Men-honest:questionaire Re: Porn

[whichwayisup]

Its downright unfair for me to want him to love me? Well according to yuo people I guess I would have to accept that my man doesn't find me attractive because he HAS to think about other chicks. I am not upset with him thinking another chick is attractive. What I am against is him thinking about that attractive chick naked in bed with him.

 

You are taking this to the extreme.

 

MOST men have sexual thoughts about other women. This doesn't mean he doesn't love you, he does...It's just men are loaded up with sex 24/7 in their brains and it's just a fact. Some keep it private (probably like your boyfriend because he knows it will hurt your feelings that he finds some other ladies attractive. AGAIN, this isn't about you, it's just how the male brain works) and some advertise it, which in turn IS disrespectful to the one you're with. Not too many men that I know TELL their partners what the think about while jerking off or while making love. Same goes for my women friends.

 

You'll never know if he is, or isn't thinking of someone else while he's with you, so you just gotta trust that he isn't. And if he is, he ain't gonna tell ya. Sorry, but it's that plain and simple.

[Jersey Shortie]

The paradox is that the insecurity prevents you from having the kind of sexual personality that men enjoy. If you refused to be inhibited by your feelings that you aren't good enough and allowed your inner sex kitten to shine, you'd turn into the women whose ATTITUDES men dream about.

 

As true as that is, men's need to put other women, women who could care less about them, on a pedestal of beauty over their SOs, is a self-fullfilling prophecy. Knowing my man looks at porn does not make me feel like I can be open to him or that I can share with him the way he desires.

 

If he really wants me to be more open with him sexually and adventurous and feel secure in the relationship, then he needs to create the enviroment that I feel open enough to do this in. As well as I do. But I don't see alot of men overly concerned with this because they are too busy defending porn.

 

Maybe more men would get the kind of sex lives they wished they had if they but their women first and not porn. But all too often what men put first is themselves and porn. If men put their women first, men actually might get more attention to their sexual needs.

 

 

... why is the idea of your man whacking it on occasion to some some porn star such a threat and deal-killer to many women here?

 

Why shouldn't your man's need to seek out other women and think about them not be a threat? Other women that men say themselves about how much hotter they are then what they have at home. Sometimes I think it is men's purpose to make women feel like crap about themselves. Must make men feel good or they wouldn't be so eager to do it.

 

Because it shows his real taste in women (mostly: half his age and with perfect bodies)

If/when he can choose, that’s what he is choosing.

The message it sends is that he just settles for me because of my other qualities, but would rather be with someone better looking. I want to be very special to him, and in this way he makes me feel like I’m just one of many women he desires, furthermore, some are more desirable than me b/c they look better. I personally don’t respect those porn women, to say the least, and I can’t help but find his looking degrading, not only to me, but also to him and to our relationship as well. It looks like an ongoing and important part of our relationship is him resisting the temptation from other women (must be hard!)

 

Exactly. Ask again why men wonder why women question their place in their man's life and become insecure about it. Could it be that men don't put alot of effort into their women because they are too busy wanking it to other women.

 

can remember one incident in which we were at a mall and my boyfriend spotted a very hot chick. I noticed too, I can appreciate another woman's beauty without it being a threat at all and without me pointing out all the things that are fake about her. I leaned over and whispered in his ear "She's hot isn't she, look at the curve of her breasts and how her midriff is showing, how soft her skin looks, etc", my boyfriend loves that about me. I also get to look at other men and my boyfriend will notice it but does not get mad at all. We feed into each other. I love that openess.

 

Of course he loves that about you. He doesn't have to put any effort into being loyal. And you encourage him to seek out other women. Any guy would love that. They don't have to respect or care about you. They can just enjoy having one woman and all the benefits of seeking out other women still.

 

 

CA is right though, men will feel stifled as will women.

 

Porn makes me feel stiffled and like I can't have the type or relationship I wish to have with him. I can't be open with him or as sexual because it will never be good enough for him. Why even try. Let him jerk off to the porn. Him and many men here are letting me know how important it is to them.

