What did I do wrong?

[Mresponse]

I have an ex from 3yrs ago who was the best thing to ever happen to me. He brought me so much peace and being with him felt like breathing. We had to breakup due to some issues I will not speak on.

fast forward to now- I had reached out to him and we reconnected. For the past 5 months we’ve been talking daily and have seen each-other in person a few times. I thought the relationship was deepening and I thought we were in a good place. Last week he messaged me he wanted to chat over the phone to talk logistics of a potential trip together.i was overwhelmed at the time and didn’t notice he asked for a call but I did respond with logistics for the trip/ how to make it easier on him. I thought we were good, we chatted that following week while I was on a work trip. When I returned he said he felt boxed out when I didn’t respond to him wanting to call. I apologized and told him I had not realized and always wanted him to feel safe. He then retracted wanting to see me and broke up with me. I started crying and then he retracted the breakup. I was shocked and I told him I just needed a few days to collect myself/ told him how much I cared for him. He texted me reassuring messages all week saying he knew he wanted me. Yesterday he gave me a call and officially broke up with me. I feel overwhelmed and distressed. I cannot stop thinking about how I caused this breakup and wondering if I didn’t handle that misunderstanding between us well? The grief is overwhelming and I would do anything for him

[basil67]

If I understand correctly, he messaged you asking for a phone call but you didn't see the message....and now he doesn't want to see you anymore?

Ask yourself why you want to be with someone who can't just call you without asking permission.  Ask yourself why you value someone who will stop seeing you because you missed a text asking for a call.   

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, Mresponse said:

I cannot stop thinking about how I caused this breakup and wondering if I didn’t handle that misunderstanding between us well?

Nah, this guy was looking for a way to call this off, make you feel bad about it, and  jerk you around. Someone who actually values you and your relationship isn't going to blow it all up for that reason. He wasn't going to stick around. I can nearly guarantee it. 

10 hours ago, Mresponse said:

We had to breakup due to some issues I will not speak on

Can I ask why not? This is an anonymous forum, and most of the time when posters say something like this, it's because they are trying to control the narrative by not revealing certain information that would paint one or both parties in a less-than-favourable light. What was so awful thay you are refusing to provide context? Relationships don't exist in a vacuum and often times, past break-ups provide substantial clues to subsequent ones. 

My feeling is that there are a lot of missing pieces to the puzzle and this is not the first time this man has treated you like you are disposable. This is not really normal behaviour for a grown man who respects and values his partner. 

[Gebidozo]

A person who breaks up over some unreturned phone calls or anything like that is either manipulative or immature - or both.

Perhaps you should ask yourself why you became so attached to someone who behaves like that.

It would be good if you told us why you broke up in the first place. Things don’t happen without a reason.

[Mresponse]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Nah, this guy was looking for a way to call this off, make you feel bad about it, and  jerk you around. Someone who actually values you and your relationship isn't going to blow it all up for that reason. He wasn't going to stick around. I can nearly guarantee it. 

Can I ask why not? This is an anonymous forum, and most of the time when posters say something like this, it's because they are trying to control the narrative by not revealing certain information that would paint one or both parties in a less-than-favourable light. What was so awful thay you are refusing to provide context? Relationships don't exist in a vacuum and often times, past break-ups provide substantial clues to subsequent ones. 

My feeling is that there are a lot of missing pieces to the puzzle and this is not the first time this man has treated you like you are disposable. This is not really normal behaviour for a grown man who respects and values his partner. 

 

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Nah, this guy was looking for a way to call this off, make you feel bad about it, and  jerk you around. Someone who actually values you and your relationship isn't going to blow it all up for that reason. He wasn't going to stick around. I can nearly guarantee it. 

Can I ask why not? This is an anonymous forum, and most of the time when posters say something like this, it's because they are trying to control the narrative by not revealing certain information that would paint one or both parties in a less-than-favourable light. What was so awful thay you are refusing to provide context? Relationships don't exist in a vacuum and often times, past break-ups provide substantial clues to subsequent ones. 

