"needing Time And Space"

[stangchik]

Hi all,

 

My bf and I have been together for 4 yrs and there has been alot of pressure from me about getting engaged. The other day he tells me, he needs time to figure out what he wants, I have pressured him so much he doesn't know if he wants ever get married.

 

So of course he needs his time alone, to figure things out. He also said if he ever does ask me to marry him it will because he wants to, not because he feels like he has to. I know marriage is a big step.......and he really needs this time to his self/

[dlb311]

my ex and I were getting real serious that it scared him and he broke things off. But in time he realized how much he loved me and wants me. And he came back. And things are very good. We are still way in love and working things and I actually think things will be even better because we now know what its like with and without each other. I was okay without him and I meet some other guy that tickled my fancy but was not him. I am so glad we are back because we just have such a good connection and relationship. And he keeps me in check with reality and I hope I do the same for him. Good luck if he feels he needs his time if you truly love him you will give it to him and if wants you back then its ment to be. Good luck remember either way you will be good and expierance what life has to offer its amazing....

[bicylejunk]

See, I wish I could have had what you have DLB311,

 

I felt me and My girl were way serious, but I loved it. She was the one that freaked out and felt she

had to leave and take some time to think about it. 4 years together. She loved me but wasn't ready for

the commitment. It seems like it should be the other way around, A guy getting cold feet. But she was the

one who felt she wanted to do stuff with her life first and hoped to come back to me someday, But it's been a while and

no real sign of getting back together. But who knows. It's a crazy life we all live as human beings. I hope she sees in her

heart one day that I was good for her, I mean she told me 10,000 times I was her "ONE" her perfect match, The man of her dreams,

So who knows. At least we still talk every once in a while and it's a nice talk. We don't hate each other. I just don't want to pressure her at all.

[JamVan]

Confusion???

 

I have since reconciled with my girlfriend, but now I feel a huge sense of confusion on my part. Last Sunday she called and asked if we could talk and I agreed. I went to see her and she proceeded to tell me how much she missed me and how she had been feeling. She stated she has a real fear of total commitment to me because she’s afraid that our life’s will change. By this I mean both of us have similar personalities where we both like to have a good time with friends and family, as well when the kids are with us we are devoted parents. She felt us getting real close to the next step and ran. I told her things don’t have to change and chances are with our personalities they wouldn’t.

 

She also told me if I weren’t the person I was her decision would be easy, she’d be gone, but she feels that she can’t be without me in her life when I’m gone. She also thought I would never leave…that I would let her figure things out and wait around. So, when I broke the news to her that I had to end it for my own heart it freaked her out worse than thinking of commitment. She said she never realized exactly how much I meant to her and by me leaving made her realize many things almost instantly.

 

Now, we are getting along well and moving slow and beginning a new start (what we are calling it), here’s where my confusion hits. I met this other girl whom I really get along with and enjoy talking to. I was honest with this girl saying I didn’t want to rush into anything and that I had talk to my ex. As I am a one woman man I can only be with one person, so I told her I had some things to figure out and didn’t expect her to wait around. She said figure your stuff out and call me if you want, you have my number. Now I find myself scared that my girlfriend is going to pull the space thing on me again in a couple months and on the other hand whether I should cut my loses and maybe start something new and fresh. I do love my girlfriend to death, but after two times I can’t help but feel hesitant…and she totally understands. What should I do?

[dlb311]

I think you should consider what the new girl can offer you and the old girlfriend has to offer you. I had the same situation. I have my ex coming back because he was commitment phobic and realized its not worth it. And I met a new guy while he was gone that I am very attracted to. But the reality of the situation the new guy would never make me as happy as my boyfriend makes me. I still talk to the new guy but we don't see each other. We still feel the tension between us so now I have decided to cut all contact. If you keep this other person in your life you will always have confusion because you liked this new girl. So once you make your chioce cut off contact with the one you decided wouldn't work out. Its scary to worry if they will leave again. So she has done this to you twice already any break ups or she just get weirded out? I think you should look in to your heart and follow it. If you really feel this is the one for you. Then go for it if not don't waste your time.

