Torn between lover and husband

[Chrome Barracuda]

...it's called the rollercoaster of emotions and you put him on it.

 

If you want to reconsile your marriage. it is imperative that you be 100% in. Own what you have done. confess to your family what you have done and own it. If you marriage has any chance of succession you assure and be there for your husband in his time of grief. He's gonna go through many stages, the anger phase and it all.

 

But dont hold that against him, it is only natural.

 

Let him vent, let him be angry, but keep loving him. He's gonna be in a lot of pain, but any of those issues with the om or doing things disresepctful to the marriage, it needs to stop on your end...

 

Permanently.

 

I think your husband will be back together with you, but it's gonna be an uphill battle, he's gonna go back and forth in his feelings any man would.

[MorningCoffee]

I agree with CB's post but would add, the alcohol-fueled anger MUST subside. Plenty of hurt and anger, as well as letting H learn what he needs to learn to process the A, will all be much more safely exchanged in MC. I would not tolerate threats of physical harm, or else you may allow your guilt to keep you in an increasingly dangerous situation.

[Lecturer]

Let me preface this by saying I don't judge cheaters, and I am very empathetic to your situation.

 

You and your husband are both blinded by overwhelming emotions right now. You both need to try to get some control of yourselves and look at things with open eyes.

 

now, something made you cheat. Something in your life was insufficient, and you sought it elsewhere. That has likely not been fixed, but has dropped off the radar for other things. I'm sure you've noticed how you have ZERO desire for the other man, right? That is part of what I'm talking about.

 

I'm not sure your marriage should continue. You came here not saying "I want to end my affair.. I need my husband and only him". For that reason, I don't think your desire for the marriage to continue is strong enough... right now you only want it to continue out of fear and discomfort (you want everything happy and calm and the way it was.. you want that love and support your husband and kids gave you).

 

Your husband will now never think of you the same way. He only wants the marriage to continue for the same reasons (fear, regaining comfort), but also to restore his ego, which you've destroyed. The ego thing is also the reason for the latest sexual aspects - expect that to continue. Also, expect the questions on every little detail to continue... it is a matter of control/power; he needs to feel complete control/knowledge over you to re-empower himself.

 

While I may disagree with organized religion, the priest's advice was correct. What you did is no excuse for your husband to mistreat you like that (no, you don't deserve that, but moreover, your KIDS don't deserve to see that). Your husband needs to take control of himself, for your kids sake, and (ironically) your marriage may have to end for this to be achieved. It very well could be in the best interest of your children.

[fooled once]

Actually, there have been several threads before in Infidelity about "hysterical bonding". Google it and you will see several hits on it. MANY betrayed spouses do this.

 

I am not sure what you expected him to do when he found out his wife has been cheating on him. You seem shocked by his behavior but I am sure he was shocked and extremely broken hearted by what you did.

 

In addition, you are lying to him still about not sleeping with the OM.

 

Regarding the 'threats', many times you hear the betrayed spouse say "I want to kill xyz" (you, the other person, themselves) when they find out the person they loved and cherished has been sneaking around, lying, betraying them and turned their world upside down.

 

I commend him for wanting to work on the marriage, but you also can't expect him to just shrug his shoulders and go "okay, thanks for telling me" and move on with life.

[Just a stone's throw]

ndg. This is why I have not confessed my A to my H. I see your scenario unfolding before my eyes... different players.... I cannot imagine how painful it is.

 

I am thinking of you and hope you are doing well.

[Samantha0905]

Husband sounds crazy as crazy can be -- whispering in your ear he would kill you? Whack job. Get out of there.

[bentnotbroken]

I will admit I don't know much about hysterical bonding, but this strikes me as a control issue: " he had me do things I've never done in my marriage before, I was scared and did it anyways."

 

I will always agree that you should repent and show remorse for betraying your husband. But I don't think it's fair for him to make you afraid you will be harmed.

