She came back

[Tagalz]

Hey!

Seems like I cannot proceed writing on my previous thread about this Girl name Victoria I think I call her in this story? So I feel like I need to write a short reminder for those new readers

Well for those of you who wants a reminder and for those who are new I recommend reading previous thread called «update» 

Reminder: I dated this girl from January-march and she broke up with me because I’m careful and not the dominant type. As most of you know we agreed to stay friends after breaking up and one month after (april) later she asked me to come online to play games on console but after that I sent her a text saying we cannot be friend because the dynamic is weird. Meaning I was cutting all contacts with her just having her on social media. 
 

MAY comes around and she accidentally thought I was writing to her on snapchat but I did not. When writing the person get’s notification. I was drunk and clicked on her chat so that’s why she got notification. I did not send anything. Just clicked on wrong chat. Was supposed to click on my friends chat and ask if he’s joining us. BUT altough she did see me writing she proceeded to send: «Hey I see you writing. Is there anything you want to say?»

I replied: «No clicked on your chat on accident. It’s nothing but I’m writing to you know. Do you want to say something?» 

She: «No was nothing, just curious.»

31F and she divorced her EX Husband on in 2024 but got into a relationship in 2025 that lasted 6 months with her EX. Then she met me

NOW Speeding up to this day and the reason why I’m writing this is she CAME BACK. 

It’s the middle of June and she sends me a text late at night: «I miss you, good night» that’s how it came about. I answered back with «U miss me because you need attention or you miss playing games with me?» She writes: «No I miss you and want to meet it’s not that I want attention» She was straight to the point asking if I have time saturday. I said yes and I choose the place and time. 

Even if I said yes I did not have any expectations. Just meet her and look at her as friends. We Catch up. Was nice but after that we went to a bar and had drinks. No we were not drunk. She asks me if I was speaking to someone and if I’m available. I said that I’m not speaking to someone but was on a date couple of weeks ago. She said the same. 

She asks: I want to come back to you. I feel the attraction, the chemistry, we have lots in common and the conversation is flowing. What do you think? 

I say that I was really hurt by the first breakup and need time to think about it. 

I then takes my time to think. I took about 2 days going back and forth. I’m a person who believes that everyone deserves a second chance and we humans make mistakes. I accepted it and we are trying to make things work this time. 

lots of thing has happened from there. We are chatting and speaking on the phone almost everyday. 

it’s worth to mention that just 1 weeks after we came back to each other we are having the SAME conversation about me being not the ones who is leading and me being careful. «She started the conversation on facebook by asking: Do you feel like you have to be perfect for me? Like you’re saying sorry for something you don’t have to, you have the same interest in me and I feel like you’re following me. Also I can see that you are unsure of yourself and have low-selfesteem. 

If I’m trying to explain this it’s that she wants to understand me more. I tell her that confidence is what I’m working on and the reason for my low confidence is that I’ve lost lots of jobs and feel that I’m in a place in my life where I need to figure out what I want instead of working labour jobs. I also tell her that I don’t want to be perfect for her. I’m being myself and that me saying sorry is really spot on but I don’t have to now that I know. It can be sometimes I say it without me realizing it I tell her.. so I’m making myself clear and confirm to her that’s true whatever she wrote. She answered saying it makes sense and that it’s also because of my past. HONESTLY I felt like she were going to breakup with me AGAIN just 1 week after. My feelings is that she was still UNSURE of me even if we got back together.

TURKEY: she then goes on 2 weeks vacation to Turkey. Here is what’s changing. We call and we chat like we used to but more flirting and more sexting and intimate pictures. She is straight forward saying she’s been horny. She even said she has boyfriend when people in Turkey were trying to hit on her. It’s sweet of her. We were never couple as we did not have the conversation. We dated exclusively.

In Turkey we are having a conversation about the SAME topic. «Careful and «not leading» is keywords. We talk about what we want from relationships. She explains she wants a man that are dominant, confident and can lead. Reason being is that she used being the «Alpha» in previous relationships. It’s like her nature to lead. She just wants a man who can take that role.

