Are Paternity Tests Insulting?

[Rhythmic]

So a few years ago I got fully tested for various stds.

Didn't have any particular reason to but did it for the peace of mind considering at that point I had sex with only three different women and each time a condom was used. Indeed I haven't ever had sex without a condom.

 

Never was truly worried that I had anything but did it because I am one of those OCD type of people who rather have that full assurance regardless.

 

Is this impossible to believe by some of you and that the real truth is that I must be some sort of manslut having sex with tons of women without protection since there is no other reason to get std test unless you believe you've had lots of unprotected sex with dirty women? If I told a woman I got these test is it ok for her to believe I am a manslut by default who has had lots of unprotected sex and should dump me right away? Since it would imply that I've done tons of risky sex even though I haven't and I know I haven't?

 

 

Reposting this. Nobody is willing to answer that last paragraph?

[threebyfate]

No offense Rhythmic, but it's impossible to answer questions that make no sense, hence uncertain why they're applicable to this thread. Maybe if you restate them in a different way? Or better yet, rather than trying to lead with questions, just state your point directly.

[Rhythmic]

Just sent that post to three other people on my IM list and they all managed to understand that last paragraph. The very fact you know I am trying to lead somewhere with that question shows you know exactly what I was saying.

 

So once again. Is it impossible to believe that somebody who does not engage in tons of risky unprotected sex would be willing to get std test done just for the peace of mind of knowing for sure he has no stds even though he has no reason to believe he has any?

 

If a woman found out a man got an STD test is it ok for her to dump him because she believes he is a manslut who has tons of sex with lots of women since getting an STD test must imply that he has lots of unprotected sex with women? This all sounds pretty simple to me. By the logic some of you women have shown in this thread both of those answers should be yes. Correct?

[threebyfate]

So once again. Is it impossible to believe that somebody who does not engage in tons of risky unprotected sex would be willing to get std test done just for the peace of mind of knowing for sure he has no stds even though he has no reason to believe he has any?

I still don't see the correlation to the opening topic. It's very different for someone to initiate tests on themselves, rather than someone wanting another to initiate tests to prove themselves. When you initiate STD tests on yourself, in essence, you don't trust your prior partners. When someone wants to initiate tests on you, they don't trust YOU.

 

If a woman found out a man got an STD test is it ok for her to dump him because she believes he is a manslut who has tons of sex with lots of women since getting an STD test must imply that he has lots of unprotected sex with women? This all sounds pretty simple to me. By the logic some of you women have shown in this thread both of those answers should be yes. Correct?

I don't see how this is applicable.

[sally4sara]

If a woman found out a man got an STD test is it ok for her to dump him because she believes he is a manslut who has tons of sex with lots of women since getting an STD test must imply that he has lots of unprotected sex with women? This all sounds pretty simple to me. By the logic some of you women have shown in this thread both of those answers should be yes. Correct?

 

So are you trying to suggest that women should, of their own volition, always get a paternity test for every kid they have, you know, just in case they unknowingly got pregnant by some other guy and forgot? Just to be certain and it shouldn't imply anything about their sexual history or value on fidelity?

 

I too, had trouble understanding your point. You could just state your view rather than trying to manipulate a specific situational answer that might or might not apply to paternity testing.

[Rhythmic]

None of those questions are directed at the first post. They are directed at the "anybody who asks for a paternity test means they think their wife/girlfriend is cheating on them and you don't trust them crowd.

 

Also, I did trust them. I also trusted the fact I used a condom each time. It was done simply for peace of mind of knowing 100 percent sure. Not because of any trust issue. So this is something that you believe is impossible then? That somebody could do something just for the sake of knowing 100 percent but it HAS to be some form of trust issues?

 

 

This says a lot about women. Thanks.

[threebyfate]

Ummm...the difference is, you can get an STD unknowingly, especially HPV, but you can't get pregnant by another man without cheating, unless you're in an open relationship or are just dating around.

[Rhythmic]

Except the guy never gets pregnant. He can never know for sure it is his. EVER. Just like I could never know for sure I didn't have any stds. Ever. Till I had the test. You never know for sure.

