How to start from scratch in 12 mo separation ?

[TrustInYourself]

Checking in on you big guy. What's shaking?

[SingleDad]

Sorry All that I haven't checked in for awhile.

 

I am mostly going on with my own independent life - to the extent I could.

 

An update:

 

My 3 yo daughter told me a couple of days ago that "Buddy is mommy's friend who sleeps over." I went ballistic with a few calls to my W over the next couple of days.

 

Needless to say, I was livid.

 

I said things to my W like:

 

"what happened to your moral standards ?"

"What kind of morals are you teaching our daughter ?"

"What kind of man would convince you to lower your morals, wreck a marriage, and convince you to give up your daughter 1/2 of the time"

"Keep it up and you are risking losing your daughter"

"You aren't the woman that I married anymore"

"Can't you wait to F-ck your BF just on those days you don't have our daughter ?" "I shouldn't have to learn about this from my daughter"

"You don't know what it means to be a friend - everything you are doing is worse than my worst enemy would do - no trust, lying, taking all of my money and taking my daughter away from me"

"Your boyfriend is more important to you than quality bonding time with your daughter"

 

 

 

My W admitted that she had a error in judgement and "will correct the situation" I assume that means that she will tell the BF that he can't sleep over when she has our D3 in the house.

 

I fully realize that this affair most likely started before the Divorce started.

That there is no getting through to my W and the error of her ways. Well maybe this 1 of 20 other things I want her to learn.

That she will file the divorce paperwork on June 13th.

That even if her BF dumps her on her ass, there is little chance for us anymore - and never was.

 

I am just so angry and hurt that divorce can be so one sided... that there is nothing I can do about it... That my daughter doesn't deserve the life she will undoubtedly have.

 

But I do not want my W back - not the way she is now !!!

 

The only thing that comforts me, is that I did everything I could to try to save my marriage and did not give up the fight, even when it pushed her farther away - Because I did what I feel is right and just.

 

But where do I go from here ? I hate my life - I hate being alone.

 

Why can't I just accept hardships as a part of life ?

 

Why can't I find happiness ?

[n9688m]

I think you are fighting windmills.

 

This is all old stuff but you are getting worked up all over again.

 

She is entitled to have someone else stay over at her house now. There is nothing you can do about it unless she is having sex in the same room as your child.

[SingleDad]

nm - I agree that I am getting all worked up again... But even my W realizes that she made a mistake for the sake of my daughter.

 

And she realizes that morals are more important to instill in our daughter.

 

In the end, my W will realize that I have my daughter's best interest at heart.

[n9688m]

nm - I agree that I am getting all worked up again... But even my W realizes that she made a mistake for the sake of my daughter.

 

What mistake?

 

Are you never going to sleep with a woman again?

 

Are you never going to introduce your daughter to another woman?

 

Is she selfish and immoral? Yes - but this is not why.

[pelicanpreacher]

nm - I agree that I am getting all worked up again... But even my W realizes that she made a mistake for the sake of my daughter.

 

And she realizes that morals are more important to instill in our daughter.

 

In the end, my W will realize that I have my daughter's best interest at heart.

 

Whether your wife corrects her errors in judgment in the future is a matter of speculation. Single Dad you no longer have any influence on what she does or thinks so continued consternation on your part is an effort in futility. You needn't adopt her mantra of "If you can't beat'm join'm" though and it is vitally important that you don't since you seem to be the only parent Brooke can rely on to truly maintain her best interest at heart.

 

Keep your moral bearing by remaining close to the church, especially when you have Brooke in your stead, and you can be somewhat assured that she doesn't grow up to be the same party girl wh@ring sl*t like her mother and grandmother. When your child is old enough to be emancipated then, if you still have the financial resources to do it, force the courts to allow Brooke to determine which roof she'd rather live under.

