Author LisaUk Posted July 25, 2009 Author Posted July 25, 2009 Thanks Gunny. Well, I cried again last night, for the first time in a while. I just felt really lonely. It was strange because I didn't miss him per sa, I just missed the life I had, what I thought I had, who I thought he was, not the b*****d he is now. A friend called, which was good, she listened to me going on for over an hour, poor girl. I hate dumping on my friends, I know she says she doesn't mind and she wants to be there for me, but all the same, people must be getting sick of it. Oh, why do we backslide? If only I could keep up the momentum, it is getting better, but the backslides knock me down again. Although, they get less servere each time. Anyway, I'm going out in a hour, swimming with a friend and then maybe an ice-cream at the beach. Will be good to get out, now I just have to remember not to go about this s**t to her!
tojaz Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 A real friend would be willing to listen. I'm sure she dosen't mind.
Author LisaUk Posted July 27, 2009 Author Posted July 27, 2009 Hi, well I really feel the need to post here today, I'm having a really bad one. I keep going over what he has done, I just keep thinking how can someone do this? How could he leave like that, we were together 18 years, how could he just bail saying there were problems which he had deliberately kept hidden. Why would someone do that? Can anyone really act for 3 years, pretend to be happy when they aren't, agree to set the date to marry etc, then just turn round and say I haven't been happy for years, I haven't loved you for years. How can someone go from saying "I love it when you come to bed with me, it makes me so happy, I feel so safe and secure just holding you", to "get out, I haven't loved you in years". How could he get me to have sex with him 10 days before he left, swearing on his own brothers life, just to get into my pants. What is wrong with this human being? How could someone cheapen me that way? I know sex can be differnet for men, but he knew what he was doing was wrong, I feel used. Even looking back at it now, knowing he has a problem with lying, I just can't see any red flags. I've looked and looked, there was nothing. In terms of his lying, was he lying then or is he lying now? What was real, what was a lie? I just don't know anymore. I don't even have any d**m memories that I can trust, he's stripped them all away from me. Every fibre of my being screams at me that this is his problem, his inability to deal with conflict, his issue with commitment. I just feel like I wasted 18 years (the best years) of my life with him. To top it all off, because he used having a family as an excuse, a way to get me to leave him, I gave it a lot of thought and I saw my doctor about the health problems. Looks like it's not as bad as I thought, it would be possible, so long as they keep an eye on me in the early stages. So now, to top it all off I'm broody. Excellent, b****y broody, 33 years old with no husband. I just think back to all those shared times and wonder how in the h**l someone could be so cruel... Sorry for rambling, just needed to get it out.
MrMayI Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 don't worry lisa. you'll never be able to determine what was a lie and what wasn't. if he stood in front of you today, you'd be able to really know how you feel up to now, and i guarantee you it wouldn't be anything close to butterflies, or even pleading for answers. at least, this is what i'm starting to think. in my situation, going a few days without seeing my (hopefully) stbx, and then being a foot from her is actually starting to help me. i can see she is not the girl i fell in love with. i can see that she is crying/not sleeping/wearing out her cell phone, or bed just by looking at her, and i almost, almost don't care. i really took what gunny said to me one day to heart. i don't miss her. i miss the idea of what i thought marriage and the life with it should be. i ordered the steak, and got a plate of ****. i'll go on. i'll eat somewhere else, and a table for 1 suits me just fine, for now.
delajoonal Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 lis... i am SO sorry you are having a day:(...the backslide, like you stated in other posts, are so painful and leave us wondering WHY this keeps happening... gosh, our stories are SO MUCH ALIKE it is just incredible. i too had the sex issues with my H, i asked him, while crying with such disgust and pain, how he could make love to me SO MANY times that week before he left and well, then just leave? i felt like a dirty wh**re..ack! he said, i guess it was a man thing...WhAAAA? so NOT my H...but i now know IT was along with ALL the other crap he is doing, the MLC...so you know, i have contacted you on how amazing that site is for answers... you are 10 years younger than me...so you still have lots of time to heal and meet someone that God thinks you will be better for and with:) i know my posts, most of them don't sound like it, but i do try to think everyday, that God has a plan for me and YOU..and even tho it is very painful right now...the outcome is going to be amazing! you know that saying, "that something really bad has to happend BEFORE something GOOD happens".. well, it may sound silly or weird, BUT i am telling you, looking back on my life..that saying has always rung true... its just that we don't see it while we are in the pain part... we question it, cuss at it, and go thru the whole grieving process for it.. but in the end...something amazing happens and then and ONLY then we can see IT for what IT all was.. make sense?? you are an amazing woman lis..i have read every one of your posts here on LS and you are selfless, giving, kind, warm and loving..and always there for everyone on this board....and always there for me too:) your H is an idiot for NOT seeing how wonderful you are! sorry for the name calling...but i need u to see how great of a person you truly are:) we are ALL here for you Lis..you are always here for US, and we will not let you down today, OK...keep posting ALL your thoughts and emotions and we will get thrus THIS DAY together, OK;) please feel free to private message me too:) i will keep checking back frequently today, i am home all day so i will be here to keep checking..as long as you need us..OK;) take care sweetie..and please do something kind for yourself today! a manicure, a walk, a lunch, a special dessert, anything to make you smile even just for a moment and realise YOU DESERVE THE BEST!
