Men-honest:questionaire Re: Porn

[Horse]

I was just wondering this for some of you guys or maybe all of you. Would you look at porn less if you were getting what you wanted sexually from your SO.

 

If things were the way you wanted it would be more likely to look at it less because I'm noticeing that some of you are going more towards it because your not getting what you want from you wife?

 

I would do it less, because there would be less of a need.

 

Right now my wife is 8 months pregnant. I don't expect her to do anything, so lately I have been doing it more than ever.

 

I probably wouldn't stop completely, because I like doing it and she doesn't have a problem with it.

 

Like somone else said, I think she prefers that I do it myself than finding someone else to do it, or harrass her when she doesn't want to.

[rble618740]

Couldn't many of the reasons used to justify porn be used to justify an affair?

 

1. It didn't mean anything, I still love you I was just releasing sexual tension.

2. You haven't given me sex in X period of time so I had to get it somewhere.

3. This is more about your insecurities and jealousy.

 

I realize they're different and I'm not putting them on the same level, that would be unreasonable in my mind. I'm simply noting the similarities.

[rtHawk]

ust a thought:

 

... Aren't you doing the same thing if you are basically saying "I don't care if other people fantasize about different people/situations. I don't do it, so it not OK for my guy to do it..."

 

It seems like you feel like other people are asking you to accept something that seems normal to them, but hurtful to you, but you are asking your guy to give up something that seems normal and pleasurable to him.QUOTE]

 

it is possible on a more subconscious level that is what I may be doing but not likely...

1. I am NOT in a relationship with everyone else : I am in a relationship with him

2. It is on a personal level hurtful to me, but as a woman who has worked in women's health for a long time, I have personally seen the devastation porn/SO/disrespect and therefore lowered self esteem has brought about; so it is not just a personal concern, but one as a woman I just can't ignore and do understand how many women it does have a negative effect on.

3. In my relationship, if my guy let me know that a behaviour of mine, was hurting his ego, his masculinity or sense of confidence etc etc etc; regardless of my "need" and or my wants or pleasure, I would do all I could to not inflict that upon him

4. I am not asking him to stop; I am trying my damnest to understand, respect and tolerate something that is not good for my psyche..

I am asking for there to be some return to a balance/compromise ( he used to watch our home-made love making videos) but has notlately and seems resistant to making new ones)

If I Knew there was at least a middle ground, I could find some source of reassurance and peace with this....

[rtHawk]

Couldn't many of the reasons used to justify porn be used to justify an affair?

 

1. It didn't mean anything, I still love you I was just releasing sexual tension.

2. You haven't given me sex in X period of time so I had to get it somewhere.

3. This is more about your insecurities and jealousy.

 

I realize they're different and I'm not putting them on the same level, that would be unreasonable in my mind. I'm simply noting the similarities.

 

rble--you have made some and asked some really good ? and comments and I think that you see the similarity because for many women, they view their SO's porn use as a type of infidelity.

[Horse]

Women fantasizing about the perfect man and the perfect relationship: is probably a fantasy created in her mind and probably not one she masturbates to..just a fleeting thought that has no physical connection and simultaneous endorphin release that can make that a more frequent and sought out avenue of escape...

and does it threaten your masculinity????maybe it doesn't maybe it does???

 

and I too love that my MAN is a man, don't get me wrong. I love his hairy chest and strong arms and his athletisism; the way he yells at the tv when his team is playing and the way he holds my hand to help me as we scale a steep mountain hike so I don't slip at the wrong spots.. He is a MAN in all sense of what I appreciate about a man, but

PORN does not a man make!!!!

or does it???? odd for me to ask this crazy ?? because I absolutley abhor the men do because of their biological design.

Yet, I am left asking myself is it really still that deeply rooted in the gender to be a MAN? a man needs to procreate and will do so with as many as possible to assign his masculinity ( speaking on a very basic scientific level and in understanding the animal kingdom and it's behaviour)

 

so is it really still a part of that on a very innate level????

 

Yes. If I try to go without sex or some substitute. I get irritable, depressed etc. I notice other women more, my mind wanders and I tend to have a more negative view of my relationship.

 

I can try to think happy thoughts all day if I want, but it can only help a little.

 

If i have sex. I almost instantly feel more relaxed, connected and happy. Its weird.

 

re: "I absolutley abhor the men do because of their biological design."

