My journal of trying to imrove my life (watch how things always go wrong for me)

[Ross PK]

I have had thoughts that I could practice on a particular parking lot which is on a hill.

 

But I'm not sure if I can ever face driving again or if there is even any point in me continuing to drive. Because I'm sure in the next couple of weeks it's going to end up being something else completely ridiculous and embarrassing that happens (it's a regular thing for me), and only a matter of time before something much worse ends up happening.

 

I don't know what's wrong with me.

[josie54]

I have had thoughts that I could practice on a particular parking lot which is on a hill.

 

Why don't you do that then? There's nothing to lose! No one to honk, no one to fluster you. Just quiet time to practice....why not act on THESE thoughts, as well as the negative ones?

 

But I'm not sure if I can ever face driving again or if there is even any point in me continuing to drive. Because I'm sure in the next couple of weeks it's going to end up being something else completely ridiculous and embarrassing that happens (it's a regular thing for me), and only a matter of time before something much worse ends up happening.

 

I don't know what's wrong with me.

 

This is called "all or nothing" thinking--you will not/cannot acknowledge that there is a possible outcome of anything you do that's in between 100% success and 100% failure. Therefore you qualify everything as one or the other--and since it is very rare that ANYTHING in life is a 100% success, for you it then HAS to be 100% failure. In your post here, you have a solution--practice in that parking lot--but for some reason you dismiss the solution and look only at the problem.

 

You take a bad day in the car as 100% failure, but then won't take the steps to practice so that you can improve--which leads back to 100% failure.

 

Therefore, a trip home from work or school is a 100% failure if you get flustered during part of it. It doesn't matter that you got home and all was well, or that there was something good to eat for dinner or that a friend called to say hello. You have no categories in between "GREAT" and "AWFUL" that acknowledge that life doesn't have to be perfect to still be pretty good most of the time.

 

I repeat what I said before--you need help. You have an emotional barrier that you cannot work through on your own. A therapist can help you work through your issues, make sense of them, and overcome them.

 

You must take that step for yourself, though. And once you do, you'll have to give it time before you quit (one bad session does not constitute 100% failure). If you don't like a therapist, you can find a new one.

 

If you don't seek help to change your thinking, you'll be stuck where you are. You need someone else to help you realize that you're not seeing the world or your life in a realistic way. But in the long run, it's easier to take that step forward for help, than it is to stay stuck for so long.

 

The cliche "life is what you make it" is sappy, but in many ways, very true. A therapist told a friend of mine to act "as if she were happy." That means, to get up every day and acknowledge that you're depressed, but then ask yourself, "What would you do if you WERE happy?"

 

And then he told her to do it. Now her depression was not so severe that she was not functional (in that case, medication can be required), but for her, acting "as if" really helped. She is much more positive about her life by following that one small piece of advice. If she knows she would go sit in the park for the morning or read a book by a favorite author or have lunch with a friend if she were happy, that's what she does. If she knows she would look for a new job if she were happy, that's what she does. When she's having a bad day, she let's herself have a bad day. But then, the next day, she goes back to doing what she would do if she were content.

 

Think of what you would do if things DID go right for you? What would you do if you WERE happy?

 

Then just do it. Acknowledge that your life is hell and that you hate it, but every day do what you know you would do if you were happy. Start with small things and work to bigger things. To use another cliche, "Happy is as happy does."

 

I think this is the last post I'll make to your thread, Ross. I hope you feel better and take action to find a more positive outlook (including speaking with a professional therapist to help you through the tougher stuff). Good luck!

 

Josie

[Ross PK]

Well, after speaking to someone face to face about things, I think I feel a little better.

 

And, it turns out that I didn't actually overheat my engine, apprantley it was that clutch (which would explain why the temprature gauge hadn't risen).

[bradpiit]

There is nothing called a free lunch is this world. If things needed to be resolved then initiative needs a support to be sorted out.

 

 

workout routines

[Ross PK]

Hey Eve, sorry it's been a long time but I've written down that stuff about where I'd like to be and how I got there now.

 

Here is what I've written,

 

I'm living where I used to live in a particular part wich I like, in a house, I have a job that I like, the hours aren't long, and I earn enough money so that I can afford plenty of luxuries, I also have some genuine nice friends that I sometimes see at the pub or whatever.

 

I can also drive and have a nice car.

 

I'm able to drive, because I had some further training, and some how everything fell into place, I also realised that the medication I was on was interfearing with my driving and causing the stupid things to happen, so I changed my meds to something else and everything went better.

 

I have a nice house because I'm able to afford the mortgage because I've got a decent job. I got a decent job because I studied at college.

 

I was able to afford to go to college because I took a crappy job, I was able to get the crappy job in the area that I wanted to move to because I got a flat down there paid for by the government.

 

I was able to get the flat because I filled in the forms. I was able to understand how to fill in the forms and knowing what I'm entitled too, because I spoke to someone about it (can't remember her name) on LS who works at a housing place, and because I spoke to me therapist and asked him about what I'm suppose to do as well.

 

I was able to do all of this without getting stuck and having to give up, because I was seeing a therapist for support.

[Eve]

No worries Ross.

 

I enjoyed reading your plan. I could envision things as I read along. The area you speak off moving to must hold some good memories because it was the first thing mentioned.

 

Only thing that came to mind was how good it would be to incorporate some level of pre-employment and pre-education support within the plan. Essentially I was thinking this because it is a big jump to go to college and start work. It is important to slowly build confidence via positive learning experiences and so I was wondering how this could be set within the 5 year view point? Now, you spoke of accommodation provided by the government. I will assume that you mean supported accommodation because of a conversation held on another part of the site. In this regard a high level of relevant support should be provided by the housing provider which could assist in creating an adequate pre employment, pre-education focus. For example, depending on what benefits you are receiving there is room to work and still recieve benefits if the work is part of a thereuputic process. This way you would not have to commit to a crappy job.