[pelicanpreacher]

I just read a post by Owl that not only seems prophetic but earily applies to your situation as well. He stated that he was adviced to look at the mother's behavior to determine how the woman you're thinking of marrying will be like in 20 years. Your wife's mother was a wh@ring party girl sl*t and your wife, her screeching to the contrary, is a fruit that didn't fall far from the tree. You say that you wouldn't want the woman that you see now for she isn't the woman you married but the fact is she has always been this woman from the first day that you met her. She only suppressed her inclinations to show her true colors and follow in her mother's footsteps until she got a rock on her finger and the insurance of a baby for substantial financial support from any guy who met her monetary requirements, YOU! (as a matter of fact I'd shake her up by telling her that you are going to get a DNA test on your daughter the next time you have her for visitation)

 

Its my bet that the man she's boinking doesn't have anywhere near the earning power you have but, since you fulfilled your purpose in her sordid little scheme to juice somebody, she can now follow her destiny to be exactly like her mother and pork the world on your dime. It therefore doesn't do any good to attempt to leverage her sense of morality for its only been a prop in her act to land the man she could eventually put the screws to. (there are plenty of men and women who marry strictly for money so don't be shocked by this revelation in your marriage)

 

You need to look upon your experiences with this witch and consign your thoughts to "lesson learned"! As for the future, before you begin dating, take the advice that I've given before and seek therapy for the deeper issues limiting your outlook on life. Through therapy you'll learn to undo some of the self destructive mannerisms that you harbor which sabotage your confidence and ability to relate to others socially on a meaningful level, and finally, love and respect yourself. Once done you'll find that happiness and fulfillment have always been within your reach but now you won't be so afraid to take a chance at having it!

[n9688m]

You needn't adopt her mantra of "If you can't beat'm join'm" though and it is vitally important that you don't since you seem to be the only parent Brooke can rely on to truly maintain her best interest at heart.

 

So SD should become a monk now? Come on.

 

When your child is old enough to be emancipated then, if you still have the financial resources to do it, force the courts to allow Brooke to determine which roof she'd rather live under.

 

Absent clear abuse or neglect, children should live with both parents - just as is the case now for SD's daughter. Yes his soon-ex wife has been extremely selfish and inconsiderate and his daughter may well realize that one day. But I have not read anything which suggests SD's daughter would be better living just with mom or just with dad.

 

It takes an incredible amount of hubris in my view for any parent to conclude he/she is the "superior" parent and a child would do better with 1 parent than with 2 parents.

[pelicanpreacher]

Monk? No, but divorced parents have a duty to be discreet in their adult relationships until they've met someone who they can establish a lasting bond with the intent establish a new marriage. For Brooke to be introduced to "Buddy" who stays the night with mommy after she's barely gotten her bearings upon being dragged out of SD's home and forced to live with her mother in a different setting without any explanation whatsoever as to what happened or what is going to happen next is beyond me.

 

It takes a lot of hubris NM to make the assertion that Brooke hasn't been at all traumatized by the move or confused and made insecure by the introduction of "Buddy" in her shattered little life simply because she's just a kid and her feelings don't matter anyways doesn't count as abuse on any level because of its relative legal standing. JUST BECAUSE A COURT OF LAW DOESN'T CURRENTLY RECOGNIZE IT AS ABUSE DOESN'T MEAN IT'S NOT ABUSE OR DETRIMENTAL TO A CHILD'S EMOTIONAL DEVELOPMENT!

 

If you'll recall, his daughter began showing signs of anxiety and insecurity by wanting to sleep in her father's bed and throwing temper tantrums of frustration after his wife moved out and during his visitation because she's made to walk on eggshells around a mother acting like a Tyrant Lizard King when under her thumb similar to how she tried to impose her rules while living with SD (time out, go to your room, stand in the corner, and etc..). It is my belief that the longer this stbx maintains an atmosphere in her own household that she is queen and her child is but someone to vent her pent up frustrations against the worse their relationship will grow to be.

 

The fact NM that she's complaining that SD is interfering with her desire to have more time with Brooke even though she's already granted more than 50% in their custody arrangement just tells me that she chaffs at the thought her daughter can escape her clutches long enough to find relief with SD which is driving her to complete distraction. I say that his stbx has shown a lot of hubris in attempting to impose her will upon SD's household to assert her dominance in all matters regarding Brooke which is a tell to just how harshly she controls Brooke when she has her solely in her stead. (Remember the Halloween incident when Brooke tried to push her mother out the door so that she could start having fun with her dad?!) Read between the lines of SD's entire thread and you'll come to the exact same conclusions I have...I guarantee it!!!

