Revenge is a dish best served cold!!!!!!!

[jasminetea]

I understand your reasoning, but surely you realise that condeming her so readily as 'evil' is unlikely to endear her to you and thus the message is lost. It would seem from the tone of these posts that 'help' is the last thing people are trying to do.

[fishtaco]

Motive is right, we've all had a desire for revenge at some point or another, so who are we to judge so harshly? I doubt there's many people who would have the self-belief to take the higher road when faced with pain and the opportunity to hurt the person who's hurt us.

 

Lastly it'd seem that Dollie actually did this girl a favour in getting her to dump the ex, why is no one else seeing that?

 

So... revenge is okay as long as it helps someone?

[Dollie]

I know it is not healthy and I am going to delete my fake facebook. I will tell the girl that I am going abroad to work and wish her luck

 

Thank you Jas for sort of understanding

 

You could have knocked me down with a feather when he did that to me. I loved him and treated him well and he humiliated me. I have never been cheated on before and this knocked me down hard.

 

Yes, what I did was unhealthy for ME but not evil. I am not going to damage the girl at all she is innocent in this and does not even know about me by all accounts. I am not even going to tell him what she said about him, that would make me feel good for about a second. I did this to get answers and not just summize like I was doing.

 

I feel good to know he is being used and me knowing it is enough for me. I can now move on in the grand knowledge that all I have lost is a lying cheat whereas before I was glamorizing him and feeling like I had lost the best man in the world!

 

I will leave him to live his life and hopefully I have saved that girl the heartache he caused me.

[jasminetea]

So... revenge is okay as long as it helps someone?

 

Oh for goodness sake! Nothing is completely black and white and being so bloody righteous doesn't do anyone any good. Dollie may have wanted congratulations, which obviously wouldn't be appropriate or helpful, but being so horrified doesn't do any message justice.

[ruggy]

I understand your reasoning, but surely you realise that condeming her so readily as 'evil' is unlikely to endear her to you and thus the message is lost. It would seem from the tone of these posts that 'help' is the last thing people are trying to do.

 

Sorry Jas, it is an 'evil' thing to do to someone. I would never consider doing something like that to my ex. People who attempt to get over things and move forward do not stoup to a level like this. Not healthy for anyone. Either is the self-loathing. It is hard to move on, trust me, I know. But something like this is not the way to move forward.

[Taramere]

I feel sorry for Dollie getting such a lambasting. I wouldn't mind betting that those people who've torn into her are those for whom the story is a little too close to home.

 

I was also pretty surprised by the force of some of the responses, as it doesn't seem that big a deal to me. Some guy did the dirty on her, she decided to scupper another of his relationships to get even. So what? The worst thing about it is probably the effort she put into this venture.

 

That said, I'd be interested to hear more about it. Dollie, what reason did you give for sending a friend request to this girl? Didn't she find it odd that a complete stranger would forge this friendship with her online?

[fishtaco]

Oh for goodness sake! Nothing is completely black and white and being so bloody righteous doesn't do anyone any good. Dollie may have wanted congratulations, which obviously wouldn't be appropriate or helpful, but being so horrified doesn't do any message justice.

 

But that doesn't make what Dollie did "right".

 

Maybe some people are being overly descriptive and vocal of their disapproval. Maybe that's what you call "bloody righteous". But even you have to admit what Dollie did was wrong and unnecessary, and I hope you would not recommend this sort of behavior to anyone. There's no black and white about that - this was the wrong thing to do.

 

Although I wouldn't call Dollie evil. Evil would be poisoning his dog. But I don't think Dollie could be considered a good samaritan for "saving" the new girl from her ex.

[fishtaco]

The worst thing about it is probably the effort she put into this venture.

 

Yes, exactly.

 

This is the difference between angry remarks for a person that cut you off on the freeway but you keep on driving vs. chasing him until he gets off the freeway so you can yell at him.

 

This is the difference between looking at your ex's pictures in the middle of the night because you miss her vs. driving 20 miles to look in her window.

 

The effort.

 

Not much damage is done, but damn, that's creepy.

[Dollie]

It may be creepy, but it has helped me! The time I put into it was time that I was spending sitting on the sofa crying my eyes out.

 

I befriended her by saying i went to school with her. She is a nice girl and I would not hurt her. I did not do this to hurt her, believe it or not!

 

I am not evil and I know it was not morally right but it is different horses for different courses and it helped me.

[Chat]

Sorry guys but Im with Dollie on this too - although my approach would of been to tell the other woman about who I was and follow it up with proof. It would of been more honest - with the same result.