 

Right, can we do something further now based on what you have written? Of course others will have opinions/advice too.. I dont want to make it like I am some leader here or anything. I was just thinking how able you feel right now with the plan in front of you. Do you like the plan? I thought it very well thought out. If there was a scale of 0 - 20, with 0 being the worst you could ever be and 20 being the best you could ever be.. where would you put yourself on that scale right now? Where would you start?

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[Ross PK]

Yeah sure, we can do something further.

 

I'm not sure how able I feel with the plan, I guess I quite like it. The reason why I feel like this is because I just can't believe it's going to work out, I'm so paranoid about something terrible happening like becoming homeless, because that's just the type of thing that happens to me for some reason.

 

I'd put myself at 10 on the scale right now.

[Eve]

Yeah sure, we can do something further.

 

I'm not sure how able I feel with the plan, I guess I quite like it. The reason why I feel like this is because I just can't believe it's going to work out, I'm so paranoid about something terrible happening like becoming homeless, because that's just the type of thing that happens to me for some reason.

 

I'd put myself at 10 on the scale right now.

 

I would say that it is good to be realistic about what could happen.

 

Someone else mentioned earlier about a balance needing to exist between what could happen and what is currently happening.. or something like that. I thought that very wise because the mind can run away with itself sometimes. However, teasing apart the homelessness issue, a tenancy agreement is a pretty tight document. I know a little about tenancy agreements. Do you think that you would break some of the rules knowingly or unknowlingly? For example, would you disturb the peace of your neighbours? Would you use drugs on the premises? As the rent would be paid by Housing Benefit Section you would not have to pay rent yourself. The housing provider would know all about benefits and the problems which could happen. There would be a high likelihood that you would need to contribute about £10 - £15 as a service charge. Would you refuse to pay this? These are the main reasons why a person would be asked to leave supported housing accommodation, or referred into accommodation more suitable to their needs.

 

Looking at how you would score yourself right now, a score of 10 suggests to me that you have some experience behind you and recognise that there are things ahead. That is a balanced view. Could be scary though... hence my suggestion that support be added to work on a pre-employment and/or pre-educational focus, or something to assist with confidence.

 

What comes into your mind if you consider what would need to happen to make your score a 14?

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[Ross PK]

I would say that it is good to be realistic about what could happen.

 

Someone else mentioned earlier about a balance needing to exist between what could happen and what is currently happening.. or something like that. I thought that very wise because the mind can run away with itself sometimes. However, teasing apart the homelessness issue, a tenancy agreement is a pretty tight document. I know a little about tenancy agreements. Do you think that you would break some of the rules knowingly or unknowlingly? For example, would you disturb the peace of your neighbours? Would you use drugs on the premises? As the rent would be paid by Housing Benefit Section you would not have to pay rent yourself. The housing provider would know all about benefits and the problems which could happen. There would be a high likelihood that you would need to contribute about £10 - £15 as a service charge. Would you refuse to pay this? These are the main reasons why a person would be asked to leave supported housing accommodation, or referred into accommodation more suitable to their needs.

 

Looking at how you would score yourself right now, a score of 10 suggests to me that you have some experience behind you and recognise that there are things ahead. That is a balanced view. Could be scary though... hence my suggestion that support be added to work on a pre-employment and/or pre-educational focus, or something to assist with confidence.

 

What comes into your mind if you consider what would need to happen to make your score a 14?

 

Take care,

Eve xx

 

Btw Eve, I'd just really like to say thanks for helping me.

 

I think that it's possible that I could break some rules unknowingly, or even if I don't break the rules, I could get chucked out for some other reason. There's also the fact that if I were to suddenly find myself on the street with all my belongings, I would not know how to deal with it at all and just be in a complete panic.

 

I don't take drugs anymore, I haven't for years, and I'd have enough respect for the neighbours to not disturb them. I wouldn't refuse to pay any charges either.

 

I know it's unlikely to be be chucked out when living somewhere which the government is paying for, but I'm also thinking about once I'm renting somewhere better, like maybe a house, or even paying a mortgage for a house.

 

I do have plans of what I could do to avoid the situation of being chucked out, or what I could do if I were to be chucked out, but I'm still so paranoid about the plans not working out.

 

I think what would need to happen for me to be a 14 would probably for me to be seeing a therapist, who can make me mentally less fragile, or more 'able'.

[anne1707]

As the rent would be paid by Housing Benefit Section you would not have to pay rent yourself. The housing provider would know all about benefits and the problems which could happen. There would be a high likelihood that you would need to contribute about £10 - £15 as a service charge. Would you refuse to pay this? These are the main reasons why a person would be asked to leave supported housing accommodation, or referred into accommodation more suitable to their needs.

 

If Ross is eligible for full Housing Benefit then depending on the services, these may also be paid for by housing benefit. Cleaning of communal areas, window cleaning, etc would be covered. If referring to additional support services such as helping young people get employment then this would not be paid by Housing Benefit. However again if Ross was able to get full Housing Benefit for his rent then these additional support services would probably be paid for by Supporting People funding. A word of warning though. The Supporting People funding is under extreme pressure and is being cut back so suitable schemes may be hard to find and have high waiting lists.

[Eve]

Btw Eve, I'd just really like to say thanks for helping me.

 

I think that it's possible that I could break some rules unknowingly, or even if I don't break the rules, I could get chucked out for some other reason. There's also the fact that if I were to suddenly find myself on the street with all my belongings, I would not know how to deal with it at all and just be in a complete panic.

 

I don't take drugs anymore, I haven't for years, and I'd have enough respect for the neighbours to not disturb them. I wouldn't refuse to pay any charges either.

 

I know it's unlikely to be be chucked out when living somewhere which the government is paying for, but I'm also thinking about once I'm renting somewhere better, like maybe a house, or even paying a mortgage for a house.

 

I do have plans of what I could do to avoid the situation of being chucked out, or what I could do if I were to be chucked out, but I'm still so paranoid about the plans not working out.