 

....no offense but I just don't think you'll readily find one and if one tells you that he is it's to save his own personal feelings and peace. I would lie to you too and tell you I only thought about you to spare your feelings and to avoid any conflict.

 

You say in one part of your paragraph that you love how open you are with each other. But apparently your idea of what being open means that women should only be as open about themselves and what bothers them as long as it doesn't make a man too upset. How is that fair and "open"? You say you and your boyfriend are open about finding other people attractive, yet you are guilting people into feeling bad about sharing their feelings of being hurt by their man's porn use by saying it would cause you to lie. NO. YOU would lie because you were dishonest. Not because someone else "forced" you to lie because you coudl't handle the hurt you inflicted on them with your behavior.

 

 

So once again I'll boil it down to INSECURITY.

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Why shouldn't women feel insecure about it? Why not? Their man is seeking out other women whenever you got your back turned or not. They might even be thinking about other women when they are with you. Why do men even bother having relaltionships?????

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Just because a man thinks of someone else while jerking off doesn't mean he wants to GO bang them and let it happen in real life.

 

Ummm, hello. That is exactly what it means or else he wouldn't be turned on by them. And telling yourself anything else is just lying to yourself to make you feel better about what your boyfriend desires.

[rainfall]

You are taking this to the extreme.

 

MOST men have sexual thoughts about other women. This doesn't mean he doesn't love you, he does...It's just men are loaded up with sex 24/7 in their brains and it's just a fact. Some keep it private (probably like your boyfriend because he knows it will hurt your feelings that he finds some other ladies attractive. AGAIN, this isn't about you, it's just how the male brain works) and some advertise it, which in turn IS disrespectful to the one you're with. Not too many men that I know TELL their partners what the think about while jerking off or while making love. Same goes for my women friends.

 

You'll never know if he is, or isn't thinking of someone else while he's with you, so you just gotta trust that he isn't. And if he is, he ain't gonna tell ya. Sorry, but it's that plain and simple.

 

Well if I decide to believe what you are saying then I will either have to choose to be alone and miserable or be miserable with someone who wants to sleep with every hot chick he sees. Why is it so hard to believe that love actually exists and someone can be happy with only one person?

 

Are humans really THAT shallow that all they care about now is looks?

Don't give me the biology crap as an excuse. I don't buy it. It is just an excuse used by men so they can think about sleeping with other women.

If he is thinking about someone esle while sleeping with his partner then I'm sorry it is not "making love." There would be no love involved. It would be a man using a women as a hole to get off to someone he wishes he could be with.

[michelangelo]

It is stunning how some people who do not understand the male mind set make hyperbolic statements about how it must be for men and what that must mean towards the woman in their life. Stringing together a chain of opinions about male sexuality that feed one's anger does not make that chain of opinions true. Nor does it validate the resultant anger.

 

A better stance would be to explore the possibility that one's suppositions are not based on the full understanding which one may believe they've acquired regarding the subject. One may still react with anger, but let it be based upon what is, not on what one has linked together without pause.

[IpAncA]

Its downright unfair for me to want him to love me? Well according to yuo people I guess I would have to accept that my man doesn't find me attractive because he HAS to think about other chicks. I am not upset with him thinking another chick is attractive. What I am against is him thinking about that attractive chick naked in bed with him.

 

Rainfall have you even talked with him about this? Does he know how you feel about this or are you assuming.

 

Just trying to figure out why you think that he doesn't find you attractive besides the point of him looking at porn.

[whichwayisup]

Well if I decide to believe what you are saying then I will either have to choose to be alone and miserable or be miserable with someone who wants to sleep with every hot chick he sees. Why is it so hard to believe that love actually exists and someone can be happy with only one person?

 

Are humans really THAT shallow that all they care about now is looks?

Don't give me the biology crap as an excuse. I don't buy it. It is just an excuse used by men so they can think about sleeping with other women.

