Author McGrupp Posted November 4, 2009 Author Share Posted November 4, 2009 i cant think of a way out of the maze of thoughts. i really need to see someone and cant figure out how to. Your relationship with what's her name.... it is a very small thing part of who you are and who you are capable of being. I know it feels like you are at the bottem of a hole right now, but only because you haven't climbed out. Find the tools that work for you, climb out.... live life. this is what i need to do Link to post Share on other sites
Author McGrupp Posted November 4, 2009 Author Share Posted November 4, 2009 I am miserable. I did this to myself. I cant even get a therapist. When will this pity party stop Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Joolie Posted November 4, 2009 Share Posted November 4, 2009 I am miserable. I did this to myself. I cant even get a therapist. When will this pity party stop When you start talking about new things. Link to post Share on other sites
Author McGrupp Posted November 4, 2009 Author Share Posted November 4, 2009 ok lets starts. oh yeah i have nothng going on in my life. thats probably why she left me. FUN!! Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Joolie Posted November 4, 2009 Share Posted November 4, 2009 ok lets starts. oh yeah i have nothng going on in my life. thats probably why she left me. FUN!! Okay, well, get something going. What do you like to do? Link to post Share on other sites
Author McGrupp Posted November 4, 2009 Author Share Posted November 4, 2009 i like to write for a sketch group i have. however i havent felt funny in about 2 months and actually had to leave. i also enjoyed sex at one point and going out to eat with a beautiful woman and catching a movie Link to post Share on other sites
Author McGrupp Posted November 4, 2009 Author Share Posted November 4, 2009 i want to break NC. im so bored. i want to apologize for calling her a bitch. i want to ask her to come back. i want to go back. i hate this ****. im so ............ Link to post Share on other sites
soheartbroken Posted November 4, 2009 Share Posted November 4, 2009 Weather the storm. Weather the storm. NC will be easier the longer it lasts (with peaks and valleys mind you). What is the reason you can't get a therapist? Link to post Share on other sites
Author McGrupp Posted November 4, 2009 Author Share Posted November 4, 2009 my ****ty insurance wont cover it unless i have a biological condition (anxiety, deep depression). so i have to go to the pysch and be that ****ed up where he goes to the insurance company im ****ed up. and tells them. but since most would rather just have you pay $$ they arent going to say im ****ed up. but this last guy was like your not ****ed up enough. $200. out of pocket. so im scared to start hitting random therapists. its a catch 22. Link to post Share on other sites
soheartbroken Posted November 4, 2009 Share Posted November 4, 2009 Don't be scared to check out random therapists. Seriously. That's what I did. And there were many that offered sliding scale. For now it would just be good to have someone to talk to, something to look forward to every week. That stuff about people telling you you are not F'd up enough is BS. But anyway, take some good from that! You're sane and functioning! Link to post Share on other sites
PinkToes Posted November 4, 2009 Share Posted November 4, 2009 Two things: Google "affordable therapy" in or near your city. There are cheaper options, and also support groups are less expensive and often just as useful for getting out of the rut. I agree that starting something -- anything -- will help. Also, if you haven't already, re-read this entire thread and see if something helps you in the moment. You're obviously not worthless if so many people here care about you and what you're going through. Link to post Share on other sites
Author McGrupp Posted November 4, 2009 Author Share Posted November 4, 2009 Also, if you haven't already, re-read this entire thread and see if something helps you in the moment. You're obviously not worthless if so many people here care about you and what you're going through.i just did that. and it helped a lot. i keep repeating myself. i do have to kinda man up. im just lost right now. my life (our apt. our dogs our nights and weekends) is done with and now i have to replace those moments. and its hard. so i guess im missing the relationship a lot and also the companionship. Link to post Share on other sites
PinkToes Posted November 4, 2009 Share Posted November 4, 2009 You're getting there, even if it doesn't feel like it. Sometimes the change in lifestyle is the hardest thing to get used to, because everything gets turned upside down when you lose someone you used to share so much with. So there's a huge hole in your life, where she used to be. All you can really do is start to replace the little things, one at a time. And eventually you will have a new life that's even better than the one you lost. At least I'm hoping this is true, cuz I'm still trying to do that myself. :-) Link to post Share on other sites
Author McGrupp Posted November 4, 2009 Author Share Posted November 4, 2009 "its getting hard to be someone, but it all works out" -The Beatles Link to post Share on other sites
Author McGrupp Posted November 4, 2009 Author Share Posted November 4, 2009 i cant stop reading that email. i shouldnt have posted it here Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Joolie Posted November 4, 2009 Share Posted November 4, 2009 Recognizing your addiction is the first step to recovery. =p Link to post Share on other sites
Author McGrupp Posted November 4, 2009 Author Share Posted November 4, 2009 (edited) .............nevermind Edited November 4, 2009 by McGrupp Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Joolie Posted November 4, 2009 Share Posted November 4, 2009 So your sketching... are you going to concentrate more on that now? Is it writing or sketching that you do? Link to post Share on other sites
