Men-honest:questionaire Re: Porn

[WhisperingWillow]

I'm not pro-porn or anti-porn. Just to me it's no big deal. Once in a while I watch it and so does my husband but neither of us are "into" it or have a problem.

Maybe if he watched it alot and it started interferring with our sex life, then ofcourse I'd have issues with it but that's not the case.

 

I do know one thing, that if I felt the way Carbine did, and female porn stars made me feel insecure, not good enough or not beautiful enough, not good enough in bed, made me feel bad about ME, I WOULD NOT BE watching ANY porn at all! This is the part that makes me go huh? No gay porn, no straight porn.

 

OH and thanks GEL!

 

WWIU, you said exactly what I was trying to say. I am not anti porn nor pro either. In fact my SO hates traditional on screen porn. He says the same thing I do, it's just cheesey and stupid and really he thinks it's too hardcore. He does however like to look at tastefully done nude pictures of women. Now some might say what is so tasteful about playboy. I honestly do not think Playboy is hardcore. Hustler, Jugs, whatever are the hardcore mags in which we don't even want to look at. I'm not all bunged up about my SO looking at these photos. I am secure in how he feels about me, my body, and what's more is that I'm more than a face and a body. I have a great personality, and it would be pretty darn hard for him to match me with a Porn Star.

 

I don't get why anyone who is afraid of Porn would look at any porn at all. None. That's why I'm sitting here going, huh? It's a catch 22 and which is why I called her a walking talking contradiction. I am also not saying that you have to accept your SO watching porn if you are anything like Carbine and deeply hurt. I did say however that if your SO is using the porn as a mechanism of relieving himself because you're dwindling in the bedroom and you want him to give it up then you must be willing to meet his needs in some other way. That is what I did say. To me porn is no big deal. It's there, it's not going anywhere no matter how much you despise it or hate it and well let's face it, men aren't going to change. Period. If you want a man that isn't going to watch porn then I suggest putting it on your boyfriend application, ie talk, up front. If you find that he does indulge in porn and you don't like it then move onto the next guy that is right for you so you don't have to be hurt. Thats all. You only have to tolerate what's right for you. If you're tolerating what isn't right for you then you're the only one to blame, no one else.

[new_stella]

:ooops!

I'm sorry, wrong word

Pro- and anti- porn is not an issue, you are both right.

 

What I was thinknig about was this:

Now I use to be one of those women that would hate and I do mean hate porn and I wouldn't be with a man that watched it or that I found out that watched it. I would get rid of them the moment I found out. That has now changed. Chalk it up to maturing to the age of 31 or whatever you like. The reason I hated it and the reason I think most women do hate it is because their insecure.

I understand that you over your issues with porn, WW, and as I said, that was just an observation. I didn't mean to attack you any way.

 

 

 

I do know one thing, that if I felt the way Carbine did, and female porn stars made me feel insecure, not good enough or not beautiful enough, not good enough in bed, made me feel bad about ME, I WOULD NOT BE watching ANY porn at all! This is the part that makes me go huh? No gay porn, no straight porn.

Why?

If female stars made you feel insecure, why would that have any impact on watching other types of porn, such as gay porn? (providing, of course, that your partner doesn't have problem with that)

[StayClose]

OK, I'm a little late, but here it goes...

 

when you watch:

 

is it for the scripted sex?

Yes

 

is it for the porn girls?

Yes

 

do you think of your partner?

Sometimes

 

do you imagine you are with the porn girls?

Yes

 

do you feel badly if you know your partner doesn't care for the porn?

 

She's not totally against porn, as long as I don't do it all the time and I'm available for her when she wants me.

 

how do you view the porn chicks? is it their body parts or them as a whole

if body parts: is it T/A .. crotch shots?

 

I view them as whole people who enjoy sex and have with nice parts

 

if it is body parts.. what is most important?

 

Face, boobs, ass and legs. But's not just body parts I'm into. Sexual agressiveness is also important

 

do you know there are women going to plastic surgery for labioplasty? trimming the inner labia to be "porn perfect" so no labia shows from the outer ones because it is considered not as attractive? what do you think about that?

 

if you are with a woman who has been blessed with larger labia, does it bother you? do you wish she would have surgery so she could look like the porn girls?

how important is the "perfect pu$$y?"

