wife's weight

[sb129]

fundamentally, what is going on between your wife and you, is a communication problem.

 

Definitely.

 

There is no way around it however. You need to communicate on this issue. Accept that she might get upset and that she has the right to be upset. You also - despite what everyone here thinks- have the right to be worried about what her change of behavior means for your wedding. But you need to figure out what is going on at a deeper level then the simple mathematics of her weight gain. What is causing her to change her behavior is the basic question here.

 

I totally agree. To some its not a big weight gain, to you, it is.

Thats fine, but Kamille is absolutely right, you need to talk to your WIFE about it, not us.

[Try2BeSupportive]

Thats fine, but Kamille is absolutely right, you need to talk to your WIFE about it, not us.

 

I realize that, and I will eventually talk about it with her. As you have noticed, I tend to be WAY too analytical about things and joining this forum has helped me to talk through some of this. Kind of like a dry run rehearsal. I also can say some dumb things, or at least my way of wording come across as hurtful when that is not my intent. So thanks all for the help.

 

I am still not ready to have the direct discussion with her. I will try some of the less obvious suggestions first, and see how that goes. Like many who have replied on here, my wife is VERY SENSITIVE on this topic. I do not want to start World War 3, but also I cannot ignore what is going on inside me because I have buried it for a year now and I am starting to get resentful.

 

Halloween is next week and I vividly remember last year I started a MAJOR fight in the house because I threw away tons of candy (mostly stuff we bought to give out but was leftover, also some that my kids collected). When she asked me Why? I told her that "nobody in our house really needed that much candy around". She EXPLODED at this! She felt I was trying to control HER diet (and I guess in a way she is right) but I really tried to handle it in a non-personal manner. Honestly my kids and I do NOT need to eat more candy either!!! So despite our fight on this, we never got down to honest discussion of the topic.

[sb129]

Its interesting that she is so sensitive about it.

 

That suggests to me that she is more than aware of the change in her weight, because if she was oblivious to it, she wouldn't be so defensive.

 

I think you may need to be more direct this time round, as you have obviously tried the indirect approach.

 

Why don't YOU buy the halloween candy this year (less than last year, as you obviously don't need that much).

She will ask you about it I guess, and may even provide you with an opening to start the conversation.

 

It sounds like you really really need to talk, otherwise this resentment on both sides is going to poison your marriage.

[Mr. Lucky]

All the people who seem to be going on about self control on here are either a) men or b) women who don't have kids, and both groups obviously don't know how hard it is to lose that weight.

So let's all agree that it's hard for many people to maintain or lose weight as they get older. Does that make it any less important? The underlying question is, what do we "owe" our spouse in terms of committment to our own health and appearance? Like T2beS, I struggle with this in my own relationship...

 

Mr. Lucky

[PWSX3]

Halloween is next week and I vividly remember last year I started a MAJOR fight in the house because I threw away tons of candy (mostly stuff we bought to give out but was leftover, also some that my kids collected). When she asked me Why? I told her that "nobody in our house really needed that much candy around". She EXPLODED at this! She felt I was trying to control HER diet (and I guess in a way she is right) but I really tried to handle it in a non-personal manner. Honestly my kids and I do NOT need to eat more candy either!!! So despite our fight on this, we never got down to honest discussion of the topic.

Just don't throw the candy away right a way. Wait a while then throw just a few pieces away at a time. (I've heard this works )

 

I understand what you are going thru because my W is overweight & she just doesn't want to do anything about it except complain because she is "fat" in her words.

You can't suggest anything because they won't listen, I feel they just have to hit bottom & figure it out on there own. In your case your W I don't feel is that overweight.

 

I also understand how frustrating it can be when it is almost time for bed & the W comes out with her box of crackers & starts eating & readying & you can tell they don't even realize what they are eating.

 

What I have problems with is she found out she has high blood pressure so she is on meds for that, so her overeating will affect me down the road with medical bills & medication I feel she wouldn't have to take if she would see what she is eating.

