"needing Time And Space"

[dlb311]

I think that every relationship take lots of work and didication. Alot of people give up because it becomes to hard to try. People think love should come easy but it does at first but once the excitement of the newness wares off its a strugggle at times. Life gets in the way and stress is a big thing.

I think that people run away because the thought of forever is scary. And so you just have to hold on. If you lover or partner has left because they needed time and space give it to them. If they want it to work they will come again. But don't let it get to you.Its hard and we all grieve its like someone dying. You grieve or the loss. But remember you are still alive. Live your life. You have control over your life. I have learned that I am insecure and I have a hard time thinking someone will actually stay for once. But the truth is the more I realy on someone to make my dreams come true the more they wont. Their my dreams and sometimes you just need to relax. If you ex doesn't want the pressure of the future then you have to decide if not knowing what lies ahead is okay with you. Its not that they don't want you forever and ever its just the thought is way creepy. to alot of people not to me personally but to alot of people. Just kick back and enjoy what you have. remember if they don't want you then they aren't worth it anyway.

[situationsmend]

I'm starting to agree with that more and more as the days go on. If they are willing to risk

losing us and the reason they're leaving is because they want to be free and date other people

and have fun and re-live high school, then they are not worth our time. For those of us that want

meaningful relationships, I think we're just kidding ourselves thinking it's just going to go back

to the way it was. We need to MOVE ON!

[eagle_nate]

Good points DLB,

I said some of that myself...you're totally right about the future. It's a little easier said then done when it comes to "not worrying about it" Hell, it's all i worry about at this point!

It's an intersting point you made about the dreams comintg true part..i think we all have done that before...At this point I am resigned to the fact that it is out of my control and whatever happens will happen. By offering her the space I am doing everything i can to help make it work. The simple reality is unfortunately, that doing nothing is the hardest of my options.

I am hoping for the best but prepared for the worst...and i know if it ends that I'll actually be glad of that one day because that will mean better things came my way, although I'd happily take my chances with the girl i have/had.

It's been 23 days into our break now and I am starting to accept it may be over...but i can't get the though of her and another guy out of my head!!!!

I'm not a jealous guy by nature but for some reason it is really bothering me!

Oh well, talk later,

Nate

[coursingthru]

My ex fiance walked out on me and my daughter the week of christmas - no specific reason and turned into a man I never knew in the 3 years of our relationship. I was devastated because I felt I truly loved him.

 

 

I actually started moving on a few weeks ago and dating this really nice guy. Well -

guess who showed up at my door this past Saturday night wanting his "family" back? Yes my ex.

 

 

I was shocked and emotionally distraught. I told him he had no right even standing on my porch for way he left us and without an explanation. He told me he missed me and loved me and knew he made a huge mistake and cannot live with himself knowing that I will not forgive him. I told him I owed him nothing and will not oblige him in helping him to wipe his slate clean. I told him if he truly loved us - he would not have left us like he did.

 

 

I got to work this morning and had 2 emails from him. One apologizing for coming by and not respecting my wishes for him to leave us alone and he went on and on about what he misses of me. Then a second where he expresses he is a better man because of me.

 

PART OF HIS EMAIL TO ME:

"You were the catalyst and the motivating factor that helped me to overcome my fears" "Just like you, I have gone through a range of so many emotions over these past months, but right now I am feeling deep loss, sorrow, and remorse. I miss seeing you, talking to you, laying next to you, touching your face, hearing you laugh, smelling your pillow, and telling you that I love you. I miss my girl. My heart aches and my eyes are sore from crying. When you said tonight that I never really loved you because I left, I just felt like I was going to fall apart. Just to see you through the glass made my heart leap through my chest.

I will leave you alone for now, but allow me to believe that there is a shred of hope."

 

 

I am still upset from seeing him but I will never take him back. I can't trust that he would ever hurt me again such as he did. I told him that he devastated me by what he did - but he didn't kill my heart.

 

 

When I am done - I'm done. There is a reason why you leave someone or they leave you and to try to bring it back - won't work. I just don't see it happening.

 

 

If it is a thing to rekindle - time has to go by before an attempt can be made and it isn't after only 2 months. For me to have moved on and begun dating already - is a good thing.

 

 

I think the person who made the mistake or didn't truly try in the relationship - is always the one who wants to come back. I've been divorced for 7 years now and my ex hub still apologizes for how he treated me and what a great wife and mom I am and he says if we were who we are now 10 years ago - we might have made it. But I told him and I was honest - I didn't love him like I should have and it was not fair to continue with him - I can't placate or pacify. It takes too much energy.