 

Bide your time SD and do not provide any further advice to your stbx on parenting or her immoral behavior and one day Brooke may be coming to live with you full time. When your stbx's demands that you adhere to her way of parenting Brooke while you have her in your stead simply respond that you'll take her suggestions under advisement and let it go in one ear and out the other! As your stbx morphs more and more into her own mother's personality she shall frustrate herself into making more and more mistakes which will drive her relationship with Brooke farther and farther apart. When it comes time for emancipation (and hopefully you'll be remarried by then) allow Brooke to choose which roof she'd rather live under full time...yours with a loving and nuturing household or your ex's with her live-in "Uncle John" come lately. If she chooses yours then snatch back that $2333 that you're shelling out in child support per month to leave your ex twisting in the wind so all will be right with the world again!

 

When Brooke is old enough to understand adult matters though sit her down and tell her what type of women her mother and grandmother are and admonish her with how dissappointed you'll be if she grows up to be anyway or anywhere near like them. Explain to her again and again and again and again how good morality, which both her mother and grandmother lack, will help to protect her from making mistakes that will ruin her own marriage in the future and maybe you'll be able to break the cycle of self destruction prevalent in the lives of the women in your wife's side of the family.

[n9688m]

Monk? No, but divorced parents have a duty to be discreet in their adult relationships until they've met someone who they can establish a lasting bond with the intent establish a new marriage.

 

I think the divorce itself has shattered any belief that relationships are permanent. No question that can and does cause very substantial harm to a child.

 

I tend to doubt that a new boyfriend or girlfriend can come even close to topping that damage.

[pelicanpreacher]

I think the divorce itself has shattered any belief that relationships are permanent. No question that can and does cause very substantial harm to a child.

 

I tend to doubt that a new boyfriend or girlfriend can come even close to topping that damage.

 

Although Brooke may be a fairly bright little girl at 3 years old I'm not sure that she can fathom the depth of the almost existential concept of permanence or death the way an adult can.

 

SD, I'd also suggest that you print off the entire thread that you've started here to create an album chronolizing your thoughts and efforts throughout this ordeal so when Brooke gets old enough to ask questions then you might have something to refer to or better yet bestow to her so that she can see and somewhat experience your trials and tribulations in your sojourn to divorce. If nothing else, it will help her to understand you better and foster and strengthen a bond between the two of you that her mother can never disrupt! Her mother, on the other hand, will not be able to spin her way out of the destruction she hath wrought and will be made to lay in the bed of her making.

[Gunny376]

I just read a post by Owl that not only seems prophetic but earily applies to your situation as well. He stated that he was adviced to look at the mother's behavior to determine how the woman you're thinking of marrying will be like in 20 years. Your wife's mother was a wh@ring party girl sl*t and your wife, her screeching to the contrary, is a fruit that didn't fall far from the tree. You say that you wouldn't want the woman that you see now for she isn't the woman you married but the fact is she has always been this woman from the first day that you met her. She only suppressed her inclinations to show her true colors and follow in her mother's footsteps until she got a rock on her finger and the insurance of a baby for substantial financial support from any guy who met her monetary requirements, YOU! (as a matter of fact I'd shake her up by telling her that you are going to get a DNA test on your daughter the next time you have her for visitation)

 

Its my bet that the man she's boinking doesn't have anywhere near the earning power you have but, since you fulfilled your purpose in her sordid little scheme to juice somebody, she can now follow her destiny to be exactly like her mother and pork the world on your dime. It therefore doesn't do any good to attempt to leverage her sense of morality for its only been a prop in her act to land the man she could eventually put the screws to. (there are plenty of men and women who marry strictly for money so don't be shocked by this revelation in your marriage)

 

You need to look upon your experiences with this witch and consign your thoughts to "lesson learned"! As for the future, before you begin dating, take the advice that I've given before and seek therapy for the deeper issues limiting your outlook on life. Through therapy you'll learn to undo some of the self destructive mannerisms that you harbor which sabotage your confidence and ability to relate to others socially on a meaningful level, and finally, love and respect yourself. Once done you'll find that happiness and fulfillment have always been within your reach but now you won't be so afraid to take a chance at having it!

 

Damned straight! You've got that much right!

