Author ilmw Posted July 31, 2007 Author Share Posted July 31, 2007 She enjoys the co-parenting relationship and it becomes more and more ingrained in her brain that this works for her. She gets all the benefits of being married without efforts (sex). You are running the risk of becoming a “friend” which means you are in the process of losing her. You are demonstrating higher value as a friend/provider instead of demonstrating higher value as a lover/husband. Don’t insist to pay the breakfast, it looks like you want to buy her affection. Same thing with the roses, don’t buy them. But bring nonchalantly a flower you simply picked up on the road. Thanks guys. Just to clear some things up... She is seeing someone else. I bought the breakfast... because she was nice enough to give me a ride... instead of just leaving me to walk back to my car... which I expected. I never expected to go for breakfast with her and s6 it was a (surprise) I would never buy her roses... not the time or place... (she is seeing someone else.) I was just startled that she would have done anything like this , especially when she was so tired... and so wanted to go home to sleep. The game ended around 1130.. I did not get back to my car until after 1pm. I do not read into this... It was just a nice day... with the mother of my child, and our boy. ilmw Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 I would never buy her roses... not the time or place... (she is seeing someone else.) No I meant; does someone have roses so she could smell the roses & wake the FK up.......:lmao::lmao: Link to post Share on other sites
mammax3 Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 Wow ilmw. I'm so happy for you that you're getting to spend so much quality time with your son and you're able to get along so well with W. It must be extra hard and confusing when things seem to go so well when you're all seeing each other like that and being able to hang around and enjoy each other's company. I can't even imagine. It's hard enough to come to terms with SO wanting to separate when things aren't good... whew. LJ's right. You sure can see the postives and try to move forward with them in your mind! Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 I do not read into this... It was just a nice day... with the mother of my child, and our boy. That's what I'm talking about! Balance and perspective! Balance and perspective! You're rolling with Mr. R and me now, ilmw, let the top down and hang your arm out tha side, and just chill Throw your arms up in the air like you just don't care Big Daddy ~ because in the End? It just don't matter! You just make damn sure that your azz is there for those children (SS and DS!) Forget gettin' laid! Semper Fi ~ Do or die! (Semper Fi ~ diretive of Semper Fidelis ~ Latin ~ Marine Corps Motto for "Always Faithful") Link to post Share on other sites
notspiritual Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 Just to clear some things up... She is seeing someone else. I am sorry to hear that. I had the impression that her new relationship was not serious. "When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her." - Sacha Guitry Still confuses my why we are separated... We get along so well.. and share so many of the same interests I would give up trying to understand. First because this will hold you back. Second because there is probably nothing to understand. A woman’s action is not based on rationality, so a man will have a hard time understanding her. Her actions is based on her feelings and her emotions however instable and stupid they may be. I would not bet my future on the instability of a woman’s feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
Antha Posted August 2, 2007 Share Posted August 2, 2007 I haven't been on here in a LONG time, but just went back and read your thread. I still get the feeling that something would have or should have changed, especially after she found this thread. I had actually hoped in the back of my mind (at the early stages of my divorce) that my ex-H would have read my posts and understood the situation better, see how he was treating me. I find it hard to believe that STBXW, despite reading every word you wrote, cannot see how she is throwing away a wonderful man. I think Gunny said that only 1% of men read self-help books. I'm sure that's true...and its sad. A man whose actually willing to stop being defensive and look inside him and make the necessary changes for himself...so hard to find a man that will even go to marriage counseling or just reflect on themselves. ilmw -- you have done so much for yourself and for your marriage, for your family. The things you have done are so commendable. I wish every day that my relationship with my ex-H could be a /co-parent/ relationship like you and your STBXW have. It takes two people to make things work...you guys are making it work, even though you aren't together anymore, you are working together as co-parents. I admire that so much. It can't just be one person trying to be civil and mature -- it does take two parents who are willing to get along for the sake of the child, and I think that is the most important thing here. I know you have made so much progress and you are still improving yourself every day. My thoughts