[eagle_nate]

Very strong Couring...million dollar question...what if he came back within a few weeks...and you didn't specify if it was a break or a break up...both important to note!

I agree if a person leaves and they come back too bad...but if a person is stressed out and needs time, and you AGREE to give it to him/her, you can't take this approach...this thread is a little different than the story you posed but i appreciate your thoughts.

the botton line comes down to this...if u agree to give the space your taking a huge risk, your other option is to stop the bleeding and move on, either is painful but the former involves immense emotional investment.

For me, i am not ready to walk away until she says that's what she wants to have happen, its been 3 weeks and its killing me but it will all be worth it one day!

Nate

[dlb311]

I think that you should take control you can you may not be able to make the other do what you want them too. But you have control over your life. You have things you can control like your career, your school, your friends and family, your vacations, your hobbies, you can do things explore yourself. If they return you will have learned alot more about yourself because you had time just to focus on you! its you know you are indepent and its time to be selfish. take care of you.

And remember everything will go the way it should

I was told that someone people can't get over the hurt when someone else and then wants you back so they can't take them back. See I took my ex back after 4 months because I loved him we had a great relationship and we broke up because we were moving to fast and it scared him. Not because we didn't want to be together. So I wouldhave always wondered what could have been if I never took that chance. Sometimes you just need a second chance. to really clear your head about it. So far so good we have our bumps but he hasn't ran so I am still smiling.

[eagle_nate]

I agree...maybe i should take control but i am in a position where if i end it, i may always wonder what she was going through. She says she's confused/depressed and needs time. So why should I leave? When all she is asking for is time. Mind you she has made comments like " i don't know if u make me happy anymore" or "you need more than what i offer you"...the reality is i cannot leave the woman i love. If she calls me up and says it's over, I have her stuff ready to go. But if (and i hope) she is dealing with something in her own way, it might be a mistake to turn my back on her. DLB, you're telling me the same thing everyone does...take control, break it off, I cant do that, even if i should!

I would rather let her live with the questions, not me!

Thanks for the advice,

Nate

[dlb311]

I was not saying to give up and walk away I ment you can control your life of what you can. Like instead of using all your time on wondering and worring if she is going to come back. You should make an effort to do things you wouldn't have if you where together. Like go on vacation somewhere you have always wanted to go. or take up a new hobbie learn to play an intrument, start working out if you don't already things to make you as a person feel better. Take control of what you can control. Like I said you can't control her and make her do what you want her to do ever! that is not how life works. so instread of thinking you have no control take control over what you can that is all I meant. Don't give up if its not in your heart.

I am the first to tell you love takes work and walking away isn't the answer. you have to work through it. show her how much you do love her and how happy you can make her. But if every time she talks to you or sees you you talk only about the break or getting back she wont. give her space be her friend and be patient. it took my ex 4 months The first three I couldn't seem to stay away from him longer then two three weeks but then I started to focus on me and I went out and had great times with my friends and then he came back he missed me and I was leaving him alone. To see what it was like to be without me. It was my plan in the begining but after I really enjoyed life. And I still do but I know now that if he changes his mind again which i pray and hope he doesn't that I will be okay.

[Evanescence]

i definitly agree with dlb.

my relationship actually resulted in a "break up" 2 weeks after the actual break took place. i think he only said "lets see other people" because the borders of the "break" were too confusing to both of us. he told me that he's not even sure if he feels he wants to/needs to see other people, but he did it to ease any confusion. but to tell u the truth, i'm wishing i had done it myself. If i had done it, maybe it would have made this situation a bit more serious to him and he would no longer feel that he has control of the situation. My ex right now feels he has complete control over whatever happens. I feel he does too, but i've realized i do have some control. how i react to everything is how i can control it. but if had taken even more control of the situation, i feel that my situation may be better... but then it could be worse, so i can see why you are not cutting the ties Nate. although i say i wish i had done it, i know i never would have. even though all my friends told me to do it.

this whole experience is filled with "i wishes"....i'm trying to turn it into "i am now going to"s . I've decided, that even though my ex is still calling this a break (when he called me and visited me after the actual break up he called it a "break" numberous times) i am kind of giving up on him. I am moving on... i have to keep telling myself that he is not coming back and there is not a damn thing i can do about it. i feel if i DO try to do something, it will make matters worse and that's not where i want to go. He says that he still thinks there is a chance for us, but what will be will be. He hasn't contacted me in 2 weeks. I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing, but i'm taking it as a signal to move on with my life. I just got finished reading an ebook called "How to get back with your ex". Although it sounds desperate, it is actually a REALLY good book. It isn't just about trying to get back with your ex, it's about getting through what we are all going through. It addressed just about all the questions and concerns that i had, and it made me feel a hell of a lot better! Today is the first day for the last month that i've actually been able to go on and NOT think about the situation for about 10 minutes (may have been more or less, i didn't really time it, lol). The book basically tells you to cut off all contact with your ex for 30 days. during these 30 days you go through stages of self improvement. Very simple things (like exercising and reading). The hardest thing it tells you to do is go out on 3 dates. The dating part isn't hard for me to grasp, but the fact that i'll be going on dates with guys just to help me get over my ex... i feel that is really disrespectful to who i'd be going on these dates with. but i'm determined to go through all these steps, so we'll see what happens.