Good Luck

[JamVan]

Well thanks for the advice it seems pretty simple when you put it that, but of course it isn’t. She has done this twice now only to come back 2-4 days later saying she’s fine now and realizes everything, but wants to take it slow. You know at one point I truly believed she was the one, but now I find myself having doubts about that. This new person, as I am just getting to know, has many of the same values as I and is very driven in life, like myself. Then on the other hand my love for my girlfriend is still strong, but has the scars of the past that I need to try get over. I see the potential in her, but not sure if she able to reach it, if that makes any sense.

[bicylejunk]

Oh man, That sounds exactly like my ex... She has the potential in her, but I'm not sure either if she's able to reach it.

I have so much faith in her, but so far she has let me down, but i'm still trying to have hope.

 

 

Only my ex did it to me Twice and then she finally moved out. She doubted stuff, then left, but she came back wanting to reconcile, then she left again , then she moved out. I still talk to her and see her every now and then.

She says she still wants me in her life, but I don't trust her anymore. Meaning: I don't trust her love for me. She can cry to me

and say that she misses us, But if we ever got back together, I'd fear everyday wondering when she's going to leave again or

come up to me and tell me that she's feeling those feelings again. It sucks. But it had to be done.

 

I've met some girls that are very attractive and cool, friends of friends and I could totally pursue something,

But that's just not where my heart is at. My heart is still in my ex's hands. It's like she carries it around in her purse and

it gets lost and some days she finds it and comes around and then just throws it back in and forgets about it. Or maybe i'm

just so insecure now a days that I just think she's forgotten about me. She says she loves me, but how much. Does she want me to come after her? Am I supposed to leave her alone? It's a tough call. I just take one day at a time and live for the moment.

 

I'd say so what you feel. If you love this girl(your ex) And she truly truly loves you back, work thru those doubts and fears with her and

make her a happy girl. But if you have doubts after talking things thru with her, Maybe it's time to move on and look into that other girl.

I mean who knows, I don't want to think it, but sometimes I wonder if my break-up is just a prelude to meeting the Actual girl of my dreams, Cuz i believe things happen for a reason. Maybe yes, Maybe no. Just do what your heart tells you, stay true to yourself.

[JamVan]

Yea, it’s rough and the timing of everything sucks too. I mean I can’t ask this new girl to sit around and wait for me to make up my mind, even though she has been surprisingly super understanding. It’s a total tough call you think you’re in love with someone, but am I still or was I. What a cruel game. The one thing I have going for me is I’ve found my confidence and individuality that was lost before all of this went down. I mean there are moments when I feel this girl does care for me deeply and wants to remain with me, but then she’ll act a certain way that makes me feel differently. It seems we are all on the same emotional roller-soaster together and like you said things happen for a reason, I to believe that as well. I think time will tell, but the situation at hand..”How much time is available?”

 

My thoughts are if you truly love someone you want to spend time together at all times, even when you’re apart. When those same feelings aren’t being returned you start to question your own love and integrity, when in reality you should be putting your heart foremost to the front.

[dlb311]

I THINK YOU CAN LOVE SOME EVEN IF YOU AREN'T MEANT TO BE. SO IT REALLY SUCKS WHEN SOMEONE CAN'T MAKE UP THEIR MIND WHAT THEY TRULEY WANT. I HAVE WATCHED MY BOYFRIEND SINCE HE HAS BEEN BACK AND HE IS 100% SURE OF US AND I NEVER GET THE FEELING THAT ITS ANY OTHER WAY. I TOLD HIM I WILL ALWAYS NEED REASURANTS AND HE SAID HE WILL FOREVER!