while reading your posts were much like your own: "If they get along so well and have so many similar interests and they genuinely like each other...and he clearly is in love with this unique and wonderful woman...what is the problem? Why are they separated at all? They seem perfect for each other". Well, I still don't have the answer for that. It keeps bugging me. Maybe someone else can figure it out. I just wanted to stop by and let you know that I still think of your thread here and hope for you, and that I think you are a wonderful man that will do well, with or without the STBXW, as you have already shown. Antha P.s. I have been away for a long time due to...moving into my townhouse, working full-time, raising my wonderful daughter and dating a man who truly appreciates me and doesn't take me for granted. Other than the dealings with the ex-H, my life has been wonderful for the last 6 months. And yes, I am proud of how far I have come. Always have more to go, but I've crossed leagues. So...that's where I've been. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilmw Posted August 2, 2007 Author Share Posted August 2, 2007 Hi sweetie... long time no hear.. I saw your nic.. and thought I recognised that ... then I saw your Avatar.. lol Its so good to hear from you... You sound so much more positive... and things do sound like they are going well... that is awesome. and Thanks for the praise and kind words. I do appreciate things like this... and it makes me shake my head sometimes... when ladies like yourself... say.. how I am wonderful.. and unique... etc () and it seems to have made no difference in the outcome of my marriage...? I have stopped dwelling on it.. it is, what it is... I can't change it... only me... and me is who I focus on. Once again... great to hear from you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilmw Posted August 13, 2007 Author Share Posted August 13, 2007 Hi all, Have not been on much lately.. kind of been busy... and going on vacation in a few days... so I thought I would get on here and say HI! Doing really good these days.. getting more used to the idea of being single ... I guess it is acceptance.. of the facts... and facing the reality of what happened to my life. Yeah ... it still hurts sometimes... really bad... but... I am 99% of the time in a good mood... and that is saying something.. considering the crap I see at work all the time... :lmao: This being TOTALLY independent and self reliant is kinda liberating... Geesh I'll be debt free... by September... and then I can throw all that I save towards my vacation to the Gulf of Mexico... and my savings for getting my own house. Unlike my DW... I will have a much larger down payment... and lower mortgage... so I can have breathing space... besides... I will have my hot tub.... I must have my hot tub...:laugh: I get my s6 for 7 days.. straight... NICE... taking him to my parents again for a few days... to do more fishing and canoeing.. plus time with Nana and papa Then some time with Bro and sis-in-law and niece.. then water park.. and the beach.. and and and ... So looking forward to that... going to be the highlight of my holidays.. I'm off from the 15 of Aug... till the beginning of September.. so by the time I get back to work... I will have forgotten my combination for my locker at work..:lmao: Take care all.... I'll try to post more... ilmw Link to post Share on other sites
mammax3 Posted August 13, 2007 Share Posted August 13, 2007 Cool, ilmw. I hope you have a terrific time off and enjoy all that time with your son! It certainly sounds like you're doing great! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilmw Posted August 28, 2007 Author Share Posted August 28, 2007 Cool, ilmw. I hope you have a terrific time off and enjoy all that time with your son! It certainly sounds like you're doing great! Hey.. thanks mamma! Well... I'm still on vacation... lol Went to my mothers place up north for a few days.. but the weather was awful so we came back to where I live... and it was not much better... so... we just made the best of it.. I have dated about 3 different woman too since last I posted... The first one was a disaster... and I ended it ASAP... The second lady.. was nice.. and we had a laugh... but.. she just did not do it for me... we still chat once and a while... but .. that is as far as that goes. I also met this 3rd lady... and it took me about 2 weeks to finally get a date with her... schedule conflicts.. me being out of town.. her daughter getting sick... Well we finally went out last night... to I nice little restaurant.... Wow.. I was floored how much I liked her.... She is lovely... funny.. cute as a button... while being sexy... in a famine way..