 

 

It's not control. It is reclaiming what he believes was taken from him. He wants her to perform the acts that he thinks she did with another man for him. He may view her in a garden tool fashion and try to treat her as such. That is never right and don't allow it to happen. But you need to educate yourself to the destruction that your choices have brought to you and your family. You need to learn what to expect, how to deal with it and learn the difference between acceptable and non-acceptable behavior for both of you.

 

Your children shouldn't have been made to be afraid, but he is probably telling the truth about the alcohol induced black out. That needs to end, especially when the children are present. Put on your big girl panties, now that you have "BEGGED" him not to divorce you and do the right thing to regain his trust and your dignity. That means answer his questions no matter how many times he asks and don't hold back when he needs the truth. It will hurt, it will make things worse....but only for a time. Lie and you blow any chance you have out of the water. Good luck to you.

[2sunny]

it seems removing him from the house (or you leave with your kids) is a good idea while he is in this unpredictable and volatile state. do not put yourself and/or your kids safety at risk. he needs to process everything and time to calllllmmmmm down. nothing can be resolved while a person is in this alcohol induced raging state. only harm and bad memories for your kids.

 

since he knows some of the truth - i would recommend telling him everything. best environment for that is in a counselors office. to hold back on the truth now will only haunt you later.

 

the sex - YOU should never go along with things you aren't comfortable with. tell him NO! when YOU are ready - you will participate. but to do so under his demands and guidelines is beyond a healthy boundary in a marriage.

 

get some counseling... you need to have someone sort through all the chaos for you - with some idea of what happy may look like for you.

 

at the moment - being by yourself for a long while may be the best choice... considering both men are making high and unreasonable demands. counseling can help you. to step waaaay back and give yourself time for clarity is key.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Wow you ladies, do not just get it.

 

What i said was the truth. She should not reject her husband any more than what she already has!!! saying no, what again? she already screwed someone else for a very long time, now she gets to reject him again for his current behavior when it's only natural when he feels angry, that his wife is screwing someone else? WTF?

 

Y'all ladies always on oh if he's abusive leave, oh he sounds dangerous, blah blah blah. But if you know this about your husbands why the F would you jeopardize your lives by willing to engage in the affair in the first place!???

 

WTF!

 

Y'all make me sick. Y'all need to stand up and own up to what y'all done, you expect a man to cry if he finds out the woman he loves is screwing someone else?! you expect him to be nice about it! HELL NO!!!!!

 

You do something to hurt someone than expect them to be angry.

 

Sounds like an excuse to leave anyways. Bunch of cowards.

[2sunny]

Wow you ladies, do not just get it.

 

What i said was the truth. She should not reject her husband any more than what she already has!!! saying no, what again? she already screwed someone else for a very long time, now she gets to reject him again for his current behavior when it's only natural when he feels angry, that his wife is screwing someone else? WTF?

 

Y'all ladies always on oh if he's abusive leave, oh he sounds dangerous, blah blah blah. But if you know this about your husbands why the F would you jeopardize your lives by willing to engage in the affair in the first place!???

 

WTF!

 

Y'all make me sick. Y'all need to stand up and own up to what y'all done, you expect a man to cry if he finds out the woman he loves is screwing someone else?! you expect him to be nice about it! HELL NO!!!!!

 

You do something to hurt someone than expect them to be angry.

 

Sounds like an excuse to leave anyways. Bunch of cowards.

 

who are you referring to when you say YOU? me? NOPE! i've never cheated chrome... i was simply stating to remove herself and her kids until he settles down and can talk reasonably instead of putting her kids in fear. this type of scene can have marked detrimental scars for kids growing up - they certainly don't understand the full picture and only see what the alcohol has brought to the forefront in their Father. not ideal at all for kids.

 

his sexual demands are out of line considering the circumstances. a woman should never be participating in sex out of fear and anger.

