raise your hand if you are a OM/OW

[april sunshine]

I am typing with one hand...and raising the other...

[OpenBook]

Oh, and it seems to me that there are some betrayed spouses who like to lurk here,

like a church deacon hanging out in front of a strip club.

 

They get a chance to scold us and maybe even whack us with a taliban stick.

 

And don't tell any of the BS types that they might have contributed to their spouse's waywardness.

They're touchy about that - they get a little pissed.

 

Amen to that! Their intention seems to be to hold themselves up to OM/OWs as shining examples of paragons of virtue ("I'm a good wife, I would NEVER cheat, it's such an immoral way of life, OW's are skanks," ad infinitum, ad nauseum). They look for signs of remorse from us ("Hope you've learned your lesson"). It seems to be a catharsis for them, exorcising their demons out on us.

 

And it's WAY more fun and WAY easier for them to attack the OW's character rather than dealing with their duplicitous H's ("I blame the OW more than my H, she KNEW he was M" - well, what about him - did he just FORGET he was M?? like misplacing his socks??).

 

Well, if their intention is to promote the sanctity of marriage, IT'S NOT WORKING. It just makes me SO grateful I'm not in their shoes, and SO relieved to be single.

 

And I certainly hope they never get into a position where people are tempted to cast stones at THEM. Because they would be TOAST.

 

So now I'm entertaining thoughts of seeking out unhappy MW's who need some TLC. They seem to be popping up everywhere.

 

I have the same reaction. But from an OG (Other Gender) point of view. It's not my fault!! They drove me to it!!

 

BTW (to get back to the point of the thread), I'm a former OW. Happened years ago. I regret it immensely, and I did learn from it... Never get married!!!

[PoshPrincess]

Excellent post, OpenBook!

[Lizzie60]

Amen to that... very well said... thanks.

[silktricks]

So many proclaiming to be OW...you can tell by the posts who is who...

 

And even though it is *supposed* to be the OW forum, I don't see that many *real* OW posting anymore...it is more like the BS forum when you read the threads...

 

LS seems to go in circles - like so many things. I've been posting here for 'bout a year and a half, and when I first started the BS got the shaft heavily from the OW. Then it fell the other way, and the BS seemed to take control. IMHO it seems to be more even handed now then I've ever seen it before. Both BS and OW seem to have a lot of strength. But that's just my opinion.

 

I was an OW long ago, though I relate more as a BS most of the time, as that's what I experienced most recently. Seldom, though, is a person only one thing, we all have many facets to our personalities and most have experienced a number things in our lives.

 

If you consider an OW to be only a person who is currently an OW, then I don't fit, but that wasn't what the question was.

[frygirl]

I’m really glad I started this thread now. Its good to see who here has actual experience in the topic of this forum. Its also good to see how varied the range of OW/OM are here. Those who are regretful and try to counsel others away from MM/MW and those that are currently involved in an A and seeking advice on how to precede. I think its good to have such varying points of view. My point in starting this was to see who really knew what they were talking about. And now that I’ve gotten you all here in one thread I would love to maybe use this as a thread to actually have discussions amongst the actual OM/OW. Maybe like a safe thread that only they would post in. So far those that are not OM/OW have respectfully not posted here and I really appreciate that. Its not that their opinions and advice are not worth anything, but I think it might be interesting to have a place for the OM/OW to speak with those who really do know what they are going through.

 

Ironically, I am not and never have been a OW. So I guess I probably shouldn’t be posting here either. I’ve been drawn to this part of the forum based on some of my own personal experiences though. I was once married and am now divorced and have a some what different point of view of cheating and affairs. I have been through A LOT of marriage counseling and one of the things that really stuck with me after my marriage was over was the idea of “ownership.” Many people seem to think that once you get married it is as if you “own” your spouse. My counselor explained to me that it was not a case of ownership but a promise and commitment that has to be remade every day. Once you decide that you “own” some one, you fall into a place of complacency that is very dangerous. It happens in most marriages these days and results in people no longer putting effort into their relationship because they feel that their spouse belongs to them like a piece of property. That is why my marriage ended. My XH didn’t feel the need to put any sort of effort into our marriage because as far as he was concerned I belonged to him and that would never change.

 

I’m not justifying cheating or affairs, but I do believe that when some one goes outside their marriage it is them making a conscious choice to break their commitment. And although it may not be fair or right, it is their choice. When you get married you don’t loose your right to make choices for yourself. Nobody belongs to anybody else. And it is because of that you can never take your spouse for granted or stop putting effort into your life together. In the end if your spouse still leaves you or has an affair it means the relationship wasn’t working for them, and they just weren’t the right person for you. Its sad, but true.

 

I know most people would not agree with me, but as some one that was once in a marriage that did not work I understand that just because a person is married doesn’t mean they’ve lost the right to choose the direction for their life even if it does not include their spouse. Every one has the right to leave if they choose. Although I did not choose to cheat or have an affair, I did choose to leave and understand that often times those that do cheat are doing so because they aren’t happy and are looking for an escape. Those that have had partners cheat should really focus less of their reflection on the affairs and put more thought into why their spouse was not happy in the relationship. More times than not, the affairs are not the reason they eventually leave.

