"I Don't"

[Milf629]

you wont beleive it you just won't!

 

last night, I had to get together my financial affidavit, this leads to us discussing some things, and he is seeing the lawyer today and I say to him you know we can avoid ALOT of legal fees if you and I iron out some details and are set in our position and agreements BEFORE we involve them, he then tells me that he doesn't want to discuss it although he sees the value in doing so, because what he really wants to do is move the court date (the court date that is set after the 3 month cooling off period) he wants this to take LONGER becuase he thinks its a mistake........ at this point I say I have never ever been more sure of a decision in my entire life I am done I do not want this anymore, I love you I always will to one degree or another but I do not want to be married to you anymore, love ME enough to let me go, do not drag this out further.....what ensues next HIM doing lots and lots and lots of crying, HIM admitting that I am the best thing that ever happened to him, that I have made him what he is, that I am not replaceable and that no matter what I can stop this at any time, he doesn't want it and he will always hope for us to be back together (can you believe this ****), at the same time he says he really isn't sure he can be the kind of person I need and that he feels I deserve which was apparently that portion of one of our last discussions was all about, he wasn't sure he could deliver, so I said then I am sad for you, if you can't feel like you can have that in your life then i am sad for you. Get some help. We discussed of course at length AGAIN how much I don't believe him about this girl, he did admit that that one night he was out in the club with her, that he was sooo drunk he doesn't know what happened or if anything did or didn't. anyways I am still at peace with me decision and he still doesn't want this. we got somewhere while discussing the finances though I dont know how i will manage even with him giving more then he has to but I will manage. we discussed the kids too and we have a mutual respect and understanding between us about them and how things will go from here on out, he will respect me as their parent and my wishes and I him.

 

I laid into him a bit about why now, why not a month ago when he HAD the potential to possibly save this, why now, why not 6 months ago, why now! I wanted to be the first to say that to him, because I am sure he will get alot of the same from alot of people.

 

I never brought up the yankees game night thing because I dont care it doesn't matter and I dont really want to hear more lies.

[Mz. Pixie]

He had me until he started spouting fog about how you deserve so much better and how he cannot be the person that you want him to be.

 

If he really really wanted to save this then he would be begging and telling you that he'd change no matter what.

 

I don't know why he keeps doing this- if it's not for the money. It makes no sense. It's like "I hate you- don't leave me" or something.

[Becoming]

It's like "I hate you- don't leave me" or something.

 

A classic symptom of a borderline personality.

 

Way to go, milf!

[Last Mohegan]

Ericka, I have followed your story from the beginning and I have to tell you that I am so, so impressed with how you've handled everything. Your self respect comes through each and every time and that will be a huge testimony to your kids some day.

 

My sister and I watched my mom and dad divorce when we were 3 and 5 years old. Her lack of self respect caused her to enter yet another horrible relationship that left my sister and I permanently scarred. All that to say, while your roller coaster of emotion has got to be completely gut wrenching, I think you are very strong and very brave and I, for one, am more inspired not to settle for less than I'm worth when I read what you are doing.

 

Thank you for sharing your struggle with us. It has definitely impacted at least one person in this big ol world;)

 

you wont beleive it you just won't!

 

last night, I had to get together my financial affidavit, this leads to us discussing some things, and he is seeing the lawyer today and I say to him you know we can avoid ALOT of legal fees if you and I iron out some details and are set in our position and agreements BEFORE we involve them, he then tells me that he doesn't want to discuss it although he sees the value in doing so, because what he really wants to do is move the court date (the court date that is set after the 3 month cooling off period) he wants this to take LONGER becuase he thinks its a mistake........ at this point I say I have never ever been more sure of a decision in my entire life I am done I do not want this anymore, I love you I always will to one degree or another but I do not want to be married to you anymore, love ME enough to let me go, do not drag this out further.....what ensues next HIM doing lots and lots and lots of crying, HIM admitting that I am the best thing that ever happened to him, that I have made him what he is, that I am not replaceable and that no matter what I can stop this at any time, he doesn't want it and he will always hope for us to be back together (can you believe this ****), at the same time he says he really isn't sure he can be the kind of person I need and that he feels I deserve which was apparently that portion of one of our last discussions was all about, he wasn't sure he could deliver, so I said then I am sad for you, if you can't feel like you can have that in your life then i am sad for you. Get some help. We discussed of course at length AGAIN how much I don't believe him about this girl, he did admit that that one night he was out in the club with her, that he was sooo drunk he doesn't know what happened or if anything did or didn't. anyways I am still at peace with me decision and he still doesn't want this. we got somewhere while discussing the finances though I dont know how i will manage even with him giving more then he has to but I will manage. we discussed the kids too and we have a mutual respect and understanding between us about them and how things will go from here on out, he will respect me as their parent and my wishes and I him.