 

wait - give it time - then address the issues and see if there may be a place to begin the healing - or if it's beyond repair.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Her running away now is the WRONG idea!!! it shows him she wasnt cut out to stay anyways! Him drinking isnt making things better but her running and sticking her head in the sand isnt working either!

 

She has to get him to stop drinking, and reassure him she isnt going anywhere. If she wants to reclaim this marriage she's gonna have to be strong.

 

And they are hysterically bonding. It's not like he's branding her azz with a hot poker claiming dominance.

 

If she feels unsafe, ok fine. then she should tell him so and then say listen:

 

I love you, i will always love you, I want to work it out but i understand your angry, you have every reason to be. I understand fully. I want to reconcile the marriage and i will do whatever it takes. But i need to not be in an abusive environment. I just need to be at my moms or parents until you can subside the anger. I dont wish to hurt you more than ive already done. But until you can control your anger i just need to not be the focus of it. ok. I'm always here for you. I've scheduled MC, and IC for both of us. I will do whatever it takes to make it right.

 

...Now is that so hard, has she scheduled any type of counciling, has she even understood what this man is going through?

 

Her abruptly leaving and taking the kids does not bode well for all intents and purposes of trying to save your marriage.

 

And those women know who im talking about, not you per se, so don't worry yourself.

[2sunny]

Her running away now is the WRONG idea!!! it shows him she wasnt cut out to stay anyways! Him drinking isnt making things better but her running and sticking her head in the sand isnt working either!

 

She has to get him to stop drinking, and reassure him she isnt going anywhere. If she wants to reclaim this marriage she's gonna have to be strong.

 

And they are hysterically bonding. It's not like he's branding her azz with a hot poker claiming dominance.

 

If she feels unsafe, ok fine. then she should tell him so and then say listen:

 

I love you, i will always love you, I want to work it out but i understand your angry, you have every reason to be. I understand fully. I want to reconcile the marriage and i will do whatever it takes. But i need to not be in an abusive environment. I just need to be at my moms or parents until you can subside the anger. I dont wish to hurt you more than ive already done. But until you can control your anger i just need to not be the focus of it. ok. I'm always here for you. I've scheduled MC, and IC for both of us. I will do whatever it takes to make it right.

 

...Now is that so hard, has she scheduled any type of counciling, has she even understood what this man is going through?

 

Her abruptly leaving and taking the kids does not bode well for all intents and purposes of trying to save your marriage.

 

And those women know who im talking about, not you per se, so don't worry yourself.

 

i only said leave until it is safe for all to return. i never said run away. i don't see her sticking her head in the sand. he isn't a safe person to be around if he's drinking 3 bottles of wine a day and showing such rage - especially unpredictable, hurtful, volatile behavior to his kids.

 

NO ONE can get another to stop drinking. period. only HE can address that. if he stops - that would allow a starting point to begin talking rationally about the damage she's done - and IF it all can be mended/repaired. i think she has seemed willing to try when he is acting more rationally. that's a good placed to start - she needs to face owning all of it though - when the environment is safe for the truth to be revealed.

[SoxPrincess]

November-Rain:

 

I've been where you are & I know exactly what you're going through. In September of 2005, I had an A with a MM for 11 months. The only differences in our situations are that I did not know xMM prior to our A and had no "lifelong bond", etc with him & I confessed my A to my husband before he could find out the way your H did.

 

My H (and most BS's) go through the rage phase; for your H and mine, it included alcohol, the threats, the screaming...all of it and for me, I felt I deserved every bit of it. We did go through a period of hysterical bonding, but I never did anything I didn't want to do. When we went to MC, we discussed the hysterical bonding and my H said it was to "reclaim" what was his, but again, he never forced me to do anything and I never would have agreed to it and neither should you. Reconciliating, hysterical bonding should NOT be about physical abuse or putting you in a situation where you feel threatened. My H called me every name in the book (again, deservedly so), but he never threatened me or made me feel my life was in danger. If you feel that his rage/threats put you & your children in danger, then GET OUT. I don't see this as "running away", I see it as protecting yourself and most importantly, your kids.