 

do you know women are now having anal bleaching so they could have more pink anal areas to look more like porn chicks.??

what do you think of that??

 

I have never heard of man leaving a woman or turning town sex because her inner labia showed or her anus was the wrong color. I was not aware until reading your message that these were important to some people. If a woman feels she needs these procudures, it's because of her own insecurity. They are not necessary to attract men.

 

if body parts are important to you, after watching porn, do you feel you can see that this is not real and that "real women" don't look like that.??

 

Some real women do look like that. Many women in porn don't have cosmetic surgeries.

 

does it affect how you see your woman/partner?

do you think it could in the future?

 

It doesn't affect how I see my partner. For me the most important thing is that she's into the sex and that I am turning her on. How perky her breasts are isn't that important. IMO, nataural droopy boobs are better than obviously fake ones (the ones that look like skin stretched over an orange).

 

how important is intimacy to you??

Very important.

 

do you watch with your partner and get aroused ?--if so, do you feel it is unjust as you are getting aroused by looking at other nude-exposed-women and their intimate bodies??? but then go to your partner to satisfy your arousal?????

 

We don't typically view porn before sex, but I don't have a problem with it, especially if she's getting aroused by it too.

 

do you consider it unreasonable to be asked to stop watching?

if you were asked --because you know it is so hurtful to her, would you?

could you?

if not, why wouldn't you try?

 

Well I have been there. She asked me to stop it, and for a while I did. But she's entered a phase where she's not that interested in sex at all. She'll do it once or twice a month, but it's not very good because she's not into it. I don't think it's fair to feel that I'm not allowed to have a sexual thrill, or that I have to go weeks without climaxing untill she's willing to do a quicky with me.

 

I think men have an emotional need to interect sexually with a women and have a woman want them. Ideally, this would be a man's spouse. But not all womens' sex drives stay consistant throught their lives. So for me anyway, it's back to the porn to make up the difference. It's not as good as being with my wife when she's into it. But it's better than nothing, and sometimes better than trying to climax with a spouse who'd rather be out watching the TiVo.

[WhisperingWillow]

Oh no Stella I didn't think you were attacking me. No harm, no foul. However the last poster what he said about his wife wanting sex once or twice a month if he's lucky is exactly what I'm getting at. You can't sit there and honestly think that you'll neglect your SO and expect them to not have any relief or anything else.

 

It's all about his and her needs. They must be met.

 

As for the whole porn issue, it's a matter of what you or your SO wants.

[whichwayisup]

[quote=new_stella;1031952

 

Why?

If female stars made you feel insecure, why would that have any impact on watching other types of porn, such as gay porn? (providing, of course, that your partner doesn't have problem with that)

 

I have no issues nor insecurities, I never did...I was just making a comment on Carbine's situation.

[CynicalP]

I really want to point out to the ladies that the women in porn may been blessed with looks ( enhanced with the help of lighting, tons of makeup, and airbrushing ) but that's mostly it. None of them strike me as possessing any significant intelligence nor have any interesting personalites (party girl mentality gets old ). I think most men while may enjoy watching these ladies do there thing realize that they are far from the perfect catch. I find my wife very attractive despite the fact she doesnt have the 'porn star' looks. She is cute, very bright, extremely creative, and I enjoy listening to her views on life, kids and what not. I have no desire to ever replace her with a woman that possesses only good looks. My only real complaint is she is a mizer when it comes to sex. I would rather be sexing her up then cranking the ol chain to porn anyday.

 

Concerning looks, hollywood is populated with thousands of drop dead gorgeous women, most of whom can't find a man who will remain loyal to them for any significant length of time. How is that even possible considering that our society places high value on beauty and sex appeal. Men should be groveling at their beautifully groomed feet. But honestly they are not the 'beautiful' people they pretend to be and like you and me they are just human beings after all; complete with faults and insecurities as well. Once you wipe the makeup off and remove the favorable lighting they not the flawless goddess they are protrayed to be.

 

The morale I guess is play to your strengths minimize your weaknesses.

[Guest Dude X]

Well I banned myself from porn in highschool and that was over 10 yrs ago. I felt that I could become addicted to it and needed to stay away. I thought that I wanted to live the porn and not watch and others live the life I want for myself.