 

Yes people here say it is your problem but you either have to except your W for who she is or move on without her.

For me it isn't so much the weight or her looking good because she does carry her weight well, but it is the health part that worries me.

 

I really hope you will be able to set down & talk with her, maybe you can go to counseling & bring it up that way so the counselor can help you say it in a way that wouldn't offend your wife.

[Oregon Blackberry]

Throwing away candy is a huge waste. You could have given it to an elderly neighbor to be nice or taken it to work for the work lounge. Think of all the kids who get no pleasures at all in life? They would have loved that candy. Plus, why didn't you ask your wife before throwing away candy that you paid for? That doesn't make any sense. It seems really rude. Also, when kids go trick-or-treating, the kids have felt like they "earned" the candy. It's like taking away their Christmas presents. Rude.

 

p.s. If she loses weight, the desire to do that has to come from her. Did you see the last episode of Grey's Anatomy? A man's girlfriend lost weight to please him, and she ended up dying because of it.

[Try2BeSupportive]

Throwing away candy is a huge waste. You could have given it to an elderly neighbor to be nice or taken it to work for the work lounge. Think of all the kids who get no pleasures at all in life? They would have loved that candy. Plus, why didn't you ask your wife before throwing away candy that you paid for? That doesn't make any sense. It seems really rude. Also, when kids go trick-or-treating, the kids have felt like they "earned" the candy. It's like taking away their Christmas presents. Rude.

 

p.s. If she loses weight, the desire to do that has to come from her. Did you see the last episode of Grey's Anatomy? A man's girlfriend lost weight to please him, and she ended up dying because of it.

 

Say what? My kids get WAY too much sugar/candy and it would be irresponsible to NOT reasonably limit what they keep from halloween. If you know anybody (young or old) who suffers from lack of sweets, let me know because I will send them about 20 pounds of unwanted junk food on Nov 1st.

 

I have never seen the show you mentioned. I am busy living an active live and rarely ever watch TV. Perhaps YOU would like all my surplus candy for your TV viewing pleasure?

[luvmy2ns]

Throwing away candy is a huge waste. You could have given it to an elderly neighbor to be nice or taken it to work for the work lounge. Think of all the kids who get no pleasures at all in life? They would have loved that candy. Plus, why didn't you ask your wife before throwing away candy that you paid for? That doesn't make any sense. It seems really rude. Also, when kids go trick-or-treating, the kids have felt like they "earned" the candy. It's like taking away their Christmas presents. Rude.

 

p.s. If she loses weight, the desire to do that has to come from her. Did you see the last episode of Grey's Anatomy? A man's girlfriend lost weight to please him, and she ended up dying because of it.

 

OMG! That is a really dumb comparison. That girl was a stick, was exercising like a demon, breaking bones and all, and wasn't eating. This poor guy is just trying to find a way to talk to his wife about the fact that she keeps getting bigger and bigger while she over eats and sits in front of the TV every night.

[Mustang Sally]

Look.

OP.

I understand about losing attraction to one's spouse.

From several different angles.

 

My H (and I, too, with having 4 babies - the last 2 of which were in rapid fire succession) gained about 20-30 pounds over 13 yrs of marriage. This certainly affected my physical attraction to my H, and possibly his to me, although he didn't let on, if that was the case.

 

About a year and a half ago, I decided I'd had enough of not being able to get the baby-weight off of myself, and I went on a diet-exercise rampage to get it off. It worked. H saw what I had done, and decided to lose his "baby-weight" also. Now we are both much healthier, for it, and my attraction to him is improved at times - albeit not fixed - you can read some of my other posts to fill in the blanks, if you wish.

 

Now that the physical aspect has improved, it's really just down to us improving the communication/emotional aspects of our R. Do you think there might be some issues in these arenas for you and your W as well?

[bish]

OMG! That is a really dumb comparison. That girl was a stick, was exercising like a demon, breaking bones and all, and wasn't eating. This poor guy is just trying to find a way to talk to his wife about the fact that she keeps getting bigger and bigger while she over eats and sits in front of the TV every night.

