What did I do wrong?

[Mresponse]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

The codependency is the foundation of all this: you live in each other's back pocket, he gets anxious if you don't text back within hours, you feel responsible for soothing his anxiety, you're willing to uproot your entire life for him. That's enmeshment.

Most importantly, you're constantly trying to be "good enough" to prevent abandonment. You're walking on eggshells, apologizing for things that aren't your fault, accommodating his needs at the expense of yours, taking blame for his choices, wondering what you did wrong. That's what toxic relationships do... they make you question your own reality and worth. The intermittent reinforcement keeps you hooked: he's wonderful one moment and coldly cruel the next, and your brain gets conditioned to seek his approval. The real damage is what it's doing to you, you're blaming yourself for his choices, wondering if you're toxic or not enough, willing to abandon your friendships and healthy coping mechanisms, afraid no one will ever love you. That's toxicity.

You knew three years ago something was off, and you were right. You have good instincts. The next time someone makes you feel like you need to be perfect to keep their love, or makes you feel small for your boundaries, or refuses to actually communicate... that's not a sign you need to try harder. That's a sign they're not the right person. 

This is so insightful. Thank you. You described the cycle in a way that provided me with a much better understanding.

  I think what I find interesting is I always felt safe to be with him the first time around and never felt like I was at risk of losing him. The second time around I felt the same/ did not overthink texts but was more mindful of texting time. The ending of both relationships is when I was surprised by him. I felt surprised and alone in both but the second felt more brutal bc it was the first time he called me a name/ was flippant about feelings. It’s hard not to think if he felt like I was enough then I’d be worth staying for.

but I hear you. This dynamic was not a sign for me to try harder. I will keep your thoughtful message on my phone and return to it when I feel extra heavy. Thanks again for your analysis

[basil67]

11 hours ago, Mresponse said:

Compromise on amount of time needed to decompress after a disagreement. Communicate better about taking space and set a time limit 

This one stood out to me - I'm wondering if the arguments are the actual problem, not your decompression time.

When you and your partner (or mother) argue, what do they arguments look and sound like?   For example are there raised voices?  Any name calling or insults?  Any throwing of objects hor hitting stuff?  How often do they happen?   Do you feel that your view is heard or dismissed?  

For context, in the 30 odd years I've been with my partner, I've yelled at him once (and he deserved it).  There is one time he could have been justified yelling at me, but he held back.  Neither of us have ever seen our parents yell at each other or behave disrespectfully towards each other.  

 

[Mresponse]

31 minutes ago, basil67 said:

This one stood out to me - I'm wondering if the arguments are the actual problem, not your decompression time.

When you and your partner (or mother) argue, what do they arguments look and sound like?   For example are there raised voices?  Any name calling or insults?  Any throwing of objects hor hitting stuff?  How often do they happen?   Do you feel that your view is heard or dismissed?  

For context, in the 30 odd years I've been with my partner, I've yelled at him once (and he deserved it).  There is one time he could have been justified yelling at me, but he held back.  Neither of us have ever seen our parents yell at each other or behave disrespectfully towards each other.  

 

Congrats on 30yrs!!
I’m not a big arguing person. I have never yelled and I’ve never heard my parents yell at each other. My mom and my oldest sister will just get very firm and distressed. No name calling or throwing things. I think the tone stresses me out and I try very hard to choose my words wisely. I can become very closed off and slow to respond because of this if I feel like they’re really getting emotional. I feel like I can’t say anything right and Im misunderstood. It might cause me to cry. If I explain my side or the feelings involved it gets them hyped up. Great example is me and my sisters difference in faith- she urges me towards her lifestyle and blames my sadness on a lack of her type of faith. I tell her I’ll always respect her side but I want her to understand and be in my world too/that immense joy is found in many things. She told me one time that I’m the only person that makes her mad and that made me so sad..I’ve always wanted to be close to her and idk why I cause her distress but I feel very dismissed. Our lives are the polar opposite of eachother This is how I feel about my romantic relationships too.

