WHy don't women get it?

[Moai]

One question for you Moai: Are you telling that once they get a boyfriend this guy "friend" will be thrown out?

 

Not thrown out per se, but she will distance herself from him, for sure. And the new boyfriend isn't going to want the friend hanging around all the time.

 

What you are talking is 100% truth but I don't think even 1 female is going to agree with this... even the ones on this forum. But talk about a guy that uses a woman for sex and then backs away when she wants a relationship he will be regarded as pure evil!!

 

Yep.

[Moai]

I think maybe your used to the being around people who think like this, or used to thinking girls use people, It's just sterotyping the world, NOT EVERYONE is like that

 

Now if you think that everyone is like that, well than you haven't met everyone

 

I haven't met everyone, but I have met a lot of women like this. I have also met women who don't allow things like this to happen because they think it's wrong, and look for the companionship in their boyfriend. But not many.

[alphamale]

I haven't met everyone, but I have met a lot of women like this.

yes MOAI and they are usually the good looking ones.

 

I have also met women who don't allow things like this to happen because they think it's wrong,

they are usually their more homely sisters

[Moai]

Yes, there does seem to be a correlation between physical attractiveness and emotional manipulation.

[Brittanyjean06]

Well I never really heard of a 41 m hanging out with a 41 f, maybe thats just some of the high school mentality

 

But I can understand that your not going to seek interest in a girl unless you are trying to date her maybe? If I was to hang out with some of my " guy friends" well It would be a little different than from hanging out with just girls, there would be a little bit of something there, and you never really know the guys intentions( not being bad) but again it is very rare for girl and boy to hang out alone, with out their being anything between them

[noclobber]

Well I never really heard of a 41 m hanging out with a 41 f, maybe thats just some of the high school mentality

 

But I can understand that your not going to seek interest in a girl unless you are trying to date her maybe? If I was to hang out with some of my " guy friends" well It would be a little different than from hanging out with just girls, there would be a little bit of something there, and you never really know the guys intentions( not being bad) but again it is very rare for girl and boy to hang out alone, with out their being anything between them

 

That's the crux of this thread's discussion

[Moai]

Well I never really heard of a 41 m hanging out with a 41 f, maybe thats just some of the high school mentality

 

I don't understand. I am the only person I know who is 41. Everyone else I know is older or younger.

 

But I can understand that your not going to seek interest in a girl unless you are trying to date her maybe? If I was to hang out with some of my " guy friends" well It would be a little different than from hanging out with just girls, there would be a little bit of something there, and you never really know the guys intentions( not being bad) but again it is very rare for girl and boy to hang out alone, with out their being anything between them

 

Yep. That's why all the threads on this forum about "why does my SO hang out with the frined of the opposite sex?" exist.

[noclobber]

Part I

 

1) Is this friend of yours ever makes you/expects you to pay for food, movies, games or anything like that?

 

2) Does she fish for compliments?

 

3) Does she cry on your shoulder about her problems and expect emotional support?

 

Part II

 

1) Has she ever tried to cheer you up when you were down?

 

2) Has she ever given you any gifts?

 

3) Has she genuinely cared about you and helped/offered to help you at all?

[Moai]

Part I

 

1) Is this friend of yours ever makes you/expects you to pay for food, movies, games or anything like that?

 

Most of the time.

 

2) Does she fish for compliments?

 

Yes.

 

3) Does she cry on your shoulder about her problems and expect emotional support?

 

Yes.

 

Part II

 

1) Has she ever tried to cheer you up when you were down?

 

Not really.

 

2) Has she ever given you any gifts?

 

No.

 

3) Has she genuinely cared about you and helped/offered to help you at all?

 

She said "I love you so much" all the time. That means nothing, of course. And I am only describing the last one, but they are all pretty much the same.

[blind_otter]

the surrogate BF/GF phenomena.

 

I have a female friend who is a lesbian who does the same thing, she uses me as a surrogate GF when she's single. She takes me out to eat, we hang out and watch movies together and have blockbuster nights at each others houses. We have naked pillow fights. Ok I was kidding about the last part, but serious abot the rest.

 

I think that a lot of my male friends in the past did this with me as well, but I think I didn't catch on until I got older, that they were surrogate GF-ing me, either in the hopes of transfering me to permanent status, or using me as bait for another girl. Guys do that, you know. Semi attached men are more attractive than the glaringly single.

[noclobber]

Moai,

 

This is far worse than I imagined... She is clearly using you man.

 

And then of course another guy will come out of nowhere and become her boyfriend and will get the real goodies. Know what I mean?

 

The moment of truth will kick in then when she starts hanging out with that guy and disregards you...

 

Remove her from your life and save the pain!

 

To the women: How exactly would you treat your so called "close guy friends" after you get yourself a boyfriend?

[noclobber]

the surrogate BF/GF phenomena.

 

I have a female friend who is a lesbian who does the same thing, she uses me as a surrogate GF when she's single. She takes me out to eat, we hang out and watch movies together and have blockbuster nights at each others houses. We have naked pillow fights. Ok I was kidding about the last part, but serious abot the rest.