 

I laid into him a bit about why now, why not a month ago when he HAD the potential to possibly save this, why now, why not 6 months ago, why now! I wanted to be the first to say that to him, because I am sure he will get alot of the same from alot of people.

 

I never brought up the yankees game night thing because I dont care it doesn't matter and I dont really want to hear more lies.

[Ladyjane14]

He had me until he started spouting fog about how you deserve so much better and how he cannot be the person that you want him to be.

 

He's just evading responibility for the divorce decision. He doesn't want to be the bad guy... so he puts up a protest about how he REALLY wants it to work, then he cries some crocodile tears.

Meanwhile... he's got to make sure Milf doesn't forget why she's decided to divorce him in the first place, otherwise she might actually take him back.

 

Mess with his head next time he does it, Milf.

Act like you're seriously considering taking him back and WATCH HIM SQUIRM.

[Mz. Pixie]

him back.

 

Mess with his head next time he does it, Milf.

Act like you're seriously considering taking him back and WATCH HIM SQUIRM.

 

That would be hilarious! DO IT! He deserves it.

 

Say "Honey, I know, I've been thinking you're right! Let's renew our vows and start over!"

 

How is the Mary Kay biz going??

[Roo....]

"Ericka, I have followed your story from the beginning and I have to tell you that I am so, so impressed with how you've handled everything. Your self respect comes through each and every time and that will be a huge testimony to your kids some day."

 

The funny thing is while she was going thru her denial I was saying the very same things to her that you all were, she wasn't ready to hear it, needed to hit rock bottom, and get out of denial before she could talk to me again.

 

I fought with her, even willing to sacrafice my own relationship with her (and she is not just my SIL, she's my best friend and my sister by choice)Because I knew this to be true, because I knew somewhere in there lie a sleeping beast, one with the most enormous heart, and strength and courage, and one who's DAUGHTERS will be better stronger and more self-empowered because thier mother found everything she ever really needed was inside of her all along.

 

I'm glad she decided to take me back, once she realized what she needed to on her own. But I'm so grateful now reading this to realize that someone was out there tellign her what I so badly wanted to when I was slienced. To those who are reading and now admiring her, you should, no matter how she handled this at times, no matter what she had to go thru to get to where she is now, I've never known a stronger woman. And now that she's found herself again, I don't think she'll ever doubt herself again.

 

Ericka, I held your hand, I took you and your children into my home, I gave you all my love and support and even my silence when that's what you needed. I have never been more proud of you, not for what you are doing, or the choices you are making, but because you have found the most important strength one can hope for... I found this quote the other day... I hope it makes sense...

 

"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell." -- Siddhartha Buddha

 

You have won the battle, and are now enjoying the prize I KNOW it will bring you all the joy's you have missed before...

 

 

Much love... Roo

[Gunny376]

He's just evading responibility for the divorce decision. He doesn't want to be the bad guy... so he puts up a protest about how he REALLY wants it to work, then he cries some crocodile tears.

Meanwhile... he's got to make sure Milf doesn't forget why she's decided to divorce him in the first place, otherwise she might actually take him back.

 

Mess with his head next time he does it, Milf.

Act like you're seriously considering taking him back and WATCH HIM SQUIRM.

 

Man's worse nightmare! "OMG! She bought off on my BS!"

 

He'll back-pedal faster than some joker in a pedal-boat trying to get away from JAWS!

