Why don't men want to get married?

[subdued]

A fear of marriage is very healthy. I think men should be scared of marriage. I am. There's worse things than being alone such as financial hardship from divorce court while someone else raises your kids.

 

Men have no rights in marriage or in divorce. It is what it is. If I stay single then all I have to deal with is loneliness. That's ok. I'll still have lots of money in the bank to retire with.

 

I don't know why many people think fear is always a sign of weakness. It is not. Fear is a protective emotion that often times keeps me from making stupid mistakes.

 

And yet you don't fear loneliness.

[subdued]

CAn someone please shed some light on this? It seems men and women's views on marriage can be so different? I have been withmy b/f for 2 years now, he is 42 I am 33. When we first met, it was quite clear he was anti marriage, but as our relationship has developed he has said a few things that have offered a glimmer of hope to me, i.e. the next time you will meet my parents again will be at your wedding, or, do you like diamonds, or, if I ever was going to get married it would be with you...is it wrong for me to have thought he was warming up to the marriage idea?

 

We met some friends we had not seen for a few months and the first thing they said, are you married yet? This led to THE conversation, which resulted in him saying, I am sure there are many men out there that would marry you but I am not one of them. I am stunned.

 

He is having mixed feelings. He could:

 

Want to live with you forever.

Be terrified of marriage and of your divorcing him later.

[sally4sara]

It's not 'fashionable' as you put it. Men gain nothing and stand to lose a lot. There's a reason men avoid marriage...

 

Not in my experience. In my experience, the more I didn't want to get married, the more the guy DID want to.

Also not in most of the situations I've seen either. I am starting to suspect this theory is becoming more Urban Legend than an actuality. Too often I also suspect some men to be incapable of owning up to their part of a marriage falling apart.

I know way more women who ended up taking damage by being married than the other way around. I know I did. And I use to have mostly male friends so it isn't as though I only know the female's side of the story to create a bias in me.

 

You know, its nice and totally possible for both people to benefit. It does require both to surrender to an existence more noble than one person's pursuit of whatever their next whim might be. This can't happen between selfish people who live in a constant state of concern for what someone else might take from them. Those people never know peace whether they stay single OR get married. And none of it is gender specific. BOTH people have to let their guard down and care more about each other than themselves.

Show me a guy who feels the way some of the male posters in this thread feel about marriage and women - and I'll show you a guy who will find only what he expects to find.

[subdued]

For me, whether or not the guy wants to get married depends on the guy.

 

My ex husband proposed to me three weeks after we met.

 

My current boyfriend is scared to death to get married. He is 49 and has never been married. I'm his first live-in girlfriend; so I think there is still hope.

 

I really hate being single. I am constantly reminded that my boyfriend and I are not married. His mother introduces me as his "friend." When we took a trip to visit relatives last summer, all the relatives got together and had their picture taken together. Not only was I left out, but one of the relatives asked me to take photos with his camera It is obvious that I won't be considered family until we are married.

[Shygirl15]

It is said that guys in their 50s/60s are more likely to marry than their 40s counterparts.

 

20s/30s yr olds are also more likely to marry than 40s.

[subdued]

Is that because guys in their 50s/60s are starting to get scared of getting old alone?

[Darkrunner]

Is that because guys in their 50s/60s are starting to get scared of getting old alone?

 

The destination of us all is the same- six feet under. It doesn't really matter how you get there. After breaking up with an ex in my mid-twenties, I really don't mind the idea of growing old alone. And I can say I don't understand the 'fear' of it..

[carhill]

Well, at 50, I have no more fear of being alone than at 20, and have been alone (unmarried) for about 20 of those 30 interceding years. I might have mentioned it earlier in the thread, and I think my contemporaries might agree, that getting married (again) or being married at our age is more about sharing oneself than about needing a companion. I want a companion whom I can share with; the process makes me feel more alive, especially with someone whom I connect with. Of course, one doesn't need to be married to do that, but my experience has been that women of my age group like the security of being married, regardless of how independently they might live otherwise. If they're going to give of themselves, in all aspects of themselves, they seem to value the expression of the legal commitment by their partner. I can respect that.