I've also purchased a book called "The Journey from Heartbreak to Connection" by Susan Anderson. She a psychotherapist who councils groups such as ourselves and also speaks from self experience (her husband of 20 years one day, out of nowhere told her he didn't love her anymore and left her). I've only made it through the introduction (to be honest) but i can tell already that it is going to help. there's a bunch of reading and exercises to do as well.

One thing she talks about is something called SWIRL. Here's what it is (don't know if i can go into detail cuz of copyright laws and stuff, so i'll summarizeor cut it short)

SHATTERING : the painful tear in your attachment, a stab wound in your heart. The sudden disconnection sends you into panic, devistation, shock, and bewilderment. You feel as if you couldn't survive alone.

WITHDRAWL: love withdrawl is like a heroin withdrawl - each involves intense yearning for the object you desire. You feel a pain aching, longing, needing a love fix and can't get one. Withdrawl symptoms include wasting, weight loss, wakefullness (I know the weight loss one.. i didn't eat for the first 2 weeks and lost 20lbs.. and even though i've gotten some of my appetite back i'm still losing)

INTERNALIZING : You turn your rage against yourself, which accounts for intense depression that accompanies abandonment. You idealize your lost love at your own expense, blaming yourself for losing the most important person in your life.

RAGE: you reverse the rejection, expressing rage over being left. you are restless and riddled with low frustration and tolerance. You may take things out on others

LIFTING: life begins to distract you, lifting you back into it. you experience intervals of peace and confidence. abandonment's lessons are learned, and you get ready to love again.

 

You can experience these in order, often overlapping. you can also experience a number of them at a time. often they go in order, overlapping, and in a cycle. This describes my feelings over the last month so much that it made me cry to read it. Anyone else agree?

 

Anyway, right now i'm in the same boat with Nate. I absolutely cannot get the idea of my ex with someone else. it makes me want to get sick. It is absolutely eating me up inside, just the thought of it. I've started to come to terms with the fact that we may never be together again, but the though of him being with someone else is something that i'm not sure i can EVER get over. How could he be physically with someone else is one thing (and that bothers me to no end), but how can he actually love someone the way he loved me? How is that fair that someone else gets to experience that love that i once thought was ALL MINE! it should be all mine... no one else should be allowed to have it. This is the hardest part of this whole grieving process

[bicyclejunk]

Can I Just Say That......I think us as the ones who are being left behind....

 

 

It's better for us to focus on ourselves and better ourselves than try and fix whatever is broken.

ALSO, If were constantly asking them if they've had enough time and "Where Are We At?" and

Just always looking sad around them, They will most likely be turned off by it. If we act like we're doing good,

still there for them in a way, Keep up our appearance, just make ourselves look good in front of them all the time,

They may THINK about what they're losing. If they don't, At least we will be looking good, Feeling better about

ourselves,,,,There's nothing we can do, We can't change their minds, even if we did, Do we want to go right back to

them, knowing they doubted our love????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

[dlb311]

I totally agree with you. I read a book about how to get your lover back when we were on a break. It didn't say to stop contact it actually said to make contact and make yourself appear happy as can be and look great and make him see what he is missing. The book stated that love can never really go away forever. If you loved someone so passionetly you can always love them. It comes and it goes but as long and both people work at it, it will always be okay.

I totally agree with you about his love for you only being for you and he isn't suppose to share that with anyone else. As times goes by you forget. But at first its in your face. My ex came back its been two months. The past week has been real hard though because he seems to be pushing me away again. He use to call like three four times a day now I don't seem to get many or any at all. He always tells me to call him. I talked to him about it. I said he seems distant he said he is not but it wasn't very reasuring. The thing is he left because he got scared of the moving in commitment for life thing. And since we have been back together we have spent time together when every he can he works far away so he is away days at a time and sometimes his only days off are my days working. So but he would always call and talk. But he isn't anymore. He doesn't even seem as happy. Not sure if he is having doubts I asked he didn't say he was. My friends tell me that in time relationships get confortable and you forget to be mushy well we were togehter for two years and it never went sour till three weeks before we broke up and that was because he was getting scared and pushed me away. Now its only been two months and it like I am over here in my world left behind. He said he is 24 he doesn't want to rush or plan the future he just wants to relax and not stress and let the future happen. Which is great that is not what my issue is my issue is I feel him pushing me away. I am trying not to over react but its hard when you are use to something and then it changes like that. over night its just different. Does this sound like I should be worried, or take time away from this. Because the last thing I want is to get hurt again. No matter what I am going to get hurt but should I just walk away or wait and see. he said I am what he wants but I didn't feel it when he said it. ?

