Torn between lover and husband

[fooled once]

jthorne-You are right, I think deep down, he already knows. I'm so scared for what I am to reveal to him. Sleeping with OM is what will surely drive him to divorce me.

 

And that is his right. You took away so much from him because of your lust and your disrespect of him.

 

You just don't want to tell him because you have NOW decided you want to be married.

 

I really don't believe you are in physical danger because of his 'threat' -- I think you are using that as an excuse to not tell him. I really do.

 

You have - on your own - blown apart your life. You have forever changed your marriage. Had your H not discovered the affair, I truly believe you would still be in it. Go back and re-read your first post on this thread...

 

Quick history-I've been married for almost 15 years to a a very good man, he is a wonderful father to our three sons. Our lives are consumed with children, school, and sports. OM, has always been in and out of my life since we were 14 years old. The times I did see OM, was when we were teenagers, young adults, saw him on and off when he was married, although I did not know he was at the time, but when i did find out he was married, it was too late, I was in love with him. However, when I did marry my husband I broke it off with him, and had no contact for 4 years. Talked to him on the phone for a few months, lost contact again till Nov. 2009.

 

I feel like I've been leading a double life, and it's exhausting!!! My husband has no idea I am having an affair. I see OM about 3 times a week. OM, is married but seperated for 6 months now, he lives on his own. He wants me to tell my husband that we are in love, also says he wants to marry me. I have so much guilt in betraying my husband. I would die if my children ever found out, I live in constant fear of being caught. I love my husband, but I feel such a connection to my lover, I don't want to let him go, I can't stop my feelings for my lover, I love him dearly. At the same time, I don't want to hurt my husband and children, How do I end this??? It seems impossible! I can't let go of him, and he doesn't want to let go of me either.

 

To me, I don't know why you aren't just telling your H the marriage is done. You went from being SOOOOOO in love less than a month ago to now all of a sudden wanting this marriage.

 

What changed? Did your heart change? Do you NOT love the OM anymore?

[Chrome Barracuda]

And that is his right. You took away so much from him because of your lust and your disrespect of him.

 

You just don't want to tell him because you have NOW decided you want to be married.

 

I really don't believe you are in physical danger because of his 'threat' -- I think you are using that as an excuse to not tell him. I really do.

 

You have - on your own - blown apart your life. You have forever changed your marriage. Had your H not discovered the affair, I truly believe you would still be in it. Go back and re-read your first post on this thread...

 

 

 

To me, I don't know why you aren't just telling your H the marriage is done. You went from being SOOOOOO in love less than a month ago to now all of a sudden wanting this marriage.

 

What changed? Did your heart change? Do you NOT love the OM anymore?

 

Wait, you want her to continue the affair and love someone who she had no alliegence to??? WTf is you smoking, her husband isnt a bad man, why doesnt she get a chance to make things right????

 

Why would you want her to continue with the OM? Or is that not sufficent enough she do right by her husband?

 

Anyways. Nov, listen. It's the lies that will end your marriage, from what you posted your husband is on the right track but he should have no more setbacks, no more nightmares in his mind. He ALREADY knows of the affair, shouldnt he know the complete truth to know the whole entirety of what you done???

 

I would like to know. I think deep down inside given time I could reconsile with a cheating spouse, but only if she's in it 100%. Each man is different, each circumstance is different. If she's still hiding and lying about things, I would quickly extricate myself from the situation. Nov. You only get ONE CHANCE to fix this.

 

Just tell him, get it on the table. he needs this... in time you will feel unburdened too. If your in 100% he will see that, and will go with it. You have a great chance of recovery but the lies, mayn the lying WILL be the end...

[reservoirdog1]

Your H doesn't know that you slept with the OM? The OM you've been seeing on the side for over a decade, for the duration of your marriage and longer, and presumably been sleeping with the whole time?

 

It's not just the sex -- it's the fact that the marriage, that institution which was supposed to be the foundation of your life and was, no doubt, the foundation of your H's life, in reality was nothing like he thought it was. He thought you and he were devoted to each other as partners. Turns out, he was the only devoted one.