 

I was BSing with the XW one night about anal sex (not serious). She jumped out of bed, ran down the hallway. I thought I scared her!

 

She came back to the BR, with a broom in her hand! "What are you going to do with that?" I asked? You want to try anal sex? Let me shove this up you azz, if you like it, I might give it a try!"

 

SCRATCHED THAT ONE OFF THE LIST!

[Becoming]

"Ericka, I have followed your story from the beginning and I have to tell you that I am so, so impressed with how you've handled everything. Your self respect comes through each and every time and that will be a huge testimony to your kids some day."

 

The funny thing is while she was going thru her denial I was saying the very same things to her that you all were, she wasn't ready to hear it, needed to hit rock bottom, and get out of denial before she could talk to me again.

 

I fought with her, even willing to sacrafice my own relationship with her (and she is not just my SIL, she's my best friend and my sister by choice)Because I knew this to be true, because I knew somewhere in there lie a sleeping beast, one with the most enormous heart, and strength and courage, and one who's DAUGHTERS will be better stronger and more self-empowered because thier mother found everything she ever really needed was inside of her all along.

 

I'm glad she decided to take me back, once she realized what she needed to on her own. But I'm so grateful now reading this to realize that someone was out there tellign her what I so badly wanted to when I was slienced. To those who are reading and now admiring her, you should, no matter how she handled this at times, no matter what she had to go thru to get to where she is now, I've never known a stronger woman. And now that she's found herself again, I don't think she'll ever doubt herself again.

 

Ericka, I held your hand, I took you and your children into my home, I gave you all my love and support and even my silence when that's what you needed. I have never been more proud of you, not for what you are doing, or the choices you are making, but because you have found the most important strength one can hope for... I found this quote the other day... I hope it makes sense...

 

"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell." -- Siddhartha Buddha

 

You have won the battle, and are now enjoying the prize I KNOW it will bring you all the joy's you have missed before...

 

 

Much love... Roo

 

 

What's the story here? I'm confused by this post.

 

And great story, Gunny! :lmao: :lmao:

[Roo]

in her original thread Ericka had indicated she was having trouble in her other relationships her mother sister and sister in law - I am the sil she was not speaking to at the time. I pushed many of the same buttons you all were to get her to realize how incredibly he was disrespecting her, that it didn't and dosen't matter if the relationship with the HER got physcial because what was important was that he was her husband and he OBVIOUSLY has ZERO respect for her, I told her to pull herself up by her bootstraps and be the woman she needed to be for the sake of her children so they didn't grow up wondering if they were "not enough" because she allowed herself to feel that way. She got mad, we exchanged words, and she needed some time to come to that conclusion herself. Once she did we mended fences, thankfully.

 

She had told me after such time about this site I came to have a read and was impressed with how STRAIGHT forward you all were with her and did a lot of giggling about the things you all echoed from my own advice to her. I realized somewhere along the line that she needed to just get there on her own, but I'm glad that somewhere else ppl were pulling for her, and encouraging her to have more self-respect and self-love and stop letting him jerk her emotions around.

 

I think we all need to remember that even the strongest of us can sometimes forget how great we are, fumble and let what others think destroy our vision of ourselves, but what's important is not the journey it took for her to get to where she is now, but that she has ARRIVED. I hope her frankness will help someone else in the future take a shorter path to self-love. NO ONE is worth giving up on yourself NO ONE.

[Gunny376]

"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell." -- Siddhartha Buddha

 

We could start a whole new thread on that one.

[Becoming]

Thanks, Roo, and welcome to the Shack.

 

You've wowed me with your wisdom here:

I think we all need to remember that even the strongest of us can sometimes forget how great we are, fumble and let what others think destroy our vision of ourselves, but what's important is not the journey it took for her to get to where she is now, but that she has ARRIVED

 

Thanks. Hope to hear more from you.

 

And you must really be a blessing to Milf. A SIL advising W to leave her own brother. Things must really be bad for that to happen.

[Roo]

Ha HA...no Becoming, I'm Ericka's brothers wife, not the husbands sister.

