hit together before it's too late.

 

I was married (am kinda still, though we're on our way to divorce) to a wonderful woman who gave me everything I should have needed. I was a happy man living an idyllic life. An amazing wife, two equally amazing kids, a good job, the whole thing. Then a little over 20 years in, I stumbled on a woman who I thought was the be-all and end-all.

 

We "connected" in a way my wife and I didn't. We were "soul mates". She "got" me. Suddenly, I "loved my wife but wasn't in love" with her. My OW was the "love of my life". We would "live happily ever after".

 

Every frickin' cliche in the book.

 

And, dear N-R, in my experience anyway, they really are just cliches. Unfortunately, I didn't realize that until it was too late.

 

My wife caught us once and forgave me. The second time she wasn't so forgiving, and we've been apart since. And wouldn't you know it, it wasn't until then -- when the marriage was on the brink -- that I realized that the OW wasn't quite as special as I thought she was. Faced with the loss of the woman I really loved, I ditched the OW -- the onetime "love of my life" -- and turned my back on her for good.

 

I know that's harsh -- I treated two women with absolute disregard for their feelings -- but the point is, the woman I thought was soooo wonderful suddenly was a pariah. Two years ago, I couldn't have imagined it. I remember telling OW that no matter what happened, I would never regret what I did. Well guess what? I regret it more than I've ever regretted or will regret anything in my life.

 

So, November-Rain, as you ponder your predicament and your feelings for your husband and your OM, please consider the experiences of those who have gone before you. I refused to believe my feelings for the OW weren't real. They had to be. But they weren't.

 

Maybe your feelings for OM are real. And maybe you really don't feel the connection you once did with your husband. But I doubt it.

[rebuildingmyself]

November-Rain - the same thing is happening to me - with the huge exception that my husband found out. Our D-Day was 10 months ago and it has been ups and downs ever since. I tried very hard to completely eliminate the OM from my life but we work together and so I constantly have contact. It has been very difficult to get the OM out of my head. Recently, when my H and I decided to separate, my OM contacted me (after 3 months of nothing but purely work related contact) and we started back into some old, and not so good habits, like emailing and talking on the phone. This has been destructive to me - I'm finding that in trying to end my marriage, the contact with my OM is just too much to handle. I did confess to my H certain things that very much hurt him but he is still willing to work on the marriage even knowing that I am not "in love with him". The fact of the matter is I do love him and have 21 years of attachment to him - and five kids. The kids know what I did and still love and respect me - it is possible to continue having a good relationship with your children even if they find out what you did... but I am still hesitant to make future plans with my OM even when he says he is also getting a divorce. I fear the "crash and burn" that others speak of. What my H and I have decided is to be separate and see what each of us wants. The in love feelings of an A are , I fear, fleeting. My A lasted 4 years and it's almost been another year since it was discovered. My OM thinks we are still in love and sees it as a sign that we will last. However, I have more reservations and cannot take the guilt - I see it destroying the love I have for him. So.... this isn't easy on anyone.... I accept the responsibility I have for allowing the A. My H is learning to recognize what reasons I had for starting the A. However, an A is an immature way to handle the stresses of a M.

[turnera]

rebuilding, do you feel you 'owe' your husband anything for what you have done?

[rebuildingmyself]

Tunera - do I "owe" him anything? I did think I owed him a lot - I tried to make it up to him. He had his own indiscretions 12 years ago and I guess I had my own reasons for not really letting go of that - plus he was the first to break the wedding vows so I felt entitled. NOT COOL. But it's life. I am in the ambivalent stage of separation. I want to love my husband and continue to raise our children together. I don't want to do it out of obligation, though. Is that what you're getting at?

 

November-Rain - I didn't know about any bickering on this site. I also only read your post and the first page of replies. I am a sympathetic ear if you need one - I am a cheater and know what it feels like to be torn. During my four years of the A I tried to end it numerous times. It isn't easy to break the bad habit an A becomes. However, I will tell you it's very unhealthy - even when you might feel those endorphines and think you're healthier (and have so much more energy) than you ever have in your life.

[turnera]

What I was getting at was whether you can place yourself in a position of telling yourself that you have to put your own 'wants' aside for awhile so that you can focus on the marriage itself, rather than what YOU get out of the marriage. For instance, do you believe that - for the time being - your kids' well-being trumps your own?

[lkjh]

November-Rain - the same thing is happening to me - with the huge exception that my husband found out. Our D-Day was 10 months ago and it has been ups and downs ever since. I tried very hard to completely eliminate the OM from my life but we work together and so I constantly have contact. It has been very difficult to get the OM out of my head. Recently, when my H and I decided to separate, my OM contacted me (after 3 months of nothing but purely work related contact) and we started back into some old, and not so good habits, like emailing and talking on the phone. This has been destructive to me - I'm finding that in trying to end my marriage, the contact with my OM is just too much to handle. I did confess to my H certain things that very much hurt him but he is still willing to work on the marriage even knowing that I am not "in love with him". The fact of the matter is I do love him and have 21 years of attachment to him - and five kids. The kids know what I did and still love and respect me - it is possible to continue having a good relationship with your children even if they find out what you did... but I am still hesitant to make future plans with my OM even when he says he is also getting a divorce. I fear the "crash and burn" that others speak of. What my H and I have decided is to be separate and see what each of us wants. The in love feelings of an A are , I fear, fleeting. My A lasted 4 years and it's almost been another year since it was discovered. My OM thinks we are still in love and sees it as a sign that we will last. However, I have more reservations and cannot take the guilt - I see it destroying the love I have for him. So.... this isn't easy on anyone.... I accept the responsibility I have for allowing the A. My H is learning to recognize what reasons I had for starting the A. However, an A is an immature way to handle the stresses of a M.

 

I know a lot of MW and OW are going to sympathize with this but this post has selfish written all over it.

 

especially the line about your H learning to recognize your reason for having an A.

 

You may think your kids still respect you but wait till they get older and live through something like this

[rebuildingmyself]

Yes, I do believe my kids' needs trump my own. I do feel selfish. I do still want to work on my marriage because the relationship wasn't so horrible - just lacked the chemistry you find in an affair. I have hated myself so much for many months now. I appreciate the honesty seen on these threads. I should have found a site like this a long time ago. I didn't do things the right way at all. Now my AP (the MM) is making me feel bad for stringing him along too. I'm really seriously screwed up. However I'm tired of making excuses and am ready to really start the business of rebuilding a workable marriage to a guy that I've know more than half my life.