 

I don't know how your husband will ever be able to get beyond this. His whole marriage to you has been a fraud, based on lies. He won't be able to look back at the marriage and memories of you and him with any kind of happiness -- they'll all be tainted. Hopefully he'll still be able to get some joy from his memories of the kids, his friends, his family members, and his own achievements and accomplishments. In the short term, however, none of what you've described about his post-revelation behaviour is much of a surprise -- the raging, the drinking, wanting sex with you, etc. It's all pretty much textbook. His life as he knew it has just been shattered by your revelation. Right now he's flailing around, like a drowning man, looking for something -- ANTHING -- that he can hang on to, that will make him feel better, make the pain stop. Booze can have that effect. So can sex. And I can tell you, anger can help too -- because being angry feels a HELL of a lot better than being sad.

 

There's an old saying: when the horse is dead, that's a good time to dismount. Personally, I think you should let him go and get on with his life without you.

[fooled once]

Wait, you want her to continue the affair and love someone who she had no alliegence to??? WTf is you smoking, her husband isnt a bad man, why doesnt she get a chance to make things right????

 

IF she isn't going to be 100% truthful and if she isn't 100% invested, why waste her H's time? Why should he forgive her only to find out she lied about sleeping with him and he wastes more time on a marriage that isn't truthful?

 

Why would you want her to continue with the OM? Or is that not sufficent enough she do right by her husband?

 

Doing right by her H .... she hasn't done that yet. She had an affair. That wasn't 'doing right by him'.

 

Anyways. Nov, listen. It's the lies that will end your marriage, from what you posted your husband is on the right track but he should have no more setbacks, no more nightmares in his mind. He ALREADY knows of the affair, shouldnt he know the complete truth to know the whole entirety of what you done???

 

I would like to know. I think deep down inside given time I could reconsile with a cheating spouse, but only if she's in it 100%. Each man is different, each circumstance is different. If she's still hiding and lying about things, I would quickly extricate myself from the situation. Nov. You only get ONE CHANCE to fix this.

 

Just tell him, get it on the table. he needs this... in time you will feel unburdened too. If your in 100% he will see that, and will go with it. You have a great chance of recovery but the lies, mayn the lying WILL be the end...

 

My point Chrome was if she isn't going to be honest, then the marriage won't work. And she hasn't said anything about truly ending the affair. She talked repeatedly about her heart being with the OM. Why stay in the marriage physically if emotionally she isn't there?????

[SoxPrincess]

Today I can breath just a little. M/C session helped my husband ease up on the anger and constant questioning. Boundaries have been set. The sex part has stopped, I was beginning to really feel as though I was completely worthless....not good for my children.

 

Husband has asked me a few more details about OM, however it seemed to be much more productive rather than hurtful. He also told me that his investigation on my whereabouts, monies, dates/ times, is 98% finished, and that almost all of it matches up to what I have told him.

 

The only part I am petrified about is the part I denied to him, that I slept with OM. I know most of you think I should tell him the truth, but I am really scared! He said he would kill me! He most likely said it out of anger, but I believe it, and It's still to fresh in my memory....I can't bring myself to admit to it. I don't remember If I've mentioned this before, my husband's career is in law enforcement. He has a lot of power, so, with that said he has threatned to make OM's life miserable and even said he would go out of his way and put this guy in jail. Believe me he could if he wanted.

 

A lot of you have given me some really good advice. Most of it, I have applied towards the healing of my marriage. I expect many ups and downs, I am realistic! I know he will get angry and do some more questioning, along with periods of doubt. Who knows if he could ever forgive and trust me again, but I feel it is worth trying. Hopefully this will turnout for the best, I would really like to know what lead me to the decisions I've made to hurt so many people I love and cherish in my life.

 

NR:

 

You're doing a GREAT job & I'm very, very happy to hear that your BS has gone to MC with you and that his anger has subsided...for now. I can tell you from experience that this IS a roller coaster. There will be days that will seem like absolutely nothing is wrong and then there will be days that are absolute hell. You have to allow your husband the time & space to go through all of these emotions (within reason). I can't sit here & say that everything will be done & over in 2 weeks; the truth is, the effects from an A can last an incredibly long time. Like I said before, when I first confessed my A, my H went on a several day rage fest, then everything was fine, then there was some hysterical bonding, then depression, then anger again..and round & round we went. It takes time and if you want to save your M, you have to be patient.

