Can't really Talk to My Wife . . .Looking for Folks to talk with
Hi. I tried to look for other folks not really happy in their marriage, basically lonely, who can't leave (for some reason, mine? My young children) and just want some people to talk with. I tried it on the "Jade Rose" penpal site but was kicked off . . . .guess 'cause I mentioned SEX!
Anyway, me in a nutshell:
Married 20 years
Provide what I thought was a reall good living for my family (mid-six-figures)
Still get home to help with/be with my kids
Help ALOT with household chores
Wife has built up ALOT of resentment toward me becuase, best I can figure . . . I don't give her enough "mad money" to shope with per month. I think she'd be happy with $5,000 - $10,000 a month. I CANNOT do that and not go bankrupt
She shows resentment by with-holding affection and sex
Our conversations are generally fights about money
I 've tried getting us to counseling and she generally leaves after a session or two.
I still try expensive date nights but that only works for affection/intimacy once every 5/6 tries.
I won't leave her because of our young children but I'd sure like to have some folks to talk with. I think it would just make my life a little brighter!
So, just to get the ball rolling, your only thing that she resents about you is that you don't give her enough money to spend? And she withholds sex because you don't pay her enough?
You mention being married 20 years...when did this fighting about money begin? Did either of you have any sort of affair? Do you spend nights out with the guys? Does she get out alone? And you mention expensive date nights...do you get out to have a FUN time...say a walk in the park or along a beach? Is this the first marriage for both? Does she work outside of the home? Did she in the past? Did she go to college? What is your occupation? You mention making alot of money...how many hours a week do you work?
Just a few questions to answer. I have learned that this helps give people some thought to present to you for possible solutions.
Thanks for the reply. Let's see. . . .money fights started about 10 years into the marriage, as we had our first child and she stopped working full time. Her advice to me as she quit her job . . . . "Find a way to make-up my $40,000 . . . .you're the husband/dad"
No affairs . . . .but I've been tempted. Ended a friendship with a woman because it was heading that way. This was a couple of years ago. That's a big reason I'm here, because talks about my troubles with this person was leading me there. I tell you though, it was INCREDIBLE to feel desired by a woman again after about 6-7 years of feeling like the biggest, ugliest loser in the world!!! from now on, I'm only talking about my woes THIS way or to a counselor.
No nights out with the guys. In fact I have no real male friends . . . .I've been asked to go get a beer with the guys from work . . . .when I ask she sighs and says something like, "You go have fun . . . .I'll deal with your children as I do all day" (wink . .wink . . .they're in SCHOOL!!!) Once done with work around 6:00 pm I'm straight home. . . .usually picking up dinner along the way. Help the older two with homework, but the youngest to bed. That's my day!
She gets most Saturdays to sleep in till about 10:00-11:00 and then she goes shopping. I encourage her to go work out with a female friend.
If we do go out . . . .you know, pay for a baby-sitter. . . . .we're putting on the Ritz!
First marriage for both.
After a few years she did go back to work two days a week. She makes a very good wage per hour in the medical field.
She has an Associates Degree
I am a finance manager. I make around $135,000 ,give or take bonuses, in a relative low cost of living area.
I work around 50 hours a week and really don't travel much at all. Job wise . . . .I'm very blessed.
I had the most awesome and wisest post almost done...and the power went out. Well, the power went out, but the rest is probably stretching it.
Since I forgot most of it, I will try to be brief.
When you go out on date night, what is the conversation about? Do you have fun? Do you expect sex afterwards?
I am assuming the children are between five and ten years. Even if they are in school, they can be very demanding when they are home. If I am guessing right, she still has three hours with them while you have a little less each day. When children come home from school, they usually are bouncing off the walls. By six or seven o clock, they have mellowed a bit. I know, I have four between five and ten years. And right now, they are all home. Does she seem frazzled every day when you get home? I assume all children are "normal" needs...no physical ailments.
What are her other complaints besides money? Children?
Does she have or has she had any physical ailments? Any emotional illnesses? And of course, since this was our problem with my wife having no libdio and low tolerance for stress...has she EVER had a thyroid problem?
Thanks. This does help to develop a picture of your situation. By the way, if you haven't, browse the threads...someone may have a similar situation.
And she's still belly aching? She quits her job and tells you to worry about making up the $40,000 a year difference.
Tell you what, I'll help you out here Pal. If one Saturday morning I see you out cutting the front lawn, I'll pick up speed, jump the curb, and run over you and put you out of your ever-loving misery! I'd do it for you because I know you would do it for me and not want a friend to suffer!
__________________
I may not be perfect! But, parts of me are pretty awesome, and I'm working on the rest!
