How to start from scratch in 12 mo separation ?

[pelicanpreacher]

Do yourself a favor SD, play your information on earning potential close to the vest for there are a ton of women out there looking to be rescued by an earner like you. Welcome to the "mean season"!

 

Keep in touch though and let us know how you're doing.

[SingleDad]

I think my WAW just learned that the "grass is not greener on the other side".

 

She called on the drive into work about parenting time... complaining that I keep taking parenting time away from her...(even though she has more than I do). I scheduled a vacation day for 11/21 and 12/5 which is supposed to be the whole day. My W told me she is taking our D3 at 5 pm "because it's her weekend" - and that I keep trying to "change the rules". So I said "wait a minute - so now you want the rules to be that if I take a vacation day, I only get her until 5 pm... but on your vacation days you get to keep her overnight ?" After arguing about it she said "well at least for now" (likely meaning that as long as she is alone again until she has another BF to satisfy her).

 

Then I said "It's a Friday night - why don't you just go out with your boyfriend" She replied "I wish that were the case". Then I mistakenly said "What, did he leave you ?" Then she screamed at me a few words angry words along with "*********" and hung up. She had also mentioned last week that "all men are jerks - men will just never get it". She has also mentioned she "has had her own problems" that she does not want to discuss with me.

 

So either her BF broke it off with her - he used her for sex - or he is not being nearly as "moldable" as she demands in a man. Either way, lately my WAW has been as real b!tch - and I can't see why any man would want to have a real relationship with her at this point.

 

Still she wants to lead a truly free and independent life (except for my financial support)... She hasn't yet experienced enough hardships to ever consider coming back to her family - and may never.

 

...Nothing going on on my dating front... seems nobody wants to date a "separated" man... understandably... (and I do not want to lie about my status).

[n9688m]

So I said "wait a minute - so now you want the rules to be that if I take a vacation day, I only get her until 5 pm... but on your vacation days you get to keep her overnight ?" After arguing about it she said "well at least for now"

 

Don't let her set that precedent. Enforce fairness explicitly and consistently.

 

...Nothing going on on my dating front... seems nobody wants to date a "separated" man... understandably... (and I do not want to lie about my status).

 

There are lots of separated women who wouldn't mind dating a separated man.

 

What's up with your neighbor? Sounds like if nothing else she would be a good candidate for friends with benefits - which might be all you are ready for emotionally anyway right now.

[Owl]

Do you have a LSA?

 

It sounds to me like you need to seriously get the time managed by the lawyers, since your wife wants to arbitrarily change it to her favor.

[pelicanpreacher]

I see you're still mulling over the possibilty of your stbx coming back to you. Sigh! The fact is, you haven't changed enough regarding your own dysfunctions to assure that a second chance would fair any better than your first.

 

If you haven't formalized an iron clad custodial agreement for your child then you need to get off of your butt and get this done. At this point, scheduled parenting time should be a non-issue unless it is a door you've purposefully left open to promote opportunity for manipulation and drama. Your child doesn't need this. She needs the maturity, strength, and stability of at least 1 parent who is truly looking after her best interests during these stressful times. Will that be you or your stbx?

 

Its funny that you mentioned that throughout your marriage you put your child first which you feel caused its demise. Now that you're facing an impending divorce she has come last and is being used as a pawn in your strategy to gain access to your stbx's life. Cut it out because you're bigger and better than that.

 

As to your stbx's private life, I'd advise that you stop trying to probe there. You are in fact separated and heading for divorce and you need to get your mind around the fact that the horse has left the barn and what it's doing or with whom is no longer any of your concern. Stop obsessing over the past and seek therapy to grow more comfortable in your own skin. Once done, face life with strength, confidence, and conviction knowing the rest of your life is coming whether you like it or not so you may as well enjoy it to the fullest.

[SingleDad]

What's up with your neighbor? Sounds like if nothing else she would be a good candidate for friends with benefits - which might be all you are ready for emotionally anyway right now.

 

My neighbor has a new BF who is also in the middle of a divorce, still living with his W, and having an affair with my neighbor - both are as neither are divorced or legally separated at this point.

[SingleDad]

We have a parenting plan in place - and it generally has worked pretty well - and we have generally been able to accomodate each others schedules and re-arrange as needed. I think she has just now has been less willing to make changes as she may be now finding that our daughter is all she has right now (if the BF is out of the picture) and she wants to catch up on her parenting (that she wasn't as deeply focused on when she had the BF over at the same time).

 

It slipped out about mentioning the BF - I didn't intend to get into it - A slip of the tongue - I'm only human.

[SingleDad]

I read in "Women's Infidelity" that women all have their dream for a wonderful married life. They find a man, convince him to make a committment and marry them, get a nice house, have a child, success in their jobs... Then after they have everything that they thought they ever wanted... They re-assess their lives and realize that they still aren't happy... another man comes along to listen to their problems and complaints about their husbands and they become swept off their feet, think they love this man and have an affair. Now the WAW has everything - but is guilty about the left behind husband and seeks to separate so she can continue the affair guilt free. When the WAW then seeks committment from the OM (the man of her dreams) - he usually leaves, as he is purely a "home-wrecker". The WAW usually continues to go out to seek another man - she may never go back to the husband as she blames the husband for all of her problems and her need to look elsewhere because the husband was the one who she truly believes "put her in this position".

