She came back

August 1

6 hours ago, basil67 said:

You've used the word "dominant" a lot, but I can't help but believe it's the wrong word - hence all the confusion. I suspect that the word you need is "assertive" (being confident, clear, and direct when you share your thoughts, ideas, or needs, while still being kind and fair to other people)

Your comment about not being desperate enough to have sex with her was the very opposite of kindness

Agree. Assertiveness is something I struggle with due to what I’m going through in my life. That’s why I have low self-esteem but it’s not that low. I did what I could. Picking her from airport, setting up dates, saying what I think about this topic etc is assertiveness. I’ve had conversation with her in regards as to why I’m struggling.

She is very assertive yes but I’m sure when she meets a man who is more confident it would create unhealthy dynamic where it’s fighting to be the one who is leading.

she even says that in previous relationships she was the alpha

yes the comment was my mistake but she wanted me to be more direct so…

August 1

Breaks ups are always painful to go through. Even if me and her dated for total of 5 months it’s still hurts atleast for me. As a sensitive person I think and feel alot. I’m not someone who can read «move on» and then just pretend everything is okay.

Receiving help is crucial to go through it. It’s not all my fault but both me and her’s and I have default way of being hard on myself and that I need to find her fault in this in order to move on

I’m learning about myself through the process. This girl and my ex is just two I’ve dated. It’s funny that before when me and my ex dated I was more assertive in the way I speak, act and did everything that I felt was right but it was all natural. A bit unfair to compare this girl to my ex as I was a different person. I was at that time very happy with my life.

August 1

I’d say sex or not. Assertivesness or not. Conversations about where what we need has been spoken about. I did what I could. If she does not have romantic feelings for me from the start then it’s already too late to see this relationship going further.

I’ve even been vulnerable telling her reason as to why I’m not assertive. That I’m working on myself.

If she can’t accept that and see me for who I am then she does not deserve me. She also has problems I accept

She knew very well what she was getting into and she may have known the outcome Things would not have changed. She still would break up despite all this.

From my understanding romantic feelings are something thar cannot be explained. It’s sort of a feeling that comes natural where you both like the person, are attracted an feel the chemistry

From my end I need to learn to be more assertive, stop overthinking, over-analyzing, work on my mindset..

August 1

On 7/30/2026 at 11:49 AM, Tagalz said:

It's har to be gentle to myself when I realized I sabotage this relationship where I had the chance to keep her. Most people here seems to agree that the comment I made was the breaking point. It is that comment that still will be remembered for me.

What do you mean by: "but nobody needs to be wrong or bad for the right fit to not happen." Obviously things did not work out when she was the right person? I think this can also be that I meet her at a wrong timing in my life.

You didn’t sabotage your chance to keep her, she was not going to stay no matter what you said or did.

She was not the right person for you. If she was, there’d have been no reason to walk on eggshells to try to keep her.

You will feel no need to alter your personality for the right person.

A good match is not so fragile. Invest in kindness to yourself, because the right person is waiting for you, and beating yourself up prevents you from healing to go find her.

August 1

11 hours ago, Tagalz said:

I’m not someone who can read «move on» and then just pretend everything is okay.

I don't think anyone can, nor did anyone here suggest you should do so. When we encourage you to move on, you need to remember that what we mean is to stop tormenting yourself over things that cannot be changed and to stop allowing this woman back into your life. Not one person here implied that should read "move on" and be instantly ok.

And should also remember this:

3 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

You didn’t sabotage your chance to keep her, she was not going to stay no matter what you said or did.

She was never going to be your long-term love.

August 1

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't think anyone can, nor did anyone here suggest you should do so. When we encourage you to move on, you need to remember that what we mean is to stop tormenting yourself over things that cannot be changed and to stop allowing this woman back into your life. Not one person here implied that should read "move on" and be instantly ok.

And should also remember this:

She was never going to be your long-term love.

Okay, I got it, but if I were more assertiveness - do you think she would have stayed? I think there is a possibility that her romantic feelings would develop if I were more assertive no?

If I understand it correctly. Romantic feelings is not someone Woman develops out of the blue. It has to feel natural and to not forced. But are chemistry and romantic feelings tied? Just curious as to how it works. Just from my understand romantic feelings is something that is not easily explained. It should all be natural and happend naturally.

@ExpatInItaly @Sanch62 @Gebidozo @Acacia98

August 1

On 8/1/2026 at 3:12 AM, Tagalz said:

We both were attracted to each other looks. That’s how me and her met in the first place. It’s the chemistry/the spark seems to not be there from the beginning due to our different qualities.

Chemistry / spark is attraction. If there was no chemistry and no spark right from the beginning, why on Earth did you even continue that relationship?

Liking someone’s looks isn’t attraction. I like the way millions of women look, it doesn’t mean that I’m attracted to them.

On 8/1/2026 at 3:12 AM, Tagalz said:

Do you think If I was dominant and respectful that she would develop more romantic feelings?