[EnigmaXOXO]

So far those that are not OM/OW have respectfully not posted here and I really appreciate that.

 

Actually, I posted and I have never been involved in an affair. Sorry.

 

Ironically, I am not and never have been a OW. So I guess I probably shouldn’t be posting here either.

 

Shew! Well at least it’s nice to know I’m not the only accidental party crasher. Then again, I was never among those who were quick to assume you were the “other woman” just because you started the role-call thread.

 

Welcome to the crazy world of LS. Hope you eventually find the answers you’re looking for ...

[Freedom Now]

I have been the OW.

 

And if I would allow it, my xMM would keep me as his OW.

 

(yawn)

 

[FavoriteHeadache]

I’m really glad I started this thread now. Its good to see who here has actual experience in the topic of this forum. Its also good to see how varied the range of OW/OM are here. Those who are regretful and try to counsel others away from MM/MW and those that are currently involved in an A and seeking advice on how to precede. I think its good to have such varying points of view. My point in starting this was to see who really knew what they were talking about. And now that I’ve gotten you all here in one thread I would love to maybe use this as a thread to actually have discussions amongst the actual OM/OW. Maybe like a safe thread that only they would post in. So far those that are not OM/OW have respectfully not posted here and I really appreciate that. Its not that their opinions and advice are not worth anything, but I think it might be interesting to have a place for the OM/OW to speak with those who really do know what they are going through.

 

Ironically, I am not and never have been a OW. So I guess I probably shouldn’t be posting here either. I’ve been drawn to this part of the forum based on some of my own personal experiences though. I was once married and am now divorced and have a some what different point of view of cheating and affairs. I have been through A LOT of marriage counseling and one of the things that really stuck with me after my marriage was over was the idea of “ownership.” Many people seem to think that once you get married it is as if you “own” your spouse. My counselor explained to me that it was not a case of ownership but a promise and commitment that has to be remade every day. Once you decide that you “own” some one, you fall into a place of complacency that is very dangerous. It happens in most marriages these days and results in people no longer putting effort into their relationship because they feel that their spouse belongs to them like a piece of property. That is why my marriage ended. My XH didn’t feel the need to put any sort of effort into our marriage because as far as he was concerned I belonged to him and that would never change.

 

I’m not justifying cheating or affairs, but I do believe that when some one goes outside their marriage it is them making a conscious choice to break their commitment. And although it may not be fair or right, it is their choice. When you get married you don’t loose your right to make choices for yourself. Nobody belongs to anybody else. And it is because of that you can never take your spouse for granted or stop putting effort into your life together. In the end if your spouse still leaves you or has an affair it means the relationship wasn’t working for them, and they just weren’t the right person for you. Its sad, but true.

 

I know most people would not agree with me, but as some one that was once in a marriage that did not work I understand that just because a person is married doesn’t mean they’ve lost the right to choose the direction for their life even if it does not include their spouse. Every one has the right to leave if they choose. Although I did not choose to cheat or have an affair, I did choose to leave and understand that often times those that do cheat are doing so because they aren’t happy and are looking for an escape. Those that have had partners cheat should really focus less of their reflection on the affairs and put more thought into why their spouse was not happy in the relationship. More times than not, the affairs are not the reason they eventually leave.

 

 

You make some really very great points. The only thing I could disagree with somewhat is that having an A is necessarily a "decision". Sometimes it just happens and you end up finding yourself in the middle of something and you don't really know how you got there. It's not always something that one consciously decides. Sometimes feelings (emotions) overwhelm the rational thought process and you don't see things clearly until later after you have acted out of NEED and not necessarily WANT.

[GregsBad]

Those that have had partners cheat should really focus less of their reflection on the affairs and put more thought into why their spouse was not happy in the relationship.

 

I appreciate this. I think there is a shortage on the part of many of the BS posters here ... in that they resist owning any responsibility in the breakdowns that contibuted to wandering.

 

In fact ... I searched and can't find ANY postings from a BS who admits to shortcomings that contibuted to the final act of cheating. Some of the men have said they're only guilty for working so hard to pay the bills or something like that. They never say anything about how they now realize they forgot to show her how sexy she is nor reassure her of his love. One even sounds like hells angle biker, "I told the bitch how much I love her, every goddamned day!"

 

Many of the female BS do it similarly, only in a female way.

 

Do ANY of them ever write here, anything about how they added to the progression that ended up in adultery?

 

It's like you said.

It's like, any and all imperfections MUST be accepted. Because I OWN you now.

NONE of my imperfections will EVER give you the right to love another man.

[whichwayisup]

in that they resist owning any responsibility in the breakdowns that contibuted to wandering.

 

I've rarely seen that actually. Maybe OW/OM seem to believe that, but most of the threads I've seen past and present, BS's are the ones who realize the marriage had issues before their partner chose to cheat. Though, with that being said, there are some WS who cheat, even if the marriage is pretty good and it's unfair to that the BS should shoulder the blame that WS chose to cheat instead of SPEAK.

[frygirl]

I've rarely seen that actually.