 

I grew up in a house full of women, 2 bigger sisters and and 2 younger ones, dad was a bit of a traveling minstrel and was gone alot living a sinful life.

 

I really got the idea that the females really lacked the sex drives, to be able to get with a woman was going to be hard work and I feared porn would drain my energy or resolve to acquire whatever reality could offer.

 

In porn I loved the girls their bodies and what they were doing, and these activities sometimes resonated with erotic dreams I had in my pre-orgasmic self, they resonated with what i wanted in my life. Yet at the same time i had heard my sisters maybe say something that illustrated to me that They at least would think I was a sicko for wanting to experience , like oral sex she said it was a gross things that dogs did!

 

I developed a distrust of my sex drive and always questioned it and wondered why I wanted to experience a woman swallowing my stuff and me hers. I had dreamt of these before I had seen any porn or had any sexual climaxes. Ultimately I gave up and just accepted the fact that I am a hory lust ball with no end in sight. And on top of it there would be a good chance I may not be able to get what I want sexually.

 

Life is complicated I have met and dated women who had the body figures dreams were made of, or wanted to perform for me the most sexually rewarding acts, but yet when we talked to each other and I got to know them more, I wanted nothing to do with them and the lack of compatability destroyed my lust for them.

Also competition with other men limits possibilities.

 

Lucky for me cause wifey hates porn for the most part, and she feels lucky to be with a guy who doesnt watch porn, but painful experiences still persist without porn, though she has some minimal interest in the old silverscreen productions like deddbie does dallas. Still yet our different views of sex by itself has caused grief, and has hurt her a bit, like the fact I could be attracted to and be willing to have sex with so many different women of different sizes shapes and colors, and women with crappy wardropes with no make up with curlers in the hair, hell bed head is sexy on that cute lady over there getting some groceries ealry in the morning, she is hot and i want her.

 

Like wise being exposed to her body and she not in the mood very often hurts me, she'll even tease me , bend over and ask me if her butt looks good, and I start to shake and froth at the mouth. and it hurts me that she says that she is attracted to me and still will feel lusty only so often, the fact she can say I'm attractive and not feel lusty at the same time drives me totally up the wall.

 

I have tried to help my wife by nolonger fantasizing or imagining females in the community naked or whatever when I meet them, I have stopped the internal porn reel or get graphic only with the wife but now when i meet them I am still flooded with a quickened heart beat and shortness of breath. Just encountering women out and about and my wife provides a strong narcotic feeling in me Problem is most of these ladies in the community won't give the time of day.

 

For me recprocation is what is special, I chose my wife because at the time she wanted my bod and could talk and hang out with me, we had lust and companionship. She says what I say does not make her feel the sex is special between us because I could do it with so many.

 

I think its so competitive and difficult to get to where you have sex with someone you like that a guy is going to be wired this way cause on hand about 95% of the women around me are totally off limites, they hate me, don't know me , or already dating.... just had a nasty break up, have a mental illness...whatever, we guys have such a huge desire for sex, and are confronted with so many obstacles to get it we have to have the radar on 24 hrs a day. This is not something I am happy with and do hope there is a jesus who can be held accountable for these painful discrepencies.

 

It does make me tired to constantly crave and not be fulfilled. Though I may be attracted to many the sex I have with my wife is special beause I cant go to the store and get it whenever I want. I cant show her that I'm like the desert waiting for the rains and when it comes I flourish with life, she wasn't like the others who blew me off in the gorcery store or in the hallways, or already was with someone.

 

And still I have never been able to count on my wife to satisfy my sex drive, even back in the day when she wanted more than once every 4-6 weeks, i still would masturbate. Now at being 32 yrs old My sexual energy has seemed to even grow since my highschool years. The porn is too much for me I am already overloaded with fully clothed women in public and on tv.

 

There is no stopping it, sometimes I wish it would go away, its like my beaches are being washed away with the relentless waves crashing on the shore forever and ever till nothing is left

[rtHawk]

Well I have been there. She asked me to stop it, and for a while I did. But she's entered a phase where she's not that interested in sex at all. She'll do it once or twice a month, but it's not very good because she's not into it. I don't think it's fair to feel that I'm not allowed to have a sexual thrill, or that I have to go weeks without climaxing untill she's willing to do a quicky with me.

 

as much as I don't appreciate porn, I can understand and appreciate that in these situations it is reasonable.

