Why don't men want to get married?

[Woggle]

The problem is that if I married and divorced, the courts would offer me alimony regardless of how unfair it is, and if I was greedy I could take it. The fault is with the courts; the system needs to be fairer, because as it is the system simply allows the opportunity for greed to take over. A divorce is a legal separation... how can you still be responsible for supporting someone you're legally separated from? Surely the whole point of separation is... well... to be separate? Whats mine is mine, what's yours is yours, we are now two separate individuals, etc.

 

I just don't get it, because if a man I hated was ordered to pay me alimony I'd want to fling it back in his face and say "Keep your filthy money... I don't want you, and I don't want your money". For me it would be about pride... I don't want to be kept by a man I hate, I would want to prove I don't need him. The only reason I can think of for women accepting alimony is greed.

 

If you make your own money you it would be harder for you to get alimony depending on the judge. There are still some judges that like to drain a man dry when he gets divorced though no matter what. I was lucky enough to get a fair judge but I realize that I could have easily been ordered to give half my check to my ex-wife.

[Joey Popps]

In quite a few states unless you have a pre-nup or are extremely lucky the guy gets screwed over 99 percent of the time. Especially in states that are no fault and 50-50 no matter what. If the guy makes say 100K a year and the wife made around 50K....the guy is going to pay alimoney. And throw in a kid or two and the guy is pretty much screwed in a lot of states even if the wife was the one who left or cheated.

[Gunny376]

Sorry to hear you went through such a bad experience. IMO it is hearing stories like that that makes men scared to death to walk down the isle. But then there are the "happily married stories." They count too. It's not just "miserable divorce city) out there. And while I haven't been married and divorced (and I'm sure that SUCKS) I'd like to think that maybe there is a chance you'll find that right person and have a long and happy marriage. I suppose that is the chance you take when you get married.

 

Almost half of first time marriages end in divorce, (The rate seems to be going down, even before the economy tanked, and even more so now that it has. Primarily because people are getting married in their late twenties and early thirties) The divorce rate for second marriages? 62%, For third? 73% ~ I guess its easier having already gone through it.

 

In the book, "Crazy Time" the author sites, that out of the other 50% of first time marriages that don't end in divorce? Only 13 % report themselves as being "Happily Married? The other 37%?

 

They're staying together because of the children, finances, the status quo, religious beliefs against divorce.

 

They're married, but they're not happily married. They're more like roommates living together. She's in one room watching Home and Garden, scrap booking, and he's in another watching "tha" game. After the children are grown and gone? They may even sleep in separate beds in separate bedrooms because of "his" snoring" and tossing & turning.

 

I've noticed men that never married? They have nice clothes they bought from the mall and not ChinaMart. They usually have nice expensive watches and jewelry. They usually have more than one auto, and have nice places to live with all the things that guys like. They have hobbies, and come and go as they want, with who the want, when they want!

 

And they have money!

 

I've noticed a lot of guys that are married? Some of them are working two jobs, while the wife is a SAHM, driving the newer and nicer of the two cars.

 

He? He gets to drive the 74 Ford Maverick held together with bailing wire and duck tape and a whole lot of prayer? She? She gets the more dependable vehicle.

 

The 'FemiNazi's" over the course of the last fifty years have gotten the laws changed. They've gotten the legislatures to crack down on "deadbeat dads" and are not only garnishing checks, but throwing men in jail for non-payment!

 

The State of Florida recently cracked down on 'deadbeat' dads! In over 7,000 of them. Come to find out? The reason they were 'deadbeat' dads?

 

Well they were dead!

 

 

Women get custody of the children 90% of the time. But in the 10% of time that men get custody? Women don't pay their court ordered child support ~ 90% of the time.

 

You watch the TV cops? The police get called out on a domestic abuse call? Who gets carted off to jail. All a woman has to do is shed a few tears and show some bruises ~ BAM!

 

I'm not saying that women aren't domestically abused? But I am saying there are more than just a few that abuse charging some innocent guy with domestic abuse.

 

The reason men don't want to get married? IMHO?

 

Women have pretty much screwed things up to the point to where if your a man? You'd have to pretty much be insane to want to, let alone get married!

 

Anything you can have with a woman? You can have without one! (Except children ~ and too many women are using them as a payday! Either through some man, government welfare programs, and/or both)

 

Women and children benefit from marriage ~ not men.

 

When you boil it down to the bottom of the pot at the end of the day?

