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Ugh, NC never gets any easier


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 31st December 2018, 12:31 AM   #46
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I was with my wife for 13 years she left me two months ago I have been begging and pleading to get her back but she says thereís no chance of us getting back together she texted me on Christmas and her and my kids called but I didnít reply because of the way she have been treating me but I texted my kids and apologized for not seeing them that day I even texted her the next day and she was really upset and told me she wanted a divorce and she had a male friend now before Christmas she didnít want a divorce and was telling me that she wasnít seeing anyone else I was more hurt then anything I tried to call her but she texted back and said she didnít wanna talk to me but she called me the next day and was talking to my about my kids and I told her that now that she is seeing someone else thatís itís best if we donít contact each other again she agreed and I havenít called or texted her since

Iím on my third day of no contact and itís killing me what do I do now
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Old 31st December 2018, 12:49 PM   #47
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Hi LauraXX, good to hear from you again. It's so funny how people that I don't really know can start to feel like friends from reading stories on this board.

Please don't beat yourself up too much. Although we all do things we might regret or not feel very proud of, that doesn't define who we are as people. You like this guy and want to be with him. That's not a crime. It's a very human thing. BUT...I want you to think about something before you continue to chat with him. Is this what you want in your relationship with him? And I don't mean relationship as in "relationship", but just your interactions with him. Do you want to be his occasional text buddy that he might see sometimes and maybe hookup with?

Thanks for your reply nolanola. I feel the same way even though you guys here are most likely on the other side of the world.



You are of course completely right. I want this guy to really care for me and not just be an easy hookup. BUT... (oh god, this is going to sound so depressing): I've been single for 10 years now and in these 10 years I only hooked up with 2 men (not including THIS guy). One of them was an ex-boyfriend. The other one was one of my closest friends (very bad idea). For me as a single mom (and at my age) it's just not that easy anymore to meet guys I'm really interested in. Yes, it would be nice to meet somebody who is head over heels for me - but if the choice is between being his hookup or living celibate for another 10 years... well I think I know the answer. I also have to say: The whole romantic aspect of our "relationship" is one thing. But he really managed to drag me out of my comfort zone. We did some amazing things together that I would have sworn I'd never do a year ago (like going skydiving). So it's not just "love withdrawal" but also "fun withdrawal" if that makes sense.



Well, anyway, he still didn't reply to my text message (about meeting again) after 24 hours (didn't even read it yet). So I guess that says it all
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Old 31st December 2018, 3:05 PM   #48
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LauraXX, I'm so sorry he hasn't replied yet.

I completely understand where you are coming from. BELIEVE ME. I am 42 and single. Before my most recent ex, the last relationship I've had ended in 2010. Other than a few dates here and there, it's been a slow few years. Most of the men I meet that I would be interested in are not available (married), so when I meet someone that checks the boxes and is single or divorced AND likes me too, it's really rare. So with this recent guy, I was over the moon. I thought he was the best person I had met in such a long time. And I think that's why I had such a hard time in letting go of him. I wanted it to work so badly. So I hung around, even when he said he wasn't ready to be in a serious relationship because of his children and recent divorce. Even after I told him we should just be friends, I still was in love with him and talking to him all the time. Sleeping with him a few times. Spending an amazing amount of time sitting here wishing and hoping to hear from him. And in the process, his effort decreased little by little, until I was wishing and hoping based on very little investment from him. I'm most angry at myself for letting him treat me this way -- for 2 years!

I won't tell you to not talk to this guy if you don't want to stop. I'm just asking you to think about what you deserve. You deserve a guy who likes you enough and wants to spend time with you enough to be able to put forth the tiny effort to reply to a text message, let alone to call you, ask to spend time with you, want you to be his girlfriend.
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Old 1st January 2019, 11:19 PM   #49
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Hi guys....Happy New year!

New member here, but I've been lurking for a while. I know this is a popular thread, and I'm not sure if anyone would be reading this far, but this topic hits home to me that I figured to start here. If you are reading this, thank you so much, I really appreciate it.

