How to start from scratch in 12 mo separation ?

[n9688m]

Believe it or not, I guess I prefer to have her call wanting something (makes me feel closer and needed and have a chance) then no C, her hating me and me feeling alone.

 

Are you attending individual counseling? If not, have you considered it?

[n9688m]

As I was typing - Ex just called me again to ask me to put her on my AAA auto service...

 

Huh? Why on earth would you do that?

[SingleDad]

I was in DivorceCare for 13 weeks which ended a couple weeks ago. Had regular counseling with a marrriage counseling pastor for 4 months or so and had more than a handful of visits with a social worker.

 

Social worker did little but nod and say that must be hard on you...

 

DivorceCare was helpful with the group sessions... It will start up again in September - I may go again.

 

The MC Pastor was great - great advice, helped me through some rough times... not sure I need much more, but I have his number If I need to meet again - wish Ex could talk with him- He'd be veryhelpful (Ex refuses)

[Ladyjane14]

I know this is going to seem like conflicting advice...but...

 

It doesn't make sense to me that she be listed on ANYTHING that costs you money out of your pocket or that she could run up a massive bill on if she wants to be seperated from you.

 

Its one thing if you decide to go over and jump her car, or help her out in a crisis.

 

Its ANOTHER if she expects you to support her monetarily while she's "seperated" from you.

 

Make sense?

 

If she wants to be "seperated"...that should mean that she wants to see what single life is like...that means covering her own expenses/costs/etc...WITHOUT you.

 

What, EXACTLY, is she expecting to learn from this seperation if she's still RELYING on you for things like this?

 

If you save her cookies on something...that's a credit in the lovebank. If you're paying her bills while she's using her new place to continue an affair...that's enabling her.

 

LJ may have some better advice for you on this...but from my POV, I don't know that I'd want to give her any further opportunity to endanger my credit or run up bills that I would be forced to pay later.

 

I think Owl's right about not allowing her to run up bills and endanger your credit. She wants a divorce. She's been adamant about that. One can't expect to continue receiving the benefits of marriage... and live the single life.

We're getting into the realm of "carrot and stick". The "carrot" being good emotional support as in the fulfillment of emotional needs; the "stick" being living with the direct consequences of one's choices.

 

It's just never smart to help your spouse to leave you.

 

All that said, I think you ought to do it.

The Triple-A membership goes into the 'safety of your daughter' fund. You don't want your baby broke-down on the side of the road with Mommy and no help forthcoming should they not be able to contact you immediately.

 

EVERYTHING that goes into your "daughter fund" also fulfills an important emotional need for her mother. There's very little that trumps 'being a good father' on a woman's list of ENs. This is one EN which is easy to fulfill since your natural inclination is to act in the child's best interest anyway. When your estranged wife sees you putting your differences aside in order to put your little girl first... you rise in her estimation.

 

To get good grease though, make sure she knows you consider the Triple-A membership as a safety issue.

[n9688m]

The Triple-A membership goes into the 'safety of your daughter' fund.

 

No way. It's an economic issue, pure and simple. AAA doesn't get you faster road service - in many cases it actually gets you slower service. What it does do is to provide you with less expensive road service, and there is no reason it would be in SD's interest to fund that for his ex.

[SingleDad]

Logic is that The cell phone she provides to me through her company includes towing service... yet she learned that her own internal company phone does not have towing service available.

 

She threatened to take her phone back from me to get the towing service and leave me without a free cell phone.

 

I think I can have her added to my AAA for a low second rate like $40/yr.

 

And yes it keeps some "connection" between us and a rise in stature from my current "ant" position.

[Ladyjane14]

She threatened to take her phone back from me to get the towing service and leave me without a free cell phone.

 

What was the context of that conversation? Was her threat in response to something you said, or was it unprovoked belligerence on her part?

[SingleDad]

It was last week when her car wouldn't start. Asked me to come help her. I said I couldn't because she wouldn't let me know where she lives with my daughter - I threatened a court order for her to tell me when my daughter lives. She was pissed.

 

She said she doesn't have auto service with her cell and was going to cancel my cell phone...