 

I think what would need to happen for me to be a 14 would probably for me to be seeing a therapist, who can make me mentally less fragile, or more 'able'.

 

There are some really clever people who come on LS Ross.. I am just one of them Not really, just joking! I couldnt resist. There is something about you Ross that I like. Its like you have an affliction of honesty or something. I see our exchange and the many helpful comments here as one super interesting conversation... but you are the one with the answers

 

I am curious to know what drugs you took before. No shame intended. I ask because I have known someone with a diagnosis of 'social anxiety disorder' but his issues began after experiencing difficulties with alcohol.

 

So, a score of 14 would include a therapist of some sort being in the picture. Sounds like you have had a good, relevant relationship with a therapist previously. Usually there is a restriction on the amount of sessions if the therapist is with the NHS. This is not an easy thing to get around... Were you referred into a group at all?

 

What would a score of 6 mean to you? What would be happening?

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[Ross PK]

There are some really clever people who come on LS Ross.. I am just one of them Not really, just joking! I couldnt resist. There is something about you Ross that I like. Its like you have an affliction of honesty or something. I see our exchange and the many helpful comments here as one super interesting conversation... but you are the one with the answers

 

I am curious to know what drugs you took before. No shame intended. I ask because I have known someone with a diagnosis of 'social anxiety disorder' but his issues began after experiencing difficulties with alcohol.

 

So, a score of 14 would include a therapist of some sort being in the picture. Sounds like you have had a good, relevant relationship with a therapist previously. Usually there is a restriction on the amount of sessions if the therapist is with the NHS. This is not an easy thing to get around... Were you referred into a group at all?

 

What would a score of 6 mean to you? What would be happening?

 

Take care,

Eve xx

 

I used to smoke weed, take LSD and speed. I pretty much had social anxiety before this though.

 

Yeah, the last therapist I had really helped. He did actually ask me if I wanted to join a group of people, he thought it would be helpful for me to have some friends offline, but I declined, I guess I just didn't quite feel comfortable at the time, I think that I also thought that they probably wouldn't be my sort of people. But who knows.

 

I think a score of 6, would be for the doctor to say that he can't refer me to another therapist.

[Eve]

Ok, so you really want a therapist.

 

I want you to think beyond this for a moment mainly because I dont want you to externalise for a moment. I want to see examples of what both the positive and negative scores look like in terms of things you have achieved.

 

Try again.

 

I am not ignoring what you have said though, ok?

 

Ah, weed and other drugs can create a very ritualised way of thinking. Can you relate to this at all? Like, do you fixate on things?

 

Can you still join the therapy group? I know that you said that you didnt want to do this but can you still request information about the group?

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[Ross PK]

Ok, so you really want a therapist.

 

I want you to think beyond this for a moment mainly because I dont want you to externalise for a moment. I want to see examples of what both the positive and negative scores look like in terms of things you have achieved.

 

Try again.

 

I'm not really sure what you mean. Do you want me to give a score out of 20 on how well I've done in life?

 

 

 

I am not ignoring what you have said though, ok?

 

Ah, weed and other drugs can create a very ritualised way of thinking. Can you relate to this at all? Like, do you fixate on things?

 

I'm not sure what you mean by a ritualised way of thinking. I do fixate on things that are really bad for me, I think I always have done even before taking drugs.

 

Can you still join the therapy group? I know that you said that you didnt want to do this but can you still request information about the group?

 

Take care,

Eve xx

 

It may be possible that I could still join the therapy group, Not sure how I could request information about it, maybe I could email my therapist, but, I'm not sure if I'm ready for doing something like that yet. To be honest, I'm not even sure if it was a therapy group.

[Eve]

Ross, both of the imagined scores hinged on you seeing a therapist. I wondered what a score of 14 and a score of 6 would look like based on achievements, feelings, memories or whatever comes to you, without the focus of a therapist.

 

What comes to mind? Remember 0 is the worst you could ever be. 20 the best you could ever be. Your score of 10 was where you saw yourself. What would make the score a 14? What would make the score a 6?

 

So, the ritualised way of thinking was present before the drugs. Did the drugs make it worse? Did you take drugs as part of a group? Where are these people now?

 

Right now I am thinking that some sort of one to one support would be beneficial to you. Someone to help you in practical terms moreso than a thereuputic relationship. Do you have any services where you live which are termed 'tenancy support'.. Often workers will come to your home and help with all the practical and emotional things associated with moving on..

 

I am not sure that you need therapy. I think that some form of aftercare service or active support group would be more relevant right now.

 

But what do I know? What do you think?

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[Ross PK]

Ross, both of the imagined scores hinged on you seeing a therapist. I wondered what a score of 14 and a score of 6 would look like based on achievements, feelings, memories or whatever comes to you, without the focus of a therapist.

 

What comes to mind? Remember 0 is the worst you could ever be. 20 the best you could ever be. Your score of 10 was where you saw yourself. What would make the score a 14? What would make the score a 6?

 

So, the ritualised way of thinking was present before the drugs. Did the drugs make it worse? Did you take drugs as part of a group? Where are these people now?

 

Right now I am thinking that some sort of one to one support would be beneficial to you. Someone to help you in practical terms moreso than a thereuputic relationship. Do you have any services where you live which are termed 'tenancy support'.. Often workers will come to your home and help with all the practical and emotional things associated with moving on..

 

I am not sure that you need therapy. I think that some form of aftercare service or active support group would be more relevant right now.

 

But what do I know? What do you think?

 

Take care,

Eve xx

 

So you mean what would have to happen to make the score a 14 or 6 not including anything to do with a therapist?

 

I really don't know.

 

The drugs made things worse for the time being I think, as in they made me feel less happy. I know things have felt worse for me when I started to get into my late teens and it's been like that until now, but I don't think it was anything to do with me becoming worse, more like my life and the situations I was in.

 

I took drugs as part of a group and on my own too. I don't know where those people are now, except that one of them has died. I left where I used to live in '98.