 

Its much easier to look wise when you can stand on the outside of the situation, if I could only stand outside myself some days....

 

Thanks for the welcome!

[Milf629]

SO just a small update..........the husband with the unwanted help of a sneaky ass friend looking only to cause more trouble found this site AND my posts, how thoughtful of him!

 

anywho last Monday Night when I was home, the can't be my ex fast enough, has a long conversation with me, he does not want this he wants to push up the court date (to prolong this) we are making a mistake, this isn't right we were meant to be together, we have too much here (blah blah blah blah blah) you know all the crap I have BEEN saying all along. anyways I explain to him that he has zero chances of mending this because at this point not only would I be a FOOL but that I dont want it, none of it, NONE! anyways we have that conversation he gets emotional, crys (again all the **** I have been doing for five months while he sat and watched.....ASS).

 

I go out to do MK stuff tuesday afternoon and then headed to my meeting and then had to head to the grocery store because we needed stuff and it was dairy so I couldn't go before. I was a bit late getting home but my meeting ran late and then store run etc.

 

I get home and hes pacing like a caged animal, I of course sense something is up. try to ignor him, put on my tough skin, blah blah blah

 

anyways He says he needs to talk to me about some things........OK? weird but ok!

 

I go change into pj's and go back downstairs, I dont even know how he started but something about i guess you still have some questions for me, I said no actually I dont anything you have to tell me I likely already know or just plain dont care. HE goes on to tell me the following......are you ready for this........... he did go to the yankee game with her (that much I already knew and he already told me) and then goes on to say that they DID get a hotel room together because it was late and they were tired and then trys (notice the word trys) to tell me that all they did was sleep..................

 

I seriously nearly pissed my pants laughing...............and then followed it up with the following, you are the biggest ****ing piece of ****, you ACTUALLY THINK I BELIEVE THAT, your such as *******, WHAT WOMEN WOULD BELIEVE THAT, are you high, are you ****ing for real, you just slept (more laughter ensues) your crazy you ****ing *******. DO me a favor dont talk to me, cause all that comes out is lies lies lies lies lies, deny deny deny deny, at all costs, just shut the **** up already. Kids, Money, Schedules thats all we need to talk about

 

He continues to harangue me, dude there is NO chance for us, leave me the **** alone, he now says he can deliver on EVERYTHING (seriously I could have woken up with my head sewn to the carpet and I would not be more shocked, dumbfounded, SPEECHLESS then I was right then) to which I reply THATS NICE I DONT CARE, I DONT WANT YOU OR THIS ANYMORE. I am moving on without you, I told you that when this went legal I would not look back. duh ******* DUH.

 

then we move on from there, he found my posts on HERE with the help of his dirty little friend. and found out about this "other" person. grilling me GRILLING ME, after he has admitted to the hotel crap he was actually giving ME **** about going outside this marriage, can you beleive this??? seriously can you beleive this????????? then he started making threats, and getting a little psycho on me, threats towards this other person not me, to which I told him this is not your territory anymore so stop trying to mark it, it burns honey doesn't it that feeling in the pit of your stomach, can't get it out of your head that someone else might be F*cking me? hurts doesn't it, stings doesn't it, dont worry honey its all part of the process and you'll get past it, go out have some fun with your friends you'll get over it (this is what he told me to do at the time) hurts huh? he insisted it hurt for other reasons but I know better. he can't stand it, i reminded him we were only married on paper and there was nothing he could do about it (threats started again) whatever jason I dont BELONG to you anymore honey.

 

i am speechless and tired of using the term unbelievable, but seriously can you believe the ****ing GALL

 

so my posts will be limited at this point, since hes still spying!

 

come on out honey, I DARE you to post on here, and see what everyone has to say to your sorry, low down, dirty cheating ass!

[Ladyjane14]

Well, that's just sad.

 

Why is it that a WS won't believe until it's this late in the day? Too many times they burn through all the love we had for them until there just isn't any more.

 

That said, why not make sure the love is truly gone and not just blocked by anger and resentment? It takes awhile to get through a divorce. Have you thought about counseling while you're waiting?