delajoonal Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 p.s. lis, that site you referred me too, well you know...i go back everyday and read it over and over...please do that today too...so you can remind yourself that THIS IS ALL HIM...NOT you! OK... this cruddy mess, is HIS MESS...and no, you do not deserve to be treated with such disregard... please go back and read the that site today a bit..just to remind you that IT is NOT you..again, this is all him..and his crud...he is a mess, and his own inadiquacies and putting them ON you to make you feel like you are lesser than...when IT is all him! ok i hope that made sense;) i just hate to see you back in this place today...i know it happens and we have NO control over it..and the questions keep coming back even tho we know it is NOT US...it is still very hard to deal with and very confusing.. i guess i am trying to say, i GET IT.. and i am here for you:)
Author LisaUk Posted July 27, 2009 Author Posted July 27, 2009 Thanks for your replies MayI and Delajoonal, I am just completely emotionally wrung out today. I'm going to bed now, but I will post properly tomorrow, I really do apprecaite your kind replies, I just can't stop crying today.
tojaz Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Hi, well I really feel the need to post here today, I'm having a really bad one. I keep going over what he has done, I just keep thinking how can someone do this? How could he leave like that, we were together 18 years, how could he just bail saying there were problems which he had deliberately kept hidden. Why would someone do that? Can anyone really act for 3 years, pretend to be happy when they aren't, agree to set the date to marry etc, then just turn round and say I haven't been happy for years, I haven't loved you for years. How can someone go from saying "I love it when you come to bed with me, it makes me so happy, I feel so safe and secure just holding you", to "get out, I haven't loved you in years". How could he get me to have sex with him 10 days before he left, swearing on his own brothers life, just to get into my pants. What is wrong with this human being? How could someone cheapen me that way? I know sex can be differnet for men, but he knew what he was doing was wrong, I feel used. Even looking back at it now, knowing he has a problem with lying, I just can't see any red flags. I've looked and looked, there was nothing. In terms of his lying, was he lying then or is he lying now? What was real, what was a lie? I just don't know anymore. I don't even have any d**m memories that I can trust, he's stripped them all away from me. Every fibre of my being screams at me that this is his problem, his inability to deal with conflict, his issue with commitment. I just feel like I wasted 18 years (the best years) of my life with him. To top it all off, because he used having a family as an excuse, a way to get me to leave him, I gave it a lot of thought and I saw my doctor about the health problems. Looks like it's not as bad as I thought, it would be possible, so long as they keep an eye on me in the early stages. So now, to top it all off I'm broody. Excellent, b****y broody, 33 years old with no husband. I just think back to all those shared times and wonder how in the h**l someone could be so cruel... Sorry for rambling, just needed to get it out. Lisa, I'm going to send you a direct response as well. Just remember what we talked about the other day! Go back and read the PM's You KNOW what was real and what wasn't, you KNOW what he was and what he has become. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!You KNOW YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TOJAZ
lupa Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Oh Lisa -- I swear if we could hold you right now, we all would. Just kept letting it out. Get it out, tell us, we're here to listen. You are not the problem here -- the person that leaves has something going on in their dome. I hope you sleep well, I'll be checking periodically to see if you write any more.
delajoonal Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 ya, what lupa said! SUPER BIG HUGS FOR LISA TODAY!!!!! we are here for your sista!
tojaz Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 :laugh::laugh::laugh: HAPPY TUESDAY LISA :laugh::laugh::laugh: Alright, heres the deal, read this, read my email, then go out and have a fantastic day!! Rainbows, butterflies, the whole 9 yards. No excuses!!! If you don't, I'm going to swim over there and kick your british butt!! :p:p Tojaz
Author LisaUk Posted July 28, 2009 Author Posted July 28, 2009 :laugh::laugh::laugh: HAPPY TUESDAY LISA :laugh::laugh::laugh: Alright, heres the deal, read this, read my email, then go out and have a fantastic day!! Rainbows, butterflies, the whole 9 yards. No excuses!!! If you don't, I'm going to swim over there and kick your british butt!! :p:p Tojaz Well, you're going to be very wet then! I just mailed you, am not a happy bunny still. Sorry. This post made me smile though, thank you!
