I have been umm-ing and ahh-ing about filling you guys in on the latest in my life. I know there will be many negative responses, and probably deservedly so.
But on the chance that I may receive a word of wisdom from you very intelligent and articulate ladies, I will go ahead and lay out the cards.
I am involved with an MM again. After I swore I would never go there again after my last disastrous result.
This time is very different. He is married, but his wife happens to be a quadriplegic lady, who can't breathe (she is ventilated), eat (tube fed), speak (she can mouth words). She has been in this condition for 5 years. They do not have a sexual or physical relationship in any way whatsoever.
I have been her carer for 18 months and have developed a romantic relationship with him for the past 9 months.
Her life expectancy is not great...she will probably pass in the next year or so. We have plans to be together for the remainder of our futures. It has been a very slow and gradual building of our friendship to the point where we are at now. I am in their home every day. I can honestly say I offer her the utmost best of care and wish no harm on her. I care for her immensely and would be devastated if she ever found out.
I have come to the point where it is all too much so many times, and every time he does whatever it takes to change my mind. He is not smooth with words or a cassanova. He is a very honest and genuine person. I believe him when he says he needs me.
So...bring it on. I know there is no way to make this sound anything less than cruel and sinister. I just need someone to talk to about it.
Just a suggestion, and I mean nothing 'angry' about it.
You should see if you can get someone else to take care of her. That way, if/when something does happen and she passes on, there's NO opportunity for someone to blame you for it in any fashion, based on your relationship with him.
Otherwise, I could see this ending up as an article on MSN or something in a year from now.
__________________
"The newsflash is that in the game of love we are ALL at Vegas, some of us are bigger gamblers than others...
Welcome to VEGAS BABY! " --Tomcat33, May 21, 2008
"Just don't cry when the odds beat YOU" Owl, Sep 08
She has 24 hour care. there is a team of 7 of us that provide around the clock care.
I, too have thought about the repercussions should she pass on my shift. I even put my concerns to him. He is a police officer and he didn't seem to think that sort of question would ever be raised, considering the level of care I give to her (I am the team leader). Still, it seems like a legitimate worry to me.
You might want to look into why you would involve yourself in a man's life that is clearly not emotionally available.
Do you have a past of doing this as a defense mechanism ?
This whole scenario seems wrought with disaster..
You be careful.. he is having to deal with some of the toughest things we as humans have to deal with..
There is no way he can emotionally be there for you when he needs to be there for his dying wife..
Take Care of yourself.. I really don't any true advice other than I feel you need to protect your heart.. I feel in the end you will be terribly hurt..
Art
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~~ One day someone will walk into your life and make you see why it never worked out with anyone else.. ~~
She has 24 hour care. there is a team of 7 of us that provide around the clock care.
I, too have thought about the repercussions should she pass on my shift. I even put my concerns to him. He is a police officer and he didn't seem to think that sort of question would ever be raised, considering the level of care I give to her (I am the team leader). Still, it seems like a legitimate worry to me.
that was my very first thought... could you imagine what you would go through?? Makes my stomach turn just thinking about it, just you getting "mentioned" or "whispered about"
I know I sound like a cliched OW but he IS emotionally there for me. An d I for him. We have a very deep friendship, and it is just the weirdest scenario imaginable, because his wife and I are so close too. They have known she had approx 6 years after she first became sick and have been dealing with that grief ever since. He had lost hope ofr a future for himself and his children and says I have brought back the sunshine for him. He is a very level-headed and realistic man. When he says something he means it. I on the other hand am the one freaking out left, right and centre. My mind is just reeling at times with the intensity of it all.
Well, I hate to be the one to present the other foot, but I see value in this. there are plenty of news stories of people either marrying the people who nursed them through a severe illness, or marrying the person who provided support for their partner, during their terminal illness. We all need companionship, support and kindness. We all need someone who's understanding, kind compassionate and generous of heart.
These guys have found each other.
I'm absolutely certain that if the wife was of fit health, she would want her husband to be happy and fulfilled.
There seems very, very little hope of any form of recovery, and essentially speaking, her husband is mourning for her now. As I'm sure he will do, when she dies.
Discretion, by all means, but I see nothing wrong with this relationship at all.
It is a mutual need, and if it makes them happy, and brings solace, comfort and warmth in the face of sadness and tragedy - who am I to say I think you should stop now." - ?