 

Agruments followed....Not a good day

 

Put her on my AAA is $54/year - done

[n9688m]

She said she doesn't have auto service with her cell and was going to cancel my cell phone...

 

 

Huh? Why does she pay for your cell phone?

 

How else are your lives still economically intertweined?

[SingleDad]

Her employer is AT&T wireless. She has her own cell and PDA plus has available my phone with 1000 min per month and her mothers phone 500 min per month - all free of charge every month

[Ladyjane14]

It was last week when her car wouldn't start. Asked me to come help her. I said I couldn't because she wouldn't let me know where she lives with my daughter - I threatened a court order for her to tell me when my daughter lives. She was pissed.

 

She said she doesn't have auto service with her cell and was going to cancel my cell phone...

 

Agruments followed....Not a good day

 

Put her on my AAA is $54/year - done

 

 

Well, I don't blame you for telling her to stuff it. I'd have done the same.

And we'd have BOTH been wrong... because instead of using hard, cold logic... we'd have responded emotionally. THAT's the mistake.

 

Fact is, reconciling a marriage requires us to behave in ways that go against the grain. We find ourselves making choices that don't necessarily protect or defend our feelings. We find ourselves prioritizing our heads over our hearts. It's almost cold-blooded.

 

Once you get through His Needs / Her Needs and The Five Love Languages, you'll see that you missed an opportunity to fulfill an EN for your wife. If you'll break out a copy of Surviving An Affair, you'll see why it's so important to try to fulfill as many ENs as possible at this time. It's not time yet for 'giving the cold shoulder'. That's just giving her what she wants and validating the reasons she left you.

 

Right now, she wants you gone. It's when she's reliant on having you around again that you can show her the stark contrast of what it means to have you IN her life as opposed to OUT of it. She's not going to give a crap about NC or LC until she WANTS to be in communication with you.

 

I'm not going to blow alot of sunshine up your skirt and tell you that your course is not without emotional risk. Fact is, most likely, you're going to be getting divorced whether you like it or not. That's how most of these things turn out, I'm sorry to say.

 

But if you WANT the slim chance that's before you, you're going to have to throw caution to the wind and bear a certain amount of emotional risk, as well as some indignity. No... it's NOT right that she treat you as a responsible husband and then goes out and behaves like she's single. It wasn't right for her to move with your daughter without providing a forwarding address. Yes... you have every right to throw down and fight about that. But...

....does it get you what you want???

 

This is where we follow logic rather than emotion. Emotion tells us we're being treated unfairly. Logic tells us "better to lose the battle but win the war".

 

Get those books read. Your "plan" will most likely form before your eyes once you've absorbed the information.

 

Oh... and don't forget. YOU are the one who has chosen this path. You were well within your rights to dump her on her ass. Most of us probably would have. So, when you're mad and upset, remember that it's part of the choice you made... and THAT thought, just in itself, can help you find your "logic" again.

[SingleDad]

LadyJane - I appreciate your support and understanding in my quest - you and TIY as about the only two who understand that this is my desire (others here have also tried for years and were not successful)- at least to have a second attempt, knowing now what my wife wants and how critical and fragile our relationship was / now broken and in need of repair if possible.

 

As most know, including myself - I am likely setting myself up for yet another heartbreak if/when she files a divorce in 11 months or more. Which is likely... but if the separation continues, I can see us living apart for 2 or 3 years or more. It will be a hard uphill battle which I will likely fail.

 

I am trying to learn to be strong and independent in my own right along the way.

 

And grow emotionally and spiritually. I was never much into understanding myself during marriage - reading self help books and such... I think, in time, she will appreciate that I am working to improve myself, just as she was trying to have me do in our marriage...

 

Another part of it is I can see the same things repeating in another marriage/relationship. So let me try to re-define the existing so called relationship first.

[Ladyjane14]

Oh... I think alot of folks around here really DO understand. Take Owl, for instance. That guy can work MB in his sleep.

 

Most folks posting to you though are just concerned that you're going to get hurt, that you're being treated unfairly. And some, like me, are going to notice how intense your fear of divorce seems to be, and then encourage you to overcome your anxiety about it for your own sake.