 

All men get is the PROMISE of the propensity of sex! That's it?

 

Companionship?

 

:lmao::lmao:

 

Women are too busy doing this, that and the other!

 

Talking on the phone with their best friend, friends, mother, sister, yada~yada!

 

Or shopping buying a bunch of knick knacks and what-nots that we men have absolutely no use for? I mean, come on! How many damn ceramic dolphins, owls, unicorns do we need around here?

 

HALF of the stuff they sell at WalMart, JC Penny, Sears? I've got zero use for!

 

Tissue paper!

 

When I was married and shacked with another gal?

 

We had boxes and boxes of tissue paper!

 

We had it in the living room, the bathroom, the bedroom!

 

It was everywhere!

 

Now that I'm single again?

 

I have two types of paper in my house!

 

Toilet paper and paper towels!

 

You run out of one?

 

You use the other!

 

You need to blow your nose?

 

You've got yourself two choices!

 

I agree every man should totally and absolutely screw up his life and get married!

[Trialbyfire]

Whoah, gunny! You're forgetting one thing. Women getting custody of the children and raising them, isn't a cake walk unless there are big bucks involved. When that happens, it means the man is also earning a high income, thus fully capable of affording whatever he personally needs or wants.

 

I strongly encourage anyone to not get married, if they're not all in or are worried about the consequences of getting married. Also, the other option is to get married but have no children, with someone who's an equal earner.

 

I don't know why men make it sound like it's all the woman's fault for having children when it's most often, a joint decision. If it's not a joint decision and she had them anyways without your consent, you can now turn in your man-card...

[Gunny376]

Whoah, gunny! You're forgetting one thing. Women getting custody of the children and raising them, isn't a cake walk unless there are big bucks involved. When that happens, it means the man is also earning a high income, thus fully capable of affording whatever he personally needs or wants.

 

I strongly encourage anyone to not get married, if they're not all in or are worried about the consequences of getting married. Also, the other option is to get married but have no children, with someone who's an equal earner.

 

I don't know why men make it sound like it's all the woman's fault for having children when it's most often, a joint decision. If it's not a joint decision and she had them anyways without your consent, you can now turn in your man-card...

 

With all due respects?

 

I apolgize!

 

It wasn't my intent to paint any and all women with such a broad brush stroke!

 

THERE are good women out here!

 

Problem is?

 

There alreay for the most taken?

 

I got a bad one!

 

And to get one?

 

Your just about going to have to kill the guy that's got them!

 

The trouble with a good one and a bad one?

 

You can't tell them apart until you've got them!

 

A good one will love you till death!

 

A bad one?

 

Will make sure you go FIRST!

 

Guess women can say the same about men!

[Woggle]

Gunny is 100% right. Despite the prejudice that some men have against financially independent women the best bet for a man who does want to marry is to find a woman who has her own. She can relate to you better and if things go wrong you will be in a much better position not to be put through the meatgrinder.

[Gunny376]

Whoah, gunny! You're forgetting one thing. Women getting custody of the children and raising them, isn't a cake walk unless there are big bucks involved. When that happens, it means the man is also earning a high income, thus fully capable of affording whatever he personally needs or wants.

 

I strongly encourage anyone to not get married, if they're not all in or are worried about the consequences of getting married. Also, the other option is to get married but have no children, with someone who's an equal earner.

 

I don't know why men make it sound like it's all the woman's fault for having children when it's most often, a joint decision. If it's not a joint decision and she had them anyways without your consent, you can now turn in your man-card...

 

It WAS a joint decision based upon our being married for the next up-teen years! But not upon her becoming a Cougar and chasing after men ten years younger than she was!

 

Back when I was paying child support close to $1K a month, it wasn't nothing but a good time for her and the "Toy-Boy" ~ now that I'm out of the child support business? Its noting but used Corollas! and Nissan Sentra's! The days of trading for new Ford Expeditions, Jeep Cherokees, and Ford convertible GT Mustangs!

 

Are over!

 

Nothing but a GOOD TIME! Everyday was a holiday! When I was paying close to a grand a month child support and working a second job bartending, or at Winn Dixie!

 

Everyday was a feast!

 

I'm driving used car wreaked junk! Held together with bailing wire, duck tape and a whole lot of prayer just trying to get to work to earn a paycheck so I could pay child support to keep from getting my butt out of jail, losing my career in the Corps, and getting court martialed for non-payment of child support.