 

Dollie - if it helped you so be it - everyone in this world does everything for their own ego reasons - and your ego needed him to feel some of what you were feeling....I understand that - and yes maybe morality would stop others - that doesnt make you evil, just willing to aid karma along a little bit.

 

I agree that revenge is not a healthy approach but sometimes the bill fits depending on the individual.

 

And to all of those who slammed Dollie down, calling her evil and mentally unstable - way to go on the approach.

[Dollie]

Thank you Chat!

 

The funny thing is that he is still texting me! I ignore him as I would not want a thing to do with him but it is funny how I know the whole story and he is trying to be my friend

 

Had I not known what I do I may have spoken to him and listened to the lies

[neowulf]

Sorry guys but Im with Dollie on this too - although my approach would of been to tell the other woman about who I was and follow it up with proof. It would of been more honest - with the same result.

 

Dollie - if it helped you so be it - everyone in this world does everything for their own ego reasons - and your ego needed him to feel some of what you were feeling....I understand that - and yes maybe morality would stop others - that doesnt make you evil, just willing to aid karma along a little bit.

 

I agree that revenge is not a healthy approach but sometimes the bill fits depending on the individual.

 

And to all of those who slammed Dollie down, calling her evil and mentally unstable - way to go on the approach.

 

So... harmless then huh?

 

Oh, until the new girl who trusted Dollie with her "secrets" happens to find out, becomes humiliated and kills herself?

 

Or the ex-boyfriend finds out, tracks down Dollie and beats her to within an inch of her life?

 

Or the the new ex decides she's going to get even with Dollie and decides to mind **** her right back?

 

See where I'm going with this?

 

The above are obviously extreme examples, but they can and *do* occur. You shouldn't play games with people. It's dangerous to assume you're the only one willing to go to any length to "get even".

 

My advice Dollie, would be to try and learn of better ways of processing the pain you're going through. Getting revenge may seem perfectly fair on the surface, but it's a dark dark road that ultimately leads you no where.

[Dollie]

Neo, none of those things will happen as she will not find out

 

He just called me! I am in shock

 

He had some bs reason so I told him not to call me again

 

Unbelievable!

[Chat]

So... harmless then huh?

 

I never said it was harmless

 

Oh, until the new girl who trusted Dollie with her "secrets" happens to find out, becomes humiliated and kills herself?

 

If she kills herself then she clearly has other issues - no rational person kills themselves over such things

 

Or the ex-boyfriend finds out, tracks down Dollie and beats her to within an inch of her life?

 

Then he would clearly already be a violent person

 

Or the the new ex decides she's going to get even with Dollie and decides to mind **** her right back?

 

Thats the risk taken when you play with fire

 

See where I'm going with this?

 

 

The above are obviously extreme examples, but they can and *do* occur. You shouldn't play games with people. It's dangerous to assume you're the only one willing to go to any length to "get even".

 

I never said what she did was right/wrong - it worked for her - Dollie would be aware of the risks involved and Im sorry - but those things can happen in relationships - its the same risk when you attach yourself to someone - Sometimes I think if retribution was something more people did then a**holes like this guy would be less inclined to f*ck around in the first place - why are you all giving dollie such a hard time - the a**hole got what he deserved this and I dont think there is such a thing as even - for me - I would of told her right out -who I was and the fact that I was the OW - Dollie chose an approach less honest but it worked for her

 

My advice Dollie, would be to try and learn of better ways of processing the pain you're going through. Getting revenge may seem perfectly fair on the surface, but it's a dark dark road that ultimately leads you no where.

 

Dollie - do you accept the forementioned risks - that if he finds out or she does there could be consequences?

[ruggy]

To each their own Chat, but I still do not agree in how it was handled. Has nothing to do with morals. It has to do with one's self-respect. I do not know know many people who would react like that. If we all did that would we all as a people be better or worse?

[Chat]

Ruggy - I see your point - honestly - which is why I did nothing when my husband had an affair and left me for a girl who was our friend. No retribution - no revenge - I accepted it and looked out for me - well I yelled at him too

 

But I of course think if his first wife exacted revenge on him for him leaving her maybe he wouldnt of been willing to do the same to me - the mind wonders

 

And sure - we as a human race probably wouldnt be better off - but sometimes we need/even like to see revenge - examples - movies - the first wives club...