IF SHE IS STILL UNSURE THEN TAKE IT AS A LESSON LEARNED AND FIND OUT WHAT THE NEW GIRL IS ABOUT. SHE IS UNSURE FOR SOME REASON AND SINCE SHE STILL HASN'T BEEN ABLE TO BE 100% SURE THEN IF IT WAS ME I WOULD LEAVE. YOU ARE ASKING FOR ANOTHER HEART ACHE. AND YOU HAVE GONE THROUGH TO MUCH. IF SHE TRUELY WANTS TO BE WITH YOU SHE WILL AND GIVE IT HER ALL. IF SHE CAN'T THEN YOU KNOW ITS NOT MEANT FOR YOU TO BE WITH HER. GOOD LUCK AGAIN. STAY STRONG AND TAKE THE NEW STRENGH YOU HAVE REGONIZED AND LIVE LIKE THERE IS NO TOMORROW. DON'T WAIST TIME WITH SOMEONE WHO CAN'T GIVE YOU THEIR ALL.

[Hendrix]

Originally posted by ryersonqtpie

I can only speak for myself....and I am just as confused as my boyfriend is right now.

Today, after a long weekend of arguing about why I like to take time for myself sometimes (becasue he doesn't understand that) I said that I needed some time to think things through.

I dont even really know what this entails.

I know that I am suffocating. I'm not doing this to be single - I'm doing it to reestablish my individuality - because after a year and a half of being together, I don't feel like my own person anymore - I feel like half of a pair - and i don't think that is fair (I do not equate a relationship on the same level as a marriage, therefor I will not let my relationship blind me to who I am on my own).

 

My boyfriend could possibly be the greatest boyfriend someone could ever have. He holds me on such a high pedestal - takes care of me in every sense, loves me unconditionally....there will never be another like him - and i do love him, its just that....since he is so great, and I can be the one who gets standoffish (he always wants to be together), I always feel like the bad guy in this relationship; when I do say I want time (ie, with my girlfriends, by myself etc..) I can see it in his eyes - he worries, it makes him sad.

He worries that Im having a better time without him, he worries that I'll find someone new...

 

We have discussed this many times....but the sheer fact that I know these concerns exist, make me fretful when I still do like to do things on my own.

 

So I told him I need some time to think. I dont even know what to think about...all I know is that this totally sucks.

 

this is exactly what im in now, 2 weeks of it after 2 and a half years, and i hate it

its all i think about, its just affecting everyting i do and think

[bicylejunk]

I once read a post on here a long time ago when I was first going thru my 4 year break-up with

my ex. It said :

 

***If 2 people can communicate, bring out the best in each other, support each other emotionally and

work thru silly problems and still have joy, they are a great match. There will always be 1000's of choices

out there even though you Love the one you're with. There will always be other possiblities, people who may look better,

make you laugh more, BUT if you can look at your bf/gf and deep down know that "you could do different" But "You will

never do Better" then he/she is the one for you, Don't risk losing him/her because there are no definites in this world,

nobody's perfect and life is too short.***

 

I've just never understood why "finding yourself" as an individual means that you must get rid of your special someone.

If you love him/her, but your feeling lost, why get rid of him/her so soon? Why not sort things out together, set new boundries?

Needing space is just a cop out it seems. It's a manipulation of your loved one's feelings, emotions, understanding & Trust.

You won't "find yourself" in another's arms. I think you find yourself in the eyes of the people who love you and depend on you.

When you cut them off, You're sort of running away from responability in a way. If things are great in the relationship, but

you're having doubts, I wish more people would talk it out and try and stay put so that you could face those fears together.

That's what I wanted with my Ex. But she was just so confused with everything. She wanted to be with me, But she wanted to

be on her own. I tried to help her, but didn't want to invade that space she said she needed. As it stands right now, She

is still not ready to give me her all, so I just need to slowly but surely move on even though it hurts.

[calithin83]

the breakup thing-space...

 

well my bf wanted space but i didnt wanna give it to him so he broke up with me like a month later then i had no choice basically...