 

I can say that after losing a substantial amount of my net worth as well as a goodly portion of my soul to a failed marriage My only real fear (about getting married again) is not learning from my own failures, dooming myself to repeat them. So, we'll see....

[subdued]

Yes. It is important for me to get married. Boyfriend-girlfriend relationships are considered more fragile. Such a relationship is one in which two people are deciding whether or not they are compatible. They still haven't made the decision as to whether or not they want to live with this person forever and whether or not they want to make a commitment to do so. Making a commitment is a risk--both monetarily and mentally. But there can also be substantial rewards to taking risks.

 

When two people get married, they are saying that they intend to live with the other person forever and are committed to making the relationship work. As a result, the couple, friends, and family will treat the relationship differently depending on whether or not the couple is married.

 

My boyfriend also lost a substantial amount of his income as well as a goodly portion of his soul to a previous relationship, and he wasn't even married. One of his ex-girlfriend's time clock was ticking and decided to have a baby without telling him. He thought she was using birth control. She wasn't. They hadn't been dating for long, and he was trying to break up with her when she got pregnant.

[JayJ]

Because it is extremely difficult to maintain a high level of sexual desire for the same woman over many years.

[subdued]

Hmm... My boyfriend doesn't have nearly as high a sexual drive as me, but he still has a very strong sexual drive for me. And we've been together for almost four years. We still don't even sleep in the same bed on Sunday nights. He says he needs to get a good night's sleep to start the week, and he finds me too "distracting."

[Woggle]

Because it is extremely difficult to maintain a high level of sexual desire for the same woman over many years.

 

This has nothing to with it. With the way women act these days it is just too much of a risk and men tend to see things with a risk/benefit point of view. Most of us don't like playing russian roulette with out lives. In theory we would love to have a happy marriage with a loving woman but how often does that happen these days?

[dobler33]

This has nothing to with it. With the way women act these days it is just too much of a risk and men tend to see things with a risk/benefit point of view. Most of us don't like playing russian roulette with out lives. In theory we would love to have a happy marriage with a loving woman but how often does that happen these days?

 

in theory we would love to see a happy marriage with a loving man but how often does that happen these days?

 

oh, woggie woggie. you can't hide from me.

[Darkrunner]

This has nothing to with it. With the way women act these days it is just too much of a risk and men tend to see things with a risk/benefit point of view. Most of us don't like playing russian roulette with out lives. In theory we would love to have a happy marriage with a loving woman but how often does that happen these days?

 

I agree. It's certainly a noble concept, that a marriage could be a permanent union, sure. The reality, however, is far different.

 

Ask any man on his wedding day if he worries about divorce, and the financial ramifications. Of course not! He worries about nothing! Everything is gonna be jolly. We'll be together forever! One man, one woman, joined. Divorce is impossible! Until it does happen.

 

You may think me a pessimist, but I think I am a realist. And, by the way, divorce works both ways, don't get me wrong. But men more times than not make out FAR worse in the legal system as a result. He'll be lucky to afford a modest apartment..if he isn't already relegated to living in his parent's basement.

 

So, in principle, I agree that a lifetime union between a man and woman is a noble concept. However, given the 40-50% chance of it failing, I would like to keep what I've worked for. I'm not a millionaire, far from it. But I've put in 70 hour weeks, saved a lot of money, and bought some nice things to come home to after busting my ass at work. I am not going to risk having the state of michigan arbitrarily splitting my **** up and handing it over in the event of a divorce.

[subdued]

There are pre-nups.

[Woggle]

There are pre-nups.

 

That and marry a woman with her own career plus keep your finances seperate. If you have yours and she has hers it is much easier for a man to make it out in one piece.

[OpenBook]

That and marry a woman with her own career plus keep your finances seperate. If you have yours and she has hers it is much easier for a man to make it out in one piece.

 

If you keep your finances separate, how do you pay the common household bills? Do you have a third account that you both feed a certain amount into every month? (That's the only way I could see it work??)

