What did I do wrong?

[flitzanu]

On 6/6/2026 at 5:52 PM, Mresponse said:

I think maybe I was avoidant? I was trying to take things slow and build trust again so he wouldn’t be scared. We talked everyday but maybe I should have invited him to my city more and expressed regularly how much I loved him/ would not leave. And when I’m stressed I like to take some space for myself to regulate my feelings/ don’t feel like I need to tell a partner about every little detail. But the space I take would not be more than 6 hours. When he tried to break up with me the first time it took me about 8hrs to text for two days because I was scared and didn’t know what to say but each day I did text that I cared about him and that I was taking space bc I didn’t know what to say and needed to settle. I just hate myself for it. Maybe I didn’t seem to care enough but I cared so much at least on the inside 

you don't run back to text someone when they broke up with you, you take that as a sign to stop communicating with them.

you keep asking about what you should have done differently, but you haven't actually talked about what this guy did for you.  did he come visit you? did he make time for you?  or are you the one that constantly had to chase him just to get a tiny amount of attention from him?

[Mresponse]

12 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

you don't run back to text someone when they broke up with you, you take that as a sign to stop communicating with them.

you keep asking about what you should have done differently, but you haven't actually talked about what this guy did for you.  did he come visit you? did he make time for you?  or are you the one that constantly had to chase him just to get a tiny amount of attention from him?

Right. I just mean when he said he wanted to break up the first time and then he retracted that statement THEN I took two days of space when we were technically together.

since I was the one who broke up with him years ago I understood I had to rebuild trust with him which kinda led us into a weird purgatory of dating but not. Once we kissed again about a month ago he said he wasn’t seeing anyone else and I said that I was ok keeping it open until he felt comfortable/ decided how he felt/ I thought that was the healthiest choice . We met in the middle point between our states and then he came to me once and then I stayed at his place 1x. I wasn’t chasing I just let it flow naturally/ let my gut decide what to do instead of intentionally pursuing him. And I think he was very much trying to respect space while we got to know each other again. He initiated lots of texting conversations, consistently checked in and sent encouragement on Strava. I only felt anxious once we kissed. I really started wanting the relationship again which was scary to me. I felt like he was pulling away but it might have just been anxiety talking. I didn’t bring up this fear bc I wanted it to work itself out naturally. He said he wanted to see a concert with me in my city (two weeks from now) and I thought about it through a logic perspective. How we’d make time/ what I’d need to clear from my calendar. I continued to ask about when he wanted to plan the trip together but overtime it felt like he thought I wasn’t interested which confused me. Something about the dynamic made me feel like I was too guarded and that I didn’t show my love enough (like not telling him about every work trip before they happened etc)

I think the distance made it difficult to see true intention

[Sanch62]

10 hours ago, Mresponse said:

When I say “unconditional” I mean I wish it was safe for me to not be perfect. Like to get upset sometimes or forget some things  but alway take accountability and apologize. But to me, love feels like one false move and I will be left

It IS safe for you to not be perfect when you are with the right person. If you find yourself walking on eggshells trying to be perceived as perfect, what should that tell you?

The goal isn’t to take up with someone, anyone, even if you don’t feel safe to be yourself and fulfill your desires for open and intimate communication. The goal is to keep meeting people until you find the right person with whom you strike simpatico and feel encouraged to simply be Who You Are.

Putting up with less than that IS stressful, and it’s a clear signal that you are wasting time with the wrong match who will judge you, sense your insecurity and use that to manipulate you and mistreat you knowing full well that you are desperate enough to tolerate it. And yes, he will grow bored of being with someone who will stick around to be taken for granted no matter how he behaves, so he will have one foot out the door by the time he points to the stupidest thing to pin on you as his reason for walking away. 

If you want to avoid that scenario, you’ll need to screen out men who make you feel uneasy enough to not be perfect, because as you’ve noticed, there is no such thing. When you don’t feel supported and encouraged to relax and be your imperfect self, you are with the wrong guy. That’s your signal to ditch the guy and stop wasting your time trying to tap dance to keep him. He will eventually reinforce your narrative and you will be back in the same position, holding onto the same beliefs in your wrongness that got you into trouble in the first place.