No, of course not.

If there is no basic chemistry / spark then nothing can ever develop.

I think you are looking at these things wrong. You seem to think that you can get a woman to like you romantically by behaving in certain ways. That’s not how it works.

August 2

18 hours ago, Tagalz said:

yes the comment was my mistake but she wanted me to be more direct so…

So you were being direct (and presumably honest) when you told her you weren’t that desperate to want to have sex with her?

So you really thought that only a desperate man would sleep with her?

I don’t understand what this has to do with directness / assertiveness / dominance /etc. It was just a nasty thing to say, and now you’re saying you actually felt it?

August 2

26 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

So you were being direct (and presumably honest) when you told her you weren’t that desperate to want to have sex with her?

So you really thought that only a desperate man would sleep with her?

I don’t understand what this has to do with directness / assertiveness / dominance /etc. It was just a nasty thing to say, and now you’re saying you actually felt it?

This was my thought at the beginning yeah but I later apologized to her so I didn’t feel like that comment aligned with me. I was trying to play it cool as we were in public restaurant with lots of people but also did not have enough confidence to pull through

August 2

43 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Chemistry / spark is attraction. If there was no chemistry and no spark right from the beginning, why on Earth did you even continue that relationship?

Liking someone’s looks isn’t attraction. I like the way millions of women look, it doesn’t mean that I’m attracted to them.

No, of course not.

If there is no basic chemistry / spark then nothing can ever develop.

I think you are looking at these things wrong. You seem to think that you can get a woman to like you romantically by behaving in certain ways. That’s not how it works.

Ah I understand. It’s like I think by behaving good and kind I will then expect to receive something in return. I can’t buy or earn the «romantic feelings» by being kind and nice.

Attraction is about being attracted to their presence, humor, and how that person feel when together.

it’s like I’m so busy thinking about behaving perfect in a way that I’m «perfoming» so that she can like me

So attraction is about who I am, and the chemistry of our personality and I cannot control what others feel. Like an example: I could be the best version of me and still the spark is missing.

Edited August 2 by Tagalz

August 2

4 hours ago, Tagalz said:

It has to feel natural and to not forced. But are chemistry and romantic feelings tied? Just curious as to how it works. Just from my understand romantic feelings is something that is not easily explained. It should all be natural and happend naturally.

Well, there's nothing natural about adopting a paste-on personality to try to be different for someone to get them to like you better. The right person for you will view you through the right lens, and you won't feel a need to become any different from who you are. You can relax with the right match, not 'perform' for them.

That's how you know she wasn't right for you. Attempting to hold onto someone who isn't right for you just because you want them to be right is torturing yourself for a temporary payoff. That's why continuing to torture yourself with a belief you could have tap-danced better makes no sense. This was a losing proposition no matter how you played it.

So? Take the lesson you've paid for with all this pain. Learn to stand your ground on who you are, and let wrong matches pass early. That's the smartest way to keep moving forward until you strike simpatico with someone who owns the vision to appreciate you for exactly who you are. THAT's not only sexy and romantic, it's liberating. You'll never feel like you need to pretend to be someone else ever again. You'll feel happy and lucky to just be you.

August 2

8 hours ago, Tagalz said:

Okay, I got it, but if I were more assertiveness - do you think she would have stayed?

No.

She was never going to stay.

August 2

6 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

Well, there's nothing natural about adopting a paste-on personality to try to be different for someone to get them to like you better. The right person for you will view you through the right lens, and you won't feel a need to become any different from who you are. You can relax with the right match, not 'perform' for them.

That's how you know she wasn't right for you. Attempting to hold onto someone who isn't right for you just because you want them to be right is torturing yourself for a temporary payoff. That's why continuing to torture yourself with a belief you could have tap-danced better makes no sense. This was a losing proposition no matter how you played it.

So? Take the lesson you've paid for with all this pain. Learn to stand your ground on who you are, and let wrong matches pass early. That's the smartest way to keep moving forward until you strike simpatico with someone who owns the vision to appreciate you for exactly who you are. THAT's not only sexy and romantic, it's liberating. You'll never feel like you need to pretend to be someone else ever again. You'll feel happy and lucky to just be you.

I understand. You’re saying I was not myself during my relationship with her and try to fake it so that she would like me. She DID actually feel that. How could she view me in the right lens of she never got to knew me as the real me?

Because of how I behaved in this relationship is why it did not work out Is my take.

«So? Take the lesson you've paid for with all this pain. Learn to stand your ground on who you are, and let wrong matches pass early. That's the smartest way to keep moving forward until you strike simpatico with someone who owns the vision to appreciate you for exactly who you are. THAT's not only sexy and romantic, it's liberating. You'll never feel like you need to pretend to be someone else ever again. You'll feel happy and lucky to just be you.»