I ask her to tell me more about what she means by saying «Leading» and «Careful» 

This is what she is saying: She wants a man to be confident, to lead, be dominant. The ones who sets up dates, spontaneous etc.. 

The Careful part: She says that she can feel that I need confidence. She feels like I’m afraid of her because I apologize alot. 

I said: I don’t have issues leading but you got to give me space. Just sit back and let me takes initiative. I’ve told her that I have already been doing what I can taking initiative to set up dates and plan it, make food and pick her up at the airport etc.. 

This is not part of conversation but I think she has been so used to takes charge in previous relationships that it sort of comes naturally.

MONDAY: She come home from Turkey. I pick her up. She complains about having headaches, tired and hungry. I stand there with painkillers, food and drinks. I help her carry her luggage and purse all the way back to her home. 

When we arrived at her home she asks if I want to go out and eat so we do. Nothing really happends. She was not interested in talking so most of the time we enjoy each other company. After we were done she takes initiative to ask if I want to meet tomorrow (last tuesday) To be honest I had  no idea she would ask that. My thinking was to give her space and relax after vacation. 
 

TUESDAY: Tuesday early morning. I say let’s make homemade pizza at your place. She said what about dinner outside? I say yes and I choose time and place. We meet at the restaurant. Same thing just slow start, surface level convos. We flirt and get horny. We both know what to do for us to turn on the switch. We both thinks we are good in bed. She then says: «you’re making me so wet I can bring you home we have time.» 

I replied with: «I’m not that desperate»  

It was rude of me to reject her when she’s interested so I did apologize the day after. If you ask me why I said what I said. I did not have the confidence to follow through and I wanted to play it cool since we are in a public restaurant. People can hear.

After I came up with this comment she went to the toilet. Probably to collect herself. She come back and leans into me. I’m the big spoon. 
We then finish eating and leave the restaurant. She takes my hand and place it on her ass. I grab it and say: «Nice ass»

we watch movies and then have beers at a bar. She could not be there for long because she had to wake up early next day. I did kiss her neck and try to make her horny so I could have sex. When we were finished I said «Let me follow you home» and she said «No I’m fine» 

that was the last time I saw her.

looking back. That comment may be the reason for her breaking up atleast some part of it. It is more. She were not hurt by the comment «Not desperate» she were more thinking about me not having confidence. Also IMAGINE since June to July. We did not have any sex and she straight up said she wanted sex and when it did not happend obviously she thinks this is more friendship. 

Sex or not I do not think it would change anything. It would just delay the breakup. 

Her opinions of me being careful and lacking confidence and sex are two different part. REMEMBER: I cannot change her opinion of me. We got to look back in January when we dated. Lots of sex too but STILL she breaks up with me for the SAME REASON SECOND TIME. And she were already unsure of me 1 week after we came back. 
 

She’s a women who know what she wants and I don’t have these qualities. She prefers a masculin, dominant and a man who leads. I know I am that type but because I’m in a difficult period in my life it would be great if she could take the lead but it’s not like I was doing nothing. I did what I can do. That reason for breakup is fair from her.

For me I’ve been also communication honestly and open about my mental health and struggles I experience now. I’ve done nothing to hurt her and she says that even ln the breakup message that I’ve been treating her good and the worst thing for her is to hurt someone she cares about. She had develop feelings for me but not that in romantic way but friends so she is happy for me. 

IF SHE CAN’T ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM AND TO BUILD UP more of what we had then it’s her fault and her loss. She’s x’ing out a potential relationships because she feels unsure.

I’m the person who believes you have to build up relationships but she wants everything on a silver platter having a man that has good paying job, good careers, steady etc.. 

Some people I spoke to say she broke up with me because she not patient enough, that she feels like I’m not ready for relationships which I disagree. I can still be at a tough place in life and still treat her good as most woman wants. It’s not about being fckboy or bad boy. 
 

I’m going to write more and the next text is her message to me

 

[Sony12]

The majority of the time when people try to get back in touch with an old flame it's because things ended with someone they did like and they are indeed looking to replace that person.

