Fiancees Past haunts me to no ends. Driving me crazy!

[Lyssa]

No what I meant is dont just classify a whole people as Asian and expect them to behave in a certain way. I have travelled and lived throughout Asia and I can tell you there are all sorts and all kinds of cultures.

 

One doesn't necessarily need to travel throughout the world to know there are other cultures.

[genki]

If you need someone who's as sexually pure as you, go find someone else. I personally think your g/f is full of it, since the stories keep changing. No one can ever forget a real rape unless the whole incident gets completely repressed. I also feel that in your dishonesty with her, you reap what you sow. Neither party is innocent.

 

 

Do you think then she just said that to make me feel better?

 

She never said that until quite a while later and only then when seeing me breaking down over it for the 2nd time and then she told me what happened the first time.

I even asked for the guys details in anger and yes I would have gone and beaten the ****er to a pulp or get my friends to do it for me and maybe rape his ass too but she didnt tell me it. She also understands that though he was to blame she was also partly to blame by leading him on etc and then expecting him to stop.

 

I just dont know what to believe since her stories seem to change. The more info i get the more it doesnt click and the more i confront her with it and the more leaks out.

[genki]

One doesn't necessarily need to travel throughout the world to know there are other cultures.

 

lol I give up since your missing the point.

[Lyssa]

lol I give up since your missing the point.

 

LOL - I'm not. Just feel like you seem to think highly of yourself.

 

I don't know. I just don't buy any of your GF's stories. Especially the rape part. Maybe you should find someone who is on the same level as you. I'm sure you can find one.

[genki]

Help me out here. Is her story even plausible?

 

The 1stguy date rapes her and so she feels like **** and worthless considering she lost something she valued just like that. And rather than thinking hold on how did i get in that situation in the first place? The alcohol and loose company maybe?

She drowns herself in alcohol which leads to making out with many people many of whom she still remembers who they were and finally admitted that some she wanted to make out with though most made out with her and sometimes she just wanted to talk.

And yet again she realises its wrong and shes only hurting herself she keeps repeating the same actions again and again.

 

Then she shags with a loser friend who was nice and treated her kindly. Just because of that? No its the alchohol again and she swears they would drink a lot.

 

But come on is the alcohol here to blame? Is it the first guy that ****ed her up so badly to blame? Can a person be so self-destructive?

 

Why cry on my shoulders and tell me she loved the 2nd guy. And then later tell me she didnt know what love is and that ive shown her it and that she was deluding herself because if it was love then she wouldnt have been dumped like that, alchohol wouldnt have been involved and she would have told him I LOVE YOU something apparently she never told him yet he told her and she knew they had no future because he seemed hopeless and a loser. So this makes me wonder right you thought you loved him at that time when you were shagging so how is it going to be any different with me? and she breaks down and tells me I dont understand how she feels.

[Lyssa]

So she keeps drowning herself in alcohol and making out with men... then blame it on the alcohol? I really think she needs therapy. I have never been drunk - I don't even drink so I really can't say if alcohol can make someone do things they don't want to. She must be really wasted to not know what happened but from what I have read, she seemed to be conscious the whole time. I could be wrong.

 

I just see her as a very confused girl.

[genki]

So she keeps drowning herself in alcohol and making out with men... then blame it on the alcohol? I really think she needs therapy. I have never been drunk - I don't even drink so I really can't say if alcohol can make someone do things they don't want to. She must be really wasted to not know what happened but from what I have read, she seemed to be conscious the whole time. I could be wrong.

 

I just see her as a very confused girl.

 

 

She did say at times she was so wasted she couldnt stand and would fall down and at times shed be out sleeping and her friends would take her back. Every where and anywhere she went there was alcohol and drinking. But yet she didnt drink whilst weekdays to study and only have a beer instead? hmm

 

But shes also been to a beer pond and after knowing didnt leave even though she knew people were ****ing on the 2nd floor.

 

And she always seemed to know protection even when she was apparently drunk ****ing the 2nd guy and remembers who she was making out with and EVEN not to make out whilst infront of others and always been when alone in the hallway or in friends room etc??? Does that sound like what a drunk does?

And even be so drunk whilst ****ing etc but not smoke weed or even try it because it was "wrong" yet **** the guy smoking it and condone his behaviour? This guy needed to drink and smoke weed just so he could last a little!!!!

 

 

Im wondering how many other secrets there are hidden and how many others shes done.