I do ask though, which came first, the chicken or the egg--or---porn or loss of sex drive.??

I only ask this because many women in response to their partner/SO's porn viewing respond with withdrawl. They find themselves less sexy, less appealing, less desirous and that in turn becomes a feeling of lack of interest to participate intimately with their SO because, "if that's what he wants and likes and I am nothing like that, then he can have that instead"(general feelings I have read, heard etc)

I wonder if the guys see that ever happening or recognize it when it is soon enough to stop the down ward spiral??????

 

Concerning looks, hollywood is populated with thousands of drop dead gorgeous women, most of whom can't find a man who will remain loyal to them for any significant length of time. How is that even possible considering that our society places high value on beauty and sex appeal. Men should be groveling at their beautifully groomed feet. But honestly they are not the 'beautiful' people they pretend to be and like you and me they are just human beings after all; complete with faults and insecurities as well. Once you wipe the makeup off and remove the favorable lighting they not the flawless goddess they are protrayed to be.

 

The morale I guess is play to your strengths minimize your weaknesses.

 

THANKS CYNICALP.... that was a really healthy and appreciated statement coming from a MAN! I do appreciate at least reading and getting a sense that there are men who do understand the idealized-unrealistic-unattainable-fantasy that porn portrays.

AND; I really appreciate the strengths vs weakness attitude. In part, I think some of what porn is for men is that it simply shows women wanting and doing sex with the same desire, appeal, enthusiasm and unreserved want that men have.

I actually have that type of desire with my SO and tho I'm not the best looking woman alive, I certainly do have some "hot" points and do have a great personality blah blah blah---so, I think it is a better idea to keep those above the things I dislike about myself--

 

thanks for a really encouraging post!

[tommyr]

as much as I don't appreciate porn, I can understand and appreciate that in these situations it is reasonable.

I do ask though, which came first, the chicken or the egg--or---porn or loss of sex drive.??

I only ask this because many women in response to their partner/SO's porn viewing respond with withdrawl. They find themselves less sexy, less appealing, less desirous and that in turn becomes a feeling of lack of interest to participate intimately with their SO because, "if that's what he wants and likes and I am nothing like that, then he can have that instead"(general feelings I have read, heard etc)

I wonder if the guys see that ever happening or recognize it when it is soon enough to stop the down ward spiral??????

 

I can assure you that my wife's loss of sex drive has NOTHING to do with my porn use. In fact, she is deeply RELIEVED that porn allows me satisfaction without bothering her and without my being unfaithful.

 

Once we decided that 2 kids are enough, she seems to have no interest in sex, no interest in me, not even interest in herself (appearance wise). Every bit of her energy goes towards our kids welfare. The perfect mom, to the exclusion of EVERYTHING else. We are starting marriage counseling soon, but its a shame because if she could just divert even 5% of her efforts my way (especially sex) or towards herself (appearance wise.. hasnt worn a skirt/dress in over a year) then we would be just fine.

 

No, porn doesn't harm a woman's sex drive, but KIDS sure do!

[CynicalP]

 

No, porn doesn't harm a woman's sex drive, but KIDS sure do!

 

 

Amen Brother! Children are a blessing and a curse. I was half entertaining the idea about getting a snip job and not telling the wife and then saying let's have another baby. Strangely, whenever babies are involved my wife sex drive kicks into full gear. Of course, this idea would backfire horribly on me and somehow I think I wouldn't enjoy her response upon discovering the truth.

 

 

I actually have that type of desire with my SO and tho I'm not the best looking woman alive, I certainly do have some "hot" points and do have a great personality blah blah blah---so, I think it is a better idea to keep those above the things I dislike about myself--

 

That's the philosphy I try to live by, I focus on my strengths and tend to overlook my flaws. My wife does a good job of reminding me of them from time to time. That is, if I start to become to big for my britches.

[rainfall]

[quote=tommyr;1033509

 

No, porn doesn't harm a woman's sex drive, but KIDS sure do!

 

I don't have kids but I have to disagree about the porn issue. When my bf was looking at porn I didn't want to have sex with him. I felt unattractive and nasty. I figured he would just think of one of the chicks in the porn and that is not really a turn on.

 

So I started working out and lost 30 or so pounds. Since them he has stoopped looking at porn and I actually enjoy sex because I am not made to feel worthless because I can't measure up to his fake plastic porn girls.