 

With that said, YOU need to do the work to make this right. In the weeks following DDay, my H also said he wanted to divorce me & there wasn't a thing that I could say to change that. All I could do was SHOW him how sorry & remorseful I was, do the work *I* needed to do to repair myself and hope & pray that it would be enough. Your husband may never come around and you may end up getting a D, but that shouldn't stop you from fixing what you need to fix. Start going to counseling, look inside of you and REALLY decide what you want; if you think you're just going to end up going back to OM, then either go along with your H's divorce proceedings or file yourself. DO NOT decide to fix your M and give your H the impression everything is just hunky doory now and go back to the A.

 

Eventually, if your H decides to stay married to you; you need to be 150% transparent. No passwords on the computer, cell phone always available for him to look at, etc...whatever it takes. Write an NC letter to the OM via registered mail and let him know that you are fully invested in fixing your marriage and there is no room for him in your life. In addition to IC, start going to MC with your H (if he agrees to do so) and truly DO.THE.WORK.

 

It's been almost 5 years since my A ended and it has been a long, hard and painful road. My marriage now is much stronger, not because of my infidelity, but in spite of it. I have done a lot of work and I continue to do that work and I couldn't be happier. Marriages can recover from infidelity, IMHO, but the WS needs to be fully invested, ready, willing & able to carry the load and do the work.

 

I wish you lots of luck in whatever path you choose.

[Tommy's Girl]

Hi

 

I think you really need to consider this carefully. Your children will NEVER forgive you. If you decide that you want to leave your H, you really need time on your own. Mostly to get your head sorted but also to allow time for your children to accept the end of what sounds like a lovely family life. Once you have had a year or more without your H- and no lover- then maybe MAYBE- you can introduce your lover into your real life.

 

But be careful- what you are feeling now is honeymoon stage. Euphoric brain chemicals are not day to day life. Your lover and you will hit the normal boring rut of all relationships- think he'll be as lovely as your husband at that stage. Maybe not.

 

Dont compare apples and oranges. Lively romantic affairs cannot compare to normal life. But only one will make you happy in the long run- and my money isnt on the affair.

 

GS

 

 

Not necessarily. My dad cheated on my mom for four years. We didn't find out about it until later. I forgave my dad. I love him. I hate what he did, but I don't hate him.

[Owl]

November, I think I'd cautioned you before...do NOT accept abuse at the hands of your husband, even if you somehow feel you deserve it for what you've done.

 

His anger/rage/confusion...is all understandable.

 

With that said, it does NOT give him the right to humiliate you, abuse you, or mistreat you. It does NOT give him the right to do so in front of your children either.

 

TELL HIM POINT BLANK THAT YOU WILL NOT ACCEPT THIS FROM HIM ANY LONGER.

 

If he wants to reconcile, you're open to it (assuming you are, of course).

 

If he wants to end the marriage...you can understand.

 

But, if he wants to abuse you, or 'make you pay' for what you've done...you're NOT going to sit there and accept that.

 

Be strong, do what you need to in order to protect yourself and your kids.

 

Make it clear to him that what he's done is NOT acceptable, nor will you tolerate it any longer.

 

If you honestly feel that it's not safe for you to take such a stand...then take your kids and go to a safe shelter.

 

What you've described is abuse. Emotional and physical.

 

What he's done is NOT 'hysterical bonding'. I've been there...it IS bonding, it's NOT insisting on things that you've never done before...it's not about humiliating or hurting you or forcing you to do things you're not comfortable with.

 

PROTECT YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILDREN FIRST.

 

Tell your H your boundaries here...make it clear that you're willing to reconcile with the sane, loving man you've known...but that this insane, abusive person he's become isn't someone you're going to stay with.