 

You've chosen a tough row to hoe. It's only natural that folks would try to warn you off. Afterall, their intent is generally pure enough... just people trying to help. Once you've developed your "plan", it'll be easier to bounce thoughts off people without being confused by varying responses.

[SingleDad]

As tough as it will be with low odds... would it really be any easier raising my daughter for 15 years as a SingleDad ? And finding/wooing a stepmom ?

 

I think my odds are better with my daughter's mother.

[dead-dyke]

What's MB?

[Ladyjane14]

Harley's website. I should have clarified with the book title, Surviving an Affair, which outlines his program. Sorry for the confusion.

[Chrome Barracuda]

SD listen...

 

You dont know where she lives? why what if something happens and you cant find you daughter? I mean you are her father and should know where she is at all times! dont let your crazy ass wife hurt you more than what your already doing. I've seen countless men get railroaded to not see their kids. The parent taking them outta state, leaving them with grandparents, lying to others about who you are, making false allegations.

 

Dont tell her about the lawyer thing. Just do it. No man should be kept away from his kids by some derranged bitch. Go down to the lawyers, get an injunction, do something!!!

 

The more you hem haw the worse it gets' if your not proactive in your decisions!

 

Your daughter does need you. the time for wanting her back is over. the same woman you married is dead to you!!! You need to internalize that and just live for your daughter.

 

Stop worrying about this crazy bitch!!!! Right now just focus on you. It's getting sickening to see you pine after some dumb trick that constantly hurts you.

 

Years ago I was in the same position til I got pissed off and dropped the rope. granted I wasnt married or had kids but if I did i'd fight tooth and nail for them and dont let her dumbass get in the way. Her time for doing things her way is over. Parental Alienation be damned!!!

 

I'd say return everything you have of hers, start taking her off accounts, dont do things for her. Focus on your kid. Your next girlfriend could be way better but you wont know that because you wont let go!!!!

[dead-dyke]

Harley's website. I should have clarified with the book title, Surviving an Affair, which outlines his program. Sorry for the confusion.

 

Thanks - Usually you don't get an answer.

[SingleDad]

Chrome - STBXW did give me her and daughter's address. She was not keeping me from my daughter.. we maintained our parenting schedule - 3 overnights week.

 

She had moved out 3 weeks weeks ago - she did not tell me her address - and I didn't ask right away (not wanting to look like a lost puppy). But it got to a point where is was just wrong not knowing. Then she wanted my help and I said I couldn't help her - rush to her aid when she didn't think it was important to know where my daughter lives.

 

I know now where she lives - 4 miles away.

 

Chrome - until you have your own children you do not know what it is like to be forced to live only part-time with them. Separation/divorce is much more complex when there are kids involved, especially when they are very little... You cannot kick their mom and them to the curb. There will be a ongoing "relationship" with the Ex. I can either try to make it work or it can be miserable.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Chrome - STBXW did give me her and daughter's address. She was not keeping me from my daughter.. we maintained our parenting schedule - 3 overnights week.

 

She had moved out 3 weeks weeks ago - she did not tell me her address - and I didn't ask right away (not wanting to look like a lost puppy). But it got to a point where is was just wrong not knowing. Then she wanted my help and I said I couldn't help her - rush to her aid when she didn't think it was important to know where my daughter lives.

 

I know now where she lives - 4 miles away.

 

Chrome - until you have your own children you do not know what it is like to be forced to live only part-time with them. Separation/divorce is much more complex when there are kids involved, especially when they are very little... You cannot kick their mom and them to the curb. There will be a ongoing "relationship" with the Ex. I can either try to make it work or it can be miserable.

 

Au Contraire mon'frere! I hate it when people say you can't relate. I can.

 

I have enough pain and been through enough family drama custody battles and seen enough in my time to empathize with others. That's a fact.

 

You say I cannot kick their mom to the curb which is true. You dont want to end up alienating the kids. but you know what you can protect yourself, your assets and your heart. The minute that woman stopped being your wife she lost all entitlements to you...

 

I dont want to work my way up to being a stranger, friend, lover, husband, and then back to friend. With me it's all or nothing. And I'm gonna treat my wife like a queen but if she decides to walk away I'm gonna deal with it the way it should be dealt with. I may go through the emotions but I know when to let go. You need to let go.