[CynicalP]

I don't have kids but I have to disagree about the porn issue. When my bf was looking at porn I didn't want to have sex with him. I felt unattractive and nasty. I figured he would just think of one of the chicks in the porn and that is not really a turn on.

 

So I started working out and lost 30 or so pounds. Since them he has stoopped looking at porn and I actually enjoy sex because I am not made to feel worthless because I can't measure up to his fake plastic porn girls.

 

Good job Rainfall! Instead of feeling sorry for yourself and hating your SO you made postive changes and armed with a little self esteem your now empowered your sex life. Self confidence is really sexy wouldnt you agree?

[Mr. Lucky]

I do ask though, which came first, the chicken or the egg--or---porn or loss of sex drive.??

I only ask this because many women in response to their partner/SO's porn viewing respond with withdrawl. They find themselves less sexy, less appealing, less desirous and that in turn becomes a feeling of lack of interest to participate intimately with their SO because, "if that's what he wants and likes and I am nothing like that, then he can have that instead"(general feelings I have read, heard etc)

I wonder if the guys see that ever happening or recognize it when it is soon enough to stop the down ward spiral??????

For many men here, the partner's loss of sex drive was what sent them to porn, oftentimes for simple, sexual relief. Trust me, the frustration over rejection and loss of intimacy is going to seek an outlet.

 

Mr. Lucky

[Dot_bot]

I'm very open with my sexuality and I've watched porn many times with my boyfriend..but he still goes to porn the same night we have very vivid sex, or after I pleasure him..I'm allowed to be a little upset at that right? We have sex at least 3-4 times in a week, and it's usually very passionate, why should he still need porn after me? and better yet, he always waits until I'm asleep. What the heck?

[new_stella]

No, porn doesn't harm a woman's sex drive, but KIDS sure do!

Not in my case.

My sex drive remained intact after 2 kids.

Porn almost destroyed it.

[Guest]

And once again, why does it have to be that the only resolve to this issue for some women who feel like Carbine that it is that only they should look into their own securities so they can become tolerant/comfortable/accepting/psuedo-societal swallow that giant horse pill because if its ok for some well then it must be okay for the rest.

 

If insecurity twists your perspective on life and on your own worth, is it really worth fighting to keep?

 

When have you seen so many post,s letters, request for help, women in tears, relationships suffering, women literally aching in their heart and in their deepest sense of themselves as women???

 

Because insecurity seems to have become an epidemic in the last 20 or so years with the focus on beauty and thinness that pop culture emphasizes. It's dysfunctional and needs to be addressed and dealt with.

 

Why do you suppose there are sooooo many scans to threads like this??

Why do you supppose there are even this many threads, blogs, sites, books, programs coming from women all asking the same question and all asking for some kind of way to understand, to cope, resume some sense of feminine self?

 

Because people, male and female alike, have lost any sense of the value of HUMAN BEINGS in and of themselves and have become shallow. And women, rather than shunning this stupidity and taking their own power, allow themselves to be cowed. You want to talk feminine self? The feminine self should be independent and should base its self-worth on its personality and character traits, not its body and face.

 

Carbine is not alone--- even if her level of acceptance and tolerance is individual, the premise stands similar to mine and thousands and thousands of women asking and wondering and doubting themselves as WOMEN and PARTNERS!

 

Simply because of their appearance. And you think this is good? You think this should be perpetuated? Do you not think women need to comprehend that they are appreciated for WHO they are and to work on being good people and not just mannequins?

 

...seems like telling the environmentalists that just becuase we see more cases of asthma everyday, it really is about the fact that we are incapable of handling the pollution, but it really has nothing to do with the increased levels of inhaled pollutants.

 

Asthma is a physical syndrome. Not curable. Insecurity is a mental construct that can be cured through therapy. I agree that the 'environment' requires changing, but it is the environment women have adopted; accepting the idea that their worth is found in their appearance. And that's why women need to reject not porn but the entire overemphasis on appearance that permeates every corner of pop culture.

 

The paradox is that the insecurity prevents you from having the kind of sexual personality that men enjoy. If you refused to be inhibited by your feelings that you aren't good enough and allowed your inner sex kitten to shine, you'd turn into the women whose ATTITUDES men dream about.

