Fiancees Past haunts me to no ends. Driving me crazy!

[genki]

genki,

 

 

And let me tell you something else, you are much better off finding a woman who knows who she is and what she wants. Most of those women have had sex before and that is a good thing. If you catch a girl too young then a few years down the road she will stand there one day and look at you and say...

 

"you know what? I think I might have missed something.. I need to go out and experience life."

 

 

Pray tell whats to stop me from doing the same too? And life isnt about sleeping around or having multiple partners etc

[Leia]

Pray tell whats to stop me from doing the same too? And life isnt about sleeping around or having multiple partners etc

 

Pray tell what??

[huh]

I really don't think he lacks maturity because he won't forgive and forget.

 

Despite human fallibility we never stop bearing responsibility for our actions. That means that other people have the right to decide for themselves whether or not to accept and forgive our past mistakes.

 

Genki obviously considers premarital sex to be unacceptable. While I don't share his opinion, I don't see anything wrong about it. And if he feels that strongly about it, he has every right to end the relationship instead of forgiving and thereby acting contrary to his convictions.

 

Nope, he lacks maturity because he's unwilling to let her go after he's judged her & found her morally inferior to him.

 

Genki, comparing consensual sex acts to things like rape/child molestation is beyond ridiculous. If you prefer not to engage in certain sexual acts, that's your business. If you prefer a partner who hasn't that's your business. But if consenting, unattached adults want to have sex or drink (as long as they're not driving & they're not alcoholics), then what business is it of yours? Quite frankly, what you're doing to your girlfriend (questioning her about the rape & generally judging her as inferior to you) is worse than 2 consenting adults having sex. They aren't harming anyone. You on the other hand, are seriously messing her head up.

[Leia]

Nope, he lacks maturity because he's unwilling to let her go after he's judged her & found her morally inferior to him.

 

Genki, comparing consensual sex acts to things like rape/child molestation is beyond ridiculous. If you prefer not to engage in certain sexual acts, that's your business. If you prefer a partner who hasn't that's your business. But if consenting, unattached adults want to have sex or drink (as long as they're not driving & they're not alcoholics), then what business is it of yours? Quite frankly, what you're doing to your girlfriend (questioning her about the rape & generally judging her as inferior to you) is worse than 2 consenting adults having sex. They aren't harming anyone. You on the other hand, are seriously messing her head up.

 

I think he has a BIGGER issue than his so called girlfriend. I am lost... not sure if he is still with her or not.... I didn't bother to read every page because this whole thing is just way too long-winded and sickening.

[Stockalone]

Nope, he lacks maturity because he's unwilling to let her go after he's judged her & found her morally inferior to him.

 

 

I was responding to a post which basically told genki that he has to unconditionally accept past behaviour as it is none of his business. I don't agree with that, so I responded.

 

That's why I wrote that he has the right to end the relationship if he considers the other persons past behaviour was unacceptable. I do not condone staying in a relationship with a person he seems to resent because of her past and constantly bringing it up thus making the poor girl feel awful.

[genki]

slight change here but what would you do to said rapist? would you let him walk free to get on with his life having done what he did? you know who he is and where too.

 

What if the girl wanted you to get back at him or maybe didnt want you to(for your sake) what would you do?

[Tripper]

What the **** do you know about me in real life? How good or decent a person I am you wouldnt know so how can you judge my worth you judgemental prick!

 

Very good, Genki.. let's get down to name calling. That's really mature. What do I know about you? From the litany of posts you put out, you've painted a picture of yourself. If you bothered to read the responses other people posted you might get an idea of what, not only I, but others think of you. FYI I served in the military and fought for what I believed in, as did my father and his father. But that was a long time ago and I don't want to digress...

 

You are saying its perfectly human for you to go around drinking, partying, stripping, ****ing, watching porn etc and its all in the past so whocares right? Then what about what me and others like me with decent blood in them that didnt do all that not because they couldnt or didnt have urges or chances but chose not to? You now think you have a right on us to demand forgiveness for a sordid past you chose where you gave into everything whereas we fought hard not to? Nah ah. sorry.