If he is thinking about someone esle while sleeping with his partner then I'm sorry it is not "making love." There would be no love involved. It would be a man using a women as a hole to get off to someone he wishes he could be with.

 

Again, you are taking it to the extreme...Re-read my other post again. It may or may not happen EVERY time a woman/man has sex, it could just be once in a while...To be honest I guess I don't give it much thought, or even think of asking my H what he thinks about when we have sex. I know he's into me as much as I'm into him so thoughts don't creep into my head about what he is thinking about..I'm more focussed on what we're doing.

 

You're putting your own spin on things, which is fine because you're only seeing this ONE way. No gray area.

[WhisperingWillow]

[quote=Jersey Shortie;1037954

Of course he loves that about you. He doesn't have to put any effort into being loyal. And you encourage him to seek out other women. Any guy would love that. They don't have to respect or care about you. They can just enjoy having one woman and all the benefits of seeking out other women still."

 

 

 

 

You are so barking up the wrong tree with that statement. Don't presume that you know everything about my relationship. Or what happens in it. My boyfriend is absolutely loyal. Absolutely. I am not some mind police or a woman that feels porn is a threat and that is what this is all about. You and Carbine act like you guys are up on some high horse because some of us don't agree with you and you guys are seriously catty. That's what ruins it for a lot of us that have no problem with it. I say cat on sister. Whatever makes you feel good!

 

As for me, I'll continue doing what I'm doing because I know exactly what happens in my relationship and I know exactly that I'm secure and that I feel fine with it and that it works out for me. So throw them stones sister. You aren't making anyone feel bad or hateful here except yourself.

 

Now rainfall if you haven't spoken to your SO I would suggest doing so. What I practice or what anyone else practice on here is not for everyone. At all. So what we may be ok with not everyone will.

[rainfall]

Again, you are taking it to the extreme...Re-read my other post again. It may or may not happen EVERY time a woman/man has sex, it could just be once in a while...To be honest I guess I don't give it much thought, or even think of asking my H what he thinks about when we have sex. I know he's into me as much as I'm into him so thoughts don't creep into my head about what he is thinking about..I'm more focussed on what we're doing.

 

You're putting your own spin on things, which is fine because you're only seeing this ONE way. No gray area.

 

Well because in my opinon there is no grey area. If a man thinks about another women anytime when having sex with his SO then he doesn't love her. Since you don't give it much thought I have a question for you.

 

Would you really be ok knowing the great sex you had last night was because your husband was pretending you were someone esle?

[whichwayisup]

Ummm, hello. That is exactly what it means or else he wouldn't be turned on by them. And telling yourself anything else is just lying to yourself to make you feel better about what your boyfriend desires.

 

If you say so. But I think I know my own husband pretty well.

 

MEN just get turned on by other women and it has nothing to do with love or being in a relationship. Yeah they can control their thoughts and distract themselves...But rarely would a man NOT notice a hot woman with large breasts and NOT think for a sec HMMMMMM...For those 5 seconds he may be thinking of her, SO WHAT? I ain't gonna react or tell him NO DO NOT LOOK AT HER OR REPLAY HER BOUNCING BOOBS IN YOUR HEAD WHILE WE HAVE SEX LATER...If he does, he does, if he doesn't, he doesn't.

[whichwayisup]

Well because in my opinon there is no grey area. If a man thinks about another women anytime when having sex with his SO then he doesn't love her. Since you don't give it much thought I have a question for you.

 

Would you really be ok knowing the great sex you had last night was because your husband was pretending you were someone esle?

 

Good question and yeah IF I KNEW he was, ofcourse it would bug me. But, he isn't as far as I know. It's not something I ask when making love. I don't ask him what he thinks about when he's masterbating either.

 

I understand your pain IF your boyfriend TELLS you he's thinking of others while having sex with you, if he is, that's pretty crappy thing to admit...