 

Above I bolded two things, the first being the constant questioning. Listen, I know it gets tiresome, perhaps you're embarrassed or as you said, afraid to answer certain things because of his reaction. You must and I mean MUST allow him to go through this phase of constant questioning, even if the questions are redundant. My H asked me a million things, I answered, a few days/weeks later, he'd ask me again & I'd answer again. I can now tell you that my husband told me he did that for several reasons. When he first asked, it was because he needed the answers; even the ones that were most difficult for me to respond to (because I was ashamed). When he would ask me those same questions a few weeks later, it was because he wanted to see if I answered them differently; basically to see if I was being honest. He'd change the wording a little bit, trying to see if I'd slip up, but I never did because I was 100% honest. Obviously I can't say if your H will do this for the same reason or even if he'll go down this path, but be prepared. One of the hardest things for me to do, but one of the most beneficial for my H was to create a timeline. Literally to sit down and write "On September ____ I met xMM at _____ . That night we went back to a friends hotel room and kissed but that was it". "On October _______ xMM traveled to the state we reside in and I told you I was going away for the weekend with a friend. This was when we first began having sex", etc...you get the drift. As I said, it was so hard for me to do this but months later, my husband said it was one of things that allowed him to move on. Maybe even if your H doesn't ask you to do this, offer to and say "I thought this might help in our healing", KWIM?

 

The second thing I bolded; you not telling your H that you had sex with xMM. Cutting right to the chase, you MUST tell him. If you TRULY want to save your M and EVER have a chance at true reconciliation, you MUST tell him. If you don't and somewhere down the road, be it days, weeks, months or years, he will find out and whatever work you've done will be for nothing and you surely will lose him. Get everything out in the open NOW; you've hurt him enough and this will hurt him even more, but one of the worst things you can do to your spouse (after the A), is go down the trickle truth path. My H told me, maybe a year or so later, that one of the only reasons he stayed married to me, besides love, was the fact that from DDay forward, I never lied again and I didn't drag it out. It's painful, it sucks, it's hurtful and you MUST do it.

 

I continue to wish you good luck & please feel free to PM me if you have any other questions. Back when I first starting posting here there wasn't a lot of married women here who had affairs, most were single having A's with married men; so I know how beneficial it can be to have someone to relate/talk to. You can do this!!!

[November-Rain]

NR:

 

You're doing a GREAT job & I'm very, very happy to hear that your BS has gone to MC with you and that his anger has subsided...for now. I can tell you from experience that this IS a roller coaster. There will be days that will seem like absolutely nothing is wrong and then there will be days that are absolute hell. You have to allow your husband the time & space to go through all of these emotions (within reason). I can't sit here & say that everything will be done & over in 2 weeks; the truth is, the effects from an A can last an incredibly long time. Like I said before, when I first confessed my A, my H went on a several day rage fest, then everything was fine, then there was some hysterical bonding, then depression, then anger again..and round & round we went. It takes time and if you want to save your M, you have to be patient.

 

Above I bolded two things, the first being the constant questioning. Listen, I know it gets tiresome, perhaps you're embarrassed or as you said, afraid to answer certain things because of his reaction. You must and I mean MUST allow him to go through this phase of constant questioning, even if the questions are redundant. My H asked me a million things, I answered, a few days/weeks later, he'd ask me again & I'd answer again. I can now tell you that my husband told me he did that for several reasons. When he first asked, it was because he needed the answers; even the ones that were most difficult for me to respond to (because I was ashamed). When he would ask me those same questions a few weeks later, it was because he wanted to see if I answered them differently; basically to see if I was being honest. He'd change the wording a little bit, trying to see if I'd slip up, but I never did because I was 100% honest. Obviously I can't say if your H will do this for the same reason or even if he'll go down this path, but be prepared. One of the hardest things for me to do, but one of the most beneficial for my H was to create a timeline. Literally to sit down and write "On September ____ I met xMM at _____ . That night we went back to a friends hotel room and kissed but that was it". "On October _______ xMM traveled to the state we reside in and I told you I was going away for the weekend with a friend. This was when we first began having sex", etc...you get the drift. As I said, it was so hard for me to do this but months later, my husband said it was one of things that allowed him to move on. Maybe even if your H doesn't ask you to do this, offer to and say "I thought this might help in our healing", KWIM?

