out of the blue, ex wants to meet up...

[heartoutside]

right now, I'm ignoring her. I didn't reply or react in anyway to her text or her sending that guy a facebook cuddle poke (or whatever the hell they are called). I had a talk with one of my buddies friends last night, he and his GF just decided to go on a break the night before and he was amazing cool about it. But he's been through crap like this before with another girl, so I think that helps. But he had some good words of advice and I've been thinking about them.

 

Storm, you still haven't shown me your link......

[Pentula77]

"sweety, were friends now, but I'm seeing another girl at the moment and I'm not sure she'd appreciate you texting me all the time so can u give it a rest...cheers"

 

tough love

[Pentula77]

This story is so lame and a repeat of so many that guys post. Bottom line is as soon as they give you any of this ******, cut em off and cut em out.

 

End of story.

 

****** being

 

I'm confused

I need time to think

I need space

I need time apart (but maybe in a month we can try again)

My feelings for you have changed

Can we be friends still

 

As soon as you hear this stuff you need to get tough. You might be able to rescue it but basically you shouldn't have to "try" nor ask. She pretty much has to beg to get back in.

 

Spartens we are lads....go forth.

[storm]

cuddle poke?? What the heck is that. I don't even want to know.

 

Boy do you have a bunch of threads going. I'd try to keep the same one going.

 

Here is a link to my story again. It will probably take a while to read.

 

http://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/4-year-girlfriend-broke-up-me-sucks-106123-12.html

[heartoutside]

Yeah, I doubt I'll start any new threads. There isn't much else to start. I usually started a new thread when there was new chapter, I guess I'm on the last one now. WHAT WILL THE END HAVE IN STORE FOR OUR HERO?!

[heartoutside]

So at some point last week, I think thursday or so I got a text from my ex saying "why numb?" in response to my mood on Myspace (stupid game, that I'm done playing, changed my mood to nothing and that's that!). I didn't reply at all. Then about 2 days later, last friday I think I got another text, "what you doin?" I didn't reply because I was working and she knows if she wants to talk to me she can call because I"m not playing the text message game. Then about 30mins later another text, "are you mad at me?" I don't reply again.

 

2 hours later, i'm getting ready to go out to meet up with a new group of friends and a high school friend I've reconnected with and my phone rings. I don't get to it in time but see it's my ex. I don't call back right away because I"m still getting ready and I'm running late. But as I'm walking out the door I call her (because I know I have a reason to keep the conversation short) and I ask her what's up, and she says "nothing, just making dinner." She hasn't called me in 2 months, so I was kind of wondering why she called, so I was kind of puzzled as to why she called for no reason. We talk for a few more mins and she asks what I"m up too and I tell her I'm going to my friends birthday party for her dog, she then instantly gets pissie. I tell her I have to go, because I'm about to start driving and it's illegal to drive with a cell phone in your hand. She gets even more pissed and says bye and I say bye and that I thought was it.

 

Then about 5 mins later I get a text, "you can be such a mean person sometimes!" What?!?

 

Like a fool and not taking a step back to think, I call her back (Which is exactly the reaction she wanted to get out of me with that comment!) and I say, so I'm a mean person huh? and start laughing, she says don't laugh. You can be so mean sometimes. And I ask her how I was being mean, and she goes on to tell me that if I didn't have time to talk and I was busy then I shouldn't have called back. And I went on to explain to her that she hasn't called in 2 months so I thought I was being nice in returning her call. She contiunes to get upset, so I change the subject quickly and she instantly changes her tone and instantly sounds calm and nice. I ask her what she's making for dinner and what she's up too and then I end the conversation by saying enjoy your dinner and she tells me to enjoy my party.

 

That was the end of that....

 

Another funny thing happened earlier in the week. About a week ago or so, I posted a bulletin on myspace for a going away party I was having at my place for my old roommate (also an old roommate and friend of my ex). My ex already knew about the party because I told her about it at our lunch the other week. About 3 hours after I posted the party invite, my ex's roommate posts a party invite on facebook, and I guess they decided to have a last min. bday party for her roommates' friend the same night as my party. At first I thought nothing of it, but then I started thinking they probably did that just to be asses. I mean if I were having a birthday party for a good friend I would have thought of having a party months in advance, not 5 days.

 

Needless to say, I logged on to myspace and facebook today to upload the pics from my party so my buddie could send them out to his friends, and I noticed that my ex had changed her pic to a picture of her and this new "guy" she's been hanging out with.....

 

The only thing that is helping me get through the thought of this new guy is 2 things; one: everyone of my friends who has met him has said that they thought he was gay the minute they met him (even my gay friend told me way back when not to worry about this guy because he's gay!) and two: several people have told me that if it is a relationship they are in, it won't last.