 

That's strange, because I see it all the time. In fact it seems to be a trend.

 

And I didn;t see you raise your hand earlier. Are you a OM/OW?

[LucreziaBorgia]

I guess I should say here that I've been the worst type of cakewoman in the world too. Many, many times. That is generally the perspective that I post from rather than the OW point of view, and its not a pretty site.

 

OW/OM say how in love they are with the MM/MW and how different they are, and how much they care for them - but trust me on this one: a cakeman or cakewoman can be loving, but they have one set of best interests in mind: their own. The mind of a cakeman/cakewoman can be ugly, and mercinary. It isn't a perspective you get to see too often, because cakewoman/cakeman turn on the A game when they want something, and can seem like the most loving, charming person on the planet. Why do you think so many OW/OM fall in love with them? Unfortunately, the cakewoman/cakeman are 'under the bus throwers' though when it comes right down to the wire. When it comes time to save someone's ass, the cakewoman/cakeman are going to save their own first, and their BS's second, and the OW/OM not at all.

 

Glad those days are behind me as well. Man, am I glad.

 

They say you learn from your mistakes, and not your successes - by this time I ought to have my PhD.

[silktricks]

In fact ... I searched and can't find ANY postings from a BS who admits to shortcomings that contibuted to the final act of cheating.

 

Then you haven't read very many of my posts, because I've pretty consistently taken responsibility for my part of our problems. Everything wasn't my fault, but I absolutely take responsibility for 1/2 of the fault.

[BusinessSocks]

Raising my hand as a former OW...I married my guy:love: and we have 3 beautiful children together.

[GregsBad]

Then you haven't read very many of my posts, because I've pretty consistently taken responsibility for my part of our problems. Everything wasn't my fault, but I absolutely take responsibility for 1/2 of the fault.

 

You're right and thank you for correcting me (sincerely).

[GregsBad]

I guess I should say here that I've been the worst type of cakewoman in the world too. Many, many times. That is generally the perspective that I post from rather than the OW point of view, and its not a pretty site.

 

OW/OM say how in love they are with the MM/MW and how different they are, and how much they care for them - but trust me on this one: a cakeman or cakewoman can be loving, but they have one set of best interests in mind: their own. The mind of a cakeman/cakewoman can be ugly, and mercinary. It isn't a perspective you get to see too often, because cakewoman/cakeman turn on the A game when they want something, and can seem like the most loving, charming person on the planet. Why do you think so many OW/OM fall in love with them? Unfortunately, the cakewoman/cakeman are 'under the bus throwers' though when it comes right down to the wire. When it comes time to save someone's ass, the cakewoman/cakeman are going to save their own first, and their BS's second, and the OW/OM not at all.

 

Glad those days are behind me as well. Man, am I glad.

 

They say you learn from your mistakes, and not your successes - by this time I ought to have my PhD.

 

Scary but I get your point and agree about how mercinary people can be in watching out for #1.

 

But I'm not sure what you mean by cakeperson? Where does that come from?

[Lizzie60]

someone who wants to have his cake and eat it too. I think.

[frygirl]

someone who wants to have his cake and eat it too. I think.

 

I don't like the use that term actually. Although it may be accurate in describing a great many people, its used around here a little too much. I don't think everyone who has ever had an affair or cheated is a cake eater. I think it is a way of just dismissing the MM/MW and lumping them all in the same category.

[Lizzie60]

I don't like the use that term actually. Although it may be accurate in describing a great many people, its used around here a little too much. I don't think everyone who has ever had an affair or cheated is a cake eater. I think it is a way of just dismissing the MM/MW and lumping them all in the same category.

 

Before I came to these kinds of forums... I thought this expression was funny ...

 

Cake eater... Who wouldn't want to eat a cake if they have one? (I mean literally)... They were talking about his expression on the radio the other day... and the host was saying the same thing... 'why not eat your cake...hey cake is good'...

[LucreziaBorgia]

This article on the cakeman sums it up pretty well.

 

I'd say more often than not, people who have affairs fall into the 'cakeman' category.

[Scott_W]

This article on the cakeman sums it up pretty well.

 

I'd say more often than not, people who have affairs fall into the 'cakeman' category.

 

I read this article. - thanks.

I've been in a NC state for several weeks now

 

I don't like thinking of my (ex)MW this way, but it helps to stick to my decision.

I've been in love with a CakeWoman for 7 years.

 

"The best advice is to play your life honestly. If a relationship is over, then bury it. If you are in a marriage and have met someone else, think before you act. - The emotional stability you save might be your own!"

[frannie]

OW here, and have been for three years.

 

Since this board became something of a three-ring circus, or generously put, a place for debating the ethics of having an affair, rather than a place for OW/OM to discuss their own situations and get support for their decisions (whether to leave or to stay), then I'm just one of many long-term OW who just don't bother posting here any longer.

[oavada]

im new here...let me get this straight-

 

om- other man

ow- other woman

bs - ?

ws - ?

mm - married man

mw - married woman

nc - ?

so - significant other

[Freedom Now]

BS Betrayed spouse

WS Wayward spouse

NC No contact