Fiancees Past haunts me to no ends. Driving me crazy!

[Cobra_X30]

If he wasn't using his ideals to look down on others, I would have no problem with his views. I would be a lot more empathetic towards a person who had these values and didn't feel anyone who didn't share their conviction was trash.

As for why you empathize with his views......I don't really care. You did say it was because of what you've been through presumably by not living up to his standards either. But instead of thinking of yourself as low, you are jaded against others. I don't care about you having this issue either. Your burden; not mine. I hold myself responsible for my actions and not others. Maybe that is why I'm not willing to start lumping people into piles of the good vs the bad.

I will however, empathize for the future ex Mrs. Cobra you have prepared your whole life to divorce.

 

Ughh.... do you even bother to read what I type or does it just fly over your head?

 

The guy isnt looking down on you so much as bieng defensive cause your attacking his belief system! The issue he is having with his fiance is that she LIED to him about sharing that belief system... then he FELL IN LOVE! Now he finds out the truth and is frustrated because he Doesnt Want To Hurt Her By Walking Away!

 

I dont share Genki's belief system... never have, never will! I said I understand it, and I know it isnt something that can work for everyone... me included.

 

However, unlike you I'm not going to attack him and look down on him for believing what he does!

[Lyssa]

I think your catching onto a good point here! I dont think she understood that guys like Genki are out there!

 

See this girl WANTS to tell Genki the truth, however she is going to spin it to make him feel better. So, she will tell him that these guys were losers. Shoot maybe she really like them, but she will only emphasize thier bad traits, because she wants Genki to feel special.

 

I guess in some ways, yes she wants Genki to feel special. I just don't agree with her spinning it... it only makes it sound even worse!

 

However, unlike you I'm not going to attack him and look down on him for believing what he does!

 

I'm with you on that. I don't see the point of attacking anyone.

[amerikajin]

Im also curious why wont she give me that 1st guy who ruined her life's name or address or info on him?

 

I would go and smash his face in and show him how it feels to be raped but she isnt disclosing it and blame herself too. Either way scum like that should get it coming to them because i wonder which other poor woman hes done that too.

 

If only she would give me his info I would beat the living **** out of him but she knows I would and says she wants to forget it happened and doesnt want me to kill him or something.

 

I don't understand the point of all this. Through your writings it's obvious you have absolutely no respect for your "fiancee", and yet it seems like you're asking us if you're justified in being upset about her past. You can't marry someone you can't respect. That's your bottom line.

 

Maybe one reason she doesn't want to name names is because maybe it didn't happen at all. I'm not saying it didn't, but it's a possibility (I mean she did lie about the other stuff, right?). I tend to believe it would have the opposite effect, but I'm no expert on the issue. But personally, I think she's got experience because she quite likes sex. Who knows...maybe she's embellishing her accounts as a way of putting pressure on you to have sex with her.

 

Whatever, I think you need to decide what you want. It's all on you, man. You can put this on her if you want, but at least she's giving you fair warning about what she's done. It's for you to accept and move on or to decide enough's enough.

[jcster]

The issue he is having with his fiance is that she LIED to him about sharing that belief system... then he FELL IN LOVE! Now he finds out the truth and is frustrated because he Doesnt Want To Hurt Her By Walking Away!

 

Far better to hurt her by walking away than crushing her by being a self satisfied pr*ck. She lied because she didn't have any other choice. This guy is a psycho.

[amerikajin]

There are also cultural differences to take into account. It's entirely possible that she regarded lying to him as a good thing, not only for herself but also for him. Maybe she thought he would be better served by not having to be so wound up over something like this. I know that this view of the "truth" is not so readily accepted in the West, particularly those societies influenced by religion in which truth is more absolute. But Japan is an entirely different country, and last time I looked...it was you who was on her turf, not the other way around. For someone living in a foreign country, you're showing a complete lack of flexibility.

 

I've since read a few more of your posts, genki. I get the sense that you see yourself as some sort of moral high-grounder or something. It's like you're convinced that it is your divine mission to "save" her and anytime she does something you don't agree with, you get this palpable rage. You don't respect your "fiancee" at all, and yet you're pretending to be in love with her. Who's being straight here? Is this about her or is this about your sense of ego?

