Getting Seperated...totally lost

[ilmw]

You maned-up there Duke! (You should put the John Wayner avaitar back up ~ you've earned it ~ the Duke would be proud of you!)

 

There yah go gunns... new avatar from one of my fav Duke films..

[ilmw]

Hi all

 

Well... I guess I will be moving on... DW had the decency to finally tell me sh is dating someone... and has been for about 3 weeks. I was of course upset.. but I maintained my cool... I did make some comments that she did not appreciate.. but I apologised and she said she understood.. I reminded her to put the shoe on the other foot.

 

It did end on a friendly note.. and we left with a hug.

 

I guess it was all I had to hear. I needed to know for sure. I know know it is over... and that is that. No.. I'm not ok with it... I still think she threw us away... I do believe... she was not seeing this guy way back when.. and well frankly... I finaly don't seem to care.

 

Funny thing with closure.. I went to my buddies place... last night... I was introduced to this very nice woman.. We hit it off ... way to easily... scary how much in common we had.. Even down to her love of S/F:confused: We were quoting things from Star Trek..at the same time.... (I'm not that much into it... but I do have a litany of useless knowledge... lock inside my cranium..)

 

Well she called me today.. and wanted to know if I wanted to see her tonight.. So I said sure... we are going out to dinner tonight.. after she gets home from work.

 

I feel strangely calm about this.. I guess because she is ... so easy going.. and my buddy used to work with her.. and praised her all to hell. She does not seem like a flake.. and seems to really have her sh*t together.

 

I have learned so much from here.. and from all my reading... and personal reflection.. I feel kinda good.. that this mature.. attractive..and vibrant woman.. is calling me.. and wanting to see me. I'm still in a state of shock... but I am good... calm.. and understand.. me..

 

I have no expectations.. and am not Wanting a relationship... just going to see where this goes..

 

I am not going to rush into anything.. but it does feel amazing.. how this has all seemed to pan out.. I finally get some closure... and I meet this woman the same day.

 

I did feel awkward... at first.. but we hit it off.. She could carry on a interesting conversation.. and keep my interest going.. There never seemed to be any lull.. or any lengthy pauses.

 

I also.. have a smile on my face.

[Gunny376]

It never ceases to amaze the ever-loving Hell out of me, how a woman can break a man's heart, prompting him to make changes for the better in themselves that makes the next gal to come along say "Where tha' Hell you've been! I've been waiting for you all my life!"

 

What one woman abuse ~ another can certainly can use!

 

"They call me the "Brezze"

 

I keep blowing down the road.

 

I ain't got me nobody, I don't carry me no load.

 

Ain't change in the weather ~ ain't no change in me. ...........

 

I ain't hiding from nobody ~ ain't nobody hiding from me, and that's the way its suppose to be!" Lynard Skynard Band

 

Sorry to hear about the DW, but that's the cycle of life, things begin, they blossom, the flourish, they wilter, they die. Its taken me a long time to understand that ~ to accept that. Such is life?

 

Just take it light and slow from here on out with the that knowledge.

 

Now get back out there and let all the ladies you're back on the street and available again.

[PWSX3]

I am very sorry to hear the news because I know you were really trying your best to get back with the DW, but like I have said before & I'll say it again, she just doesn't know what she is letting go. Someday mr. R will set in and she will wonder WTF did I do?

 

You have to be proud of yourself, look how far you have come & how much you have learned....(thumbs up smiley intered here)

 

So there are other woman out there that find you interesting, imagine that.

 

Just have fun, enjoy the company & who knows you might just become friends..

[Gunny376]

I'm not trying to give you false hope, but I know of a couple that got divorced for ten freaking years before they got back together. IMHO ~ you're wife is freaking nuts ~ which means that she's having to go down a path that she's got to go down, and doesn't fully understand what's driving it.

 

To be brutually honest? I think she's peaking "sexually" and her hormones are driving her. Its the only rational answer that explains her ill-rational behavior? That, combined with societial and cultural myths about the way things are "suppose" to be?

 

The main thing is that you don't go beating yourself up! You're the poster child of tolerance and such. You've done all you can and then some!