[Prophet]

It's part of the human condition to desire what we think is justice. It's our nature to make comparissons, and in the instance of inequality or imbalance, to see them corrected. And although we rarely consider the ultimate consequences of our actions, this isn't the reason we should temper a desire for vengence. The thing we ought to consider is the overall efforts and resources necessary in order to exact revenge and weigh them against the things we might achieve for our own betterment by redirecting them to our own purposes. Even the efforts required for a slight revenge are better spent with concerns of our own.

 

This might seem like a longwinded way of saying "Living well is the best revenge", and to a degree that's true, but beware the 'Well-lived' life spent due to the pursuit of revenge. Revenge should never be the motivation for success.

 

"There's not a lot of money in revenge" - Inigo Montoya

 

Even the time and mental effort needed to consider some appropriate way of making a person aware of how they made you feel are resources better spent on meeting new prospective people who will appreciate and reciprocate your interest.

 

 

More often than not a desire for revenge is brought about by rejection. It hurts to be rejected, even in the most courteous and tactful circumstances. This can be from enacting something petty and annoying to the actual murder of the rejecting person. This is the "how can I get back at him/her" response, and while it may seem satisfying to 'teach him/her a lesson' trust that this lesson will never be taught by revenge, no matter how justified or deserving the person may be.

 

What is lost in the storm of emotions a rejected person feels about it is indifference speaks volumes. The very consideration of revenge is a waste of your time, a waste of your effort, that would be better spent learning and bettering yourself from that rejection.

 

In facing rejection, at some stage, you have no choice but to accept it. How you'll do so is a matter of your character.

[JohnnyBlaze]

Morally, I can't say that I condone what happened. No, not because your ex got screwed over. From the sounds of it, he had it coming. He can spend the rest of his life in a mental hospital muttering to a sock puppet named "Mr. Biggles" for all I care. But an innocent got caught in the crossfire. The new girl didn't do anything to wrong you (assuming that she didn't know he was seeing both of you at the same time). And now, if she does find out (and there's always a chance; there's no such thing as the perfect crime), she has a valid reason to come after you. Of course, if she did know, she should just be happy that you didn't aim more of your revenge at her.

 

Tactically, good work. You found a chink in the armour and you managed to successfully exploit it. It sounds like it was very well planned, well executed, and as long as your follow-up is good, you might just get away clean with this. Of course, there's always a chance you'll be caught, but that comes with the territory.

 

Now, for the caveat. From the voice of experience (not due to the same cause, mind you, but that's irrelevant), I'll pass along two sayings that I've heard over the years that always seem to apply in an L7 situation.

 

• "Four words: watch your back, Jack" - James Earl Jones
  
• "Violence is not the answer. However, if necessary, beat your opponent so badly that you need not fear retribution." - source unknown.
  

The point is, if either of them find out you're the source of their new-found woes, they may come at you with everything they have; retaliation is rarely to scale. Overwhelming an opponent up front cuts down on the chance of a prolonged war.

 

So, as long as you're okay looking over your shoulder for a little while, well done. Just don't make a habit of it. It's not healthy in the long run to have too many people looking for you.

 

"There's not a lot of money in revenge"

Of course, this the same guy who spent most of the movie saying "Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." Revenge ain't always business.

[Chinook]

Wait just a minute here... lay off of Dolly.

 

All she did was cause hurt to the GUY. As someone already said, he had it coming. Maybe he will treat women with a bit more respect. Doubtful, but you never know what a guy could learn from a bruised ego.

 

The new gal was already off screwing around - so I doubt very much that she gives a crap either way. She may care that she was hood-winked into being a 'friend' but other than that, I doubt she'd give a crap one way or the other.

 

As for Dolly - yea, processing your hurt in more constructive meaningful ways is more appropriate. Probably hasn't made you feel that great in the long run. Afterall, before you knew what happened with this guy, you really cared about him. Try telling me you can turn that on and off... which makes you vulnerable to his calling and texting now. Watch out! Because my spidey senses tell me he's gonna come running back.

[Trialbyfire]

The other girl isn't an innocent. She deliberately used Dollie's ex.

 

I'm not going to crap on you Dollie. Guaranteed, every single person who's been cheated on, has experienced revenge fantasies. Some, put it into play, like you, myself and Motive. Others just stew in their rage and pain and never move on or never heal.

 

Your ex is the lowest of lows, since he cheated on you for a prolonged period of time. And what for? A two year relationship? Talk about a psychotically selfish man.

 

I do agree that it's time to move on. Allowing someone else the ability to negatively influence your life isn't a way to heal. Time to step up your game by getting the best revenge of all, indifference.

[manugeorge]

For the people that are lecturing Dollie, knock it off, eesh. What she did wasn't revenge. Revenge is slashing his tires or throwing a brick through his windows.