[justpassingthrough]

How does one become a distance-"loser"? You don't even know these guys - AT ALL - but each one is a "loser." And, lo and behold!, one of these anonymous "losers" is someone who, by your judge and jury, in some twisted way, should be beat up? His face smashed in? Becaise YOU don't approve of something he may or many not have done?

 

Let her go. She's no longer a virgin. However it happened, it happened. You will only accept a virgin. She doesn't meet your criteria.

 

MOVE ON.

[genki]

Actually no it works even better here since there is no real stigma against premartial sex or hookers or anything. Everythings good here and I have met plenty of women who had no issues telling me the past.

 

But the ****ed up thing is even the sluts and whores like to pretend and act like an innocent cute girl. Some dont but most like to put this cute childish act on and play innocent.

 

 

Do I respect her based on her past? ABSOLUTELY NOT. Im disgusted by her and her past and though im totally understanding of what happened and possible consequences ultimately it was all her choices. She is the only one to blame for being a slut and acting like one.

 

Why are the guys losers even though I dont know them? The 2nd guy that I saw was a weed smoking lanky drop out who couldnt hold a job and didnt have anything going for him and he had tits. The others from everything she has told me are losers. And I know this would sound cocky but i am an attractive guy with the body to go with it and a decent job and smart head on my shoulders and she knows it.

 

You might then ask whats keeping you in?

 

1. I do believe her in that she was raped and everytime it has made her break down and cry and took her a long time to tell me and her story has never changed. She says she blames herself for having led the guy on and swears she didnt go to his place to have sex but was naive and thought she could handle things and he would stop. He turned into a rapist type on her forced her by yanking her head and hair around the place etc and it was only that 1 time and she left in tears and never saw or spoke to him.

She doesnt want to tell me because shes afraid that if I manage to actually find him id kill him and she wants to go past it all and keeps blaming herself for being with him and leading him on and making out with him and going to his place when he made it clear what he wanted fronm her etc.

Ultimately her choices that led her down that path and she knows that she could have done much more to protect herself but I also know firsthand when her brain freezes she cant think straight at all.

 

2. I do believe shes only had 2 guys in bed. 1 who raped her. the 2nd that she willingly went with as a consequence of what happened to her with 1st guy.

 

3. All her sluttiness etc was a result of that rape. I cry just thinking of what that would have felt like and hence the rage i have against that ****head.

 

4. She has gone to great lengths and I know for a fact that she loves me from the depths of her.

 

5. She has changed a lot from the person she used to be. Overall kisses etc I could deal with but the episode where she turned like that was only within the span of that 1 year in US directly related to her rape. She doesnt drink. She covers her body up. She doesnt go around clubbing or anything and many more examples. Even before meeting me she had changed and hadnt slept with anybody Before her US episode or even after it, all the **** ups are in her 1.5yrs time there in total where she felt lonely, in a foreign environment, everybody around her screwing, her being raped and losing all selfrespect etc.

 

6. She continues to change and become a better person. Yes it is because I have stood by her and have kept teaching her and pushing her but ultimately she is willing and has changed in many many ways.

 

7. I do love her dearly. I was actually away from her for about 1 month travelling and all I thought of was her and her past never came into it once.

 

8. She has learnt and wont sleep with me and wont allow me until we are married.

 

9. I had placed clauses on marriage to her such as I may never sleep with her due to the disgust i feel and even then she accepts though it hurts her. Yet again proving she does really love me.

 

 

 

See had she not changed, had her ideology not changed, had she not regretted things so badly and wanted to change them, had she not been raped, had she not loved me so much nor I her etc etc etc I could have simply walked away without any issues.

But Im being honest in saying that this would be the biggest compromise ever I have ever made.

[Sean0775]

9. I had placed clauses on marriage to her such as I may never sleep with her due to the disgust i feel and even then she accepts though it hurts her. Yet again proving she does really love me.

I wasn't planning on even replying to this thread, but the quoted part is just messed up. Sorry, but you don't give "clauses" to someone you truly love. This sounds more like a control issue than anything, and it would be best if the two of you just parted ways until you found your bastion of purity. What you have now is a shadow of a relationship with a low self esteem girl who is convinced that she can't do any better. This is not a loving relationship, and you two need to stop lying to yourselves and move on.

[jcster]

I had placed clauses on marriage to her such as I may never sleep with her due to the disgust i feel and even then she accepts though it hurts her. Yet again proving she does really love me.