 

Then to be turned over to civilian authorities for non-payment after I've lost my career, my job, my income to be prosecuted for the same "crime" again" and be jailed again for non-payment!

 

Don't even get me started about bills, bill collectors, debts, bankruptcy (that was made based on two incomes while being married) the IRS, her 'back-dooring' me with the IRS, etc!)

 

Cry me a river! As wide and as long as the Mississippi!

 

About the woes and worries of motherhood, womanhood!

 

And I would not shed a tear!

 

Its taken me nineteen long years to get back to where I was in 1991!

[Gunny376]

Cry me a river! As wide and as long as the Mississippi!

 

About the woes and worries of motherhood, womanhood!

 

And I would not shed a tear!

 

In the sense that life is hard! Its harder if your stupid!

 

Get over it, get use to it!

 

Deal with it!

 

That's the way its always been!

 

That's the way its always going to be!

[subdued]

Wow, Gunny376, you are so bitter. You have a lot of baggage to get rid of. I also know women who are bitter. Their bitterness hurts themselves, because their mistrust prevents them from truly letting themselves go into a relationship. One horrible, costly mistake should not keep you from having a fulfilling relationship. And you needn't even be married to make a costly mistake. All the woman has to do is get pregnant and you could be liable for paying child support for the next 18/19 years.

 

Here is an analogy:

 

If you got cheated by buying a piece of swamp land in Florida, should you be bitter and never buy property again and just rent for the rest of your life? If you rent, you probably won't be as committed to the property. Or should you learn from the experience, research the property first, get an appraisal, ask others for advise, ... before buying any property again?

[clv0116]

I'm standing by my intent to marry a foreign born woman from a culture that still puts family and fidelity first. The statistics say that American men who marry such women are 3 times less likely to divorce. That's pretty huge.

 

If I could show you that buying a Volvo would make you 3 times less likely to die in a traffic accident, would you take your kids to school in a Dodge ever again?

[Sam Spade]

Having never been married, I have read this thread with great interest.

 

I have to say I don't understand the concept of alimony... paying money to an ex after divorce. It seems it's supposed to compensate for her not advancing her career during the marriage, because she was busy with childcare etc and probably wasn't earning. Um... but didn't she get pretty much ALL of his money while they were married? The guy has already paid for her to stay at home and not work for several years, and she still wants more? Shouldn't she be grateful for already having had a free ride for so long?

 

I am all in favour of a pre-nup before marriage. In fact, I wouldn't marry a man without a pre-nup, because I need to protect myself as much as he does... I work, I have savings, and I'll have future earnings during the marriage which may even exceed his eventually. I agree with other posters who said that any woman who doesn't want a pre-nup is a gold digger.

 

 

Exactly - she was already paid. Now that she no longer cleans, and cooks, she has time to go out and get herself a job . I would never marry a woman who has no job/career, and would not agree on her staying at home except after up to about a year or so after each kid...

 

More generally, being a housewife in the 21st century with all the modern appliances and conveniences is simply not the full time job it used to be.

[Sam Spade]

The problem is that if I married and divorced, the courts would offer me alimony regardless of how unfair it is, and if I was greedy I could take it. The fault is with the courts; the system needs to be fairer, because as it is the system simply allows the opportunity for greed to take over. A divorce is a legal separation... how can you still be responsible for supporting someone you're legally separated from? Surely the whole point of separation is... well... to be separate? Whats mine is mine, what's yours is yours, we are now two separate individuals, etc.

 

I just don't get it, because if a man I hated was ordered to pay me alimony I'd want to fling it back in his face and say "Keep your filthy money... I don't want you, and I don't want your money". For me it would be about pride... I don't want to be kept by a man I hate, I would want to prove I don't need him. The only reason I can think of for women accepting alimony is greed.

 

 

In what state were you divorced, and why were you offered alimony if you worked? I thought that number of cases where alimony was awarded was on the decline...

[subdued]

Hi clv0116,

 

I did marry someone from overseas. He divorced me.

 

My current boyfriend is American. While I love and miss the culture that I once belonged to, my current boyfriend truly understands me. My ex never did. And it was my ex who divorced me, not the other way around.

[clv0116]

Hi clv0116,

 

I did marry someone from overseas. He divorced me.

 

My current boyfriend is American. While I love and miss the culture that I once belonged to, my current boyfriend truly understands me. My ex never did. And it was my ex who divorced me, not the other way around.

