Fiancees Past haunts me to no ends. Driving me crazy!

[genki]

Sit back, take a seat, sip on a drink and lets begin my tales of woes

 

 

8 Months back I met this girl(japanese) in japan. We were friends and then we started going out. Everything was great till 3-4months in I asked her how many guys shes had and she told me shed slept with 2 guys. All along I had played this game where I let her think I had slept around before.

 

Since then more and more and more sordid details have come out.

 

Im now at a point where I find it hard to believe her especially in regards to her past. She has continually lied about it and I have caught her lies out.

 

She told me shed never performed oral sex, then it changed to just licking and finally admitting to inserting into her mouth but only a few yanks to get things going and then vaginal only. Never coming in her mouth.

 

And she states shes never had anal though they had insisted she refused.

 

Her numbers etc change and her stories seem to change mainly I guess because she cant keep a track of the lies. She told me at the beginning shed kissed tons, then it dropped to less than 20 then its now less than 10.

 

Shes from japan and at 20years old had not had sex or anything and had believed in true love. Then she went to the states for 1.5years and in that time she made out with 10guys or so and slept with 2 guys.

 

Then the story came out that the 1st guys was more like date rape. They had gone out 4-5times and he made a solid move on her and she backed off and he was like "your playing hard to get at. fine!". So at this point she would have known what he wanted right? But she went out with him to the movies etc and he asked her if she wanted a drink at his place and she went. His place was at an apartment complex but out there. They started drinking and making out and he wanted more and didnt stop and pulled her jeans off and she ran around the room telling him im not ready dont stop but he wouldnt and I asked her why didnt you shout at him? she said I did. why didnt you run outside? why didnt you throw things at him? why didnt you threaten to call the cops? why didnt you go out? she said her brains froze because he was bigger and though she thought she could take care of herself now she was scared for her life. and she didnt go out because she had no idea what to do and maybe worse would happen out there to a half naked girl and i said why not run out and call for help from a neighbour or something? and she said she simply couldnt. so she fought and resisted him etc but he dropped her into his bed and took her panties off and was going to insert and she begged him to use protection to which he did and after it all finished she demanded to be driven back home and he wanted her to stay the night since it was past 2am but she didnt so he drove her back. She never saw or spoke to him again and he only messaged and that was it. Thats how she lost her virginity!

 

She says she felt disgusted and hopeless and lost. she felt hurt and upset. she felt betrayed.

 

and so she drowned herself in alcohol. as a result she made out with guys.

 

and then her friend, a guy whose place she had been to a few times, asked her out and they went out for 4-5times before she hoped into bed with him willingly. He didnt force her or anything.

 

She sat here crying on my shoulders that she loved him. And I told her she used you. You were just some japanese girl on campus ie ASIAN MEAT to be tagged and hagged and you played right along in it.

 

Her numbers changed all the time. She told me they had done it less than maybe 15 times. Then it changed to 20 times. Then 30. Then 40. WTF!

 

She also acted like she didnt know what some positions like 69 meant but she obviously knew. She had told me she never done oral and her story slow changed. She told me she had never been eaten out and her story changed.

She now claims they only did 4 positions but i have a feeling this will change too

 

She seems to blame alcohol for everything. It was there with the 1st guy and there with the other guys and there with 2nd guy. She was at times so drunk that shed passed out apparently and even with the second guy they were drinking often. A fcking loser who needed weed and alcohol to **** because he couldnt last long. She finally admitted that at times she did want him to **** her and at times it was him.

 

 

 

I dont blame or hold anything against her for the 1st guy and felt really angry to the point that i would beat the son of bitch to a pulp. But even then she knew what she was getting into. I mean come on! going to a guys house for a drink at midnight???

She also states it hurt and she didnt want it and she was dry but admits it wasnt like that with the second guy!!!!!

 

Before going to the USA she was fairly good girl. In that 1.5years she did all that. ANd when she came back she didnt sleep with anybody etc which has now been about 2years.

 

 

Now shes ashamed of how shes lived her life. Shes ashamed of what shes done. But she knows of who shes done what with. How could she truly have been drunk when she knew who the people were? she knew how it felt? etc???