My feeling is that there are a lot of missing pieces to the puzzle and this is not the first time this man has treated you like you are disposable. This is not really normal behaviour for a grown man who respects and values his partner. 

Great questions. Thank you for your response! Reasons I broke up with him 3yrs ago: I got a promotion that would require me to move 3hrs away for a bit but not forever. I needed to take the job because it was a once in a lifetime thing and the money would help us out significantly in the future. Instead of having a conversation with me he shut down entirely. I’d bring up logistics and how to make it work and he’d just tell me he was tired of talking about it and then proceeded to look into buying a home in the state in which we met. That seemed like an odd move to me bc I wasn’t involved in the decision (later it would come out that he was doing that to try to get me to come back). Prior to this ending, throughout the relationship he wouldn’t bring up any issues or opinions of his own so the lack of healthy disagreements worried me. He also got a second dui while we were together and for me that was a concerning act because he put others lives at risk and his dad died from substance abuse. He spent the night in jail and his license got revoked for 8months. I wouldn’t say any of this was awful, more so areas to work on our communication and a desire to help him work on his mental health issues. 
we also lived in a co dependent bubble. Really only hanging out with eachother/ he’d rather be with me than with friends and if I didn’t text back in a certain amount of hours it would make him anxious which then made me anxious because I wanted him to feel safe, heard and loved but I struggled balancing connection with also maintaining a healthy life outside of the relationship. We also have different ways of regulating emotions. I like to take some space so I can process heavy emotions alone so I can be regulated in a conversation with him later. He said it was immature that I did that.

i just feel so distressed. I really care for him and I’m upset that I couldn’t seem to be there enough for him. Am I to blame/ wasn’t caring enough?

[Mresponse]

4 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

A person who breaks up over some unreturned phone calls or anything like that is either manipulative or immature - or both.

Perhaps you should ask yourself why you became so attached to someone who behaves like that.

It would be good if you told us why you broke up in the first place. Things don’t happen without a reason.

It wasn’t even an unanswered phone call. He said through text “maybe we can talk it through on a call this weekend”. I even called him later that week just to chat and he did not bring up that my lack of response made him stressed. I always want to take full accountability and understand if my actions are selfish. When he told me I was immature because I didn’t respond to the call request / did not inform him that I was traveling for work (I told him day of/ since we don’t even live in the same state I didn’t see anything wrong with how I communicated)

I responded to another commenter about why we broke up in the first place. Would love your thoughts on it because I just want to understand where I need to improve/ why I’m a bad partner. I will say the first 1.5yrs of our relationship were peaceful and it was the first time a felt safe unconditional love.

[Mresponse]

10 hours ago, basil67 said:

If I understand correctly, he messaged you asking for a phone call but you didn't see the message....and now he doesn't want to see you anymore?

Ask yourself why you want to be with someone who can't just call you without asking permission.  Ask yourself why you value someone who will stop seeing you because you missed a text asking for a call.   

You are correct! He texted me “maybe we can do a call this weekend to talk logistics” and I responded by listing out the plan instead of saying “yes let’s talk this weekend”. I honestly thought nothing was wrong. I even called him later that week just to chat and he didn’t bring up his distress at all. I would have loved to mend the miscommunication with him.

i feel like I can only keep love when I am super regulated and I say everything correctly. If I have a bad day or express distress to what a partner is saying then I’m left. Maybe there is something about me that isn’t good enough…I’d do anything to keep love

[Mresponse]

He also called me “flippant” but that feels like a projection because he tried to break up with me on that call, then when I cried he retracted it and apologized for the next week saying that he knew what he wanted. He wanted me. 3 days later he broke up with me without a single tear

[Mresponse]

These are some excerpts from the texts he sent me after the first time he tried to leave 

“I understand. I never wanted the conversation to escalate to the extent it did and i don't disagree, to which that feels like a broader indictment of my ability of processing the information than it is a reflection of you.