[eagle_nate]

Hey there,

Ev, that was an awesome posting.

I disagree with you though. if you had have ended it you'd be feeling just as bad if not worse. You are doing the right thing. Let him make the decision...this isn't about control, it's about love. When and if he comes running back in 5 months after you've met someone who won't screw with your head, you can say, "hey buddy, you shouldn't have left if it was so good." But if he comes back now, then you will have what you want...needless to say there will be issues in that situation, but let's cross that bridge when we come to it.

Good for you for making the decision to move on!! I know what you're feeling and you still want him to come back but i think it's entirely healthy to take the "hope for the best, expect the worst" theory. That's what I'm doing.

My ex and i haven't spoken in 10 days...the longest since we met and it's literally killing me. i can't eat, sleep, I'm ****ing miserable. But, I am not breaking. i will not fight, i will not call, i will not do anything but support her wishes. This is as far as I'm concerned, the greatest gift i could give her...and if she throws it away i know deep down there is a woman out there who will be forever grateful she did.

I think those stages are pretty accurate too!

I'm totally in withdrawal buit with an eye to getting to lifting...even when the anger comes as it is starting to, i won't let in manifest in to a brawl with her...that makes it too easy.

DLB, i feel your pain also. Obviously the smart money says screw him but then i would be a pretty big hypocrite if i told you to do that. Follow your heart. It might lead to pain but i think in the long run you'll have less regrets, what do you guys think? Have you asked him to consider counselling..mine wouldn't even hear of it.

Guys, every day is a challenge, every minute actually...i can't help but wonder how she is doing, if this affects her at all, and Ev, every other thought involves her in bed with another man or holding hands or any of the things that are natural and painful to consider. I guess that will pass too, but that is sooooo hard!!!

Look forward to your thoughts guys!

Nate

[coursingthru]

I know this subject is "needing time and space". That was what I was explaining in my post. My ex fiance - we lived with him for 6 months at his request for us to move in and give up our live in another town. I did this - he left us in December the week of xmas.

 

 

I still don't know why he left and all he would say is "it has to be this way for now".

 

 

What the heck is that all about? It's been a few months and he treated me horribly - he was hoping we would move out of the condo so he could move back in with roommates! When I told him I wasn't in the position to do this - he was a total jerk - trying to make me feel like a loser single mom and how he's done this and that for me/us. He even went as far to say "I even asked you to marry me!"

 

 

This is why when he showed up Saturday wanting "his girls back" "his life back" and what a horrible mistake he made - I couldn't accept it because if he truly did love me - you stay there thru thick and thin and it was more thick than thin>

 

 

I feel maybe because he involved his mom in our argument - he didn't want to lose her over me and now realizes - he's not waking up to his mommy everyday.

 

 

Just a note for you to understand - about 5 years ago - he left his "religion" that is home based - The Way International - that is run from his moms house and he's been involved since he was 8 years old - long story - anyway - he left The Way for 2 years and during that 2 years his family disowned him - mom, dad, brothers and friends. The only reason that his family came back together was because 3 years ago his dad dropped dead of a heart attack.

 

 

I feel that he gave me up to not lose his family again. His mom and step dad expected me to come downstairs and "discuss my problem" or if I didn't that meant that I am giving up on the relationship. I was not aware of his parents coming over at all so was unpleasantly suprised!

 

 

Needless to say - how do you take someone back that one minute makes you out to be the reason for the man he is today and then turn around and try to crush you into a weakness you never want to know?

 

 

So his reason of "This is the way it has to be for now" Still makes no sense to me because he does not elaborate on "why". He even emailed me yesterday to tell me how he got back into his church because of me so he can become a better man, father and husband for me!!! And then invited me to go to his fellowship this Thursday - which is held in his moms house because he hasn't taught in 7 years and he felt it would be an honor for me to be there to hear his message.

 

 

Does this make any sense to anyone?

[eagle_nate]

Hi there,

Sorry if i misunderstood...i wasn't meaning to minimize your situation. I'm sure it's as painful as anyone on here.