If you’re not willing to throw the wrong fish back into the water to go find a better one, then you will always be at the mercy of the wrong men who grow bored with you trying to be who they want. The common denominator is that you are too impatient and insecure to hold out for the right match for who you truly are. And the wrong men will never appreciate you, no matter what you do.

[Mresponse]

20 minutes ago, Sanch62 said:

It IS safe for you to not be perfect when you are with the right person. If you find yourself walking on eggshells trying to be perceived as perfect, what should that tell you?

The goal isn’t to take up with someone, anyone, even if you don’t feel safe to be yourself and fulfill your desires for open and intimate communication. The goal is to keep meeting people until you find the right person with whom you strike simpatico and feel encouraged to simply be Who You Are.

Putting up with less than that IS stressful, and it’s a clear signal that you are wasting time with the wrong match who will judge you, sense your insecurity and use that to manipulate you and mistreat you knowing full well that you are desperate enough to tolerate it. And yes, he will grow bored of being with someone who will stick around to be taken for granted no matter how he behaves, so he will have one foot out the door by the time he points to the stupidest thing to pin on you as his reason for walking away. 

If you want to avoid that scenario, you’ll need to screen out men who make you feel uneasy enough to not be perfect, because as you’ve noticed, there is no such thing. When you don’t feel supported and encouraged to relax and be your imperfect self, you are with the wrong guy. That’s your signal to ditch the guy and stop wasting your time trying to tap dance to keep him. He will eventually reinforce your narrative and you will be back in the same position, holding onto the same beliefs in your wrongness that got you into trouble in the first place.

If you’re not willing to throw the wrong fish back into the water to go find a better one, then you will always be at the mercy of the wrong men who grow bored with you trying to be who they want. The common denominator is that you are too impatient and insecure to hold out for the right match for who you truly are. And the wrong men will never appreciate you, no matter what you do.

I just think it’s wild that I showed up imperfect with him the first time and he loved me. Upon my return 3yrs later that was no longer the case. I really did just behave like me and I was relaxed until the last two weeks where I was totally blindsided. I mean…what the heck

i hear you. It just doesn’t feel like anyone will love me for me. It’s so deflating to continue to be treated like crap almost immediatly sometimes..before I’ve even bent my values

[Sanch62]

55 minutes ago, Mresponse said:

It just doesn’t feel like anyone will love me for me. It’s so deflating to continue to be treated like crap almost immediatly sometimes..before I’ve even bent my values

You keep repeating and reinforcing your same ol' narrative.

If you want change, change it. 

[Mresponse]

19 minutes ago, Sanch62 said:

You keep repeating and reinforcing your same ol' narrative.

If you want change, change it. 

Sorry I’m not meaning to. Your posts have been very helpful. I’m listening.
So to change you’re saying I should just leave at the first sign of crap/ disrespect?

not sure how to attract differently even if im direct and confident. Any advice on that part would be appreciated

[ExpatInItaly]

For all you know, he's been seeing someone else since you reconnected and decided to go that route and not be honest about it.

[basil67]

20 hours ago, Mresponse said:

When I say “unconditional” I mean I wish it was safe for me to not be perfect. Like to get upset sometimes or forget some things  but alway take accountability and apologize. But to me, love feels like one false move and I will be left

Nobody is perfect, but all partners are entitled to have deal breakers.   For instance, I would never be with a man who had a habit of raising his voice when upset.   If a guy who raises his voice is upset that I stop seeing him because of this, that's his problem.

That said, if a guy was getting upset about every little thing, then you're not a match anyway.

[Mresponse]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

Nobody is perfect, but all partners are entitled to have deal breakers.   For instance, I would never be with a man who had a habit of raising his voice when upset.   If a guy who raises his voice is upset that I stop seeing him because of this, that's his problem.

That said, if a guy was getting upset about every little thing, then you're not a match anyway.

He never got upset with me before..

I just hate the lack of clarity on what I did wrong. I don’t really know his dealbreakers. Do you have any advice for me on how I can figure out what I’m doing wrong? Love feels so fragile and hard 

I haven’t slept in days because my rumination is so intense

Edited 8 hours ago by Mresponse