 

The girl got hurt, in the worst possible way. If you've never been cheated on like that, you have no idea how that "beast" messes with your head. No one is rational and calm when it happens. It's a rollercoaster of emotions, one day you are angry, the next you are sad, the next you are crying, the next you are completely fine. Ask those who've been there.

 

What I would have suggested you should have done though is just completely open up the can of worms. There is nothing to be sneaky about, there is nothing to hide. Let the girl know that your ex cheated on you WITH HER and let the ex know that you told the new girlfriend.

 

It's not payback or vindication if your ex has no idea what is going on. When I got cheated on the way you did. I let him know he hurt me in a deep way and I let all the other women he screwed around with know too because NONE of them had any idea that he had a girlfriend, much less that he was screwing other women. It was at least 10 of them that he messed around with during our 3years together, many of the side relationships overlapping. He was copied on the emails I sent around to these women so he knew EXACTLY what was going on. I didn't try to befriend any of them. I just stated the facts as an FYI and we all compared notes. After that, everyone went on their own merry way.

 

Did it make me feel better? NO of course not. But I don't regret for once that I exposed him for the cheating bastard that he is.

[Surfer Dude]

The amount of heavy handed women (and men) here who condone this kind of behavior astounds me.

 

You think you're the only ones who got hurt? Do you think being hurt justifies inflicting even more pain and trouble on someone? We all got extremely hurt at some point in our lives, and yet majority of us didn't do anything. I could've posted XXX videos and pics of my ex to all her facebook friends, after she cheated on me and dumped me. Did I do that? Of course not, I'd rather die.

 

I used pain as a catalyst to better myself, to do self work and become overall a better and happier person. I started loving myself more, I started loving women more and overall enjoying life more than ever.

 

If people cared more about their own well being than paying others back, everyone would be much happier. Why should I care about revenge? Why would I want to do anything to my ex? Revenge is a direct product of anger, and anger is a product of fear (hurt ego). Acting on such primitive and silly emotions surely can not be a good thing.

 

Eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind.

Whoever disagrees can't be very high on evolutionary ladder.

[kashmir]

The amount of heavy handed women (and men) here who condone this kind of behavior astounds me.

 

You think you're the only ones who got hurt? Do you think being hurt justifies inflicting even more pain and trouble on someone? We all got extremely hurt at some point in our lives, and yet majority of us didn't do anything. I could've posted XXX videos and pics of my ex to all her facebook friends, after she cheated on me and dumped me. Did I do that? Of course not, I'd rather die.

 

I used pain as a catalyst to better myself, to do self work and become overall a better and happier person. I started loving myself more, I started loving women more and overall enjoying life more than ever.

 

If people cared more about their own well being than paying others back, everyone would be much happier. Why should I care about revenge? Why would I want to do anything to my ex? Revenge is a direct product of anger, and anger is a product of fear (hurt ego). Acting on such primitive and silly emotions surely can not be a good thing.

 

Eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind.

Whoever disagrees can't be very high on evolutionary ladder.

 

Revenge is a drug. It makes you feel great for a short time, but in the long run it will destroy you.

[Trialbyfire]

There are different levels of revenge. Posting x-rated pics of exes or putting sugar in the gas tank, are juvenile acts of revenge.

 

Having said that, exactly what did Dollie do, that wasn't already going to happen? She just sped up the process and through it, got some honest answers.

 

If Dollie had punched him, attacked the other woman, slashed tires or even revenge cheated, my response would have been different.

[blondesmiler]

I felt humiliated and betrayed and conned. I would never think in a million years he would have done that to me, never!

 

Now I know and I can move on with a smile on my face, knowing all I have lost is a piece of crap and if I had not done what I did I would still be glamorizing him and missing him. I have never felt such gut wrenching pain in my life, I could not function.

 

I am not going to tell him what I did or show him the PM's, he will find out the hard way and will realize what he has lost all on his own.

 

I know you all think I am crazy and I don't blame you but I don't regret what I did, I regret staying with the lying, cheating piece of crap for so long and feel sorry for his next chump!

 

Most of us dumpees have felt exactly the same, but now you have given yourself the label of "the nutter ex" and so do you think he will be sorry that he isn't with you, the nutter ex? Or do you think that if you had got a great life, was full of life and beans, happy, looking fabulous then he would be sorry he wasn't with you?? Now your just a nutter in his eyes maybe not right now but when he finds out, and he will, am sure of that.

 

If you felt sorry for the next chump then why did you play your hand in the fate of the downfall of this one?