 

It's not easy for us either. Imagine being in a state of almost constant frustration. Then having people call you a pig for even expressing your desire to relieve that frustration.

 

Guys give money to and do all kinds of stupid things for women mostly because we are slaves to our sex drives. It would be easier for us if we were able to be as uninterested in it as most women seem to be.

 

 

aside the obvious need for masturbation/release--what or how is that different in that you still need it even with enough action????

 

is it for ease of quick release /time?

is it for having the ability to feel as though your are with another woman?

is it for getting ideas?

 

curious.... and maybe curiousity kills the cat, but still trying to better understand!

 

It's not as much fun, but it's never bad.

My hand never rejects me.

It can be quicker or take longer.

 

For me porn is mostly about getting ideas. The situations etc. inspire a fantasy.

 

It's not really about being with a different person. It's more about imagining being with someone who is eager to have sex and willing to do different things. It's easier to imagine an anonymous person doing this than it is to imagine my wife doing it.

 

It's easier and it's only about me. I don't have to think about trying to read her reactions and try to figure out if what I am doing works for her. I only have to do what works for me.

[norajane]

Also... Women tend to fantasize about romantic things, like what it would be like to be married to that hot guy... to have a family with him... what their kids would look like... etc...

 

Er, women might daydream about romantic things, but they fantasize about sex and f*cking. Not the same thing at all! I don't think any woman has ever gotten off while masturbating to a marriage daydream.

 

If you want to get clued in to the dirty world of what women fantasize about during masturbation or sex, read "Women on Top" by Nancy Friday. It will open your eyes to the sexual nature of women - it sounds like you might be surprised to discover many women are just as raunchy as men in fantasy.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think that you see the similarity because for many women, they view their SO's porn use as a type of infidelity.

And not just porn use, but masturbation and non-patner based sexual fantasies are perceived as affonts to their core femine persona. And because of that, to ensure my partner's femininity, I have to deny my masculinity?

 

As a man, how happy would I be in that relationship?

 

Mr. Lucky

[rtHawk]

re: "I absolutley abhor the men do because of their biological design."

 

It's not easy for us either. Imagine being in a state of almost constant frustration. Then having people call you a pig for even expressing your desire to relieve that frustration.

 

Guys give money to and do all kinds of stupid things for women mostly because we are slaves to our sex drives. It would be easier for us if we were able to be as uninterested in it as most women seem to be.

 

oh geez I realized that I made a terrrible typo; I did not mean to offend at all.....

I was trying to write that I do not like the idea and excuse that is easily writen off as it is because of just a biological need.

 

and, I can't imagine what it is like to be a man and feel those feelings and in some ways, it seems, have them control you.

 

I get the part about feeling relaxed and all; when I have been with my guy and we have been all wrapped up in the love and the sex, I feel alot "lighter" so to speak--

endorphins and for me, love too.

 

My hand never rejects me.

 

for me this is not a topic I find to be humorous but you made me really laugh with this one.....

 

more importantly--I am glad at least for my guys sake, I never turn down, am always ready willing and able, and actually, sometimes, he asks for mercy:love:

[Horse]

Couldn't many of the reasons used to justify porn be used to justify an affair?

 

1. It didn't mean anything, I still love you I was just releasing sexual tension.

2. You haven't given me sex in X period of time so I had to get it somewhere.

3. This is more about your insecurities and jealousy.

 

I realize they're different and I'm not putting them on the same level, that would be unreasonable in my mind. I'm simply noting the similarities.

 

Naturally! If someones needs aren't being met, it can lead to all kinds of things, including conflict and most likely divorce.

 

Many men have affairs for this very reason. Just as many women cheat because their husbands would rather watch football than talk to them.

 

For me masturbation is a way of taking care of my needs myself, so I don't feel tempted to do something that would harm my relationship. Cheating is about more than relieveing tension. It involves a relationship (however superficial) with another person that is a potential threat to the relationship.

 

and...You can't get AIDS from your own hand.

 

Sometimes insecurity and jealousy are justafied. If your spouse is cheating, you should feel insecure and jealous. He could leave you. He could give you something etc. He may not feel like sharing any intimacy with you because all of his needs are being met elsewhere...

[Horse]

Er, women might daydream about romantic things, but they fantasize about sex and f*cking. Not the same thing at all! I don't think any woman has ever gotten off while masturbating to a marriage daydream.