 

Similar things happen when the man has the affair, except that maybe the man having the affair often wants both the affair and the spouse. The man is afraid of losing his family, whereas the woman does not, as she knows the courts usually favor the women in custody.

 

Things are tough - we, the left behind spouse - are powerless to do anything the moment our WAW has checked out of the marriage. We just have to live our lives the best we can and go on. There is a chance they will come back some day - but will we still want them after all they put us through - will we have already established new lives by then ?

[Owl]

We have a parenting plan in place - and it generally has worked pretty well - and we have generally been able to accomodate each others schedules and re-arrange as needed. I think she has just now has been less willing to make changes as she may be now finding that our daughter is all she has right now (if the BF is out of the picture) and she wants to catch up on her parenting (that she wasn't as deeply focused on when she had the BF over at the same time).

 

It slipped out about mentioning the BF - I didn't intend to get into it - A slip of the tongue - I'm only human.

 

Is your parenting plan one that was done up "legally", thru lawyers? Does it have any "teeth" wrapped around violations of the agreement?

 

Or was this done with a 'handshake agreement"?

 

If its the former...then make it clear that the agreement was legal, and any changes to it need to be done LEGALLY.

 

If its the latter...its time to make it into the former. So that you can avoid this kind of silliness in the future.

 

Make sense?

[TrustInYourself]

SD, I have to laugh. That's funny. You asked her if she got dumped and she went ballistic! ROFL!

[SingleDad]

Is your parenting plan one that was done up "legally", thru lawyers? Does it have any "teeth" wrapped around violations of the agreement?

 

Owl - the Separation agreement and parenting plan was done through mediation, reviewed my each sides' legal council and formally filed with the county.

 

We have both lived by the plan and have generally been respectful and accomodating of each others' schedule.

 

W called me before lunch again and just said that she just needs D3 Fri nite. I asked if she had any plans for D3 that she needs D3 Fri nite. She said no - she just plans to start potty training her and she she has to work Sunday 2-8 so she is exchanging part of her weekend and wants her.

 

I know something is up - she must have some plans - she wouldn't be so adamant about having her from 6-8 to potty train her - but what can I do about it anyway ? Argue about it ? That will do no good.

[SingleDad]

SD, I have to laugh. That's funny. You asked her if she got dumped and she went ballistic! ROFL!

 

I can't help feeling good about it myself... I'm glad her life isn't working out according to her plan.

 

Yeah - I guess I want her to be happy - but not because of another man in her life.

[Owl]

You can go to the mediators and ask them to include specific handoff times since this now appears to be an issue.

 

If they're not already included in the agreement already.

 

And then you point blank tell your wife that the legal agreement REQUIRES handoffs at xxx time on yyy dates. And that you will honor that...as will she.

 

And frankly...there's no negotiation left from there. Neither of you have the authority to change the agreement. Its in the hand of the mediators.

 

It leaves her no leg to stand on when she's trying to throw a fit about times that way.

 

At this point, I see no probability of reconciliation...so why waste your time and effort in appeasing her?

[TrustInYourself]

Owl - the Separation agreement and parenting plan was done through mediation, reviewed my each sides' legal council and formally filed with the county.

 

We have both lived by the plan and have generally been respectful and accomodating of each others' schedule.

 

W called me before lunch again and just said that she just needs D3 Fri nite. I asked if she had any plans for D3 that she needs D3 Fri nite. She said no - she just plans to start potty training her and she she has to work Sunday 2-8 so she is exchanging part of her weekend and wants her.

 

I know something is up - she must have some plans - she wouldn't be so adamant about having her from 6-8 to potty train her - but what can I do about it anyway ? Argue about it ? That will do no good.

 

I wouldn't be a pushover either. Exchange that time for time in the future. She should be reasonable if you are being reasonable. Right?

 

Potty training from 6-8?? Cmon!!!

[n9688m]

but what can I do about it anyway ? Argue about it ? That will do no good.

 

Ignore it. Her position is absurd.

[dead-dyke]

Seems SD's wife slid into a hard right w/out slowing down for the curve.....

[TrustInYourself]

dead-dyke,

 

Have you ever had Korean BBQ? It's the beez kneez.

[dead-dyke]

No, but I've heard it's swell!!!

[pelicanpreacher]

SD, at this point it is time to check her mouth. You are not her child and are soon to be her ex-husband. You need to inform her sharply, coldy, and emphatically that she will address you with the same respect that you demand of all others in your life or she will see the ugly side of you that you've yet to reveal. If she pushes you then make her sorry she was ever born. It is the only way to get through to someone as arrogant, selfish, and self-absorbed as your stbx.

 

IT'S TIME TO BRING ON THE MEAN SEASON FOR THE KID GLOVES MUST COME OFF!

[TrustInYourself]

SD, at this point it is time to check her mouth. You are not her child and are soon to be her ex-husband. You need to inform her sharply, coldy, and emphatically that she will address you with the same respect that you demand of all others in your life or she will see the ugly side of you that you've yet to reveal. If she pushes you then make her sorry she was ever born. It is the only way to get through to someone as arrogant, selfish, and self-absorbed as your stbx.