 

Quite frankly, I don't think you have the intellectual or emotional capacity to even deal with this. For you it's either your a virgin or you are sordid peson with carnal desires. You still haven't responded to the questions asked about where you got this idea??

 

 

How do you figure that I aint the best man she would ever meet? How do you know anything? YOU DONT! So get of your high horse and get back to reality.

 

Hahahahah... I'm on a high horse?? hahah , you're too much. How do I figure you're not the best man she would meet?... Jeez, man... read your own posts!! Being a virgin doesn't qualify you for sainthood. You can't get past the issue of her "non-virginity". If you remain with her this will always be an issue for you.

 

Everybody has a limit to their forgiveness. WOuld you forgive a rapist? Would you forgive a child molestor? How far would someone need to push till you refuse to forgive?

 

There is a big, big distinction between forgiving someone who has made a mistake in their own life affecting themselves, as your gf did when she slept with a couple of guys (if it was a mistake on her part. Maybe she wanted to have sex) and the actions of a rapist or child molester who inflict pain on another individual. This distinction, I would think is quite obvious.

 

So what's the bottom line, Genki? You can't deal with her past. You are in some kind of miserable present filled with anguish. What the heck kind of a future do you think you're going to have with this woman?

[Tripper]

Screwy 'net connection didn't show that my original post was uploaded. Sorry guys.

[genki]

I of all people am aware of the anguish Im in but thanks for pointing it out.

 

So given the same circumstances what would you do about things? Given you know 100% the 1st guy raped her forcibly and it wasnt consensual? What would you do?

[Tripper]

slight change here but what would you do to said rapist? would you let him walk free to get on with his life having done what he did? you know who he is and where too.

 

What if the girl wanted you to get back at him or maybe didnt want you to(for your sake) what would you do?

 

Do you know for a fact it was rape? Can you prove it?? In a court of law.

The legal system, in many cases, fails the rape victim.

 

And it's not about what you want to do. It's what the victim wants to do.

[genki]

Do you know for a fact it was rape? Can you prove it?? In a court of law.

The legal system, in many cases, fails the rape victim.

 

And it's not about what you want to do. It's what the victim wants to do.

 

Obviously few years later it would be impossible and had it even been reported then probably would not get prosecuted very far. Rape victims get the short end of the stick all the time.

 

The victim lets assume wants YOU to get back at him/her then what do you do?

 

Now lets assume the Victim doesnt want you to do anything or wants you to but is worried for you. Now what?

[Tripper]

I really don't think he lacks maturity because he won't forgive and forget.

 

Despite human fallibility we never stop bearing responsibility for our actions. That means that other people have the right to decide for themselves whether or not to accept and forgive our past mistakes.

 

Genki obviously considers premarital sex to be unacceptable. While I don't share his opinion, I don't see anything wrong about it. And if he feels that strongly about it, he has every right to end the relationship instead of forgiving and thereby acting contrary to his convictions.

 

I don't know if you've read all of Genki's posts, Stockalone, but it seems the "non-virginity/pre-marital" sex issue is a deal breaker for him, yet he won't end the relationship.

[Tripper]

Obviously few years later it would be impossible and had it even been reported then probably would not get prosecuted very far. Rape victims get the short end of the stick all the time.

 

The victim lets assume wants YOU to get back at him/her then what do you do?

 

Now lets assume the Victim doesnt want you to do anything or wants you to but is worried for you. Now what?

 

Either way, if you decide to be judge, jury and executioner, and beat the crap out of him (as you indicated in earlier posts) you become no better than the animal that he is. You don't wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.

And, for arguments sake, let's say you act on your anger and rough this guy up, then what?? Does everything go back to normal??

Frustrating as it may be, in many rape cases the victim is powerless. However I believe in karma. Sooner or later he'll get his.