Can I be honest with you...this guy sounds like a whack job. Easy for me to say i suppose but he sounds really messed up. Stay strong, you don't need him.

You said in your other posting that you met another guy...how is that going? I know it's easy for me to say but i advise you put your efforts into that. Be honest with the ex and tell him what you're telling us.

I know from experience that the greatest healing of all comes from meeting someone else that rocks our world and makes us forget about the old flame. That new person shows us why it didn't work out.

 

Your situation is dif't in that you have the opportunity to start something new and exciting. I think i speak for the rest of us when i say we are still focused on the old one.

 

It's been years coursing, i wouldn't lament over it if i were you!

 

But I'm not so i hope you're doing OK. I know that in a matter of years this girl will be long gone...at least it helps to tell myself that

 

Good luck,

Nate

[bicyclejunk]

You know what helps me???

 

What helps me is to think about the world and about how there are 1000's of people

less fortunate than ourselves. When I think about How I could help other people out and

be there for other people that would appreciate me, that makes me accept the loss.

She had a change of heart, she doesn't want to realize what we had, so I need to move on and help

other people I care about. Give my love to helping people, while she goes off and parties her life away

being dumb and stupid and worrying about what guy she's going to go out with next. Selfishness

is evil. don't let it concume you like it has so many of our so called "Partners".

[Evanescence]

Ok everybody....I just want to say that i am really really appreciating the fact that i have all of you guys to go through this with. I know that without all of you i would probably be worse off than i am today. You've all helped me so much. Even though all of our situations have a similar ring, we are all very different, but it is good to hear everyone's side of the story. Our own close friends can only tell us so much, especially when they've never been through this. My situation is a rare one when it comes to me and my friends. Most of my friends are single and haven't had any long term relationships.. and here i am, I WAS SO CLOSE to getting engaged, i was planning my future with this guy i was dating ever since i was 16 (which is about the age that you start to seriously think and make plans for your future! so all i know is the plans i made with him, and that's tough, and a lot of ppl have a hard time relating to that).

 

ANYWAY, i just wanted to tell everyone that i received a sign today. I've been waiting for it, and i think i finally got it. It's nothing major, but it made a big impact on me when i heard it. I was in the car with my mom, and the song "I Will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor came on. Of course it is a popular song, but i don't hear it often. I didn't really listen to it the first time it came on cuz it was on low and me and my mom were talking. But then again, on the way home, it came on AGAIN! This time i listened to it, and it made me just start balling. I don't know if any of you have heard this song lately, but i recommend that you get your hands on it somehow and just BLAST it! You will feel better, at least a little bit, and it may only be temporary, but it will make you feel better, i promise! It is our situations exactly! Well except for the "coming back" part, but the song still applies.

 

As far as songs go.... i don't really recommend this, but to each their own. There is another song that will probably make you really depressed to listen to, but if you feel that you need to relate to something, get your hands on "When you told me" by Jessica Simpson. Again, another song that, if you are like me, explains your situation and feelings EXACTLY. It's just good if you want to sit down and have a good cry.

 

Ok, now for my comments on individual postings.

 

WAY TO GO bicyclejunk! I completely agree with you. That is exactly what this book is about. Basically when you get to the point where you meet with your ex after being a month apart, if they reject you, you should be at a point where it won't affect you so much. You will feel "well, i tried! Now i'll move on". We have to take care of ourselves right now. We are the ones that we have to worry about, not them. Easier said than done though i'm sure.

 