 

Or here is a classic scenario. Man harps on a wife's weight...she tries to lose weight but finds it difficult. So he isn't attracted to her anymore...forget loving "for better or for worse"...and neglects her. She loses weight...he now all of a sudden has the hots for her again...but now she decides he doesn't deserve her new figure...and gives it up to someone else.

 

Then on the flipside, there is the husband that loves his wife unconditionally....still shows her all the affection in the world. Loves her for who she is even with the extra pounds. She loses weight...cheats, and divorces a man that would love her no matter what she looked like.

[luvmy2ns]

It's not that easily packaged up, Bish. Could you ever have sex with someone who weighed, say, 500 lbs? 1,000? Where's your cutoff. If a woman loves her husband, or a man loves his wife, they should want to remain reasonably attractive to one another, right? I love food. Yep, sure do, and I'm a great cook. However, I know there's a point I need to stop. Or if I want to eat without thinking too much about counting calories, then I work out. There needs to be a balance.

 

It sounds to me like he loves his wife, but is looking for the right words to voice his concerns to her. What's wrong with that? Why should his wife get to decide what he should find attractive or repulsive? He just feels how he feels. We can't help how we feel. We just feel.

[nittygritty]

I agree that a couple should try to keep looking good for each other but I also have to wonder what Try2besupportive would do if is wife were severely disfigured in a fire or car accident.

[ups&downsoflove]

I completely know what you are going through, and others are so quick to point a finger and tell YOU that you are wrong for feeling the way you do, but it really is a difficult situation. My situation is the opposite, where my boyfriend has completely stopped going to the gym and now eats more fast food & sugary snacks than ever before- - not to mention beer intake! Unlike you though, I have tried talking to him about it, even speaking medically because I am genuinely worried he will develop diabetes at the rate he is going, but he just says "You should love me no matter how I look," and he has told his family, who has also noticed the change, "I'm settled now. I have no one to impress." Its not an easy conversation, and don't be discouraged if she does get defensive about it because, like my boyfriend, she doesn't have a problem with the way she looks. I think the previous suggestion of exercising together, walking around the neighborhood, taking a dance class, run around with your kids at a park, etc is a great way to spend time together. Strengthen a bond that might be a little strained right now, and burn some calories! Approaching it with the angle of spending time together or time with the kids is much more positive than "I want you to lose weight".

[luvmy2ns]

I agree that a couple should try to keep looking good for each other but I also have to wonder what Try2besupportive would do if is wife were severely disfigured in a fire or car accident.

 

He already said that much of it is her behavior of not caring that she's getting big, and leading a sedentary lifestyle while over eating.

 

An accident isn't a choice.

[bish]

It's not that easily packaged up, Bish. Could you ever have sex with someone who weighed, say, 500 lbs? 1,000?

 

In a case like that it is a matter of, "we have to cut a huge hole in the side of the house to get you to the hospital"....

 

this isn't the case with this guy. My stbxW gained a good 40 lbs. i loved her and still wanted to get jiggy with her, even though I was still fit and went to the gym myself. I never mentioned her weight, although she did...when she did, I encouraged her to eat better and workout...not for me, but for her. Sure I'd reap the benefits, but I still loved her either way and didn't neglect her because of her weight.

 

But then again, wouldn't you know it, she loses the weight and ends up messing around with someone that is superficial. So now when she blows up like a balloon again, which is already starting to happen...this guy will be looking to one up her...and I'm gonna laugh my ass off when it happens.

[luvmy2ns]

In a case like that it is a matter of, "we have to cut a huge hole in the side of the house to get you to the hospital"....

 

I think the OP is afraid that if he doesn't say something now, she will balloon up to a point where she feels desperate and unable to do anything about it. But that's just my take on it. I could be wrong.

[nittygritty]

He already said that much of it is her behavior of not caring that she's getting big, and leading a sedentary lifestyle while over eating.