 

Wow. You need help. I really hope this girl finds whatever self respect you haven't already shredded and gets the hell away from you before you destroy her. You sound psychopathic to me, have you ever seen a psychologist?

[genki]

Did I say I would actually do that though? I only did it to test her. And no nobody ever truly trusts another person impiccably especially when they have a past and they had lied to you.

 

I have 2 options here and 1 is leave her and walk away (and I wish it were that simple) but shed break apart, she might do desperate things, she might change into a worse person than before, I might regret it etc

Or

I can stay, try and forgive her past, stand by her and be there for her and love and cherish her for who she is now and what she will become in the future rather than hate her for a past she nor I cant change.

 

 

 

Anyhow this thread is pointless and im having it removed since no good is coming out of it and I have reached the point where I need to make a choice. This would have been perfect had she not slept with anybody and I dont mind her kisses so much but knowing for example that that ****head did her doggy style and came in her and she wanted that and enjoyed it and me being there and doing that is a complete turn off to me because of the disgust I feel. I never compromised and I always held out for this exact reason that I didnt want the love of my life to feel like **** either or have issues with me based on my past. Sure it would have been my past that I couldnt change etc but in the NOW i have the choice and if people thought about regret, shame, immorality and whats right or not and their futures and soon to be past they wouldnt do half the **** they do now. But it seems most people nowadays **** around and do whatever and never change only stating its their past and everybody keeps compromising and society is going done hill.

 

At this rate mark my words bestiality will be legal too.

[sally4sara]

I think you've just proven every point I made in this thread. Love and disgust do not coincide.

 

Now I'M disgusted!

[Tripper]

Did I say I would actually do that though? I only did it to test her.

 

 

TEST HER?? You arrogant, sanctimonious SOB!!! You don't test those you love. You don't deserve any woman let alone her.

 

I hope she comes to her senses and leaves you. Gad, I'm throughly disgusted!!!

[genki]

Yeah whatever.

 

I guess in your fairytale world youd believe anything and everything somebody tells you even when you have caught them out lying etc right? Not surprised because youd also shag anything that moves and later claim it love, like, just sex, horniness, the past, regret etc

 

And i guess you trust somebody you love right off the bat forever and ever with no doubts ever coming into your head right?

 

I aint a fool and I aint going to fool myself without me knowing for sure things have changed. Words are meaningless and easily said and its actions that count and when your past tells me you were easy even when I met you and you have lied to me and I have caught you out then I guess trust doesnt come that easily.

 

But sure you guys just sit there and tell me whatever BS you want but we all know you can love a person but once they have lied a few times and you have caught them out and they give you hope and then take it away things become less straightforward. I was the one who implicitly trusted her at the beginning and went to exitents none of you have or would have gone but all I got was distrust from her later followed by lies that I catch out and more confusion. Had she trusted me implicitly like I had her from the beginning instead of showing me distrust and had she not had a past and there were no lies that I caught out and she had gone to the extents i have for her then yeah I could just jump in blind folded like a fool.

 

And im sure youd knowingly 100% believe and trust an adulter or a theif or a con artist etc because you love them right? sure

[Tripper]

Yeah whatever.

 

I guess in your fairytale world youd believe anything and everything somebody tells you even when you have caught them out lying etc right? Not surprised because youd also shag anything that moves and later claim it love, like, just sex, horniness, the past, regret etc

 

And i guess you trust somebody you love right off the bat forever and ever with no doubts ever coming into your head right?

 

I aint a fool and I aint going to fool myself without me knowing for sure things have changed. Words are meaningless and easily said and its actions that count and when your past tells me you were easy even when I met you and you have lied to me and I have caught you out then I guess trust doesnt come that easily.

 

But sure you guys just sit there and tell me whatever BS you want but we all know you can love a person but once they have lied a few times and you have caught them out and they give you hope and then take it away things become less straightforward. I was the one who implicitly trusted her at the beginning and went to exitents none of you have or would have gone but all I got was distrust from her later followed by lies that I catch out and more confusion. Had she trusted me implicitly like I had her from the beginning instead of showing me distrust and had she not had a past and there were no lies that I caught out and she had gone to the extents i have for her then yeah I could just jump in blind folded like a fool.