 

But I can't and won't sit around and wait for it to fail.........Right now my number ONE priority is me, and my distant 2nd priority is getting back together with her.

[Spinderella]

I dont think she is going to realise what her feelings are for you, while you are both still in contact AT ALL. She wont come back, because she hasnt actually had a chance to have enough space to see things objectively and work out her feelings. When you ignore her, she will try everything. It isnt fair to just ignore her, because its confusing at this point. Tell her again, that you dont want to be in contact anymore because neither of you are really moving on while you are. Then ignore her calls, messages and everything. You will never get her back by doing what you are doing, she needs time to figure out what she wants. Also you will never heal while you continue. Be kind, tell her again, then NC. It wont be a matter of a few weeks, I would predict about a month or two before she really knows how she feels.

[heartoutside]

I dont think she is going to realise what her feelings are for you, while you are both still in contact AT ALL. She wont come back, because she hasnt actually had a chance to have enough space to see things objectively and work out her feelings. When you ignore her, she will try everything. It isnt fair to just ignore her, because its confusing at this point. Tell her again, that you dont want to be in contact anymore because neither of you are really moving on while you are. Then ignore her calls, messages and everything. You will never get her back by doing what you are doing, she needs time to figure out what she wants. Also you will never heal while you continue. Be kind, tell her again, then NC. It wont be a matter of a few weeks, I would predict about a month or two before she really knows how she feels.

 

So I should tell her that I'm doing NC so I can move on and heal? How exactly do I tell her without making it seem so negative that I think we shouldn't talk to each other for a while? I know she'll see it as we can be friends if she gives me the space, I personally think that is all she wants, but then again, I don't think she would have said I want to sleep next to you if she just wanted to be friends

 

My brother said something along these lines yesterday, that she and I haven't really had any space from each other. She never took it from day one (even though she asked for space), I did, but she instantly called me telling me she loved me and missed me, and hasn't stopped contacting since. The only time she did stop contacting me is when she thought I had moved on. My brother said I need to take a good solid amount of time with no contact or just extremely limited contact...

 

the hard part is we work together, and have a lot of the same friends, so I do run into her from time to time...how do I go about reacting in those

situations?

 

 

Tell her again, that you dont want to be in contact anymore because neither of you are really moving on while you are.

 

I don't understand what you mean by this? neither of us are moving on while I am?

[Spinderella]

I meant neither of you are moving on while you are in contact with each other.

How is it negative to say that?

Yes, its obvious she is afraid to lose you, but, her reasons for being afraid are not clear. She wont be able to understand them, without time completely away from you, that means total nc, not lc.

[heartoutside]

I didn't mean to imply it was negative, I just didn't understand what you meant by it, thanks.....

[CaliGuy]

NC is not something you announce.

 

It's something you just DO.

[Newtotheblogthing]

It's true right? While we are still in contact, neither REALLY moves on or get's perspective on the the relationship.

 

What Spinderella said makes so much sense to me.. I am in a similiar situation heartoutside. Still in contact, game playing etc.. Whatever THEIR motives are for keeping us around, I am not playing at it anymore. It tears me up and gives him what he wants. Me in his life, on his terms. New gf and everything. I did it to him as well when we first broke up a few months back. He then turned the tables. both of us are selfish..

 

So, last night I sent an email and just said that I wasn't willing to be his back up anything.. (We have slept together a few times since he started dating his new gf) We both made mistakes, we are not horrible people who set out to hurt anyone but it's done. Let's respect what we had and be kind and respectful toward one another but essentially, this isn't helping me to be the person I want to be. It's hindering me!

 

I said that I was done with game playing, with texts with all of it. I ended it with I want you to be happy and if you are then great!

I actually mean it this time. Well sort of. I want the new gf to fall off the face of the earth but whatever.. green is an ugly color right?

 

Can you let it go... for now? Just for now? We run the risk of them really moving on but I think it would be a good idea.

 

If you need to write something just make it sound like it's just better for you. I stayed away from healing etc.. I acted like it just wasn't working for ME. No big deal, I care but not something I want right now.

 

I don't know if this helps at all or makes sense!

[Newtotheblogthing]

Everytime I see Caliguy I get nervous. I know he has a better handle on things right now.. he answered the NC question. I did the opposite.. Oh well.

[storm]

Yes. Never let her know your plan. No contact for you and do not let her know. This has gone on too long. She needs to experience life without you. Did talking to her get you anywhere again?????? No! Do you feel any closer to getting back together with her? Yet again, just another drug fix for you.

