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hp1 23rd February 2019 7:47 AM

Getting cold and disrespectful to get me to break up first? **Updated**
I am dumbfounded at my GF of 1 year behavior and although it's clear what is happening, I don't know best way to handle with her, as well as deal myself. Im being hurt by all this but for some reason, I am clinging to naive hope she will regain feelings. I am 50 she is 40.

Typical start, head over heels, etc etc. Red flags from the start I overlooked (big drinker, lots of guy friends, flirty, not introduce me as boyfriend, no photos on soclal media). Reasons were she has 2 kids (10 and 13) and doesn't want them to know she has boyfriend. She is very attractive, LOVES attention especially from males, and is a pole dancer (not strip or in a club, just as a sport/hobby). Very charming and knows how to manipulate men or least seems the type. Very smart. Also liked to create air of jealousy and make me wonder if being faithful, but always said its her weird humor and just joking. I ignored all this and hoped the great love we had she would honor committed relationship. She said would be exclusive and had no reason to think otherwise since we always had so much fun and enjoy being together.

She, however, broke up with me after 3 months for vague reasons saying didnt like certain things about my personality. I like her before the break up but after this I felt like I had to get her back and her value soared. I asked her to reconsider but she said no. Was devastated but evertually went NC and she contacted crying asking if get back together.

It was at this point in getting back that I decided to become the 'perfect' boyfriend and super Nice guy. I got needy, and smothered. I also lost focus on my work and goals. I became who I thought she wanted me to be. I worried what clothes she would like or not like. The anxiety of her negative reactions to my change into a 'people pleaser" led into depression since I hid my trouble dealing with this from her since I sensed she wasn't all that invested t that point.

Over the next 6 months my neediness got worse (and anxiety and depression all caused my her non committal style) and she started taking me for granted.

She stopped sending texts about her day, taking longer to reply, no more emojis no more good morning texts. Not as excited when we met. Being in depression and thinking about her so much, I had not much interesting to talk about. She was my whole world (my bad I know). Always treat her well and never yelled or cheated. Also not spend time with friends or hobbies either. So all my bad I know.

Then she starts not giving me details about where she was for some hours like used to and getting annnoyed if ask. Secretive about phone. Starting stupid fights. All the typical. If try to call her out on it turns it around and I back down since dont want to lose her.

Now its at point where the texts take hours to get replies, always me sending, less available. Every time get together its new reason why she cant do this anymore (more time with kids, wants to just be alone, my change in personality, worries about not seeing future with me because my career is not doing well).

Every time meet I try be fun and light but she steers it to an arguement and critique how I chew, hold my fork, etc. Now its with the lack of interest in sex.

She seems to have lost all respect for me and I know why. but also she was shady from the start and not into it. Always one sided and met at her convenience.

Asked her several times if cheating or seeing other people and she says no. She says has guys waiting for her but she says no but doesn't know how long can wait. Worries about future because 2 kids and my job is not good (true). I said give me 2. months to make change and if not we can stop. She said OK but ive been saying for a year about it but no change (hard to be driven when depressed and can't get out of bed).

Despite her agreeing to not see anyone yet, I feel she already has been and not telling me. She posted online about concert she went to and it was pretty clear was a date. If I ask her about it, she will turn it around on me and say was a friend or something and use as excuse to break up.

I know. JUST MOVE ON. but right now I have job to fall back on (barely self employed but working on that) and no close friends or family. She is all I have and im feeling so lost and sad I cant seem to let go, but I know this is degrading to me and running any chance we may have in the future if my situation changes. My self esteem is zero and all her criticisms of me ring in my head and the worst part is I agree with most of them.

She cries every time we together and I can only assume its because feels guilty OR loves me and knows ive done nothing wrong, but cant be with me because I am not enough for her. she likes successful, independent driven types. I guess she thought I was that at the beginning.

I think she found a more excited and rich guy and just wanted to have fun all the time and the future thing is an excuse. Was never really wanting real relationship.

I cant seem to leave her and keep trying to get her to meet me but its getting harder.

What can I do to have any chance get her feeling back? I know I cant if other guy. and how can I manage my desperation over this?

thanks (be kind please).

chillii 23rd February 2019 8:14 AM

Sorry about your sitch and frame right now and l'm not one of these people that just say oh next like love and relationships just grow on tress .
l guess you know all the truth anyway , it's all in your post from guys in wait and rich guy stuff l mean who knows and l've never known too many guys waiting around for someone with someone else l can tell ya.
She plays a lot of games sorry. But even if she is seeing someone it just makes it all even worse.
you know you gotta forget about getting her back she's never really been there in the first place anyway do you really even want someone like that back , why ? You don't need that shyt, really . l'm around your age and well they don't grow on trees but there are still plenty of women out there and one of them would be a lot better suited to you and feel the right stuff for you and bring the real you back again , she's just messin you up..

Really , l'd stop trying with her , just let it go,, to hell with it. Maybe you could focus on getting your work up and running and getting back to you . And as you start to feel better start enjoying life again. Who knows who your gonna stumble across when the time is right.
Good luck

hp1 23rd February 2019 8:20 AM

thank you for your reply.

