"needing Time And Space"

[glasshammer]

Niki,

 

The sucky thing is that there is no really fool proof advice to give on this kind of stuff.

You got to really talk to that dude though. Ask him what means most to him. You can be a good exclusive

relationship but still be able to go out with friends and have a good time. Someone giving up a great partner..

someone they claimed they loved more than anything, to go out and be single is an idiot.

[cortez002]

im glad i stumbled across this forum.....its good to hear other people's experiences and i kind can kinda relate to some of the feelings people are having.....anyways, i've been with my girl for over 3 yrs, and lived with her for 2 yrs up until 2 weeks ago.......our living situation was kinda f'd up cause we were staying with my family....her father used to beat her when she was younger and we decided to take her in...bottom line is she's 20 now, i'm 24......i met her when i was 20 and we never really got it together...when i had a good job she was unemployed and vice versa...i had to travel for 8 months for work last yr and was only home on the weekends.....i guess she had a nervous breakdown and never even told me.......so about 3 1/2 weeks ago her aunt passed away and i was surprised she didnt invite me....im usually pretty involved with her side of the family.....i didnt see much of her that week and even after the funeral was over i noticed she wanted to go hang out with her cousins just to shoot pool....not once did she invite me and she would come home really late so i finally said something.....she told me that she missed her family and that she needed to grow and she needed space and time and everything else.....so i said fine...she moved back home......and we still talk every day, see each other when she feels like it and she doesnt want to have sex........she said she needs space yet she constantly calls and emails me when its convenient to her...today she told me she wanted to go to a pimp and ho party with her friends from work and i asked her "are all your friends single?". she replied yes so i asked, " how would you feel if i went to one of those?". she replied, "go for it". i was really disappointed in her response.......i've been trying really hard to give this girl her space but i just feel like im getting stepped on.....im looking to secure my career, start saving for a house, and thinking about family.......it seems she just wants to be single and i dont want to be the one to break it off but everybody has a breaking point.........its been two of torture for me.....she doesnt want to ever talk about whats goin on between us, kind of just putting it out of her head and she is all i think about.....im gettin tired of making pretend im ok with the way shes acting........i could really use some advice

[bicylejunk]

That's what kills me too, She would tell all of her friends that "I was the one" for her.

I'm a guy, I'm a normal healthy guy. But I wouldn't care what My buddy's thought, If i wanted to

stay home and snuggle with my girl and a movie, I would do it. I'd fancy that a lot more over going out

to some club with the guys. She used to too. A LOT. She always told me that she'd rather be with me than

go out with her friends and how she always felt so lucky that she had the greatest guy in the world, when some

people go their whole lives searching for someone, never finding true love.

 

That's why it shocked me when she came out and told me she wanted to be on her own, be single, be on her own

and be able to do anything she wanted whenever she wanted and not have to worry about feeling bad about being out

at all hours. It just really came out of left field for me. WHAT? this is so not the person you were before? I never made you

feel like you couldn;t be out or like you couldn't do what you wanted....now you're leaving me completely?

[cortez002]

thats exactly what im sayin.....it just seems she wants to have her cake and eat it too.......how could somebody hold that type of thing in for so long and drag it out.....

[glasshammer]

Yep, that's the worst feeling in the world. Letting something drag out for so long

and you don't even know about it.

[niki001]

I know I wonder if I did something wrong, but then I haven't changed. Well actually you know we were out with some friends kinda when this first started happening, and he was drinking alot and then he started dancing with some girls, kinda older, no threat to me. Anyways, these girls started gettin freaky and saying what they wanted to do to each other, and I just thought it was hilarious. Me and my friends were laughing at him, then he came over and I started giving him a hard time about it, just like "so you'll be going home with them tonight". Weeks ago he would've said the same thing or I would have and he would've laughed, but this time he got all pissed and said how I was too jealous and why should he have to act different when I'm around.

 

I don't understand why he would get so defensive about it. You know what else, he just started wearing cologne, he used to when we were first dating, but never since then. I don't think he's cheating on me, and I'm sure I would find out if he did, but it just makes me wonder why he's worrying about his looks and smell now all of a sudden. I worry that if he's not happy, if he did meet someone what he would do now that we are in this situation.