I's been 6 weeks since I started NC with my ex. Things ended the week of Thanksgiving, so I started this holiday with a broken heart. We dated for 1 year, maybe a lot shorter than most relationships here, but it still hurts after almost 2 months of not hearing from him and I miss him terribly. You see, I was his rebound and never got the proper relationship I wanted from him, and even though I should've smarten up from the beginning and walked away from it, I still chose him. I was hopeful that things would change, and there were times when we were together that it felt possible, but now I feel defeated and hopeless. Somehow I still have this stupid hope that he would realize what he lost and will contact me soon. Every time I get the urge to contact him, I'm reminded that I may not hear the response I want.....or worse yet, I may get no response at all.....and it stops me. Maybe he misses me too. Maybe he thought about me over the holidays and was also thinking about reaching out, but didn't. Maybe I hurt him by walking away, or he couldn't stand the thought of hurting me so he had to let me walk away. I don't really know. I just know I need some time to heal, and it hasn't been easy. They say it gets better everyday, but I'm still waiting for the "getting better" part of it.

Anyway, I won't bore you for now with all the details of what happened with my relationship, but know that you guys are not alone. I'm also with a broken heart trying to be strong. I'm sure I will be back here again and I'm glad this community exists for support.

Thank you guys for sharing your stories. I have enjoyed reading all of them so far.
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Old 2nd January 2019, 8:20 AM   #50
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I was five days in until I cracked last night Reaching out is a bad idea I got the same answers that I got before I started NC but worse she is seeing someone else and admitted to having sex still donít wanna see me or be bother with me

Now I have to start all over again
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Old 2nd January 2019, 8:27 AM   #51
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Hi Polypocket, sorry to hear you are in a similar situation. Your situation sounds very similar to mine and I can relate to a lot of what you say. My ex was fairly recently divorced when we started dating and I wondered from time to time if he was ready -- clearly he was not, as he was never ready to take things to a more serious level. I hung on for a long time afterwards, hoping he would get ready. I think you were smart to walk away when you did, after one year. I waited around for several years and it has not made it any easier. I try not to be so hard on myself, but I kick myself sometimes for not walking away the first time we had a talk about things and the answer wasn't what I wanted. It would have been painful, but I would have preserved my dignity I think.

I'm left feeling kind of used, although I'm not sure how fair that is. In our last conversation (over text!!), I told my ex that I felt like I was his speed bump after his divorce until he found someone he wanted to be with and that it hurt. I think that describes how I feel best. His response was that he couldn't believe I felt that way and that he had never thought of me like that. But, he's had very little interaction with me since then. One lame text at Thanksgiving that didn't even address my feelings. I ignored it and I think I had hoped that would spur him to say more, but it hasn't.

I relate to what you said about hoping the other person would realize they miss you and want to be with you. I think if you read enough threads on here, that is a very prevalent theme. In the absence of communication, we can only guess what the other person is thinking or feeling. I guess it does get better, I think? I'm almost 9 weeks NC and feel better some days, although the holidays have been hard. The "what ifs" are hard. My therapist told me she encourages people to go NC for at least 90 days, which for me ends January 17. I don't think I will contact him then (I'm still so hurt by how he acted) but I like the idea of a no-fly zone, so to speak. People talk a lot about 3 months as a point where many of them got better and I'm hoping for that as well.

Thanks for posting. It's good to see that I'm not alone in how I feel and the fears that I have.
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Old 2nd January 2019, 10:49 PM   #52
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Hello Nolanola,

Thank you for replying. There's so much similarities about our situation, that it somewhat makes me feel better that there's at least 1 person here that understands what I'm going thru. My days have been up and down but sadly there are more down days lately with the holidays being difficult to deal with. I was with him NYE last year, and this year we're not even talking anymore, so my mind have been scattered going back to how things were when we were still dating. Crazy as it seems, I still don't have the urge to contact him even though I miss him terribly. At this point, I can 100% say that the downfall to his relationship was his fault and not mine, so I can stand by my pride when it comes to NC. Had he not pushed me away and opened his heart to me, things wouldn't have ended. I told him I wanted to be committed, but he had doubts, so what was there for me to do? I feel like 1 year was enough, I had to leave.