(classy) I actually brought her a rose.. and gave it to her when I picked her up... she was surprised.. and seemed genuinely.. happy for it.. We got to dinner around 7pm.. and we left just after 9pm... my dinner went cold talking with her... We were both surprised the time had flown by so fast... We then went for a short walk... but I knew...she had work to do.. after the date... so I took her home... Got there... had a quick chat... got a kiss..and left. It was really nice... I want to see this lady again... :) She is the first female... I have had this level of interest... well in a long time.... I have met ladies... who I have liked.. but knew... it would never work... That is the difference I guess with me know... I can look at this stuff objectively... and the fact I no longer NEED... only want... has made the big difference... Now don't get me wrong.. I don't expect anything to happen with this lady... It would be nice.. to get to know her better... and I had a fantastic time... just talking with her... but I am realistic and mature enough to not have great expectations... She knows I am interested in seeing her again... and she has expressed the same interest.... I guess we shall see where this might go.... To think I am talking like this... is very uplifting... It has taken me a while to get my head around my separation.. Never thought.. I could have any kind of feeling for another woman... and here I am... 1.4yrs after my separation... and I actually feel something for someone else... although I put is down to "interest" only... The way I felt after this date... I have not felt that way... well I can't remember when I last felt that way... giddy? I don't have my socks Blown off very often... as I have very specific taste in woman... kinda why I have never had that many girlfriends (LONG TERM)...but damn... Soon as she answered the door... I can remember...saying to myself... "damn"... ok buddy... play it cool... don't look stupid... lol :lmao: I did pretty good... kept her laughing... we looked into each others eyes a lot too... which was really nice... but..at the same time... made me a little uncomfortable at first... but.. after a while... It felt natural.. She had beautiful eyes... Ok... I just went back over this post... and I sound like I am 16 So I will shut up now.... just thought I would catch up on my own post... and read some others.... Take care all... ilmw Link to post Share on other sites
CryingCanuck Posted August 28, 2007 Share Posted August 28, 2007 Amazing how a little contact with someone else can change our perspective on things eh? Slow the course my man, happiness isn't far off, either with her or with someone else, but it's there good friend. Dgirl too, ILMY and D you both have paid your dues for happiness now it's time to collect some. I'm just thrilled for you both, CC Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted August 29, 2007 Share Posted August 29, 2007 wow, looks like "love" is in the air ILMW, I'm so happy to read your latest post. Who knows what we're in for, but you definitely deserve this happiness, so enjoy it Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilmw Posted August 29, 2007 Author Share Posted August 29, 2007 Thanks guys.. Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted August 29, 2007 Share Posted August 29, 2007 Just another example of someone not really looking but someone special crosses your path. This might not be the right one, but it is the one that has helped you get back on track & understand there are other people out there that see you as a special person, way to go Ilmw...:bunny: You are human Ilmw, you do have feelings & it sounds like they are starting to come to the surface..... Link to post Share on other sites
mammax3 Posted August 29, 2007 Share Posted August 29, 2007 That's terrific ilmw, I'm so happy that you're out on the scene and *enjoying* yourself! It reminds me of Gunny's get busy living or get busy dying phrase. Awesome! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilmw Posted August 29, 2007 Author Share Posted August 29, 2007 Just another example of someone not really looking but someone special crosses your path. This might not be the right one, but it is the one that has helped you get back on track & understand there are other people out there that see you as a special person, way to go Ilmw...:bunny: You are human Ilmw, you do have feelings & it sounds like they are starting to come to the surface..... Yup... your right. My only concern... and I mean only concern is... How the hell do you date.. ... its been a while... Thank god it was only 8 years... I could not imagine.. being married for longer... and having to do this.. Thx PW Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilmw Posted August 29, 2007 Author Share Posted August 29, 2007 That's terrific ilmw, I'm so happy that you're out on the scene and *enjoying* yourself! It reminds me of Gunny's get busy living or get busy dying phrase. Awesome! Hey mamma... yeah.. it was "enjoyable"... more than I could have hoped for. Surprising and yeah... gunny gets it right again... Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilmw Posted September 28, 2007 Author Share Posted September 28, 2007 Hi all, Been a while since I last posted. Not had much to say... and there are so many new people on here now... I can't keep up! Kind of sad.... that there are all you newbies here.. but then again... you have come to a great place for help.. solace...and understanding... LS... helped me keep my head on... cool my jets... and vent... vent.... vent! Anyway... not much new... might be seeing that lady I mentioned last time.. for coffee tomorrow... been hard to see her... due to schedule conflicts. I'm not on here so much now.. as I don't feel like I need to be.... I am at a place where LS... has given me all it can... I'm done with my marriage... had enough... that is why, I am looking at other options.... but hey! I'm in no rush... all is good... I'm alone... but not lonely... I am enjoying my solitude... without being a hermit... For all you out there new here... you will get through this... trust me you will!.. I was where you were... over a year ago... and never thought I could think this way... loss, dis pare..and denial... were what I was all about... No any more... I see the reality of my life... and look forward to moving on... I still care for for the ex... but.. she is the EX! Anyhoooo... tata for now.... I lurk more now... ilmw Link to post Share on other sites
