wife's weight

[uniqueone]

I feel much better off now...in probably too many ways to name them all.

 

I figured that was the case. You go girl!

[uniqueone]

 

Now it seems my wife has changed her values, and this affects me. Do I sit quietly and pretend it is not happening? Sorry I tried that and it only made me miserable. I have no choice but to talk about this directly with her. The thing I have struggled with is just what to say?

 

She already knows she has gained alot of weight.

She already knows that eating junk and little exercise cause her weight gain.

She already knows that 25 - 30 pounds on her is not really a serious "health issue" - so I cannot claim it is all about her health.

About the only thing that could be viewed as new information is the effect this has on me. So I am looking for ways to present this in a non-hurtful way.

 

 

Don't bother. This shows that you haven't learned a thing. Not one thing.

[bish]

Don't bother. This shows that you haven't learned a thing. Not one thing.

 

I 2nd that.

[whichwayisup]

Try2B, do some research about depression. Once you understand abit more what you're up against, you'll figure out the caring way to talk to your wife.

[Starry-eyed]

 

 

Now it seems my wife has changed her values, and this affects me. Do I sit quietly and pretend it is not happening? Sorry I tried that and it only made me miserable. I have no choice but to talk about this directly with her. The thing I have struggled with is just what to say?

 

 

So the thing to do is find out why her values seem to have changed, and you can only do that by asking her, talking to her. Show her that you care about her and your marriage by talking to her gently and lovingly. If you've been just sitting quietly up til now, she may think you're fine with things, or that you haven't noticed as much as you have, or she may not realize how much larger she is. And you need to find out whether she is happy with herself or not.

[Mr. Lucky]

I don't think anything you can say that deals with your lack of attraction for her sexually, due to her appearance, can be said in a non-hurtful way.

So, OceanBlue, since we're all about problem solving here at LS (when we're not busy throwing stones at each other ), how does the OP have a constructive discussion with his W?

 

Can't be a health issue.

Can't be a lack of sexual attraction.

Can't be an ultimatum.

 

What's left ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Racquel Colette]

A 10/12 is not overweight. The average woman is a size 14.

So, she looks fine, this is your issue so you need to see a therapist and don't sweat the small stuff and love your wife for who she is inside.

The problem is yours, not hers, you are f**ed up.

[OceanBlue]

So, OceanBlue, since we're all about problem solving here at LS (when we're not busy throwing stones at each other ), how does the OP have a constructive discussion with his W?

 

Can't be a health issue.

Can't be a lack of sexual attraction.

Can't be an ultimatum.

 

What's left ?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Aww...c'mon Mr. L - read his last couple of posts. It is a lack of sexual attraction. I just said I don't think that can be said in a non-hurtful way. He truly doesn't seem to be concerned with the underlying cause of his wife's change.

 

A constructive discussion has to be one where he is sensitive to her responses. Look at how he has responded to all of ours? He has dismissed any and all comments that don't agree with what he believes. He hasn't commented on the several mentions of depression. If she is depressed (and I have a feeling that might be it) then hearing he isn't attracted to her isn't going to be constructive in any way, shape or form.

 

Has he asked her how she is feeling? And I don't mean about her weight...I mean about life? Her life? And after he asks (assuming he gets that far) it will only turn into a constructive discussion if he listens and hears the response. He may even need to pull a response out of her.

 

Maybe she is just fine...maybe she's happy the way she is right now. If so then he has nothing to lose - throw his feelings and thoughts on the table and see where the conversation goes.

[OceanBlue]

I figured that was the case. You go girl!

 

That obvious is it?

[bish]

So the thing to do is find out why her values seem to have changed,

 

Let him push something the size of a basketball out his rectum, and go through hormonal changes and see if his "values" don't change.

 

Its real simple...his wife is not fat....but he wants this perfect little cupie doll.

 

Some people can overcome age and a reduced metabolism during the aging process....some can't.

 

Needless to say, this man does not love his wife, "for better or worse".

And the thing is...it hasn't even gotten to the "worse" part yet....she is not obese or grossly overweight by any means.

 

He is just way too superficial.

[uniqueone]

But why are we even still discussing this? 210 posts and he hasn't even had the d*mn discussion yet. If she's THIS ignored, no wonder she eats. Meanwhile Mr. Try2BSupportive, (a misnomer btw), is staring at his

31-inch waist and posting on LS about how to get her to lose weight, clueless as to her emotional needs.

 

Now think about it.....look how many posts have tried to explain to him what the real problem is and look at how many times it's been ignored. Imagine you're his wife and trying to tell him your feelings or express your unmet needs. Imagine how many times they go over like a lead balloon and get ignored. Imagine trying to tell him, while he ignores you yet again and then goes on about his 31-inch waist or some other such puffery about himself.