 

I think that a lot of my male friends in the past did this with me as well, but I think I didn't catch on until I got older, that they were surrogate GF-ing me, either in the hopes of transfering me to permanent status, or using me as bait for another girl. Guys do that, you know. Semi attached men are more attractive than the glaringly single.

 

Right on blind_otter!

 

1) How exactly did they change after they got a BF or GF?

 

2) What was your personal solution to this problem? (My solution would be to cut off from them but I am afraid I will have any friends of the opposite sex at all).

[blind_otter]

Historically I date over bearing controlling neanderthals who demand that I not have any male friends and only associate with heterosexual women who are dating their friends.

 

Thus I have no male friends. it's sad but true.

[noclobber]

Historically I date over bearing controlling neanderthals who demand that I not have any male friends and only associate with heterosexual women who are dating their friends.

 

Thus I have no male friends. it's sad but true.

 

Loved the way you put it!

 

Lindya had once mentioned that people often don't have a conscious strategy going on to hurt others or use them. They just do what feels good for them thereby lacking in self-awareness and in the process hurting others. We can't control what they do to us but our responses to them are definitely our own choices. We just got to make the right choices, as difficult as they are.

[Alexandra]

To the women: How exactly would you treat your so called "close guy friends" after you get yourself a boyfriend?

 

"Treat"? In what way? Emotions wise, time wise, which?

 

Well I'm against the current here but I said it before, I'll say it again, I don't see things that way. I've always had males as "best friends" and it's still the case, my best friend is a man and I am married. Newly married at that.

 

Time wise? Yeah it changed, at times I have slightly less time for him, does it mean it's insufficient? Not really. Emotions wise? Nothing changed. We're as close or intimate as ever.

 

Being that it's just personal experience I could indeed be the exception, so could the many other cases I know of, so I'm not making personal observation a rule, please don't make yours either. If you scroll back to Craig's post on decisions and planning (hope it was in this thread) it sums things up nicely.

[noclobber]

"Treat"? In what way? Emotions wise, time wise, which?

 

Well I'm against the current here but I said it before, I'll say it again, I don't see things that way. I've always had males as "best friends" and it's still the case, my best friend is a man and I am married. Newly married at that.

 

Time wise? Yeah it changed, at times I have slightly less time for him, does it mean it's insufficient? Not really. Emotions wise? Nothing changed. We're as close or intimate as ever.

 

Being that it's just personal experience I could indeed be the exception, so could the many other cases I know of, so I'm not making personal observation a rule, please don't make yours either. If you scroll back to Craig's post on decisions and planning (hope it was in this thread) it sums things up nicely.

 

Treat them in the sense like.. would you distance yourself from them 'cos you now have a boyfriend and hence don't need your male friends?

 

example: If after getting a boyfriend, your guy friend calls you for a movie (just the 2 of you) would you go? You did the same thing before getting a boyfriend, what would you do now that you have someone special?

[Moai]

Moai,

 

This is far worse than I imagined... She is clearly using you man.

 

Duh. I distancd myself from her, but she kept at it, until finally she freaked out and got jealous of another GF of mine. I didn't talk to her for four months, but I talked to her a couple of weeks ago and now she calls everyday. I don't care, of course. I don't care if I ever talk to her or not. I call her back every fifth message or so, and I never take her call if I am out and about, which is most of the time.

 

The reason I started this thread is I cannot fathom why someone would do something like this.

 

And then of course another guy will come out of nowhere and become her boyfriend and will get the real goodies. Know what I mean?

 

She doesn't want a boyfriend. But she'll bang any random guy, I guess. One of the reasons she wouldn't go that far with me is she said it would be too serious and she wasn't sure if she wanted that. Whatever. Again, don't really care. I have no eomtions for her whatsoever, or respect for that matter.

 

The moment of truth will kick in then when she starts hanging out with that guy and disregards you...

 

She would be really distant at concerts and stuff, in case there was a guy there she wanted to hook up with (I am surmising--when I asked what her problem was she denied doing that) so I just did that to her. She'd walk up to join a conversation I was in, and I'd walk off and talk to other people. She freaked out. Suits me.

 

Remove her from your life and save the pain!

 

Already done, really. I don't care if she calls me, and it behooves me to be cordial since she'll show up lots of places I go. But other than that, I don't really act like I even know her.

 

To the women: How exactly would you treat your so called "close guy friends" after you get yourself a boyfriend?

[Alexandra]

Treat them in the sense like.. would you distance yourself from them 'cos you now have a boyfriend and hence don't need your male friends?

 

example: If after getting a boyfriend, your guy friend calls you for a movie (just the 2 of you) would you go? You did the same thing before getting a boyfriend, what would you do now that you have someone special?

 

You're not paying attention at what I'm saying or I didn't make myself clear. Again, yes there would be less time invested in the friendship but there would be no other change. (Replace "would" for "was" and "is" at will.)

 

So no, I don't/didn't distance myself from him and I sure as hell still "need" him despite how that's a poorly chosen term.

[MarnieGirl]

I think swearing off all other opposite sex people in your life is like making a confession that you can't be trusted. It's stupid, not to mention almost impossible.