[new_stella]

Guest, I pretty much agree with what you said.

 

But you got me thinking:

 

Could it be that our sexual ‘withdrawal’ is some instinctive way of rebelling against the culture, the society and the environment we don’t like?

Think about it, if we do what you suggest, we would be just condoning the status quo, wouldn’t we?

Maybe that is our small, personal contribution to the overall change…

[Mr. Lucky]

Guest, I pretty much agree with what you said.

 

But you got me thinking:

 

Could it be that our sexual ‘withdrawal’ is some instinctive way of rebelling against the culture, the society and the environment we don’t like?

Think about it, if we do what you suggest, we would be just condoning the status quo, wouldn’t we?

Maybe that is our small, personal contribution to the overall change…

Stella:

 

I have a question for you and others. My wife masturbates. It is a part of our sex play together but also something she does alone when I'm traveling or otherwise unaxailable. Not once has it occurred to me to question or be threatened by what she might be looking at or thinking about while roaming "in the danger zone" (Cyndi Lauper ). Those personal and private fantasies, while a part of her overall sexuality, are hers and hers alone. They might involve George Clooney, our pool guy or some guy in a magazine or video. I don't know and don't care. Overall, our sex life, after some struggles, is good.

 

So me question is this - If a wife or GF's shared intimacy is satisfying, why would she care about her partner's separate fantasies? More bluntly, assuming a healthy marital sex life, why is the idea of your man whacking it on occasion to some some porn star such a threat and deal-killer to many women here?

 

Mr. Lucky

[pricillia]

I am really intrigued that women personalize porn so much...I don't really care as long as it doesn't affect the R...men like it because they're visual...right?...

 

As long as you're secure in yourself and your R, why is it so threatening?

 

yeah what she said...

[rainfall]

Stella:

 

So me question is this - If a wife or GF's shared intimacy is satisfying, why would she care about her partner's separate fantasies? More bluntly, assuming a healthy marital sex life, why is the idea of your man whacking it on occasion to some some porn star such a threat and deal-killer to many women here?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

The reason I care is I find it VERY hurtful that he has to think about having sex with someone esle. I do not have fantasies about George Clooney, Brad Pitt, or anyone esle besides my boyfriend.

 

I feel when you have to think about someone esle during you fantasies that you aren't with the right person. The idea of my man whacking to some pron star is hurtful because I feel he can just as easily whack off to me. If he chooses to use some porn star then he is choosing her over me and that is wrong.

[Mr. Lucky]

The reason I care is I find it VERY hurtful that he has to think about having sex with someone esle. I do not have fantasies about George Clooney, Brad Pitt, or anyone esle besides my boyfriend.

 

I feel when you have to think about someone esle during you fantasies that you aren't with the right person. The idea of my man whacking to some pron star is hurtful because I feel he can just as easily whack off to me. If he chooses to use some porn star then he is choosing her over me and that is wrong.

Rainfall, thanks for your answer. Do you feel that it is important to know what your partner's masturbation fantasies are? Am I ignorant or naive in not caring what she thinks during those private times?

 

Mr. Lucky

[tommyr]

The reason I care is I find it VERY hurtful that he has to think about having sex with someone esle. I do not have fantasies about George Clooney, Brad Pitt, or anyone esle besides my boyfriend.

 

I feel when you have to think about someone esle during you fantasies that you aren't with the right person. The idea of my man whacking to some pron star is hurtful because I feel he can just as easily whack off to me.

 

As a frequent porn user myself, I see 2 flaws in your logic:

1) I do NOT think about having sex with the porn stars. They are just pictures, images.

 

2) Unless your husband has nude pictures of you, then its really NOT just as easy to replace porn with you.

[Jersey Shortie]

This is a very difficult issue for me. I hate porn. I hate the way it treats women. I hate the fact that it doesn't seem to me that men care how it treats women. Or how men never seem to understand how it hurts the "real" woman in their life. I hate how I am told I am "just" being insecure while men defend porn with such phrases as:

 

"You can find some of the most beautiful women you've ever seen in the horniest of situations. "

"The way I see it, it's merely a safe way of living out fantasies of being with all types of women that turn you on who you otherwise couldn't be with in real life"

"It's just a fantasy"

"It isn't like I would really be able to have sex with a chick like that"

"MOST female porn stars are hot"

"no, its just entertainment from a safe distance"

"there is always a part of me that wishes I could have sex with them. It's the fantasy of having sex with the unobtainable unreal woman."