[November-Rain]

Her running away now is the WRONG idea!!! it shows him she wasnt cut out to stay anyways! Him drinking isnt making things better but her running and sticking her head in the sand isnt working either!

 

She has to get him to stop drinking, and reassure him she isnt going anywhere. If she wants to reclaim this marriage she's gonna have to be strong.

 

And they are hysterically bonding. It's not like he's branding her azz with a hot poker claiming dominance.

 

I have to disagree with you there. I know you think I'm a piece of crap! However, a woman is most vulnerable when she is naked and to be forced to do acts she does not want to do, is wrong! Again, I am not excusing any bad behavior on my part. I know I screwed up big time!!!

 

If she feels unsafe, ok fine. then she should tell him so and then say listen:

 

I love you, i will always love you, I want to work it out but i understand your angry, you have every reason to be. I understand fully. I want to reconcile the marriage and i will do whatever it takes. But i need to not be in an abusive environment. I just need to be at my moms or parents until you can subside the anger. I dont wish to hurt you more than ive already done. But until you can control your anger i just need to not be the focus of it. ok. I'm always here for you. I've scheduled MC, and IC for both of us. I will do whatever it takes to make it right.

 

Thank you, this is almost exactly what I said to my husband yesterday, he seems to be more at peace today after I told him. He is willing to try and give our marriage another chance, but not making any promises, which of course I understand. it's still too soon. I am at his complete mercy. Our counseling session yesterday helped him bring some clarity to his anger. My wanting to please him, at all costs was not something our M/C thought would be healthy for him or me, the sex has stopped!

 

...Now is that so hard, has she scheduled any type of counciling, has she even understood what this man is going through?

 

Her abruptly leaving and taking the kids does not bode well for all intents and purposes of trying to save your marriage.

 

And those women know who im talking about, not you per se, so don't worry yourself.

 

I will continue to reassure my children that they are safe, and that there father and mother love them very much, but if neccessary I will leave with them if he displays any signs of drinking and violent behavior. I know I brought this on, I know I have a lot of making up to do. It will be hard work, it's only been a little over a week, but I am willing to give it my all.

[fooled once]

I just hope you realize it could very well take months, if not years, before he ever trusts you again or HE feels secure again. You took that all away from him

 

I wish more Married Women who have affairs would see the damage they are causing their spouse when they decide to have a fling, an affair, a ONS, a FwB's situation.

 

For the love of all that is good, LEAVE YOUR SPOUSE if you want new exciting sex. STOP deciding the life of your partner because YOU cannot control yourself - and that is what it comes down to - lack of control/lack of morals/lack of respect.

 

I feel so incredibly sorry for your H because he didn't deserve to have his entire world blown apart. You did that to him and that is so shameful and so ugly.

 

As for the 'threats' - I can totally see myself telling my spouse I could kill him for what he did to our family should he ever do this to me. I can totally see myself saying I could kill his OW.

 

I would venture a guess that most people would say this when their world is blown to bits.

 

I think if you were really scared, you would have left. But in some ways, you need to feel the victim in all this so that you don't have to 100% own what you did to your own family - your husband, your kids, your parents, your siblings.

 

I don't blame him one bit for telling everyone - that is one thing that MANY betrayed spouses do - they expose the affair and the cheater. Go read the infidelity board and see how so many of these betrayed spouses feel ashamed, feel guilt, feel rejected because their spouse couldn't control themselves.

 

I hope you really open up in counseling and tell the entire truth - so that your H has all the facts so he can make up his mind if he wants to forgive you and focus on the marriage. Just don't expect him to "get over it" in the next week or two.

[November-Rain]

Today I can breath just a little. M/C session helped my husband ease up on the anger and constant questioning. Boundaries have been set. The sex part has stopped, I was beginning to really feel as though I was completely worthless....not good for my children.

 

Husband has asked me a few more details about OM, however it seemed to be much more productive rather than hurtful. He also told me that his investigation on my whereabouts, monies, dates/ times, is 98% finished, and that almost all of it matches up to what I have told him.