[Woggle]

If you keep your finances separate, how do you pay the common household bills? Do you have a third account that you both feed a certain amount into every month? (That's the only way I could see it work??)

 

Split it the same way two friends living together would. It's quite easy actually.

[Trojan John]

Kind of begs the question of "then why get married in the first place?".

[Woggle]

Kind of begs the question of "then why get married in the first place?".

 

Because I do love her and we are great together. I just don't see the need for us to be melded into one. The fact that we control our own finances makes it much more easier. We both contribute our half to the household expenses and beyond that we spend our money how we want to. Of course we are both generous with each other but that is by choice. I think this is the best arrangement for two people who don't like being told what to do.

[subdued]

Kind of begs the question of "then why get married in the first place?".

 

Because it's very hard for me to be 100% committed to my boyfriend if he is not willing to show that he is 100% committed to me by marrying me. I often question my decision to stay with him when he is not 100% committed to me. What can I say? I'm just a fool in love.

[Thornton]

Having never been married, I have read this thread with great interest.

 

I have to say I don't understand the concept of alimony... paying money to an ex after divorce. It seems it's supposed to compensate for her not advancing her career during the marriage, because she was busy with childcare etc and probably wasn't earning. Um... but didn't she get pretty much ALL of his money while they were married? The guy has already paid for her to stay at home and not work for several years, and she still wants more? Shouldn't she be grateful for already having had a free ride for so long?

 

I am all in favour of a pre-nup before marriage. In fact, I wouldn't marry a man without a pre-nup, because I need to protect myself as much as he does... I work, I have savings, and I'll have future earnings during the marriage which may even exceed his eventually. I agree with other posters who said that any woman who doesn't want a pre-nup is a gold digger.

[Woggle]

Having never been married, I have read this thread with great interest.

 

I have to say I don't understand the concept of alimony... paying money to an ex after divorce. It seems it's supposed to compensate for her not advancing her career during the marriage, because she was busy with childcare etc and probably wasn't earning. Um... but didn't she get pretty much ALL of his money while they were married? The guy has already paid for her to stay at home and not work for several years, and she still wants more? Shouldn't she be grateful for already having had a free ride for so long?

 

I am all in favour of a pre-nup before marriage. In fact, I wouldn't marry a man without a pre-nup, because I need to protect myself as much as he does... I work, I have savings, and I'll have future earnings during the marriage which may even exceed his eventually. I agree with other posters who said that any woman who doesn't want a pre-nup is a gold digger.

 

I wish there were more woman who thought like you.

[Thornton]

I wish there were more woman who thought like you.

 

The problem is that if I married and divorced, the courts would offer me alimony regardless of how unfair it is, and if I was greedy I could take it. The fault is with the courts; the system needs to be fairer, because as it is the system simply allows the opportunity for greed to take over. A divorce is a legal separation... how can you still be responsible for supporting someone you're legally separated from? Surely the whole point of separation is... well... to be separate? Whats mine is mine, what's yours is yours, we are now two separate individuals, etc.

 

I just don't get it, because if a man I hated was ordered to pay me alimony I'd want to fling it back in his face and say "Keep your filthy money... I don't want you, and I don't want your money". For me it would be about pride... I don't want to be kept by a man I hate, I would want to prove I don't need him. The only reason I can think of for women accepting alimony is greed.

[clv0116]

The problem is that if I married and divorced, the courts would offer me alimony regardless of how unfair it is, and if I was greedy I could take it. The fault is with the courts; the system needs to be fairer, because as it is the system simply allows the opportunity for greed to take over.

 

I agree, if the shoe was on the other foot and some judge was waving a big stack of money in my face I'd be tempted, I freely admit it. The few women who refuse to take advantage of this state of affairs deserve a big tip of our collective hats.

 

 

 

A divorce is a legal separation... how can you still be responsible for supporting someone you're legally separated from? Surely the whole point of separation is... well... to be separate? Whats mine is mine, what's yours is yours, we are now two separate individuals, etc.

 

One would think so.