 

Bottom line? Its just time to move on! Don't go dragging this dead horse of a relationship around with you for the rest of your life! Its time to move on. What are you going to do about it? You've done all you can! You gave all that you had to give! You did the best you could! And then some! In the end? It wasn't enough. But you gave it the best that you had at the time! Let it go ~ just let it go and move on with your life!

[azianpride143]

Gunny is right on point. You have given your old relationship all that you can give. At this time, you should just move on. Your fortunate you have found someone else. Give it a try and see where it leads. Another woman's loss is another woman's gain. Keep us posted.

[Ladyjane14]

Your wife is out of her mind. I know I've said that before... but damn.

It's just astonishing that she can't see the forest through the trees.

 

These guys are right though... one woman's trash is another woman's treasure. Some other lucky girl is going to end up with "the finished product".

 

How'd the date go, btw?

[ilmw]

Hi all,

 

Well the date went well.. we went to a nice restaurant... had some wine.. steak... and some good conversation.

 

We then went back to my place and continued the date... she left around midnight.....

 

Thanks guys for your comments... yes DW is nuts.. and yes she has to figure this out for herself...

 

Every woman who I have been in a LTR who has left me... has come back later.. sometimes years.. and told me they had made a mistake... (but I was lucky to get out of those ones...as they were crap..)

 

I still love DW.. there is no doubt of this... probably always will. But I'll be damned if I gonna stay lonely pining over her..hiding in my apartment.. (well I never did quite that... except for the 1st month after I moved out..)

 

I know this woman likes me.. likes my a lot... but.. I am not rushing it.. I get the feeling that if I wanted to see her tonight... I could.. but.. I'm staying home.. to read up on some case stuff as I have court tomorrow.. and tomorrow night... I'm going to a retirement, get together for one of our old timers.. Taking 3 stretch limos down to the city... he has no idea...

 

So... it really feels good to have this self control.. and finally know...what I want.. how I see me getting there... This is the first time in my life.. I actually have a clue...

I feel right now.. that I KICK ASS! Not arrogance...but a good feeling... gezzz.. some woman walked past my cruiser today.. and said out loud.. "hey there making cops cuter these days..":confused:......so there yah go...

 

Yeah... feeling a little cocky ... but thats ok.. I'm a good guy.. and I'll get used to it...

 

Seriously now... I am feeling calm... and have no expectations...just going about my business the smart way.

 

Hey.. she just txt me.. wants to chat..??

 

Hmmm...

 

BTW... for you guys and gals.. who have been here all this time for me... THANK YOU ALL.... for helping me get to where I am... I have not arrived... and I never will... and that is a lesson I will never forget. As I must always keep learning... adapting... and over coming what ever life throws in front of me..

 

Ohh.. that sounded like a farewell speech......:lmao:

 

I'll be back...

ilmw

[sumdude]

I'll be back...

ilmw

 

Sounds to me like you already are.

 

And thank YOU for being a great example of how to get through this sh** with dignity, honor and your head held high.

[ilmw]

Sounds to me like you already are.

 

And thank YOU for being a great example of how to get through this sh** with dignity, honor and your head held high.

 

Thanks Sd..

[ilmw]

Hi all,

 

Well things are going good. Seen the woman I met about 3 times now... she txt me all the time...

 

I may have to see if this continues... and maybe cool her jets... Not ready or wanting anything serious right now.

 

I went out for a couple of beers and wings with one of my buddies I have not see for several weeks. We caught up... and had some laughs.

 

I leave and meant to call DW's uncles place... as it was still earlier... not even 10pm. I knew the woman I have started seeing had been there earlier.. I called her by accident.. I played it cool.. She chit chatted about this and that.. then brings up the fact that.. DW knows I am seeing her.. and knows all about her.. I was floored... shocked... and (piss*d off)

 

She got all concerned that she told me... and I told her I need to speak with DW's uncle.. so I headed up there.. to have a chat. It appears he took it upon himself to tell DW.

 

If anyone should have let her know... it should have been me. I probably means nothing to DW... but.. as she had the decency to tell me she is seeing someone... I felf it should be up to me... to tell her the same... when I was good and ready. Now she knows.