When we go out we usually talk about the things she wants to buy or next major project she wants to do for the house . . . .new patio, new car, re-do the kitchen, etc. It's not what I want to talk about, but I humor her because I want her to enjoy herself, I don't want to fight and yes . . . . .I'm hoping and praying that we'll go home and make love . . . .because it'll have probably been two weeks since we last did make love (sometimes as many as four but definitely no more frequent than a week)
Eventually, she and her siblings all had to turn to anti-depressants in order to cope with the "misery" of their lives. It's a "gift" passed on to them by their horrific parents. Me and the other in-law spouses have labelled it the "supposed to" syndrome my wife and her siblings have.
Basically stated, their mom and dad raised them to believe that life is basically "supposed to" be a trip to Disneyland for them, and if it doesn't appear to be that, a very good person to blame for the let down is your spouse.
After all these years, I'm just tired of doing all that I do for her and being made to feel like a failure . . .not worthy of a hand-holding, neck rub and definitely not enthusiatic love making. Just tired and sad, and wishing things had turned out differently.
Thanks for your offer Gunny . . . .but I got the kids to consider! Oh and STAY single!!!
Do you remember why you fell inlove with her? And she you? Try to bring back those feelings...
Seems life has gotten routine and daily grind has set in. Both of you are not meeting eachothers needs and not talking about it isn't helping. MAKE special time together, cuddle and talk. Intimacy doesn't always have to be wrapped up in having sex...Having a bubble bath or lazing around on the couch together after the kids are asleep can be just as good. Emotionally you two NEED to bond.
Bring home flowers for her...See how she reacts. And, start talking to eachother, maybe if she knew how unhappy you are things can start moving abit to be fixed. I'm sure she feels some of her needs aren't being met either. Marriage is what you put into it, it's on-going work to make sure things stay on even keel.
Another thing is, you DO need male buddies. Each of you still have to have friends, to go out and BE yourself, meaning not being a daddy or a husband, you're just YOU when you're with friends.
How in **** are you a failure? You're earning a six figure income (only 3% of the population do so) you own your own house, have a great job that you enjoy, dedicated father and husband ~ where's the failure at there Bro?
Oh, you married a Princess who has an AA degree, and feel that she's entitled? WTF, your wife needs to catch the next train to reality before it leaves the station! I know pleanty of people with bachelor's degree's, master's and even PhD's that are working jobs that they could have gotten withoiut a college degree for $8 - $9 an hour. I read about a guy in Atlanta with an MBA (Atlanta-Journal) working in a convience store. I read another story in the paper about a guy with a PhD in CIS, working for $9 an hour in a warehouse.
Instead of bitchin' about what she doesn't have or get, she should be damn greatful for what she does have.
It sounds like that song by Waylon Jenning and Willie Nelson ~ "Lukenbach, Texas",.........................."All this successful life we're living, got us feauding like the Hattifileds and McCoy's,......................Four car garage and still adding on"
My o' my! What would the Princess do ~ if she had to live like "us" poor peons?
If it would make you feel any better ~ Warren Buffet's old lady dumped him. And, you can bet Bill Gate's old lady wants to add on or re-model their 40,000 square foot house ~ and is giving Bill grief about something.
Get married again? What with the mental, emotional and physical illnesses, I've read about here on LS, along with the state of a lot of men's love life ~ no way Jose!
Wantedbetter - if all that you say is true then frankly you deserve better.
Make your wife appreciate what she has by showing her a world where people don't have - make her work a soup kicthen or work a charity - get her to see the suffering in the world and how lucky she is to be so spoiled.
She needs a wake up call - don't allow yourself to be her doormat. You DO NOT need to take her out to dinner to make her feel good when she acts like a b**ch to you!
If you work all day, she takes care of the house - it's called compromise - one works, one cares. If she wants to go shopping then she should do so with her own money and from her own work.
You are not a slave to her.
I'd never allow myself to treat someone in that fashion especially not your husband.
Marriage is about partnership and it takes two equals to make it work.
When people argue about money it seems like more would be the answer, but you already know that spending can become an addiction that people use to combat depression or a sense of something missing. It's got to be irritating for you that a lifestyle most people would envy can't please your wife. It sure seems like what unhappy women are good at is making their husbands feel like worthless garbage, but it's usually something they don't like about themselves that makes them into b*tches. You can get great support and empathy from the folks here but once you log off, all your problems are still there, so don't stop trying to communicate at home.
Hey Wantintotalk! Good to see you! Glad you got the message to come on over! I know this isn't just "you and me" like it was over on the jade rose site . . . .but at least we won't get kicked off here!! So please continue to post or let me know if you start a thread so I can talk with you!!
Everyone else . . .thanks so much for your replies! Just got back taking the kids to the YMCA. W stayed home so she could look at her catalogs . . . .you know the clothing ones that come just about everyday. Tomorrow when I get home from work she'll have about 20-30 pages "ear-marked" with the items she'll want. She already fills three closets in the house so we can't get much more.