 

IT'S TIME TO BRING ON THE MEAN SEASON FOR THE KID GLOVES MUST COME OFF!

 

LOL, Pel. The mean season should have come awhile back. Now, for her to recognize change in SD in that manner, there is going to be conflict.

[pelicanpreacher]

LOL, Pel. The mean season should have come awhile back. Now, for her to recognize change in SD in that manner, there is going to be conflict.

 

Throughout this ordeal SD's been trying to achieve reconcilliation with his stbx so biting his tongue in response to her outburts made sense but the cock has crowed 3 times on this issue and there eventually comes a straw to snap the camel's back! Since reconcilliation has long been lost beyond the realm of distant hope it is nigh time for SD to open up and blast her so harshly that her eyebrows sear off the next time she feels inclined to run her big nasty mouth.

[dead-dyke]

As much as it might make things miserable in the short run for SD, I think Pel is right. When I did this a year ago w/ my ex, it curbed her tendancy to belittle me to non existence. Never happened after that, and I'll tell you what, I never felt so good at that point, than I did throughout the ordeal up to that point, if that makes sense. It gave - no, let me rephrase that - I took my dignity back in that one single conversation.

 

Oh, and TIY, you are right too. I just re-read what you said -

[LovieDove24]

Single Dad....

 

I dont know if you are even reading this thread anymore. I mean, wow is it a long one. And maybe somebody has already said what I am about to say, who knows? I was only able to read a few random pages from your postings.

 

Anyways, you stated somewhere in here that your father was an alcoholic. I too, suffered as a child with two alcoholic parents and because of this, you and I have a similar view when looking at life. We were terribly abandoned as children and this abandonment is reflected in just about everything we do. We are constantly in survival mode because we had to be as a child, it was the only way to make sense of the madness. The problem is that we still have this same "survival mode" mentality as adults and it leads us into a lot of trouble because the rest of the world just doesnt work that way.....believe it or not the world is not as chaotic as the homes we grew up in. Its just not supposed to be so difficult.

 

Anyways, I truly believe we seek out abandonment and chaos from others because it is all we know. It validates the way we feel inside. If we do not begin to "work on" these abandonment issues we will continue down the road of having unhealthy relationships. I can promise you this.

 

I recently was dumped while pregnant. Quite possibly the worst abandonment I've ever felt. When I came out of the fog, I had to question myself and say...if it were not him who dumped me, wouldnt it of been someone else? I always go for emotionally unavailable people.

 

The point of all this is part of your healing may come from attending Al-Anon meetings or ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) meetings. If you pick up a book on the subject, I guarantee you will be spooked. Its like a page for page description of YOU, of US...children who have dealt with alcoholic parent(s). I recently started attending these meetings and it has helped quite a bit.

[pelicanpreacher]

Single Dad....

 

I dont know if you are even reading this thread anymore. I mean, wow is it a long one. And maybe somebody has already said what I am about to say, who knows? I was only able to read a few random pages from your postings.

 

Anyways, you stated somewhere in here that your father was an alcoholic. I too, suffered as a child with two alcoholic parents and because of this, you and I have a similar view when looking at life. We were terribly abandoned as children and this abandonment is reflected in just about everything we do. We are constantly in survival mode because we had to be as a child, it was the only way to make sense of the madness. The problem is that we still have this same "survival mode" mentality as adults and it leads us into a lot of trouble because the rest of the world just doesnt work that way.....believe it or not the world is not as chaotic as the homes we grew up in. Its just not supposed to be so difficult.

 

Anyways, I truly believe we seek out abandonment and chaos from others because it is all we know. It validates the way we feel inside. If we do not begin to "work on" these abandonment issues we will continue down the road of having unhealthy relationships. I can promise you this.

 

I recently was dumped while pregnant. Quite possibly the worst abandonment I've ever felt. When I came out of the fog, I had to question myself and say...if it were not him who dumped me, wouldnt it of been someone else? I always go for emotionally unavailable people.

 

The point of all this is part of your healing may come from attending Al-Anon meetings or ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) meetings. If you pick up a book on the subject, I guarantee you will be spooked. Its like a page for page description of YOU, of US...children who have dealt with alcoholic parent(s). I recently started attending these meetings and it has helped quite a bit.

 

Good post but I think you missed the important ramifications of how his father's suicide affected him. Nevertheless, I think you are on to something for I firmly believe that SD should take time to explore all the horrors of his life that's been locked away in darkness to begin the process of healing and actualizing himself before embarking on any new relationships.

[PWSX3]

Our past has a lot to do with who we are today. I grew up in a good Christian home, with good parents, but with counseling I am learning there were things/tools that I was not shown/given that have a lot to do with what/who I am today, so getting all that junk out of the dark that we have all hid helps a lot.

 

I am finding out I was really good at stuffing my problems, not dealing with them. Life is hard & it is getting harder with everything that is going on.

 

You have been thru a lot and the only thing you can do is work on yourself, then the rest really does start to get easier.