wife's weight

[Kasan]

I hate to break this news to some of the recent posters, but weight gain is NOT a natural effect of age, motherhood, marriage, life's pressures, emotions, a spouse with unrealistic expectations of his/her partner, working a job. Weight gain is VERY simple - eat more calories than you burn. That is it! None of those other things cause her to gain weight, it is her eating and exercise habits. And these have changed drastically since we got married - and I find this very unattractive.

 

OP, I agree with you, you are at a crossroads in your marriage. I think that you really need to do a little research about women's bodies ie...what happens to their bodies when they have babies and go through menopause. I think that you will gain some clarity on this subject.

 

You can then make an informed decision whether or not you want to divorce her....as I don't see this problem going away.

 

But I am wondering if you are in the beginnings of a MLC. This would certainly address some of the comments you have made on this thread, as well as the intolerance you are experiencing with your wife's 20 pound weight gain.

 

I wish you all the best!

[luvmy2ns]

pregnancy does cause weight gain and forever changes your body. e she can lose all the pregnancy weight but things will never go back to the way they were before. That tummy almost never goes away the breast sag etc.. I have lost 40 pounds and still have a little pouch.

 

But I believe the OP knows and understands all that. He's dismayed at her lack of caring and her pigging out on snacks at night. I can imagine what's going through his mind as to what she will look like in another 10 years if she doesn't change her habits.

[uniqueone]

 

I hate to break this news to some of the recent posters, but weight gain is NOT a natural effect of age, motherhood, marriage, life's pressures, emotions, a spouse with unrealistic expectations of his/her partner, working a job. Weight gain is VERY simple - eat more calories than you burn. That is it! None of those other things cause her to gain weight, it is her eating and exercise habits.

 

Motherhood doesn't cause weight gain? Are you a mother? And it doesn't matter if she gained the weight AFTER pregnancy. If maybe you'd read up on the matter, you'd find out that during periods such as puberty and pregnancy women have the propensity to increase the amount of fat cells in their body. This is so that we would have enough fat to support children, breast feeding, etc.... Women are predisposed to carrying fat.

 

It's true that it can be battled however. Still, you need to understand that it's not easy for women. I do understand your not being attracted to an overweight person. There's nothing wrong with that preference but you aren't being sensitive as to the cause of her eating.

 

I agree with another poster that your marriage is pretty much over. If she stays as she is, it will never work between you two. Is she loses weight and does it for you, she'll resent you--especially if you never bothered to find out what was causing it. If she loses the weight for herself, my guess is that she'll leave you.

[marlena]

Much ado about nothing! Sheesh!

[whichwayisup]

Make that Doc's appointment, make sure that she doesn't have a thyroid problem. Get a test done to see if she's depressed. See, I understand your frustrations, but with that being said, once again, HOW are you being pro-active with her? What was that night out? Did you two dance together, or go for that walk?

 

Maybe together you two should see a nutrionist, or a naturalpathic doctor. Together learn how to eat properly, understand the food that you're putting inside, and the effects it has on the body.

 

I'm not sure what to say about the sexual unattraction you now feel for your wife, but I'm sure this is playing inside of her head. She must know that you aren't attracted to her - The energy probably feels different between you two, even just cuddling in bed. Are you affectionate with her at all? Sorry, I don't mean to sound harsh.

[luvmy2ns]

Make that Doc's appointment, make sure that she doesn't have a thyroid problem. Get a test done to see if she's depressed. See, I understand your frustrations, but with that being said, once again, HOW are you being pro-active with her? What was that night out? Did you two dance together, or go for that walk?

 

Maybe together you two should see a nutrionist, or a naturalpathic doctor. Together learn how to eat properly, understand the food that you're putting inside, and the effects it has on the body.

 

I'm not sure what to say about the sexual unattraction you now feel for your wife, but I'm sure this is playing inside of her head. She must know that you aren't attracted to her - The energy probably feels different between you two, even just cuddling in bed. Are you affectionate with her at all? Sorry, I don't mean to sound harsh.