 

If you want to get clued in to the dirty world of what women fantasize about during masturbation or sex, read "Women on Top" by Nancy Friday. It will open your eyes to the sexual nature of women - it sounds like you might be surprised to discover many women are just as raunchy as men in fantasy.

 

Sorry..

For me the only difference between day dreaming and fantasizing is the location of my hand.

 

Yes. Not all women are the same, and when they are single women seem to crave sex as much as men. I have read quite a few of those raunchy books. I borrowed them from (female) friends and girlfriends in the past... and i have had a lot of female friends, so I definitely know how raunchy women can be.

 

It just seems like somewhere along the line most of them seem to lose interest.

[rainfall]

I am sure you are NEVER going to find a guy who will not at some time, most likely times, fantasize about someone else. You might meet a guy who will tell you what you want to hear though.

 

Porn has nothing to do with it. You think guys didn't fantasize about banging hot girls other than their wives before the invention of the tv? They have been doing it since the beginning of time. It's hardwired in their DNA.

 

Well then I guess it is not possible for a man to really love someone then.

If what you are saying is true. All he is is a shallow jerk looking to find someone he can think about the next time he has sex with his SO.

Porn has EVERYTHING to do with how he feels about his SO and how much sex he gets from her. It is the case in at least alot of the reltionships I know about.

[CynicalP]

Sorry..

 

It just seems like somewhere along the line most of them seem to lose interest.

 

 

Usually somewhere around the second and third kid or somewhere around an extra 35 pounds which ever comes first (speaking in jest of course).

 

I have read my wife's collection of 'my secret garden' books, I think she has moved on to 'my burial plot' series where all sexual thoughts and fantasies have been replaced by thoughts of endless mundane tasks and chores that monopolize a woman's time and energy. Thank you Martha Stewart and better homes and gardens for robbing me of my sex life.

[Jersey Shortie]

Is the reality of what you have so awful that you need to escape from it into a fantasy about a woman that your woman can never measure up to?

 

rTHawk has made some wonderful comments about the way, I as a woman, also see porn. I hope the guys really pay attention to what she is saying because I bet alot of other women feel the same way.

 

Yes. If I try to go without sex or some substitute. I get irritable, depressed etc. I notice other women more, my mind wanders and I tend to have a more negative view of my relationship.

 

Then you might be able to understand what is being said here. I also get depressed, irrritable and feel less loving towards my SO or less inclined to have the desire to meet his needs knowing he is just as happy to masturbate to porn as he is to have sex with me.

 

 

If i have sex. I almost instantly feel more relaxed, connected and happy. Its weird.

 

 

I think the problem here is that porn makes many women feel disconnected from their SO and disconnected from their own femininity. It makes men feel good because they are pleasuring themselves to other women. But it makes women feel disconnected and dishearted because their man is opennly seeking out other women.

 

 

It's not easy for us either. Imagine being in a state of almost constant frustration. Then having people call you a pig for even expressing your desire to relieve that frustration.

 

It isn't easy for us either. Imagine being a woman who loves her man and does honestly want to please him. But no matter what she does, how hard she works at it, at the end of the day, he still wants his personal time with women in porn. Women who are usually very pretty in terms of what men wish women looked like who your woman can't complete with. Flaw less skin, perfect fake breasts, perfect hair.

 

Your woman wants to be your fantasy. I would think that would make guys happy, yet it seems like guys could care less that their woman would love to be their fantasy and pander to that.

 

Then imagined being told how insecure and silly you are for feeling threated by other women that your man is purposely going to look at to get turned on. Do you not see how that might cause certain negative feelings and questions about where you fit in your man's world?

 

 

Guys give money to and do all kinds of stupid things for women mostly because we are slaves to our sex drives. It would be easier for us if we were able to be as uninterested in it as most women seem to be.

 

Women aren't uninterested. Maybe they just gave up because they know they don't measure up ever in men's eyes.

 

 

My hand never rejects me.

 

True. Your hand will never reject you. But It often feels like rejection to know your man is seeking out other women. How else is it suppose to feel? You are, at least in that moment, rejecting what you have for the perfect fantasy you wished you had. No one wants to feel rejected, but thats how alot of women end up feeling when it comes to their man's desire for porn.

 

 

It's easier and it's only about me. I don't have to think about trying to read her reactions and try to figure out if what I am doing works for her. I only have to do what works for me.