 

One in five (20%) will end this way, but that's a LOT better than the 60% for the rest of the population. I'm sorry for your bad experience and hope things work out better in the future. My current GF was born in the PI and if things work out for us we'll at least have a vacation home there after we retire.

 

We might just relocate after a while and retire early.

[WineCountry]

My boyfriend cares deeply about me and would do anything (well almost anything clearly) for me. He does love me with his whole heart, he makes that evident every day.

 

 

Not his WHOLE heart. If he loved you, and TRUSTED you, and BELIEVED in you, he would not have an issue marrying you. So maybe he loves you enough (maybe), but he doesnt trust you enough to marry you.

 

If so, he would not use OTHER peoples misfortunes in marriage to cross over into what he does with you. Which is what he is doing, since there has to be some reason he is put off by marriage, because he IS put off by it.

 

If he is afraid of loosing his money and the power tools in a divorce, that says that he does not put enough faith in YOU and your relationship so that if things ended, it would not end THAT way. He would rather look at OTHER people and let THAT determine what he does, rather than his supposed love for you. There ARE people who get divorced without it being a bloody mess, you know. But of course, folks choose to focus on the horror stories. This means that he does NOT trust that you wouldnt take him to the cleaners, or somehow make him miserable in a marriage situation.

 

He does not like the idea of marriage for SOME reason, right?. And if its for the reasons that a lot of guys have said on here, then really what he is saying to you is that he does not trust you enough to believe that you will not screw him over some kind of way in a marriage, or if a divorce happens.

 

You can sit there and sing out your support for him all you want. But you are selling yourself short. If you didnt think so, you wouldnt have made a post about it. You KNOW in your heart you want to be married. Because no matter how much folks all claim that you dont need marriage, you can live together, be in love..blah blah. A marriage says COMMITMENT. A marriage says I AM willing to try to be in this for the long run with you. It says our lives are combined. It says we are family, we are building a home together. A HOME.

 

The word 'boyfriend' says I can just walk out the door and not even care because there is no reason for me to try to work it out. The word 'boyfriend' says this is not a HOME, it is a place where we SHACK UP together. The word 'boyfriend' says here today, gone tomorrow. The word 'boyfriend' says this is the only title I am willing to give to you.

 

If that truly makes a woman happy, great for her. But, she shouldnt kid herself if she wants more. And I feel Racheroo IS kidding herself.

[Joey Popps]

I've noticed men that never married? They have nice clothes they bought from the mall and not ChinaMart. They usually have nice expensive watches and jewelry. They usually have more than one auto, and have nice places to live with all the things that guys like. They have hobbies, and come and go as they want, with who the want, when they want!

 

And they have money!

 

 

You watch too many tv shows and movies. There are just as many single men in their forties and fifties who are broke, wear crappy clothes, are overweight, and rarely go on dates as there are unhappily married men.

 

If most unmarried guys were soo happy sites like this would never exist nor would all these DJ techniques and fly by night arthors who claim they have the knowledeg on how any avg joe can become the 'man.'

And the unemployment rate in the US is closing in on 10 percent. Not every person who lost their job was a married person.

[Woggle]

You watch too many tv shows and movies. There are just as many single men in their forties and fifties who are broke, wear crappy clothes, are overweight, and rarely go on dates as there are unhappily married men.

 

If most unmarried guys were soo happy sites like this would never exist nor would all these DJ techniques and fly by night arthors who claim they have the knowledeg on how any avg joe can become the 'man.'

And the unemployment rate in the US is closing in on 10 percent. Not every person who lost their job was a married person.

 

The reason many divorced men end up like this is because before she dropped the bomb their ex probably spent a lot of time tearing down his self esteem. He busted his ass trying to please her and trying to change himself to suit her whims and she drops the bomb anyway so he constantly doubts himself. He leaves the marriage a shell of a man plus he might be giving her a good portion of what he earns. Confirmed bachelors tend not to have this problem as much because there was never a wife to neuter them.

[Sam Spade]

I just computed that if I were to get divorced in my state under a worst case scenario (long marriage, two kids, and evil judge and wife), I would end up paying 1000k in alimony plus about as much or more in child support. Per my current income, this would mean that I will have to survive on 1500 a month tops. While I'd survive on that, that would instantly catapult me into undateable lifestyle . While I will be fine eventually, it would take me a LONG time to regain my stride. Literally and figuratively.