 

Do you and your ex have a lot of mutual friends still? I live in a semi-small town (80,000) so I would have to hear about him always if we broke up.

[cortez002]

nikki,

 

ive noticed my girl gettin all dolled up lately too.....funny how she used to just throw on a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt when we used to go out......we also have a lot of mutual friends and i've already heard so much....i went out last weekend by myself and all everyone one asked was " where's ur girl?" of course everyone knew, it just makes it akward and then to top it off she shows up because her friend from work told her i was drinking too much.....geez.....what a way to send mixed signals

[bicylejunk]

Funny thing is that all of her friends are all WORK friends. And I don't know any of them too well. And i think

she kind of likes it that way. But i don't know.

 

The dancing with girls and then getting upset with you "why can't should I have to act different when you're around"

is just proof that he's starting to resent. Feeling trapped. feeling like he can't do whatever he wants. That sucks.

 

He may not be cheating on you, But how bout this....My girl, right before she left me and the house...

I noticed she started dressing up a bit more, started always putting on make up and fixing her hair before she'd

go out. She used to always do that when we were first dating, but then it sort of toned down because she knew i loved her

anyway she looked. I just loved her. makes you think.

[niki001]

yeah it makes you wonder why she didn't want to dress up with you anymore. I think that the one you love is the one you should try to look good for the most. I am guilty of falling into that level of comfort where I wear tshirt and boxers to bed everynight, but then when I make the effort to wear something sexy, he just acts like I am in tshirt and boxers still. It sucks stressin about real life stuff and not being able to talk to him about it, he just adds to my stress. Relationships are supposed to enhance your life, not make it worse. Everyone tells me you can't be happy with someone unless you are happy with yourself, I think thats his problem. Sounds like your girl too.

[bicylejunk]

That's my girl's problem. She's not happy with herself, therefore she can't be happy with me.

 

 

BUT, the thing that bugs me is that I know that she has gone out on a date or two since she left,

Personally, I think that is the last thing she needs to be doing. She's going to realize that she

hasn;t done anything to make herself better or anything to get her life on track where she wants it,

She's still going to be unhappy.

 

Doesn't make sense. why do they throw away the ones that love them?

[cortez002]

i think ur right nikki and it sucks cause i still want her around....just not on her terms.....im gonna give her as much space as she needs but the whole i dont want to sleep with you, i feel weird line is just not makin sense to me......whats the point of having a girl? its only been two weeks since we've taken "time" apart, but to not want to be with me like that and still say i love you......thats some bulls**t....

[cortez002]

i just think that the people we are with dont know what they want yet.....for themselves, for us........and if they do, i still think that later on down the road they will look back and be like damn...the one that got away

[bicylejunk]

My girl was going back and forth with me, Like 'Maybe" I shouldn't Do This, I Love You I don't want to leav us" like two weeks before she moved out.

And I'd be "then lets work this stuff out,let's make it right for you"....then the same day, hours later ,she'd be "No, this is the thing I need to do"..."I need to be on my own, sorry my love, I love you though"...

[glasshammer]

Sounds like a batch of people who don't know what The HELL they want.

They want this, but they want that. You can't have your cake and eat it too. I really wish that people would stop

and take the time to zero in on what they want. "I Need to find myself" is the lamest excuse ever. How can you

Not know "Who you are?"

 

If anything, You find yourself in the people who love and care about you and depend on you.

[cortez002]

its so confusing but its like what now?

[niki001]

Yeah I can definitely feel the resentment. Even if I ask him what he's doing later, its like he gets all vague, I don't know we'll see. He thinks just cause he comes home to me and sleeps in the same bed, I should feel lucky because he doesn' t do that with anyone else. We never do anything fun together, and I give up trying because I can't force him to and he's afraid we'll start fighting and ruin the time.

[cortez002]

yea i actually havent broken up with my girl yet but we just talked and i pretty much just layed it out for her......she said she feels like she cant win with me and i told that we should take that space she says she needs....i really cant take talking to her and hearing her act like nothing happened.......im just really stressed out and i dont want to stress her out......

[bicylejunk]

Yeah but Niki, It almost seems like you're just avoiding the inevitable. That's what was going on with us.