 

She's probably screaming inside. She turns to food for comfort, especially since most women are taught not to show anger. At this point, she doesn't care if it turns him off....in fact, she's glad it does because since he doesn't understand her and doesn't want to, she doesn't want him intimately. She focuses on her kids and stops caring what he thinks.

 

And he gets on LS and talks about how unattractive she's become.

 

Attractiveness isn't just on the outside.

[Kasan]

But why are we even still discussing this? 210 posts and he hasn't even had the d*mn discussion yet. If she's THIS ignored, no wonder she eats. Meanwhile Mr. Try2BSupportive, (a misnomer btw), is staring at his

31-inch waist and posting on LS about how to get her to lose weight, clueless as to her emotional needs.

 

Hmmmm...I asked this same question at post 174 last Friday. OP, there is a thread about eating disorders..JamesM has some great insight about his issues with his wife's weight gain and losses. Might be helpful to you.

 

I also answered you Try2BeSupportive on Rooster's thread. You issues with your wife are so much more than her weight gain. I really suspect that there is way more going on with you.....

 

Good luck!

[luvmy2ns]

A 10/12 is not overweight. The average woman is a size 14.

So, she looks fine, this is your issue so you need to see a therapist and don't sweat the small stuff and love your wife for who she is inside.

The problem is yours, not hers, you are f**ed up.

 

Heeeelllllllooooooo..... (long pause while waiting for the echoes to subside)

 

Is there anyone in there? How many times does it have to be said on this thread that she continues her nightly binging and NO activity? D'ya really think she's gonna STAY a 10/12? Good gawd.

 

I don't give a s**t what anyone else says, T2BS, you have a right to expect your wife to be the woman you married. I know many people who are all about "looking good" until the ring goes on. Then look out! The gal who did my mortgage here must have an extra 80 lbs on her already, only 5 years after her marriage! She has three chins, and they're getting ready to multiply.

 

I'm betting that most of the people who are bashing the OP are doing so because of their own unresolved emotional issues.

[uniqueone]

I'm betting that most of the people who are bashing the OP are doing so because of their own unresolved emotional issues.

 

 

You're absolutely right. I do have unresolved emotional issues against somewhat clueless, insensitive, and self-obsessed individuals. I'm working on it in therapy though......

[Mr. Lucky]

The gal who did my mortgage here must have an extra 80 lbs on her already, only 5 years after her marriage! She has three chins, and they're getting ready to multiply.

Obviously, luvmy2ns, you're not up to speed on the appropriate guidelines. Your mortgage broker isn't 80 lbs overweight, she is a victim of her husband's inability to meet her emotional needs. None of us are responsible for any aspect of our conduct in a relationship as it's our spouse's responsibility to deliver happiness and fullfillment to us like it was a take-out pizza...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Alexandra]

I'm betting that most of the people who are bashing the OP are doing so because of their own unresolved emotional issues.

 

Last I checked bashing was not an option on LS. If you call people's opinions that simply state that he is being perceived as unwilling to listen and find constructive ways to solve this in a couple oriented, non-confrontational and deep manner, "bashing" then I stand corrected, it occurs a lot in this thread.

 

For good reason. There is plenty of evidence to suggest T2BS is solely interested in his perspective and hence unable to approach this in a fashion that would put her best interest above his at the very least for a limited amount of time, as a vehicle to finding a solution.

 

In fact, I must say that to me it looks rather awkward that you are so vehemently defending T2BS. Has it occurred to you that there is a slight chance some of these posts have a point, that there may be another explanation for her behavior, that it is salvageable if he did what some of the above posters suggested and that it's possible that you are preventing him from seeing that by your crusade?

[Kasan]

Obviously, luvmy2ns, you're not up to speed on the appropriate guidelines. Your mortgage broker isn't 80 lbs overweight, she is a victim of her husband's inability to meet her emotional needs. None of us are responsible for any aspect of our conduct in a relationship as it's our spouse's responsibility to deliver happiness and fullfillment to us like it was a take-out pizza...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I really wanted to be done with this thread as I felt I was banging my head against the wall.

 

If I had gained 20 pounds in 10 years of marriage.. was considered reasonably thin by society's standards, and my husband told me he wasn't sexually attracted to me because of the 20 pounds, I would tell him to go pound sand up his azz.

 

The OP's wife is not obese by anyone's standards. Will she become obese? Maybe, maybe not.

 

The OP can voice his concerns (which he hasn't done) and go from there.

 

We are all speculating about how many chins she will end up with, but the bottom line is the simple fact that he hasn't spoken to her.

 

I do think that his idea of what constitutes sexy might be a bit skewed, but hey, I am not living his life. He feels what he feels. I hope for his sake that his wife doesn't apply his stringent criteria of what is sexy to him, if and when he loses his hair and/or his teeth.