 

I just really angered me... that's all.

 

I am in no shape or form getting serious with this new lady... and the very thought of a serious relationship is so not in my mind.

 

As another friend said... you are just having fun.. and just let her know that... so there is no expectations on her side. I pretty much think.... she had gotten that... from my none pursuing attitude.

 

The fact that DW knows... really rattled my cage... for an instant... I felt like I was caught cheating... but that went away quickly.

 

Just had a thought... DW's uncle... thinks she is not actually seeing someone.. like that... but is trying to make me... jealous.. Now... I am thinking.. he told her... to make her jealous.. as he really wants to see us back together. I really need to have a chat with him... and tell him.. Butt out. Some one else's best intentions.. can back fire on those.. who they are trying to help...

 

On another note... as it was Mother's Day yesterday.. I took s5 out to get a card for his mommy. I also bought a flower arrangement... funny things is... DW loves purple lilles... I actually found.. an arrangement full of them... The only one.. So I bought them.. for her from the boys.

 

When I dropped off s5... I got him to give them to her... To see her face light up... was (nice) She thanked me.. but I quickly stated... "hey...s5 said.. "Dad.. I'm heading to the store...to get some flowers...I'll be back in half an hour," I said ok...but don't talk to strangers" next thing he came back with these.

 

She laughed at that... and smiled and thanked me again... and then quickly thanked the boys. She also said it really brightened up her day. (that was also nice)

 

I felt good for doing that..... she is a hard working Mom... and I always have respected her for that...and always will.

 

Ahhhh... feel better for this post.

 

Staying strong... singing a song.... as time... goes.... by...

 

ilmw

[Gunny376]

As always a really good job with the MD's from S5, and your response.

 

And, I agree with you on the new gal ~ just keep it light, honest, and straight up for what it is.

 

Ditto with the uncle ~ he needs to tend his business and quit trying to play matchmaker. I'd give some thought as to how you present it to him ~ but I'm sure that won't be a problem with you.

 

Now with the XW trying to make your jealous ~ while it lies within the relams of probability ~ its doesn't IMHO lie within the relam of possibility. You wife does't come across to me as the type.

[ilmw]

As always a really good job with the MD's from S5, and your response.

 

And, I agree with you on the new gal ~ just keep it light, honest, and straight up for what it is.

 

Ditto with the uncle ~ he needs to tend his business and quit trying to play matchmaker. I'd give some thought as to how you present it to him ~ but I'm sure that won't be a problem with you.

 

Now with the XW trying to make your jealous ~ while it lies within the relams of probability ~ its doesn't IMHO lie within the relam of possibility. You wife does't come across to me as the type.

 

Thanks Gunny,

 

The Mother's day thing.. was like I said "nice" she appeared to get a kick out of it... but... oh well

 

I also on that day had a little chat with s/son.. we had a little laugh.. and we parted.. and I heard him say he loved me... That was nice to hear.

 

As for the 'new girl'... this lady is really great. Smart, funny, attractive in a different way .. than DW... the thing is.... I feel absoultly nothing for her... NOTHING. I like talking to her... and other stuff. I just don't have even the smallest hint of emotion... I also started to get the feeling she was wanting more... than I was willing to give... The other night... she wanted to know if everything was OK. I then told her... straight out.. I am not looking for a relationship.... I just got used to being... ME. I am not ready for a relationship. She kinda went quite... but then said she understood. She then went onto asking when we were going to see each other again.

I do not see this going anywhere... although I could see it if I wanted it to... I just don't have any feelings... or real interest.. in investing ME. I feel so cold about it. I look at her... and I KNOW.. she is not THE ONE. I also know I have options... It is a strange sense of power... or self control... I have gained. I thought... when I got to this stage... I would be desperate for affection .... but I am not. My DW was unique in how she made me feel.... I have had my fare share of ladies... and she was the only one.. whom I truly loved...

 

Now... I don't seem to care about.. LOVE.

 

Now this new lady is very affectionate... and it is nice to get this affection... BUT... I don't need it. I'm starting to think... something in side me had died.

 

I refuse to have "issues"... so I'm gonna work on me some more....