 

 

These are not statements that are encouraging to hear men say. Neither are the statements that make a woman feel secure in her man's life. Seriously guys, we can't do it on our own here. You tell us we are "just" being insecure. Have you ever asked yourself what is causing this insecurity and if, just maybe, some women do have a legitimate claim to it? You expect us to deal with a lot when it comes to porn and other women and it feels like we get very little help, compassion or understanding on the issue. It makes me feel like I am further then ever from having the type of loving relationship I wish I could have with a man. I love men but I just don't feel like men love, respect or appreciate what they have. Of course I am being insecure. Read those statements above and ask yourself why women get insecure again in a honest fashion.

 

I hate that people try to shame you and act like you shouldn't feel insecure when your man is actively seeking out other women. Of course women are insecure about this. We have the men in our lives who we love deeply telling us how much better women in pornos are but not to worry because even though they think these women are better they won't be having sex with them because they won't ever really get the chance too.

 

I am a pretty cute young woman but it doesn't seem to be enough. What seems to be enough for men is having a certain type of porno woman to fantasize about AND to have a girl at home too. I don't meet up to the porno woman he is fantasying about when I want to be his fantasy. I am told that how wonderful and beautiful those women are when every woman in this world wants to feel like the most beautiful woman to her man. Is that so bad? Evil? Wrong? Why do these women in the porno's get a title and position that not even the real woman in your life gets.

 

I am told that she, the porno girl, gets to be his ideal fantasy. Not me. Some random girl that wouldn't care if he got hit by a bus tomorrow gets to be the girl he wishes he could be with. Please ask me again why women get insecure.

 

I know these women are fake. He knows these women are fake. Yet he still places them on a pedestal. Why should I not be insecure about that? I know I am beautiful but apparently my beauty is not enough because it is the porno girls that gets put on his pedestal of a fantasy ideal. Not me. I am the reality he has to live with. And the fantasy is always better right? Ask me again why I am insecure.

 

I hate being told: "hey at least he isn't cheating on you." Our are opinions of men so low? are men's opinions of themselves so low? I hate that while I am in a relationship the man I am with is still sending out clear signals that he is seeking out other women and I am suppose to feel secure in our relationship with each other. Do men not understand the message that sends? Ask me again why I am insecure.

 

Why is it that whenever you aren't around, your guy is seeking out other women. Or even when you are around he is looking, acknowledging and seeking out other women still on some level. Ask me again why I am insecure.

 

Everything men do seems to be about replacing what they have with what is bigger, better, prettier, younger. Ask me again, why I am and millions of other women around the world question their place in their man's life. Question their attractiveness and their basic femininity. Question how they measure up. The truth is, real women, the women men are stuck with, don't measure up. That is what men think at least. I see proof of it all the time here on this very message board. So they seek out these fake women because that is their fantasy, what they wish they could have. And the real women, just have to live with it because they want to be loved but they will never be enough for a man so they have to settle for the small scraps he sends her way. And he continues to look at porn, and place these women in some form of a pedestal, and just keeps on taking what he can from the real women in his life.

 

No one tells you when you are a little girl that what men "really" desire are implanted airbrushed 20 year olds and that the man you love is only going to be masturbating to these women for the rest of your life. Ask me again why I am insecure.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

As for some things I wanted to comment on that people said:

 

 

The reason I hated it and the reason I think most women do hate it is because their insecure. I am now more secure than ever. I view it like this. We all feel we're entitled to a certain amount of whatever freedom hobbies we have. Some people take up cooking, some take up shopping for shoes, some take up kickboxing, you get the point. I think that if a man watches porn that is his way of releasing whatever pent up sexual frustration he has. As long as he's not harming the relationship with overdoing it, or not cheating, then I see it as no big deal.

 

I don't think cooking and kickboxing and shopping are comparable to a sexual activity like porn. People always say that as long as it isn't harming anything they don't understand the big deal. But there are lots of women here being harmed by it and men do not seem to care overly much about that.

 

 

I think it's unrealistic for women to think that once a man is in a relationship with her that she is the only woman he is suppose to lay eyes on and worship and all other women are invisible.

