She came back

[Tagalz]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Except you were not married to this woman for 8 years. You are trying to draw an imaginary comparison between an imaginary scenario and yours. 

Not in the same ballpark at all. 

That was an example xD My point with that is people in general are using words «move on» loosely without them knowing that the other person going through a breakup might not need to hear this. That they need support. It applies to all kinds of breakup wether it’s divorce, romantic break up or friendship break up

[Tagalz]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Except you were not married to this woman for 8 years. You are trying to draw an imaginary comparison between an imaginary scenario and yours. 

Not in the same ballpark at all. 

That was an example xD My point with that is people in general are using words «move on» loosely without them knowing that the other person going through a breakup might not need to hear this. That they need support. It applies to all kinds of breakup wether it’s divorce, romantic break up or friendship break up. My opinion though!

[Tagalz]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Except you were not married to this woman for 8 years. You are trying to draw an imaginary comparison between an imaginary scenario and yours. 

Not in the same ballpark at all. 

That was an example xD My point with that is people in general are using words «move on» loosely without them knowing that the other person going through a breakup might not need to hear this. That they need support. It applies to all kinds of breakup wether it’s divorce, romantic break up or friendship break up. My opinion though!

[Tagalz]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Except you were not married to this woman for 8 years. You are trying to draw an imaginary comparison between an imaginary scenario and yours. 

Not in the same ballpark at all. 

That was an example xD My point with that is people in general are using words «move on» loosely without them knowing that the other person going through a breakup might not need to hear this. That they need support. It applies to all kinds of breakup wether it’s divorce, romantic break up or friendship break up. My opinion though!

[Tagalz]

@Gebidozo How did conclude that I told her having sex with her is akin to despair? 

«I said I wasn't desperate» does not mean I think having sex with her is awful. Not the same thing.

I was playing it cool. We were at a restaurant. I think I did not have the confidence there to go through. I could say «I need to wake up early tmrw» but I didn’t 

Edited yesterday at 09:45 AM by Tagalz

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Tagalz said:

My point with that is people in general are using words «move on» loosely without them knowing that the other person going through a breakup might not need to hear this

Do you not think most of us have been through break-ups? 

I'm not using those words loosley with you. It is clear that you are borderline obssessed with this woman and need to let go. 

[Tagalz]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Do you not think most of us have been through break-ups? 

I'm not using those words loosley with you. It is clear that you are borderline obssessed with this woman and need to let go. 

Yea people experience breakups throughout their lifes right but they also need time and help to get through 

[Sony12]

Tagalz not sure why you are having so much trouble with this. The girl broke up with you once already and now she is breaking up with you again in much the same way she did the first time. You seem like you are a little gullible.

[ExpatInItaly]

24 minutes ago, Tagalz said:

Yea people experience breakups throughout their lifes right but they also need time

I never said otherwise. 

What I am saying is that you are keeping yourself stuck by over-analyzing to the degree that you are. You are not going to help yourself move on by overthinking every exchange or the minutae of messages. 

14 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

You seem like you are a little gullible.

This is my take, too. 

[Tagalz]

52 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

Tagalz not sure why you are having so much trouble with this. The girl broke up with you once already and now she is breaking up with you again in much the same way she did the first time. You seem like you are a little gullible.

Yeah right isn’t that weird? She broke up with me for the same reason. Is that possible? 

Hahha yeah I trust people easily which makes me get easily tricked. I understand you’re saying I should have never gone back to her and believe what she says? 

[Tagalz]

41 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I never said otherwise. 

What I am saying is that you are keeping yourself stuck by over-analyzing to the degree that you are. You are not going to help yourself move on by overthinking every exchange or the minutae of messages. 

This is my take, too. 

I’m still firm on my opinion. Moving on is easier said than done. Some people may hear that once and they can move on. This is not me. I need to reflect on our relationship from beginning to now to look for the answers. Why? I need that in order for me to know what I need to work on to improve my character. 
 

Yes, over analyzing is not healthy. A partner should should be stress free and not make me stress about doing the right thing. Maybe that’s why this dynamic was not healthy in long run and it was better it broke up now than later

[Tagalz]

I think it's best to come to an conclusion so that I can move on. 

My thought: She lost interest after I rejected her on the sex part. I was not fully healed after the first break up which resulted that I projected my insecurities, She felt that I was following her and I was also being "Passive", Seems like I was more interested in her than she was in me, and I was overanalzying her words and text which made me stress alot in this relationship. On top of that I did not have the qualities she were looking after. She's more direct and I'm more respectful and careful. 

 

Edited yesterday at 03:46 PM by Tagalz

[Gebidozo]

6 hours ago, Tagalz said:

I said I wasn't desperate» does not mean I think having sex with her is awful.

That literally means that. That sex with her is so awful that a person must be desperate to want it.

 

6 hours ago, Tagalz said:

I was playing it cool.

Never do that.

That’s one of the worst things to do to your romantic partner. 

[Acacia98]

So lemme see if I got this straight:

She broke up with you because you weren't "dominant enough," then she decided she missed you, and once you reconciled, she decided you still weren't "dominant enough" and dumped you again?

And then throughout the time you were together again, she was psychoanalyzing you and finding fault with your "low self-esteem"?

Look, I have no doubt that you have weaknesses. We all do. And that includes her. I don't see any mention of what faults on her part may have led to the breakup and what she has done to address them. When two people reconcile, that's usually one of the conversations that happens. Both people are supposed to do an amount of introspection and to ultimately come together understanding what both of them need to do differently to make things work this time.