You two clearly aren't very compatible and if she ever tries to get back in touch with you again just say thanks but no thanks.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

This is just more of the same chaos. 

All the details aside, this is not the recipe for a healthy, solid relationship. Hopefully you see that now and steer clear of women like her in the future. 

[Tagalz]

9 hours ago, Sony12 said:

The majority of the time when people try to get back in touch with an old flame it's because things ended with someone they did like and they are indeed looking to replace that person.

You two clearly aren't very compatible and if she ever tries to get back in touch with you again just say thanks but no thanks.

 

Don’t think she ever will come back and I will never come back and then get hurt

[Tagalz]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This is just more of the same chaos. 

All the details aside, this is not the recipe for a healthy, solid relationship. Hopefully you see that now and steer clear of women like her in the future. 

Yea when in relationship it got to make us feel 100% secure. She is giving hot and cold behaviour and I’m always questionion myself on where I stand with her. That’s not healthy at all yeah

[Gebidozo]

As a side note, reacting to her offer to have sex with “I’m not that desperate” is very rude and off-putting. If a woman said that to me I wouldn’t be dating her.

In general you appear to worry a lot about being a “nice guy” (whatever you think that means) and as a result overthink things, hesitate, and appear to be somewhat passive. I definitely don’t excuse that girl’s hot and cold behavior, but I can see why she became disinterested.

[Tagalz]

5 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

As a side note, reacting to her offer to have sex with “I’m not that desperate” is very rude and off-putting. If a woman said that to me I wouldn’t be dating her.

In general you appear to worry a lot about being a “nice guy” (whatever you think that means) and as a result overthink things, hesitate, and appear to be somewhat passive. I definitely don’t excuse that girl’s hot and cold behavior, but I can see why she became disinterested.

Interesting. I do not think that’s the reason why she broke up with me. Sex is not mandatory. 

I know what «nice guy» mean. It’s a person who is people pleasing. You’re saying that I need to be more bad guy. Don’t be afraid to say and have my own opinion. Thing is, you don’t have to be bad guy, she does not require much. Someone who leads can be a nice guy as well and I did have my own opinion without apologizing. 

She just don’t have any romantic feelings and she said that last time.  By reading your comment I interpret this as she lost romantic interest and me being a people pleaser were a turn off

I thinks it would benefit if I copy and paste the text she sent me. 

Edited July 28 by Tagalz

[Tagalz]

We had lots of sex previously and she still broke up. That is why sex or not - it is not the whole reason

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, Tagalz said:

I do not think that’s the reason why she broke up with me. Sex is not mandatory. 

When one person wants sex and the second person says “I’m not that desperate”, it’s a pretty bad insult. Nobody wants others to sleep with them because they are desperate.

 

5 hours ago, Tagalz said:

You’re saying that I need to be more bad guy.

No, not at all - I never said anything like that. I’m saying you need to be more natural and not over-analyze everything.

 

[Sony12]

Next time if anyone is forward like that with you again don't say things like 'I'm not that desperate'. Say something like I'm not interested in casual sex'.

 

 

 

 

Edited July 28 by Sony12

[Tagalz]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

When one person wants sex and the second person says “I’m not that desperate”, it’s a pretty bad insult. Nobody wants others to sleep with them because they are desperate.

 

No, not at all - I never said anything like that. I’m saying you need to be more natural and not over-analyze everything.

 

I apologized for the bad insult. I know saying that hurted her when she’s been sexually frustrated even when on holiday. Imagine coming back and not having sex with each other for 1 months. It just shows I’m lacking in confidence and directness. 
 

The over-analyzing part are hitting me.. very true. I can tell you this. I went back to the chat we had. Just 1 week after she came back to me she asks:

»Do you feel that you are stressing to the right thing with me? Don’t fuss to much, don’t be too much, liking the same thing etc»

I replied: «Yea honestly I was like this before, but not much anymore. I take your criticsm that I’m to «careful» but right now I don’t care to make the right thing. I’m just being me.»  