I could kind of sense things were weird and feeling different but I sort of ignored it because i figured,

she loves me, it can't be anything too serious. I had to sort of open her up and get her to tell me what was on her

mind, i had to go to her, she never came to me with it. It was all me, being the brave one, trying to get us

to talk about things.

 

You guys don't want to bring anything up because you don't want to ruin the time you "do" have together,

but how long can you live like that?? It's not fair to you.

 

She would get all vague with me too. I'd ask if we could spend some time together and talk about stuff and

I'd ask her if she was bus and she'd be all "um, well, yeah, sort of..I mean I don't know"... She couldn;t come out and

tell me what she was doing, she was all secretive about it.

 

So I don't know. We seem to be all in the same boat. It hurts and it sucks and it's depressing and it's stressful.

All I want is my girl back. I just want to end this, it's stupid, I thought she loved me and I was good to her, never

did anything mean or bad or disrespectful to her,.....so what't the prob? she told me she loved me and that I was so good to her

and the most handsome man alive to her, about a week before we broke up, so what's the problem???

[niki001]

I had a boyfriend one time when I was 15 to almost 19, and that was my first true love. But it came to I didn't want to be with only one guy the rest of my life and I need to live and party, so I moved out and then 3 years later, here I met the new love of my life, after I had dated and partied and got it all out of my system, so had my new boyfriend I though. He's always talking about getting married and how me and him are "More than in love" and then this just comes up all of sudden out of nowhere. I know it is the inevitable. Its like every time we fight, I feel sick to my stomach and then I feel distant from him. I just want to put away everything we've been through and just love him again. I am trying to make arrangement to live elsewhere but it's so hard especially when we have not officially broken up yet. You sound like such an awesome guy just listening to you talk here and I don't think it was you that your girl tripped about. Were you here first real boyfriend? Crazy the stuff you say to each other when things are going great and then when stuff like this comes up it makes it feel like everything was lies and fake.

[cortez002]

dude i read this on a messageboard and as corny as it may seem i read it whenever i feel like giving her a call......reminds about what is goin and what the possibilities can be if any....check it out:

 

A relationship needs to work kind of like a rubberband to be successful.

 

If a person is getting all the closeness they need from a relationship they will ALWAYS get to a point where they pull away some for a little bit... to re-define who they are and take some "space".

 

IF the other person feels threatened by this NATURAL and NORMAL behavior they will often try to regain that closeness again. They will often try so hard out of fear that they are losing the person that they essentially drive them away.

 

I can almost guarantee that if you look honestly at the situation you will find that when she tried to get that space initially that you fought her attempt and became annoying.

 

If you want any chance at salvaging this situation you NEED to pull back MORE than she is.

 

Women are 100% reactive to what the man does. If you pull away and it is not too late (it might be in this case) her natural response will be to seek out the closeness again. If you learn how to ACT instead of REACT with a woman, you can essentially learn to predict her responses and adjust your actions to cause her to behave exactly the way you want her to.

 

If she pulls back... let her. If you want her to want to be close... you pull back... just like a rubberband. Learn this concept and a woman will snap right back in no time at all.

 

The ONLY thing men need to know in order to REALLY understand women is that she is entirely reactionary to his behavior towards her. Learn to behave in a way that gets the results you desire.

 

If the woman in question is prone to holding things in until she has simply had enough, then the relationship is probably over. If she is more assertive and open about her needs, you still may be able to salvage things.

 

Either way, what you need to do is pull back and let her have that space. The solution to either problem is the same, but the results of things will depend entirely on how long this woman holds things in before speaking up about being unhappy. All you can do is pull back and see what happens.

[bicylejunk]

See That's the other thing, Yes. I was her first "real" relationship. I met her when she was 19 and we had been going strong ever since. She wasn't a major partier, but as a high schooler she did her share of drinking, smoking, being dumb,

hooking up with guys, not actually sleeping with them, but other crazy things. But she always said that was never her thing.

She had aspirations to do something good for the world. Help other people, bars and drinking were just so trashy to her, or so she said when we met. She just did it cuz of her friends at the time, and she wanted to belong.