DLB, what is the name of that book? I want to check it out. As for your situation... I kind of agree with your friend about the "forget to be mushy" part... but my relationship didn't really get that way. Of course in the beginning it was all flowers and gifts and love notes.. but the mushiness changes as a relationship goes on.. it doesn't fade away, and it shouldn't. Me and my ex were together for 5 1/2 years, and even up until the day before he said he wanted the break, the mushiness was still there. Even when he gave me a call a few days after he said he "wanted to see other people" the mushiness was still there. It doesn't leave, it just changes forms, and you have to look for that. It's just that as much as we like the mushiness that we experienced at the beginning, it grows and expands into other areas of our relationship, and sometimes isn't as easy to recognize. As far as him starting to get distant, i would definitely get scared. Real scared. I'm not saying this to make you upset, i'm just telling you this from experience. My ex started to get distant too. This year, after i left home to go back to school after the summer, he just slowly started to grow distant. As far as phone calls go anyway. He seemed to be putting less effort into the long distance thing. WHen we talked and spent time together, things were the same though. THen in december he grew really distant. We had plans for the day that i came home from school for xmas break, and he went and scheduled other plans with someone else and told me that maybe we could hang out after (like at 11 pm!! come on!). He started telling me that he wanted to "hang out with his friends more" and he wouldn't call when he said he would cuz he would be out with his friends. I told him to at least give me a call when he got home, he didn't have to call at the exact time he said he would. But he woudln't even do that. He eventually told me that he felt like he had to "check in" all the time and that made him upset. I told him it wasn't "checking in" it was calling to see how I AM DOING and showing a general interest in what is going on in MY LIFE, and then letting me do the same for him. But he still couldn't get this "checking in" thing out of his brain. He said for the last few months he's had friends asking him to go out after work, and his response would always be "i can't cuz i have to go home and call the gf". I think this is a stupid move on his part, but whatever. ANYWAY, i know that doesn't entirely apply to your situation, but my main point is that it started with him growing distant, especailly with the phone calls. I'm not entirely sure on what advice to give you about it though. The way i handled things obviously didn't work out. But now that i look at it i know why. I started getting very mad at him all the time for not calling, and eventually i started accusing him of cheating (it seemed like a possibility.. i never thought he would do it, but he was changing before my eyes so who knew). So i guess just don't get upset with him over it and don't accuse him of anything, and maybe try not to question him about it a lot. He maybe just busy right now.. who knows. But if he is going through something again, hopefully he will come to you about it before it's too late. Just tell him that you are here for him to talk to about any concerns that he may have about ANYTHING, whether it be the two of you, or something else that is bothering him.

 

Nate... we are so similar! We'll make it through this together, no mater what happens. Today is the two week marker for me not talking to Todd. He wants his space, and he is getting it. I'm sure, almost absolutely positive that he will come back some day... could be years from now, but i know he will come back... from what i hear, they always do (unless you do something to deserve the break up, which is not our case). I've never been in a relationship before this one, so i'm not entirely sure how these things work, and i'm learning completely from other people's experiences. A post that you made the other day (i think it was you.. i don't remember)about "remember ur last relationship"... well there is no last relationship for me, so that's probably another factor as to why this is so hard. I'm starting to think of ways to make the thoughts of him with someone else go away, of not bother me so much. I'm trying to realize that down the road, if we aren't together, but with other people, i'll be happy and not caring about what he's doing with other people. At least i hope it works out that way.

 

Anyway.. so everybody's assignment for today is to get their hands on "I WILL SURVIVE" by Gloria Gaynor and blast it as loud as you can.. sing to it if you can! It will help us all.. i promise!

 

Good luck to us all..

[Evanescence]

i just saw your post after i posted mine and i have a comment

when this happened i realized that i have to start doing more for the less fortunate. i've called the Alzheimer's socitey to try and volunteer. I'm also going to try to work at a soup kitchen or something like that. I've also donated blood and i just got "tissue typed" to be put on the bone marrow donation registry. At first when this happened i thought that i should get a job or something (i'm a student so i'm not currenly working) just for weekends now that they are free, and it would be a chance to get some extra cash and meet some new people. But then, i'm leaving te city in 2 months, who's going to hire me for 2 months? then i realize that i can do something better with my new found free time.. volunteer for something helpful for others!

Maybe this could help someone else.. especially if you are feeling low about yourself. Doing this will only enforce the fact that you are a good, AWESOME person and you will know truly that THEY lost something, not you!

[eagle_nate]

I guess you didnt read my other reply...music is all i have.!!..i am excited to get home and (illegally) download those two songs. I made liana a CD, I doubt she even cares but some songs so clearly articulate the feelings in my head you know?

I also think it's therapy...I would only admit this here but i woke up this morning and played a whole bunch of songs that are meaningful in terms of this relationship & others...ironically, imortal by you know who, Heaven slow version by DJ Sammy, Goodbye - michelle branch, More than words can say -Alias, Right here waiting - Richard Marx, i could go on all day!

Music is awesome.

It does make you cry but that's Ok i think.

From the sounds of it Ev, he will come back..Liana came back our first "break" and it was so awesome after...we went on a trip, talked, great sex, you name it...the key that i have learned is to not fall back into the same patterns. For example, communication is a huge problem for us and when we got back together we agreed to communicate our feelings, issues, etc. Well, a few weeks later, everyting is back to the old ways. I suppose becasue that is what is comfortable. So my only advice is....don't just be happy he's back..turn it into growth, it's hard but i know you can do it.

Wow, your first relationship eh? That must make it even harder, it was me who suggested to use the old relationship theory but that obviously won't work.

Whatever you do Ev, keep strong! This is the 1st time in my life i have been so strong. It feels good at times but i get these "waves" of emotion...anyone else?

I will feel good for a bit and then WHAM, I feel like **** all of a sudden.

