[LucreziaBorgia]

I just found out yesterday. It was a quick diagnosis. Wednesday, I go in to have a lump checked out. The doctor thought it might just be some fibrodense tissue, but sent me in the next day for a diagnostic mammogram and an ultrasound. After the tests, the doctor at the radiology clinic came in and told me it looked suspicious, serious and that I needed to get it taken care of immediately. She said that my doctor would be calling within the afternoon and that I needed to prepare myself for that call.

My doctor called around 4:45 yesterday to tell me that she was very sorry, but that there was every indication of malignancy. They found spiculation, and that is always a bad sign. Some other things popped up too, that basically confirmed it for her. On Tuesday, I go in for some boob digging surgery to take a look at what is inside, see the cell structure, and find out how far its spread and how much boob I am going to lose. I have already decided that if they take one, they may as well take the other. I have 38D's and there is no way I will walk around with a big boob hanging on one side, and nothing on the other. I'd rather be completely flat than have to deal with a lopsidedness that big. I know its probably vain and silly, but I don't care. I simply don't want a uniboob. Not to mention that with as virulent as breast cancer runs in my family, that other boob could very well be next.

Yesterday, I was in shock. My ex came and spent the day with me, checking up on me, calling, and in the afternoon when I picked my daughter up from school he met us at the mall, and we told her that afternoon. She was upset, but relieved that I'm not going to die from it (not that we know of anyway, it doesn't look like it has spread past the breast). She is not happy with the idea of her mother being bald - we joked about that, actually. She's a tween now, so I can understand why that concerns her. Kids have funny ways of dealing with stuff like this. She said, hey ... think of it this way.. "no more bras!" She also asked if I was going to look like her (she's still got an undeveloped little girl chest), and I said 'yeah'. Even in the worst of it, I still found time to laugh a little with my girl. What else can you do? Crying and carrying on won't help. Later that night, my boyfriend came into town and we hung out, watched movies and I hit the sack.

Today, I go to work - they said I didn't have to come in, but I explained that right now I need to be doing normal routine stuff. So, today - work. This weekend - fun (I am going to see a band I like on Saturday). Monday - my last day of work before taking a leave of absence. Tuesday, my life starts to change. I guess right now, I don't hurt and I'm not suffering any physical consequences so its easy to skate on the edge of denial. After Tuesday, though...

I think back on everything I've agonized over the past couple of years. It seems so f*cking stupid to have even worried about it now, compared to what is going through my mind now. I have cancer for G_d's sake, who cares about that other trivial stuff?

Its funny how something like this puts things into perspective. On one hand, I found that all my other worries vanished which was nice. On the other hand, I have a whole new set of worries that never occurred to me that I would have to worry about. Like not having insurance, for instance. My ex has a business and he hired me as his art director, and we were filling out the paperwork for the group plan when I found this out. At least in my state, there is a Cervical and Breast Cancer medicaid plan that I qualify for. Any women without insurance who is diagnosed with cancer qualifies, so I guess today or Monday I will be headed out to the dreaded Social Services office to square that away. I can hardly wait. That place is a nightmare. At least its there, though...

So... right now I do what I normally do. I work. I help my kid with homework. I hang out with my ex. I spend time with my boyfriend. I feed my LoveShack addiction. I post away like normal. It is keeping me sane right now.

Why post it here? Why not? This place is like an interactive blog for me anyway, and its nice to get some stuff out anonymously. Somehow posting it - putting it to actual words helps in a weird way. I thought about posting about it on my MySpace page, but for some reason it is much easier to do it here...

[oasis]

So sorry about your diagnosis. There are lots of great treatment for breast cancer. Stay positive. You are in my prayers.

[Art_Critic]

LB..

Ah sweetie... (((( hugs ))))..

I'm not a big one for words.. just know I think the strength in your post is incredible and I have no doubt that you will get thru this okay..
If you ever are in need of someone to lend an ear then pm me..
You are in my prayers..

[sb129]

LB- so sorry to hear about your diagnosis.

Are you up for hearing some success stories that I know, or are you getting bombarded with "X had breast cancer and Y happened, and now they are fine?"

[Lizzie60]

I'm soooo sorry to hear that...

Hang in there.. Unless they come up with the lab result... there is no cancer... just speculation... Be positive...

I will send you my good vibes...

Keep us informed...

((HUGS))

[whichwayisup]

LB, I'm really sorry to hear this news and you know we all love you and will help you through this.

PM me anytime, k. I do mean that and I'll be checking up on you as well.

[Herzen]

I'm so sorry, LB. The good news is that this cancer is neither terminal nor disfiguring. You will survive and, someday, get the best implants money can buy.The people who surround you--especially your daughter and your ex--love you more than you can imagine. (Speaking of ex's, the NYT did a story a couple of years ago about long divorced/separated spouses who, even after remarriage, returned to care for their extremely ill former spouses).The ties that bind.