How do you feel and interpret those two text?  

Here is my thoughts: I’m being negative saying I don’t care to make things right. I’m bringing up the past saying yes before I was careful but not now anymore. I got to remember when she came back I ALSO said «Trust is missing but we have to build this up» WHY do I bring up «Trust»? This signals to her that I’m projecting my insecurities to her. I’m bringing up the PAST because I was not completely healed from the breakup first time. Does that make sense? I need to be more POSITIVE. If she felt this? Probably I don’t know

[ExpatInItaly]

You just need to finally move on from this woman. 

Over-analyzing messages at this point serves no purpose. She was never going to stick around and that much has been clear since your first thread about her. 

[Tagalz]

I forgot to copy and paste the text she sent me. Here it is: 

But you, I've been thinking a lot about the last time we met. I think it's really nice to spend time with you, and I'm glad we gave this another chance. At the same time, I've been feeling more and more that the romantic chemistry unfortunately isn't there for me. I've been wanting to really feel sorry for you because I said something, because I know how nice a person you are, but I don't think it's right to continue romantically when the feelings aren't developing for me. For me, this is becoming more of a friendship where we have a lot of chances, can have fun and have a lot of common interests like gaming, etc. You haven't done anything wrong just so you know, and this isn't about you as a person. I love you. But I want and feel like I now have to be honest with you.

Jojo, it's flirting, it's not. I just don't really feel like my feelings are developing - and that's probably because you've been through what you've been through and I feel like this is more of a friendship (even though it hasn't just been that). I don't really know if that makes sense? I thought this was more of a very good friendship than anything romantic for me, and I've been really afraid to say it since the last time we were together because you're so kind and look out for me, and are just kind and good. Oh, the worst thing I know is having to hurt someone I care about and love.

If I were to try to explain it, it's like this - We're at slightly different places in life (and there's nothing wrong with that). You have your job, and your life situation, you're a little younger than me and I notice something about that at times, and I notice that you're very cautious which is not what I need - I need someone to guide me a little. And that's not criticism of you, it's just observation. You're very kind and cautious, and I'm a little more direct, and romantically we're kind of in love right there. I just want to emphasize that there's nothing wrong or wrong with you, because I found you incredibly kind, caring and safe. But romantically, unfortunately, I don't feel that way - and I found it very sad because I've grown to really like you as a person.

[Tagalz]

I’ve had time to think. I still feel everything is my fault. That I sabotage this relationship. 

She mentioned alot of me being «careful» and «Not leading/dominant» She’s a woman that knows that she wants in a man.. unfortunately I do not have these qualities she looks for. 

She lost interest when we did not have sex. This is a small part of the breakup. Got to REMEMBER we had lots of sex previously but still she broke up. 

I also feel like she feels my insecurities projecting to her. She’s tired of being the «Alpha» and it’s not compatible when I’m careful and she’s more direct. Who knows she could be nitpicking and come up with other reason to break up with me. 

She just does not have a valid reason when she just breaks up with me for the SAME REASON.. she just sit there and think «It just doesnt fit» 

I’ve told her about my life issues and I’m working on myself seeking pshyciatrist. I’m telling her that because I have low selfesteem due to me getting job, losing it and getting it + other things happening in my life. 

Relationships are build upon trust, forgiveness, love and communication. 

If she cannot accept my problems and build upon what he had before, then it’s not her fault

Her reason mentioning «romantic feelings» are just same reason as before. It’s nothing deeper that she thinks I’m not romantic enough

 

[Tagalz]

17 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You just need to finally move on from this woman. 

Over-analyzing messages at this point serves no purpose. She was never going to stick around and that much has been clear since your first thread about her. 

Analyzing the text helped me realize I was negative. Did you read what I wrote?

[Tagalz]

I know it’s alot to read but just to let everyone know that just be brutality honest with me. I can handle it

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Tagalz said:

Analyzing the text helped me realize I was negative. Did you read what I wrote?

SongLyrics & Tabs

 

Yes. 

My advice still stands. You need to move on with your life. 