 

Focus on yourself from now on. Stop pining and focus on your own future... that's a given.

 

She may never come back and when you can accept that, you will feel better.

 

Yes having kids with the ex is a problem but you dont need to deal with her if it's gonna hurt you, your only concern should be about the kids.

[SingleDad]

I have to stop whining - to her anyways... I have to learn to be strong.. for me, for my daughter, and Ex(?).

 

I want to learn to just be friends with STBXW - because I do not know if it could go farther.

 

I have to try to protect my heart - though I know going through this process I am setting up my self for more heartache. I have to be prepard either way.

 

But if she does some day allow me, I will pine for her if/or when she lets me. It's pine to her or pine to prospective GFs. I'd rather pine to the mother of my daughter - the person I fell in love with and made a committment to.

 

I have a hopeful believe she may let me months from now. I truly think she was suffering from depression and feeling suffocated and thinks divorce was the only solution - so I gave her the space she demanded.

 

Time and patience will tell. Will I date in the mean time - I'm not sure ?

[SingleDad]

During the divorce/separation process, I bought STBXW Valentine's day gift and wrote a heartfelt letter, gave her a birthday gift, and mother's day gift (1/2 day spa ) and a card.... all showing her how much I loved her and wanted to work on our marriage.

 

Then, the legal separation was signed three day's before Father's day - I was in so much anguish that refused the Father's day gift several times because it was bought by STBXW and felt like she was buying me off.

 

Now my 40th over the hill birthday is coming on Aug 9th - don't know if STBXW will do anything for it or give a gift... and I don't know how I should handle it either way... Talk about a mid life crisis - separated at 40.

 

Also our 4 year wedding anniversary is coming up August 21... Also do not know what to do... Do I get her something ? Do I send an anniversary card with my personal sentiments - to show her I care and remember.

 

Remember I want to try to re-start a friendship or more and not burn any more bridges.

[n9688m]

Remember I want to try to re-start a friendship or more and not burn any more bridges.

 

Do nothing.

 

You will just seem desperate and/or out of touch with reality if you buy her presents.

 

Your current strategy is NOT working.

 

Try reverse psychology - begin dating. Make her realize you have other options. It's a win-win; if that gets her interested in you great, if not you have begun moving on.

[TrustInYourself]

Do nothing.

 

You will just seem desperate and/or out of touch with reality if you buy her presents.

 

Your current strategy is NOT working.

 

Try reverse psychology - begin dating. Make her realize you have other options. It's a win-win; if that gets her interested in you great, if not you have begun moving on.

 

Agreed, good advice.

[sharebear823]

Single Dad, I don't agree with all these people who tell every single person who writes in to walk away from their marriage at the first sign of trouble. You have a family with this woman who loved you once, and she has fallen out of love with you, yet there could still be a way to fix it, and I think you owe it to yourself and to her to not give up so soon. I know it's a two-way street, and maybe she won't meet you half way, but I for one really admire you for trying to fix it and for not giving up so easily. I wouldn't be at all surprised if your wife does, too, on some level. You DO have the advantage, because she loved you enough once to marry you, and you have a child together. Work it to your advantage.

 

I agree that she needs space and time to think things through, but my husband came back around after one year, and then it took another four for us to decide that we may be able to make it work after all. My attitude is, it's a long life, and there are going to be problems for a longterm marriage. But, if you can't figure out what the problems are with your wife and try to fix them, then what makes you think you can make a go of it with any other woman for more than a few good years, before the charm wears thin and then you're right back in the same situation again, trying to solve the same type of problem, with a woman who most likely is not that much different from your first wife?

 

As for your anniversary, I would continue to send her flowers and a card every year, for the rest of your life, no matter what happens with your relationship. She will always be the mother of your child, and it will always be a day that both of you remember fondly, no matter what the marital status. (I would say this even if I wasn't a hopeless romantic, I swear!)

 

I am pulling for the two of you to get back together. It will take a lot of time and effort, and it isn't without risk, but that is true of everything that is worthwhile in this life.