 

The second thing I bolded; you not telling your H that you had sex with xMM. Cutting right to the chase, you MUST tell him. If you TRULY want to save your M and EVER have a chance at true reconciliation, you MUST tell him. If you don't and somewhere down the road, be it days, weeks, months or years, he will find out and whatever work you've done will be for nothing and you surely will lose him. Get everything out in the open NOW; you've hurt him enough and this will hurt him even more, but one of the worst things you can do to your spouse (after the A), is go down the trickle truth path. My H told me, maybe a year or so later, that one of the only reasons he stayed married to me, besides love, was the fact that from DDay forward, I never lied again and I didn't drag it out. It's painful, it sucks, it's hurtful and you MUST do it.

 

I continue to wish you good luck & please feel free to PM me if you have any other questions. Back when I first starting posting here there wasn't a lot of married women here who had affairs, most were single having A's with married men; so I know how beneficial it can be to have someone to relate/talk to. You can do this!!!

 

 

SoxPrincess-Thank you so much, your advice is priceless! I have decided to tell my husband that I slept with OM, however I will have to wait until a week from today, that is our next M/C session, I feel safer letting him know there.

[jwi71]

SoxPrincess-Thank you so much, your advice is priceless! I have decided to tell my husband that I slept with OM, however I will have to wait until a week from today, that is our next M/C session, I feel safer letting him know there.

 

I want to warn you...give you time to prepare because I do NOT trust your H's reaction.

 

1) Make plans to stay somewhere else that night. Its a backup in case he flies into rage AFTER the MC.

 

2) The children need to be elsewhere that night regardless.

 

3) Your H will likely ask "detail" Q's of the sex. Answer them. Be honest.

 

4) The PA is damn near impossible to recover from. I managed and STILL filed for D. Wanna know why? Lies and trickle truth. 100% honesty from here on out.

 

Now...there is some good here.

 

With no more secrets, healing can begin.

With no more secrets...YOUR life becomes LESS stressful (the truth truly sets you free)

By admitting this, you are, in the long run, HELPING your H.

 

Your M will get noticeably worse short term. Its hard for man to accept PA - its just how we are wired. However, IF you are open and honest (even when you would rather lie) and IF your H CAN recover...your M might continue and almost return to the place it once was. I'm not gonna lie, an A FOREVER alters the M - certainly from the BS PoV. The M you had pre-A will NEVER return. That is gone, dead and buried. If you have hope that you can once again reach that - you are going to be sorely disappointed. What you CAN have is a new M...that is healthy and vibrant and good.

 

So...you two continue MC...always open and honest.

You go to IC. And even suggest your M go to IC as well.

 

Hope is not lost. You can be happy again in a good fulfilling M - but its never going to be "the same". I just want to set your expectation.

 

Again...I did NOT file because of my xW's PA...I filed because she lied and "trickle-truthed" me.

[November-Rain]

Chrome, FO is NOT telling her to continue the affair.

 

But she does bring up a good point that you, November, need to think about.

Do you really want your marriage, or are you just sorry that you've hurt your husband? Either way is ok, but you need to be honest with him and honest with yourself.

 

There's a reason you fell in love with another man. I'm not saying you should automatically get a divorce or automatically do everything possible to save your marriage because you feel guilty. I am saying you need to be honest about what happened and why.[/quote

 

jthorne-You really brought up some very good points. I would like to know hopefully through M/C the reasons why I fell in love with OM. Not that I'm going to give up everything and run off into the sunset with him...I just want to know if I should be on my own raising my children or should I stay and work it out until I have deep feelings again for my husband. I do love him dearly, but I really question the level of my love for him. Is it the comfort I'm longing for again? Normality I'm seeking? I want to be as fair and honest as possible, because he deserves it! I know it's not fair, but that's the way I feel today. I am so very sorry for hurting my husband, however I need to find out whether I want this marriage to work? I'm not sure if I'm wanting it to work for my children's sake or my husbands as well. I know I care and worry for my husbands well being, but somehow since this happened I feel emptiness within me. I can't touch him, express to him, and give him what he wants. I know he desperatley needs it, because he is constantly on me to do it. I hate myself for not feeling it! The only people I feel true affection and complete love for are my children. I don't even mind at this point not seeing Husband or OM, I want to be on my own, not sure if this is normal to feel or not, because of what happened.

[November-Rain]

I want to warn you...give you time to prepare because I do NOT trust your H's reaction.