I can't wait to be preaching to my kids about this when I am old and happily married.

Talk soon guys,

Nate

 

p.s. Yeah i agree, i'm glad i found this site! you guys have been great. I derfinitely feel better than I would i think. My friends are honestly so sick of this they don't really want to talk about it so this is it for me!

[coursingthru]

Bonds That Make Us Free

 

I actually purchased an e-book called "How To Get Your Ex Back"

 

 

If any of you are interested - I have it on disc and can email it to you. There is a book it says to buy - which out here in my area of Cali - within a 30 mile radius of all the popular bookstores - it is on back order for a few weeks!!!

 

 

When he first bailed on us - I was devastated and compared him leaving to me (at least my mourning and devastation) was when my Dad died 5 years ago.

 

 

I thought I loved him. I wanted him back then - I begged him - I was pathetic. But as the weeks went by and he was being so cruel to push me away - I looked at it in a different light. It wasn't until the week before Valentine's when I put the little call to one of the realtors in my office that we should get a drink one night (I was doing the guideline of the book to go on 3 dates in the next 30 days) Well - this was a guy who has been asking my boss about me for almost a year now up until Oct. 03 when my boss said - she's living with the guy and getting married - leave her alone!

 

 

He is older than I've dated before (i'm 36 he's 44) my ex is 34.

 

 

It is a night and day difference and everything has gone so smoothly. When my ex showed up Saturday night and then emailed me yesterday - last night I was very sad. But the sadness came from the fact that I spent 3 years with this man and someone new comes in after 2 weeks - how could I be done like that? It made me sad - I cried through the night listening to cd's I made of sad songs;

 

May I suggest - Sarah Mcglaughlin's new cd and some of the song's from the movie "Sweet November". Nine Days has good songs too.

 

 

I understand where you all are coming from and mine is a little off topic - to a point because I can relate with wanting that person back when they left you! I look at as the same too as loving someone - you never leave and work on the issues together - ESPECIALLY if you're living together and soon to be married!

 

 

I would not take him back because I know now from this site and reading and writing that he has a lot of issues that he needs to take care of to become emotionally mature for any relationship and I realized this when everything had to be answered or have an answer and it wore me out! It is like my bro told me - he has "arrested development".

 

 

I have lived a full and experienced life. I been through it all and I thought that I was truly in love for the first time - seriously - especially because I said yes to getting married again after I've been divorced over 7 years and stayed focus on work and my kid.

 

 

I fought this guy tooth and nail emotionally to not be with him the 1st 2 years - and I finally stopped and then he bails!

 

 

The thing is - now I understand - he isn't ready and didn't want to believe it. This was his email to me today after I emailed him back with an honest answer that the thought of falling back into him was not something I want to do because it is all still to painful to see him or talk to him because his behavior and thoughts to me are so erratic

 

"Thank you for responding with your heart. I guess I just wanted come by and tell you Saturday that I don't have any anger towards you. In my heart, it still is love, despite everything. I don't know God's plan either, I was just hurting beyond anything I could control. For now I keep trying to heal myself and fix my bad behaviors and habit patterns. I hope one day we can sit down and talk, but you're right about it being too painful now. I hope that once you get settled into a new place you will contact me. You have my cell number."

 

 

But whoever wants a copy of "How to get Your Ex back" let me know and I will forward it to you. It is a 58 page book

 

 

We all are going to be okay and we will survive - it just sucks. I just want to meet someone that I am going to be with until the day I die!

[monkey]

"Don't let it bring you down,

it's only castles burning,

find someone thats turning

& you will come around"

 

Neil & the Horse

[Evanescence]

coursingthru... i think that your postings definitly have a place here. You are going through the same thing we are. I have to admit that i admire you. You have a child and you are being a strong mother! I'm sure that you aren't letting him back not only for you, but also your child. Your kid needs someone to look up to and idolize, and they will do that to whomever you let into your life, so you have to be even choosier than any of us when it comes to this type of thing. Have you decided that you absolutely do not want him back in your life ever? Or do you just want to make sure that he has his issues straightened out? All i have to say is good for you!

As i said in an earlier posting (yesterday i think) i also have read "how to get your ex back". its a good book isn't it? It has helped a lot. I don't have any clue how i'm going to get those 3 dates though. I've never dated in my life, except my ex! so i have no clue where to start. I think i'm going to ask some of my guy friends if they'd like to hook me up with some guys or a guy who would like to go out for a date "no strings attached".