I have very productive conversations with my dad and my other sister though 

Conflict in relationships- it feels very fragile. I try to control my words but sometimes my emotions get the best of my and I will cry intensely. In a few relationships on the man’s side there would be name calling, mocking and asking why I was crying bc I wasn’t hit. I tend to loop on an issue if it hasn’t been resolved or there’s no apology from there end. I’ve had a few defensive partners who struggled with this. In two relationships we didn’t argue at all. I always try my best to soothe and not get defensive but I leave the convos a lot of time like it’s my fault. When that happens, recovery time can be slow on my end bc I feel unsafe

Edited June 16 by Mresponse

[basil67]

27 minutes ago, Mresponse said:

I’m not a big arguing person. I have never yelled and I’ve never heard my parents yell at each other. My mom and my oldest sister will just get very firm and distressed. No name calling or throwing things. I think the tone stresses me out and I try very hard to choose my words wisely. I can become very closed off and slow to respond because of this if I feel like they’re really getting emotional.

What's going on that your mother and sister get very firm with you?    Is this about your ongoing depression? 

27 minutes ago, Mresponse said:

 If I explain my side or the feelings involved it gets them hyped up. Great example is me and my sisters difference in faith- she urges me towards her lifestyle and blames my sadness on a lack of her type of faith. I tell her I’ll always respect her side but I want her to understand and be in my world too/that immense joy is found in many things. 

Oh, I don't like when people this! I have no religion and have zero tolerance for pushing one's belief on others.  Have you told her "I don't s*** on your beliefs, and I will not have you s*** on mine".    

27 minutes ago, Mresponse said:

She told me one time that I’m the only person that makes her mad and that made me so sad..I’ve always wanted to be close to her and idk why I cause her distress but I feel very dismissed. 

I can only guess, but am going to be honest with my guess:  You clearly have a couple of mental health issues which are distorting reality for you.  This distorted reality is making you miserable.  And if you're miserable to be around it rubs off on others, and you may be repeating things which come from your distorted reality and it's driving them nuts

Have you made steps to see a psychiatrist or go to a short term residential facility to get the help you need?   Your psychologist appears to think you need it too.

41 minutes ago, Mresponse said:

Conflict in relationships- it feels very fragile. I try to control my words but sometimes my emotions get the best of my and I will cry intensely.

This is again likely being exacerbated by your mental health.  The crying is likely related to you being depressed because the act of crying releases endorphins which help calm you.  That said, you should never be with someone who makes you cry intensely.

41 minutes ago, Mresponse said:

In a few relationships on the man’s side there would be name calling, mocking and asking why I was crying bc I wasn’t hit. I tend to loop on an issue if it hasn’t been resolved or there’s no apology from there end. I’ve had a few defensive partners who struggled with this.

This is abusive behaviour on their part.  Do you recognise this?  

41 minutes ago, Mresponse said:

I always try my best to soothe and not get defensive but I leave the convos a lot of time like it’s my fault. When that happens, recovery time can be slow on my end bc I feel unsafe

Can't comment without knowing if you're referring to abusive exes or good people who are trying to help and are exasperated

 

[Mresponse]

14 minutes ago, basil67 said:

What's going on that your mother and sister get very firm with you?    Is this about your ongoing depression? 

Oh, I don't like when people this! I have no religion and have zero tolerance for pushing one's belief on others.  Have you told her "I don't s*** on your beliefs, and I will not have you s*** on mine".    

I can only guess, but am going to be honest with my guess:  You clearly have a couple of mental health issues which are distorting reality for you.  This distorted reality is making you miserable.  And if you're miserable to be around it rubs off on others, and you may be repeating things which come from your distorted reality and it's driving them nuts

Have you made steps to see a psychiatrist or go to a short term residential facility to get the help you need?   Your psychologist appears to think you need it too.

This is again likely being exacerbated by your mental health.  The crying is likely related to you being depressed because the act of crying releases endorphins which help calm you.  That said, you should never be with someone who makes you cry intensely.

This is abusive behaviour on their part.  Do you recognise this?  