 

The 'tenancy support' sounds like a good idea, I never knew there was such a thing, I'm not sure if there is one where I live.

 

I don't know what to think, I feel confused about everything, this is why I feel like I might as well wait before trying to do anything until I see my doctor, and that will have to be in about 2 months. I'm even keeping my car until then as a last ditch attempt, because I know once I sell it that's it, I'll never be getting another one again. Hopefully driving forwards and reversing it a few yards once a week will be enough to stop any damage being caused to it, since I can't even drive down the road anymore now.

[Eve]

So you mean what would have to happen to make the score a 14 or 6 not including anything to do with a therapist?

 

I really don't know.

 

The drugs made things worse for the time being I think, as in they made me feel less happy. I know things have felt worse for me when I started to get into my late teens and it's been like that until now, but I don't think it was anything to do with me becoming worse, more like my life and the situations I was in.

 

I took drugs as part of a group and on my own too. I don't know where those people are now, except that one of them has died. I left where I used to live in '98.

 

The 'tenancy support' sounds like a good idea, I never knew there was such a thing, I'm not sure if there is one where I live.

 

I don't know what to think, I feel confused about everything, this is why I feel like I might as well wait before trying to do anything until I see my doctor, and that will have to be in about 2 months. I'm even keeping my car until then as a last ditch attempt, because I know once I sell it that's it, I'll never be getting another one again. Hopefully driving forwards and reversing it a few yards once a week will be enough to stop any damage being caused to it, since I can't even drive down the road anymore now.

 

Please have a think about the score thing. Something may come to you tomorrow or while you are sleeping or something. I suppose I believe that the answers are within us already. Primarily, you need to kick start this intuition thing again. To me, as an outsider, it seems as though something happened that has really knocked your confidence. I know about the bullying, you have expressed the sadness that bought on. However, theres something else, or a combination of factors which have occured within a developmental stage that has left you wanting. Regarding the drug use, often a gap can occur because altered states can take the place of normal ups and downs and normal life can seem frightening or dull in comparison. Especially if the drug usage occured in your teens/early twenties.

 

Ross, I dont think that you are giving yourself enough of a chance but I can see how you could really benefit from a normal person with a bit of specialist knowledge lending an ear on a regular basis. Hence my view of contacting a tenancy support worker or something. Google your area and see what comes up. Often they have various low support groups which you could attend in order to give a focus during the week too. I would say that you are right to be cautious but I would like to see you challenging some of the things you fear could happen in small and stringent ways.

 

Please stop waiting for people. 2 months before seeing your Doctor is a long time. Seriously Ross something must have scared the crap out of you for you to keep putting your life on hold as such! Not sure it is a good idea to say whatever it is here. Its too personal methinks. But crap! I think that you need to look at people with a little less regard. A Doctor or therapist is no better than you. We are all stuck at times. Of course value the things which enable you to do better but really you have to develop your own way of being now.

 

In retracing your words, I hear that you have been involved in a group of persons before.. albeit with quite dodgy goings on with the drugs etc.. but none the less you were part of that group. What may be useful is to look at what you did at those times, back in the day, to function within a group. You can do it again because you have done it before. You just have a few adjustments to make now. Moving may have been for the best in some respects but continued drug use on ones own can be a massive catalyst into quite dark thoughts because there is noone to rebound off. However mostly the thoughts are simply an exaggerated response to things.

 

Whats done is done - although any experiences of paranoia should be disclosed to your Doctor.

 

Ross, google the tenancy support thing and have a think about the your scores.. see what comes up.

 

Off to bed to watch 'Mock the Week'.

 

Night Hun.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[Ross PK]

Please have a think about the score thing. Something may come to you tomorrow or while you are sleeping or something. I suppose I believe that the answers are within us already. Primarily, you need to kick start this intuition thing again. To me, as an outsider, it seems as though something happened that has really knocked your confidence. I know about the bullying, you have expressed the sadness that bought on. However, theres something else, or a combination of factors which have occured within a developmental stage that has left you wanting. Regarding the drug use, often a gap can occur because altered states can take the place of normal ups and downs and normal life can seem frightening or dull in comparison. Especially if the drug usage occured in your teens/early twenties.

 

Ross, I dont think that you are giving yourself enough of a chance but I can see how you could really benefit from a normal person with a bit of specialist knowledge lending an ear on a regular basis. Hence my view of contacting a tenancy support worker or something. Google your area and see what comes up. Often they have various low support groups which you could attend in order to give a focus during the week too. I would say that you are right to be cautious but I would like to see you challenging some of the things you fear could happen in small and stringent ways.

 

Please stop waiting for people. 2 months before seeing your Doctor is a long time. Seriously Ross something must have scared the crap out of you for you to keep putting your life on hold as such! Not sure it is a good idea to say whatever it is here. Its too personal methinks. But crap! I think that you need to look at people with a little less regard. A Doctor or therapist is no better than you. We are all stuck at times. Of course value the things which enable you to do better but really you have to develop your own way of being now.

 

In retracing your words, I hear that you have been involved in a group of persons before.. albeit with quite dodgy goings on with the drugs etc.. but none the less you were part of that group. What may be useful is to look at what you did at those times, back in the day, to function within a group. You can do it again because you have done it before. You just have a few adjustments to make now. Moving may have been for the best in some respects but continued drug use on ones own can be a massive catalyst into quite dark thoughts because there is noone to rebound off. However mostly the thoughts are simply an exaggerated response to things.

 

Whats done is done - although any experiences of paranoia should be disclosed to your Doctor.

 

Ross, google the tenancy support thing and have a think about the your scores.. see what comes up.

 

Off to bed to watch 'Mock the Week'.

 

Night Hun.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

 

I think when I had passed my driving test first time my score probably was around 14, but then after a couple of days when I realised it took me about '52' lessons to get there maybe it went near to a 6. I dunno, I'm still not exactly sure what the score thing is ment to mean? Is it how positive I feel about things turning out right for me? Or how able I feel to be able to deal with things in life and not getting myself into a stupid situation like being made homeless or ending up lost and stranded if I were to go to a city?

