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I Keep Cheating, but My Husband Doesn't Want to Divorce


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 16th May 2018, 7:47 PM   #1
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I Keep Cheating, but My Husband Doesn't Want to Divorce

I want to come straight out and said I've been cheating on my husband on and off our entire relationship. I'm not proud of it but I can't seem to stop.

I'm thirty-two years old, been with my husband for thirteen years and married ten years. He is eleven years older than me.

Six months into our relationship I cheated for the first time. I was working part-time as a waitress and there was this one customer I would flirt with every time he came into the restaurant. One day he gave me his number and we began to text. In a six month period, we met up and had sex at least a dozen times. I broke it off when he wanted something more. He ended up telling my husband. We "broke" up for a week when he wanted to give us another chance.

A couple months after getting caught, we moved in together and I quit my job. After a few months of no job, and my husband working long hours at work, I got a job as a cashier. I worked mostly evenings, which didn't leave a lot of time for my husband and me to spend together. So I befriended a co-worker and we started to hang out during the day while not at work. After a few months of this, I told my husband I was falling for this other guy and I didn't want him to find out by anyone else. We "worked it out" and I quit this job and went no contact with the co-worker.

I look back and wonder why my husband didn't just dump me. We were barely together a year and a half at the time, and I had two inappropriate relationships with other men. He was successful with a college degree and I was a high school drop out.

Back to the story. After three months of no contact, I broke no contact and began texting him. I didn't meet in person the two and half months we texted one another. I only stopped contact when I found out I was pregnant with my oldest daughter. A few weeks later on our 2nd year anniversary of dating my husband proposed and we got engaged. A month before I gave birth we moved twelve hours away to a new city. When our daughter was two months old we got married. The night before, I was having second thoughts and had a one night stand. To this day he doesn't know about the one night stand.

For the first year of my daughter's life, I had Post Partum Depression. I ate, slept, and took care of my daughter. After finally getting on antidepressants at my husbands urging did I start feeling myself again. I went back to school and got my grade twelve, graduating with honors. Our marriage was thriving, I hadn't thought about other men or engaged in any inappropriate relations in over two years.

But after my grade twelve graduation, I started working shortly before our third year anniversary, and almost immediately I started flirting with my boss. After working for six months, the company I worked for paid for some schooling in return for a two year contract. I accepted. My boss and I spent a lot of late nights together, which resulted in me spending less time at home and with my husband. This was the beginning of a three year affair, strictly happening at work.

It wasn't until a disgruntled former co-worker informed my husband was I caught. My husband damanded I quit my job. I refused and told him I wanted a divorce. We'd share custody, he'd could have the house, keep his pension and I wouldn't ask for any child or spousal support. We were approaching our sixth year anniversary at this point. I really didn't want to stay married to him or quit my job.

He begged me for another chance. I really should have just let him go. I was abusing him emotionally. I still am. But I ended up staying and I stopped my physical affair. Eventually, my boss transferred.

My partner and I attended marriage counselling for a few months but just stopped because of work schedules. On our seventh year anniversary, I told my husband I wanted another baby. So for nine months, we tried to have a baby with no luck. We started seeing a fertility specialist and found out my husband had varicocele. So after surgery, we tried again. Around this time my then boss transferred back but into a different department. I didn't tell my husband. So the affair started up again and eventually I ended up pregnant. My daughter is now four months old, and I honestly don't know if my husband's the father. I think he is because she looks like our ten years old.

I recently told my husband that I didn't love him anymore. I care about him as a person but I realize I don't want to stay married. I don't know if I ever really wanted to be married. I either can't or won't commit and I don't know why. I have a loving husband, two great kids, a great house and career but I'm not satisfied. I told my husband I want a divorce but he doesn't. He doesn't know our youngest may not be his. I'm a piece of work I know. He wants to try counselling, but I just want to free. I want to work on being a good mother and not continuing to drag him through the mud.

If anyone read all this, do you have any advice?
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Old 16th May 2018, 7:50 PM   #2
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Give the poor sap a break. Walk away.
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Old 16th May 2018, 8:25 PM   #3
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My thoughts?

Your husband doesn't love himself enough to want more for himself.

This was codependent from the start. You have always worn the pants, and were abusive in your power. He, is codependent and basically turned into a door mat.

You have never respected him, and he does not have respect for himself.

If I had a crystal ball, my guess would be - you will keep cheating and escalate your bad behavior, subconsciously perhaps, hoping if it gets bad enough, he will get a back bone and walk away.

You need to be strong enough to do what he isn't, and end it. And YES to counseling, you need it terribly, as does he.

As for your youngest, get a DNA test. You can do them through the mail these days at low cost (seriously, if you need to, have it sent to a friend's house, or get a PO box for a month).