Can't comment without knowing if you're referring to abusive exes or good people who are trying to help and are exasperated

 

Yea mainly my stress about being alone, wondering what I’m doing wrong and feeling unfulfilled without my own family /breakup from guy 3 (1yr ago) was exceptionally challenging and altered my reality

i do not want to drive others nuts. It totally sucks. Having “multiple mental health issues” also just freaks me out because..am I nuts?? The pain from these relationships have just sucked the joy and hope from me and it’s difficult to believe that love exists for me

im overall a pretty stable human. Can show up with a good demeanor around friends and my job is stable…because of that im wary of inpatient but I’m open to other groups/ maybe some sort of medication although im pretty anti mood stabilizer 

and yes i realize the guy who mocked me showed abusive tendencies. I think we brought out eachothers worst. And maybe I’m just bad at conflict because issues never get hashed out in a calm way

[basil67]

5 minutes ago, Mresponse said:

Yea mainly my stress about being alone, wondering what I’m doing wrong and feeling unfulfilled without my own family /breakup from guy 3 (1yr ago) was exceptionally challenging and altered my reality.  i do not want to drive others nuts. It totally sucks.

Yes, if you're talking to them on similar topics like how you started the thread here, this would be wearing on those around you.  And yes it totally sucks to drive others nuts. 

5 minutes ago, Mresponse said:

Having “multiple mental health issues” also just freaks me out because..am I nuts?? The pain from these relationships have just sucked the joy and hope from me and it’s difficult to believe that love exists for me

im overall a pretty stable human. Can show up with a good demeanor around friends and my job is stable…because of that im wary of inpatient but I’m open to other groups/ maybe some sort of medication although im pretty anti mood stabilizer 

I think your mental health is a bigger drain on your joy and hope than the ended relationships.    And frankly, describing someone who has a mental health disorder as being "nuts" is offensive.  I don't know where you got this from but society used this kind of terminology for decades.  Your brain is like any other part of your body, and if it's giving you a lot of trouble, you do what you can to fix it.  

It may be possible to push your mental health aside when around your friends and job, but all this mess is still rattling around in your head and making you hard to live with - not just for your mother and sister, but also living with yourself!   And I'm going to add that poor mental health would make relationships difficult for even the best boyfriend.

You mention mood stabilizers.  Have they been suggested to you?  Are you seeing a psychiatrist?  

[Mresponse]

11 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Yes, if you're talking to them on similar topics like how you started the thread here, this would be wearing on those around you.  And yes it totally sucks to drive others nuts. 

I think your mental health is a bigger drain on your joy and hope than the ended relationships.    And frankly, describing someone who has a mental health disorder as being "nuts" is offensive.  I don't know where you got this from but society used this kind of terminology for decades.  Your brain is like any other part of your body, and if it's giving you a lot of trouble, you do what you can to fix it.  

It may be possible to push your mental health aside when around your friends and job, but all this mess is still rattling around in your head and making you hard to live with - not just for your mother and sister, but also living with yourself!   And I'm going to add that poor mental health would make relationships difficult for even the best boyfriend.

You mention mood stabilizers.  Have they been suggested to you?  Are you seeing a psychiatrist?  

To clarify- I’m saying that I personally feel nuts. Some of the most impressive people I know struggle with mental health issues and I respect them a great deal.

So if you feel as though my mental health is poor and would make things difficult for any man then that explains a lot about my losses then. I guess it is me. Thanks for your time and I’ve appreciated your feedback

[basil67]

33 minutes ago, Mresponse said:

To clarify- I’m saying that I personally feel nuts. Some of the most impressive people I know struggle with mental health issues and I respect them a great deal.

So if you feel as though my mental health is poor and would make things difficult for any man then that explains a lot about my losses then. I guess it is me. Thanks for your time and I’ve appreciated your feedback

If you feel like you're going nuts, then it's just another reason to see a psychiatrist.

And going back to the start, IT'S NOT ALL YOU FAULT!!  Some of your relationships have been toxic AF, and the only difference that having good mental health would have made is that you would have kicked them to the kerb much earlier than you did. 