[michelangelo]

how would it be for a guy who knows his lady believes he is thinking of other women while he is trying to make love to her. He sees it in her eyes.

 

Especially since he knows she believes this because, well, she believes this. Based on what? That he jerks off to porn.

 

being a guy, he can't convince her of the error in her thought processes.

 

Why? Because he doesn't want to criticize her and she'll twist what he says anyway because of her insecurity.

 

Sure would be a distraction. And if he shuts his eyes to concentrate on how nice it is with her? Ah ha! He's thinking of the porn ladies for sure.

[IpAncA]

You know page back I did mention that I knew someone who thinks similar to you Rainfall and to be honest she tells me that he finds no one else attractive. Even if there is a really good looking guy or some guy on tv, she will say that he's not good looking and it boggles my mind.

 

I can't understand it myself because if she wasn't with her H then she would say it but I think she actually believes it.

 

Now if my H said to me that he was thinking of someone else during sex that would really hurt me. Is he? Don't know don't ask. I don't let that kind of stuff creep up in my mind. That would drive me nuts and would make me self consious and paranoid in some ways.

[WhisperingWillow]

I wouldn't try to convince JS about your status with your hubby. It seems she is on all of the porn topic posts touting things. It's impossible for people like that to see any gray area.

 

Raifall if your SO is truly thinking of someone else while making love to you and has told you that then that is indeed crappy. I would have to agree with WWIU on that one. For that there is no excuse.

 

I have had enough of this thread. Porn is a moot topic because it isn't GOING AWAY PEOPLE! You can rant, rave, bitch, piss and moan. Throw your temper tantrums, throw sticks and stones, but the simple fact is it's a multi million dollar business that is not going to go away. It also isn't going to pity you, it's not for everyone. If you have a problem with porn then fine that's your choice but it does not give you the right to beat someone else down that has no problem with it. Period!

[CarolAnne]

If you say so. But I think I know my own husband pretty well.

 

MEN just get turned on by other women and it has nothing to do with love or being in a relationship. Yeah they can control their thoughts and distract themselves...But rarely would a man NOT notice a hot woman with large breasts and NOT think for a sec HMMMMMM...For those 5 seconds he may be thinking of her, SO WHAT? I ain't gonna react or tell him NO DO NOT LOOK AT HER OR REPLAY HER BOUNCING BOOBS IN YOUR HEAD WHILE WE HAVE SEX LATER...If he does, he does, if he doesn't, he doesn't.

 

 

Well because in my opinon there is no grey area. If a man thinks about another women anytime when having sex with his SO then he doesn't love her.

 

I hope the porn and anti-porn people realize they are speaking to brick walls here.

 

I'm definitely in the camp with WWIU and Willow... so what if he thinks of someone else for a moment??? He's not negatively comparing you to her and mentally ticking off all the reasons why the girl on TV is better than you! Is that what you think?

 

the most telling statement though is the 'if he think of someone else while having sex = he doesn't love me' I think that is the clearest line I've read between the two points of view. Some people believe this, others don't. And if you do, I can see how porn is a total betrayal, and if you don't, then porn just isn't a big deal.

[whichwayisup]

I agree with ya CarolAnne.

 

Obviously though if a man or a woman is watching ALOT of porn, I can see how it would make the other person feel. Can't help that, it's only natural... But, with that being said, if it's not affecting ones sex life and things are great otherwise, then you just deal with it and not make an issue out of it.

 

What about those with spouses with high sexdrives? There's an example of porn use and some masterbation. If my husband wanted sex 3 times a day weekly, I think after a while I'd be turning ON the computer and finding a porn site for him to look at just to get him off my back! Luckily I don't have that problem...

 

Here's some honesty. In the past when I had some of my worst anxiety, I had barely had any sexual feeling. Due to the anxiety and just generally feeling blah, my husband was very understanding. I knew during that time he became a chronic masterbator! We didn't talk about it, but I found crunchy kleenex's in the garbage basket in our room. I made a comment about it and he laughed. NO big deal.