[genki]

Either way, if you decide to be judge, jury and executioner, and beat the crap out of him (as you indicated in earlier posts) you become no better than the animal that he is. You don't wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.

And, for arguments sake, let's say you act on your anger and rough this guy up, then what?? Does everything go back to normal??

Frustrating as it may be, in many rape cases the victim is powerless. However I believe in karma. Sooner or later he'll get his.

 

 

Your point is taken. And no nothing goes back to normal but I can almost gaurantee were it not for this guy she wouldnt have done any of the other things she has done either. But can you seriously just sit back knowing that this sweet caring kind sensitive girl was raped by such an animal and that hes roaming around free and happy with himself and maybe even having raped others? Can you just sit back and wait for karma god whatever to dispense some justice? Whilst this girl is sitting in front of you crying her eyes out as to what this prick did to her yet youd still just wait for karma?

[Tripper]

Your point is taken. And no nothing goes back to normal but I can almost gaurantee were it not for this guy she wouldnt have done any of the other things she has done either. But can you seriously just sit back knowing that this sweet caring kind sensitive girl was raped by such an animal and that hes roaming around free and happy with himself and maybe even having raped others? Can you just sit back and wait for karma god whatever to dispense some justice? Whilst this girl is sitting in front of you crying her eyes out as to what this prick did to her yet youd still just wait for karma?

 

My priority would be to get support and therapy for the victim.

Then have her file charges and drag his a$$ through the legal system. You may not win, but he gets dragged through an embarrassing public process.

[Sean0775]

Your point is taken. And no nothing goes back to normal but I can almost gaurantee were it not for this guy she wouldnt have done any of the other things she has done either. But can you seriously just sit back knowing that this sweet caring kind sensitive girl was raped by such an animal and that hes roaming around free and happy with himself and maybe even having raped others? Can you just sit back and wait for karma god whatever to dispense some justice? Whilst this girl is sitting in front of you crying her eyes out as to what this prick did to her yet youd still just wait for karma?

And this is called the "Knight in Shining Armor" complex. Vigilante justice doesn't work in todays world. If you lay a hand on this guy for whatever reason, the law is not on your side. He could have been prosecuted, but she chose not to report it. That doesn't make what happened right, but it's over, nothing can be done now. If you live your whole life dwelling on the past, you're going to grow old as an angry, bitter man who can't enjoy life.

 

With every post you make it more clear that you and this girl should not be together anymore. You claim to love her, yet you rant on and on about how you can't forgive and forget her past. You need to break off this relationship so you can both move on with your lives. The sensationalist ranting makes you look far more like a first year drama student than a loving boyfriend, so why not let her find someone that can actually fill that latter role.

[Stockalone]

I don't know if you've read all of Genki's posts, Stockalone, but it seems the "non-virginity/pre-marital" sex issue is a deal breaker for him, yet he won't end the relationship.

 

Yes, I read his latest posts. As I have written in another post, I do not condone staying in a relationship with a person he seems to resent because of her past and constantly bringing it up thus making the poor girl feel awful.

 

However, I felt genki was somehow attacked for the wrong reasons. If virginity is a must for him and premerital sex is a deal breaker for him, that is his prerogative. Having deal breakers IMHO doesn't equal immaturity or a lack of sympathy.

 

He seems to struggle, now that his beliefs are put to the test while he is already in a commited relationship instead of being able to deal with them beforehand. Will the fact that his fiancee isn't a virgin and the that she lied about it ultimately outweigh any redeeming quality she possesses? If premarital sex is a deal breaker, and to me it seems obvious that it is, the answer to this question would be yes.

 

From his statements, I figure he still isn't sure whether or not leaving her is the right thing to do because it may appear to be cold-hearted and a part of him really wants to continue to love his fiancee. What he has to realize is that things won't get any better if he really feels that strongly about premarital sex and the fact that his fiancee isn't a virgin anymore. At least for me, those feelings of contempt/resentment don't go away, they tend to grow over time. I can no longer look at the other person and feel the same way as before the deal breaker came into play. That's when it's time for me to walk away.