 

Thus, Getting an std test means I don't fully trust the girls I slept with and getting a paternity test means I don't full trust my wife? This is how you are saying this all works right? There is no possible other reason right? There is no way somebody would get either done just for the peace of mind? Since those are the 100 percent only ways a man can know for sure for both. Since it is not a man who has to carry the child. A woman will know it was "her" kid. A man has no real assurance besides just trusting her right?

[sally4sara]

Except the guy never gets pregnant. He can never know for sure it is his. EVER. Just like I could never know for sure I didn't have any stds. Ever. Till I had the test. You never know for sure.

 

Thus, Getting an std test means I don't fully trust the girls I slept with and getting a paternity test means I don't full trust my wife? This is how you are saying this all works right? There is no possible other reason right? There is no way somebody would get either done just for the peace of mind? Since those are the 100 percent only ways a man can know for sure for both. Since it is not a man who has to carry the child. A woman will know it was "her" kid. A man has no real assurance besides just trusting her right?

 

Yup, that is what I am saying.

[Stung]

I made it a habit to get tested yearly when I was single as a matter of being careful with my health and the health of others, I don't consider it an indication of 'sluttiness' to be knowledgeable about your health and considerate of the health of others. Even when I had been celibate for a year and only had sex within the confines of a monogamous relationship before that, I was tested when I first began to see someone else.

 

STDs can linger quietly and unnoticed in the human body for years before surfacing, the same is simply not true of a fetus. If you are in a committed monogamous relationship with a woman for a significant period of time, which is the scenario speculated by in the OP, and she becomes pregnant--barring a case where she has been a victim of sexual assault--either you know you are the father, or you believe she cheated on you. There is no third option, unless you are concerned about alien implantation.

 

I was unclear on your point, also. I don't think it says anything about women except that we can tell the difference between apples and oranges.

[Rhythmic]

Yup, that is what I am saying.

So yes to both? Interesting. So everything really a trust issue with women. That says a lot thanks. Edited March 6, 2010 by Rhythmic

[Rhythmic]

 

I was unclear on your point, also. I don't think it says anything about women except that we can tell the difference between apples and oranges.

 

 

 

Except they come to the exact same answer to that difference between apples and oranges. They still believe it is 100 percent about trust with even STD test just the same even if they are different situations.

 

This does say something about women.

[Stung]

I'm not sure how you turned a paternity test between a committed couple into 'everything is a trust issue for women...that says a lot.'

[threebyfate]

Both source from trust issues. It's blatantly obvious.

 

Okay, I'm off to get my own paternity test, since it's apparently the rational thing for me to do to myself. Who knows what I might have been up to when sleeping.

[Rhythmic]

I'm not sure how you turned a paternity test between a committed couple into 'everything is a trust issue for women...that says a lot.'

 

 

 

Except I didn't. Wasn't just about the paternity test. Isn't just about the STD thing either. This is all just more of the same. I am sure it does say a lot. It should be saying I believe women are full of insecurities that they project on men constantly. This is starting to become a running theme really.

[A O]

^ ^ ^

Well paternity tests are a big deal, but you're right, asking for one doesn't automatically mean that there's a trust issue at hand, and like most things, depending on how one asks (and the circumstance at hand) then this doesn't have to be a major issue at all.

 

 

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[threebyfate]

^ ^ ^

Well paternity tests are a big deal, but you're right, asking for one doesn't automatically mean that there's a trust issue at hand, and like most things, depending on how one asks (and the circumstance at hand) then this doesn't have to be a major issue at all.

'Splain how a pat test isn't a trust issue.

[sally4sara]

Except I didn't. Wasn't just about the paternity test. Isn't just about the STD thing either. This is all just more of the same. I am sure it does say a lot. It should be saying I believe women are full of insecurities that they project on men constantly. This is starting to become a running theme really.

 

If I am in a good relationship and nothing hinky has happened, how else should I take it for my partner to think he is being lied to?

 

You may decide to get an std test because YOU KNOW there is a possibility of having an std be the result of your actions.

You asking someone who has given you no reason to wonder to get a paternity test is because of YOUR insecurities, not the woman's. A woman isn't going to just get a test if she knows she hasn't slept with someone other than the father. While pregnant, it requires a needle in the belly and puncturing the placenta to extract DNA - who would chose that just to make sure they didn't sleep*uck some other guy?