 

Alot of things are easier to do when it's only strictly *you*. The point is, it isn't just about you anymore when you commit yourself to a relationship. There are things about my life that are way easier without a man in on them. But the good stuff out weighs it so I try to work at the other stuff. I wish men would try harder to do this as well.

 

 

Mr. Lucky:

And not just porn use, but masturbation and non-patner based sexual fantasies are perceived as affonts to their core femine persona. And because of that, to ensure my partner's femininity, I have to deny my masculinity?

 

As a man, how happy would I be in that relationship?

 

 

Is it not possible to feel like a man with your own woman? It sounds like you are willing to sacrifice your woman's feminity, because so much of what makes you feel like as a man is wrapped up in fantasy and women that would care less if you got hit by a bus tomorrow. Maybe that isn't fair but that is what it sounds like.

 

I think the message here is that porn panders to men. It makes men feel like men. Majority of porn isn't really about a woman's needs and it can harmfully take away from a woman's own feelings of personal beauty and feminity.

 

For me masturbation is a way of taking care of my needs myself, so I don't feel tempted to do something that would harm my relationship. Cheating is about more than relieveing tension. It involves a relationship (however superficial) with another person that is a potential threat to the relationship.

 

I really dislike this argument on why men use porn. It seems men are saying it is two options for women. Either honestly cheat, or just think about cheating. So you are either dishonest in mind and body, or just in the mind.

[CynicalP]

Well then I guess it is not possible for a man to really love someone then.

If what you are saying is true. All he is is a shallow jerk looking to find someone he can think about the next time he has sex with his SO.

Porn has EVERYTHING to do with how he feels about his SO and how much sex he gets from her. It is the case in at least alot of the reltionships I know about.

 

For me love and sex are not equally dependant on each other. I can love my parents without wanting sex with them. I can love my friends without wanting sex from them. I can also sexually lust after images without loving them. But of course I think you are talking about romantic love which I believe never truely exists and is sold to us by hollywood producers, romance novelists, and love straved pop musicians. If romantic love truely existed then people would not seem to fall in and out of it so easily. Romantic love wouldn't be something that is rationalized away or waver depending on your current hormonal state.

 

Prove to me that porn prevents me from loving my parents, my friends, or even my wife?

 

I 'm going to edit your sentence a bit according to how I interrupt some women's arguements: Porn has EVERYTHING to do with how she feels about herself and little about how much sex she offers her SO.

[IpAncA]

Usually somewhere around the second and third kid or somewhere around an extra 35 pounds which ever comes first (speaking in jest of course).

 

I have read my wife's collection of 'my secret garden' books, I think she has moved on to 'my burial plot' series where all sexual thoughts and fantasies have been replaced by thoughts of endless mundane tasks and chores that monopolize a woman's time and energy. Thank you Martha Stewart and better homes and gardens for robbing me of my sex life.

 

I'm noticing that among more and more couples that once the kids come or the appearance of their SO changes (usually worse) the sex life goes down.

 

Now why is that? Expect things to always stay the same? I'm sure you probably don't look the same when you got married or do you?

 

People never seem to look like they did in their wedding photos.

[tommyr]

I'm noticing that among more and more couples that once the kids come or the appearance of their SO changes (usually worse) the sex life goes down.

 

Now why is that? Expect things to always stay the same? I'm sure you probably don't look the same when you got married or do you?

 

People never seem to look like they did in their wedding photos.

 

The major change in my wife's appearance is very easily explained: she gained >35 pounds because she eats more calories than she burns. And it turns out my sexual attraction is negatively affected by this. It really is that simple, and I really have NOTHING to do with that. If I loved her more, sent her flowers more, massaged her back more, viewed less porn, earned more money, whatever... it all comes down to HER basic choices of food and exercise. And to a certain extent, her decision to stop working on appearance makes it easier for me to justify my porn.

[whichwayisup]

all comes down to HER basic choices of food and exercise.

 

But if you told her how much better she'd feel if she ate healthier, encouraged her to workout, not because she's getting FAT, but because you want to spend a long healthy life with her - That you need and love her (make her feel sexy and desired) then maybe, JUST maybe, she'll lose some weight.

 

Are you still sexually into your wife? DO you make her feel sexy? I understand the frustration of not having sex, or having a sex life that can be good and then not so good...But don't put all the blame on her, gotta do your part in making things right again, and if that means (white lying) to make her feel sexy and GREAT about herself, then do it. Trust me, the payoff for you will be worth it.