Edited July 28 by ExpatInItaly

[Tagalz]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes. 

My advice still stands. You need to move on with your life. 

Easier said than done. Example: If I was in a marriage for 8 years and divorcing her, then I hear people say «move on?» no wonder why everyone is burnt out and unhealed from past relationships

I believe you can learn from every relationships. In order for me to «move on» I need to find and answer to this which I have not yet.

Edited July 28 by Tagalz

[Gebidozo]

12 hours ago, Tagalz said:

How do you feel and interpret those two text?  

The problem with texts is just that - it’s text. Anyone can say anything. Frankly, I don’t even understand what she meant there due to the dubious grammar of her message.

And you definitely need to stop overthinking this and move on. It didn’t work out with this girl.

In your next relationship, try to explain things less. From my experience, one of the things that really annoys most women is when a man comes to them with constant questions about their thoughts and behaviors and tries to fit romantic relationships into schemes.

Show, don’t tell.

[Gebidozo]

12 hours ago, Tagalz said:

I forgot to copy and paste the text she sent me. Here it is: 

Well, she is basically using a lot of murky words to tell you she doesn’t like you.

Please stop communicating with her. It’s over. Move on.

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, Tagalz said:

In order for me to «move on» I need to find and answer to this which I have not yet.

But you have the answer. She either didn’t like you enough to begin with or lost whatever interest she might have had. Especially after you told her having sex with her was akin to despair.

Also, probably your constant overanalyzing annoyed her. Even I’m slightly annoyed by how you keep asking the same questions, mulling over the same thoughts, and trying to fit complex human relationships into simple schemes. And trust me, women usually dislike that stuff more than men.

 

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, Tagalz said:

If I was in a marriage for 8 years and divorcing her, then I hear people say «move on?» no wonder why everyone is burnt out and unhealed from past relationships

Except you were not married to this woman for 8 years. You are trying to draw an imaginary comparison between an imaginary scenario and yours. 

Not in the same ballpark at all. 

Edited July 29 by ExpatInItaly

[Tagalz]

5 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

In your next relationship, try to explain things less. From my experience, one of the things that really annoys most women is when a man comes to them with constant questions about their thoughts and behaviors and tries to fit romantic relationships into schemes.

Show, don’t tell.

And why do you think it did not work out If In may ask?

You’re wrong on the last part. I’m not coming to her with constant questions about her thoughts.. I’ll explain this only if the conversations is allowing me to do so. 

those two text and further was her way of trying to understand me.. why I am careful. To understand why I don’t lead. She’s asking that because she already has been observed that I do it. I’ll explain to her why I am like that. Don’t see anything wrong here. I’ve already showed this is who i am - she tries to understand - I explain - she then understands

Otherwise I agree show and don’t tell.

[Tagalz]

5 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Well, she is basically using a lot of murky words to tell you she doesn’t like you.

Please stop communicating with her. It’s over. Move on.

Or maybe you did not understand it? 

She’s saying she don’t think I’m romantic enough to make her romantic feelings develop. 

[Tagalz]

5 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

But you have the answer. She either didn’t like you enough to begin with or lost whatever interest she might have had. Especially after you told her having sex with her was akin to despair.

Also, probably your constant overanalyzing annoyed her. Even I’m slightly annoyed by how you keep asking the same questions, mulling over the same thoughts, and trying to fit complex human relationships into simple schemes. And trust me, women usually dislike that stuff more than men.

 

 

 

This was a good read. I’m not looking for short answers like «move on, it’s over.» That’s why right there you’re saying something  

Yes, she didn’t like me enough to stay. If she really wanted me, she would stay, right. Her romantic feelings stopped developing after I rejected her yes. 

Then we both seem to agree that sex was another reason and me being «careful» which lead me to over-analyzing her words and text was too much for her. 

I’d say yea this is a fair reason for her to break up.

Hardest part about moving on is realizing that everything was my fault in this. I fcked this up. I could have been together with a girl that was way out of my league. How can I move on when all I think and feel about right now is that it’s my fault?

Edited July 29 by Tagalz