 

Regarding .. meeting someone special.. I do know this.... It has to be a certain special combination of things... to "get me"... and this awesome lady... I know.... now.. just does not meet all of this unwritten criteria..

 

I have been up front with her... and she knows where I stand.. Where I stand, I will stay... until I decide I will move.

 

I have started feeling in an almost state of 'flux'... in and out. One minute.. I'm king of the castle .... then I'm all confused again. Maybe due to me realising... I have NO feeling for this woman.

 

I'm just glad I told her ... my stance early on... so if and when... I move on... she will appreciate... that I was honest with her.

 

It is true though.. the one least interested in a 'relationship' is in control... She wants one.... It's obvious... and she calls me...emails me... and txt me all the time.... I only respond... unless I need to ask her something.

 

BTW... I am not playing games with this ladies heart.... Just protecting what is left of mine.

 

ilmw

[sumdude]

Well, seems like it's still pretty early in the game for you there man.. Being a few months behind I can sorta see how it can be. For all of her issues I never felt about anyone the way I felt about my STBX.

 

Think back, I bet sometime before you met your ex there were a few girls whose company you enjoyed but just weren't .... that ..... Take it easy there's no pressure, enjoy the ride, one day someone might come along and surprise you. As long as you stay true you'll be OK. Must be strange for you to be on the other side ....

[dgiirl]

ilmw, imo, this new girl sounds very clingy. You've only gone out three times and all of a sudden you're "seeing" each other? Hmmm, if I were you, I'd be running fast in the opposite direction. Dont feel bad about not having emotions for this girl. It's better if you are honest and up front with that. It gives her the opportunity to look elsewhere!

 

ilmw, so does this mean I can still hit on you and ask you out? lol

[ilmw]

ilmw, imo, this new girl sounds very clingy. You've only gone out three times and all of a sudden you're "seeing" each other? Hmmm, if I were you, I'd be running fast in the opposite direction. Dont feel bad about not having emotions for this girl. It's better if you are honest and up front with that. It gives her the opportunity to look elsewhere!

 

 

ilmw, so does this mean I can still hit on you and ask you out? lol

 

 

 

Yeah.. I think your right... Its starting to bother me... instead of flatter me... She called me on my way home from work this morning... It's like .. I tell her I don't want a relationship... and she is, it seems going even stronger...

 

From all my recommended reading and some of my own... self discovered readings... I have come to better understand some dynamics of relationships.. Its funny to be pursued..(not funny haha either) and see it..

 

 

"ilmw, so does this mean I can still hit on you and ask you out? lol"

 

Hey ... I have been waiting for you to do just that..;) PM me and we will set something up...

[sumdude]

Yeah.. I think your right... Its starting to bother me... instead of flatter me... She called me on my way home from work this morning... It's like .. I tell her I don't want a relationship... and she is, it seems going even stronger...

 

From all my recommended reading and some of my own... self discovered readings... I have come to better understand some dynamics of relationships.. Its funny to be pursued..(not funny haha either) and see it..

 

 

Ain't it a kicker ... how that happens?

Sometimes makes you wonder about the old marriage don't it ... but since we all know that's gone we're gittin' lerned ain't we?

[ilmw]

Ain't it a kicker ... how that happens?

Sometimes makes you wonder about the old marriage don't it ... but since we all know that's gone we're gittin' lerned ain't we?

 

Yeah you are right... it's the typical "can't always get what you want"... now I'm on the other side of the equation:confused:

 

On a side note...

 

I have been reading over several other peoples threads... and it dawned on me... that... Although they had been betrayed... sometimes brutally... at least.. they can use the anger to move on..

 

I have come very far.. but I am still not there yet..

 

Seeing this woman... has made me see this. Understanding this... has unfortunately... made me realise... how far I still have to go.

 

By seeing this woman.. I jumped a hurdle.. and have open the door to "moving on"... but and there is that but again... I am so not over my DW!

 

I hate the fact that I am kissing one woman.. and wishing it were DW...

 

I am not like the fact that I feel I am forcing myself to do this... because it seems that is what I am doing..