[rtHawk]

I think the problem here is that porn makes many women feel disconnected from their SO and disconnected from their own femininity. It makes men feel good because they are pleasuring themselves to other women. But it makes women feel disconnected and dishearted because their man is opennly seeking out other womenQUOTE]

 

If I may, to be PC; porn can leave one with those feelings but more importantly the action of seeking out another woman is what leaves some of us feeling disconnected and rejected. It isnt happening as an actual physical skin to skin connection that is being made but it is a mindful connection that is being acted on.

 

The reason this holds true isn't because we aren't women who despise the men we love, it is because we love our men and just want to be loved back with that same level of commitment--- love us and we love you back ten-fold.

 

I don't know how else to say it, but THERE ARE TONS OF WOMEN who are just downright hurting and struggling to find who we are or aren't in the eyes and the hearts of the men we share our lives with. Unfortunately their SO's porn use doesn't benefit the couple it only benefits the guy..

you say, at least he isn't cheating....

I then go bang my head against a concrete wall:(

 

Now why is that? Expect things to always stay the same? I'm sure you probably don't look the same when you got married or do you?

 

People never seem to look like they did in their wedding photos.

 

Ah so true, but in porn they remain 25, slender, attractive to the generic male standard and never ever ever grow old, tired, gray haired, or even get their period.

 

Ah but it is a fantasy!!!!!!

again I beat my head against the wall....

 

I can also sexually lust after images without loving them.QUOTE]

HALLELUIAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

romantic love and sex don't have to be connected for some, but it does for others,

and when it is, it is more the richer and satisfying then some old tissue and a dvd.

 

IMO, porn replaces the woman in your life, but when does the woman replace you from hers?

[IpAncA]

The major change in my wife's appearance is very easily explained: she gained >35 pounds because she eats more calories than she burns. And it turns out my sexual attraction is negatively affected by this. It really is that simple, and I really have NOTHING to do with that. If I loved her more, sent her flowers more, massaged her back more, viewed less porn, earned more money, whatever... it all comes down to HER basic choices of food and exercise. And to a certain extent, her decision to stop working on appearance makes it easier for me to justify my porn.

 

At least you didn't do what my father did. He goes "women lose some damn weight.":laugh: So now their both on that weight watchers diet and that has been working and it actually did help their relationship out. In fact it made it better because now they have the E to do things. Plus it helps that no kids are around but still the physical attraction came back on both ends.

 

I do hope you'll be able to tell her how you feel about all of this in counseling.

[norajane]

IMO, porn replaces the woman in your life, but when does the woman replace you from hers?

 

See, and I totally disagree - I can't even begin to imagine how you think porn women could possible replace the woman in a man's life!! I don't believe that porn women are capable of that in the least. And I can't understand how you'd even get to that conclusion. A real woman has so much more to offer.

 

Unless he's stopped having sex with you, or has limited it considerably in order to wank by himself to porn - in which case, he's a loser - porn is just a masturbation crutch.

 

I don't take porn personally. I consider it similar to my reading (or writing) an erotic story. If a man has to look at a picture or movie, at worst I feel a little sad for him because his imagination is so limited that he can't create the images and scenarios in his head that he needs to get off when he's masturbating.

[rainfall]

For me love and sex are not equally dependant on each other. I can love my parents without wanting sex with them. I can love my friends without wanting sex from them. I can also sexually lust after images without loving them. But of course I think you are talking about romantic love which I believe never truely exists and is sold to us by hollywood producers, romance novelists, and love straved pop musicians. If romantic love truely existed then people would not seem to fall in and out of it so easily. Romantic love wouldn't be something that is rationalized away or waver depending on your current hormonal state.

 

Prove to me that porn prevents me from loving my parents, my friends, or even my wife?

 

I 'm going to edit your sentence a bit according to how I interrupt some women's arguements: Porn has EVERYTHING to do with how she feels about herself and little about how much sex she offers her SO.

 

Yes I agree romantic loves hardly ever exists. If it did there would be no reason for a man to need porn. The person he was with would be the only one he needed.

 

Why should a women want to have sex with a man who chooses to look at porn. I know if my man looks at porn I feel unsexy and worthless. I have no desire to take my clothes off around him. I don't look bad at all but I am nothing compared to the fake plastic naked chicks.