 

This didn't sound harsh at all. Great advice, I think.

[Try2BeSupportive]

She is 5'6" (I answered that back on post #46)

She was a size 6 until the last few years and now she buys 10 to 12

She did just visit our doctor and had blood drawn for thyroid tests

Our sex life is obviously not very good - I have an average libido (but not so much for her growing body) while she has zero libido and prefers if I stay away

 

While I really never thought of divorce, several recent replies here are not very encouraging that she would return to her previous values- like in our first 15 years together when eating well and exercise were important to her. And at the moment I am not prepared to abandon MY lifelong values of health and fitness for myself, and my sex drive does not seem to be willing to abandon these values for my partner either. So maybe you are right - maybe divorce is the best thing for us both. Surely she will be much happier without a clueless, shallow husband with no sense of reality or perspective who is too into himself. While it may seem unfortunate, I need to be with someone who is committed to a lifetime of good healthy eating and exercise, and she needs to be with a man who appreciates that she is a powerless victim of fate (that is the message I am getting on here, right?)

 

How many times have I said this: she eats junkfood at night and is relatively inactive - while before she rarely ate treats and exercised regularly. Yet most folks here are saying Just ignore the obvious change in her behavior - as a women she has no responsibility for the the inevitable weight gain caused purely by age and marriage and babies and her a$$hold husband. I have googled all over the internet and not found any medical basis for that logic. Everything I read says the same thing - calories alone causes weight gain. All the other excuses being offered are just that - excuses that direct blame outward for something well within a person's own control.

[whichwayisup]

Divorce is not an answer. If she had an illness that was making her get bigger, would you consider divorce then?

 

She doesn't feel good about herself, she eats. It's a behavioural thing and if you want her to get better (even if you do divorce) STONGLY suggest to her that she seek some cognitive behaviour therapy.

[OceanBlue]

http://meriter.staywellsolutionsonline.com/Library/Wellness/1,3014

 

This article will point out a number of factors that cause females to gain weight. As well as solutions to combat the weight gain.

 

However, my guess is that there is more to it. Perhaps you should talk to her about how she is feeling about life in general? About the full-time role of "mom", "sahm", "wife", "housekeeper", "cook"...

 

I am divorced, and the same age as your wife, with kids too. I found that I was very unhappy and never had any time to be just me. I lost myself while I was busy having kids and being a wife. My XH still maintained his identity. Continued to have outside interests but never stopped to consider what my life was like. Just assumed I was happy with it.

 

And while I have not put on as much weight as your wife, I certainly weigh more than I did at 25. And I can pretty much assure you that I will never see that weight again. Beyond that my body has changed too...my rib cage is wider, my breasts will never be naturally 'perky' again, my feet are wider, even my fingers are bigger and never returned to their normal size after the first baby - though my weight before the next baby was very close to my original pre-pregnancy.

[spookie]

OP:

 

SHE IS STILL NOT EVEN OVERWEIGHT, yet you are willing to divorce her unless she changes her body back to that of the 25 yo you first met. Even if we ignore the facts of her age, the babies, etc. it's disturbing that a purely superficial change like this is enough for you to question your commitment to the mother of your children.

 

Sure, I get that if she keeps 'binging late at night," as you say, she'll gain even more weight... but it sounds like when SHE was unhappy with herself, she slimmed down. Perhaps looking 25 isn't worth the sacrifices that go along with fitness for her anymore. As long as she's in a healthy weight class (which she IS) I see nothing wrong with that. I understand that your priorities are different, and you are claiming that hers have "changed", but even so, IMO this isn't worth breaking up a family over.

 

And incidentally... I think what people meant to accomplish by bringing in age and childbirth into the equation is to get you to understand that, while weight is still an issue of calories expended/calories consumed, she'll need to keep expending MORE and MORE or consuming LESS and LESS in order to stay the same size. So it's harder and harder. It sounds like she feels her size is acceptable to her (which it IS by anyones standards but yours btw).