 

That's why I can understand why okay, maybe she wants to see what else is out there in terms of dating. But I know she has potential to be something great, she's smart, wants to suceed in life, she's just going about it all the wrong way. She has no idea what she wants to do with her life, who she is now...Is she really going to find it in another guy? I just feel she should be focussing on what makes her happy, trying school again, setting some goals, Instead, she's partying like a high schooler again,

drinking, out with her work friends every other night and when i would talk to her, (when she would call me) and I'd ask how she was doing, she'd say horrible, sad, no direction. Now she rarely calls me, but last time I talked to her it was "I know i want to be with you, I see myself old and grey with you, I just don't know what I'm doing"....Then, no calls.

[niki001]

It seems like she just needs to get out with her friends, do her thing, and then she will realize that you were what was good for her. You sound so supportive of her and her goals. I know so many girls, I've even been there, that do go out just because all their friends want to and they dont' want to be left out. Guys too( hey my boyfriend for one!) and then they feel pressure if you just want to hang out with them at home.

 

I just went home on my lunch break a bit ago and had a chat with him about it. He said it was either the bars or me (he said it not me!) because we had tried both and it seems all our fights revolve around that. Then he said something like it was quite an ultimatum, I'm like I didn't even say it, you did. But then I asked if that's where he's most happy, and if he wanted to break up so he could go there always, and then he said,"Yeah I'm going to break up with you to go the bar" which should make me feel good right, but now I feel like I am holding him back. I don't know why he can't just go once or twice a week and spend the rest of the time home with me. Frustrating!!!

[bicylejunk]

That's sad Niki, I feel bad for you. That's not cool. Doesn't sound like a very supportive guy. I'm sure

he wasn't like that to begin with. I really really really really think that he's taking you for granted.

Like it's no big deal. The only reason someone who's sooooooo in love with you could just instantly turn like that

is that someone else must be in the picture. So it's easier for them to do it because there are possibilities waiting,

It has to be that. He may not be dating anyone yet, But he may be flirting and out there having a good time and you

are pretty much a ball and chain now, keeping him from good times. That really sucks.

what happened to Mr. 'Were going to be together forever, Come live with me"?

 

 

That's why I feel my ex is just acting in a way, like it's a big deal to her, but it's not. Because she knows

how much I love her and how much i support her and how much I care about her happiness...She thinks i'm

just going to wait for her with hugs and kisses when she finally makes up her mind. There's no threat of me leaving or moving away oe dating another girl, because she knows how I am and she knows she's the only girl for me.

But I can't wait forever. Besides, She's turning into someone I didn't think she was. I'd rather not see her

and remember the good times we had than see her and be bummed she left and bummed she's a whole

other person towards me.

[niki001]

you are pretty perceptive. That's exactly how I feel. I know he's not cheating on me, yet, anyways. He has started wearing cologne and he never did with me for ever. He also started grooming himself better (he's a good looking guy anyways) but now he's been shaving alot more often and styling his hair more so it makes me wonder who he's trying to look good for. I always hear that when someone does that it means they are cheating or when they try to start fights so they don't feel so bad about what they are doing if you are mad at them for something else.

 

Do you really want to wait around for your girl forever?

That's tough that she knows you will wait so she's not in any hurry to make a decision to come back to you right now. I bet you will start to realize how nice it is to be single for a while because it really is, I don't know what kind of fun town you live in, but when I moved away from my bf for those 6 months, I spent all my time with my friends doing fun stuff (concerts, baseball games) the kind of stuff me and him don't ever do and I had a great time. That was in San Diego though, a little different from where I live now. Now I would be so bored and lost without my dogs and everything. I guess I could play his little game and dress up and go out with my friends, but that's just going to cause more problems. When he wanted me to move back to be with him, he told me he just wanted to take it easy and hang out and get ready to build a house and settle down ya know, so that's the mindset I had coming into this. Its hard to change that now that I'm so involved with this lifestyle, I don't even want to go out and drink everynight.

[purplecat]

I have been reading this whole thread from the very beginnig so I feel I HAVE to tlel my story.