[Horse]

Is the reality of what you have so awful that you need to escape from it into a fantasy about a woman that your woman can never measure up to?

 

Woah.. this one is long, so I will try to keep it brief.

 

My reality is actually pretty good. But, I get frustrated sometimes, and instead of complainging or pressuring her to have sex when she doesn't want to, I take matters into my own hand. She appreciates it, because I am being respectful of what she wants.. or doesn't.

 

rTHawk has made some wonderful comments about the way, I as a woman, also see porn. I hope the guys really pay attention to what she is saying because I bet alot of other women feel the same way.

 

I agree. I'm not trying to criticise rTHawk. I think what she is doing here is admirable and I am trying to help. I might challenge her a bit and present ideas that are contrary to what she feels/believes, but it is in an effort to help her understand.

Then you might be able to understand what is being said here. I also get depressed, irrritable and feel less loving towards my SO or less inclined to have the desire to meet his needs knowing he is just as happy to masturbate to porn as he is to have sex with me.

 

 

I think the problem here is that porn makes many women feel disconnected from their SO and disconnected from their own femininity. It makes men feel good because they are pleasuring themselves to other women. But it makes women feel disconnected and dishearted because their man is opennly seeking out other women.

 

It makes some women feel that way, which is not surprising because it is not made to appeal to women. Some women enjoy it. My wife is indifferent.

 

It isn't easy for us either. Imagine being a woman who loves her man and does honestly want to please him. But no matter what she does, how hard she works at it, at the end of the day, he still wants his personal time with women in porn. Women who are usually very pretty in terms of what men wish women looked like who your woman can't complete with. Flaw less skin, perfect fake breasts, perfect hair.

 

What if it wasn't porn? What if he just wanted some time alone to read or watch the game? Would you stilll feel rejected? How do you know what he wishes for? does he say "wow, I really wish you had fake boobs hair etc." Or are you imagining what he is thinking?

 

Again. I'm not trying to criticise anyone. Just trying to give you a different perspective.

 

 

Your woman wants to be your fantasy. I would think that would make guys happy, yet it seems like guys could care less that their woman would love to be their fantasy and pander to that.

 

Then imagined being told how insecure and silly you are for feeling threated by other women that your man is purposely going to look at to get turned on. Do you not see how that might cause certain negative feelings and questions about where you fit in your man's world?

 

Again you are assuming that you know what other people are thinking... and for the first few years it was true. she was interested in exploring new things with me. It was great! Now she usually has more important stuff to do.

 

Women aren't uninterested. Maybe they just gave up because they know they don't measure up ever in men's eyes.

 

How do you know what they are all thinking? have you been married for more than five years? I spoil my wife and know she feels loved and appreciated (well most of the time).

 

True. Your hand will never reject you. But It often feels like rejection to know your man is seeking out other women. How else is it suppose to feel? You are, at least in that moment, rejecting what you have for the perfect fantasy you wished you had. No one wants to feel rejected, but thats how alot of women end up feeling when it comes to their man's desire for porn.

 

I come on to my wife a lot more than I date my hand.

 

 

Alot of things are easier to do when it's only strictly *you*. The point is, it isn't just about you anymore when you commit yourself to a relationship. There are things about my life that are way easier without a man in on them. But the good stuff out weighs it so I try to work at the other stuff. I wish men would try harder to do this as well.

 

If I do something that doesn't bother my wife and makes me less irritable, then it helps our relationship. I work hard on my relationship too. We have good communication and a pretty good relationship. She just have much of a libido. She just doesn't think about it nearly as much as I do.

 

 

I think the message here is that porn panders to men. It makes men feel like men. Majority of porn isn't really about a woman's needs and it can harmfully take away from a woman's own feelings of personal beauty and feminity.

 

Should I be upset because Cosmo panders to women? Should I be hurt because my wife has a crush on Legolas from Lord of the Rings? Should I feel like less of a man because I don't look like Orlando Bloom. Or should I trust my wifes ability to distinguish reality from a picture?

 

I really dislike this argument on why men use porn. It seems men are saying it is two options for women. Either honestly cheat, or just think about cheating. So you are either dishonest in mind and body, or just in the mind.

 

If the two options are

1. Take care of your husbands needs

or

2. He will find some other way to take care of them (masturbation, cheating, divorce + a new wife, etc.).

 

then you are almost right. depending on the guy there could be two other possibilities.

