15 year old having boyfriend to stay

[Lishy]

Wow thanks for the advice!

 

Ok to clear a few things up, it is not my daughter (I dont have one) it is my niece and I am so shocked that my sisiter is allowing her daughter to have her boyfriend stay over night after night! (I dont know if they are having sex)

 

I went to her house yesterday and my niece answered the door with a dirty big lovebite on her neck! It made me feel sick and I rang my sister and had a go at her to be honest - I asked this question to see if I was wrong!

 

I have told my sister that she is risking her daughter getting pregnant in her own house and that it would be her fault for condoning it! I told her the one thing that stopped me sleeping around when I was a kid was our mum and that she is not showing her daughter how to respect her!

[LucreziaBorgia]

I don't see how the location makes a difference,

 

It doesn't really. I don't think its about location so much as it is establishing parental authority - the whole "my house, my rules" sort of thing. My parents knew I had sex when I was 15, but they'd be damned if it was under their roof (though I still managed to do it a few times with some creative 'through the window' sneaking around:rolleyes:). Even in my twenties, if I stayed at their house men were not welcome except in the case of long distance college boyfriends who were allowed to stay: but on a different floor. The only time I was able to share a bed with a man in their house was when I was married.

 

I think parents like that aren't ignorant - they just want to make it clear that they don't condone it and won't enable it, passively or otherwise in their own home. In their home, its their rules and values. The mindset being: I am still your parent, and in this house we have rules and values: if you want to violate them, find somewhere else to do it.

[Gwyneth]

I guess my mother is just WAY to trusting...

 

It's all about trust--do you and the other child's parents trust your children? they're going to find a way to sneak around anyway, so at least under your care, you will know what they are up to and when they are up to it. He might be over during the day having sex with your daughter unbeknownst to you.

[blind_otter]

I would not accept it. My parents wouldn't have tolerated it, and neither would I. I think it is inappropriate for people of that age to have sex. I didn't have sex at that age - I was all too aware that I was not emotionally mature enough to handle the consequences of intercourse.

 

IMO you should not have sex until you are capable of dealing with the consequences - STDs/pregnancy.

 

I agree with LB's assessment - in my home it is my values and my rules. Once they move out they can do whatever they want.

[Gwyneth]

Who said they're going to have sex? They just want to spend the night in the same house. They might not even be ready for sex. They're young still.

[nittygritty]

I guess my mother is just WAY to trusting...

 

It's all about trust--do you and the other child's parents trust your children? they're going to find a way to sneak around anyway, so at least under your care, you will know what they are up to and when they are up to it. He might be over during the day having sex with your daughter unbeknownst to you.

 

I don't know how old you are but birth control fails.

 

Its much easier to trust your teenager when you know what they're not doing rather than just trust that they're doing it right.

 

I love my daughter too much to let her ruin her life at 15 years old or 16,17,18, etc...

[SeraBella]

Who said they're going to have sex? They just want to spend the night in the same house. They might not even be ready for sex. They're young still.

 

 

Maybe they do just want to spend the night in the same house...doesn't mean they should get everything they want.

 

What if they want to drink, or use drugs...should a parent just say "Ok" to that?

 

Parents are supposed to guide their children to make healthy decisions, and parents are supposed to step in and determine what is appropriate.

 

Let them wait a few years until they are independent adults and they can make whatever decision they so choose.

[bentnotbroken]

Hell, my daughter wants a new car, she isn't getting it, I am the parent. I don't parent based on what is poplular, what she wants, or what she thinks is important for her life at this stage. That is the job God entrusted to me. I have no intention of saying, you are probably going to do it anyway, so do it under my roof. That's crap. I have a 21 year old, who I know has a drink. But he cannot have that drink in my home. He has called and said that he was going to stay over or could I come get him, because he has been drinking. He has honored my request because he knows I love him.That is the way I intend to deal with his sister. Good, bad or otherwise.

[Trialbyfire]

Consider me naive, in that I don't have any experience being a parent, but enabling someone to exceed their abilities to handle the consequences of adult-style responsibilities, doesn't make you a good parent.

 

While you know, more than likely, they've already experimented with matters associated to their raging hormones, you, as a parent, don't have to be their best buddy and allow it to happen on your home turf.

 

To me, a good parent is a reasonable parent but one who isn't afraid to stand their ground, when it's of matters of consequence. If you're always rolling over, you'll find little respect coming your way while the reverse of this is, stand your ground over every little thing, and you're asking for open or passive rebellion. In either extreme, you're also not providing a good role-model, for their future relationships.

 

In this situation, I would reason with them, in that there's no need to have him sleep over. If push comes to shove, shut it down.

[Arch]

It doesn't really. I don't think its about location so much as it is establishing parental authority - the whole "my house, my rules" sort of thing. My parents knew I had sex when I was 15, but they'd be damned if it was under their roof (though I still managed to do it a few times with some creative 'through the window' sneaking around:rolleyes:). Even in my twenties, if I stayed at their house men were not welcome except in the case of long distance college boyfriends who were allowed to stay: but on a different floor. The only time I was able to share a bed with a man in their house was when I was married.

 

I think parents like that aren't ignorant - they just want to make it clear that they don't condone it and won't enable it, passively or otherwise in their own home. In their home, its their rules and values. The mindset being: I am still your parent, and in this house we have rules and values: if you want to violate them, find somewhere else to do it.

 

First it was about sex and now you have transfered the issue to being a power struggle, I don't get it.

[LucreziaBorgia]

First it was about sex and now you have transfered the issue to being a power struggle, I don't get it.

 

I'm not sure what you aren't getting.

[Arch]

I'm not sure what you aren't getting.