 

She understands that she was taken for a ride and used and not loved even though she thought she loved the 2nd guy she didnt and neither did he because he dumped her as soon as she came back to japan and that it was more her deluding herself.

 

She tells me to look past her past but when I have tried telling her anything she gets upset too. I told her I had slept with so and so and so and she got upset. When I told her about this girl or that she would get upset. Then when I finally told her I was a virgin she understood how wrong her life has been.

 

I had stayed by her side. Though she wanted to **** me she wouldnt trust me with her credit card. Though I told her I was different she didnt believe me. She came to my bed on 5th date. I refused her all along and slowly she understood. I stayed there and I showed her what life and love meant. And now she shes ashamed whereas before she was like so what I slept with 2 guys, kissed 10 and had 5 BFs.

 

 

All her lies and her past create havoc in my mind. What does my kiss mean to her? What does sleeping with me mean to her? How are the pleasures she derives different biologically?

 

How can I trust her?

 

Well her past ever stop?

 

 

What should I do? We are fine when together but when I have time to myself all her lies and past come flooding back in. What position and how she did it? How much pleasure she got from it? etc?

 

 

How is my kiss different from all the others? How is sleeping with me going to be different? how is anything more meaningful?

 

 

To me it seems like now shes ashamed of her past but cant deny that it was what she chose and at times enjoyed her sex etc. So how is anything different?

 

 

She also says it was the alcohol all the time. But again it was her choice and how drunk she was and whom she made out with. She remembers names, faces , places etc and she wouldnt have enjoyed sex if she was that drunk right. And if it was why not stop and learn from it. After all it was the reason you got date raped.

 

And please dont accuse me of anything just try and help me. I dont have a past at all! I have always believed in true love and that 1 person and so hadnt even kissed anybody. And just so you know Im a handsome attractive muscular guy and I had chose to refuse women even though some threw themselves at me. I chose not too so that I can give meaning to my life and my future wife but now im feeling cheated and like i gave up all that for nothing??

 

Its like shes had her fun and excitement and now wants the stability and trustfulness and reliability and honor and responsibility that comes with me? She wants her cake and wants to eat it too?

 

At times i highly resent her for her past actions and her lies and me catching them out and proving them etc to her and refinding lies just makes me distrust things.

 

 

The reason she so loves me and is so ashamed of her past is because she sees how different i am. To date I havent slept with her. I have spent a ton of money on her. I have been there for her always. I have been there for her at my own expense both financially and health wise when ive been sick. I have continually been patient and have taught her and shown her right from wrong. I had shown her she can trust me. I had to prove myself all along the way and I put in a lot of effort. ANd feel betrayed I guess knowing how easy I could have her and how easily she gave herself away to other guys who did nothing for her. I feel disgusted knowing another guys cock was in her mouth or him eating her out or them screwing. ANd feel worse knowing at times it was she who wanted it and times him and she did enjoy it. I feel like **** and feel betrayed and cheated and hopeless and like she doesnt deserve a guy like me but the ****head losers shes been with so far.

 

I feel hopeless. Theres nothing left that I can do to her physically that hasnt been done by someone else. Nothing sacred has been kept or saved for me. And she had given me hope and then taken it away by first telling me shed never been eaten out and then telling me later on she had and first saying she had not blown anybody and then later on telling me she had and now im wondering is her anal going to change too later on.

 

What am I to do?

[whichwayisup]

Uhh, you asked...And she unfortunately gave you too much detail. The past is the past for a reason and if you love her, think she's worth it - Let it go. Don't mistrust her until she gives you reason NOT to trust her.

 

All along I had played this game where I let her think I had slept around before.

Why play games?

[genki]

Uhh, you asked...And she unfortunately gave you too much detail. The past is the past for a reason and if you love her, think she's worth it - Let it go. Don't mistrust her until she gives you reason NOT to trust her.

 

 

Why play games?

 

Because from previous experience when girls find out a guy like me has kept to himself they all seem to want to jump me. So I let her think what she wanted to think that no way would a guy as handsome and well built as me could be such a romantic and decent guy only so she can reveal who she really was. I highly doubt she would have divulged anything had she known i was who I am.