__________________
"Hatred never ceases through hatred, but hatred ceases by love alone. This is the essence of the ancient and eternal law."
"We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts; with our thoughts, we make the world."
Thank you so much, geisha. That is exactly the way we see it...although, as I said, I do have my moments where I am completely overwhelmed. He, on the other hand, is a rock. It should, logically, be the other way around.
Art,
As certain as you are that there is nothing more than friendship, there IS love and I am 100% certain of that.
My conundrum lies in deciding whether I should offer him only friendship now until she passes and the time eventually comes for us to be together, or to maintain what we have now.
So confusing.
I appreciate all your POV's, guys, I really do. Thank you.
Location: Straight North - sharp left turn at Happenstance
Posts: 1,567
Be careful of providing TMI here. The circumstances you've described already has got to have an extremely small number of cases that would "fit".
Also be careful of your heart. Though the feelings you two have for each other may survive the death of his wife, they may also not survive. He could at that point feel so guilty that he wasn't faithful to her during her last days that he would not want to continue your relationship.
That said, as a wife, if I were in her situation, I would want my husband to be happy. I would want him to care for me, but not die with me.
Just a suggestion, and I mean nothing 'angry' about it.
You should see if you can get someone else to take care of her. That way, if/when something does happen and she passes on, there's NO opportunity for someone to blame you for it in any fashion, based on your relationship with him.
Otherwise, I could see this ending up as an article on MSN or something in a year from now.
I agree with this. I'll have to admit, when I read the first post, there was a part of me thinking that you'd like to slip her something and get rid of her as soon as possible. I'm not saying this to be nasty, but there are a lot of people who will see it this way. They won't tell you to your face, but be assured that they will think of you in a negative way. The situation is kind of creepy as you are going to benifit from another woman's death and you are her caregiver. I would loose that position as soon as possible.
wyld, I've got very mixed feelings on your situation: On the one hand, I'm glad that you've developed a strong relationship with your patient, but it worries me that her husband is looking at you as a potential love interest, because that chases professionalism out the door.
a bit of background here. When my dad placed my mom in a nursing home five years ago because he was unable to meet her health care needs alone, he brought in a woman almost 40 years his junior to clean house for him twice a week. He was convinced that as a single mother from Mexico, he needed to save her from her "bad" situation ... and my mother was still alive! I have no idea if Mom knew what was going on (and I'm hoping she didn't), but my dad was acting the fool over this chicky, who is younger than me.
he was very secretive about the relationship – even after my mother died – and defiant the way a teenager can be defiant, and said some cruel shxt that basically told us that she was valued way more than his family was. He ended up following her into Mexico to elope with her because the Border Patrol refused to let her enter the country, as she lied on her visa application.
turned out that it wasn't the only thing she lied about, and after a few months, immigration officials sent my dad a letter outlining all this crap she had done to exploit him, and he finally got the marriage annulled in March. Yet still can't see why the whole situation was just so wrong.
I'm not saying you are anywhere NEAR the ilk of the succubus that took my daddy for a ride, but please please PLEASE, take care with your actions. If you and the man you're working for are meant to be, things will work out. In the meantime, maintain your professionalism as you help care for his wife, and tell him until he is free and clear to pursue a relationship – out of respect for all involved – you will put your budding romance with him on hold until that time, and he should, too. Because you two deserve to be seen as a legit couple, and not some warped relationship that arose from the situation this man and his wife are in.
__________________ I think my favorite phrase at this moment is, "Shut your piehole!" It doesn't really refer to anything nasty, but it sure does sound rude.
My conundrum lies in deciding whether I should offer him only friendship now until she passes and the time eventually comes for us to be together, or to maintain what we have now.
I guess it is all about how you feel and how much you want to open your heart at this time..
My Mom is an RN and she has taken care of many dying patients and she has also gotten close to the dying members family because she was there taking care of the patient..
Her heart got crushed so many times that she changed her field of RN to a field with less terminal patients.
She has a problem where she seems to sabotage relationships and pick men that are not emotionally available.
She went thru many years of marriage with my father who cheated on her and broke her heart.
that is why I said you need to protect your heart right now.. you have no idea what will happen in the end and really the most important thing you can do for him is be there as his friend..
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