 

 

 

 

And just to set the record straight; I never told her I was a player or anything. I kept telling her from the beginning im not like any other guy and that im very decent and have kept to myself.

She didnt believe me and assumed that since im attractive, muscular, and picked her up smoothly that I must be experienced and slept around.

I let her run with her own assumptions whatever they may be and had I told her from the onset listen im a virgin she would have most likely changed stories again. And I set the record straight and she still questioned me saying she didnt believe a guy like me existed. Not even a kiss? No boners? Not even a BJ? nothing?

 

 

Then later on she thought maybe I didnt find her attractive or that maybe my weiner wasnt working because she never felt anything, only because im a decent guy i didnt think it appropriate. And now she knows to the contrary and tells me im a monster.

[sally4sara]

see what you are now doing sally4sara is very demeaning. Your making it all about the hymen and are forgetting everything else.

 

Your also forgetting the sanctity of marriage. And in terms of that member of your family i would have not had issues getting married to them because they waited for marriage and so would have illustrated that she was a decent woman.

 

 

Im sorry but I dont agree that a hooker deserves a saint for a husband or vice versa. You sow what you reap.

 

 

Your happy for now sure and maybe he is too. But how long will it last till he gets tired of you or you of him and start looking elsewhere and quit asap?

 

 

What your saying is that you have to go through **** and become **** so you can understand and appreciate cleanliness. What Im saying is you know what **** is like and you can simply avoid it.

 

Your advocating giving in to your carnal desires and going around screwing etc and then complaining that nobody loves you and guys are pigs yet never take a second and think hold on which guy would truly love me if i oepned my legs for them within 1-2months of dating them?

 

 

And do you know anywhere as much detail as i do about his past? or him about yours? go and spill it all then come back and see. and where would you draw the line?

 

 

Would you still look at him the same way had he slept with 59women? what if he was a pornstar? what if he was a serial rapist or a murder?

 

Genki.......I met my bf through his roomate, whom I had dated CASUALLY a little over a year prior. I have met 5 of his ex girlfriends. We shared stories of our past quite freely. He may have slept with that many women and you CANNOT compare that to murder or rape. Things do not always go the way you are so sure they will. I think you don't want to consider that a possibility because so much hinges on this for you. It defines you and if us pigs can have wonderful, happy relationships, then why are you doing this? It is simple....different strokes! different strokes! different strokes to rule the woooorrrrrlld!

[genki]

Genki.......I met my bf through his roomate, whom I had dated CASUALLY a little over a year prior. I have met 5 of his ex girlfriends. We shared stories of our past quite freely. He may have slept with that many women and you CANNOT compare that to murder or rape. Things do not always go the way you are so sure they will. I think you don't want to consider that a possibility because so much hinges on this for you. It defines you and if us pigs can have wonderful, happy relationships, then why are you doing this? It is simple....different strokes! different strokes! different strokes to rule the woooorrrrrlld!

 

 

Sure sure and you have seen them naked or have seen photos of them naked etc right?

 

All you have done is compromised because you had a history of your own Im sure quite colorful so thats the best you can do . Besides you have no rights to ask for better.

 

Im sure youd also be fine with him or him with you being a pornstar screwing guys/girls for a living and yet married to you and telling you he loves you right?

 

sure sure.

[huh]

I'm not condoning her lack of honesty with you. But you either need to stop obsessing over her past or end the relationship. The fact that the guy used a condom doesn't mean it wasn't rape. There have been cases where women have begged rapists to use condoms to protect them from disease. And where rapists have used them to reduce the amount of evidence (DNA in semen, etc.) they leave in/on the victim.

 

I don't know if she's telling the truth or not about being raped. But if she has been raped, being grilled about it by you is only adding to the victimization. Rape survivors tend to blame themselves as it is, they need support from the ones they love, not an inquisition. Just because there aren't alcohol containers in the photos you refer to doesn't mean she didn't turn to alcohol to dull the pain. Excuse me if you've addressed it and I've missed it, but does she still abuse alcohol? If so, that's far more of an issue than her past. Has it been addressed? And why was she showing you the photos in the first place? Who initiated that, you or her?

[LoisLane]

Just do her, dude. Nothing wrong with that. I mean it's not like she's a virgin and you know you wanna bang her on already! Then leave her. I mean you already think she's a $lut.