[SingleDad]

PP - I appreciate your deep worldly insight and time devoted to my thread and my issues, as well as your memory of events over the past 6 months or so.

 

It does scare me how little my STBXW realizes how drastically my daughters life will be impacted my her decisions.

 

Every step along the way, she is convincing herself that she is going what is best for our daughter... and is so blinded by her affair.

 

I am so angered (and I have expressed to her) at how quickly she is moving "forward" with her own life and starting a new "family" with this BF.

 

It angers me so much that she and BF will be spending the Christmas together like a happy new family with my daughter... while I am kicked to the curb.

 

I am also angered that is seems the BF is given more time to be with my daughter than I am... I'm not even sure how much time my W spends with my D in bonding time - or if BF is always there.

 

I can't wait until this "merry" Christmas season is over - cause it just hurts too much.

 

I am doing the best I can to raise my daughter - allowing her to have her own free will - while protecting her at the same time.

[sumdude]

 

Its my bet that the man she's boinking doesn't have anywhere near the earning power you have but, since you fulfilled your purpose in her sordid little scheme to juice somebody, she can now follow her destiny to be exactly like her mother and pork the world on your dime. It therefore doesn't do any good to attempt to leverage her sense of morality for its only been a prop in her act to land the man she could eventually put the screws to. (there are plenty of men and women who marry strictly for money so don't be shocked by this revelation in your marriage)

 

 

 

AMEN!

 

I learned this same lesson the hard way with my ex... as soon as things weren't to her liking and she had driven me for all I was worth and out of gas she took off with the next ride that came along and fit her current specifications. hmmm let's see, her mom left her dad.. her dad remarried at least 3 times, her sister divorced twice remarrying the first husband.. lol etc etc etc

 

I'll look long and hard at someone's upbringing when I ever venture down the relationship path again.

[pelicanpreacher]

AMEN!

 

I learned this same lesson the hard way with my ex... as soon as things weren't to her liking and she had driven me for all I was worth and out of gas she took off with the next ride that came along and fit her current specifications. hmmm let's see, her mom left her dad.. her dad remarried at least 3 times, her sister divorced twice remarrying the first husband.. lol etc etc etc

 

I'll look long and hard at someone's upbringing when I ever venture down the relationship path again.

 

Bingo, Bingo, Bingo, Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding!!!! Folks, we have a winner! I've said it once and I'll say it again. Look deeeeeeep before your leap for the rocks at the bottom of the quarry seem to jump up atcha just when you get lost in your high diving fun!!!

 

This is why the stigma of divorce weighed so heavily in our great grandparent's day when their children brought someone home to meet them for the first time when they were young and in love because children of divorce would often have underlying issues yet to surface if the divorce was the result of dysfunction within the date's family.

 

Oh should we ever grow to be as wise as our great grandparents some day! Its funny that I opened a thread on this exact subject but got narry a bite from my target audience and that to me is the tell!

[n9688m]

Bingo, Bingo, Bingo, Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding!!!! Folks, we have a winner! I've said it once and I'll say it again. Look deeeeeeep before your leap for the rocks at the bottom of the quarry seem to jump up atcha just when you get lost in your high diving fun!!!

 

If this is so then why does the politically correct conclusion seem to be that children come out just fine after divorce?

[pelicanpreacher]

If this is so then why does the politically correct conclusion seem to be that children come out just fine after divorce?

 

No, this is the fruit of the tree that grows without GOD. Gotta thank those athiests and right wing liberals for that one. I, for one, will never buy it and cannot be fooled!

[pelicanpreacher]

PP - I appreciate your deep worldly insight and time devoted to my thread and my issues, as well as your memory of events over the past 6 months or so.

 

It does scare me how little my STBXW realizes how drastically my daughters life will be impacted my her decisions.

 

Every step along the way, she is convincing herself that she is going what is best for our daughter... and is so blinded by her affair.

 

I am so angered (and I have expressed to her) at how quickly she is moving "forward" with her own life and starting a new "family" with this BF.

 

It angers me so much that she and BF will be spending the Christmas together like a happy new family with my daughter... while I am kicked to the curb.

 

I am also angered that is seems the BF is given more time to be with my daughter than I am... I'm not even sure how much time my W spends with my D in bonding time - or if BF is always there.