I guess because I dont have 100% proof I am still in denial. And because emotionally I am hanging on my a thread and no friends or family or job to support me, I guess I am obsessed with making this work. Im having really hard time accepting reality of what is happening and she is likely now in love with someone else.

because my esteem is about zero now and dont have job, I cant even think to be confident with women or approach them since once they know my sitch they would bounce.

This girl is a real stunner and head turner and I dont think its likely to get another like her unless was more successful.

this lady did a number on me. She joked she as a narcissist early on. maybe wasn't joke.

d0nnivain 23rd February 2019 8:37 AM

She's not all you have. As soon as you jettison her you will have time to go find real friends. Join an entrepreneurial group to find like minded folks & fix your business.

It's clear this relationship is not healthy for you. Stop clinging to it like a life raft. I know letting go is scary (I'm struggling to let go of something & jump into the unknown myself right now). But the rewards are there. Take the risk.

elaine567 23rd February 2019 9:26 AM

You are making it all about her but frankly you sound like you are a millstone around her neck.
Get a proper job, get your depression sorted out and get out of bed...

hp1 23rd February 2019 9:42 AM

I tried starting my own business in a foreign county and was doing ok, but I guess I found I cant handle being in love and focus on work. I get too distracted I guess. The depression and anxiety which affected my business was because of her shady behavior that I wrote about. Im not blaming her and yes I did put too much pressure on the relationship but she is clearly playing games from the get go which affected me greatly. Now dealing with the fallout. I thought she wanted to have a relationship but Im not sure she was ever committed.

She told me after sex one time "yes I sleep with other guys". then when say my reacton said "im just joking". She knows I have those worries. Thats what im dealing with her.

Basically im afraid to pull the plug but also afraid how this will devolve even more. I have few friends here and no family to support. thats why I came to this forum. thanks

smackie9 23rd February 2019 4:31 PM

You have to realize she is not your answer to happiness..she's the reason why you are alone and depressed. d0nnivian is right. Once you send her off out of here, you will be able to get your life back on track mentally and physically. She's holding you down at this point. Letting her go will bring a great release that will help you move forward.

maxi105 23rd February 2019 8:13 PM

hp. hello. hmmm.....I appreciate that this is not the happiest time for you so I will try to spare you too harsh a reply, (but it will be an honest one none the less!!!!!) I will try to skip some of my thoughts and get to the heart of what I think, (but Im sure you already know what the outcome is because you say it yourself, just with desperate hope and a bit of fear mixed in, .but I feel the outcome is the same sadly! :(

so despite everything im reading from on your posts I've come to the same conclusion regardless, and that is that you two are unfortunately not compatible!!!!!! if you ever really were?

I suspect she has already moved on in her head from you and wants to actually move on physically from too you but she is unhappy maybe a bit afraid of what will happen and knows how unhappy you knowing about her feelings to move on will make you feel.

you are already sensing something is very very wrong regardless of whether she has flirted or slept with anyone else. but at least once you know if she wants to be with you I MEAN REALLY WANTS YOU AND LOVES YOU, then you can at least do something about it to help yourself move forward.

I don't see this relationship as lasting and it certainly doesn't sound like it has any kind of real quality to it, so maybe you need to start asking for the truth and dealing with it rather than running away or making yourself feel even lower by running yourself down and or presuming situations that you don't know what is or isn't likely or true or real.

if you do hear (or maybe I should say "when" you hear that she isn't in love with you anymore), then at least you can start to look for ways to get over things, grieving, feeling upset, angry, blame etc...until all of your mixed up and down feelings clear up and you don't feel so cut up about it..

I also think you are thinking WAY TOO MUCH ABOUT THINGS WITHOUT KNOWING ACTUALLY KNOWING WHAT IS REALLY GOING ON !!!! so if you want to know what is going on for her (or what has gone on and what hasn't gone on!!!!!) you have to talk to her properly, only she knows how she feels and whether she wants to spend the rest of her life with you!!!!!!

if im really honest I am not really sure why you are wasting so much time with this situation. again I dont mean too sound hard, but I do think it is a waste of time from what you have already said about the two of you in a relationship.

although you are the older partner, I feel you are just delaying what is inevitable. I can understand that you are frightened with your situation with work and friends etc, but again at the age of 50 you do need to deal with things in a more realistic way, friends or not, regular work or not.

you are asking us to be kind, but I think the kindest thing you can do is for yourself and see this situation for what it really is!!!!!!! your heart knows what it is feeling isn't real love!

look, I don't want to make you feel bad in a situation where you are struggling but for the sake of your future happiness, do yourself a favour and listen to what your heart is really telling you. not what might happen, look at the red flags look at how you feel and are trying to be something you are not just to hang on to something that doesn't even sound like love or proper thoughtful and deep loving or understanding affection.

unless she does love you and is prepared to commit (I don't mean she is thinking of anyone else or has been with anyone else) I mean unless she is willing to commit to you and the relationship now and long term then you need to stop dreaming and hoping because all you are doing is hurting yourself and keeping the hurt going looking for any excuses to fill in your anxieties until you can face what you need to.