After the kid is born, I still don't see some woman who has only slept with their partner bringing undue drama into the mix. Unless SOMEONE is insecure about her actions.

 

Talk about projecting insecurity.....

[A O]

'Splain how a pat test isn't a trust issue.

From my perspective, it would be a reassurance issue, for me - diddly squat to do with her. Much like how Rhythmic's std test would be piece of mind for me, rather than a trust issue against someone else. The circumstance that best suits all this - couples in the early stages of their relationship.

 

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[sweetjasmine]

Ummm...the difference is, you can get an STD unknowingly, especially HPV, but you can't get pregnant by another man without cheating, unless you're in an open relationship or are just dating around.

 

I made it a habit to get tested yearly when I was single as a matter of being careful with my health and the health of others, I don't consider it an indication of 'sluttiness' to be knowledgeable about your health and considerate of the health of others. Even when I had been celibate for a year and only had sex within the confines of a monogamous relationship before that, I was tested when I first began to see someone else.

 

STDs can linger quietly and unnoticed in the human body for years before surfacing, the same is simply not true of a fetus. If you are in a committed monogamous relationship with a woman for a significant period of time, which is the scenario speculated by in the OP, and she becomes pregnant--barring a case where she has been a victim of sexual assault--either you know you are the father, or you believe she cheated on you. There is no third option, unless you are concerned about alien implantation.

 

I was unclear on your point, also. I don't think it says anything about women except that we can tell the difference between apples and oranges.

 

I agree with both of you.

 

The STD issue and the pregnancy issue are not equivalent. You can pick up an STD even if you practice safe sex with a monogamous partner and you can carry it without showing any symptoms. Even if you think you're clean, you may not be, so it's less a matter of trust and more a matter of simple healthcare.

 

Now if I were married to my husband for 15 years and we had both been tested more than once in the past and he suddenly came up to me and demanded I take an STD test, yes, I would be insulted and hurt because he definitely would be implying that I've been sleeping around and that he doesn't trust me.

 

For those of you who think it doesn't signal mistrust to buy a paternity test, can you answer the questions I posted earlier?:

Imagine you and your spouse are trying to conceive a child, and after months of nothing or even a miscarriage, she finally gets pregnant. You're both thrilled and excited, yet you demand that she take a paternity test. How could she not be upset by that? Is it really so difficult to see why that's upsetting?

 

Would you still demand a paternity test if you tried IVF and got pregnant that way? Or if you had been trying to get pregnant for years and spent thousands on fertility treatments and then finally got pregnant? Why?

[threebyfate]

From my perspective, it would be a reassurance issue, for me - diddly squat to do with her. Much like how Rhythmic's std test would be piece of mind for me, rather than a trust issue against someone else. The circumstance that best suits all this - couples in the early stages of their relationship.

If you trusted her, why would you need reassurance?

 

As an example, assuming that you trust your mother, if your mother tells you she loves you, would you ask her to provide proof of such or be running around looking for proof that she does?

[sweetjasmine]

From my perspective, it would be a reassurance issue, for me - diddly squat to do with her.

 

So would you demand a paternity test from your wife of 10 years if you had been trying to conceive for a very long time and finally got pregnant?

 

I mean, you never know. There are only three possibilities:

- it's yours

- it's someone else's and your wife is lying to you

- it's someone else's but your wife got pregnant by this other person without realizing it

[A O]

If you trusted her, why would you need reassurance?

I'll put it another way - this could all indicate that I'm insecure and need extra reassurance rendering all this as my problem not hers. Fairly typical dynamic this. The point being - this doesn't always have to be about the other person!

 

So would you demand a paternity test from your wife of 10 years if you had been trying to conceive for a very long time and finally got pregnant?

I gave the specific circumstance that I believe that my thinking applies.

 

 

 

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[threebyfate]

I'll put it another way - this could all indicate that I'm insecure and need extra reassurance rendering all this as my problem not hers. Fairly typical dynamic this. The point being - this doesn't always have to be about the other person!

Well, no doubt it's about insecurities, but it all sources from trust issues.

 

You didn't answer my question about your mother.

[sweetjasmine]

I gave the specific circumstance that I believe that my thinking applies.

 

Sorry, I didn't see it.

 

But the OP specifically said 'when you have no reason to think she's cheating.'