Author LisaUk Posted July 28, 2009 Author Posted July 28, 2009 Oh Lisa -- I swear if we could hold you right now, we all would. Just kept letting it out. Get it out, tell us, we're here to listen. You are not the problem here -- the person that leaves has something going on in their dome. I hope you sleep well, I'll be checking periodically to see if you write any more. Thank you Lupa, that was a really lovely thing to say, you have no idea how much comfort that gave me. Thank you to everyone who took the time to reply to me yesterday, I appreciate all your support. I'm still not having a good time of it at the moment, maybe I will post more later. Thanks again.
tojaz Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Well, you're going to be very wet then! I just mailed you, am not a happy bunny still. Sorry. This post made me smile though, thank you! Check your E-mail sweetie! I'm going to find my water wings and shark repellant!!! Try and have a good day! TOJAZ
theBrokenMuse Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Delajoonal, quick run down of my story for you, save you wading through all the pages- My ex and I were not married he left me 10 months before our wedding Together 18 years form age 15 Lived together 10 years Engaged 8 years (and there is the reason right there, commitment problems!) I am so sorry what this guy did to you. I must admit, that something very similar happened to me a long time ago and I still haven't gotten over it completely. Jerk gave me abandonment issues out the wahzoo. With people that act this gutless, it really isn't you and you can take that to the bank. Anyone that can just walk away from a solid, loving relationship at the drop of a dime without even having a decent reason is too messed up in the head to ever be able to fully appreciate the relationship or what they have with you. Which, you go on to say in another post how he expects to find 'Mz. Perfect'. This proves that he is ether completely forgoing reality and choosing to live in a fantasy world or that he's set himself up with a great excuse why he will never have to entertain any type of future commitments. After all, no relationships, even in the honeymoon period, touch 'perfect'.
Author LisaUk Posted July 28, 2009 Author Posted July 28, 2009 I am so sorry what this guy did to you. I must admit, that something very similar happened to me a long time ago and I still haven't gotten over it completely. Jerk gave me abandonment issues out the wahzoo. With people that act this gutless, it really isn't you and you can take that to the bank. Anyone that can just walk away from a solid, loving relationship at the drop of a dime without even having a decent reason is too messed up in the head to ever be able to fully appreciate the relationship or what they have with you. Which, you go on to say in another post how he expects to find 'Mz. Perfect'. This proves that he is ether completely forgoing reality and choosing to live in a fantasy world or that he's set himself up with a great excuse why he will never have to entertain any type of future commitments. After all, no relationships, even in the honeymoon period, touch 'perfect'. Thank you. I do know deep down that we had a good relationship, that this is his issue, it's just so hard sometimes because he gave so many reasons, or rather, excuses, that were based in some part on reality. Yet they kept changing and conflicting with one another, if that makes sense? You are correct no relationship is perfect, no one is perfect, hence how he found reasons to justify his behaviour. Really though, the logical side of me knows that I did not do anything wrong, I may have been a bit unfair from time to time, but isn't everyone guilty of that on occasion? He knew me well enough to know my heart was in the right place and why would he have stayed with me so long if I was really making him unhappy? You made a very interesting point about him using the Miss Perfect line as an excuse to avoid any future commitments, I hadn't looked at it that way before. Now I think about it, it seems likely that it is both. I'm sorry that you went through something similar, I know how much it hurts.
Author LisaUk Posted July 28, 2009 Author Posted July 28, 2009 he readily admits that after a bad time 3 years ago I had already done this, as he asked. That I had calmed my temper, that I wasn't as strong or forceful with my opinions as I used to be. He's so contradictoray, one min he's saying "you had such strong views, I just brushed my feelings aside to avoid an argument or hurting you" the next he's saying "although you weren't really like that in the later years". So he has complained that he felt he could not talk to me, yet he says I already did as he asked. I was just reading through my thread from the start, thought it might help, when I came across the above post, from like the first week I was on here. It's like I just had an epihany moment! He almost had me believing his BS about how he felt he could not talk to me, as he has a problem with conflict avoidance and so he would brush his feelings aside. Well then, how come he managed to tell me about the issues he had with me a few years ago, that if I was not able to get my temper under contol (yes, I did have a firery temper, DID), he did not think he wanted to continue in our relationship? I did resolve my temper problems and he has stated this after he left and even thanked me for taking it on board! If he had a b****y problem with conflict avoidance he would not have been able to talk to me about that, thus his reasons for leaving are a complete crock of s**t! Read through your threads people, you never know what you are going to find, now you have had some time and distance and your emotions are calmer!