 

 

I mean later on she admitted to me that she thought maybe I didnt feel attracted or wanted her? That maybe I needed viagra? Maybe I was ashamed of my size? Now she knows unfortunately that its none of those issues and infact she cant cope with my enthusiasm as it were lol.

 

Then she thought no way I hadnt even had a blow job! No way I hadnt shagged somebody. She kept saying look at you, you know what your doing and your excellent at it theres just no way. And I got angry because I hadnt lied to her, she was the girl I held, loved, kissed, groped etc all of it because I had waited.

 

And I do admit myself that It hasnt always been easy and there are very few guys on this planet that can claim a girl on top of him saying shes wet and wants him but refusing or a girl having pulled her pants down and arched back asking him to do her but yet still refusing and walking out Always being a gentleman. Hardwork you know.

[hidee79]

You need to read Eckert Tolle's "The Power of Now" as well as Byron Katie's "Loving What is."

 

These books will help you realize that YOU, not your girlfriend, are creating this trouble. She is completely blameless because her transgressions are in the past, which is done and over with. YOU are completely to blame, because your actions are affecting the present, which is still being created now.

 

I really hope you read these books, and realize that your ego and your own insecurities are the cause of all this unhappiness. This has nothing to do with your gf. It has everything to do with you.

[Racquel Colette]

That is all fine and dandy until you consider the fact that she completely lied to him about her past from day one. She is not completely blameless. She is wacko, as is he. How many guys ask about if they had done specific sexual positions with a woman and basically yell at them for being raped? Whack. How many women make up stories about how many men they've been with and what they've done?

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

If you don't trust her and think she's a liar, why did you ask her to marry you? (Which I'm assuming you did, since you called her your "fiancee" in the thread title.)

[genki]

Why are you saying Im to blame hidee79???

 

Are you saying that I give no meaning or intensity to her life or her feelings towards me by her knowing that shes my first and that a guy like me with women abound refused to play?

 

 

Or are you implying that Im insecure about myself or my body etc because I assure you I am far from that and know if it were not for her theres plenty of other women around whod jump.

 

 

Or are you saying that whatever she did in her past is her past with no relevant consequence or bearing on her present or future???

 

 

She admitted in so much herself that she loves me so madly because of how i lived my life and how i held out and how much meaning i give hers and that she even dreads the idea of me having done somebody else or many others and feels sorry I have to go through it for her.

[genki]

iluvchariot

 

i dont trust her on her past and think shes lied and is still holding things back. actually i was going to leave the country 4 months ago or so and she broke down and told me she loved me and didnt want me to leave.

 

I am not saying I dont love the person who shes become nor that she doesnt love me. But who shes become has been because of my loyality, preserverance and love for her. Had I had loved or shagged anybody else I would not have gone through the **** I went for her.

[Geishawhelk]

Why are you saying Im to blame hidee79???

 

I'm with Hidee on this one. All the answers you seek to the questions you asked Hidee reside in these books.

So you don't like her past?

Tell you what, pop back into it and change a few things.

Off you go.

No, now.

Scoot!

 

Oh, you can't?

Then shove it out the way and release it all, and start to live here and now.

 

The more you stay, 'back there' the less you permit yourself to really cherish 'Right here'.

Life is a series of 'Nows'.

There IS no Past save that which exists in our Minds.

There IS no Future save that which exists in our dreams.

neither are accessible, because we cannot physically access them to affect them.

 

This is why Hidee says that the situation you find yourself in, is of your own making.

Your Mind is the construct of your turmoil and torment.

What she thought, said and did, and even thinks says and does, you cannot change or control.

The only place you can affect is your own Perception and Mind.

And you can decide to move on with a clear head and a new heart, or stay stuck in ****land with your constant self-flagellation and complaining.

 

Choose.

[hidee79]

Why are you saying Im to blame hidee79???

 

Read the books.

 

I believe in taking advice from experts - after all, would you trust your money to some regular Joe, or Warren Buffet? Tolle and Byron Katie are experts in their field.