 

1) Make plans to stay somewhere else that night. Its a backup in case he flies into rage AFTER the MC.

 

2) The children need to be elsewhere that night regardless.

 

3) Your H will likely ask "detail" Q's of the sex. Answer them. Be honest.

 

4) The PA is damn near impossible to recover from. I managed and STILL filed for D. Wanna know why? Lies and trickle truth. 100% honesty from here on out.

 

Now...there is some good here.

 

With no more secrets, healing can begin.

With no more secrets...YOUR life becomes LESS stressful (the truth truly sets you free)

By admitting this, you are, in the long run, HELPING your H.

 

Your M will get noticeably worse short term. Its hard for man to accept PA - its just how we are wired. However, IF you are open and honest (even when you would rather lie) and IF your H CAN recover...your M might continue and almost return to the place it once was. I'm not gonna lie, an A FOREVER alters the M - certainly from the BS PoV. The M you had pre-A will NEVER return. That is gone, dead and buried. If you have hope that you can once again reach that - you are going to be sorely disappointed. What you CAN have is a new M...that is healthy and vibrant and good.

 

So...you two continue MC...always open and honest.

You go to IC. And even suggest your M go to IC as well.

 

Hope is not lost. You can be happy again in a good fulfilling M - but its never going to be "the same". I just want to set your expectation.

 

Again...I did NOT file because of my xW's PA...I filed because she lied and "trickle-truthed" me.

 

Thank you for your honesty, I think I know what to expect, and it will not be pretty!

[witabix]

Thank you, I will muster up some courage and hopefully find a way in telling my husband the truth...don't know how though.

 

This sounds like a very sad story for everyone invloved. Two people who have loved each other for years, who have spent most of the time apart and married to other people.

 

A man with a family that might be blissfully unaware of how his wife has had her heart elsewhere.

 

Children who sit around the dinner table not knowing how their father has been betrayed by the mother they love.

 

November, please think about this.

 

When you are arranging for you rendezvous with the OM, how stressful is that? How much planning and necessary deceit is there?

 

Would it not be better for you, for a moment forget about everyone else, to put the effort into sitting your H down and starting with...

 

"I have something to tell you. It will come as a big shock I'm afraid. Its going to take me a long time to explain what I am about to say so please hear me out."

 

Then tell him everything you have told us here.

 

There will be tears, anger, hurt, bewilderment and a whole load of pain.

 

It will be worth it for these reasons.

 

You will have your heart back. No more for it to be torn in two by a conflict of staggering proportions.

 

Your H will be free to make his own mind up as to what he is going to do. He is not your responsibilty, and neither is his well being.

 

Your children will forgive you, regardless of what anyone has said. You are their mother and they will always love you. They probably won't like what you have done, but neither do you.

 

Sometimes it is necessary to be self-ish to remain sane and true to your own heart.

 

I do not condone your actions. I am old and wise enough to know that these kinds of things can and do happen all too frequently.

 

The only difference you can make now is to be stout of heart, believe in the value of what you and family have been through, that it wll in some way measure against your actions.

 

Believe in the truth you have inside your heart.

[November-Rain]

Witabix-You are 100% correct! When I tell my husband the complete truth he will be able to make his own decision on whether he wants to stay or not. That's the least I can do, after what I have done to him. The wisdom you have shared is much appreciated, thank you. My only wish if anything, is that my children will learn to forgive me for what I have done to there father and most of all what I took away from them, which is a piece of there innocense.

[witabix]

...............................My only wish if anything, is that my children will learn to forgive me for what I have done to there father and most of all what I took away from them, which is a piece of there innocense.

 

I have every faith in the human spirit. The spirit that is shared between parent and child.

 

I can speak from experience here. My children forgave me when I transgressed against their mother. They forgave me when we divorced.

 

They will understand, eventually. Be patient with them and let them know its OK to say whatever they are feeling towards you. Let them be angry if they need to. Just don't turn your back on them. You have to be strong and take your punishment if they wish to be angry. It will pass.

[Darth Vader]

I definitely want to fix whats wrong in my relationship, but by telling my husband that I'm having an affair? I don't know if thats the right choice at this moment. I can be honest today and upfront about it, however I can't stand the thought of what it would do to him and my children. I don't want to see them suffer over the bad choices I have made.QUOTE]

 

You don't have a choice in not wanting to see them suffer, not now anyway, you lost that choice when you rode your OM. Tell your husband everything, quit stringing him and your children along, quit wasting their lives!