 

I can't wait until this "merry" Christmas season is over - cause it just hurts too much.

 

I am doing the best I can to raise my daughter - allowing her to have her own free will - while protecting her at the same time.

 

Single Dad, I don't think that you are fully grasping the enormity of the situation you're dealing with for you are still looking wistfully through the rose colored glasses of a heart that just won't believe what your mind's eye should be seeing. The motivations of your stbx is primarily spurred by the narcissism currently ballooning with her psyche instead of your daughter's best interests (which is only a prop at this point to justify any and all actions she'll take from here on out in furtherence of her own agenda) as Brooke is being dragged along for the ride. The fact that she had "Buddy" between her legs the moment she executed her clandestined relocation while maintaining Brooke in her stead is the only fact you need as evidence of her perspective (Remember the screamfest?). Though she may now call her actions an error in judgment after repeating it in secret continuously for 6 months you must accept that a wh@ring party girl sl*t is all she is and all she'll ever be ... just like her Mama!

 

Bide your time but watch your ex for she has now crossed the line from adversary to enemy when she became a demon that's scheming and dreaming of stripping you of Brooke in ways you have yet to comprehend. This is evident in her response to your resistance to her insistence that you surrender more of your parenting time in favor of her nebulous complaint that you're alloted custody interferes with her efforts to "bond with Brooke" (translation: grind her spirit into the dust) when she ominously ended the convo on the subject with ... "We'll see"!

 

Keep your eye on the ball Single Dad for this is a battle you cannot afford to lose!!!

[SingleDad]

Fortunately, Our legal separation agreement and parenting plan is legal and filed with the county. My attorney had told me that it would be very rare that a court overturn or modify an agreement ratified by both parties and reviewed by separate attorneys that is of utmost fairness and in accordance with current legal standards.

 

And as long as my moral standards remain above hers - there is little that she can do.

 

I do not know what else I can do.

[pelicanpreacher]

Fortunately, Our legal separation agreement and parenting plan is legal and filed with the county. My attorney had told me that it would be very rare that a court overturn or modify an agreement ratified by both parties and reviewed by separate attorneys that is of utmost fairness and in accordance with current legal standards.

 

And as long as my moral standards remain above hers - there is little that she can do.

 

I do not know what else I can do.

 

Do you remember when your stbx asked the mediator whether it would be allowable to date during the formalizing of your separation agreement? The issue of introducing your child to another SO should have been hammered out then and there. Also, does your separation agreement protect you from the possibility that stbx can pick up stakes and move out of the area? Leaving these two avenues open exposes you to all kind of shenanigans if she decides to make things difficult. Again, she crossed the line from adversary to enemy a long long long long long long time ago so you have got to stop thinking that she will take your feelings into consideration on anything she decides to do in the future. Hell, when she initially moved out she didn't even have the decency to inform you of where she took your daughter to reside or give you the courtesy of discussing having "Buddy" stay overnight during days that she held custody. Remember, the two of you are separated and thus not yet divorced so civility and decorum should be expected if not demanded by all parties involved ( You, your stbx, and "Buddy")

 

As unctuously deplorable as your wife's behavior has been throughout this I also see "Buddy" in an equally bad light for he has shown very very very poor form as a man. These two have asserted their complete lack of morality as role models for the "new reality" on her side of the planet without consideration for anyone they affect in what they do. What makes matters worse is Brooke has been made to bear witness and forced to conform to all of this from the very onset but held impotent to changing her situation for she's only a child with neither rights nor say whatsoever. That's a shame .... A LOW DOWN DIRTY SHAME!!!

[TrustInYourself]

Fortunately, Our legal separation agreement and parenting plan is legal and filed with the county. My attorney had told me that it would be very rare that a court overturn or modify an agreement ratified by both parties and reviewed by separate attorneys that is of utmost fairness and in accordance with current legal standards.

 

And as long as my moral standards remain above hers - there is little that she can do.

 

I do not know what else I can do.

 

Status quo is for losers. Nice guys come last.

 

Don't pay her, file bankruptcy, and block her mail. Screw the status quo.

 

If anything hire a hitman from New Jersey. It will be cheaper in the long run.