 

After you read these books, you will be in a much better position to decide what to do.

[Geishawhelk]

- after all, would you trust your money to some regular Joe, or Warren Buffet?

 

Have you seen just how many here, do exactly that?

 

Simply though, because something is written in a Book, it doesn't make the words or the Author more worthy or believable.

Much falsehood has been written in the name of Truth.

 

Sometimes, the proof of the pudding IS in the eating. But the next best thing is to ask someone who has dined upon the feast....

[genki]

And 1thing I forgot to mention is I have lots of visuals. I have actually seen the 2nd guy in photos. I have seen him naked sitting there and rolling up a weed joint with a little willy. I have seen his ****ing lanky useless figure and his druggy smile. I have seen a photo of both of them in bed under a blanket (obviously nude) in eachothers arms. I have seen photos and these further compound the issue. And each time i think about it I never saw a beer can or anything like that in them though she insists she was always drinking. But she seemed happy in the photos:lmao:. Im wondering is she ****ing with me, taking me for a ride because Im the best thing thats happened to her and would probably ever happen?

 

 

I will try and read the book. I know its the past and I cant change or access it. But who she is and the bull**** I had to deal with and her ****ed up thinking was all a result of her past. By that very token who I am is also because of my past which is a big part of why she loves me I dont have a past.

 

Do you know how much it hurts me to think that some ****ing lanky weedy addicted mother ****er was humping my wife and she was going up and down on his cock yet didnt have the decency to marry her or treat her right? And I have to be the responsible one and accept a used woman and deal with all her emotional **** too? In return all im getting is anguish and heartache.

[LoisLane]

and she said she simply couldnt. so she fought and resisted him etc but he dropped her into his bed and took her panties off and was going to insert and she begged him to use protection to which he did and after it all finished she demanded to be driven back home

 

Holy! She actually told him to use protection? Are you sure it was 'rape'?? Rapists sure don't wear one. I haven't heard of one that does, anyway. But reading your first post.... I don't know, man. Your Japanese girlfriend sounds promiscuous and I'd drop her. Now.

[genki]

See thats why I mean too!!! Which ****ing potential rapist would then bother to listen to the victim and wear protection and then listen again and not do her in the ass just because she resisted a lot. Then drive her back home at like 2am etc? And she couldnt do anything? He grabbed her by the hair and shoved his cock in her mouth and she didnt bite it? Why not run outside half naked? just because you had no idea where you were and its shameful? why go to a guys house at midnight for a drink when the guy gave clear intentions??

 

 

 

And yes though the past is a memory dont you think photos to back them up prove it existed? Dont you think the guys remember it? Dont you think the little cockhead weed smoking chin face remembers what he did and what he got? Dont you think people all around know it oh soo and soo is doing him or her? And I have to take that from my potential future to be wife whilst I give her no headaches or anything.

 

I played the same game in return for a little and it was driving her crazy. And at the end she admitted that it drove her insane thinking about me with other girls, different situations etc she even gets jealous just seeing a girl in photo with me. HOW the **** am I supposed to feel seeing both of you in bed naked after obviously having screwed?????

 

Im going to go cry now. This is so upsetting.

[Geishawhelk]

....I dont have a past.

Oh of course you do! we all have. Even the non-existent, unimportant past you think you don't have, is still a past!

And it's because of your criticism and harping back and comparing your unimportant past with her ever-so eventful, crazy, mixed-up, shady, deceitful Past, that makes you think it's you up against him!

 

Do you know how much it hurts me to think that some ****ing lanky weedy addicted mother ****er was humping my wife and she was going up and down on his cock yet didnt have the decency to marry her or treat her right? And I have to be the responsible one and accept a used woman and deal with all her emotional **** too? In return all im getting is anguish and heartache.

 

well, STOP THINKING ABOUT IT THEN!!

 

What happens ourtside of your head, you have no control over.

There is no Thought Police steering your Mind, forcing you to think things and chanelling your thoughts towards this shizzoola...

So all this crud you keep coming out wih is a product of your own making!

 

You have a choice, don't you?

Stay.

Walk away.

Stay in the state you're in.

Move on.