[WitchyLady]

Genki,

 

No offense, but after reading a lot of your posts I'd have to say that your GF is about as safe with you as she would be with her rapist. I really hope all this is made up and that you are just trolling here because I can't imagine anyone really loving someone and treating them the way you are now. Her past is her business, and frankly you sound as dangerous to her as her rapist! Seriously, what you are doing to her is nothing less than emotional abuse, the mental counterpart to the physical abuse she has already suffered. You are jealous. You are controlling, and what you are feeling for her certainly isn't love. You want to OWN this girl and make HER pay for everything you see as "bad' in her past. You may sympathize with her, but not enough to accept her and to move on and just love her. You don't even want justice, you just want a chance to hurt this guy for what you perceive as his mistake in touching "your" property and spoiling it for you.

 

Do this gal a favor and let her go.

 

She deserves better than this.

 

She deserves better than to be manipulated and used by you too.

[lovelorcet]

Genki,

 

No offense, but after reading a lot of your posts I'd have to say that your GF is about as safe with you as she would be with her rapist. I really hope all this is made up and that you are just trolling here because I can't imagine anyone really loving someone and treating them the way you are now. Her past is her business, and frankly you sound as dangerous to her as her rapist! Seriously, what you are doing to her is nothing less than emotional abuse, the mental counterpart to the physical abuse she has already suffered. You are jealous. You are controlling, and what you are feeling for her certainly isn't love. You want to OWN this girl and make HER pay for everything you see as "bad' in her past. You may sympathize with her, but not enough to accept her and to move on and just love her. You don't even want justice, you just want a chance to hurt this guy for what you perceive as his mistake in touching "your" property and spoiling it for you.

 

Do this gal a favor and let her go.

 

She deserves better than this.

 

She deserves better than to be manipulated and used by you too.

 

 

Great Post!

[Tripper]

However, I felt genki was somehow attacked for the wrong reasons. If virginity is a must for him and premerital sex is a deal breaker for him, that is his prerogative. Having deal breakers IMHO doesn't equal immaturity or a lack of sympathy..

m

 

If you go back to his original post the first paragraph reads:

 

8 Months back I met this girl(japanese) in japan. We were friends and then we started going out. Everything was great till 3-4months in I asked her how many guys shes had and she told me shed slept with 2 guys. All along I had played this game where I let her think I had slept around before.

 

He started his relationship by playing a head game with her. Later he back peddled and said he allowed her to make the assumption that he slept around.

Four months into the relationship he then asks about her sexual past and doesn't like the answer. He then further continues to probe for details.

 

And as witchylady pointed out:

 

You are jealous. You are controlling, and what you are feeling for her certainly isn't love. You want to OWN this girl and make HER pay for everything you see as "bad' in her past. You may sympathize with her, but not enough to accept her and to move on and just love her. You don't even want justice, you just want a chance to hurt this guy for what you perceive as his mistake in touching "your" property and spoiling it for you.

 

I have to agree with WL.

 

Even tho' the majority of posters to this thread have given the same advice, Genki ignores it continuously defending his position. I get the sense that he simply wants someone to say "yes, Genki, you're right. You have a right to your disgust, lack of understanding and compassion and anger".

 

I simply can't do that because his gf is a human being, not his property and he's turned the issue into a pissing contest about his feelings when perhaps he should have asked how to help his gf get over HER pain.

[jcster]

You guys - the OP is getting angrier and agrier with every post. Should we be pushing him like this? He's still with his girlfriend (and obviously NOT taking his medication) - I'm bowing out for her sake.

[genki]

Yes, I read his latest posts. As I have written in another post, I do not condone staying in a relationship with a person he seems to resent because of her past and constantly bringing it up thus making the poor girl feel awful.

 

However, I felt genki was somehow attacked for the wrong reasons. If virginity is a must for him and premerital sex is a deal breaker for him, that is his prerogative. Having deal breakers IMHO doesn't equal immaturity or a lack of sympathy.