 

I think there IS a line between reasonable and unreasonable expectations and that you are crossing it. If your wife was actually obese, I would say you have reason to be this upset... but you're upset that she isn't as thin as she was.

 

IMO when you marry someone you agree that you'll love them through reasonable changes, in appearance, in habit, etc. You're trying to make out that this change her her habits is what's turning you off, but my point is, it's very controlling to say I won't love you unless you stop snacking late at night.

 

That said, it sounds like there's a whole lot more going on. You've mentioned sex several times... for your info, tons of people get divorced because of sex (either because they're unhappy or because someone has an affair). If sex is a problem, that is a very big deal and you should seek therapy while you still have the chance to save your marriage.

 

And you should tell her you're losing attraction for her. She deserves to know. Right now it sounds like you're driving yourself completely nuts over the snacking while she doesn't see it as a big deal at all because she has NO IDEA what's going on.

[bish]

To answer some questions asked yesterday:

She does not work (aside from being SAHM)

She already has a gym membership (with childcare)

We have 2 kids

Most of her weight gain has come after giving birth

 

 

I hate to break this news to some of the recent posters, but weight gain is NOT a natural effect of age, motherhood, marriage, life's pressures, emotions, a spouse with unrealistic expectations of his/her partner, working a job. Weight gain is VERY simple - eat more calories than you burn. That is it! None of those other things cause her to gain weight, it is her eating and exercise habits. And these have changed drastically since we got married - and I find this very unattractive.

 

My sexual interest since age 13 have always been for a fit body. And my wife for 35 years was exactly that - a fit body. And now she has changed. I have not adjusted favorably to her change. I find it unattractive.

 

So you can disagree with me about the causes of weight gain (but so far nobody has provided any references to dispute the fact of calories eaten/burned). But you cannot tell me how to feel - and that is sexually un-attracted to a girl stops all effort to remain fit.

 

Let's assume for a moment that you are all right in the things you have called me - clueless, no sense of reality, too into myself, lack understanding, no perspective, shallow.

 

She is completely off the hook? Free pass to stop exercising, eat junk, gain 25 pounds and more? Her actions are now blamed on me? I am responsible? I not only CAUSED her weight gain, I must also now look the other way?

 

I really feel sorry for you victims who lack any sense of personal responsibility. Life will indeed be hard on you.

 

And there you have it....now does anyone doubt the real problem here? And its not his wife.

[uniqueone]

What I'd like to hear is the OP saying that he's concerned about what's causing his wife to overeat....not that he's concerned about her appearance.

 

To me, that's the main problem here. He's not showing that he's concerned about what could be bothering her. He's only concerned about the effect it has on him.

[luvmy2ns]

OP, get used to the idea that no one is responsible for their own behavior any more. I mean, we can get a hot cup of coffee, try to juggle it while driving, and expect a court to give us money when we drop it in our lap and get burned. We can go on eating binges, gain 1000 lbs like the guy in Mexico, and everyone is all "oh, the poor guy." Somehow, that fried chicken, those cheeseburgers and fries, and all that pizza got in there and caused the weight gain. But it was the food that was at fault, not the devouring of it. Sheesh!

[spookie]

What I'd like to hear is the OP saying that he's concerned about what's causing his wife to overeat....not that he's concerned about her appearance.

 

To me, that's the main problem here. He's not showing that he's concerned about what could be bothering her. He's only concerned about the effect it has on him.

 

But she isn't overeating in a manner destructive enough to be cause for concern. She gained a LITTLE weight, but lost as much as she wanted when she felt like it. Having one snack at night, when you're NOT OVERWEIGHT, isn't destructive behavior. It won't bring back the body of the 25 YO OP is attracted to, but she isn't doing anythign that should raise eyebrows. She just has different, albeit still very reasonable, priorities than the OP. She chooses a little bit of food over ideal physique. Lots of people do and it's a valid choice.