 

well we were broken up for a month 1/2...and it sucked but when i didnt call him and just ignored him when i saw him at school i guess i made him feel like he really had lost me, he came back after that cos when he started calling me after that month i didnt pick up and i didnt text him back, i was ignoring him cos of the way he just wanted to be away from me, so i figured ok whatever then...

finally he came to talk to me at school and we kissed but i told him that if he didnt wanna be bf and gf anymore to not pretend like he does and to not expect kisses or anything liek that..

finally a week after that he asked me back out and now were still together and actually better then before...

 

but i was cold with him when he first began talking to me i didnt let him see how much i loved him or still cared for him, and he even tells me now that when i became a challenge he wanted me more, but that when i was the one chasing him he got annoyed and jjust wanted his space and to run away!

[sarah12]

Yea, it’s rough and the timing of everything sucks too. I mean I can’t ask this new girl to sit around and wait for me to make up my mind, even though she has been surprisingly super understanding. It’s a total tough call you think you’re in love with someone, but am I still or was I. What a cruel game.

 

JamVan - I have been the new girl in the situation and I was also very understanding during the situation with the 'ex'. However in my case, the guy broke up with her, but it was a very long relationship. I can tell you from my experience though, that I was very understanding with this guy because I saw something in him and I knew that despite all the crap he was going through with the ex, I knew what we had, it was something good, and so I wanted to hold on. Also, I've done my share of dating and know when something good comes along, you shouldn't let it go. Unfortunately we are not dating anymore..kind of on hold, kind of not..he's not dating the ex, but he needs time to sort out his thoughts/feelings and let the old relationship fully come to an end (it was a long one.).

 

My suggestion to you is to take time apart from both girls because you can only figure out what you want on your own, without the influence of these two other people. Give it a couple of months and see where things go. If this new girl is anything like me, a part of her will always be with you, knowing that things were so great.

[JamVan]

Well that is some good sound advice. Last night was a brutal one for myself. The gf(ex) asked me to come over so I did. She was extremely tired and fell asleep on my lap. As I was sitting there a had a huge rush of disconcerting feelings. As I do have a tendency to quickly react, that’s what happened. I simply jumped up and said I was leaving. She sat there and said o.k., why are you leaving? Do you want to leave? I simply said I had to go and left. Once getting home I called her up and said I can’t do this anymore, the fear of you leaving again and needing space is totally overwhelming. She said, if that’s what you need to do I can’t stop you, just know that it’s not what I want to be doing.

 

So we talked some more and she said, sometimes I don’t get you. I’m sorry for falling asleep on you, but I was tired, content and happy. She felt like, holy cow!, you haven’t even given it a chance. She just wants to take it slow and not rush anything, because the last time we rushed right back in with our eyes closed and did each other no justice. She feels that when she is with me, she is totally happy and has fun and just wants to let things happen on their own with no pressures or expectations. How could I argue with that? I couldn’t as it was making total sense. I guess I was expecting something or expecting it to go right back to the way it was.

 

Anyway, we have decided to proceed with our date tonight and just keep taking things slow. I need to somehow get my emotions in check and just go with it, whatever it is I decide.

[tigerarmies]

i'M LOST AT WHAT TO DO too.

 

I see where you're at JAMVAN and It sounds like my situation. Only were just hanging out, since she moved out already just over 3 weeks ago. She calls me

up and asks me if I want to hang out or grab some dinner every once in a while. In fact when she moved out it was because she was unhappy with her life and felt she needed her own space But she said she doesn't ever want to lose me. But she needs time with No bf right now.. I want so badly to go out with her when she calls because I love her so much But Sometimes

I struggle with wondering if I'm supposed to leave her alone to her space like CALITHIN83 mentioned. Leave her alone, get real busy and then she'll come calling even more if she thinks she's losing me, But I don't want to play any games.

 

She has the best of both worlds because, She moved out to her own place but she still has the benefits of me still helping

her out and being there when she wants to hang out. She'll come over to my place(our place til she moved out) and we'll watch a movie and

just get cozy, She'll ask me to rub her feet, i will cuz I love her, we'll just have a calm, quiet night like we used to have. But then she'll

get up and leave to go home to her place with no real difficulty and then I end missing her and feeling sad.