 

He seems to struggle, now that his beliefs are put to the test while he is already in a commited relationship instead of being able to deal with them beforehand. Will the fact that his fiancee isn't a virgin and the that she lied about it ultimately outweigh any redeeming quality she possesses? If premarital sex is a deal breaker, and to me it seems obvious that it is, the answer to this question would be yes.

 

From his statements, I figure he still isn't sure whether or not leaving her is the right thing to do because it may appear to be cold-hearted and a part of him really wants to continue to love his fiancee. What he has to realize is that things won't get any better if he really feels that strongly about premarital sex and the fact that his fiancee isn't a virgin anymore. At least for me, those feelings of contempt/resentment don't go away, they tend to grow over time. I can no longer look at the other person and feel the same way as before the deal breaker came into play. That's when it's time for me to walk away.

 

Exactly!

 

Had I known for sure that walking away was the right thing to do then I would have but I am not sure. By walking away me and her potentially have a lot to lose and I could be making the biggest mistake and something I might regret. It would also cause her serious pain and more emotional scarring and baggage and I doubt shed ever open up to a man again not to mention what she might do. She would feel rejected, unwanted and useless and maybe dirty just like she had before meeting me. I reallllllly dont want to hurt her. She is the only 1 I chose to open up to and as such means a lot to me.

A large part of me still wants to be with her reminded of her smile, her eyes, bright face, loyality, dedication, care, sadness, all we have been through and when I think of our future together I suddenly feel happy and sometimes catch myself smiling and looking so forward to it and similar feelings when I see photos of us together. Then sometimes I find myself resenting the lies, the spin on things, what she herself put herself through, premartial sex and that others have done things to her and that I am not anything special.

 

I really am in anguish and confused but I have totally stopped questioning anything anymore and have taken timeout to try and decide what to do. I know she doesnt want me to leave her and I know she wont leave on her own which means I would have to dump her which would totally wreck her.

 

Had I really hated her and resented her 100% I could have walked away but I cant bring myself to do that either. This is driving me crazy.

 

As of right now im focused on deciding what to do about the POS scumbag.

[lovelorcet]

You have some serious issue man. The more I read what you write the more I feel you are seriously DANGEROUS.

 

Leave this girl alone and go and get your head straighten out.

[Stockalone]

Exactly!

 

Had I known for sure that walking away was the right thing to do then I would have but I am not sure. By walking away me and her potentially have a lot to lose and I could be making the biggest mistake and something I might regret.

 

How long have you been struggling with your decision whether or not to stay with her?

 

Being confused immediately after you found out is understandable and normal. Dwelling on or even obsessing (which is what you seem to be doing) about it for weeks or even months(?) becomes a threat to your sanity and an even bigger risk so for the girl that has reveiled her past to you and has put her future in your hands.

 

You are already seeing a therapist. Does your fiancee have a therapist to talk to or isn't she involved at all in the process?

 

 

 

It would also cause her serious pain and more emotional scarring and baggage and I doubt shed ever open up to a man again not to mention what she might do. She would feel rejected, unwanted and useless and maybe dirty just like she had before meeting me. I reallllllly dont want to hurt her. She is the only 1 I chose to open up to and as such means a lot to me.

 

 

First of all, I have no experience in dealing with rape victims. There are support groups and organizations that can provide help. Also, if you are already seeing a therapist, I am sure you can either get help from him/her or at least your therapist could refer you to someone who can help. That way, you could probably find out whether or not pressing charges against the rapist is the best choice (if it is even still possible at this time) or if reliving the memory might be too painful for your fiancee. Please seek professional help on this since you already made her tell you about it and thus have unsettled her already.

 

 

 

A large part of me still wants to be with her reminded of her smile, her eyes, bright face, loyality, dedication, care, sadness, all we have been through and when I think of our future together I suddenly feel happy and sometimes catch myself smiling and looking so forward to it and similar feelings when I see photos of us together. Then sometimes I find myself resenting the lies, the spin on things, what she herself put herself through, premartial sex and that others have done things to her and that I am not anything special.