 

I remember one night I wanted to have sex, but I wasn't really hot and horny. I just felt like feeling intimate with him. We fooled around, it felt good but I wasn't really TURNED ON...I knew he really wanted to screw so, I closed my eyes and fantasized abit just to get myself going. Once I was wet enough the sex was great!

 

SO - Rainfall - DO I tell him what I thought of for afew minutes to get myself really wet, or do I keep it to myself? DO you think what I did was wrong? If so, why?

[Mr. Lucky]

Well if I decide to believe what you are saying then I will either have to choose to be alone and miserable or be miserable with someone who wants to sleep with every hot chick he sees. Why is it so hard to believe that love actually exists and someone can be happy with only one person?

Would you believe, Rainfall, that both of those things could be true? That love does exist for me, that I truly love my wife, and yet some reptile portion of my brain stem makes me consider "every hot chick I see" ? Welcome to the dichotomy of man (Well, "men" actually )

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mr. Lucky]

the most telling statement though is the 'if he think of someone else while having sex = he doesn't love me' I think that is the clearest line I've read between the two points of view. Some people believe this, others don't. And if you do, I can see how porn is a total betrayal, and if you don't, then porn just isn't a big deal.

Very true !!!

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mr. Lucky]

finding a porn site for him to look at just to get him off my back!

Tell him to try flipping you over - you'll both be happier

 

Mr. Lucky

[whichwayisup]

Tell him to try flipping you over - you'll both be happier

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Really eh.

 

Ah well, things are completely back to normal in the sex department, so I'm happy.

[rainfall]

Would you believe, Rainfall, that both of those things could be true? That love does exist for me, that I truly love my wife, and yet some reptile portion of my brain stem makes me consider "every hot chick I see" ? Welcome to the dichotomy of man (Well, "men" actually )

 

Mr. Lucky

 

No sorry. I do not believe that if you love someone you will consider "every hot chick you see." I just don't see there to be any love there.

[michelangelo]

So a man can't love his wife and when a pretty girl walks by react for a moment to consider her beauty and NOT act on that moment of interest?

 

What is the basis of your belief?

 

Tell me how you profess to understand men and how they love and believe as you do?

 

As a man, I'm curious.

[rainfall]

So a man can't love his wife and when a pretty girl walks by react for a moment to consider her beauty and NOT act on that moment of interest?

 

What is the basis of your belief?

 

Tell me how you profess to understand men and how they love and believe as you do?

 

As a man, I'm curious.

 

There is a BIG difference between finding someone attractive and having a fantasy about them. At least in my mind there is. It is the fantasy part I am against.

 

If a man is thinking about sleeping with someone esle his SO isn't enough for him. Otherwise he would be happy with her and only her. He wouldn't need to have fantasies.

[rainfall]

!

 

SO - Rainfall - DO I tell him what I thought of for afew minutes to get myself really wet, or do I keep it to myself? DO you think what I did was wrong? If so, why?

 

Yeah I feel it is wrong that you had to think of something esle besides your SO to get turned on. It just seems so wrong to me that anyone would have to think about being with someone esle in order to "settle" for the person they are stuck with. (not that you feel you are settling..... just it kinda seem wrong that the person you are in love with can't turn you on)

[michelangelo]

Appreciating the beauty of a woman passing by is about sexual interest, it is not like appreciating a pretty sunset.

 

How many seconds is ok before it isn't ok?

[rainfall]

Appreciating the beauty of a woman passing by is about sexual interest, it is not like appreciating a pretty sunset.

 

How many seconds is ok before it isn't ok?

 

 

So I guess all men really are just shallow jerks then. I know alot people (women) who can think a man is attractive but have NO DESIRE to sleep with him. Not everyone is a walking sex crazed freak who wants to sleep with anything and everything they find half way attractive.

 

If that is true men wonder why women think they are all jerks who only care about sex.