It was scary and telt like a wound being pried open, but did a poor job communicating that, regardless of

circumstance for you, with what you going on that week thru your work trip.” 

and then during the breakup call he said he has abandonment issues and stuff going on in his brain and that he loved me and that he wasn’t going to drag me through it. He also mentioned how I made him anxious and that he was hurt from the things that happened (explained in my first message). I told him I loved every part of him and wanted to hold his hand and help him through/ told him I’d move back to where he lives and be there everyday. In the end I know I basically begged and lost control of my own tears but the level of rawness felt uncontrollable

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, Mresponse said:

I responded to another commenter about why we broke up in the first place. Would love your thoughts on it because I just want to understand where I need to improve/ why I’m a bad partner. I will say the first 1.5yrs of our relationship were peaceful and it was the first time a felt safe unconditional love.

I’m sorry, but how is this:

2 hours ago, Mresponse said:

I got a promotion that would require me to move 3hrs away for a bit but not forever. I needed to take the job because it was a once in a lifetime thing and the money would help us out significantly in the future. Instead of having a conversation with me he shut down entirely. I’d bring up logistics and how to make it work and he’d just tell me he was tired of talking about it and then proceeded to look into buying a home in the state in which we met.

or all these

2 hours ago, Mresponse said:

we also lived in a co dependent bubble. Really only hanging out with eachother/ he’d rather be with me than with friends and if I didn’t text back in a certain amount of hours it would make him anxious which then made me anxious because I wanted him to feel safe, heard and loved but I struggled balancing connection with also maintaining a healthy life outside of the relationship. We also have different ways of regulating emotions. I like to take some space so I can process heavy emotions alone so I can be regulated in a conversation with him later. He said it was immature that I did that.

…can de described as “unconditional love”, “the best thing” that ever happened to you, or something that has brought you piece?

This doesn’t even qualify as a passable relationship - more like an array of red flags describing the kind of a person you do not want to be with.

And you are blaming yourself for these unhealthy dynamics? Maybe you should, in the sense that you allowed it to happen.

Edited 4 hours ago by Gebidozo

[Mresponse]

49 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

I’m sorry, but how is this:

or all these

…can de described as “unconditional love”, “the best thing” that ever happened to you, or something that has brought you piece?

This doesn’t even qualify as a passable relationship - more like an array of red flags describing the kind of a person you do not want to be with.

And you are blaming yourself for these unhealthy dynamics? Maybe you should, in the sense that you allowed it to happen.

I say it was unconditional because I could show up as my authentic self. He soothed me through a very tough job transition/ isolation when I first moved into town. He listened and we communicated well. We never argued and I didn’t feel anxious. He was so thoughtful too. When I’d come back from work trips he’d pick me up from the airport with flowers/ remembered the little things about me. What I described earlier were just the reasons I justified as a reason to breakup but all of those “negatives” seem workable/ just basic human flaws

and yes I blame myself at least for the ending because maybe I gave him a fear of abandonment due to our breakup from 3 years ago. And I blame myself bc I can’t figure out what my negative traits are/ why I was easy to leave  

[flitzanu]

5 hours ago, Mresponse said:

during the breakup call he said he has abandonment issues and stuff going on in his brain and that he loved me and that he wasn’t going to drag me through it. 

 

this is classic "it's not you, it's me" and as the others have said, this whole thing about a small incident missing a message about making a phone call is absolutely ridiculous and sounds like he is exhausting to deal with as a person

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, Mresponse said:

i feel like I can only keep love when I am super regulated and I say everything correctly. If I have a bad day or express distress to what a partner is saying then I’m left.

No - that is how this man treats you. 

It's a very dysfunctional relationship, and you absolutely cannot show up as your "authetnic self" - that's impossible when you're walking on eggshells to the degree that you did with this man. 

3 hours ago, Mresponse said:

nd I blame myself bc I can’t figure out what my negative traits are/ why I was easy to leave  

Well, if you dated a better guy who actually valued you, you wouldn't feel this way. This man has been yanking your emotional chain for years and it hasn't gotten better.

It's time to do a deep-dive on your self-worth and rebuild that. When you do, you will wonder why you bothered with any of this nonsense for so long.