 

And im sure youd knowingly 100% believe and trust an adulter or a theif or a con artist etc because you love them right? sure

 

 

 

You're an idiot. For all your BS of taking the higher ground you have absolutely no compassion or understanding. The idea of human fallibility, making mistakes and learning from them to become a better person is totally foreign to you.

You may think you take the high road, but in reality you are a soulless, arrogant and selfish, controlling person. Go ahead and try and find the perfect person. Good luck. You will end up being a bitter old man. And lonely on top of it all.

You posted and asked advice. You didn't like the opinions posted now your insulted. Most of the advice and opinions were very similar. Unfortunately you don't like or agree... so do whatever the heck you want. You will be miserable either way.. Have a nice life.

[sally4sara]

Yeah whatever.

 

I guess in your fairytale world youd believe anything and everything somebody tells you even when you have caught them out lying etc right? Not surprised because youd also shag anything that moves and later claim it love, like, just sex, horniness, the past, regret etc

 

And i guess you trust somebody you love right off the bat forever and ever with no doubts ever coming into your head right?

 

I aint a fool and I aint going to fool myself without me knowing for sure things have changed. Words are meaningless and easily said and its actions that count and when your past tells me you were easy even when I met you and you have lied to me and I have caught you out then I guess trust doesnt come that easily.

 

But sure you guys just sit there and tell me whatever BS you want but we all know you can love a person but once they have lied a few times and you have caught them out and they give you hope and then take it away things become less straightforward. I was the one who implicitly trusted her at the beginning and went to exitents none of you have or would have gone but all I got was distrust from her later followed by lies that I catch out and more confusion. Had she trusted me implicitly like I had her from the beginning instead of showing me distrust and had she not had a past and there were no lies that I caught out and she had gone to the extents i have for her then yeah I could just jump in blind folded like a fool.

 

And im sure youd knowingly 100% believe and trust an adulter or a theif or a con artist etc because you love them right? sure

 

Tell you what Genki, set up a few sessions with a psychiatrist (make sure you print out your posts on here to show them) and tell them your spin on life. If they don't tell you you have some serious issues, I will make your views my new mantra.

Please do report back to us what comes of it. If they let you out that is.

[genki]

I just have 1 question left.

 

 

If your girl was raped and you found out about it when you met her 3 years later and you know the guy got away scot free leaving your girl behind devastated and self destructive, would you not feel angry? would you not want to get back at the guy and teach him a lesson in humiliation and deprevation?

 

Or would you just be cool with it and chalk it up to the past knowing that he got away with it and that he might be doing similar thing to others?

[Lee725]

Genki, After reading this thread and reading the last question you have posted, i am in a state of disbelief .........after being told in no-uncertain terms what a complete ranting moron you are, you ask "Just one more question"......i am starting to think that you are writing here for nothing more than inflamatory responses.

 

Do us all a favor, Leave her she deserves better (that is if she actually exists), because i would be really surprised that there would be a girl out there that would put up with an idiot who has your ideals and opinions.... Especially one who "Is so experienced"....... if she is so experienced with men.... why cant she spot the complete F****g idiot that is standing in front of her?

[BeautifulMusic]

YOUR PAST MADE YOU WHO YOU ARE.

 

If you really believe this, then even if you don't agree with the choices she made before she met you, you should accept her past if you love her- because her past made her who she is now, and you say you love who she is now.

 

As for not telling you about her past from the start, I'm sure she was reluctant to because she knew you would judge her- and she was right.

[Trialbyfire]

genki,

 

Answer these questions:

 

1. What can she do to make it all better?
   
2. What do you want from her?
   
3. Have you asked her for what you want or need?
   
4. Are your wants and needs realistic?
   
5. Is her past changeable?
   
6. If not, what are you trying to accomplish by dwelling on it?

[lovelorcet]

Let this poor girl go so you can find someone how actually loves and respects her. It seems like she still have to figure more out about her sexuality.

 

Listen up dude... You still have a lot of growing up to do. You are acting like an insecure little boy. Yes, she can't keep her stories straight but honestly if you are half the controlling freak that you come across as on LS then it is no wonder.

 

You are the one with some messed up fairy-tale as to what love is in your head. If you can't accept her for who she is then let her go.

[Cobra_X30]

I just have 1 question left.