 

It's many things that happen which knock my confidence, from ending up lost and stranded in town when I was 23, to the stupid embarrassing things that happen to me nearly every time I go out and drive the car. These kinds of things have happened to me all my life.

 

Then there's the fact that my mum has treated me badly, I've been bullied in real life, been treated badly by certain people, and the fact that no girl has ever shown any interest in me which have all probably had a bad effect on my confidence.

 

I think it's all these things in the last two paragraphs that I've written which has made me keep putting my life on hold.

 

My gut instinct is still telling me to see a therapist first before doing the tenancy support thing and applying for a flat.

 

As for a doctor or a therapist being no better than me, I don't think it's true, most people are better than me. When have you ever heard of someone passing their driving test, getting a car, and then having to give up driving a couple of months later? When have you ever heard of an adult who doesn't have any kind of a mental disability getting lost and stranded in their home town? I can't even understand bus time tables, or what you're supposed to do at an airport to fly to another country even if I read the official websites. No other adults seem to have that problem.

[Eve]

I think when I had passed my driving test first time my score probably was around 14, but then after a couple of days when I realised it took me about '52' lessons to get there maybe it went near to a 6. I dunno, I'm still not exactly sure what the score thing is ment to mean? Is it how positive I feel about things turning out right for me? Or how able I feel to be able to deal with things in life and not getting myself into a stupid situation like being made homeless or ending up lost and stranded if I were to go to a city?

 

It's many things that happen which knock my confidence, from ending up lost and stranded in town when I was 23, to the stupid embarrassing things that happen to me nearly every time I go out and drive the car. These kinds of things have happened to me all my life.

 

Then there's the fact that my mum has treated me badly, I've been bullied in real life, been treated badly by certain people, and the fact that no girl has ever shown any interest in me which have all probably had a bad effect on my confidence.

 

I think it's all these things in the last two paragraphs that I've written which has made me keep putting my life on hold.

 

My gut instinct is still telling me to see a therapist first before doing the tenancy support thing and applying for a flat.

 

As for a doctor or a therapist being no better than me, I don't think it's true, most people are better than me. When have you ever heard of someone passing their driving test, getting a car, and then having to give up driving a couple of months later? When have you ever heard of an adult who doesn't have any kind of a mental disability getting lost and stranded in their home town? I can't even understand bus time tables, or what you're supposed to do at an airport to fly to another country even if I read the official websites. No other adults seem to have that problem.

 

Ross, do what you feel is right. I would be careful though of thinking that therapy is the only way forward.

 

But what do I know?

 

Take care,Eve xx

[josie54]

My gut instinct is still telling me to see a therapist first before doing the tenancy support thing and applying for a flat.

 

As for a doctor or a therapist being no better than me, I don't think it's true, most people are better than me. When have you ever heard of someone passing their driving test, getting a car, and then having to give up driving a couple of months later? When have you ever heard of an adult who doesn't have any kind of a mental disability getting lost and stranded in their home town? I can't even understand bus time tables, or what you're supposed to do at an airport to fly to another country even if I read the official websites. No other adults seem to have that problem.

 

Hi Ross,

 

I know that I said I probably would not post again, but I was still interested in your story. You asked whether we had heard of an adult who had these kinds of problems--actually, it just struck me that I have heard of such adults--many of them are diagnosed with social anxiety disorder, social phobia, or agoraphobia. They are panicked (often to the point of having panic attacks) when they are doing things like driving, going to a grocery store, going to an airport, or venturing into other public places. They are paralyzed with fear at the thought of doing such things.

 

People who suffer from social phobias are fearful (often irrationally) of the world around them. They believe something bad will happen around every corner. As a result, they often retreat from the world, until they are staying home most or all of the time.

 

You might visit a site like the following (or do a search of your own to find other sites) to see if anything rings true for you--although they focus on more "social" situations (like public speaking or parties), driving is really a social situation as well:

 

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/social_anxiety_support_symptom_causes_treatment.htm

 

There is even a phobia of driving specifically:

 

phobiasanxiety.suite101.com/article.cfm/overcoming_a_fear_of_driving

 

If you think you may be suffering from a phobia like that, then yes, you probably will need to work on changing your thoughts with a therapist. He or she can help take you through social situations (such as driving or navigating an airport) in a "safe" environment, so that you can work through your panic, better handle and work around your fears, and realize that you really do have control.

 

As to Eve's scale of 0 to 20, I think she's trying to get you to identify what must happen to bring you to a higher score (like a 14) and do more of that. Then identify what has happened to take you to a lower score (like a 6), so that you know what to avoid. I think she wants you to establish a barometer of emotion so that you can pursue those things that take you higher and shun those things that take you lower (such as drugs). (Let me know, Eve, if I've misinterpreted!)

 

I do hope you find what you're looking for and that you don't let your fears take over....all the best.

 

Josie

[Ross PK]

When I'm talking about these things, like how I wouldn't know what to do at an airport for example and would probably end up in a really bad situation that wouldn't happen to any other adult (like getting on the wrong plane and ending up lost and stranded somewhere and not knowing how to deal with it), it's not just an irrational fear and everything will be all right. These things 'do' actually happen to me.

[josie54]

When I'm talking about these things, like how I wouldn't know what to do at an airport for example and would probably end up in a really bad situation that wouldn't happen to any other adult (like getting on the wrong plane and ending up lost and stranded somewhere and not knowing how to deal with it), it's not just an irrational fear and everything will be all right. These things 'do' actually happen to me.

 

See, this is where you're losing us...there are only three reasons for you to get on the wrong plane. Either you are unprepared (you don't know your flight number, destination, or the airport's layout), panicked (you're so focused on bad things happening that you aren't focused on the right information to get to the right place), or willful (you actually WANT bad things to happen to you, for whatever reason--you want people to feel sorry for you, you want to draw attention to yourself, etc.).