delajoonal Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 oh lisa.. you are soo right about that crap of NOT wanting any confrontation issues etc...mine said "i am afraid of you!"...wha???? like i ever beat him or something... he said NOT that, but afraid of what my reactions would be if he didnt' always agree with me...OMG! what a p***Y! another excuse, another way to re-write the marriage... i am so glad you went back lisa, cause YOUR post helped me with that today too..lol... NOW, i think that is a great idea..i am going back 5 months of posts and see where i am now compared to then... GREAT IDEA Lis! i sent you mail and posted pics..
tojaz Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 I was just reading through my thread from the start, thought it might help, when I came across the above post, from like the first week I was on here. It's like I just had an epihany moment! He almost had me believing his BS about how he felt he could not talk to me, as he has a problem with conflict avoidance and so he would brush his feelings aside. Well then, how come he managed to tell me about the issues he had with me a few years ago, that if I was not able to get my temper under contol (yes, I did have a firery temper, DID), he did not think he wanted to continue in our relationship? I did resolve my temper problems and he has stated this after he left and even thanked me for taking it on board! If he had a b****y problem with conflict avoidance he would not have been able to talk to me about that, thus his reasons for leaving are a complete crock of s**t! Read through your threads people, you never know what you are going to find, now you have had some time and distance and your emotions are calmer! Sounds like you are doing better today Lisa. Glad to hear it. I've tried going back and reading my old posts. Unfortunately I haven't found answers yet. Kind of getting to the point that I doubt I ever will.
theBrokenMuse Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 If he had a b****y problem with conflict avoidance he would not have been able to talk to me about that, thus his reasons for leaving are a complete crock of s**t! He's grasping at straws Lisa because he doesn't want to admit that this is has nothing to do with you. He is a coward that is running away and now he has to elaborate these BS reasons in order to not feel like less of a man.
Author LisaUk Posted July 29, 2009 Author Posted July 29, 2009 mine said "i am afraid of you!"...wha???? like i ever beat him or something... he said NOT that, but afraid of what my reactions would be if he didnt' always agree with me...OMG! what a p***Y! lol love it! another excuse, another way to re-write the marriage..
Author LisaUk Posted July 29, 2009 Author Posted July 29, 2009 He's grasping at straws Lisa because he doesn't want to admit that this is has nothing to do with you. He is a coward that is running away and now he has to elaborate these BS reasons in order to not feel like less of a man. You're right, he even made a remark during the legals about still being an honerable person! I know he is just using any and every excuse he can to justify what he has done, to himself and maintain his equilibrium. How he has talked himself out of his feeling for me though I can't yet get my head around. Sometimes I think he just never loved me and others I think, as he seemed to struggle with himself those last few weeks, that he is in denial? I don't know why I need to know, it changes nothing and I am never going to really know the thruth. I guess I just want to get it striaght in my own head so I know if I was at fault, so as not to repeat in a future relationship. I just want to get over this and move on with my life. Muse, you are helping me so much, thank you.
Author LisaUk Posted July 29, 2009 Author Posted July 29, 2009 I just re-read some more of my thread. I don't think I am getting anywhere fast. I am no further along than I was 2 months ago. Sure the raw emotional feelings come by less and less and I do feel more detached from him now. Only sometimes do I remember being in his arms and feeling like I was home. However, I'm still asking if it was me or if this was a commitment problem? What is wrong with me?! When am I going to stop? I keep making my mind up to stop, but then I can't. People say, this stops when you decide to stop it. HOW? urgh...................................................................
delajoonal Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 oh lis...i am SO WITH YOU ON THIS ONE... i too am still 5 months later in the same place..BUT like you said, a bit easier at times... with long term like ours were...IT will take more than a few months i suspect...so i am here for you sista til the end..K.. i am off to run some errands..but i will be back because i have to post prolly a new thread about what do we do when the 180 seems to be working..but NOT sure of really what we are hearing or dealing with??? ok..talk soon...
lupa Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 I think it is time for you, lisa, to get out into the pub scene, just to hang out with other folks. Not saying you need to become an alcoholic, I'm just saying it is time to get into a social scene. I know that the answer isn't necessarily finding yourself in another person, but it doesn't hurt to have a distraction. To wit: my date tomorrow night has been on my mind for the last few days, and it makes this all easier.
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