[Cobra_X30]

Cobra, jaysus! I find OP to be less offensive. His words appeal to you (as you've admitted) by and large due to your own mistakes and past. YOU have no right to hold any female up to these standards as you don't fit them. You are no virgin and bitter because of your own choices. I feel you hating on women from here. His words are not in favor of you simply because you have a penis. A female you would not measure up either.

 

 

Your dense as rocks girl!

 

I'm not holding anyone to a standard! I'm saying I understand where Genki is coming from and I can identify with his idealism.

 

Read what I say and pay attention! I'm not hating on women! Thats you projecting your own thoughts and emotions onto me!

 

Your so offended that you dont fit his ideals that you cant stop to look at them objectively, or with any compassion for his situation.

 

You are dead set on viewing this as a Holier Than Thou proposition. If thats the case... then I am better than you simply because I can empathize and understand others!

[Lyssa]

And she always seemed to know protection even when she was apparently drunk ****ing the 2nd guy and remembers who she was making out with and EVEN not to make out whilst infront of others and always been when alone in the hallway or in friends room etc??? Does that sound like what a drunk does?

 

Errr... that I really wouldn't know, Genki. I have a friend, she gets drunk easily... after a couple of beers. Practically all men around her can take advantage of her and she wouldn't be aware of it.

 

And just to set the record straight; I never told her I was a player or anything. I kept telling her from the beginning im not like any other guy and that im very decent and have kept to myself.

She didnt believe me and assumed that since im attractive, muscular, and picked her up smoothly that I must be experienced and slept around.

I let her run with her own assumptions whatever they may be and had I told her from the onset listen im a virgin she would have most likely changed stories again. And I set the record straight and she still questioned me saying she didnt believe a guy like me existed. Not even a kiss? No boners? Not even a BJ? nothing?

 

Maybe cause of all these losers (according to you and also by what you have described) she has been with made it hard for her to believe that a guy (a virgin guy at that) like you exist in her world..

[Trialbyfire]

Do you think then she just said that to make me feel better?

 

She never said that until quite a while later and only then when seeing me breaking down over it for the 2nd time and then she told me what happened the first time.

I even asked for the guys details in anger and yes I would have gone and beaten the ****er to a pulp or get my friends to do it for me and maybe rape his ass too but she didnt tell me it. She also understands that though he was to blame she was also partly to blame by leading him on etc and then expecting him to stop.

 

I just dont know what to believe since her stories seem to change. The more info i get the more it doesnt click and the more i confront her with it and the more leaks out.

When details keep changing in stories, with something as serious as getting raped, you know she's lying. As to her reasons, more than likely she's ashamed of her actions and wants to hide the fact that she's slept with other men. I find it ridiculous that she would go to these lengths to do so. Why not be upfront with this at the beginning?

 

The same question applies to you. Why not be upfront about your lack of sexual history? I saw your reasons and I also feel that's an excuse.

 

When you start a relationship with untruths, sooner or later it will come to bite you in the fanny.

 

I would normally agree with others that the past should be left in the past but when it comes to sexual history, if the past is not acceptable to one party, call it quits and find someone else who meets your criteria. I personally would never hook up with someone with a long line of past lovers, particularly since she slept with so many men within a year and a half period. It smacks of major baggage, not promiscuity.

[Cobra_X30]

Genki.......I met my bf through his roomate, whom I had dated CASUALLY a little over a year prior. I have met 5 of his ex girlfriends. We shared stories of our past quite freely. He may have slept with that many women and you CANNOT compare that to murder or rape. Things do not always go the way you are so sure they will. I think you don't want to consider that a possibility because so much hinges on this for you. It defines you and if us pigs can have wonderful, happy relationships, then why are you doing this? It is simple....different strokes! different strokes! different strokes to rule the woooorrrrrlld!

 

Stop trying to debate the merits of Genki's belief system! It's not helpful. In fact its preventing the converstation from tackling the problem at hand.

 

Your insecure and fear the idea of bieng judged! Fine! I hear you!

 

I dont like bieng judged either! However, I really like myself, and I can handle it if others dont like me or what I do!

 

Plus a part of me really thinks what Genki believes is .... idealistic, or romantic.

 

Maybe cause of all these losers (according to you and also by what you have described) she has been with made it hard for her to believe that a guy (a virgin guy at that) like you exist in her world..

 

I think your catching onto a good point here! I dont think she understood that guys like Genki are out there!

