What did I do wrong?

[Gebidozo]

13 hours ago, Mresponse said:

its not like I’m going to the first guy who likes me..but my eagerness/ low worth at the moment does make me hold on to men that make me cry once in an official relationship

The bold part is the key to your problems.

[Sanch62]

41 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Yes, it's about you staying too long in toxic relationships.   If you had good boundaries and left early on, you would have been free to date others and find your Mr Right.

I feel that you're so desperate for a husband that you'll take any kind of rubbish instead of being single

Yes, exactly. You put up with being put down. You don’t recognize that true partner material will be on the same side instead of viewing you as an adversary. He will not bash your character or appearance and call you names to deflect issues. He will join you in discussing your feelings and problems to support the relationship getting a win instead of trying to squelch you and make you feel small or deficient just to win an argument or keep you too insecure to believe you can do better than him.

Healthy people know how to spot that manipulative stuff and run instead of catering to it. You accept the mistreatment and stay in the false belief that you can turn a bad match into a good one. But the message that sends to the men you choose is a green light for escalation of mistreatment until one of you has had enough.

All that time is wasted on someone who doesn’t deserve you while you could have met someone who is healthy partner material. But if you’re not healthy enough to walk away from mistreatment, then you don’t know how to screen out bad matches to join healthy men on higher ground.

A good therapist can help you with this. Yours sounds like someone who is coasting along to keep you as a client rather than someone trained and skilled at helping you get clarity about your value, your values, and how to avoid settling for less than you desire and deserve.

[basil67]

Has your therapist unpacked why you'd grieve for a toxic relationship?  Have they unpacked why you stay too long?   Have they explained that abusers typically behave nicely in front of friends and family?

I'm wondering if this is all new to you.  Or if your therapist has explained all of this, but you're here repeating unhealthy patterns in your own thinking.

[Mresponse]

11 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Has your therapist unpacked why you'd grieve for a toxic relationship?  Have they unpacked why you stay too long?   Have they explained that abusers typically behave nicely in front of friends and family?

I'm wondering if this is all new to you.  Or if your therapist has explained all of this, but you're here repeating unhealthy patterns in your own thinking.

Just by saying I need to heal myself/ that bf 4 was highly immature and toxic and that my childhood/ my first bf are part of why this has happened. When I did IOP that therapist told Me it’s because she thought he was a narcissist and had to be perceived as nice to everyone else to boost his ego. But this most recent blindsiding incident is shocking because he was always so kind and loving to me in the past. My therapist always approved of him.

[Mresponse]

45 minutes ago, Sanch62 said:

Yes, exactly. You put up with being put down. You don’t recognize that true partner material will be on the same side instead of viewing you as an adversary. He will not bash your character or appearance and call you names to deflect issues. He will join you in discussing your feelings and problems to support the relationship getting a win instead of trying to squelch you and make you feel small or deficient just to win an argument or keep you too insecure to believe you can do better than him.

Healthy people know how to spot that manipulative stuff and run instead of catering to it. You accept the mistreatment and stay in the false belief that you can turn a bad match into a good one. But the message that sends to the men you choose is a green light for escalation of mistreatment until one of you has had enough.

All that time is wasted on someone who doesn’t deserve you while you could have met someone who is healthy partner material. But if you’re not healthy enough to walk away from mistreatment, then you don’t know how to screen out bad matches to join healthy men on higher ground.

A good therapist can help you with this. Yours sounds like someone who is coasting along to keep you as a client rather than someone trained and skilled at helping you get clarity about your value, your values, and how to avoid settling for less than you desire and deserve.

I can’t imagine something that peaceful. I’ve never had what you’re describing. I wonder if that person even exists for me. I hear you about how much time I’ve wasted that could have been spent finding the right person. I’m not sure what to think about my therapist..certainly looking at other options 

I felt so ashamed by the session I had with her right after the blindsiding. I was crying and in some crazy grief but she didn’t seem to care/ just wanted me to spend thousands on additional care and I was just thinking..aren’t I paying you to help me?

[Sanch62]

51 minutes ago, Mresponse said:

Just by saying I need to heal myself/ that bf 4 was highly immature and toxic and that my childhood/ my first bf are part of why this has happened. When I did IOP that therapist told Me it’s because she thought he was a narcissist and had to be perceived as nice to everyone else to boost his ego. But this most recent blindsiding incident is shocking because he was always so kind and loving to me in the past. My therapist always approved of him.

Is the approved guy the one who used emotional blackmail to keep you on the phone and used threats of a breakup to keep you in line?

None of those guys were healthy partners.

[basil67]

47 minutes ago, Sanch62 said:

Is the approved guy the one who used emotional blackmail to keep you on the phone and used threats of a breakup to keep you in line?

Waiting on confirmation of this before I respond to this line of discussion further.

Edited 3 hours ago by basil67

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Mresponse said:

I was crying and in some crazy grief but she didn’t seem to care/ just wanted me to spend thousands on additional care and I was just thinking..aren’t I paying you to help me?

I imagine that your psychologist feels that you need a psychiatrist in a residential setting.  It's quite normal for you to be referred to a more highly trained person if your issues are above the remit of the person you're seeing.

Kindly, it's very obvious from this end that your struggle is overwhelming you, and that you're not able to see things clearly.  It would not surprise me if your presentation has gotten to the point where it could be classified as a mental illness.   There's no shame in that!  A diagnosis is part of the pathway to finding a solution.

Edited 3 hours ago by basil67

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Mresponse said:

I felt so ashamed by the session I had with her right after the blindsiding. I was crying and in some crazy grief

With respect, your issues are likely above her paygrade. A therapist is not a pyschiatrist. 

Your level of despair and grief points at much deeper mental health problems. I would ask your general doctor for a referal, if you can. When therapy doesn't seem to be helping, you need to level up the care you receive.