TrustInYourself Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 As painful as this/could be, I believe you're absolutely right. (cat out of the bag moment) - 1.5 mos. after separation, I was in desperation mode, naturally. I had to talk to my wife. I went to our home and caught her w/ the neighbor. This past yr. has been the worst in my existence. But once I found out what I was up against, the whole dynamic had changed. That's when she got mean. There are some days I miss her, but with the passage of time, it's less and less. And now, I wait for her to serve me. I won't say anything derogatory when I do, but she will know she no longer has control over my emotions. Washing my hands. Dissapointed, yes. Mistakes I have made, acknowledged. Her on the other hand won't apologize for 1 thing. I'm happy to hear you are feeling better in such a crappy situation. What's funny is that once you have accepted the end, that's when she will question it. At least initially. I'd be prepared for a long wait on getting served papers for divorce. lol. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 Yes - and not that she has moved out and she finally told me yesterday where she and my daughter live, I may jsut have a chance to find out for sure if there is an OM. All rationale is that yes she must be with OM or at a minimum having the grass is greener mentality... Yet she has always had the highest morals and also expectations and has tested my love before through break-ups only for me to demostonstrate my love and her coming back.... This is by far the extreme and has no intention of ever coming back to me... only time and my independent coping and perseverence over the next 11 months will tell. My wife always had the highest morals and standards too...right up until the day I managed to hack her IM sessions and setup logging...and found her professing her love and desire to be with another man. It happens...to people you'd never suspect would be involved in it. What will have the MOST impact on her right now would be to see you demonstrating CHANGED BEHAVIOR...making changes in yourself and your actions to become a better husband/father/man. To make her REGRET her choice of leaving you by showing her just exactly what she's leaving behind. This is all part of that "plan A" concept I mentioned. At the same time, the "stick" of plan A is making the affair (if there is one) less and less attractive. First you need to find out if that's really what you're up against or not. Have you looked back at her spending history to see if she was spending money on an affair that you didn't realize? Have you looked back at the phone records (cell and home) to see if she's been communicating a lot with a SPECIFIC person or number? Checked computers that she may have used while in the home for any evidence that she's been communicating with someone else? Asked friends/family if they've seen anything unusual? Link to post Share on other sites
dead-dyke Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 I'm happy to hear you are feeling better in such a crappy situation. What's funny is that once you have accepted the end, that's when she will question it. At least initially. I'd be prepared for a long wait on getting served papers for divorce. lol. Thanks, TIY. That thought had crossed my mind, but I have to keep my ego in check. I know she has them ready, as she called my brother and asked if someone would be there so I don't harm myself. AS IF. I'm so glad my brother told her I'm over her. This is why the hesitation I think. But I have been wrong about her in the past. Heh. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 Yes - and not that she has moved out and she finally told me yesterday where she and my daughter live, I may jsut have a chance to find out for sure if there is an OM. Unless you can afford to hire a licensed private investigator, I think you'd be making a HUGE mistake. If she catches you anywhere near her new place, she's in position to brand you as a stalker and put a restraining order on you. Something like that could even affect your child visitation. I agree with Owl that you can't fight what you can't see. But whatever you do... don't get yourself in trouble finding out. Stay away from her place. Have you read Mike1966's thread, btw?... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t125202/?highlight=mike1966 Like you, he was in a situation where his wife wasn't indicating any interest in continuing the marriage. At his last post, he seemed to be fairly content with his situation, even though it didn't resolve in the manner he had first hoped. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 And I agree with LJ (as usual)...which is why the measures I've recommended so far are PASSIVE measures...looking at what happened when she was still at home. Start there...see what you find from that. Then determine if you want to pursue more intrusive measures...and even then there are ways to minimize the risks once you get to a point where you're considering this option. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 Such as...if you can't afford a PI...could you have a trusted friend that your wife DOES NOT KNOW do a drive by her house a few times, rather than going there yourself? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SingleDad Posted July 17, 2008 Author Share Posted July 17, 2008 I considered a PI or CarGPS Tracker back in February when this started, but after learning from my attorney that it wouldn't change custody arrangements or financial settlements, I stopped considering it. The truth will come out some day. I do not know that knowing the truth would change my positions or actions. She will always be my daughter's mother. I can't vision 15 years of being a SingleDad. I will have to be for the next year or probably many years before I consider a new wife and step-mom if ever at all. Why does STBXW view this at the only solution. Seems so much more difficult to pass daughter back and forth between homes, try to start a new life with someone else and always have the Ex and GF/stepmom conflicts. I'd just like to go back to childhood where the issues are much simpler, chocolate or vanilla ? Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 I considered a PI or CarGPS Tracker back in February when this started, but after learning from my attorney that it wouldn't change custody arrangements or financial settlements, I stopped considering it. The truth will come out some day. I do not know that knowing the truth would change my positions or actions. She will always be my daughter's mother. I can't vision 15 years of being a SingleDad. I will have to be for the next year or probably many years before I consider a new wife and step-mom if ever at all. Why does STBXW view this at the only solution. Seems so much more difficult to pass daughter back and forth between homes, try to start a new life with someone else and always have the Ex and GF/stepmom conflicts. I'd just like to go back to childhood where the issues are much simpler, chocolate or vanilla ? I sometimes think that my wife considers her happiness to be essential to our daughter's happiness. My wife thinks that being happy alone is better than unhappy married. She sincerely thinks that our daughter will suffer while she endures a loveless marriage with me. I can see some truth in that. It doesn't have to be that way, but I can't convince her. It's not up to me. Link to post Share on other sites