- THIS!! Be myself and it will attract the right person

August 2

15 hours ago, Tagalz said:

Ah I understand. It’s like I think by behaving good and kind I will then expect to receive something in return. I can’t buy or earn the «romantic feelings» by being kind and nice.

Attraction is about being attracted to their presence, humor, and how that person feel when together.

PeopleSearch

it’s like I’m so busy thinking about behaving perfect in a way that I’m «perfoming» so that she can like me

So attraction is about who I am, and the chemistry of our personality and I cannot control what others feel. Like an example: I could be the best version of me and still the spark is missing.

Precisely, I think you’re getting it now!

August 2

8 hours ago, Tagalz said:

- THIS!! Be myself and it will attract the right person

Yes, and this requires grasping that you will NOT attract a majority of people.

Most people are not our match, and this is true for everyone. It's the natural odds of natural selection.

You'll need to build the resilience to allow people to pass on you instead of tap-dancing to try to make them like you. Grow into comfort with being kind even while you are being authentic. This will teach you who belongs in your life and who does not.

August 2

4 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Precisely, I think you’re getting it now!

To a certain extend now I do, but on the other hand no I don't.

I would not say I was nice to her because I wanted something in return. I am like this to everyone even my friends. This is how I showed up being authenthic with her. I think it does not matter if I were nice or not, she would still not grow romantic feelings

August 2

5 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

Yes, and this requires grasping that you will NOT attract a majority of people.

Most people are not our match, and this is true for everyone. It's the natural odds of natural selection.

You'll need to build the resilience to allow people to pass on you instead of tap-dancing to try to make them like you. Grow into comfort with being kind even while you are being authentic. This will teach you who belongs in your life and who does not.

Don't get me wrong I've been myself around her at the beginning it was no issue. I was kind while being authenthic. It was only after she came back I felt more careful as the first time I was really hurt. This can be due to that I was not fully 100% completely healed.

From what I gather now during you text it's that I was more on a "Perfoming role" this time which she saw right through it which means I was not being myself and it ultimately led to her breaking up + that she did not have romantic feelings. If we are going to go for that and say it like this then it's fair as I also think this is what happened but then it's more my fault than hers.

It's sad that she did not get to see me being 100% myself (Altought I do not agree 100% with this statement). At times I felt some sort of me having to fight for who is going to be the more dominant. AND if she meets a guy who are more dominant I don't think she would like that at the beginning because she's so USED to being the more dominant that it would create a unhealthy dynamic at first.

Edited August 2 by Tagalz

August 3

On 8/1/2026 at 4:18 PM, Tagalz said:

Okay, I got it, but if I were more assertiveness - do you think she would have stayed? I think there is a possibility that her romantic feelings would develop if I were more assertive no?

@ExpatInItaly @Sanch62 @Gebidozo @Acacia98

no. she was always going to leave.

August 3

21 hours ago, Tagalz said:

If we are going to go for that and say it like this then it's fair as I also think this is what happened but then it's more my fault than hers.

Breakups don't need to be anybody's fault. When two people are not a good match, it doesn't matter what either tries to do to save it; it's not going to work.

You don't need to assign blame. There was no magic formula you failed to perform in order to make this work. It was never going to work. Just let it go.

August 4

On 8/3/2026 at 7:26 AM, Tagalz said:

I don't think she would like that at the beginning because she's so USED to being the more dominant that it would create a unhealthy dynamic at first.

Having a dominant party is itself an unhealthy dynamic. Good relationships are about team work, with each partner supporting the other.

August 4

21 hours ago, flitzanu said:

no. she was always going to leave.

Yea she just did not feel the "Spark" and therefore there is nothing I can do. It's not mine or her fault for not getting the romantic feelings to develop

August 4

20 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

Breakups don't need to be anybody's fault. When two people are not a good match, it doesn't matter what either tries to do to save it; it's not going to work.

You don't need to assign blame. There was no magic formula you failed to perform in order to make this work. It was never going to work. Just let it go.

Yes, like it was not mine or her fault. We just did not match. But there is a part of me who thinks that If I were more dominant things would have been better. ANYWAYS I should probably text her letting her know that I want to be friends before it's late

August 4

13 hours ago, basil67 said:

Having a dominant party is itself an unhealthy dynamic. Good relationships are about team work, with each partner supporting the other.

Agree. She's just used to that in previous relationships. She has to at some point leave it and let the other person take the lead. Fighting for dominance is unhealthy. I can honestly say that I felt it at times that I had to fight for it and that it was a battle I was sure to lose.

August 4

2 hours ago, Tagalz said:

Yes, like it was not mine or her fault. We just did not match. But there is a part of me who thinks that If I were more dominant things would have been better. ANYWAYS I should probably text her letting her know that I want to be friends before it's late

but you don't want to be friends with her.

why on earth would you?

August 4

2 hours ago, flitzanu said:

but you don't want to be friends with her.

why on earth would you?

Because of common interest. Right now I cannot be friends as I still have feelings. I will have to heal first

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