 

(and this worst case scenario is a "clean" worst case scenario that does not account for complications such as protracted legal battle or other issues in the particular circumstances; i.e. it is not a worst case scenario at all )

 

Obviously, I hope I never end up in this situation, but it is useful benchmark to prod me into taking all the conceivable safeguards/precautions if I ever get married. And I am a guy who actually wants to get married !

[Trimmer]

I just computed that if I were to get divorced in my state under a worst case scenario (long marriage, two kids, and evil judge and wife), I would end up paying 1000k in alimony plus about as much or more in child support....

Is that a million a year, or over your lifetime?

[sally4sara]

I just computed that if I were to get divorced in my state under a worst case scenario (long marriage, two kids, and evil judge and wife), I would end up paying 1000k in alimony plus about as much or more in child support. Per my current income, this would mean that I will have to survive on 1500 a month tops. While I'd survive on that, that would instantly catapult me into undateable lifestyle . While I will be fine eventually, it would take me a LONG time to regain my stride. Literally and figuratively.

 

(and this worst case scenario is a "clean" worst case scenario that does not account for complications such as protracted legal battle or other issues in the particular circumstances; i.e. it is not a worst case scenario at all )

 

Obviously, I hope I never end up in this situation, but it is useful benchmark to prod me into taking all the conceivable safeguards/precautions if I ever get married. And I am a guy who actually wants to get married !

 

Wouldn't a long marriage mean your kids would be grown or near so? You don't pay anything for grown kids. I'd hate to think anything under 15 years was considered a long marriage.

Also, Are you figuring nothing for your imaginary wife's income when coming up with these figures?

 

Talk about blowing things out of proportion. And take note, this thread has become a sausage fest - who are you trying to convince at this point? Its like a drum circle (some kind of circle anyway ).

[Woggle]

Wouldn't a long marriage mean your kids would be grown or near so? You don't pay anything for grown kids. I'd hate to think anything under 15 years was considered a long marriage.

Also, Are you figuring nothing for your imaginary wife's income when coming up with these figures?

 

Talk about blowing things out of proportion. And take note, this thread has become a sausage fest - who are you trying to convince at this point? Its like a drum circle (some kind of circle anyway ).

 

These days 5 years is considered a long marriage but even if child support is not an issue there is still alimony plus you might have to give up your house plus the drama and nastiness of a divorce.

 

This thread has become somewhat of sausage fest but men should sit around and vent with each other. It is a healthy thing. Men going through these situations really need to be more there more for each other.

[sally4sara]

These days 5 years is considered a long marriage but even if child support is not an issue there is still alimony plus you might have to give up your house plus the drama and nastiness of a divorce.

 

This thread has become somewhat of sausage fest but men should sit around and vent with each other. It is a healthy thing. Men going through these situations really need to be more there more for each other.

 

I would think, in the interest of being productive over simply bitching, it would make more sense to figure out a way to impart these views to women (rather than just men) in a manner that doesn't induce eye rolling and an immediate write off for the exaggerations. Can't fix anything unless you can figure out how to get the point across to women right? Unless you marry another man that is.

 

And you can't really help each other if you're resorting to misinformation and sensationalism. Facts work better. All I see is a bunch of whipping each other into a hysterical frenzy.

[OpenBook]

And you can't really help each other if you're resorting to misinformation and sensationalism. Facts work better. All I see is a bunch of whipping each other into a hysterical frenzy.

 

But that's what men DO. Haven't you ever seen them watching a football game together?

[Thornton]

In what state were you divorced, and why were you offered alimony if you worked? I thought that number of cases where alimony was awarded was on the decline...

 

I haven't been divorced, I was just making a point about the unfairness of alimony.

[Woggle]

I would think, in the interest of being productive over simply bitching, it would make more sense to figure out a way to impart these views to women (rather than just men) in a manner that doesn't induce eye rolling and an immediate write off for the exaggerations. Can't fix anything unless you can figure out how to get the point across to women right? Unless you marry another man that is.

 

And you can't really help each other if you're resorting to misinformation and sensationalism. Facts work better. All I see is a bunch of whipping each other into a hysterical frenzy.

 

With all due respect I don't think that women should be telling men how to bond and how to support each other.

 

To be honest unless a man is married and has a chance at fixing this marriage this is no reason for women to be ivolved in the process. If a man is already going through a divorce why would a woman need to be involved in the healing process?