Most of what you guys are saying I agree almost totally with. We DO need to laugh .. . . . I really want to laugh, but it's hard when you're hit with how miserable a person's day was because of a kid or teo (or three) the second you come in from the garage. And if we do take the dog for a walk. . . . rather than notice the sunset, or the stars, she'll notice the Lexus that just drove by, asking me if I'd like that one , but maybe in blue. <sigh>
And Casting Pearls . . . .you've hit the nail on the head. Her addiction/obession is shopping because she is depressed and only feels good with that momentary high she gets with a purchase or home improvement project. I wish she'd get "high" on her husband's desire for her . . . .don't women like being sexually desired by their husbands?
I've seen some sites/boards where women are ready to throw themselves off a bridge because their husbands won't touch them. I'm ACHING to and I get turned down . . . . night after night. What more can I do?
Hey Gunny . . . .I'm former Army Artillery. Got out in the '80's as an O3. So even though I'm not Marines I'll still give you a Semper Fi !
I agree with the rest, you need to get a handle on the DW, and her addiction and depression. CBS ran a feature about this very thing~ as did the show "Intervention" Its not imaginary, and its for real. And, it "ain't" no joke.
Your situation remeids me of Mary Hunt, author of several books, has a website called "Debt Proof Living" For $2 you can get the web version of her newsletter, or get it through snail mail for a $1. She also writes a weekly column for sydication.
Mary was married to a banker, and through one way or the other managed to run up over $100,000 in credit card debt alone, plus car payments, plus mortgage payments. She started bouncing checks at the bank ~ which the husband's bosses were none to happy about and almost cost him his job.
She's written several books about how it affected her marriage ~ almost cost her - her marraige, and how she paid every single penny back. It took her 13 years, and she said if she'd had know then what she know's now, she could have done it in have the time.
If you subscribe to the web-newsletter you can access the fourmn. There are some serious horror stories there!
You do realize that aside from the intimacy issues, and the fights about the house its only a question of when not if the day comes when this is all going to come to a boil. Its brewing as I write this ~ its simple Eco101, finite resources chasing infinite wants. Mrs Marcos and her collection of 20,000 shoes comes to mind.
It wouldn't do for me to be married to such a woman as your wife. I'd put her to the curb with that look on her face quick, fast, and in a hurry like. She'd be sitting there with "that look" on her face wondering WTH happended. I'd tell her quick ~ "This ain't Dallas, you're not Sue Ellen, and I'm not JR!"
Being a carrer Marine ~ I very much believe in lessons in objectivity and relativity ~ and if she were my wife ~ she'd be getting one or two. I'd sell the house ~ and move her butt into a trailer park in a mobile home! I'm very much about being thankful for what I've got and not bitchin' about what I don't have! There's always going to be someone better of and worse off than you are.
And, I understand you dedication and responsiblity to your children ~ but I've got to ask you "Skipper" what kind of lessons are they learning here? And, I'm being dead on target with that one!
Me? I come from a long line of poor Alabama dirt farmers. We lived so far back up in the woods, with an out house, a well, garden, picking berries, raising our own hogs for food, etc that when I first went into the Corps and was gone for four years they thought I had just gone to town to check the mail (Family joke).
So, I was raised to stretch a penny ~ and I've passed that on to my chldren. My 26 year old daughter bought her first car without a co-signer when she was 21, and mortgaged her own home at 23.
My son is so tight with a penny, he still lives at home with his Mom at 22. When he goes out on a date, he'll eat dinner before leaving the house ~ and if his date says something about wanting a bite ~ he'll tell her: "You should have ate before you left the house ~ I did! (Got to talk to that boy! Good initative ~ bad judgement when it comes to the ladies ~ needs a little tweaking.)
The reason he's this way is because I told him to be this way. I told him that what he needs to do is complete is education while understanding that in this day and age ~ education is never ending. He must perpetually keep learning either formally or in-formally. That he should forget about getting married and all that crap. That half of the guys that he graduated HS with will be married and divorce at least once by they time they're thirty, some even more than once.
I told him that he needs to go out and find him a trade, become good at it, then damn good at it, and then master it, and that it will take him about ten years to become a master of his trade. To build a reputation of dependability, reliability, and a rock solid reputation. To save his money by continuing to live at home ~ and if his Mother got tired of it ~ he could come live with me. And, to get him some land, build him a house on it like he wants it, to buy all of his Boy Toys, furnish his house ~ and then go find him a wife. And, once he had all of that he wouldn't have any problem finding one.
But, whatever he owned before he got married ~ will be his, and it will be his after the marriage, and after the divorce, and no divorce lawyer, judge could ever take it away from him.
I've seen some sites/boards where women are ready to throw themselves off a bridge because their husbands won't touch them. I'm ACHING to and I get turned down . . . . night after night. What more can I do? [quote]
LS won't allow links, but you can suggest "subjects" for me to Goggle!" LOL! I'm single ~ but I'm all about being a "Fireman!" helping some gal put out a fire!
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