Your fixation on the idea that you are always the problem is part of your mental health condition.....and your mental health condition would also affect your relationships.  Two things can be true at the same time.   If you fixate only on blaming yourself, things will not improve for you

Edited June 16 by basil67

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Mresponse said:

So if you feel as though my mental health is poor and would make things difficult for any man then that explains a lot about my losses then. I guess it is me

You really have a way of twisting people's words to fit your narrative.

 

[Mresponse]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You really have a way of twisting people's words to fit your narrative.

 

And see two things can be true at once. You can see in this forum I have listened to others but I too am to blame a I can see it in your feedback. I have acknowledged what was my partners and at the same time, as I describe how I feel and the cycle my words have gotten under your skin, misunderstood or we simply disagree. I really am trying to pick the right words but they seem to be wrong.

If I stranger is saying I’m twisting words and I don’t realize..that simply adds to the narrative that maybe a lot of it is my fault. It doesn’t seem like I should trust myself in conflict. 
 

 

6 hours ago, basil67 said:

If you feel like you're going nuts, then it's just another reason to see a psychiatrist.

And going back to the start, IT'S NOT ALL YOU FAULT!!  Some of your relationships have been toxic AF, and the only difference that having good mental health would have made is that you would have kicked them to the kerb much earlier than you did. 

Your fixation on the idea that you are always the problem is part of your mental health condition.....and your mental health condition would also affect your relationships.  Two things can be true at the same time.   If you fixate only on blaming yourself, things will not improve for you

I hear you. Thanks for the feedback 

[Gebidozo]

14 hours ago, Mresponse said:

If I stranger is saying I’m twisting words and I don’t realize..that simply adds to the narrative that maybe a lot of it is my fault. It doesn’t seem like I should trust myself in conflict. 

No.

Just because you do twist words to promote a certain narrative of victimhood and guilt it doesn’t mean that it confirms any aspect of that narrative. On the contrary, it only highlights its detachment from reality.

In plain words: you are a victim where you think you’re guilty (being treated badly by your boyfriends), but you are guilty where you think you’re a victim (thinking that you’re doomed to have bad relationships and being too obsessed with them).

 

Edited June 17 by Gebidozo

[Mresponse]

26 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

No.

Just because you do twist words to promote a certain narrative of victimhood and guilt it doesn’t mean that it confirms any aspect of that narrative. On the contrary, it only highlights its detachment from reality.

In plain words: you are a victim where you think you’re guilty (being treated badly by your boyfriends), but you are guilty where you think you’re a victim (thinking that you’re doomed to have bad relationships and being too obsessed with them).

 

Gotcha. I screenshotted your message and put it into chat gpt so I wouldn’t misunderstand. The below is what it gave me. If this is wrong feel free to correct. I really am trying to understand and it’s not I’m intention to twist 

“You make normal relationship mistakes, then after a breakup you turn those mistakes into a global indictment of your worth.

That’s the cycle I think the forum poster is trying to point at”

In my mind the victimhood you speak of is  sadness and a desire to understand my role. I get that a relationship is made up of two imperfect people. I am not saying I have the worst life ever- I crave fixing my own world. Thanks for the feedback/ assistance!

[Mresponse]

But yea basically I don’t trust myself and my own recall because I’m not intentionally trying to twist anything. I’m telling you what my brain is processing and so that’s why I take it seriously if I make a partner mad or they tell me “that’s not what I said” I’m more likely to believe them over me

[Mresponse]

I just cannot stop the grief. I miss him so much and hate myself for making the mistake of breaking up with him 3yrs ago

[ExpatInItaly]

You need the sort of help this forum cannot offer you. 

Are you doing anything about that?

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Mresponse said:

I just cannot stop the grief. I miss him so much and hate myself for making the mistake of breaking up with him 3yrs ago

Have you booked a psychiatrist yet?