 

If my fiance told me what to do, I would tell him to go s*** in his hat.I don't mean, like, sleepovers and stuff, cause that's weird and no adult needs that for fun. Welllllll maybe. But no attached adult.

 

I just think it's unrealistic to expect someone to cut off all contact with a potential stealer when there is no real potential.

 

My question is, what would you do if your honey was bi? Never let them go anywhere, because every single person is a threat?

 

There has to be attraction. And just because people are sexy and like sex and all that doesn't mean they are trying to have it with everyone who has the proper genitalia. Just like not all gay guys are going to hit on their college roommates just because the roommate's a guy. You have to have a lot more going for you than just being the preferred gender, ya know.

[Pyro]

Actually, I am 41. And it is a fact. Unless the guy is gay. Every man I know is the same way, whether older than I or younger.

 

Sure, around women they pretend to care and be all sensitive, but as soon as it's just men you hear the truth. I have done that myself--a fact I am not too proud of, but it happened.

 

This is not true. I have female friends. I am straight, and I am not attracted to them at all. Its pointless to generalize everyone into one category because you are incorrect.

[noclobber]

You're not paying attention at what I'm saying or I didn't make myself clear. Again, yes there would be less time invested in the friendship but there would be no other change. (Replace "would" for "was" and "is" at will.)

 

So no, I don't/didn't distance myself from him and I sure as hell still "need" him despite how that's a poorly chosen term.

 

I understand... but you still didn't answer the main question

 

Will you go and hangout with your guy friend (just the 2 of u.. exactly like how you used to) after you get yourself a boyfriend?

[Alexandra]

I understand... but you still didn't answer the main question

 

Will you go and hangout with your guy friend (just the 2 of u.. exactly like how you used to) after you get yourself a boyfriend?

 

No, I did answer it, just not the way you wanted me to so that I prove your point.

 

Again for the record. I don't just have a new boyfriend, "worse" I have a husband.

 

Yes I DO still do all the things I did with my best friend before my relationship only there is less time to do them.

 

Note how I put it my best friend. Not my "special friend" not even my "male best friend". Don't you have a best friend? Do you toss him -I suspect- to the curve when a woman appears?

[noclobber]

Yes I DO still do all the things I did with my best friend before my relationship only there is less time to do them.

 

... and your husband doesn't have problems with it??

 

Don't you have a best friend? Do you toss him -I suspect- to the curve when a woman appears?

 

Nope i don't and won't. But this whole thread was started because women are more prone to this type of behavior. Now I am not pointing my fingers at you nor am I over-generalizing. But whatever Moai has outlined is very much the truth! Its just that its tough to see these type of women "using" men as surrogate boyfriends 'cos the whole thing is happening at the emotional level. Again the analogy that Moai used was perfect. Its exactly like how a man uses a woman only for sex and then backs-out if she wants a relationship.. Even worse is when he doesn't allow her to move on and continues to use her for his own selfish reasons. This abuse would be very evident 'cos its happening at the physical level. Got my point?

 

BTW, your male friends are lucky to have you as their friend 'cos from your replies I get the impression that you are genuine and really care for your male friends.

[Moai]

This is not true. I have female friends. I am straight, and I am not attracted to them at all. Its pointless to generalize everyone into one category because you are incorrect.

 

I have female friends, too. I am talking the "best friends" variety.

 

What I mean is, you have women friends that call you at all hours (and daily), do things alone with consistently, talk to about your innermost thoughts (and hers), who expect you to spend your off hours with them, and you don't want to sleep with them?

 

Congartulations, you are the first I have ever heard of.

[Alexandra]

... and your husband doesn't have problems with it??

 

My husband and I are not pups anymore, we're mature grown ups who understand the notion of friendship, are rather independent and have clearly defined boundaries in our relationship as well as in those we have with others. Hence he knows what my friend is to me, he understands perfectly and would have never become my husband if he didn't, as my best friend would have not remained that if he didn't understand my marriage and the time constraints I spoke of earlier.

 

Nope i don't and won't.

 

Don't and won't what? Have a best friend or have a female as a best friend? If it's the former I'm sorry, you should maybe give it some thought, it's a rewarding human experience to be close to someone in that fashion. And if it's the latter I was asking about the former, so my question stands, have you changed your behaviour to your best -male- friend when a woman appeared?

 

Now I am not pointing my fingers at you nor am I over-generalizing. But whatever Moai has outlined is very much the truth!

 

Tee hee you just generalized again. No such thing as over-generalizing, you either do it or you don't and you do I did get your point and yes SOME women do what you and Moai agreed on (Not to say I agree with how it's "evil", nor to get into it and explain it's not conscient and how males too use women for affection surrogates). Some don't. That was the only point I tried to send across all along. Understand it's not a rule, that's all.

 

BTW, your male friends are lucky to have you as their friend 'cos from your replies I get the impression that you are genuine and really care for your male friends.

 

Well thank you, it's nice to meet someone who can start by calling you a potential abuser and ends up complimenting you all in the span of a single post from time to time;)