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Ugh, NC never gets any easier


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 22nd November 2018, 11:50 PM   #1
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Ugh, NC never gets any easier

So I was on this forum a lot many years ago, when I was involved in a terrible and toxic relationship. It took me forever to get up the gumption to go full NC and then several years for that to really help me heal. But I did and got to a good place in my life.

I even met someone new, someone I was so excited about. Everything seemed so great at first and I really fell hard for him. Unfortunately, several issues emerged and we decided to just be friends (this was my decision, although I didn't really want to do it). I wound up spending the next 2 years staying in contact with him, occasionally sleeping with him, and still being in love with him. I know it was so stupid, especially after what I went through with my last relationship (although this guy wasn't toxic, but he has other issues). We were close in a lot of ways. Just a few weeks ago he reached out to me about a harassment issue I was dealing with and about a surgery I had. He seemed like he really cared about me and I thought he did. I thought he was so wonderful. Just a few weeks ago he sent me a picture of him and his son at a football game.

However, then I found out that he is seeing someone new, at least I think he is. She is posting a bunch of stuff on her Facebook about all the trips she's going on with him (although weirdly there are no pictures of him at all) and calls him her "fella". I know I have no real right to be angry but it really hurt. When I confronted him about it, he didn't confirm it or deny it, which is so maddening. I said my piece about how hurt I was. I started dating him about 6 months after his divorce was final and I really feel like I was just a speed bump for him after his divorce until he found someone he wanted to be with. I told him this and he responded that he couldn't believe that I would think that and that he never thought of me that way. Then he said "I am a little curious who you think I'm seeing". This line has haunted me since then, 3 weeks ago. Why couldn't he just say yes or no?

I decided that it was time to really go NC. I deleted his number, his texts, his photos, everything. I have not looked at anything on social media. It is so hard. I remember how hard it was the last time and how long it took me to heal.

I don't really have any questions for anyone, I just feel like I needed to vent. NC never gets any easier and having to think of him being with her sucks so bad. I feel like such a schlump in comparison to her. I've been very good about not creeping on her profile or looking for him (this is VERY hard). I know it will get easier, but it seems so impossible right now.

Anyone on here with some positive stories about how they went NC and wound up so much happier? Would help a lot.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 24th November 2018 at 11:34 AM.. Reason: Edited for paragraphs ~ V
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Old 24th November 2018, 10:24 AM   #2
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It's not solely the NC that gets you to a happier place. It's getting out from the relationship that wasn't working. NC is about not picking at the scab that is trying to form over your broken heart to help heal it.
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Old 24th November 2018, 11:47 AM   #3
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I 100% agree. In fact, I know for certain that the thing that helped me to move on from the most toxic relationship I've ever been in was NC. I stopped texting him, calling him, trying to run into him. I avoided any place that he might be like the plague. It took several years, but by the time he came back, I was almost totally healed. Today, I wouldn't want to hear from him or see him.

BUT, NC is also REALLY hard. There wouldn't be a "Coping" board on this website if it was easy. I know a lot of other people struggle with it. The thing I love the most about this place is that we support each other. We've all been there and know how hard it is. I know if I keep going forward, I will eventually heal from this. But it really helps to hear how others are positively coping and practicing their own process of healing.
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Old 24th November 2018, 1:37 PM   #4
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I am 4 months in and I still want to contact her every day
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Nothin' left to do but smile, smile, smile.
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Old 24th November 2018, 5:46 PM   #5
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Just keep going nolanola. You’re doing great.
I’m struggling to even start no contact. It feels like that’s the first step towards letting go and I don’t feel ready to push that button yet. But if you can do it, I can do it.
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Old 24th November 2018, 6:43 PM   #6
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It's been almost 4 weeks for me. I hate the way it ended. It feels really unfinished and I don't know what to think of his replies. I feel like if he had really wanted to stop me from walking away, he would have said something more than what he did. But over the past 2 years, I have always responded when he's reached out and have very clearly not wanted to break ties with him. So there has been no reason for him to step up.
That's sometimes the only thing that keeps me going with NC sometimes. That I want him to have some respect for me. I hate the way I've acted in the past 2 years. I wish I could undo it.
I don't think I was ugly in our last interaction, although I did tell him that he isn't the person I thought he was. Maybe that's really mean, I don't know. But I was so hurt.
I know it will get better someday but right now it sucks. I think about him SO much it annoys me.
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Old 24th November 2018, 6:50 PM   #7
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Charlierose30 let's hold each other accountable. Just post here on LS when you feel like you want to reach out to them and I'll talk you out of it.
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Old 24th November 2018, 7:03 PM   #8
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Nolanola - deal! We can do this together.
I totally understand everything youíre saying. Iíve always been available for him when he reaches out, and he knows Iíll always reply. Thatís the terrifying thing about cutting off contact - it scares me because Iíve never really said no to him. And even though heís broken up with me, I feel bad. Itís ridiculous.
But like you, I need him to respect me and I need to respect myself. And so do you.
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Old 24th November 2018, 7:58 PM   #9
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Charlierose30 I wrote this in another thread I think but I'll repeat what I said because I think you and I both have this issue. I am not good with boundaries and am always scared of standing up for myself because I don't want to upset someone or I don't want to risk that I would "lose him".