 

3. You can watch you husband suffer through frustration, do everything he can think of to deny his emotional biological desire to have sex. While you remain indifferent, but happy that he is at least not beating off.

or

4. Maybe your husband doesn't have much of a libido, or is somehow able to subjugate it. There is no conflict, no frustration, so you both live a comfortable mostly platonic life.

 

I think #1 is the best choice, but I would choose #2 over 3 or 4.

 

In my relationship, this is pretty much a non issue. I'm not saying these things to make excuses. rTHawk is trying to understand why people would choose to look at porn. I'm trying explain my motivation and experience to help her understand.

 

To me it sounds like she is trying to figure out some compromise between her husbands wants and her own values or insecurities or whatever you want to label it. I think they will both have to compromise work on it.

[CarolAnne]

Yet, I am left asking myself is it really still that deeply rooted in the gender to be a MAN? a man needs to procreate and will do so with as many as possible to assign his masculinity ( speaking on a very basic scientific level and in understanding the animal kingdom and it's behaviour)

 

so is it really still a part of that on a very innate level????

 

I can try to understand that on an intellectual level, but emotionally--- I really want to be the one woman of my SO's desires and find it painfully difficult to try and reconcile that I am not

 

I hear what you are saying and I think you really hit the nail on the head here about the innate level of it.

 

The porn industry is a billion dollar industry in every language and culture, even where it is banned in some countries and punishable by law people still buy it on the black market.

 

It's not a learned behavior. No one sat down with these billions of people and taught them to use porn, or needed to persuade them to buy it. It is sought out by nature, even with parental controls and despite that very few stores are willing to sell it and the stigma and guilt from religion. And ancient porn from the time of the Egyptians, Greek and Roman empires in archeological digs.

 

http://solomonsrefuge.com/secret_room.htm

http://www.fanny-hill.net/pictures/ancient/sade11.jpg

 

That last one is from 1740. Not that the invention of the camera and movie camera "created" porn at all, it was just a new medium for something that has been around since the beginning of civilisation.

 

and now we have 3D porn which doesn't even have real people in it (nerdz!) As far as I'm concerned, it is hard-wired and trying to stop is pointless because you can't fight instinct, the same instinct that drove him to need you for an SO is not something that can be turned off like a light switch and you are guaranteed to lose that battle.

 

If i have sex. I almost instantly feel more relaxed, connected and happy. Its weird.

 

Guys give money to and do all kinds of stupid things for women mostly because we are slaves to our sex drives. It would be easier for us if we were able to be as uninterested in it as most women seem to be.

 

I don't think we as women can truly understand. For example my sex drive has never been so high that I would feel like I am losing control or need sex to change my depressed attitude after a few days without it. Not want, need it or else become irritable and actually change the entire way I view other people at work or strangers in the street.

 

Some guys feel so controlled and frustrated by this unstoppable, overwhelming need for sex they even castrate themselves physically or chemically. By choice. I would never consider removing my ovaries because that was preferable to the out of control, unstobbale horniness dominating my life. I can't understand how someone could feel this way. Apparently it is something the male gender must deal with to varying degrees. There was an episode on Dr. House where a guy wanted to be chemically castrated for a few months because he couldn't deal with the fact that his very hot mother in law would walk around the house in just her undies and the frustration and horror at the thought of losing control led him to that. Again that is something I don't comprehend.

 

Read through these forums it is truly enlightening. Also I'd like to know how many guys feel literally out of control because of sex. Not, oh sex would be nice today but really losing it without it.

 

http://www.eunuch.org/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=33

[whichwayisup]

Yes I agree romantic loves hardly ever exists. If it did there would be no reason for a man to need porn. The person he was with would be the only one he needed.

 

Why should a women want to have sex with a man who chooses to look at porn. I know if my man looks at porn I feel unsexy and worthless. I have no desire to take my clothes off around him. I don't look bad at all but I am nothing compared to the fake plastic naked chicks.

 

You're forgetting again that (most) men can separate love and sex.

 

DO you ever read romance novels? Just curious.

[rainfall]

You're forgetting again that (most) men can separate love and sex.

 

DO you ever read romance novels? Just curious.

 

No never. I find them to be very boring and fake.

 

Again if he wants to have sex with someone esle he doesn't love me. I don't care if he is separating love and sex. The fact is he wants to sleep with other women which means I do not satisfy him. Which means he does not care enough about me to only be happy with me.