 

Airports are very well marked--they are designed for you to be able to follow the signs and get where you need to go. However, they require a certain amount of attention. When you got on the wrong plane, did you:

 

--have your flight information and boarding pass with you and clearly accessible? Did you know your flight number, time of departure, and destination before you left the house and have this information with you at all times at the airport?

 

--did you check the gate number and terminal of your flight before you left the house?

 

--did you make sure you had the right directions to the proper entrance to the terminal?

 

--arrive at the airport early enough to give yourself time to find your gate, and to correct any mixups if they occurred?

 

--when you arrived at the airport and entered, did you immediately look at the departure screen to find your flight number, to make certain you knew the proper gate number? It may have changed, so you must double check this information on arrival.

 

--did you then go to that gate number, making sure that both the letter and number of the gate number matched up? (some airports may have an A11 AND a B11 gate; some have an east terminal AND a west terminal, for instance.) If you could not find that gate number, did you stop and ask an airport employee for help in getting there? Some airports are easier to navigate than others, so when it doubt, you can always ask for help. Someone will take you where you need to go.

 

--Before boarding passengers on any plane, flight attendants announce the flight number and destination of the flight about to board. Did you listen to that information before you got on the plane, to make sure it matched up with the flight you intended to take?

 

Other adults take all these precautions, Ross (at least, they take them if they need them....I have a friend who gets to the airport THREE HOURS early because she wants to make sure she can navigate the airport without pressure). If you got on the wrong plane, Ross, you did not take these steps and precautions that most every other adult takes, either because of inattention (which means you just need more practice), because you WANTED to fail, or because of a mental disorder that needs treatment (perhaps attention deficit or some other thing). If you got on the wrong plane, you did not know either your flight number or the proper gate number before you got on the plane, and you did not check the information that is clearly posted outside the gate. You did not ask the flight attendant before you boarded if you were on the right plane.

 

You seem to be placing the blame for these kinds of errors on some kind of external force, Ross. I can tell you with 100 percent certainty that this isn't the case. If you know that you make these kinds of mistakes, all you have to do is prepare yourself with the right information before you leave the house. You will NEVER get on the wrong plane if you take the steps above, just like you would build your confidence in driving and avoid the kinds of silly accidents you describe if you practiced in a safe area (I can't say you will avoid ALL accidents, because we all have accidents at some time or another).

 

Eve is the "good cop" here Ross.....I am the "bad cop." But I hope I don't seem too harsh. I'm just trying to get you to see that your belief that the world is somehow conspiring against you--and that you have no control over your own life--is just wrong. You have all the control. Unfortunately, right now, you're using it in a very negative way. You're dealing with some kind of mental obsessiveness, inattention, or phobia, and I do agree with you that if you can't stop your negative thoughts by yourself, you'll need the help of a therapist to sort it all out.

[Ross PK]

See, this is where you're losing us...there are only three reasons for you to get on the wrong plane. Either you are unprepared (you don't know your flight number, destination, or other vital information), panicked (you're so focused on bad things happening that you aren't focused on the right information to get to the right place), or willful (you actually WANT bad things to happen to you, for whatever reason--you want people to feel sorry for you, you want to draw attention to yourself, etc.).

 

I really don't want bad things to happen. I'd much rather be able to do these things, I'd love to be able to drive without problems, I'd love to be able to get my own place and live on my own, etc. I'd much rather have these things than to not have them and have people feel sorry for me instead. Not being able to do these things, feeling stuck, feeling like things just can't work out for me is making me very depressed and is making me have thoughts of suicide.

 

You're right though, I think when I panik in these sort of bad situations it can make things worse.

 

Airports are very well marked--they are designed for you to be able to follow the signs and get where you need to go. However, they require a certain amount of attention. When you got on the wrong plane, did you:

 

--have your flight information and boarding pass with you and clearly accessible? Did you know your flight number, time of departure, and destination before you left the house and with you at all times at the airport?

 

--did you check the gate number and terminal of your flight before you left the house?

 

--did you make sure you had the right directions to the proper entrance to the terminal?

 

--when you arrived at the airport and entered, did you immediately look at the departure screen to find your flight number, to make certain you knew the proper gate number? It may have changed, so you must double check this information on arrival.

 

--did you then go to that gate number? If you could not find that gate number, did you stop and ask an airport employee for help in getting there? Some airports are easier to navigate than others, so when it doubt, you can always ask for help.

 

--Before boarding passengers on any plane, flight attendants announce the flight number and destination of the flight about to board. Did you listen to that information before you got on the plane, to make sure it matched up with the flight you intended to take?

 

This is what I'm getting at, I can't understand any of this stuff, and if I were to try and be prepared I wouldn't have thought of any of those things.

 

Did you know that once, on a simple trip from London to Manchester on a coach, that when they stopped inbetween city's to let people off, that I thought it was some sort of a 'break' where people go get a coffe and go the toilet? I was dying to go to the toilet and very nearly got off the coach! Imagine the situation that I would've been in then? The coach would've left and I'd be lost and stranded 100's of miles from home, with no money, I wouldn't even know what direction to take to walk back. These kinds of things just don't happen to anyone else. The only thing that stopped me from getting off the coach was because I felt to anxious so I just stayed there, and it's a good job I did!

 

If that's how it was with a simple coach trip, how do you think I could manage with getting a plane to a different country. It's as though I suffer from dementia when it comes to this sort of stuff.

 

If you got on the wrong plane, Ross, you did not take these steps and precautions that most every other adult takes--either because of inattention, because you WANTED to fail, or because of a mental disorder that needs treatment (perhaps attention deficit or some other thing). If you got on the wrong plane, you did not know either your flight number or the proper gate number before you got on the plane, and you did not check the information that is clearly posted outside the gate. If you were at all unsure, you could ask the flight attendant before you boarded if you were on the right plane, which you also did not do.