 

For myself, I know it isn't that I don't expect him to not look at other women ever. I expect him to not seek out other women ever when in a relationship. Whether it be in a shallow form like porn, or something deeper.

 

 

....that we tend to hurt ourselves more by making demands on men.

 

And I think men hurt women with their unreasonable demands in expecting women to feel good about their place in his life while he seeks a fantasy world of women that he puts on a pedestal of unattainable beauty, looks and fun. But no one seems too concerned about what hurts women.

 

Ladies you feel you have the right to shop and do whatever it is to make yourself pretty, what is wrong with a man's right to view a little porn.

 

What does shopping have to do with him looking a naked women????????????? Shopping is comparable to his golf game. Not porn. When I go shopping I am buying clothes. I am not buying men. When he is looking at naked women, yes, he is buying women.

 

 

 

"You can't make demands on your relationship with expecting some backlash, resentment, or harbored feelings of having to be secretive."

 

You are saying that the way women act makes men feel resentful, harbor feelings and be secretive. Well news flash. The way men act with porn makes me feel resentful, sad, harbor bitter feelings to men I wish I didn't have and be secretive. And it makes alot of other women feel the same way.

 

 

 

INSECURITIES--EVERYONE has at least one, both men and women. I feel very sad that women endure the greatest ones as they find themselves questioning their femininity,their sexuality, their worth and value and their sense of self as a sexual being

 

 

Well said. I really hope men read this again. I think men should think about what makes them feel like less of a man. And apply those feelings to what some of the women here are telling you porn makes them feel. The things that make you feel like less of a man, well sometimes for women, porn makes them feel like less of a valuable women in your life.

 

 

I think men have an emotional need to interect sexually with a women and have a woman want them. Ideally, this would be a man's spouse.

 

A perfect way to make a woman feel like not being close to you is to tell them that porn will feed this need that they could. You are saying porn is both an emotional and sexual outlet for men. Well, while that may be, women also need an emotional and sexual outlet. But if you are too busy giving it to girls who could care less about you, don't expect women to be too understanding about what your emotional and sexual needs are.

 

 

 

Trust me, the frustration over rejection and loss of intimacy is going to seek an outlet.

 

I feel frustrated, rejected and a loss of intimacy when men bring porn into the equation. So it seems both men and women do things that make the other feel these feelings. And no one wants tobe told to "accept it"/"deal with it" as often as men tell women when it comes to porn, any more then men want to hear that aboutgetting real sex.

[WhisperingWillow]

Stella:

 

I have a question for you and others. My wife masturbates. It is a part of our sex play together but also something she does alone when I'm traveling or otherwise unaxailable. Not once has it occurred to me to question or be threatened by what she might be looking at or thinking about while roaming "in the danger zone" (Cyndi Lauper ). Those personal and private fantasies, while a part of her overall sexuality, are hers and hers alone. They might involve George Clooney, our pool guy or some guy in a magazine or video. I don't know and don't care. Overall, our sex life, after some struggles, is good.

 

So me question is this - If a wife or GF's shared intimacy is satisfying, why would she care about her partner's separate fantasies? More bluntly, assuming a healthy marital sex life, why is the idea of your man whacking it on occasion to some some porn star such a threat and deal-killer to many women here?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Insecurity! I honestly believe, and not for all ladies so don't jump on me, that when women get their man, Ie stable relationship, to her you're pretty much all she sees and all you should see. Unrealistic in thought, yes. I know a lot of my friends that even take offense to their man masturbating. They think it's a betrayal. You take females like Carbine, and I'm not saying she is bad either, but a lot of females are the way she is. It's a security thing. Some women think that just because their man is involved with them in a loving and healthy relationship that she is all he should see and lust after, that he is blind to all outside women and she should be the end all and be all for him. That's the problem right there. I'm in a loving relationship as is my boyfriend and we are not blind and do look at other people, albeit sometimes together. It's all about security with yourself and confidence. Confidence is a sexy thing.

[Woggle]

Like I always say if women are offering more than a screen image they have nothing to worry about. Men just like to be visual but it will never overrule a good woman. On the other hand if they are the type of women that causes more misery than they are worth then yes their men might a prefer a computer image. My wife has a vibrator but I don't mind because I offer her something that a machine could never provide. The same concept applies to porn