[hotgurl]

try2BeSupportive

 

have you asked your wife if she is feeling depressed or overwhelmed, lonely lately.

 

being a stay at home mom and without adult contact all day can be lonely.

 

I think the snacking is more a sympton of a bigger problem that has nothing to do with weight.

 

Also it can trap you in a bad cycle. You feel bad etc.. you eat than you don't have energy to exercise so you feel guilt and snack some more and feel worse.

 

How is your marraige overall besides the weight issue. Do you two commicate ok? Do you go on dates? Do you help her in the evenings with dinner and the kids? Does she feel like she can talk to you?

 

I would suggest marraige conseling.

 

By the way what was her goal weight in Weight watchers? at 155 at 5'6" is a 25 BMI. right on the line of overweight. size 10 is not a huge size either.

 

being a soze 6 after kids' might be somewhat unrealisitc. But hoenstly I don't think weight is really the main problem here.

[sb129]

What I'd like to hear is the OP saying that he's concerned about what's causing his wife to overeat....not that he's concerned about her appearance.

 

To me, that's the main problem here. He's not showing that he's concerned about what could be bothering her. He's only concerned about the effect it has on him.

 

 

Thats what I think too. He is only thinking about how it is affecting HIM, and not her.

 

I also object to his "age/pregnancy/ etc being NO excuse for weight gain", how obtuse is that?

 

I was just in the US, and I cannot believe the size of the portions over there. A normal bag of potato chips contains 4 times the serving size than it does in the UK. I am surprised there aren't more overweight people around there.

 

And a size 10 is SMALL, I think thats great for a mid 40s woman who has had two kids. Its definitely well below the national average.

[bish]

And a size 10 is SMALL, I think thats great for a mid 40s woman who has had two kids. Its definitely well below the national average.

 

Ya, but he wants this perfect little cupie doll. I say if thats what he wants, thats what he should go out and try to find. Then she can get herself a man that isn't that hung up on weight.

I thought the same thing...a woman in her 40s that is a size 10. And I'm a man that prides myself on being fit too. I'm 39, 162lbs and go to the gym every day...doesn't mean I have to have a supermodel. I like curves.

[sb129]

I think there is definitely a deeper issue here, and that the OP is trying to dodge it. He hardly even acknowledges the possibility that there could be something more at the root of his wifes "over-eating".

[luvmy2ns]

I would be concerned that my partner isn't going to stay a size 10, though, considering her snacking habits and her sedentary lifestyle. She'll get bigger and bigger and bigger as she continues to sit around and do nothing while she eats after she's had dinner. Everyone is hung up on her current size, saying it's fine, when it's very clear she's not going to stay there. She has recently put back on the weight she lost with Weight Watchers, so what makes you think she's not going to bulk up further?

[sb129]

Well yes Luv, but don't you think that if its a symptom of a deeper problem

, then the deeper problem needs to be evaluated and dealt with too?

 

Personally, I think she sounds bored, and it sounds like she has other things going on...

[luvmy2ns]

Yes, she may be bored, but why is everyone making that out to be her husband's fault? Does she have no will of her own? If she's completely without the ability to make her own life and her own friends without being joined at the hip with her husband, she's spineless, and I would find a man or a woman like that unattractive, regardless of how thin and beautiful/handsome they were.

[sb129]

I don't think its necessarily all the husbands fault, but since she isn't here to tell her side of the story, and since he doesn't seem to care about exploring WHY she is overeating, thats why most people are directing criticism at him.

[Try2BeSupportive]

Some more direct replies to questions asked:

 

No, I do not expect or want her to look as when she was 25yo (I am not even attracted to 25yo girls).

 

Yes, sex is a problem. Yet another change in her - she seems to have totally "outgrown" sex (no pun intended). Yet I am still horny as ever.