 

I want to give her her space, but sometimes I think me being with her and still hanging out with her ISn't giving her her space.

But I want to see her a s much as I can, Because I miss her. But I don't want to seem too eager because I don't want to scare

her off. Oh, It's tough. It sucks.

[JamVan]

Yep, I know what you mean tigerarmies, I get the same sort of reaction from her at times. One night she’ll say stay with me I don’t want you to leave and then the next night she’ll want to sleep alone. She says it’s not that she doesn’t want me there, it’s because she wants to take things real slow and when we do spend time apart is when she realizes how much she loves me. It seems everyone doesn’t want to play games, but that’s exactly what love seems to be is a big game. Like yourself I know when I left and had no contact with her for days, she began calling even more and wanted to see me more. Even now, when she calls or emails me if I can’t get back to her right away she’ll panic and get worried that I am thinking of calling it quits again.

 

It seems from all the other posts in here many times when you take a break, get back together and actually work on things at a slow pace things tend to work out. I know the hardest part for me is the fact I fell so in love with this girl and spent so much time together, the adjustment of taking things slow sometimes becomes overwhelming and you start to question…”what exactly is going on here?” I wish I had all the answers, but unfortunately I don’t. What the consensus seems to be is to follow your heart and your heart will help you decide, even it means going through hurt once again.

[glasshammer]

Love can be totally beautiful and make you feel so good, or it can turn horrible and make you feel SO bad.

[photoshop]

How do you balance how much time you should give the one who needs space? I mean My girl left me and moced out, but she still seems to want the benefits of my company and I help her out so much that, she's never going to miss me because we still hang out.

How should I go about doing my own thing, How do I tell her when she calls? That's what bugs me. I want her to miss me. But right now, she can't really because I'm still there for her.

[photoshop]

Tigerarmies, Jamvan, I think were all Kindred souls, We care about our girls, but they are playing with our hearts.

[JamVan]

Well photoshop the best advice I can give which worked for me, is don’t be so readily available whenever she calls. I know it’s hard because most likely when she calls it excites you with the notion you are able to see her. For myself I got to the point where I couldn’t take being strung around anymore, meaning seeing each other on her watch and broke things off totally. I had to tell her that we need to break all ties and not be in contact whatsoever. She had a hard time handling this because she still wanted to be able to talk and stuff, but I had to say no. That lasted for about 3 days and she came calling saying that me being gone from her life totally made her realize that she wasn’t so much afraid of the commitment any longer. We sat down and got every feeling off our chest and we both realized that maybe there is something there worth fighting for. I’ll give her some credit, when she realizes something she doesn’t have a problem expressing herself.

 

Now, we are definitely not at the point I wish to be, which brought upon by breakdown last night, but she made me realize that we our given another chance and can fall in love the way we were before all over again. Although, that still may not happen, if it does all this bull**** I have gone through will be worth it which ever way it turns out. If it works FANTASTIC, if it doesn’t I’ll take it as a lesson learned.

 

So maybe, you need to tell this girl that she is making no headway in figuring out her wants and feelings with you being around still all the time and say your goodbyes. If she comes back fine. If she comes back and your still available…fine. If she comes back and your not, at least you’ve lived live for yourself.

 

It’s tough, probably the worst feeling on earth, even than loosing someone to a death, because even though you still may love the person, the fact that they are still around makes it that much tougher. But, if you truly love your girl stand up and fight and give her some ulimatives, do it for you and not the other person.

 

Good luck and take care. At least this forum allows us to get things off our chests when we need to.

[photoshop]

My only problem is, My ex lacks self-confidence. If I told her No contact, i'm afraid she'd take it as, "I don't like you anymore" even though i've told her how much I love her. And I don't really think she'd come crawling back to me. She'd see it as, I don't want to see her or be around her anymore.she's just like that.