However, much of the interaction seems to be about how you don't measure up to her standards and need to change. Do correct me if I'm wrong.

My thinking is, if you have to change who you are for her to want to be with you, then you can't be compatible. It's that simple. So wish her well and go no contact.

Edited 19 hours ago by Acacia98

[Sanch62]

15 hours ago, Tagalz said:

I think it's best to come to an conclusion so that I can move on. 

My thought: She lost interest after I rejected her on the sex part. I was not fully healed after the first break up which resulted that I projected my insecurities, She felt that I was following her and I was also being "Passive", Seems like I was more interested in her than she was in me, and I was overanalzying her words and text which made me stress alot in this relationship. On top of that I did not have the qualities she were looking after. She's more direct and I'm more respectful and careful. 

 

Relationshipadvice forum

 

Okay, this sounds fine. I think most of us tend to land on a story we tell ourselves after a breakup to wrap up that chapter of our lives. As long as it’s not self destructive, it’s a reasonable thing to do. It’s also smart to trust that your future self will gain a perspective that you can’t fathom today, so make room for unknowns to be okay, and be gentle with yourself.

It makes no sense to compound your wounds with blame when the majority of everyone’s relationship experiments end with learning that the match seemed to hold promise at first, but nobody needs to be wrong or bad for the right fit to not happen.

Healing isn’t about finding faults when the right person for you will adore those aspects of you, or at least be able to tolerate them because, overall, you are so worth it to them.

Skip the fault seeking mission and aim to improve only aspects of yourself that you WANT to change. Don’t pretzel yourself for anyone.

Head high.

[Tagalz]

8 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

Okay, this sounds fine. I think most of us tend to land on a story we tell ourselves after a breakup to wrap up that chapter of our lives. As long as it’s not self destructive, it’s a reasonable thing to do. It’s also smart to trust that your future self will gain a perspective that you can’t fathom today, so make room for unknowns to be okay, and be gentle with yourself.

It makes no sense to compound your wounds with blame when the majority of everyone’s relationship experiments end with learning that the match seemed to hold promise at first, but nobody needs to be wrong or bad for the right fit to not happen.

Healing isn’t about finding faults when the right person for you will adore those aspects of you, or at least be able to tolerate them because, overall, you are so worth it to them.

Skip the fault seeking mission and aim to improve only aspects of yourself that you WANT to change. Don’t pretzel yourself for anyone.

Head high.

It's har to be gentle to myself when I realized I sabotage this relationship where I had the chance to keep her. Most people here seems to agree that the comment I made was the breaking point. It is that comment that still will be remembered for me. 

What do you mean by: "but nobody needs to be wrong or bad for the right fit to not happen." Obviously things did not work out when she was the right person? I think this can also be that I meet her at a wrong timing in my life. 

"Healing isn’t about finding faults when the right person for you will adore those aspects of you, or at least be able to tolerate them because, overall, you are so worth it to them." THIS!!! I remember a quite from Tom Hardy that sounds like this: "At your very best, you still won't be good enough for the wrong person, but at your absolute worst, you'll still be worth it to the right person." 

[S2B]

You aren’t a good match. She is a time waster. She came back? Because you allowed it - stop allowing it!

[Tagalz]

18 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

So lemme see if I got this straight:

She broke up with you because you weren't "dominant enough," then she decided she missed you, and once you reconciled, she decided you still weren't "dominant enough" and dumped you again?

And then throughout the time you were together again, she was psychoanalyzing you and finding fault with your "low self-esteem"?

Look, I have no doubt that you have weaknesses. We all do. And that includes her. I don't see any mention of what faults on her part may have led to the breakup and what she has done to address them. When two people reconcile, that's usually one of the conversations that happens. Both people are supposed to do an amount of introspection and to ultimately come together understanding what both of them need to do differently to make things work this time.

However, much of the interaction seems to be about how you don't measure up to her standards and need to change. Do correct me if I'm wrong.

My thinking is, if you have to change who you are for her to want to be with you, then you can't be compatible. It's that simple. So wish her well and go no contact.

Yeah that is a spot on oberservation! She broke up with me for the same reason as the first one not being dominant enough and throughout the time when we were together she was analyzing my behaviour and finding my fault yea. 

"Look, I have no doubt that you have weaknesses. We all do. And that includes her. I don't see any mention of what faults on her part may have led to the breakup and what she has done to address them. When two people reconcile, that's usually one of the conversations that happens. Both people are supposed to do an amount of introspection and to ultimately come together understanding what both of them need to do differently to make things work this time."

- oh shoot! I forgot to write about that! Well yeah I did tell her that she needs to let me speak. She's speaking to much where there is no space. I also said that her behaviour being hot and cold was making me stressed out. Our conversation where not about me, but also her trying to understand Why I am like that but at the same time it's her way of saying "Do you have those qualities?" "Are we able to build this relationship up?" 

"However, much of the interaction seems to be about how you don't measure up to her standards and need to change. Do correct me if I'm wrong."

- SPOT ON!

I want to add that it's like a second nature for her to be more dominant because she was like that in previous relationship. I can imagine that when she meets another man who also are dominant, it will be a fight for whoever is more dominant and she would surely don't like that if you know what I'm saying? 

Fighting for dominance is unhealthy and not stable. By the looks of it since she mention alot that I'm nice and safe it means that in her previous relationship she is used to the chaos, the chase and to be pursued so when a guy like me who treats her well and are safe, then she does not know how to feel and starts to find fault to break up with me

Thank you for taking your time to read and to understand my text!