I went out with this guy for about a year and a half. When we first met, it was a total connection. Within two weeks he was spending alot of nights at my place, and by the end of the first month we were so in love and saw each other every day. But the first red flag came up when I found out he was doing thnigs behind my back (like gonig on dating services!) So anyway, we talked about it, I got very mad, called him a jerk ans so forth, he promised to never do it again and said he only did it as he still was getting over his ex wife (they broek up before meeting me and it hurt him alot and he was still delaing with it, ok, red flag numver 2, ha ha) Anyway, we worekd it out and thnigs werec super great. We were still totally in love, he would always tel me howm uch he loved me adn tellnig me not to ever leave him, and two month later he moves in. Well I catch him again on this dating service!! I confront him again about it, he is sorry and feels I wasnt being affectionate enough towards him (so he says) and he doesnt know why he did it, blah blah blah, by this time I find out he is talkin to some other women as well that are (just friends). Anyway, I make his go for counselling and thnigs were good again, but I was never trusting him anymore and so now, bercasue of all this anxiety I was alwasy under, I start to act miserable around him and stuff and I do thngis he doesnt like. So I come home from work one day and all his stuff is moved out! He leaves me this e mail message saying I will probably never forgive him and stuff but he can't live with me right noe but wants to still get together to talk. So we talk the next day, and withing a few dyas of heartache we are still together but decide it's too much pressure for him to live with me. So we continue to date and he stays over wuite often still, and a month later he brings hlaf his stuff over to my place and partially moves in. Well, that same day he gets cold feet again and I come home from work and his stuff is again moved out! So we still date and decide to not push the living arrangements when he asks me to marry him. I say yes, but hje doesnt tlel anynoe we are engaged, he sayd its becasue he still sint offically divorced from his ex wife yet. So this goes on another month or so, I find he's on a dating service again for l ike the 3 or 4th time by now. He stops seeing his counselor as well and thnigs blow up! We have this huge fight but he apologizes and says he is stupid, he only goews on to talk and that's it, blah blah blah, and he cries and asks me to marry him again! We make up, I tell him he has a serious problem and he doesnt cope with things appropriately and instead deals with them in a negative manner that isnt fair or loyal to me. He agrees and feel bad and gets these books to read on his isues and stuff. So I buy a house in the mena time, it's May now, 8 months into our relationship, but I DONT TAKE POSSESSION UNTIL jULY. hE SAiD HE WANTS TO move in with me into "our house" and we think he is behind his issues and feel he is ready to make this tep. So thnigsa go supoer well for two months. July he moves in, he tells me every day how he wants to spend teh rst of him life with me, we look at wedding rings together, we book a trip together for January. First week of August comes, he tells me he is moving out!!! He find a place with a room mate and moves out the end of August, saying he needs to find himself, he needs to be me, he doesnt know what he wants etc etc. He movces out, takes his space for two dyas amd calls me and starts coming around every so often and wants to still work on thnigs. Ok, so now it is September, this goes on until October when he says "I need space". I give him a week, but he calls me every day o it and comes over twice! He relaized he wants me and only me and we see each other again regularly again but he doesnt sopend many nights at my place anymore. November comes around and I catch on thisd dating service for like the 5th time! This time he says he is just seeing what is out there, he needs to sort thnigs out, doesnt know what he wants anymore again, same old thing, I am now so fed up with it all and think he ahs su many issues that its a joke! So I give him space, he only wants a week, and during that week he calls me once for sex, ha ha, and at the emd of it, he sayd he loves me and knows he has to make up for alot but that he wants to see where it can go with us. So we gte back together! Well, we never really broke up, but you know what I mean. Things are gonig very good. He sayd he is happy with the way thnigs are going, ssleeps at my place more often, is more affectionate and stuff. All of a sudden one night, I hear his cell phnoe beep while he was sleeping. It kept beeping so I get up to turn it off. I couldnt resist, as I have total trust issue with him now (who wouldnt) so I go through his phone. I find he had called this girl up just the day before! So the next morning, I ask him if thngis are ok, if he is "talking" to anyone again or donig thngis behind my back again. He says he totally loves me and there is nothing for me to worry about. I decide to not bring it up yet. He leaves, that same day I cannot stand it anymore so I call him up but tell him I want to talk in person as I know when i CONFRONT HIM he will be mad and want to not talk about it and just hang up like he always has done in th past. So I reluctantly agree, I tlel him I saw he had called this girl, ask him who it was, he said it was some chick he met a few months ago