 

You seem to be placing the blame for these kinds of errors on some kind of external force, Ross. I can tell you with 100 percent certainty that this isn't the case. If you know that you make these kinds of mistakes, all you have to do is prepare yourself with the right information before you leave the house. You will NEVER get on the wrong plane if you take the steps above, just like you would build your confidence in driving and avoid silly accidents if you practiced in a safe area (I can't say you will avoid all accidents, because we all have accidents at some time or another).

 

It has always felt like some sort of an external force, but for the first time a couple of nights ago, I actually thought maybe I do actually have some sort of mental disability which causes all these things, and it's nothing external at all?

 

Eve is the "good cop" here Ross.....I am the "bad cop." But I hope I don't seem too harsh. I'm just trying to get you to see that your belief that the world is somehow conspiring against you--and that you have no control over your own life--is just wrong. You have all the control. Unfortunately, right now, you're using it in a very negative way. You're dealing with some kind of mental obsessiveness, inattention, or phobia, and I do agree with you that if you can't stop your negative thoughts by yourself, you'll need the help of a therapist to sort it all out.

 

No, you're not too harsh. I want people to be truthful, just as long as they're not rude.

[josie54]

This is what I'm getting at, I can't understand any of this stuff, and if I were to try and be prepared I wouldn't have thought of any of those things.

 

But could you print out the directions I wrote above and follow those? Could you tape them to your luggage so you could always follow them? These are life skills that we all learned as children and teenagers, Ross. We had an adult or someone else walk us through them, and we learned as we went. For some reason, you didn't have that. If not, then you need to do that now.

 

A friend could help, but you could also enlist the help of strangers--and airport employee, a driving instructor. You could try smaller navigation tasks, like taking a bus route to somewhere unfamiliar, so you could practice your skills.

 

Did you know that once, on a simple trip from London to Manchester on a coach, that when they stopped inbetween city's to let people off, that I thought it was some sort of a 'break' where people go get a coffe and go the toilet? I was dying to go to the toilet and very nearly got off the coach! Imagine the situation that I would've been in then? The coach would've left and I'd be lost and stranded 100's of miles from home, with no money, I wouldn't even know what direction to take to walk back. These kinds of things just don't happen to anyone else. The only thing that stopped me from getting off the coach was because I felt to anxious so I just stayed there, and it's a good job I did!

 

Here, you can avoid this scenario very simply. ASK someone. Most adults would simply ask a neighbor or the bus driver to be sure: "Is this a break, or is this just a quick drop off?" The neighbor/driver would have told you, "This is a drop-off, you'd better stay onboard." Done.

 

Do you think you are able to ask someone for help? (I know you know HOW--if you say you don't, I won't believe you!). If you are unable to ask for help, this comes back to the idea of a social disorder or phobia of some kind.

 

 

It has always felt like some sort of an external force, but for the first time a couple of nights ago, I actually thought maybe I do actually have some sort of mental disability which causes all these things, and it's nothing external at all?

 

I think you're on to something here! If you can recognize that this is an internal problem, not an external one, you can take steps to fix it.

 

Just learn to ASK for help--your first step is to ask for the help of a therapist. Until you can see a therapist, you can take action yourself, by doing the research and learning HOW to navigate the airport, drive, etc. You do that by ASKING FOR HELP. Perhaps there is a driving school in your area (they don't care if you hit the cones!). You could begin to do research at your library or online about certain things. The Internet has a wealth of instructions about learning to do whatever you want to do (well, besides drive...you'll need a real person to help you through that one!) You could take a practice bus trip to ANYWHERE, and force yourself to ask questions when you're unsure of something. (again, if you're unable to do this, we're talking a disorder that needs therapeutic help).

 

INot being able to do these things, feeling stuck, feeling like things just can't work out for me is making me very depressed and is making me have thoughts of suicide.

 

I'm so sorry you feel so stuck, Ross. But you know that suicide is not the answer--it's an incomplete and tragic response to a fixable situation (remember your mum!). The depression is the sign that you do need help, and that your mental mindset is interfering with your day-to-day life. Rather than take negative action, take POSITIVE action. Seeking out a therapist is a great step. Doing your own research and taking baby steps on your own, to be able to figure out why you can't ask for help or look up directions is another.

 

About 8 years ago, I found myself in just the situation you fear the most. I was in New York City for a business conference. I had to leave the conference to meet someone in the afternoon--all I had was the address. I didn't know anything else about how to get there. I jumped in a cab, gave the cabbie the address, and he took me there, no problem. After I met my contact and we finished at 5:00, she asked me, "How are you going to get back?" When I told her I would just take a cab back, she laughed and said, "It's 5:00...rush hour. You might as well fly to the moon as get a cab this time of day."

 

She told me I would have to take the subway, and gave me directions. "You can't miss it," she said. Well, I walked and walked and MISSED it. I stopped in a store to get warm (it was late winter and I'd left the conference without my coat or cell phone, like an idiot). I asked THEM where the subway was. They said, "Oh it's just blah-blah-blah. You can't miss it!"

 

Well, again I couldn't find it. I was crying and cold and didn't know what to do. And of course there were no cabs in sight.

 

After I walked about ten blocks or so, I saw cab parked on the side of the road. His light was off. The cabbie was inside eating a sandwich. I knocked on the window, and he rolled it down, looking somewhat irritated. I burst into tears and told him my whole story, and begged, "I'm lost, I can't get back! Can you please take me back? I can wait until you're done."

 

He just nodded to the back and said, "Get in the cab."

 

To make matters worse, I only had $11 on me! I thought the cab ride would be very cheap, and it was to get TO my destination. But now it was rush hour, and would take forever. I told him I only had $11, but that I could get more money at the hotel if he could wait a bit. He said, "Don't worry about it."

 

He was a wonderful Pakistani gentleman, and we talked all the way there. He took me to my hotel, in the middle of rush hour, during his break, with the meter turned off. I gave him my $11 and thanked him profusely. Again, he just said, "Don't worry about it" and drove off.