 

See this girl WANTS to tell Genki the truth, however she is going to spin it to make him feel better. So, she will tell him that these guys were losers. Shoot maybe she really like them, but she will only emphasize thier bad traits, because she wants Genki to feel special.

[jcster]

But who she is and the bull**** I had to deal with and her ****ed up thinking was all a result of her past. By that very token who I am is also because of my past which is a big part of why she loves me I dont have a past.

 

We are all f*cked up because of our pasts, and we all have bullsh*t that comes out of it. Welcome to the world.

 

Do you know how much it hurts me to think that some ****ing lanky weedy addicted mother ****er was humping my wife and she was going up and down on his cock yet didnt have the decency to marry her or treat her right? And I have to be the responsible one and accept a used woman and deal with all her emotional **** too? In return all im getting is anguish and heartache.

 

Chill. This is a perfect example of the hysterical, drama ridden crap that is causing you so much grief right now. She's NOT your wife, she wasn't your wife when all of this went down. So you don't like the guy, fine, but don't turn this into some weird, time-warp betrayal, because it's not.

 

Newsflash for you: hot, ignorant young girls get taken advantage of. They also often don't know how to separate attention from affection, love from lust. They go from the unbelievably painful insecurities of adolescence to being the star of every loser's wet dream. Many of us find out the hard way that we are the new meat at the banquet - and it hurts, and it's damaging, and some of us take a long time to adjust our behavior so that it doesn't happen again and again and again.

 

She's tried to be honest with you, and this is what she gets - blame and disgust. You might want to take a long look in the mirror and decide if you are qualified to throw stones.

[genki]

I'm not condoning her lack of honesty with you. But you either need to stop obsessing over her past or end the relationship. The fact that the guy used a condom doesn't mean it wasn't rape. There have been cases where women have begged rapists to use condoms to protect them from disease. And where rapists have used them to reduce the amount of evidence (DNA in semen, etc.) they leave in/on the victim.

 

I don't know if she's telling the truth or not about being raped. But if she has been raped, being grilled about it by you is only adding to the victimization. Rape survivors tend to blame themselves as it is, they need support from the ones they love, not an inquisition. Just because there aren't alcohol containers in the photos you refer to doesn't mean she didn't turn to alcohol to dull the pain. Excuse me if you've addressed it and I've missed it, but does she still abuse alcohol? If so, that's far more of an issue than her past. Has it been addressed? And why was she showing you the photos in the first place? Who initiated that, you or her?

 

She used to drink when she met me and was proud of it. I stopped her and never allowed her to drink with me. She has not touched alcohol for months now. This is something i have thought her and helped her see how self destructive it was. even with me she wanted to drink and i refused.

 

The photos were shown to me accidentally by her and flipped through 1 by 1.

[genki]

trust me all the guys shes been with and the 2 she slept with have all been losers and nothing to brag about.

 

it wasnt so much that she was this hot thing on the block but more so probably that she was this new asian exchange student on the block and later on probably known to get drunk and make out and her "friend" took advantage of her and used her to satisfy himself.

 

 

see this is also my point. some people compromise and lose their hope and beliefs and values and a piece of them dies just like in her case. she compromised on her belief that there is a guy out there for her like me instead went hunting for love and all she got was used and abused.

 

I didnt compromise.

[genki]

Im also curious why wont she give me that 1st guy who ruined her life's name or address or info on him?

 

I would go and smash his face in and show him how it feels to be raped but she isnt disclosing it and blame herself too. Either way scum like that should get it coming to them because i wonder which other poor woman hes done that too.

 

If only she would give me his info I would beat the living **** out of him but she knows I would and says she wants to forget it happened and doesnt want me to kill him or something.

[Tripper]

Im also curious why wont she give me that 1st guy who ruined her life's name or address or info on him?

 

I would go and smash his face in and show him how it feels to be raped but she isnt disclosing it and blame herself too. Either way scum like that should get it coming to them because i wonder which other poor woman hes done that too.

 

If only she would give me his info I would beat the living **** out of him but she knows I would and says she wants to forget it happened and doesnt want me to kill him or something.

 

 

Genki, every post you make shows you are filled with anger. The issues you are facing are such a problem for you and you have no understanding or compassion for the mistakes people make.

I don't believe you will ever resolve this to your satisfaction. Let her go and move on. That way both of you can have short term pain of break up instead of long term pain of a life together haunted by a past you can't accept, can't change and can't let go of.