 

An accident isn't a choice.

 

Gotcha, I hadn't read through all of this thread.

 

Somebody may have already suggested this but surprising her with a tropical island beach vacation may kickstart her motivation to start getting in shape.

 

Other ideas:

 

Gym membership

Personal Trainer

Professional weight loss program

Treadmill or other home equipment

 

He needs to tell her he will support whatever way works best for her but that he loves her so much he can't stand the thought of something ever happening to her health. That they both need to start eating right and exercising.

[sb129]

I think the OP is afraid that if he doesn't say something now, she will balloon up to a point where she feels desperate and unable to do anything about it. But that's just my take on it. I could be wrong.

 

This is what I think too, however, it sounds like he doesn't know how to approach it without sounding shallow.

 

I still think there may be some deeper issues here.

Communication is obviously a problem to some degree, and I think there is a reason as to why she is overeating, although what that reason is I'm not sure.

[bish]

I think the OP is afraid that if he doesn't say something now, she will balloon up to a point where she feels desperate and unable to do anything about it. But that's just my take on it. I could be wrong.

 

Nah, with what he is saying, it is a matter of attraction..not concern for her well being. He isn't concerned if she will blow up bigger...he thinks she looks atrocious with the 50 extra pounds or whatever it is.

 

Its about his attraction to her. Hell, I'd like to see a picture of this guy. See if he is all that and a bag of chips to be talking.

[bish]

Gotcha, I hadn't read through all of this thread.

 

Somebody may have already suggested this but surprising her with a tropical island beach vacation may kickstart her motivation to start getting in shape.

 

Other ideas:

 

Gym membership

Personal Trainer

Professional weight loss program

Treadmill or other home equipment

 

Thats all good stuff...but all of it will be a waste of time if people don't eat right. You can run on the treadmill for hours a day and still not lose any weight if you don't eat right.

[nittygritty]

Thats all good stuff...but all of it will be a waste of time if people don't eat right. You can run on the treadmill for hours a day and still not lose any weight if you don't eat right.

 

I know that. I was just offering suggestions for Try2besupportive to sensitively approach his wife about her weight.

 

The real bottom line with this is she has to want to lose weight by eating right and exercising.

 

She's probably already very aware of her weight gain and how her husband feels about it.

[RecordProducer]

Now that the physical aspect has improved, it's really just down to us improving the communication/emotional aspects of our R. Do you think there might be some issues in these arenas for you and your W as well?

Sally, that's a very good (rhetorical) question. I'll answer it for you nonetheless: judging by his attitudes and how he approaches problems, it's not hard to guess that the communication between him and his wife is very poor.

[Mustang Sally]

Sally, that's a very good (rhetorical) question. I'll answer it for you nonetheless: judging by his attitudes and how he approaches problems, it's not hard to guess that the communication between him and his wife is very poor.

I know, RP.

I was really just being the Master of the Obvious again, hoping to inspire (?) some sort of revelation (???) in the OP.

 

And I agree with your conclusion.

[luvmy2ns]

Sally, that's a very good (rhetorical) question. I'll answer it for you nonetheless: judging by his attitudes and how he approaches problems, it's not hard to guess that the communication between him and his wife is very poor.

 

I'm sorry, but I don't think you're being fair. He actually came on this site asking for suggestions on how to approach his wife without hurting her feelings. And you think he has a communication problem? Maybe the communication problem is hers, and he knows that, so is walking on egg shells regarding how to approach her best, which is why he came to us. At least this shows he does care about her feelings.

[allina]

You can run on the treadmill for hours a day and still not lose any weight if you don't eat right.

 

Actually this is false, keeping all things the same running on a treadmill will cause you to lose weight. Running on a treadmill for one minute burns at least 10 calories. Hours must mean at least two, so at least 120 minutes. So running on a treadmill for hours in a day will burn off at the very least 1,200 calories, a large amount that will cause you to lose weight, especially if done at least 3 times a week.