When I actually told him how hurt I was and how I felt that he should have told me he was dating someone, I stood up for myself. I set a boundary by saying his behavior was not acceptable to me. After a day or two, my inclination was to want to "fix it" and try to reach out to him and smooth things over. It felt so uncomfortable. My therapist said it was like a right handed person trying to write with their left hand. It feels uncomfortable because it's not something you're used to.

She also said it's understandable that the other person doesn't respond well. They don't like it because you've been letting them do whatever they want for so long. To quote what she said "don't expect them to throw a parade".

I appreciate your kind words. It's so helpful for me to know that someone else is feeling a lot of the same things and struggling with a lot of the same things.
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Old 25th November 2018, 3:02 AM   #10
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Nolanola, everything youíre saying rings true for me too. I never respected my boundaries and always rushed to fix things as soon as possible. Itís the same with NC, I feel like Iím letting him down, or that I will ďlose himĒ.
Heís already lost. And that was a choice he made.
Has he tried to contact you since you started NC?
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Old 25th November 2018, 11:28 AM   #11
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Charlierose30, he has not said anything to me since I started NC. It's been 4 weeks. In my mind, I've been hoping he would. It feels so harsh for him to just let that be it. We've know each other for 5 years and have been close for about 4 and a half. It seems like such a harsh way to end that and I think that's why I say it feels unfinished. I keep thinking maybe he will try to smooth things over when some time has passed. When Thanksgiving went by and he didn't say anything, I start to think that he's probably not going to reach out again. Or maybe he's trying to give me space. Or maybe he's mad at me or hurt by what I said. Not knowing can make a person crazy.

But I don't think I said anything so mean. I think I just told him how I felt and how hurt I was. He gets to know that and if that means we never speak again, I hope that eventually I will be at peace for sticking up for myself. I think I will.

Be strong. I think we will both feel better after some time has passed. I know I want to feel good about myself again and I think standing up for myself and then backing it up with NC is the first step to get there.
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Old 27th November 2018, 5:28 AM   #12
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He called me. I answered. I told him how hurt I am and how little responsibility he has taken. He still blames me for everything which is infuriating. He is in the wrong here. We both cried. What a mess. Itís a new day tomorrow.
Nolanola, how are you holding up?
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Old 28th November 2018, 10:25 AM   #13
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I'm so sorry Charlierose30. He sucks for that. How are you feeling today?

I heard from the guy a few days ago. He sent a text with something about how he hoped I had a good Thanksgiving and complimented me on an article I wrote. I have not replied. This is extremely uncomfortable for me to not reply. I worry about what he thinks or whatever. But that message was some BS. He said nothing about hurting me and still hasn't even confirmed to me about whether he's dating someone. And I've been crying so many tears for the past few weeks and obsessing about what he's doing. So I've decided that I have to do something different than I've done in the past, which was that I always jumped when he contacted me. If he wants to contact me in a real way, I'm willing to respond to that.

It's set me back a little bit to get his text, but I hope it won't for long. How are you feeling after talking to your ex? Maybe it's time to set a boundary with him as far as talking, at least if you don't feel good after talking to him. You deserve to be happy and to be able to heal. If he can't contribute to that, then he doesn't deserve to be in your life for right now.
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Old 28th November 2018, 3:31 PM   #14
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Hi Nolanola, I feel horrible after speaking to him. I really wanted him to apologise, or empathise, or show me something (anything) to indicate that he knows how ****ty this situation has been. But instead I just got blame, which made me question myself all over again.
I donít understand how I can miss him so much (it feels painful) and want to see and speak to him so badly and he doesnít. A month ago we were planning our future, how can he forget about me so quickly?! It is so hard to feel like I meant nothing to him. How do you cope with these feelings?
Youíve done the right thing not responding. He has no right to throw you breadcrumbs like that. He chose to let you go so he has to live with that. All of it. If he were to give you something solid then that would be different but it doesnít sound like he is capable of that right now. Iím so sorry youíre going through this. You deserve so much better.
I feel really hopeless right now.
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Old 28th November 2018, 10:38 PM   #15
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I’m so sorry Charlierose30. You deserve so much better. Do you think you could send him an email or something and ask him not to contact you anymore? You can also just ignore him but I know I have a hard time with that, even when it’s justified. I feel mean if I don’t write back. But I think you need to cut this douche out of your life. He doesn’t deserve to be able to talk to you if he’s guys be like that. He most likely feels he has nothing to lose because he can still talk to you when he wants to. It hasn’t occurred to him yet that he’s going to lose you.
Maybe send an email, keep it super short and just say you were upset by the conversation and that it made you realize that you need space with no communication. I know it’s so scary. Or you can just block him/ignore him.
I just know that when you’re not getting what you want and deserve from a relationship, it’s going to hurt you and give you false hope to stay in touch with him.
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