Snuggle Tiger Posted September 28, 2007 Share Posted September 28, 2007 I wonder if your STBX is still reading this thread? You have done amazingly well. Good luck, Sir, and keep holding your head high. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted September 28, 2007 Share Posted September 28, 2007 You've made a difference in MY life! Help me understand a lot in my life! Help me understnad my PTSD, and hyper-attentivness? And a buntch of other "crack" that guys like you and I've gone through?! Its nice to know that someone out there completely understands the words "Oh ****!!" and "OMG!" Be it Ireland, Iraq, Iran, ~ Its all tha' "****! Your MY Brother! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilmw Posted September 28, 2007 Author Share Posted September 28, 2007 I wonder if your STBX is still reading this thread? You have done amazingly well. Good luck, Sir, and keep holding your head high. Thanks snuggle T, I doubt she would be reading this... but .. I could not care less. She has made her bed.. and she can lay in it... Saying that... we do still get on pretty well... which is great for the boys sake.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilmw Posted September 29, 2007 Author Share Posted September 29, 2007 You've made a difference in MY life! Help me understand a lot in my life! Help me understnad my PTSD, and hyper-attentivness? And a buntch of other "crack" that guys like you and I've gone through?! Its nice to know that someone out there completely understands the words "Oh ****!!" and "OMG!" Be it Ireland, Iraq, Iran, ~ Its all tha' "****! Your MY Brother! Yeah... its true... Like the saying goes... "walk a mile in my shoes" Even if we did not have some of the shared similarities .. of prior career choices.... we are brothers... through this trial by fire of Divorce. This experience... is to my far worse than anything... I have ever experienced.... and it has changed me more than the sum total... of anything... and everything... that has happened to me in my past. I am forever changed... but this time... I walk out of these flames... a better man. No anger, no issues... no resentment... Just me... and that feels good. ilmw Link to post Share on other sites
Bobby NoBrains Posted September 29, 2007 Share Posted September 29, 2007 I am forever changed... but this time... I walk out of these flames... a better man. No anger, no issues... no resentment... Just me... and that feels good. ilmw Sometimes in life people make mistakes. Their goodness, even greatness, lies in the fact of whether they can correct their mistakes, not in what their efforts will get for them. I've read your thread and at this stage I must say you've done a marvelous job of bringing yourself out of the situation with dignity and a healthy respect for yourself and your ex. Sometimes things just don't work out the way you want them to, but accepting that as part of life and being able to move on without resentment and anger and issues is a blessing given to few people. I hope that if my time comes to such tough situations in life I can deal with them with the same dignity and courage that you have dealt with in your life. Yours is an inspiring story. Just my two bits .. Bobby Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted September 29, 2007 Share Posted September 29, 2007 Sometimes in life people make mistakes. Their goodness, even greatness, lies in the fact of whether they can correct their mistakes, not in what their efforts will get for them. I've read your thread and at this stage I must say you've done a marvelous job of bringing yourself out of the situation with dignity and a healthy respect for yourself and your ex. Sometimes things just don't work out the way you want them to, but accepting that as part of life and being able to move on without resentment and anger and issues is a blessing given to few people. I hope that if my time comes to such tough situations in life I can deal with them with the same dignity and courage that you have dealt with in your life. Yours is an inspiring story. Just my two bits .. Bobby Yea! They should make ilmw's thread a "sticky" on this fourmn! Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted September 29, 2007 Share Posted September 29, 2007 I agree Gunny. The fact of the matter is that there aren't that many REAL men these days. Men who don't whine and wring their hands. You and ilmw, are two of the few "real deals" I've seen on LS as far as real men go. I hope the posers are paying attention. Link to post Share on other sites
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