 

What's your pay-off, by the way?

 

I can see it a mile off. Complete with Christmas Bonus.

[genki]

Yes I have a past sure but nothing that involves any intimacy, sexual contact etc nothing. And its not that Id like to compete with hers or anything but rather am disgusted by her. Anything I do to her would have already been done by others whom did nothing! I had to walk fire yet other got it free. Is she worth my virginity? Would she even cherish the fact or would it even mean anything to her that a guy like me saved it and waited and gave it to her?

 

 

Ordinarily I would have avoided this situation because normally I would have asked at the onset how many guys have you slept with and then walked away from it all. Easy. But with her I made an exception and only asked when I was way in deep.

 

 

I know she loves me for sure and she has gone to lengths to prove it. I likewise also love her. But I have lived my whole life not compromising on certain things and 1 was that the person I marry would have waited for me like I have for them. Now im faced with this issue where I dearly and wholeheartedly love this girl and she has changed worlds from whom she used to be(thanks to me) but I her past hurts me. I aint a hypocrite I simply dont have a past because I waited and expected likewise in return and have avoided this situation by asking very early on how many men they have slept with but this is the only time I made the mistake not to ask until i was way deep in.

 

 

I do believe her about the 1st guy and that it was date rape. She thought like Japanese guys he would simply stop and that she could take care of herself but he wouldnt stop. She knows she led him on too even though she knew he wasnt for her and her virginity was worth more to her than him. And when it came to it she wasnt ready and yelled and ran around and tried fighting him but was also scared for her life.

 

Pay off?

[Geishawhelk]

Yes, Pay-off.

 

Whatever dreadful, soul-destroying, harmful situation we find ourselves in, however destructive, damaging, negative or hurtful it is, If we stay in it rather than save ourselves and leave, there is a pay off.

 

Why are you still there?

What's your pay-off?

[Tripper]

there is a lot happening here.

 

My first impression of reading your posts is that you are filled with alot of anger. Also you seem to see issues in black and white... no shades of grey.

 

The sense I get from your writing is: Virginity= Goodness/Purity and if you are not a virgin you are a bad person. Unfortunately this equation doesn't take into consideration the fact that people are human and make mistakes. And guess what?? Making mistakes in life is the learning process by which we grow and mature into being a better person.

 

You made a decision to stay a virgin; that's your standard and you are entitled to it. You are NOT entitled to impose that standard on others. You made the assumption that she was a virgin and now you're upset because this woman doesn't measure up to your standard. Too bad, because I'm sure she's a lovely lady.

 

I've had relationships with Asian women. I've found them to be caring, loving and compassionate and extremely loyal. They are tremendously family oriented and take relationships/marriage very seriously. It's part of their culture and society.

 

You need to rethink what is important in a life partner or not. If you want a virgin then move on. Just remember that that's not going to be a guarantee of a good person or a successful relationship. It's not like buying a car; new vs. used.

 

As much as you'd like to, you can't change the past. You are stuck in the "here and now" so accept it, get past it or let this woman go and find someone who will love her for who she is. And to you I say good luck in finding someone who is perfect without a past or flaws.

 

Sorry if this seems harsh, but I think you are being harsh on your gf. You seem to have a lack of understanding and compassion; your standards are unrealistic. If you can't accept her fallibility you need to let her go. If you end up marrying her you will never be satisfied and will make her miserable in the long run.

[littlekitty]

Date rape is hardly her fault. Going back to someone's house for a drink, even when you know they want to sleep with you, is still not asking to be raped. Even making out with them is still not asking to be raped. If this is someone you are dating, you expect them to respect your choices. She did not ask to be raped. And I don't think the issue of him stopping to put on a condom makes it rape anyless.

 

Secondly why on earth are you getting so much detail from her about her past sexual life? I can't believe for one second that she's just sitting there happy spilling it all out!! You must be questioning her about every little detail about what she's done? So why? It hasn't exactly made you happy now has it? You've made your own problem. You should have accepted her answers and moved on from it. Instead I get the feeling you have kept asking, kept prodding, wanting to know more and more, and get every single last detail. You f*cked your own head up IMHO.