If nothing else, it can help you both to transition into the co-parenting relationship by resolving some of the animosity.

[Roo]

LJ go back read the thread, then read the facts thread... She did EVERYTHING including counseling... trust me she's not really angry anymore she's more angry that he's playing this game now.... I didn't do anything to work on this, but continue to cheat and lie but now that I think someone else just might be interested in you I'm gonna piss a circle around you and brand your ass cause you are mine..

 

BTW he also only SAID he wanted her back at that point...has he acted... NOPE!

[Mz. Pixie]

Milf,

 

I'm confused?? What "other" person?? Is this a guy?? E- you really need to take a step back here babe. DO NOT be dating. You're too emotionally vulnerable right now. Your love bank hasn't been filled in a long time- and no doubt any attention right now would feel good. But all you need is a rebound relationship right now to really screw you up. So, take a big step back!

 

Jason- if you're really viewing E's posts here- why don't you come on out and post????

 

Got the balls??

 

You've been jerking her around this whole time and now you expect to just be able to turn things around??

 

Here's a tip- start by being honest. She's not going to believe your lies. You need to come completely clean. Completely. If not to keep her, at least to help things be more out in the open between you two.

 

If you can't at least come clean about what you've done- I see no reason why she should give you another chance.

 

See, here's the thing. You want to be able to keep her without doing the work involved. Not going to happen. She's fed up- fed up!

 

Put yourself in her shoes. You've been hanging out with your OW- and neglecting your entire family. Spouting stuff about how "you cannot be what she wants" etc. Now, you've decided to straighten up- do you think that she's just automatically suposed to take you back?? This has been going on a while- and she's given you every opportunity to mend things- but your "friendship" with OW has been more important. Give me a break- a man is not willing to risk his marriage unless he's getting tail- I know it and everyone else does too- including E- so quit trying to pretend otherwise.

 

To begin to even try to make ammends you need to do the work.

 

You set up marriage counseling for you both and try to talk her into going.

 

You set up individual counseling for yourself- because you need it.

 

Come clean completely about your affair. Completely.

 

No contact with OW- you write her a NC letter. No contact for life.

 

You start making ammends and treating your wife and children like they deserve to be treated.

 

You're completely transparent. You're where you say you'll be- you do what you say you'll do- and give her every password- cell phone record. Whatever it takes to mend it.

 

IF and only if you begin to do those things- then you MIGHT be possibly able to turn this around. But it's going to require hard work on your part- and it may be over an extended period of time.

 

 

E- if he's willing to start doing some of the above- would you consider just letting it ride a bit for the girls sake??

 

If you guys are in MC?? And he cuts off ties with OW and comes completely clean??

[Milf629]

I would NOT consider it in any form or manner. NOT

 

too late, if I went back now I would feel like I settled for the rest of my life, I would be signing my life away to misery and uncontentment and sadness.

 

NOPE

 

besides he wouldn't anyways.....

 

I am not "seeing" anyone, despite what he thinks. But that will not always be the case and when I do, its for one reason and one reason only........ a girl's got needs and there isn't enough batteries in the western hemisphere to satisfy that NO RELATIONSHIP.....NONE

[ThumbingMyWay]

But that will not always be the case and when I do, its for one reason and one reason only........

 

 

its funny....I always find that some one will post about somehting I was just thinking about or talking about.

 

I often wonder....if I was in yours or a similar situation....

 

Could I really just have sex for the sake of just that....just for the sex and orgasim......I dunno....I just wouldnt feel comfortable.....I would at least have to start some form of relationship first....

 

i say that now though. maybe after 4 or 6 months of nada....I would take my chances if I got them....

[Gunny376]

I would NOT consider it in any form or manner. NOT

 

too late, if I went back now I would feel like I settled for the rest of my life, I would be signing my life away to misery and uncontentment and sadness.

 

NOPE

 

besides he wouldn't anyways.....