 

Initially the post was asking about her kids boyfriend staying the night, then it got turned into a discussion about teenage sex which morphed into a thread about how she has to dominate her daugther and that shes in control.

 

The whole thing is kind of funny, I can only say that in reality you have very little control of what your kids do. You can try to give yourself a sense of control but in reality it dose not exist.

 

If her daughter and the boyfriend want to boink its not going to matter if he stays or not, so the real issue is denial about the whole situation and keeping a false sense of control.

[Arch]

While the bolded part is true, with some exceptions, are you seriously saying you'd give your kids free rein to f in your house at that young an age? If so, I would hasten thyself to parenting classes pronto!

 

They never asked to have sex in the house, they asked to have the boyfriend stay the night, their is a difference.

[Arch]

...until your eyes close for the night.

 

So again what I said holds true, denial. If they want to have intercourse then they are going to, you just don't want to think about, correct?

[Arch]

No. Like I said in a prior post, if they're gonna do it, they will find a way. But if you're going to purposely put them together for the entire night under your roof, it's like saying, "Go ahead and do it with my blessing." Huge difference. I also advised a frank discussion with the daughter regarding BC of some sort. My daughter and I have that kind of relationship where she came to me when it was time, and I did take her to the doctor where lots of discussion took place surrounding options. Her and I also talked about doing it v. not doing it, and I was fully aware that, regardless of what I said, she had her own mind and would do what she felt was right for her. You can't put a chastity belt on a gal in this day and age, but you can provide them with all the knowledge you have at your disposal to make the best choice possible. You do NOT, however, have to provide the playground!

 

But thats my point, I fail to see why the location matters. I don't see why you would rather have them "do it" some place else then within your house.

 

Since they are going to be having sex anyway, it might as well be a enjoyable experience, not some cramped place like a car or in a bathroom stall.

[whichwayisup]

They never asked to have sex in the house, they asked to have the boyfriend stay the night, their is a difference.

 

No, but letting him stay the night is just inviting "it" to happen. Ofcourse they didn't "ask"! duh.

[Arch]

No, but letting him stay the night is just inviting "it" to happen. Ofcourse they didn't "ask"! duh.

 

"it" is going to happen with or without him staying the night.

[Meaplus3]

Do you think it is wise to allow your 15 year old daughters boyfriend to stay the night even if it is on the sofa, but the sofa is in the room next to your daughter and you are asleep on the floor above?

 

I would have to say no. I think by allowing this to start it could become a habit and if something does not happen between them the first time.. it eventually will, because they are teenagers. Why even risk allowing that to occur in your own home. Best of luck.

 

AP:)

[Arch]

Because my advice is NOT to do it that young. Why would I then make it easy for her to do it anyway? That would be like a cop telling someone not to smoke pot, but then rolling the joint up, lighting it, and sticking it in their mouth.

 

So you would rather have her have sex at her age in a uncomfrotable place then have sex in a comfortable place?

 

That doesn't make sense.

 

As a side note - small amounts of weed no one cares about, "cops" will say don't do it for the sake of being police, but in reality they don't really care.

[Touche]

Well, lemme light up the scented candles, put on the mood music, and just let them have the house to themselves then. Better yet, I'll get them a hotel room with a hot tub so it will be really memorable!

 

Too funny!

 

Arch and I have gotten into it before on this subject. Just way until he's a parent. He'll change his views, I'm sure. I hope so for his kids' sake anyway.

 

And for the record, I'll go with most on here and say no. I wouldn't allow it. I'm not going to make it "comfortable" for them. If they're going to do it anyway, let it be in the cramped car then. Maybe they'll think twice about trying it again if it's that uncomfortable!

[Arch]

Well, lemme light up the scented candles, put on the mood music, and just let them have the house to themselves then. Better yet, I'll get them a hotel room with a hot tub so it will be really memorable!

 

Thats not appropriate either because you are taking extra time to induce sexual activity.

 

I say let him stay the night, if him and your daugther want to boink then its irrelevant as to if he stays at your house or not.

 

Worst case they do what they are already doing, best case they do nothing and are happy they spent time with each other.

 

I don't see much difference either way.

[Meaplus3]

Thats not appropriate either because you are taking extra time to induce sexual activity.

 

I say let him stay the night, if him and your daugther want to boink then its irrelevant as to if he stays at your house or not.

 

Worst case they do what they are already doing, best case they do nothing and are happy they spent time with each other.

 

I don't see much difference either way.

 

This is simply not true. By setting the stage and allowing the two of them to be together sends a certain message and I believe its the wrong message. I guess my children are not going to like me much when they reach the teenage years.

 

AP:)

[Touche]

This is simply not true. By setting the stage and allowing the two of them to be together sends a certain message and I believe its the wrong message. I guess my children are not going to like me much when they reach the teenage years.

 

AP:)

 

And guess what? I strongly believe that if your kids actually like you when they're teenagers, then you're not a very good parent. I'm serious. So you're obviously an excellent mom.

 

And yeah, sameold I echo your sentiment:rolleyes: haha

[Arch]

He has no kids? No wonder.

 

I don't need kids to know whats going on considering I was within that age range a couple years ago.

 

I just find this whole discussion so laughable, the most controlling parents always had the most promiscuous daughters.

 

Do what you want, its your kid but don't try to teach her to hide the fact that shes having sex - that leads to irresponsible sex which means STDs and pregnancy.

[Meaplus3]

And guess what? I strongly believe that if your kids actually like you when they're teenagers, then you're not a very good parent. I'm serious. So you're obviously an excellent mom.

 

And yeah, sameold I echo your sentiment:rolleyes: haha

 

Thanks Touche and your are too.

 

AP:)