 

I saw her last night ... we had a good time... but.. I am not happy.. it is fleeting... and once she is gone.... I feel nothing... That is a bad thing. NO EMOTION... cold... scary!

 

I'm sure most folk's on here can tell I have a heart... I have opened it up enough on here... since last spring... and have shared with others.. and given my heart felt opinion... to their plight.

 

I am going to her place Monday for a BBQ... with a bunch of other people... I have decided that if I walk away from there still feeling, or more like NOT feeling. I am going to shut this down.... I know she is developing feelings for me.... and I will not deliberately hurt her.

 

Its weird how cold and objective I am being about this.... I guess it is a good thing in the long run.

 

ilmw

[El-Producto]

I think all that means is that you aren't ready to move on. I don't think it means you aren't over your ex, it just means you haven't totally fixed yourself. You shouldn't be ashamed of those feelings, and don't look on it as "cold-hearted". You are just now more cautious as a defense mechanism because you don't wanna get screwed over again.

 

I was recently caught up with a woman at work. I didn't let it get far at all because I don't have anything to offer anyone right now, it wouldn't be fair to me or the other person. But being involved with this person did make me realize that someone of the opposite sex can make me feel wanted, and special. It's a great feeling, and I can't wait until I can take advantage of it.

 

Stay Strong.

[ilmw]

I think all that means is that you aren't ready to move on. I don't think it means you aren't over your ex, it just means you haven't totally fixed yourself. You shouldn't be ashamed of those feelings, and don't look on it as "cold-hearted". You are just now more cautious as a defense mechanism because you don't wanna get screwed over again.

 

I was recently caught up with a woman at work. I didn't let it get far at all because I don't have anything to offer anyone right now, it wouldn't be fair to me or the other person. But being involved with this person did make me realize that someone of the opposite sex can make me feel wanted, and special. It's a great feeling, and I can't wait until I can take advantage of it.

 

Stay Strong.

 

Thanks EP,

 

I hear what you are saying.. but the things is.. I am not over her... I know this to be true and a fact... pisses me off

 

When I was with this new lady.. I was doing nothing but comparing her.. (not fare)...

 

I also... started to get annoyed with her... already...(not good)

 

I really thought I had gotten to a place where I was good to go... to move on.. but being with this new lady.. has shown me I am not

 

I am seeing her on Monday ... at this BBQ... I can't see anything changing in me by then... so I'm probably going to end it.

 

To bad... but I know she is not the one for me...

 

This in itself is remarkable... and proof positive that I have come along way.

[El-Producto]

Thanks EP,

 

I hear what you are saying.. but the things is.. I am not over her... I know this to be true and a fact... pisses me off

 

When I was with this new lady.. I was doing nothing but comparing her.. (not fare)...

 

I also... started to get annoyed with her... already...(not good)

 

I really thought I had gotten to a place where I was good to go... to move on.. but being with this new lady.. has shown me I am not

 

I am seeing her on Monday ... at this BBQ... I can't see anything changing in me by then... so I'm probably going to end it.

 

To bad... but I know she is not the one for me...

 

This in itself is remarkable... and proof positive that I have come along way.

 

At least you can recognize that, and not jump into something you aren't ready for.

 

I on the otherhand have to be very careful. I'm finding that I look at every woman, and picture myself with her, and think she is the one. I guess I'm at that point where I'm rebounding. I don't think I miss my STBXW so much, as the comfort of the relationship. At times I seem so desperate to find someone to engage in a relationship with. The funny thing, is my thoughts are rarely sexual in nature, more of just jumping right to the stable part of the relationship. I'm glad that through IC, I'm able to recognize these things before I let them happen.

 

Stay Strong, your doing the right thing. It's okay not to be over your EXW.

[notspiritual]

As for the 'new girl'... this lady is really great. Smart, funny, attractive in a different way .. than DW... the thing is.... I feel absoultly nothing for her...

 

I am not over her... I know this to be true and a fact... pisses me off

 

 

 

Women are like cars, you got used to drive a Ferrari for so long, so it is difficult to adjust down. I understand you still miss the Ferrari. But every car is different and has to be appreciated for what it offers.