in a bar. Anywya, I tlel him he only met her last week as I had called her up in the mena time and got the dirt from her. He totallt freaked out and said he wanted to break up and hung up on me. So I call him back ,we had harsh words of course, I told him to go to hell. Anyway, withing the week, he was comnig over and trying to work thnigs out, saying he needs to still breka up, he just feels he wants to explore other women, hasnt relalt had that his life as he has always just been in serious relationships and never just "dated" and knows he is making the wrong decision and its probably a big mistake and thta in a few months he'll probably call and want to get back togethger. I was floord! But I wasnt surprised. He was always so ambivelent with me, always flirted with other women, even admitted he has a tendency to do that, he has very low self esteem and thrives on femal attention, something he also admite to me, so anyway, I give him is break up space, but he starts messaging me on msn and stuff and starst coming over a couple times during the week again and saying he misses me still but we are still broken up! It's December now, I still have teh trip in January boked for us from like way back in July, and he agrees to still go on it with me. So Janurary comes (just this past month) and we go on the trip. He totally acts like boyfrienc and girlfirned with me, clals me "hon" and very intimate with me and mushy. So we are there 3 dyas, when I find out he was out two times with that woman he called! SoxI blow up, he finds out I was also out twice with another guy, but with me it was only as friends as I knew the guy before, but he gets lal jealous, says obviously he still loves me as it hurts that I did that. I tlel him well it really hurts that you did it too type of thing. He pours his heart out to me about he ex wife and hpw much she hurt him and how he had a hard time getting over it(hence the dating services??) and such, whatever. Anyway, we have thisl ongtalk, he wants to work thnigs out, but he still needs time to sort thnigs out. He says it could be a month, two months, maybe even 4 months, he has to get other girls out of his system blah blah blah. So it puts a damper on teh rest of teh vacation but oh well, he still sayd he loves me but it isnt "complete". The last night we were there, he said he loves me, but hes sorry he cant be iwth me right now. The next day we leave to go home, and by the time we get to teh airport he has compltely driven himself away from me, goes home with this girl who picks him up at the airport!! He later claimed he ahd no idea she was gonig to be there, yeah whatever. I am left thinknig, what the hlel just happened?? So a week after we get back, I call him every day to try and get closure and ask himwhy teh hlel he is so mean to me all of a sudden and stuff like that, why he doesnt want anything to do with me anymore and he says there is a part of him that stil loves me, but he needs time to sort things out and a part of him still wants to get back otgether and there will alwyas be chance of that, but that he just needs to be aprt from me right now and to leave him alone and let him sort thnigs out and he will call me when he has his answers. So I finally am able to let him go and have his time, I talked to him when he came over to my place to pick up mail about a week later. JHe gave me a hug but was very distant and was gonig out with that girl alter on the dya. He still says he needs to sort thnigs out and will definately call when the answers come to him. ha ha, so now it is February, he got mail at my place again, I had to e mail him to tlel him to pick it up and change your address!! So he asked me how thnigs are gonig. I tell him good, I am seeing this new guy, which I was but onyl casually and wanted to irritate him for all the hurt he put me through. He was jealous, commented on how I was supposed be so in love with him and sutff. Anyway, he said he still intends on giving me answers when they come to him, but he is trying to look for a second job and trying to sign up for classes and stuff. He never does pick his mail up, so I get a hold of him two dyas later saying if you want it, pick it up, otherwsie, I am throwing it in the garbage. He says yes, i tell him I will be away all day Saturday and into Sunday, and i will just put it in the mailbox. He e mails me back saying "oh are you gonig to be out with teh new guy??" all snide like that. I dont e mail him back, and at 2 in teh morning, saturday night, i hear him come to my front steps and get his mail and see him driving off. ha ha, my friends say he did that so late to check up on me, to see if i really was out or if the "new guys" car was in my driveway or something,ha ham anyway, that was a week agao. I havent heard from him yet, nor have Icontacted him, so I will see when and how long he finally does call me and gives me my answers. Right now he cant tell me anythnig! I have no clousre! He just doesnt know and needs to find the answers. Srewed up hey! So is he just donig this to keep me on teh side?? Is he confused? Wnats to give this new girl a chance?? All of teh above? ha ha. Also, I migth add I found out he was again on a dating service two weeks ago, after we broke up for good but he isnt anymore. The guy uses this dating service to feel out his feelings or something? Its a coping mechansin for him I truly believe but is it ever f#ked up !! So what is your take onall this1!! Awhole lot to read hey!! I appreicate your feed back !!!