[Darth Vader]

Her running away now is the WRONG idea!!! it shows him she wasnt cut out to stay anyways! Him drinking isnt making things better but her running and sticking her head in the sand isnt working either!

 

She has to get him to stop drinking, and reassure him she isnt going anywhere. If she wants to reclaim this marriage she's gonna have to be strong.

 

And they are hysterically bonding. It's not like he's branding her azz with a hot poker claiming dominance.

 

If she feels unsafe, ok fine. then she should tell him so and then say listen:

 

I love you, i will always love you, I want to work it out but i understand your angry, you have every reason to be. I understand fully. I want to reconcile the marriage and i will do whatever it takes. But i need to not be in an abusive environment. I just need to be at my moms or parents until you can subside the anger. I dont wish to hurt you more than ive already done. But until you can control your anger i just need to not be the focus of it. ok. I'm always here for you. I've scheduled MC, and IC for both of us. I will do whatever it takes to make it right.

 

...Now is that so hard, has she scheduled any type of counciling, has she even understood what this man is going through?

 

Her abruptly leaving and taking the kids does not bode well for all intents and purposes of trying to save your marriage.

 

And those women know who im talking about, not you per se, so don't worry yourself.

 

 

What these ladies may not realize Chrome, is that this is only the start of WWIII!!!!! I mean, he hasn't even hit the anger stage! Oh sure, he's hit anger all right, and right well, but this is nothing, the kid gloves are about to come off! But she caused all of this to happen, not her husband! BTW, if it was a woman who was cheated on, they beat the sucker to a pulp! Such double standards!

 

I'm wondering how old the children are, and if she brought OM to their house, the children may have already seen or heard something, usually children can pick up on an affair, although they may not fully know what's transpiring! Almost like something's not right in the air!

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that she should be abused, but she already has abused her husband and children in the worst possible way!

Edited May 8, 2010 by Darth Vader

[Darth Vader]

This is from another Thread of yours:

 

Despite knowing all the hurt and damage I could potentially cause. I still desire this MM. What has gotten into me? Could I possibly have problems in my marriage I have ignored, or is it normal to have feelings for another man, but just not act on it. I don't mean to sound so simple minded, but these feelings and desires towards this MM are so confusing.

 

 

I don't know if this was about the same OM, or a different one, but, in either case, this shows that you knew exactly what you were doing, and what kind of pain and destruction would be caused! Still, you wanted a wild ride at the expense of your family, and you did!

[White Flower]

November Rain...Leaving your H before you have a D-day would be in your best interest.. The pain you will cause your H and the OM is devastating. Do you have the option to leave your H and live on your own for awhile while making a decision? Hold off on having a R with the OM and take time to know yourself and what you truly want.

 

Take a good look at your M and try to picture how life will be without your H in your life. You say your H is a good father..he will most likely continue to be if you separate.

You should be scared about getting caught..all the ugliness will come out, and you will be forced to make a decision..one you may regret.. Take care Stella

I like this post. I would bail now and be with the one you truly love. Your H will continue to be a good father and your boys will be glad to see their mother happy. If you H is as wonderful as you say, he deserves someone to love him fully. Leave now before a D-day sweetie. You're spreading your caring out too thinly and you're going to crack. Then you'll have an ugly D-day. Trust me, BTDT.

[fooled once]

WF, DDay has already happened....except she lied about sleeping with the OM. That is what she plans to tell her H at the next MC session.

[White Flower]

WF, DDay has already happened....except she lied about sleeping with the OM. That is what she plans to tell her H at the next MC session.

Oh, I see. I only read the first post, sorry. That's what I get for coming in late.

[Owl]

So what's your plan from here, NR?

[November-Rain]

I have read and taken great advice from most of you that have posted on here. Thank you so very much!

 

Life has been hell, not much sleep, lost 10 pounds in a matter of 2 weeks. My husband now knows that i slept with OM, I couldn't hold off until M/C it was eating me alive. He was devastated! The only time I had ever seen him cry was when his mother died. To see him cry will forever haunt me...I hurt him so bad, I know I don't deserve him, however I will make it a point to do right by him for the rest of my life. Not sure if he will stay with me or not, thus far he has not left and he did mention to me that he feels my remorse and sincerity, and that is what is keeping him in the marriage.