 

The only part I am petrified about is the part I denied to him, that I slept with OM. I know most of you think I should tell him the truth, but I am really scared! He said he would kill me! He most likely said it out of anger, but I believe it, and It's still to fresh in my memory....I can't bring myself to admit to it. I don't remember If I've mentioned this before, my husband's career is in law enforcement. He has a lot of power, so, with that said he has threatned to make OM's life miserable and even said he would go out of his way and put this guy in jail. Believe me he could if he wanted.

 

A lot of you have given me some really good advice. Most of it, I have applied towards the healing of my marriage. I expect many ups and downs, I am realistic! I know he will get angry and do some more questioning, along with periods of doubt. Who knows if he could ever forgive and trust me again, but I feel it is worth trying. Hopefully this will turnout for the best, I would really like to know what lead me to the decisions I've made to hurt so many people I love and cherish in my life.

[November-Rain]

November-Rain:

 

I've been where you are & I know exactly what you're going through. In September of 2005, I had an A with a MM for 11 months. The only differences in our situations are that I did not know xMM prior to our A and had no "lifelong bond", etc with him & I confessed my A to my husband before he could find out the way your H did.

 

My H (and most BS's) go through the rage phase; for your H and mine, it included alcohol, the threats, the screaming...all of it and for me, I felt I deserved every bit of it. We did go through a period of hysterical bonding, but I never did anything I didn't want to do. When we went to MC, we discussed the hysterical bonding and my H said it was to "reclaim" what was his, but again, he never forced me to do anything and I never would have agreed to it and neither should you. Reconciliating, hysterical bonding should NOT be about physical abuse or putting you in a situation where you feel threatened. My H called me every name in the book (again, deservedly so), but he never threatened me or made me feel my life was in danger. If you feel that his rage/threats put you & your children in danger, then GET OUT. I don't see this as "running away", I see it as protecting yourself and most importantly, your kids.

 

With that said, YOU need to do the work to make this right. In the weeks following DDay, my H also said he wanted to divorce me & there wasn't a thing that I could say to change that. All I could do was SHOW him how sorry & remorseful I was, do the work *I* needed to do to repair myself and hope & pray that it would be enough. Your husband may never come around and you may end up getting a D, but that shouldn't stop you from fixing what you need to fix. Start going to counseling, look inside of you and REALLY decide what you want; if you think you're just going to end up going back to OM, then either go along with your H's divorce proceedings or file yourself. DO NOT decide to fix your M and give your H the impression everything is just hunky doory now and go back to the A.

 

Eventually, if your H decides to stay married to you; you need to be 150% transparent. No passwords on the computer, cell phone always available for him to look at, etc...whatever it takes. Write an NC letter to the OM via registered mail and let him know that you are fully invested in fixing your marriage and there is no room for him in your life. In addition to IC, start going to MC with your H (if he agrees to do so) and truly DO.THE.WORK.

 

It's been almost 5 years since my A ended and it has been a long, hard and painful road. My marriage now is much stronger, not because of my infidelity, but in spite of it. I have done a lot of work and I continue to do that work and I couldn't be happier. Marriages can recover from infidelity, IMHO, but the WS needs to be fully invested, ready, willing & able to carry the load and do the work.

 

I wish you lots of luck in whatever path you choose.

 

I've read your post over and over again, thank you....I feel there is hope.

[Owl]

Stay with MC...plan on it for a LONG time ahead. There is going to be a LOT of damage for you two to work through.

 

And I'd suggest that you plan on telling your H the full truth sometime in the near future.

 

Full recovery is impossible without full disclosure...that's my opinon.

 

But I also don't suggest you put yourself in danger. OM being in danger...that's his problem now, not yours. But if you're truly afraid of what will happen when your H finds the truth, the BEST thing you can do is to manage how he finds the truth, and ensure that you and your children are protected from his actions at that time.