I don't think she is a bad person, I just think she isn't in love the way you need her to be to be happy. and the sooner you deal with that the sooner you can heal your heart and find someone that will love you and you can share your happiness with and they will want to share thiers with you.

sorry if this isn't the answer you hoped for. but there is nothing ive read that convinces me even if she tells you that she's sorry and does love you and wants to try again, that you will be together forever or happy in years to come.

I just don't think it will be possible: unless she loves you.and im not getting love.

both of you sound as though you are running from things and don't have the courage to end this.

take care of yourself. :eek: maxi.

Trail Blazer 23rd February 2019 8:27 PM

Go with your gut. If it doesn't feel right, it usually isn't. I'm in a somewhat similar boat. My gf is hot, but although not exhibiting nearly as many 'red flag' traits, there is something which is really missing and I can feel she's doing the slow drift.

As posters have said before, this relationship is dead. Concentrate on self-improvement and go see a psychologist if need be. Get your mental health in check, start doing things for yourself, be the best version of YOU and you should start atttacting the right women.

hp1 24th February 2019 12:19 AM

Thank you so much for everyone's honest feedback. I'm very appreciative.

I have asked her repeatedly if she is seeing someone else oregano is wrong and she says no she hasn't but we all know people rarely admit this. When I mention her being distant she turns it around and starts a fight about it as I'm wrong for bringing it up.

The reasons for wheel saying "she can't do this anymore" range from my unstable income and she has kids (before said was ok), to wanting to focus her kids more, to just wanting be alone a while etc.

Our last conversation she said feels bad I'm spending money on her each time and knows I don't have it. Says once find some stable income then we can see. She agreed to wait 2 more months reluctantly. She said not dating other guys but can't wait for me forever.

Then I see post on IG that she went to s show and not kind of thing would go alone to or with a GF. She didn't tell me about it and I haven't had chance to ask since she isn't making time to meet me. I don't want to ask over text. But seems like us is going on dates and maybe more so not being truthful. She said was going to get haircut but then I see this post that she knows I will see.

After this latest meeting few days ago where she told me reason is because she doesn't see future with me based on my finances and other things, she has gotten even more cold and sometimes just ignoring my texts. I don't wa t to just fade out this way I want to meet and see if she still agrees to the timeline we set.

She is giving me half truths and mixed messages sometimes so even I ask I don't know what is true or not.

I know best thing is walk away but then it's like I never get the truth of what she is doing or had done

I guess only way could try is to think it's only chance however slim we have. What I'm doing by pestering her for time and her getting more disrespectful and annoyed isn't working obviously.

I love this woman and wanted to marry her, so it's hard to give up.

I know long term it's hard me to trust her due to her liking male attention so much and lack of transparency. I guess I hoped we could overcome that.

She has this kind of bewitching spell over me that I can't describe but some guys may know what I mean.

basil67 24th February 2019 12:24 AM

She's not trying to get you to break up. She's trying to break up and you're trying to get her to stay.

As she wants out, just let her go.

hp1 24th February 2019 12:42 AM

That's a good way to look at it I guess. I suppose having trouble since I've been good to her and treated her very well and she knows this as well. All I've done wrong is try be with her too much and that's just because love her so.
But I guess it affected her attraction. She lost respect for me and continued too I guess. I pinned so much hope on this with her and was glad I found someone I'm so happy with (when she was too). I put too much of my self worth on her view of me that if she rejects me after I showed her who I was and was all in , then it's true I wasn't good enough for her and she is right. I'm not enough for a smart, sexy, independent, talented, sharp woman like that and was out of my league and she discovered it. I'm not sure how to accep that.

rightondude 24th February 2019 1:25 AM

you need to drop this hot mess and fix yourself brother. I have been there where you think "I'll never get better!" but that's not true. Look at yourself man. Being alone would be better than you're feeling now. What is her hotness getting you except for endless frustration? When do you get the chance to actually "appreciate" this hotness of which you speak?

Drop her, recover yourself, and she will be begging you to come back. This time, don't change who you are. You may like your re-found self so much you don't even consider the possibility. Don't go on living as a shell of yourself.

hp1 24th February 2019 2:20 AM

Thank you rightondude that also makes a lot of sense. I agree with you. What concerns me is I don't even want to look at other women and the way I see her is kind of perfect and it's like it's has to workout with her since I don't desire anyone else. The good times were best I've had and I know I've put her on a pedestal. I'm a bit obsessed I guess and I'm seeing her as the only woman I want so it must work. Her disappointment in me is partially true and I don't want her to give up. I guess I can't believe that maybe she never really loved me or at least not now. I feel there is no loyalty there and I was used and being discarded. She is already over it and I'm left blindsided, alone, mentally fragile, and lost in what direction I can and should go. I feel if I have her love and attention I can refocus and wil be motivated if I know she will stick by me. Naive and delusional maybe but it's what is going on inside

basil67 24th February 2019 3:14 AM

Why do you see her as perfect? Serious question.

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