Get the results, if he is the father, then there is nothing to tell (beyond proceeding with a divorce).

If he is not the father, you should schedule couples counseling and break the new under the guidance of a professional.

Honestly, as.... Terrible as it may sound, I understand where you are coming from. I am not saying it's right, but I get it.
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Old 16th May 2018, 8:53 PM   #4
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The sad thing is when I asked him why he wants to stay with someone who can't stay faithful. His response was that he loved me and believed I truly loved him and with a lot of hard work we could make it. Then after a few days he approached me and asked me if I thought I had a sex addiction and if that is why I look for sex outside the marriage. I did my own research and I just don't fit the bill. I'm just selfish.

Also, RecentChange. I'll take your advice and seek a paternity test done without his knowledge. Then proceed from there.
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Old 16th May 2018, 9:01 PM   #5
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Some people are not cut out to be faithful, while there are others who think nothing about having a spouse who cheats on them left and right. As long as they are fine with each other, who am I to judge?
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Old 16th May 2018, 10:23 PM   #6
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This is not really about your husband, it is all about you.

You are responsible for your decisions. He is responsible for his decisions.

He is clearly codependent and he has obviously decided that staying with a woman who treats him badly is better than being alone. That is his decision.

It doesn't absolve you from doing what is right. Either, you tell him the truth about your child's paternity and be faithful to this man... or do the right thing and let him go. Nobody deserves to be treated the way you are treating your husband.
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Old 16th May 2018, 10:29 PM   #7
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Why won't you file for divorce if you feel trapped and you don't love your husband?
Do you take pride in being cruel to him?
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Old 16th May 2018, 10:31 PM   #8
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If you don't plan on ever getting married again you can move out and live on your own or with the new love of your life. This might force your current husband to give you a divorce. You shouldn't be living with him in the first place. Your cheating on him with another man. Do you have kids with him though? If not you can move out and get away from him. This is your call we all can't say any better.
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Old 17th May 2018, 2:06 PM   #9
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I don't take pride in what I'm doing. But it doesn't change that I do it. I have tried to stop and I've tried to seek what is lacking from the relationship but at the end of the day, I just realize it isn't anything he's doing wrong. He's the whole package any normal sane woman would want. He's your typical nice guy. Maybe that is why I stray because he is too nice.
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Old 17th May 2018, 2:21 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BaileyB View Post
This is not really about your husband, it is all about you.

That's funny when I read the post I thought "This is all about the husband and his complete lack of independence and such high levels of insecurity that he cannot walk away from a woman who treats him so poorly".


In truth it's about both of them and their myriad of dysfunctional issues which will probably perpetuate until the cheating wife grows tired of him and files for divorce because it's clear that he never will, his fear will prevent any sort of action.
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Old 17th May 2018, 4:50 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by Normm View Post
That's funny when I read the post I thought "This is all about the husband and his complete lack of independence and such high levels of insecurity that he cannot walk away from a woman who treats him so poorly".


In truth it's about both of them and their myriad of dysfunctional issues which will probably perpetuate until the cheating wife grows tired of him and files for divorce because it's clear that he never will, his fear will prevent any sort of action.
True. But, she doesn't control her husband's behavior. She is most certainly responsible for her own.

Last edited by BaileyB; 17th May 2018 at 5:40 PM..
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Old 18th May 2018, 1:30 AM   #12
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True. But, she doesn't control her husband's behavior. She is most certainly responsible for her own.
At least she is being upfront and open about it. Clearly the whole relationship is a crazy mess. But she has identified her issue and admitted she isn't going to change.

You really need to leave him. Properly leave, and severe the marriage - don't give him any false hope. Although don't leave him by cheating - cause clearly that ain't working.
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Old 18th May 2018, 7:58 AM   #13
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Originally Posted by TheRainbow View Post
He's the whole package any normal sane woman would want. He's your typical nice guy. Maybe that is why I stray because he is too nice.
Ahh yes, the teenage girl fascination with "bad boys" strikes again. You don't need marriage counseling. You need INDIVIDUAL counseling to determine what is wrong with YOU.
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Old 18th May 2018, 6:03 PM   #14
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Just initiate the divorce yourself.
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Old 20th May 2018, 5:28 PM   #15
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By not being a good wife youíre not a good person. That means, at this point you canít be a good role model or mother for your kids. If you wasnít a divorce do it and let him have the kids. If you want to be a good person and mother, go get individual counseling. You have been making stupid decisions since at least when you were in high school. You need to find out why. No doubt itís family related but you canít salvage a life simply by getting a divorce and destroying your family. Things will just get worse for you.
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