 

Unless you like hanging around ,until she finds a replacement. She has the best of both worlds. Nothing for her to worry about, you obviously aren't going anywhere so she will never make a decision.

[CaliGuy]

Everytime I see Caliguy I get nervous. I know he has a better handle on things right now.. he answered the NC question. I did the opposite.. Oh well.

 

LOL. It took me a while to get to this place, but I'm completely happy and have no desire to see/talk/think about my ex anymore. I even received an email from my ex's mom on Thursday and won't reply to it. She's just trying to keep in touch and as much as I care about her family, it's not good to stay in contact with them.

 

No reason to be nervous when I post. I'm here to help other people through the pain I've already dealt with. If I can come through relatively unscathed and happy, so can everyone else

[Spinderella]

NC is not something you announce.

 

It's something you just DO.

 

I disagree. And you dont scare me .

Considering they have been in contact it would be very rude to ignore her without saying something. Ok its all good to look after ourselves, but, it doesnt mean we have to treat other people like they are dirt we owe no explanation to.

[CaliGuy]

I disagree. And you dont scare me .

Considering they have been in contact it would be very rude to ignore her without saying something. Ok its all good to look after ourselves, but, it doesnt mean we have to treat other people like they are dirt we owe no explanation to.

 

 

Announcing NC is often perceived as being manipulative.

 

What you are saying: "Hey, I am not going to contact you."

What they hear: "I desperately want to seem like I'm ok without you but really I am not."

 

Keeping in contact was the first mistake. Announcing NC would be the second. Just stop contacting her. That's all he has to do. The sooner he does so, the better off he'll be in the long run.

[storm]

They haven't been in contact. She is just messing with him. What she is doing is rude. Telling him she wanted to sleep next to him, getting his hopes up. Asking him if he wanted to go to dinner and backing out. She is the rude one. Breaking up with him was rude. Obviously he isn't such a bad guy and she is just out of her mind and thinks she can find better.

 

Don't tell her you are going no contact. You do not owe her anything. And it is not rude to end all this madness and ignore her.

[CaliGuy]

So I should tell her that I'm doing NC so I can move on and heal? How exactly do I tell her without making it seem so negative that I think we shouldn't talk to each other for a while? I know she'll see it as we can be friends if she gives me the space, I personally think that is all she wants, but then again, I don't think she would have said I want to sleep next to you if she just wanted to be friends

 

My brother said something along these lines yesterday, that she and I haven't really had any space from each other. She never took it from day one (even though she asked for space), I did, but she instantly called me telling me she loved me and missed me, and hasn't stopped contacting since. The only time she did stop contacting me is when she thought I had moved on. My brother said I need to take a good solid amount of time with no contact or just extremely limited contact...

 

the hard part is we work together, and have a lot of the same friends, so I do run into her from time to time...how do I go about reacting in those

situations?

 

 

Tell her again, that you dont want to be in contact anymore because neither of you are really moving on while you are.

 

I don't understand what you mean by this? neither of us are moving on while I am?

 

She said she wanted space, right? GIVE IT TO HER.

 

Cut off the contact. Don't announce it, just do it.

[Spinderella]

Perhaps you are right Caliguy

[CaliGuy]

Perhaps you are right Caliguy

 

Understand my advice has nothing to do with her. It's about his healing and moving on. If he announces NC to her she will definitely see it as him trying to manipulate her in some way.

 

Simply disappearing like a ship in the night is the best way for him.

 

COLD TURKEY! (It works!)

[heartoutside]

They haven't been in contact. She is just messing with him. What she is doing is rude. Telling him she wanted to sleep next to him, getting his hopes up. Asking him if he wanted to go to dinner and backing out. She is the rude one. Breaking up with him was rude. Obviously he isn't such a bad guy and she is just out of her mind and thinks she can find better.

 

Don't tell her you are going no contact. You do not owe her anything. And it is not rude to end all this madness and ignore her.

 

 

Thanks for saying that, feels good to hear it from another person who doesn't even know me or the whole lived in situation. Seriously, thanks.

 

I'm shocked that this got so many replies in the 5 hours I was at work! I do agree, it doesn't make any sense to let her know that I'm going in NC. It wouldn't serve any purpose and almost make the point of NC "pointless." I'm going to try my hardest to do, but I can't make any promises.

 

I've been doing a lot of thinking today thanks to an email my friend sent me (she's also good friends with my ex, but is the only one who doesn't tell either of us a damn thing about the other, she's the best neutral friends I've ever seen!). She basically asked 2 questions of me;

 

One: Do you think you are seeing a different side (ex's name)? Is it a side you like or dislike?