 

I am not "seeing" anyone, despite what he thinks. But that will not always be the case and when I do, its for one reason and one reason only........ a girl's got needs and there isn't enough batteries in the western hemisphere to satisfy that NO RELATIONSHIP.....NONE

 

Tall, 6'1, 190 lbs, tanned, retired military, lab manager, D/D free, children grown and gone, romantically literate, great cook, domesticated,.............

call me BR549!

[Roo]

Tall, 6'1, 190 lbs, tanned, retired military, lab manager, D/D free, children grown and gone, romantically literate, great cook, domesticated,.............

call me BR549!

 

 

Doesn't sound too bad now does it E... he he...

 

cute Gunny!

[Lor]

Hey, E. First off, congrats on remaining strong. I do have to wonder, once all your anger is gone, where will you be? You are so bitter and hopefully its only pouring out of you here. Your situation and mine are similar but to tell the truth, even though we are at the same stages in this game, I feel very much at peace because I haven't allowed myself to get bitter and too angry. Notice I said TOO to be that way only causes more stress.

 

Its just a thought. Keep going strong and don't let him get to you.

 

Jason, if you read this, you should be ashamed of yourself for what you did to your family, and are still doing. If you love her, quit with the guilt trips and let her go. She deserves so much better than you.

[Milf629]

Gunny I would imagine we have a "location" problem hee hee hee.

 

and yeah I mostly have small stints of anger, oh I am pissed rest assured, but most of the time, I am just done and at peace, I know i am making the right decision I have already seen that my life is only beginning rather then over, The "30 somethings" are going to be UNBELIEVABLE! off the hook! You know in a way this is pretty cool, because I have my children, I am past the point of wanting more, I mean maybe someday, but I sort of have the best of both worlds right now. Don't have to any longer put up with any crap AND I still have my girls, its kind of cool.

[CryingCanuck]

Not going to say either way IF what you're doing is right or wrong, only you know for YOU what it is.

 

Anger is a really funny thing you know! It has a way of blinding a person's judgement, it creates a sense of calm in some, where everything they think they are doing is right,, but after the anger has finally left, they find out they were totally wrong...

Some use their anger to move on ( moi ) but to what purpose? Eventually you will have to make certain decisions with a clear head and no anger to distort it. You really sound angry dear lady, you also sound like you're trying to convince yourself that this is the right move and maybe it is, but until you let the sores heal, you're not going to know.

 

As far as having physical needs met, remember that the person you might end up with might be looking for something totally different than you and may get hurt without you're meaning to. From everything I've read here and learned since coming here, REBOUNDS hurt in some ways more than the original hurt.....

 

Not telling you what to do, only that, maybe take a few steps back, think certain things through that you have mentioned here and if after a while you still feel the same way ( without Anger being the driving force) then go for it girl.

 

I think you know what I'm saying dear lady, you're husband sounds like a real piece of work, but through all the crud you're dealing with you still sound like you care for him and maybe just maybe you might want to take a step back from there too and see what happens without totally closing the door totally shut....... Just a thought dear lady......

 

CC

[Roo]

Not telling you what to do, only that, maybe take a few steps back, think certain things through that you have mentioned here and if after a while you still feel the same way ( without Anger being the driving force) then go for it girl.

 

Not that she needs me to stick up for her... but trust me if she sounds angry here its only because she's being so entirely civil at home while he is constantly baiting her (she tends to come here and post on the days he does something to try and push her to bait her into a fight)

 

And actually when she finally decided to do this for real and to do it it was after what E 2 months of goign back and forth and a whole lot of crying.

 

I don't know if it was here but someone at some point in this whole ordeal said you have to EARN your way out of a marriage and when you get to that point, you can easily move on, you are no longer emotionally invested in the other person etc.

 

Knowing her personally I can tell you that as the mother of two VERY young girls she did not make this decision based on her anger, and even if she had, she'd not have been able to sit across the table from her 3 year old and tell her that mommy and daddy dont' want to be married anymore if she hadn't moved past her anger.

 

As angry as she is that he was a dissapointment in a conversation the other day she realized she's forgiven him for all that... since she no longer needs him to be that person for her, and it's because she's forgiven him for being less of a husband than she needed that she can move on. Now lets just all hope he can be better than LESS than on the father front.