Don't blame yourself for staying with your guy for too long because I can tell you that 1 year in an "almost" relationship was not much easier to deal with than 5 no matter how sooner I walked away. If I had more fight in me to stay, I would, and it would've given me more years to be with him. You and I both chose to stay with our exes because we felt what we felt and figured maybe the red flags we were seeing early on were just obstacles in our relationship we needed to overcome. I don't regret anything I did with my ex. I gave him my heart, I was vulnerable, and he chose to hurt me way deeper in return. But that was the sacrifice I chose to make for a the guy I gave my heart to, and it was hard to take it back. My only regret was that none of it were reciprocated, so when I look at where we are now, I can honestly say that I walked away without any regrets.

Like you, what I feel sad about the most is the being unacknowledged. I have never gotten any apologies or explanation for his behavior, and when things ended he just kinda let it all be as if nothing had happened. I didn't hear from him on Christmas or New Year, and I won't be surprise if I find out that he turned around and met someone else the moment we stopped talking. That's how low I feel right now, it's as if everything I did meant nothing to him at all.

Anyway, if you are still reading, thank you so much. I am trying to keep it as short as I could, but I have so much in my that wants to come out. Maybe I'll make my own post here one of these days about what happened. Please be strong, and know that your stories are helping heal my heart. I'd love to share you my story too, but maybe in another post. I feel like this one had been too long at this point.
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Old 2nd January 2019, 11:40 PM   #53
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PolyPocket, I don't mind long posts. Like you said, it helps a lot sometimes when I feel really low to know that I'm not the only one that feels the way I feel. The holidays have been tough for me too. I had been feeling ok for a bit, almost like a relief that it was over. But when he didn't reach out for the holidays, it just drove home the point that it is over.

I like what you said about no regrets. I wish I could feel I had NO regrets, but I am glad that I stood up for myself in the end. For so long, I hadn't wanted to rock the boat between us, because I would have rather had some of him than none of him. So I kept quiet when I was dissatisfied with something he did or didn't do. It was almost like a relief to let him know how much he hurt me. I sometimes worry about what his lasting impression of me is, but I was honest and I didn't say anything too mean.

I'm reading a book right now in which the main character is a divorced woman whose husband has left her for a younger woman. It's a good book but it's bringing up a lot of emotion for me. In the book, she is constantly thinking about her marriage and reliving certain things -- made me think about some really happy times with my ex. But that only makes me sad and makes me wonder if he is having new wonderful times with someone new now. And of course, in my mind, those times are more wonderful-er than what he had with me.

He lives out of town and I know he will likely be here in my city this month, for a work meeting. I am actively stopping myself from looking to see when it is. I know I won't hear from him and it will only make me sad to know he was here and didn't reach out. I worry he hates me now.

You and I are pretty close in our NC time. I'll be at 9 weeks tomorrow. I'm still super up and down if that makes you feel any better. And this is with strict NC -- no social media, no texting, no nothing. I know it will get better, but the time seems to be dragging by.

Thanks for your posts. There are a few posters that I have come to rely on for good posts, good advice, and to commiserate. Hope your night is going ok and write a long post any time you feel like it.
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Old 3rd January 2019, 1:22 AM   #54
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Hey everyone.

First let me say that my heart goes out to everyone here who is suffering through a breakup. They truly suck, and can be brutal. This is not my first heartbreak, and I know it will get better, but going through the process can almost seem impossible at times.

The main reason I am here is to try to meet others that are going through this, and possibly support each other.

I, like so many others, am really having a difficult time with No Contact.

The brain can really be mean during these times. Some of you probably know this, but going through a breakup has the same effect on the brain as trying to quit using drugs, especially if you were with that person for longer periods. You are actually going through withdrawals.

Some Youtube channels that have helped me:
- Mouth of the Ape
- Noah Elkrief
- 10 Hour Rain Sound by Thomas Hall

It's been about 1 month since I got dumped by my GF of 6 years. Right after Thanksgiving, so what a joy it has been to go through Christmas and NYE with a broken heart. On top of that, we were living together in her house, so guess who also had to move-out.....yep, yours truly.

I've had heartbreak before, but this time it really hurts because I know it was my fault. I know it's normal to beat yourself up after a breakup, but I'm absolutely positive I caused this by not allowing us to truly get close. It's that old song, "Don't Know What You've Got 'til it's Gone". What's even more heart-shattering is that I feel like she's still "on the fence" about truly letting go, and this is where it's soooo difficult to employ No Contact. It becomes a nuclear war of thoughts for and against contacting them. On one side you feel like you need to remain front and center in their minds, and on the other side you know it could also be best to give them space and time to possibly miss you. The other constant thought is, when do you throw in the towel and give up? There is a statistic out on the web that says for every year of relationship time, you will need 2 months of recovery time. UGH!!!!