[Acacia98]

12 hours ago, Mresponse said:

I just cannot stop the grief. I miss him so much and hate myself for making the mistake of breaking up with him 3yrs ago

I hope you're not planning to date anyone any time soon. You've got a lot of work to do to get to the place where you're ready to date. Everyone's suggestion that you consult a professional should be your biggest priority.

And then, on the subject of wanting to have family and life being otherwise empty, I just want to point out that you can still have family or other close meaningful relationships even if you end up not meeting Mr. Right soon. Close friendships are a great place to start.

Also, I realize that adoption and fostering are not for everybody, but if you are open to those possibilities, you could start looking into them down the road.

FWIW, I'm in my 40s and still dating. My life is very much meaningful and enjoyable. Don't limit yourself by imposing deadlines and rigid ideas of what should be on yourself. 

Something else you could do is join an organization that mentors kids, something along the lines of Big Brothers Big Sisters. I also would really, really encourage you to get into reading books about relationships and psychology. I've learnt a lot about myself by doing that, become more self-aware, learnt to set better boundaries, etc.

[Mresponse]

To answer the last 3 responses: 

1. I’m doing what my therapist has requested- I’ve signed up for dbt group therapy (and outside of her advice I’m also seeing another therapist who has an ocd focus)

2. Community is super important to me! I have great friends and I’m on the board for a local big brother/big sister program and philanthropy chair of my professionals group. I definitely agree with you on the importance of that but it doesn’t fill this particular hole (I get that maybe therapy can help here)

3. I agree on the book front. I’ve been into self help books for a few years (Attached, Stop Letting Everything Affect you, The Book of Joy and The Happiness trap..just to name a few) if you have any other recommendations I’m all ears!

so it feels kinda funny. Usually people describe me as heavily involved in the community and super positive. No one can see how I actually feel

[Mresponse]

5 hours ago, Mresponse said:

To answer the last 3 responses: 

1. I’m doing what my therapist has requested- I’ve signed up for dbt group therapy (and outside of her advice I’m also seeing another therapist who has an ocd focus)

2. Community is super important to me! I have great friends and I’m on the board for a local big brother/big sister program and philanthropy chair of my professionals group. I definitely agree with you on the importance of that but it doesn’t fill this particular hole (I get that maybe therapy can help here)

3. I agree on the book front. I’ve been into self help books for a few years (Attached, Stop Letting Everything Affect you, The Book of Joy and The Happiness trap..just to name a few) if you have any other recommendations I’m all ears!

so it feels kinda funny. Usually people describe me as heavily involved in the community and super positive. No one can see how I actually feel

Also my therapist just terminated our relationship today

[ExpatInItaly]

Get yourself a referral to an actual psychiatrist, not a therapist. 

 

[basil67]

8 hours ago, Mresponse said:

Also my therapist just terminated our relationship today

Did they give a reason?

[Mresponse]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

Did they give a reason?

1. I moved awhile ago. I found her in the state I lived in when I was dating my ex. Then when I moved she was just supposed to be the bridge/ find a therapist who was registered in my state

2. she didn’t feel like we were getting anywhere and she felt like she was part of the dynamic (again I’ve been with her for 5/6yrs)

3. Other reasons that she didn’t state but I’m assuming: I think I concerned her with my level of emotions in this most recent breakup. She felt withdrawn on our call discussing it. When I told her I had called 988 she didn’t see it as additional help but rather, that I was in danger. She asked if she had the correct emergency contact on file and that freaked me out. I thought she’d put me away so I revoked the contact. The plan wasn’t to keep it like that, I just wanted to discuss it on the next call. 
 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Mresponse said:

Then when I moved she was just supposed to be the bridge/ find a therapist who was registered in my state

2. she didn’t feel like we were getting anywhere and she felt like she was part of the dynamic

Did she cite both of these as reasons, then?

 

[Mresponse]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Did she cite both of these as reasons, then?

 

Yes. She said both 1 and 2

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Mresponse said:

Yes. She said both 1 and 2

I think she was right that you two are no longer a fit. It is best that you find a medical professional, which a therapist is not.