 

Don't put it off forever assuming he'll never know...because then he'll find out when you're NOT prepared and the risk will be even greater.

 

As a law enforcement guy, he's got more resources than most to find out the truth.

 

Get a PLAN in place ASAP to help you get this all resolved safely. I'd suggest a 'one on one' with your MC in which you tell them the truth, and the fear you've got of your husband's actions.

[Chrome Barracuda]

You must be a 100% truthful. Your husband already knows about your affair but he wants to hear the truth from your lips. He deserves the truth, he is your husband, It's not right to keep him in the dark. He has already suffered alot, and holding back more secrets is only gonna hinder your recovery.

 

He needs the truth to forge ahead!

[November-Rain]

You must be a 100% truthful. Your husband already knows about your affair but he wants to hear the truth from your lips. He deserves the truth, he is your husband, It's not right to keep him in the dark. He has already suffered alot, and holding back more secrets is only gonna hinder your recovery.

 

He needs the truth to forge ahead!

 

My unacceptable behavior has deeply hurt my husband, however, telling him that I slept with OM will hurt him even more. Why do that to him now? I do not want to hurt him any further. Why does he need to know? What purpose does telling him at this point do for him? I know he will surely divorce me if I tell him, He has expressed to me that it would be "the final nail in the coffin"! As far as his threat of killing me, I don't think he would follow through, yet it still frightens me like you would never believe. I really want this marriage to have a chance. I can't bring myself to tell him that one part!

[Chrome Barracuda]

How hard is it to put everything on the table, when right now you are in the rebuilding stages he didnt hear the truth from you when he needed to.

 

You need to man up as they say and come correct!

 

He could divorce you if he doesnt know the truth! his peace of mind can mean all the difference in between staying with a woman who's gonna give her all, or a woman who will trickle truth him to death.

 

You know sometimes it's not the infidelity and cheating, it's the lies. The lies when he knows it's lies but your still lying to protect yourself! or him! or any misguided ideal of protection.

 

November, do you want to reconsile or not!? Bottom line is how can he know what he's dealing with unless he has the complete picture! you cant give it your all if your still hiding things!

 

You just cant because if he does attempt reconsiliation and then finds out down the line you still lied when he asks you for the truth, that can be the end of it all. no more setbacks, no more lying, no more manipluation, pick a side and stick with it!

[November-Rain]

How hard is it to put everything on the table, when right now you are in the rebuilding stages he didnt hear the truth from you when he needed to.

 

You need to man up as they say and come correct!

 

He could divorce you if he doesnt know the truth! his peace of mind can mean all the difference in between staying with a woman who's gonna give her all, or a woman who will trickle truth him to death.

 

You know sometimes it's not the infidelity and cheating, it's the lies. The lies when he knows it's lies but your still lying to protect yourself! or him! or any misguided ideal of protection.

 

November, do you want to reconsile or not!? Bottom line is how can he know what he's dealing with unless he has the complete picture! you cant give it your all if your still hiding things!

 

You just cant because if he does attempt reconsiliation and then finds out down the line you still lied when he asks you for the truth, that can be the end of it all. no more setbacks, no more lying, no more manipluation, pick a side and stick with it!

 

I think I am a coward and I am terrified of facing him when he finally knows that one last part. I feel deep inside he already knows.

 

I am sorry for what I will have to put my husband through, this will really end it all. I know he will divorce me. My children will hate me.

 

I know eventually I will have to tell him, I most likely will tell him at our next M/C session (a week from tomorrow).

[November-Rain]

You will have to tell him at some point. In fact, he probably already knows deep in his heart. If you continue to lie, he'll know and he'll never be able to fully trust you again. I'm not saying to tell him right this minute, but he does need to know the truth. You have to own everything. You can't just own half truths.

 

jthorne-You are right, I think deep down, he already knows. I'm so scared for what I am to reveal to him. Sleeping with OM is what will surely drive him to divorce me.