Again, my heart goes out to all those going through this. Hugs and Love.
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Old 3rd January 2019, 7:25 PM   #55
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I have the impression that I'm always just dumping my own frustration here and not really reacting to all your stories & experiences. I'm so sorry about that. I do read everything in this thread and I really feel you. I just can't think of anything smart or helpful to say (other than: I think you’re all extremely brave for being on strict NC).

Anyway, I don't blame you if you've had enough of my ramblings here. Especially because I'm not even in NC anymore and actively trying to get back with my ex.

When I last posted here I was very frustrated because I had texted him sth. along the lines of "We should hang out again" and he didn't respond for more than 24h. I even had the weirdest nightmare that night. I dreamed that he did finally text me back saying “That’s not a good idea. And here’s an Excel sheet where I listed all the expenses we each had on our dates. You owe me 50$.” I woke up drenched in sweat. And when I looked at my phone he HAD finally replied (“Yes, we definitely should”). So then we kept texting back and forth, but just superficial stuff. And today I asked him: “Btw – any interesting plans for the weekend?”.My hope – OF COURSE – was that he’d say “No plans, want to hang out?”.But he replied: “No plans. Might go hiking. What about you?”

How do you interpret that? I thought that I had made it very easy for him to ask me out. But he didn’t. Or does the ‘What about you’ imply that he wants me to suggest coming along on the hike? Like I mentioned before…I really lost my gut feeling after this whole mess.

I know that you all think that meeting him again is a very bad idea. And that might be true. But I really, honestly want to. So, if you put yourselves in my shoes… should I ignore the weekend thing and wait until he really asks me out? Or should I reply “No plans either. Let’s do something together.”


And there’s something else I wanted to tell you. Especially after complaining about my dull dating life in my last post. On NYE I ran into a guy I’ve had a crush on for the past 10 years. Turns out that he and his long time girlfriend split up two weeks ago. My sister (who’s friends with him) even told me before the party: “XY is coming. He and his girlfriend just broke up. But don’t get your hopes up… he’s still under shock and I doubt he’s in a flirty mood.” But… surprise… he WAS in a very flirty mood after all. We chatted the whole evening, held hands, kissed a little. But I couldn’t take him back home with me (believe me, I would have ….) because I had guests staying at my place.

Anyway, that was a nice distraction. I doubt that anything more is going to happen. I don’t even have his phone number and that’s fine. But it was nice for my scratched ego (he’s insanely handsome) and realizing that I didn’t think about my “ex” for pretty much the whole evening really gave me hope that maybe this isn’t the end of the world even if getting back with my guy doesn’t work out. So that’s good news, right? I’d still appreciate your input on the weekend-issue, because I do really want to meet him :/
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Old 3rd January 2019, 7:59 PM   #56
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LauraXX, good to see you again! You're probably not going to like what I'm going to say. Do not ask this man out (your ex). He is not stupid. He knows what you're hinting at. Ask yourself this: why do you think he hasn't asked you to get together after you explicitly said you should hang out? Honestly? Because, to me, I don't think he wants to hang out. I mean, maybe he would if you ask him and he's free. But is that what you want? You seem like you've got some options, with the guy from NYE.

(WARNING: Real talk follows) Please do not throw yourself at your ex. You are going to make yourself look desperate and no man ever said "See that desperate woman? She's my dream come true, I've got to make her my girlfriend"

I'm not one of those "Rules" devotees and I think women can totally ask a man out. EXCEPT if we're talking about your ex and he did the breaking up. In that case, you should always wait for him to ask you or call/text you. Unless you want to wind up as his "I've got nothing else to do, let me call LauraXX" person. And I know you don't want that.