 

No, I am not controlling. If I had married her at current weight but was expecting her to loose weight, that would be controlling. She has gained 20% mass and yes I notice it and am unhappy - how does that make me controlling?

 

Since when is being a size 6 after kids unrealistic? I see plenty of size 6 mothers and even grandmothers. The only reason I mentioned her dress size is it was asked repeatedly.

 

You say the main problem is my concern for her appearance? That is a odd thing to say! I have always had tremendous interest in her appearance, ever since our first date, and for our entire years together. She always liked the fact that I find her so attractive. Why is this now such a problem that it would even cause her to gain weight? Sorry but I do not think that is the problem like you said.

 

Yes, lots of people choose food over physique. And lots of people (like me) take better care of our bodies. And until recently, my wife did too. Obviously her priorities have changed - this bothers me a great deal.

 

Think about this for a moment: pick one significant feature of your SO that attracted you. Something that you always viewed as a deal breaker when selecting a mate. For example, let's say you love the fact your SO is a great conversationalist: always up on current events, constantly engaging you with new and interesting topics, been that way all their lives. You love this about your SO and since it has been a lifelong thing you see it as part of his/her identity.

 

Now at age 40 he/she changes behavior - instead of reading the New York Times and Washington Post each day, they spend a couple hours a day watching some TV show that repulses you - something ridiculous like monster truck racing. Instead of enjoyable discussions of politics over dinner, you are bored to tears with juvenile facts about monster trucks. Would this not affect your attraction for spouse? Would you just turn a blind eye to such a drastic and unattractive change? How to deal with this new person you are married to? Would you blame yourself for causing this change in your SO? Because I certainly have been accused of causing my wife's weight gain.

[uniqueone]

But she isn't overeating in a manner destructive enough to be cause for concern. She gained a LITTLE weight, but lost as much as she wanted when she felt like it. Having one snack at night, when you're NOT OVERWEIGHT, isn't destructive behavior. It won't bring back the body of the 25 YO OP is attracted to, but she isn't doing anythign that should raise eyebrows. She just has different, albeit still very reasonable, priorities than the OP. She chooses a little bit of food over ideal physique. Lots of people do and it's a valid choice.

 

It's not a matter of how MUCH you eat that's destructive. Just like an alcoholic isn't determined by how much they drink. It's what you're using the food for. Are you using it because you're hungry or are you using it to deal with depression, anxiety or loneliness? It doesn't matter what the "amount" is. It matters what the "reason" is. That's how you determine destructive behavior.

 

And what raises a red flag about her eating is that she does it at night. If a person liked to eat just because they liked food or were hungry, they'd do it during meals. But when you see someone who snacks at night that's almost always a sign of an emotional eater. And an emotional eater is using food in place of their emotions. There's some reason that she doesn't feel like she can express how she feels. And, judging by the communication in their marriage, I can see why.

[uniqueone]

I will say this....you CAN be over 40 and a small size. I am but I work at it. I've gotten into the habit of working at it because I didn't used to always be this way. So you can actually improve as you get older.

 

I find that those people who were able to eat whatever they wanted when they were younger (without gaining), are the ones who end up with problems later in life. Whereas the ones who weren't the type who could eat whatever they wanted and who learned to change things around at a young age, are the types who keep improving as time goes on. That's because they've changed their lifestyle and made fitness a priority.

 

It's possible that the OP's wife is one who never had to worry about her weight and now that she's gained due to childbearing, etc..., she has no lifestyle pattern set up of fitness and a healthy diet to counteract it. She might never have HAD to before because in the past, she was able to get away with eating whatever she wanted and not exercising.

 

This still doesn't excuse the fact that the OP is not being sensitive to her emotional needs, but just thought I'd point it out.

 

Edited to add: Those who have kids will still have an especially hard time with this though because keeping fit requires time and kids take a lot of your time up.