 

If your girl was raped and you found out about it when you met her 3 years later and you know the guy got away scot free leaving your girl behind devastated and self destructive, would you not feel angry? would you not want to get back at the guy and teach him a lesson in humiliation and deprevation?

 

Or would you just be cool with it and chalk it up to the past knowing that he got away with it and that he might be doing similar thing to others?

 

Ok Genki,

 

Listen... Do you love this woman? Do you REALLY love her?

[dbtmarley]

Genki,

 

I know how you feel and I understand where you are coming from. What you need to understand is that this is not normal on your part. It all stems from the fear of being hurt.. A hurt that I fear so damn much!!

[dbtmarley]

Have you ever called her a slut or a whore because of her past. I hope not because if you have you might as well do yourself a favor (and her) and end this relationship now. What you are doing, whether you know it or not, is causing this woman to resent you. This is something I fear I am doing, not to the degree you are thankfully, but something I am doing none the less. Once someone starts resenting you it's pretty darn hard to recover from it.... just saying.

[Sean0775]

Yeah whatever.

 

I guess in your fairytale world...

Did anyone else stop reading right here? You're the one who needs to tighten their grip on reality, Genki. It's painfully obvious you want nothing more than a nun minus the vows and anyone with any sort of experience is simply disgusting. You seem to be the one clinging to fairy tales of first love/true love and will most likely grow old alone unless you manage to grow up. Have a nice life, and I hope you get some therapy/meds soon.

[huh]

I just have 1 question left.

 

 

If your girl was raped and you found out about it when you met her 3 years later and you know the guy got away scot free leaving your girl behind devastated and self destructive, would you not feel angry? would you not want to get back at the guy and teach him a lesson in humiliation and deprevation?

 

Or would you just be cool with it and chalk it up to the past knowing that he got away with it and that he might be doing similar thing to others?

 

I'd be trying to find out from her what she needs emotionally, any possible triggers sexually/physically to make sure I didn't cause her any flashbacks. And sure as hell not asking her why she didn't do x, y z & 2nd guessing her, per your quote below:

 

Then the story came out that the 1st guys was more like date rape. They had gone out 4-5times and he made a solid move on her and she backed off and he was like "your playing hard to get at. fine!". So at this point she would have known what he wanted right? But she went out with him to the movies etc and he asked her if she wanted a drink at his place and she went. His place was at an apartment complex but out there. They started drinking and making out and he wanted more and didnt stop and pulled her jeans off and she ran around the room telling him im not ready dont stop but he wouldnt and I asked her why didnt you shout at him? she said I did. why didnt you run outside? why didnt you throw things at him? why didnt you threaten to call the cops? why didnt you go out? she said her brains froze because he was bigger and though she thought she could take care of herself now she was scared for her life. and she didnt go out because she had no idea what to do and maybe worse would happen out there to a half naked girl and i said why not run out and call for help from a neighbour or something? and she said she simply couldnt. so she fought and resisted him etc but he dropped her into his bed and took her panties off and was going to insert and she begged him to use protection to which he did and after it all finished she demanded to be driven back home and he wanted her to stay the night since it was past 2am but she didnt so he drove her back. She never saw or spoke to him again and he only messaged and that was it. Thats how she lost her virginity!

 

She says she felt disgusted and hopeless and lost. she felt hurt and upset. she felt betrayed.

 

and so she drowned herself in alcohol. as a result she made out with guys..

 

But I guess psuedo-macho vengeful posturing is more satisfying to you than actually doing the really difficult and challenging work of putting your ego aside & being there for her. Because being compassionate and caring about her feelings & what she needs wouldn't give you that smug self-superiority

 

And let's look at how you referred to her 2nd experience:

 

and then her friend, a guy whose place she had been to a few times, asked her out and they went out for 4-5times before she hoped into bed with him willingly. He didnt force her or anything.

 

She sat here crying on my shoulders that she loved him. And I told her she used you. You were just some japanese girl on campus ie ASIAN MEAT to be tagged and hagged and you played right along in it

 

You are seriously twisted to refer to a woman you supposedly love as "Asian Meat." She's your girlfriend, not a dish you order from takeout. WTF is wrong with you? You appear to have some serious misogynist & racist issues. Please seek professional help. The best thing you can do for her is to break up with her so you don't continue to mindf**k her.