 

I am going on N/C with O/M for 1 week now. The only reason I spoke with him after I was caught was because, O/M was doing everything possible to speak and see me. he even went as far as putting a throw away phone in my mailbox, so that I could have contact with him. I have no desire to have any relationship whatsoever with with him. I do care for his well being, however, I think most of it is out of guilt. He is not emotionally ready to end it, and is leaving me many messages on my phone telling me how much he misses me and cannot live without me. I know in time it will pass, but it's still hard to hear. I know I will have my moments of weakness, because of the history O/M and I have shared, it's been an addiction, however, I stand by my decision, to be with my husband 110% and be a wife and mother my family deserves.

 

Within the past 2 weeks I've learned quite a bit about what real love is, unfortunatley it had to be at the expense of hurting my husband and children. I was a selfish woman. I took the easy way out and had an affair. I believe M/C will help me with the necessary tools on bettering my communication skills with my husband and bring me closer to him. I have a hard time giving myself completley to him, not sure if it's due to the guilt I feel or the distance I created by having an affair. Although the distance was something that happened years before I had the affair. I do know that I gave myself completley to O/M- I don't get it! I was much more physical with O/M much more loving, lots of kissing touching, things I never really did with my husband. Hopefully through M/C I can find the answers to help me better sort what led me to the affair.

[bananalaffytaffy]

November,

I wish you and your H the very best in MC. Though your marriage will never be the same, I pray you and your husband are able to have an even stronger marriage someday. If in the end you decide to split, I hope you both will have learned important lessons about yourselves and each other.

 

I know telling him had to be very hard, but you can hold your head high, knowing you told the truth. I think he will ultimately respect you for that.

[Owl]

November...you could be my wife six years ago, a couple of months after our d-day.

 

Here's one thing I'd like you to consider.

 

For us, that was six years ago. We're in a far, far better state today. We had a wondeful mother's day weekend, with our first grandson coming over to visit and spend the day with us!

 

Our marriage is going great. Our kids are doing well, and our lives are good.

 

Seeing us today, you'd have no idea of the sheer HELL we went through six years ago.

 

There's some hope for you and your marriage, my friend. It's possible.

 

We did it.

 

Hang in there...you're on the right track now. Just remember that this is a marathon race to recover your marriage, not a 100 meter dash. It's going to take a long time of hard work to get there. Keep that in mind, and do the best you can right now.

[November-Rain]

November,

I wish you and your H the very best in MC. Though your marriage will never be the same, I pray you and your husband are able to have an even stronger marriage someday. If in the end you decide to split, I hope you both will have learned important lessons about yourselves and each other.

 

I know telling him had to be very hard, but you can hold your head high, knowing you told the truth. I think he will ultimately respect you for that.

 

Yes, it was very hard to tell my husband, it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life. Thank you for your well wishes, I really needed it.

[bentnotbroken]

You need to change your number and you and your H draft a NC letter together spelling out your decision to work on your marriage without further contact from him and that legal action will be taken if your wishes aren't honored. Every time you think about breaking NC(and you will) for whatever reason, remember your H's tears and what being involved with MM has cost you and mostly your family.

[November-Rain]

November...you could be my wife six years ago, a couple of months after our d-day.

 

Here's one thing I'd like you to consider.

 

For us, that was six years ago. We're in a far, far better state today. We had a wondeful mother's day weekend, with our first grandson coming over to visit and spend the day with us!

 

Our marriage is going great. Our kids are doing well, and our lives are good.

 

Seeing us today, you'd have no idea of the sheer HELL we went through six years ago.

 

There's some hope for you and your marriage, my friend. It's possible.

 

We did it.

 

Hang in there...you're on the right track now. Just remember that this is a marathon race to recover your marriage, not a 100 meter dash. It's going to take a long time of hard work to get there. Keep that in mind, and do the best you can right now.

 

 

Owl, you give me hope, I hope someday My marriage can get to where you are today. I got a really long way to go....but it's so nice to hear that there is hope. I made a really bad mistake, I hope others will learn from my mistakes before this happens to them. It is pure hell to go through the guilt of hurting the ones you love, I will most likely live with this guilt for the rest of my life.

 

Was the affair worth it? NO!!! If I could take it back, I would in a heartbeat.