 

Put it behind you. If you love her enough, you'd have enough respect for her to stop questioning her and put it behind her.

 

I personally wouldn't say having slept with 2 people is promiscuous.

[sally4sara]

She admitted in so much herself that she loves me so madly because of how i lived my life and how i held out and how much meaning i give hers and that she even dreads the idea of me having done somebody else or many others and feels sorry I have to go through it for her.

 

Well, when I think of how judgmental you are being about her past, I consider her telling you this to be the only suitable thing for her to say. She may think it and it certainly lends to her showing you approval. Unfortunately, I think it is having the opposite effect of encouraging you to continue thinking you are better than her. You are not better, just different.

 

Ever ponder that if she will try to change her attitude to gain your approval, that she was probably just doing the things she did in her past to be approved of by them? I hope she can find a guy who won't make her feel like she has to change. I think SHE should leave you; you will always prefer to think higher of yourself.

[Geishawhelk]

.....you will always prefer to think higher of yourself.

 

And there it is.

the pay-off.

 

Well said S4S.

[Tripper]

All along I had played this game where I let her think I had slept around before.

 

Oh yes, I meant to ask you about this?? What's up with this?? Does she still think you slept around?? Or did you 'fess up and tell her the truth??

[Geishawhelk]

And why would you be so deceptive? There is great honour in truth, and nobody can throw recriminations at you.

 

So she deceived you. Probably to spare your judgemental, high-handed accusatory and condemnatory attitude.

you lied to her, because...Why again?

 

The more I read and participate in this thread, the more you give me the impression that you're a crazy, self-conscious, mixed-up deluded individual.

'No past', indeed.

 

What I would find encouraging to hear from you next, is this:

 

"I'm sorry I'm being so hard on her.

I have no right to stand in judgement of her, when I obviously have serious issues of my own to contend with.

I will apologise to her unreservedly and seek nothing in return, save an understanding of my own flawed temperament.

And I will actively seek counselling. not for this problem, but for the fact that I really have very serious judgemental, control, and esteem issues, and I seem to use the torture of remembering as a weapon against myself.

Because unless, and until, I can straighten myself out and consider Life on a rational level, I have no hope of ever forming an equal, well-balanced and meaningful relationship with anyone."

[Cobra_X30]

I highly doubt she would have divulged anything had she known i was who I am.

 

I mean later on she admitted to me that she thought maybe I didnt feel attracted or wanted her? That maybe I needed viagra? Maybe I was ashamed of my size? Now she knows unfortunately that its none of those issues and infact she cant cope with my enthusiasm as it were lol.

 

Listen, you let her believe that you had more experience than you did! She led you to believe she had less experience than she did!

 

Your dealing with a trust issue 100%. As much as you say your not insecure about your body, and ability, everything you say shows that you are.

 

The fact that you dont believe a girl would be honest with you about her past... unless you decieve her first. That tells me you have a dim view overall of women in general.

 

Why dont you trust women?

 

Oh of course you do! we all have. Even the non-existent, unimportant past you think you don't have, is still a past!

And it's because of your criticism and harping back and comparing your unimportant past with her ever-so eventful, crazy, mixed-up, shady, deceitful Past, that makes you think it's you up against him!

 

Thats not how it works. You dont get a free pass on whatever you did before you before your current relationship.

 

It's irritating when a woman wants me to play bellhop for her massive amounts of emotional baggage.

[Geishawhelk]

Thats not how it works. You dont get a free pass on whatever you did before you before your current relationship.

I agree with you. But genki is the one who said he had no past and it didn't count for any of this. But he lied to her and told her he'd had sexual experience, when in fact he was a virgin.

What was his agenda then? Why be deceitful? If he's got no issues with his own past, he'd be completely comfortable discussing it - wouldn't he?

 

It's irritating when a woman wants me to play bellhop for her massive amounts of emotional baggage.

Granted, and I agree it shouldn't be the case. but it's genki who's made such a massive issue of her past, not the girl herself. I think the reason she seems to have so much baggage is because there's a possibility he's accused her and judged her into a corner....

 

Read it all back, and see what you think...