So Bonds that Break Us Free is on back order in Cali? I just ordered it from Amazon and hopefully it gets to me soon. Is it that popular of a book? God is that many ppl out there going through the same thing as us? I tried to get it from a Canadian book store online, but it's not published in Canada! What a frickin bummer.. I swear.. sometimes being in Canada can really have it's downfalls.. lol.. I was just shopping in Michigan yesterday too.. I could have gotten it from Borders if i would have read the book before i left to go shopping instead of after!

Did you buy that book yet? is it any good?

 

Nate.. as far as the "old habits" thing goes, when he called me a few days after he said he wanted to "see other people" we talked about the relationship, and i told him that things are going to be very different if we get back together, and he agreed. Different for the better hopefully

[monkey]

Michelle did you get the copy i sent you, or had you already read it.

I suppose the 3 dates are something you can imagine you go on, it's not nice to string someone along & your a nice person, they may get attached.

[coursingthru]

Thank you for your sweet words Evanescence.....

 

 

The one reason that I stand strong in not taking him back - is because he showed up on the 1st day of winter vacation with his 2 brothers and a friend and took all of his belongings - tv, clothes, etc. in front of my daughter and i was at work. My gf ran over to be there and said that if he was there when she got there - she would have went to jail for what she would've done to him because of the emotional state my 13 yr old was in from him pulling out like that in front of her on the week of xmas!

 

 

He told her that he was taking his things in case someone broke in the place! I don't have a stupid child and to this day - she asks why he did what he did. I let her know he wasn't strong enough to be with us. She said "my dad is right when he says anyone who loses us - has lost the best thing in their life!"

 

 

I can't let her down. I don't want her to fall into "emotionally unavailable" men and if I took him back - I think she would sense and also feel a fear it could happen again. She is done with him too.

 

 

I haven't been able to get the book!!!

 

 

What I did was go onto Match.com and do a profile and met a couple of guys that way - I didn't go out with any of them. But the guy I see right now - he works in my office downstairs. He is really sweet. But I am not jumping too quickly. I am chatting with this guy from match.com who lives close to me and he may mark my 2nd date.

 

 

Is there anyone you work with that kinda catches your eye? I was the one who step forward with this guy asking him out for a drink. I left a voicemail and he called me back that night!

 

 

I even look at internet dating as a date because you share yourself to a point and you either chat a lot or it fades quickly.

 

 

I am not a dater by any means! My mom gets on my case to try things a different way instead of sticking with one guy - date around - but for me - it is so relentless and such an brain sucking activity to "juggle".

 

 

The thing is with that book "How To..." is that you have to date 3 people you have never dated!!!! My gf has always made the comment "Always have another d"ck" in a jar in case the one your used to falls out!"

 

 

I think if you make the effort on a least ONE date - you'll kinda know if you can move the 2nd. I plan on dating the guy from match.com - but from the way he writes his emails and includes xxooxxoo at the end before his name tells me he's looking for one thing - and it isn't what I am looking for!

 

 

On another note - I do feel like my ex has A LOT of growing to do. He has been emotionally aggravating for the past 3 years - but because I loved him - I continued and thought - he's going to catch on soon.....he's very intelligent - but it is that old saying "book smart - emotionally dumb". He is a great bs'r and that is why I stuck it out because I fell for it. Now I know.

[GREENIEBEANIE]

Everyone, Unless there are kids Involved, We all need to CUT OUR LOSSES.

 

 

 

It's so SILLY to continue to be down and depressed and sad. SOME THINGS ARE JUST NOT MEANT TO BE.

 

 

 

PEOPLE CHANGE, PERSONALITIES CHANGE, PRIORITES CHANGE...It's good that we have a forum to get

advice and to vent and to talk about it, But at the end of the day, it's not healthy to continue to DWELL

on the past, hoping they'll come back. If they've left, They've already closed the door on the past and altered the

future. It's done. Whether or not things come together again depends on time, But We all need to understand and realize that It's not healthy to dwell on the past. We're all in love with the past and what we had.....It's time to move on.

Better Yourselves and in turn feel better about things...Get some of that Self-confidence back. If they leave us,

They don't love us as much as we thought....Other wise they wouldn't leave. We need to open our eyes to the truth.

[coursingthru]

Better Than Ezra....

 

GET YOU IN

 

This is the song he just emailed me............

 

 

I believe in cutting our losses - whether or not children are involved. I left my marriage after 7 years with 2 kids (I raised my ex hsbnds son for 8 years) .

 

 

It takes time and you reel for awhile - some longer than others. It is time that helps you to see - as long as you're willing to see it. I could've fallen and taken him back Saturday night - I could do it tonight. But - I know in my heart, it isn't right because you are right GB - when you say

 

"They don't love us as much as we thought....Other wise they wouldn't leave. We need to open our eyes to the truth."

 

 

This is what I am doing.