 

I would not go as far as to say that: "Women are like trains, enjoy the ride as long as it lasts, then take the next train" but it is what a friend of mine thinks.

[ilmw]

At least you can recognize that, and not jump into something you aren't ready for.

 

I on the otherhand have to be very careful. I'm finding that I look at every woman, and picture myself with her, and think she is the one. I guess I'm at that point where I'm rebounding. I don't think I miss my STBXW so much, as the comfort of the relationship. At times I seem so desperate to find someone to engage in a relationship with. The funny thing, is my thoughts are rarely sexual in nature, more of just jumping right to the stable part of the relationship. I'm glad that through IC, I'm able to recognize these things before I let them happen.

 

Stay Strong, your doing the right thing. It's okay not to be over your EXW.

 

Thanks Ep

 

I know what you are saying... I have done this in the past.. at the end of my last LTR. Every girl I met... I did the same thing.. (just wanted love... needed to be needed)

 

I am not like that now... don't need anyone.

 

You stay strong too.. avoid the rebounds... get used to being on your own... it really does make a difference...

 

ilmw

[ilmw]

Women are like cars, you got used to drive a Ferrari for so long, so it is difficult to adjust down. I understand you still miss the Ferrari. But every car is different and has to be appreciated for what it offers.

 

I would not go as far as to say that: "Women are like trains, enjoy the ride as long as it lasts, then take the next train" but it is what a friend of mine thinks.

 

Ns... I totally get what you are saying... The thing is... I have always had specific taste in women.. She does not have to be a porche... or a Ferrari. But she has to have a lot of extras... a certain smile.. voice.. a laugh... a look... walk.. sense of humour.. etc

 

I have not had many LTRs, but I have been out with many woman... only 3 have made the cut to LTR... 2 of which were disasters... #3 was DW... not a disaster... but a tragedy.

 

As for the train analogy... ...nice.. But this fella can't do that... rather be alone.. doing my own thing... than to hang with some woman... I don't want a future with.... I just don't need a woman.. for her skills... I would want to be with a woman... because I want to be with her.. with the potential of more... (is that my feminine side coming out)...

 

Thanks for the post BTW

 

Side bar...

 

The new lady.. txt me twice today... and when I did not answer back for the second txt.. she called my home number.. I did not answer.. so she left a message.. with no voice..

 

I accidentally called her when I was checking my messages...

 

This is getting to much... Instead of getting excited.. with the attention... I am getting pissed off...

 

This woman.. is really trying to tie me down.. and its only been a few weeks...

 

I am really surprised at my reaction to all this...but I have to draw my line in the sand... I think it is because I now know what boundaries are... and mine are being crossed... a lot.

 

I am supposed to be going to her place tonight/day... for this BBQ.. it sounds like everyone else is dropping out... and I'm gonna be pissed if it is only me going.. (it will feel like a set up) I only agreed to go to this BBQ... in the first place because I thought it was at my buddies place... I agreed to go... then found out it was at her place. She has 3 teenage kids.. and because ... we aren't really dating or "seeing" each other exclusively... I did not want to meet them... to me, it did not feel right... and she would not be meeting my son.. until.. I was in a place in a relationship... where she or any other woman.. was likely to be a permanent.. fixture in my life...

 

I have to say... this will not be happening...today.

 

I have to say... I have never.. felt.. or more like NOT felt something about a woman I have seen... I guess I truly have changed.. and realise, I do have options... and I do not have to settle.. Also.. I know I am a good catch...

 

That's enough of that..blaah!

[sumdude]

I have to say... this will not be happening...today.

 

I have to say... I have never.. felt.. or more like NOT felt something about a woman I have seen... I guess I truly have changed.. and realise, I do have options... and I do not have to settle.. Also.. I know I am a good catch...

 

That's enough of that..blaah!

 

You're right that you don't have to settle and that's a good thing to know. Just watch out with that anger ... it may really be due to someone else's actions and you're directing it towards the wrong person.

 

One of the reasons it takes time to heal from a divorce before going into anything new. You've handled all this superbly but deep in there you're probably still pretty damn PO'd at your EW. If you're not comfortable with this new relationship ... end it gently.