 

It would be quite enlightening for me to hear what his wife has to say about all this.

[luvmy2ns]

Last I checked bashing was not an option on LS. If you call people's opinions that simply state that he is being perceived as unwilling to listen and find constructive ways to solve this in a couple oriented, non-confrontational and deep manner, "bashing" then I stand corrected, it occurs a lot in this thread.

 

For good reason. There is plenty of evidence to suggest T2BS is solely interested in his perspective and hence unable to approach this in a fashion that would put her best interest above his at the very least for a limited amount of time, as a vehicle to finding a solution.

 

In fact, I must say that to me it looks rather awkward that you are so vehemently defending T2BS. Has it occurred to you that there is a slight chance some of these posts have a point, that there may be another explanation for her behavior, that it is salvageable if he did what some of the above posters suggested and that it's possible that you are preventing him from seeing that by your crusade?

 

I have made suggestions as to how to lovingly approach his wife, which you obviously ignored. And, BTW, I wasn't referring to you in the "bashing" comment. However, telling someone "The problem is yours, not hers, you are f'd up" is bashing, no matter which way you try to slice it. To tell a guy he is ONLY interested in his wife's looks IS bashing. And it's not a "crusade" for cryin' in the rain. I'm simply siding with the guy. Get a grip.

[luvmy2ns]

You're absolutely right. I do have unresolved emotional issues against somewhat clueless, insensitive, and self-obsessed individuals. I'm working on it in therapy though......

 

AKA: Bashing

[luvmy2ns]

Obviously, luvmy2ns, you're not up to speed on the appropriate guidelines. Your mortgage broker isn't 80 lbs overweight, she is a victim of her husband's inability to meet her emotional needs. None of us are responsible for any aspect of our conduct in a relationship as it's our spouse's responsibility to deliver happiness and fullfillment to us like it was a take-out pizza...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

LMFAOROF Perfect! Yeah, like the FWB buddy I had a couple years ago. He wasn't married, so you can't blame his wife for the fact that he would eat enough for two people at dinner, complain how stuffed he was, then a mere half hour later would declare his want for a huge bowl of ice cream in between loud gastrointestinal noises. That behavior was VERY unattractive to me, and was the reason he had a huge belly. He displayed his lack of self control in other areas of his life as well, which is why I never entertained the idea of a real relationship with him. And no - I wasn't the reason he ate like that, though I'm a great cook. I was, however, the reason he QUIT eating like that and now maintains a healthy and - yes - attractive weight. And shame on me for finding self control and a reasonable physique attractive, shallow beeyotch that I am.

[Kasan]

I just had another thought. I am not attracted to men who have grey or white hair.

 

Just how I feel! Just not sexually attracted to them.

 

So how do I approach my husband about dying his greying hair without appearing shallow, selfish, and self absorbed?

 

It really isn't fair--he wasn't like that when I married him...how dare he age and not gracefully either. I expect him to look like the young stud that he was over 20 years ago.

 

Hmmm, not really sure I like the wrinkles I am seeing under his eyes. Perhaps I could tactfully suggest a little eye lift?

 

But wait--what is happening to him is normal and not out of society's norms.....ummmm, maybe I am being a mite shallow?

 

OP, I am accepting the changes that are occurring in my husband as he is accepting the changes that are occurring in me from aging.

 

You wife has put on 20 pounds in 10 years....

 

Okay...I am really done with this thread. Once again I wish you well.

[uniqueone]

 

It would be quite enlightening for me to hear what his wife has to say about all this.

 

 

While he's been posting on LS for two weeks about it, still not seeing anything further than his own reflection in the mirror, she's probably been out having an affair with some hot young stud who listens to her......

[uniqueone]

AKA: Bashing

 

Exactly. That's why I'm in therapy......

[uniqueone]

And no - I wasn't the reason he ate like that, though I'm a great cook. I was, however, the reason he QUIT eating like that and now maintains a healthy and - yes - attractive weight.

 

You don't quit eating like that for someone else. If you do, it won't last.

 

And he quit eating like that because he was getting some for nothing and he didn't want to screw up that deal. It was a means to an end.

[luvmy2ns]

You don't quit eating like that for someone else. If you do, it won't last.

 

And he quit eating like that because he was getting some for nothing and he didn't want to screw up that deal. It was a means to an end.

 

Ummmmm.... you obviously quit reading at the part where I said it was two years ago, and he still maintains his weight. Two years ago. EX FWB.

 

What people want here is for someone to say that their overeating and their "letting themselves go" is someone else's fault. SOME of us aren't buying it. The rest...? They'll spill a hot cup of coffee in their lap while negotiating their vehicles through traffic and try to sue the person who served them their coffee.