[dlb311]

you may think that if you tell her to leave you alone. She will! she will forget all about you and move on because that is what you so called said you wanted. Well if she really doesn't want you then she will. But if she loves you as much as you love her then she will take time away and realize she doesn't like not having you in her life. It takes time. Some it takes months, some it takes weeks. My ex and I broke up for 5 months. But we had contact for all the 4 months except the 5th and now he is back and going stronger then ever and it seems our relatioonship is still hot....

You think by keeping her around she will change her mind. Is that fare to you. To sit and wait for her. No way that is not far you love her and want her as your girlfriend. Right? Well then don't settle for less unless you really want to just be her friend. IF that is okay with you no matter what you will need some time to get over the relationship. So either way you are better off telling her if this is what she really wants then she needs to give you time and space like she wants ha ha ha to get over you. See how she reacts don't let her have her cake and eat it too. I am not sure how old you both are. But if you are young then in time you will realize why this is happening to you. It could be a lesson learned or it will show you both how much you mean to each other. But don't let her have it only on her terms that isn't far if she loves you she will understand..

Be true to yourself. And go out and have a good time because if and when she comes back you will wish you had. Its not fun to be single forever but when you are single for a little while its cool. so just enjoy your time either you will realize what she had or you willl realize you are better off and find someone 100 times better who wont need time and space....

good luck

[bicylejunk]

Women Needing Time And Space is the biggest COP OUT ever. It's just an excuse to put you on hold while they try out

other guys or at least flirt and feel single again. You could tell a girl she's so beautiful and that you love her completely and

would do anything for her, But eventually she's going to want to hear it from other people and your comments won't

have any effect on her whatsoever.

It's sad.

I say 'Women" because it seems like it's always women. I know men do it too, but the majority is women. How many

times have you heard, "It's not you, it's me" or "I just need time to myself", "I need to find Myself"..........That just sounds like

 

"I need to find myself....Another guy".

 

 

I'm angry and disgruntled now. I've been hurt too many times. You put your heart out there and they just crush it.

[dlb311]

and alot of men do that two. Me ex said he needed to do his own thing. Sometimes people go through crap and are so over whelmed they do need time. Sometimes time and space is what you need to realize if this is the one person for you. Other wise its not.

I think its not a good excuse. I think my boyfriend should have said I am being really selfish and I'mcared and confused I think being apart will help me realize what I want. But he said I still love you and need you in my life but need this time. So I gave it to him. I let him be and he came back. And its wonderful its the same great relationship if not better and now we know... time can only tell. If you are hurt and angree I suggest to guard yourself more next time. I no its hard but don't trust everyone so fast. And really get to know a person before you let yourself get emotional.

While my ex and I were apart I met this guy and he seemed great and won me over right away. I met his family and everything. I talked to him everyday he came on real strong and I didn't let him in so fast even though we were talking and moving fast in other things emotional I kept that wall up, and when I found out he was a rude, jerk, that was dark and angree about life I could walk away because I didn't let myself get to involved. It hurt I liked him but at least I got to know him as a person and I know no matter how attracted I was to him he would have never made me happy in the end. Good luck and anger will get you no where scream, yell, through , exercise get it out. But don't take it out on people. The guy I meet said he was like that because of his ex. She broke his heart and he could never trust another woman again. Well he missed out on a good thing because not all woman are the same and not all are going to love and leave you. Everyone loves each other differently. Have hope....

[JamVan]

I have to agree with dlb311, as every situation is different you need to take two steps back and analyze the situation. If you know your girl is out with another guy for sure then you have to think to yourself…is she worth it then. People sometimes need space to know for sure if they can give there all to a situation, if they can’t you can’t take the blame on yourself it’s not your fault. In my situation right now all though it seems to be going well, I still get moments of doubt. For me at times I feel the situation not advancing at the rate I think I want it too and find myself freaking out about it. Ultimately we have to think of the situation for ourselves. Meaning if you are not happy with the situation in your heart and mind, then maybe it’s time to just walk away. Love can be cruel, probably more often than not, but if true love is to win out…no one said it will be achieved without some hard work.