Author McGrupp Posted November 4, 2009 Author Share Posted November 4, 2009 (edited) is like sketch writing (comedy) and it was my passion for a bit. she was my muse. i would show her my sketches and she would come out to see my shows. but now i have no one in a already lonely hobby. this pain i am experiencing i have created for myself. I treated her as if she had done something wrong when in fact she was just trying to live her life. I am now more miserable then I have ever been. I long to be back with her but know i wont. its killing me i wrote a "im moving on email" and she said back basically, good luck. Edited November 4, 2009 by McGrupp Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Joolie Posted November 4, 2009 Share Posted November 4, 2009 is like sketch writing (comedy) and it was my passion for a bit. she was my muse. i would show her my sketches and she would come out to see my shows. but now i have no one in a already lonely hobby. Great! That is a great hobby. I've always wanted to get serious about writing for plays. And you have a group, too. That's awesome. That's not lonely! Do you get involved in local shows and stuff or does your group have their own thing going?? this pain i am experiencing i have created for myself. I treated her as if she had done something wrong when in fact she was just trying to live her life. I am now more miserable then I have ever been. I long to be back with her but know i wont. its killing me i wrote a "im moving on email" and she said back basically, good luck. When did you write that email? Before or after the one you posted from her? And what did she really say? Link to post Share on other sites
Author McGrupp Posted November 4, 2009 Author Share Posted November 4, 2009 (edited) well my group is in flux right now. i wrote her an email which i got no response to after our phone call last week (which sent me into this downfall, breaking 25 day NC, and realizing she didnt give a **** about me anymore) that was her response email. i guess she responded after i called her a bitch on saturday night and thought i was upset b/c of no response. i was just drunk. she thought the email though was "wonderful!" lol Edited November 4, 2009 by McGrupp Link to post Share on other sites
mickleb Posted November 4, 2009 Share Posted November 4, 2009 Hey Grupp Sorry to hear about your crap situation with the psychiatrist. My first therapist said something similar. Did more harm than good, the lazy F*ck! It can (sadly) take a few attempts before you find somone right for you. Keep at it. I'm from the UK, so it's a little different here. I paid for my therapy, privately, though (somehow - I was earning £8,000 in London!) Do follow up the advice you've been given re. affordable therapy, though. Try the book (Heartbreak To Connection) I suggested earlier, in the meantime. There is a forum at www.abandonment.net you can join for $15 (per annum) and there are lists of local support groups in the US, too. Check it out, please, my dear! I think you're doing well. I do think you have to FORGET the broken NC stuff, asap. It is behind you. You have already moved away from it and you continue to do so with every day, every minute, of NC you keep. Delete her details. Do whatever will make this easier for you. Delete, delete, delete. Keep up your progress. I know you find it hard to believe but you ARE moving on. Every day. You're in my thoughts. x Link to post Share on other sites
jlr Posted November 4, 2009 Share Posted November 4, 2009 McGrupp. I've been where you are. It's awful. I'm not 100% better, but I'm making progress. You will too. It took me a long time to even began to feel any slight progression. I would recommend counseling. It worked wonders for me. You need to work on you, get that confidence back. Believe in yourself again. You can do it, I swear. As for TheBob, maybe you are trying to help, but dude, the whole "man up" thing - not cool. It's sort of homophobic to also say that this thread makes you feel gay. If it does, maybe you're worried about your own sexuality. There's nothing gay or straight, or male or female about expressing emotions, concerns, fears, etc. Those are universal human things. I mean, that's what this website is for. Link to post Share on other sites
Author McGrupp Posted November 4, 2009 Author Share Posted November 4, 2009 The email you wrote me was wonderful. The years we were together were beautiful and exciting. We had so many great times and we bonded in a way that not many people do. I appreciate your understanding of why I feel I needed to be alone - it means a lot to me that you wrote everything you did. I wasn't sure if you wanted me to respond, I was pretty sure you didn't but after the text message you sent to me on Saturday I realized I must have guessed wrong. I am trying very hard to make respect your feelings as I know you want to respect mine. This whole thing isn't easy for me___ as I have told you before. I want you to be happy and feel fulfilled. I really do. I hope you really meant everything you said in your email. If you did I know you will find everything you are looking for. she looks on me like a pitty case. she doesnt respect me. she has moved on. the suicide hotline just called my father. fun. Link to post Share on other sites
Limbo21 Posted November 4, 2009 Share Posted November 4, 2009 I totally disagree. This threads been going on long enough. Thebob said it right. He really does need to man up or I'd say 'get some perspective and grow some balls' I don't believe he's depressed, or is suicidal. It's a cry out for hell that's been going on for nearly 200 posts. Help yourself, get out there and appreciate what you've got tough love? It's better than this mollycoddling that'll go on for another month unless you help yourself Limbo Link to post Share on other sites
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