I say, stop texting your ex, and text NYE guy instead. Hang out with him a bit and see where that goes. You said he makes you forget about your ex and I think that's excellent.
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Old 3rd January 2019, 10:13 PM   #57
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I like what you said about no regrets. I wish I could feel I had NO regrets, but I am glad that I stood up for myself in the end. For so long, I hadn't wanted to rock the boat between us, because I would have rather had some of him than none of him. So I kept quiet when I was dissatisfied with something he did or didn't do. It was almost like a relief to let him know how much he hurt me. I sometimes worry about what his lasting impression of me is, but I was honest and I didn't say anything too mean.
This part made me feel sad, almost got a bit teary-eyed because it was the same exact thing I went thru with my ex. I didn't want to cause any drama or conflict so I never said anything to him that bothered me. I was afraid that I would spoil our time together by bringing up my frustrations, and eventually it would lead to him leaving and I was afraid of that for so long. Maybe that's why I don't have any regrets with the whole NC thing. It was because I knew I tried my hardest to keep things positive between us, but in the end he still didn't give me the relationship I want. Finally that caused me to walk away. I just got tired of waiting around, and it seemed like I was fighting the impossible.

What I'm really sad about is how things ended with me and my ex because it didn't feel final. We were dating causally for 10 months and I broke it off properly telling him I couldn't stay in this situation anymore and pretty much went NC for almost a month. He was the one that contacted me after 2 weeks to try again, and we became exclusive for a good 2 months after. Around that time we realized our lifestyles were very different. He lived an active (gym, hiking, etc) lifestyle and I didn't, and what bothered me about this was that he focused on our differences and made it seemed like it was impossible for things to work out. All the sudden, gym and hiking were more of a priority than me. Every time I initiated a conversation about our relationship, he was very distant. My breaking point was when I invited him to dinner for my birthday and he made an excuse about leaving out of town that weekend, so he wouldn't be able to make it. If you were dating someone you cared about, would you purposely miss that person's birthday? My last respond was "of course you are (not gonna be there)" and I never talked to him since.

We just stopped talking to each other all together....more like I gave him the silent treatment and he let me, so I decided to keep the NC all together. Some may call it ghosting, but not entirely because I know he knows that had he made the effort to reach out, I wouldn't ignore him. I thought more than once to reach out one more time, but I knew I was never gonna hear what I wanted and I really didn't need closure from ending a reconciliation he had asked for in the 1st place. It's funny, a big part of me still wishes he would regret everything and would want to try again. I miss him terribly even if he had hurt me. Even if he didn't care about me, my feelings for him still won't go away.

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Originally Posted by xweeverx View Post
Hey everyone.

There is a statistic out on the web that says for every year of relationship time, you will need 2 months of recovery time. UGH!!!!

Again, my heart goes out to all those going through this. Hugs and Love.
Hahaha...I thought about a quote I heard from a movie once that it takes half the time of the relationship to get over the break-up. This means that if you were together for 2 years, you'll take 1 year to get over that person. Ultimately I think it varies how invested you are in the person and the relationship. Funny how we think about quotes and segments of anything that speaks to us while heartbroken.

Hugs to all of us who are going thru it. I'm glad I'm not in this mess alone.

Last edited by PolyPocket; 3rd January 2019 at 10:19 PM..
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Old 4th January 2019, 1:27 AM   #58
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Hahaha...I thought about a quote I heard from a movie once that it takes half the time of the relationship to get over the break-up. This means that if you were together for 2 years, you'll take 1 year to get over that person. Ultimately I think it varies how invested you are in the person and the relationship. Funny how we think about quotes and segments of anything that speaks to us while heartbroken.

Hugs to all of us who are going thru it. I'm glad I'm not in this mess alone.
i just broke the rules again....help
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Old 4th January 2019, 1:43 AM   #59
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i just broke the rules again....help
Did you reach out to her? Did you hear the response you wanted?
Lots of times when I feel desperate to contact my ex I always go back to what I it is Iím truly after. The main reason those of us who wanted to reach out to our exes is because we want to check in if their feelings have changed hoping That enough NC would suddenly make them want us. Thatís not always the case. In my heart I know, so I made a promise to myself that I will only talk to him if I hear him say that he misses me, he regrets letting me go, and that he wants me back. Thatís my requirement and I know Iíll never get that if I were the one reaching out, so I kept with NC even if itís killing me. In the end itís better to hear the silence than to be disappointed.

I hope that helps.
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Old 4th January 2019, 8:08 AM   #60
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i just broke the rules again....help
What happened?
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A man is never worth your tears. And the one who is, won't make you cry
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