 

and

 

Two: If you were to get back together, what's to say she wouldn't change her mind again? Can you ever really trust her like you did before?

 

Both are kind of sobering and painful questions to answer and I think the 2nd one, (after what has happened in the past 2 weeks esp) is really hitting home and making me wake up. I think seeing the way she has treated me and the way she can so easily "use" this new guy just shows me that she really needs help. I know she's not an evil person, just really messed up (and really in need of a true mother figure!)

 

I love her, I know that, I will always love her, but I know if I loved someone like I love her I could never treat that person the way she has been treating me, even if she is just totally confused and isn't thinking straight, it's no excuse. It sucks to say it, because when you put so much faith in someone, so much love and trust you want to think that it wouldn't be pulled out from under you. That it would be easily returned, that she would never treat me like she's been treating me. I would never in a million years thought she could treat me like this, I guess I was wrong.

 

I do find it hard to believe that she and I can ever get back to where we once were, not without her doing some serious thinking and waking up (and getting real help). She's in a bad place, as much as she thinks she's in a good one, it's not and I'm thinking it won't last long (her kidding herself). But I'm done trying to save her, I don't need a women who needs saving!

 

I'm going to go for NC, i'm going to try my hardest, but again we do run into each other from time to time. So far, I've been able to handle it like a pro, I put on a good face and have a good time, a genuine good time. We'll see if I can keep it up!

 

Thanks again, any more advice is more then welcome.

[niceguy27]

 

I love her, I know that, I will always love her, but I know if I loved someone like I love her I could never treat that person the way she has been treating me, even if she is just totally confused and isn't thinking straight, it's no excuse. It sucks to say it, because when you put so much faith in someone, so much love and trust you want to think that it wouldn't be pulled out from under you. That it would be easily returned, that she would never treat me like she's been treating me. I would never in a million years thought she could treat me like this, I guess I was wrong.

 

That is your answer. All things aside, I am starting to see that myself with every new day. Why is it that WE are left with having given so much yet in reality have gotten so little in return?

 

Where is the woman who is willing and able to give back that love in return? Its a hard hard way to look at it. But its brutally honest. You would never treat her like that but if she can...Well, that I think my friend is where the majority of our pain comes from. Betrayal of the heart. After all that time we thought they returned our love in kind, we see now that it was mostly a one-way street.

[heartoutside]

I wouldn't say I got "so little in return." At least not in my relationship, she and I had an amazing relationship and she loved me from day one (and then I guess lost the love), so it wouldn't be fair for me to say she never gave anything in our 4 years, she gave a lot and had a lot of love for us and me. It's just somewhere she got lost or confused and I paid the price (actually she paid the price !)

 

Yeah, I didn't get the ultimate "return" of marrying her and spending the rest of my life with my best friend, but there was plenty of return in it....maybe not right now or for the past 3 months, that's for sure! But there is no doubt in my heart that she returned my love and at times gave it when I didn't return it....I never saw a one way street with my ex, that's why this whole thing makes no sense, and maybe it never will.....

[heartoutside]

Woke up this morning and logged on to facebook and noticed that my ex has changed her relationship status from single to in a relationship! Did it on myspace as well....I haven't reacted, she's still on both of my friend lists on myspace and facebook, and the odd thing is she still has this virtual pet named after me on her myspace page. I guess she wants to be in a relationship with this guy, it only took her 4 months and constant texting, and telling me she wanted to sleep next to me not less then a week and a half ago!

 

I don't know if she reacting to 2 things that happened this past weekend, 1: the phone conversation where I had to cut her short because I told her I was going out with a girl "friend" and 2: At my party this weekend, a mutual friend of ours, her best friend was sitting next to me while I was talking to my buddie about this girl (so naturally that info got back to her!).

 

 

Or maybe she just wants to be in a relationship with this kid, even though everyone has told me it won't last, and sadly I don't think people will expect him into our circle of friends. I mean my ex and this kid will never go on double dates like she and I did with our good friends. No one has liked the way she's handled this from day one, and she's paying the price....

 

I guess I move on for good.......it sucks that she had to draw this out for 4 months, and then get super odd at the end! I mean who sends a text saying they want to sleep next to you, and then a week later their in a relationship with someone else who's been trying to date this girl for 4 months.

 

I don't remember having to sit around for 4 months to date a girl.....or for her to say we're dating. The sad thing is I want to think this is just a rebound relationship, because this kid isn't the type of guy my ex would date, which has me stumped. He's a girlie boy, dresses like he works at American Eagle and spikes his hair. Oh well......I've got to keep reminding myself to worry about me and focus on me.....I hope I can, this really hasn't set in yet, and probably won't for a little while....