 

I will remember that man FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

 

My point here is this: Whenever you get in trouble, there are people around you who can help. You just need to ask for help. In most cases, your situation won't be nearly as desperate as mine in NYC. You just need to know if you have the right gate, if you're on the right bus, if you're at the right stop, etc. Just ASK someone and they'll tell you. If they don't know, you just ask someone else. That's how we all get through life.

 

 

Good luck, Ross.

 

Josie

[Ross PK]

But could you print out the directions I wrote above and follow those? Could you tape them to your luggage so you could always follow them? These are life skills that we all learned as children and teenagers, Ross. We had an adult or someone else walk us through them, and we learned as we went. For some reason, you didn't have that. If not, then you need to do that now.

 

You're right, I've never really had anyone walk me through that kind of stuff.

 

A friend could help, but you could also enlist the help of strangers--and airport employee, a driving instructor. You could try smaller navigation tasks, like taking a bus route to somewhere unfamiliar, so you could practice your skills.

 

I'm not sure if a driving instructor can help, as even with the basics that I've learned already I'm still really making big, strange mistakes that I shouldn't be doing.

 

Here, you can avoid this scenario very simply. ASK someone. Most adults would simply ask a neighbor or the bus driver to be sure: "Is this a break, or is this just a quick drop off?" The neighbor/driver would have told you, "This is a drop-off, you'd better stay onboard." Done.

 

Do you think you are able to ask someone for help? (I know you know HOW--if you say you don't, I won't believe you!). If you are unable to ask for help, this comes back to the idea of a social disorder or phobia of some kind.

 

The thought never occured to me though, to ask the coach driver first before decidining to get off or not.

 

I can find it a bit hard to ask for help, but asking someone for help isn't always going to stop these kinds of situations from happening. It's not like my problem is just with airports, coaches and driving, it's with a lot of things in general, and asking someone for help couldn't have stopped my bad experiences when driving because I didn't even know they were going to happen (I knew something bad would probably happen, but I didn't know what). That's a big part of the reason why I just sit at home and haven't done anything with my life, apart from learning to drive and buying a car recently.

 

I think you're on to something here! If you can recognize that this is an internal problem, not an external one, you can take steps to fix it.

 

Wish I knew what was wrong with me, that's if there is. I don't even know how to begin to try and put this across to the doctor, you know so I can be checked out to see if there is anything wrong with me.

 

About 8 years ago, I found myself in just the situation you fear the most. I was in New York City for a business conference. I had to leave the conference to meet someone in the afternoon--all I had was the address. I didn't know anything else about how to get there. I jumped in a cab, gave the cabbie the address, and he took me there, no problem. After I met my contact and we finished at 5:00, she asked me, "How are you going to get back?" When I told her I would just take a cab back, she laughed and said, "It's 5:00...rush hour. You might as well fly to the moon as get a cab this time of day."

 

She told me I would have to take the subway, and gave me directions. "You can't miss it," she said. Well, I walked and walked and MISSED it. I stopped in a store to get warm (it was late winter and I'd left the conference without my coat or cell phone, like an idiot). I asked THEM where the subway was. They said, "Oh it's just blah-blah-blah. You can't miss it!"

 

Well, again I couldn't find it. I was crying and cold and didn't know what to do. And of course there were no cabs in sight.

 

After I walked about ten blocks or so, I saw cab parked on the side of the road. His light was off. The cabbie was inside eating a sandwich. I knocked on the window, and he rolled it down, looking somewhat irritated. I burst into tears and told him my whole story, and begged, "I'm lost, I can't get back! Can you please take me back? I can wait until you're done."

 

He just nodded to the back and said, "Get in the cab."

 

To make matters worse, I only had $11 on me! I thought the cab ride would be very cheap, and it was to get TO my destination. But now it was rush hour, and would take forever. I told him I only had $11, but that I could get more money at the hotel if he could wait a bit. He said, "Don't worry about it."

 

He was a wonderful Pakistani gentleman, and we talked all the way there. He took me to my hotel, in the middle of rush hour, during his break, with the meter turned off. I gave him my $11 and thanked him profusely. Again, he just said, "Don't worry about it" and drove off.

 

I will remember that man FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

 

My point here is this: Whenever you get in trouble, there are people around you who can help. You just need to ask for help. In most cases, your situation won't be nearly as desperate as mine in NYC. You just need to know if you have the right gate, if you're on the right bus, if you're at the right stop, etc. Just ASK someone and they'll tell you. If they don't know, you just ask someone else. That's how we all get through life.

 

 

Good luck, Ross.

 

Josie

 

I'll tell you about what happened to me, on one of the occasions I got lost in my home town.

 

I was out drinking with a friend, and then he wated to get something at a college, I had to wait outside for him, with loads of students walking about, I felt really self concious and uncomfortable, so for some reason, I just left his rucksack and his paints that I were minding and just left quickly to get out of the situation.

 

I then realised that I had no way of getting home, I had no money, and I didn't even know the direction to walk in to even walk home. I was lost and stranded.

 

I rang the police to try and help me to get home, they were no help at all, the woman police officer said in not a nice tone 'You're 23 aren't you?'

 

I was paniking and didn't know what to do, I started ringing up all these other places but none of them could help (see I 'was' asking for help). None of the taxi drivers would take me home because I didn't have any money up front. I even said they could keep my jewelry if I didn't pay them once we got to my house, but they still refused. The last taxi driver however did offer to take me home.

 

This was 10 years ago, and I still get scared at the thought of what would've happened if the last taxi driver didn't offer to take me home, or if I didn't have any jewelry. I know it sounds stupid but I'd probably still be sleeping rough on the streets to this day, because I cannot think of any other single thing I could've done to get home, I don't even think there was any other way of getting home, apart from mugging someone for money to get a taxi, which after all this time I've only just thought of now, still, I would never have enough guts to do something like that.