[Trialbyfire]

You have a standard, you cannot change her standard. You also shouldn't be controlling her. Control yourself and let her go. Find someone who does meet your standard and consider this one a lesson learned in honesty.

 

Do not get married. Talk about a divorce waiting to happen.

[jcster]

Oh my!

 

who I am is also because of my past which is a big part of why she loves me I dont have a past.

 

She used to drink when she met me and was proud of it. I stopped her and never allowed her to drink with me. She has not touched alcohol for months now. This is something i have thought her and helped her see how self destructive it was. even with me she wanted to drink and i refused.

 

If only she would give me his info I would beat the living **** out of him but she knows I would and says she wants to forget it happened and doesnt want me to kill him or something.

 

some people compromise and lose their hope and beliefs and values and a piece of them dies just like in her case. she compromised on her belief that there is a guy out there for her like me instead went hunting for love...I didnt compromise

 

How do you justify comparing yourself to her? In what part of your life were you her? You have yourself on such a high pedestal that nothing that any woman is going to do is going to be good enough for you.

 

My advice is to worry about yourself. You are not the final arbiter of what is right, her life is not your life. Your urge to control her is spilling out of the present back to the past. You denigrate her because she isn't as "good" as you. Of all the men she's been with yet, you might be the worst.

 

Life IS all about compromise. Just because you haven't felt the need to do it yet, no-one can avoid it for very long. You're far more lucky than virtuous.

[sally4sara]

Sure sure and you have seen them naked or have seen photos of them naked etc right?

 

All you have done is compromised because you had a history of your own Im sure quite colorful so thats the best you can do . Besides you have no rights to ask for better.

 

Im sure youd also be fine with him or him with you being a pornstar screwing guys/girls for a living and yet married to you and telling you he loves you right?

 

sure sure.

 

He has seen his ex roomie nude; they lived together for 3 years. You're bound to see your roomie nude at some point. I have seen three of his exes nude. One in person and two in pictures.

And yes, he is the best I can do and I am proud as hell to be with him.

No I wouldn't want to be with a porn star simply because of the risk of STDs, not because I think they are scum. They live in a way I would not feel comfortable sharing, but I could easily be friends with someone in that carreer. Why are we talking about porn stars anyway? I'm not one, he's not one, you are not one and neither is your girl.

We've both had a colorful past and have no problems accepting that. You can believe what you want about our sincerity, but it won't make your opinion fact.

I didn't share my relative's story with you to see if she would be unfit in your eyes. I shared it so you could see that even people who waited (and yes her husband waited too; they started dating in high school) till marriage don't have it locked down. There are no guarantees. Keeping the pants on will not control what the other person ends up doing.

I've told you before, I don't have a problem with you wanting to wait. I do respect a person's ability to set a goal for themselves and stick to it. It is the other things you say that makes you come off overly judgmental. And you continue this vibe by telling me that because neither me or my partner live by your standards, we have no hope of being loved or respected. If you need to believe this to keep your resolve, fine. But you're really coming off like you're bitter over what you secretly think a hot, well built, long stamina (seriously, did your hand sing praises over your longevity?) kind of guy is missing out on.

[sally4sara]

Your dense as rocks girl!

 

I'm not holding anyone to a standard! I'm saying I understand where Genki is coming from and I can identify with his idealism.

 

Read what I say and pay attention! I'm not hating on women! Thats you projecting your own thoughts and emotions onto me!

 

Your so offended that you dont fit his ideals that you cant stop to look at them objectively, or with any compassion for his situation.

 

You are dead set on viewing this as a Holier Than Thou proposition. If thats the case... then I am better than you simply because I can empathize and understand others!

 

If he wasn't using his ideals to look down on others, I would have no problem with his views. I would be a lot more empathetic towards a person who had these values and didn't feel anyone who didn't share their conviction was trash.

As for why you empathize with his views......I don't really care. You did say it was because of what you've been through presumably by not living up to his standards either. But instead of thinking of yourself as low, you are jaded against others. I don't care about you having this issue either. Your burden; not mine. I hold myself responsible for my actions and not others. Maybe that is why I'm not willing to start lumping people into piles of the good vs the bad.

I will however, empathize for the future ex Mrs. Cobra you have prepared your whole life to divorce.

[sally4sara]

Till you can stop looking down on people for not being just like you, you are only fit to be with yourself.