dead-dyke Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 Check this out: I read on another forum, and dammit, I can't think where it was. - Anyhow, a poster said her father once gave her the best advice she had ever heard. He said, 'everyone in a marriage will not be in love w/ their spouse in at least one pt. in the marriage, but I promise you, if you stick it out, the love will actually return 10 fold'. Link to post Share on other sites
dead-dyke Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 I think he's divorced now...... j/k. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 Haha, that's good advice. I think. LOL. Link to post Share on other sites
HeatherAngel Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 So let me see if I have this right... I should accept that we are not only apart and not communicating, but also that we won't be getting back together... and in this acceptance of divorce, I will find myself stronger and seem more attractive to him. At the same time, I should hold onto my faith that people can change - BOTH of us - and my conviction that we can make this, from scratch, into something better than we had before. I'm sorry - I hope you can see my confusion. I am certainly oscillating between the two. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 Heather, you're not accepting divorce. You're accepting that you have no control over the situation, just the way you handle it and feel about it. I hope that helps. Link to post Share on other sites
dead-dyke Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 Heather, angel, listen. This is only a free group therapy session. You know your sitch better than anyone - people like owl, ladyjane, and the like have been there and back. Most everyone else is looking for support because in the real world, friends and family get tired of hearing it. So basically, we're all confused, and looking for ideas, and experiance from veterans to guide us through. Everyone has a lot invested to just walk. There would be a hell of a lot less people here if our other halves realized this. Just know that some sort of confusion is normal, and runs rampant in here. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 Yeah, next time we should do this group therapy at my house. I got board games and beer. Glorious combination. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 While hiring PI and doing the snooping thing makes for good Saturday night television ~ it really is a bad idea other that to confirm your own sanity. The "acceptance" IMHO is best worded as such, "It was over yesterday, its over today, and it may well be over tomorrow and even for the rest of my life." Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 There should be no bitterness. No anger, no resentment. That is absurd and frankly impossible in many situations. Surely it is nonsense in any divorce involving adultery. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 That is absurd and frankly impossible in many situations. Surely it is nonsense in any divorce involving adultery. That's cause you're weak. You are a slave to your emotions. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 TIY your spitting in the wind, pulling on SuperMans cape,................. Either you've got mental self discipline or you don't. Many people don't have control of their emotions, nor their thoughts, ~ indeed the concept is beyond their conception. (And its very much a leanred skill) Many, simply don't understand the concept of just not thinking about things. I was fortunate in that I"ve been conditioned and trained via the Marines into "Just don't think about it ~ just do it! (or don't do it)" This in it simplicity has turned out to be a major Life skill. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 TIY your spitting in the wind, pulling on SuperMans cape,................. Either you've got mental self discipline or you don't. Many people don't have control of their emotions, nor their thoughts, ~ indeed the concept is beyond their conception. (And its very much a leanred skill) Many, simply don't understand the concept of just not thinking about things. I was fortunate in that I"ve been conditioned and trained via the Marines into "Just don't think about it ~ just do it! (or don't do it)" This in it simplicity has turned out to be a major Life skill. Exactly. Thanks for putting it eloquently. Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 That's cause you're weak. You are a slave to your emotions. It is possible to pretend emotions don't exist - but not to suppress them. Frankly anyone who was truly committed to and in love with a spouse who committed adultery cannot help but feel anger - if the anger isn't there then probably there was no love or commitment to start. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 Its not so much denial nor pretending they don't exsist, as so much as postponing them? Its the root cause of PTSD. Its dealing with the situation at hand ~ without dealing with the emotion of the situation. And it can be emotionally postponed for years before the reality of the situation comes to a head. This can be true for the young kid stuffing his best friends intesntines back in his stomach in Iraq, or for the young Mother of three whose DH just walked out on them. Its all relative? Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 It is possible to pretend emotions don't exist - but not to suppress them. Frankly anyone who was truly committed to and in love with a spouse who committed adultery cannot help but feel anger - if the anger isn't there then probably there was no love or commitment to start. I'll let you rationalize your behavior since it seems to help you cope with your loss. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 It is possible to pretend emotions don't exist - but not to suppress them. Frankly anyone who was truly committed to and in love with a spouse who committed adultery cannot help but feel anger - if the anger isn't there then probably there was no love or commitment to start. That's not entirely true. After a certain amount of time. When a man goes through infidelity he's put through the ringer. and he flips that switch in his head and starts to detach. That is called detachment. You can do it but it has to come from you, you have to be willing to stop caring about her well being and focus on your own and accept what's happening. I did it before and let me tell you. It was the best thing I ever did. It protected my heart from alot of hurt. I was starting to have feelings for her but I just let go and said what's the point of trying to be with someone like this? It can and will happen to a man who is tired of all the BS. Link to post Share on other sites
Nomad1 Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 Anger is a necessary phase after any form of betrayal by people you trusted. It is important to get angry privately if you know what I mean. You do become less angry with time. You have to take the reins and steer your life trajectory into a constructive / positive direction. See this as an opportunity to re-invent yourself. As you start dating new people, you will have new things to think about, you will derive pleasure from the company of new encounters. Be calm, cool and collected. That is where you will derive your strength from, not from anger. Nomad1 Link to post Share on other sites
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