 

 

I don't know how to say this any other way and a lot of people have told you this already. You are already hurting her tremendously!

 

I don't know what exactly you said to her but you really can't string her along for maybe weeks while a part of you is thinking about how the thought of her having sex with other people disgusts you, how you see her as a slut.

 

Even if you haven't said those things to her directly, you can bet that you are giving off signs she will pick up. You are currently so caught up in your own problems that you can't possibly be giving her what she needs. And even if you try to do the right things, she will be able to sense that it is bothering you.

 

There is also one very important thing you have to bear in mind. It is your right to consider past actions to be a mistake, wrong, immoral, slutty, etc., and nobody can force you to forgive and forget about them. If you feel you can't or won't put up with them, there is nothing wrong with walking away.

 

However, you have no right to punish your fiancee by messing with her head (testing her), telling her again and again what she did wrong in your opinion, urge her to tell you stuff she is uncomfortable with like how many times she did it with a guy or in what position she did it.

 

I am not saying you shouldn't be allowed to ask questions like how many guys she slept with (yeah, I might get some heat for that but I ask that question myself) but you aren't entitled to an answer.

 

 

I really am in anguish and confused but I have totally stopped questioning anything anymore and have taken timeout to try and decide what to do. I know she doesnt want me to leave her and I know she wont leave on her own which means I would have to dump her which would totally wreck her.

 

Unfortunately there is no easy way out of this. Each decision will result in pain and suffering. With all the information you have pried out of her she must be terrified to finally find out what you think of her. And all those images in your head about her previous sex life are more than disturbing.

 

The only responsible thing to do now is to come to a decision and fast. You can't let this go any further. From what you have posted so far, I fear that you already have made up your mind a long time ago even if you can't admit it to yourself.

 

Honestly, I don't think you can really get over the whole sex thing. I don't want to sound mean, but people with very strong convictions tend to be lees sympathetic towards those who fail to meet a certain standard. In most cases it isn't by choice but it simply is the way things are. I have certain deal breakers myself where I will never be able to compromise. Disregarding those convictions will only make things worse, I wouldn't be happy and thus couldn't possibly make the woman I am with happy.

 

 

 

Had I really hated her and resented her 100% I could have walked away but I cant bring myself to do that either. This is driving me crazy.

 

As of right now im focused on deciding what to do about the POS scumbag.

 

As for the scumbag, there is a vindictive part in me that will tell you that is O.K. to have such urges as long as you realize that acting on them is not the way to go. In no way is it fair that he may get away with raping someone but it is necessary to let the puishment be handed out by the courts. It's like it always is in life, the people who are playing by the rules are at a disadvantage but being the better person usually comes at a price.

 

I am afraid that life doesn't always work that way. There is no hating her 100% or loving her 100%. I have never been engaged or even married but I can tell you that dealing with only black and white is easy. The grey areas are those parts where our moral and ethical beliefs are really tested. There will be times where all alternatives seem like the wrong choice. You are facing one of those situations right now if your fiancee still wants you and you have to decide where the relationship is going. Either way you will have to deal with pain and also trust issues. Whether it is leaving your fiancee and thus hurting mainly her in the short run in hopes in the long run things will work out better for her, or if you chose to stay and try to work things out. If you want to stay, you have to be certain that you are willing to work on yourself and be prepared to compromise.

 

Even though a lot of people have given you advice, you have to remember that nobody can make that decision for you.

[genki]

Thats it. She broke the last pieces of trust I had in her and revealed that yet again she had lied about a lot of other things.

 

I cant do this any longer. I have had it. Though This was driving me insane I had stayed trying to still believe in her and be there for her and believe in the good in her but the camels back is broken.

 

Maybe this is in anger. Maybe. But yet again she had lied to me and concealed the truth and had put a spin on things and more lies.

 

I deserve better than her and she deserves whatever she gets.