Nothing like a cancer diagnosis to put the whole overblown infidelity thing in perspective.

Good luck, LB. You're in my thoughts and prayers (and I'm an Atheist!).

[Ladyjane14]

Originally Posted by LucreziaBorgia

I think back on everything I've agonized over the past couple of years. It seems so f*cking stupid to have even worried about it now, compared to what is going through my mind now. I have cancer for G_d's sake, who cares about that other trivial stuff?

Like everyone here... I'm so sorry to hear this news. But I want to thank you for sharing this thought (above) with us.
The Big Picture is always what matters and all the little things that junk it up are pretty much a waste of good energy. That's sometimes hard to keep in mind when you're a chronic worrier like I am.

You're in my prayers, LB.

[a4a]

LB have you looked at some BC support groups?

Nobody will ever understand what you are feeling as much as those in the midst or those victorious over their own BC situations.

Stay strong and positive.

[climbergirl]

I, too, am so sorry to hear you have to go though this. You're in my thoughts as well.

I'm glad to hear, though, that you have a great support system in your family, ex, boyfriend and work.

Stay strong.

[lindya]

Originally Posted by LucreziaBorgia

I have already decided that if they take one, they may as well take the other. I have 38D's and there is no way I will walk around with a big boob hanging on one side, and nothing on the other. I'd rather be completely flat than have to deal with a lopsidedness that big. I know its probably vain and silly, but I don't care.

It's certainly not vain and silly - and I know you'd never think anyone else was vain or silly for thinking of that. You deserve to get the very best treatment - including what's best for you psychologically as well as physically

Yesterday, I was in shock. My ex came and spent the day with me, checking up on me, calling, and in the afternoon when I picked my daughter up from school he met us at the mall, and we told her that afternoon.

I'm so glad you have that kind of relationship with your ex. He sounds like a great friend to have, and obviously cares hugely about you.

Even in the worst of it, I still found time to laugh a little with my girl. What else can you do? Crying and carrying on won't help.

There's probably going to come a point when you know that you'd feel better if you did have a bit of a cry though. It might not be the best beauty booster, but it's a pretty great stress reliever

At least in my state, there is a Cervical and Breast Cancer medicaid plan that I qualify for. Any women without insurance who is diagnosed with cancer qualifies, so I guess today or Monday I will be headed out to the dreaded Social Services office to square that away. I can hardly wait. That place is a nightmare. At least its there, though...

Would you be able to take a good friend along with you? If you get kept waiting (as often seems to happen in those situations, unfortunately), it's probably better to be waiting with someone who can help to relax you.

Why post it here? Why not? This place is like an interactive blog for me anyway, and its nice to get some stuff out anonymously. Somehow posting it - putting it to actual words helps in a weird way. I thought about posting about it on my MySpace page, but for some reason it is much easier to do it here...

I'm glad you did post it here. You've helped so many posters on this site, and tons of people think very, very highly of you, LB.

[Sassy]

So sorry about that LB!! My fIL gets his results of his stress test today. We know he has a blockage in his neck leading to his brain and losing oxygen which is making him pass out. They checked the heart yesterday and we will find out at 11:30 today what they will do and if he has any blockage in his heart at all. We know he is going to have surgery but as of now we don't know how bad it is. I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts. Take care if you need to talk anytime I will be just a im away!

[quankanne]

am also very sorry to hear about this diagnosis, and no, you're not being vain or silly about thinking ahead about a uniboob … especially with family concerns about breast cancer being "virulent." Just think of it as proactive planning, you know?

you're definitely in my prayers. Hugs to you too ...

[dropdeadlegs]

LB, I wish this wasn't happening to you, or to anyone.

Your post was so positive at a time when you could be falling apart. I see so much strength in you, as I always do. A positive, fighting, attitude is so important in these matters. I believe that inner spirit plasy an important role in recovery and survival rates.

Until the biopsy results are in there is the chance that all is well, but in your case I would appreciate a doctor who was upfront with me about the likely outcome versus one who says not to worry until it's time to worry. I'm better with preparing for the worst at the first sign of a problem.

Keep your fighting attitude. Breast cancer is no longer the death sentence it once was and early detection is saving thousands of lives. I'm so happy to know that there is public assistance in your area. Not having insurance coverage is no reason for anyone to not have the best of care. My area offers free screenings for cancer related health concerns and I take advantage of those myself.

These screenings are funded by the Avon Foundation, the same company that markets cosmetics. We all need to remember that Avon supports women's health and support the company in kind.

My thoughts are with you, LB. LS has an awesome cheering squad! Best of luck on Tuesday.

[johan]

Hey, LucreziaB. I hope for the best for you. I'm impressed by your attitude though, and I think you'll handle this well. But I think it's sad news, and I'm sorry you have to face it.