crazy_grl Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 I am forgetting about her and moving on... dating others... finding fun things to do. Good for you. I know it's hard not to, but you do also seem to be focusing on how she'll respond to you and thinking of ways to get her back. You've got to stop those kinds of thoughts and force yourself not to worry about her. It is tough to do though. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author kjo314 Posted January 17, 2006 Author Share Posted January 17, 2006 I also realize that she knew everything that went on in my life... There was no mystery and I need to create that again. If not with her then for the net relationship. I ahve realized many things throughout this breakup.. The biggest being that no matter how much a woman says they want to be with you. That is probably too much... I put everythign off for her because she asked me and then she knew everythign that happened in my life and became uninterested.. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 To me it's a combination of both, but in order to win and keep a woman interested in you I believe you have to maintain some aloofness. That doesn't mean you don't communicate. I believe that to be essential in any successful relationship. I agree with this 100% Aloofness is good is the infancy of a relationship.. after 10 years there is no aloofness to be had though.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kjo314 Posted January 17, 2006 Author Share Posted January 17, 2006 I still like her and no matter what I would love to keep her as a friend... she is a good person...... She really is. I would love another shot but I am not going to expect it. What I am doing is the path to healing in both ways.... Moving on and the possibility of gettingher back... Maybe by going on dates I will meet the woman of my dreams... never know.. I am not going to put my life on hold for her though.. That would be dumb. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 Reading through this thread, it looks like kjo is playing quite a game. You're right that women (and people in general) are attracted to people who are confident, self-assured, etc. That's why kjo should stop playing this game with her and try to start accepting that she's gone. It's the worst catch 22 ever, but he's probably only going to have a shot at getting her back when he respects her decision to end things and when he really gets over her instead of just playing at it. Exactly. He needs to let it go, focus on healing himself and rebuilding his confidence and self esteem. It doesn't matter if he won her back right now, it would fail again because he has not made the improvements he would need to keep her. That's why so many reconcilliations fail. When you win an ex back and you haven't truly embraced change, it's doomed to failure. But if you have truly changed, and it takes months not weeks or days, they will see that and want to know what happened. I see my ex tomorrow and she'll be seeing a much more confident, self-assured and happy guy. Something she rarely saw when we were dating Now, even if she doesn't email or call me after I see her, I am not worried. What's more important is that I get to test my newfound confidence and self-esteem under pretty trying circumstances. Either way, I know I am confident, good looking and a great catch for the right woman 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 I see my ex tomorrow and she'll be seeing a much more confident, self-assured and happy guy. Something she rarely saw when we were dating great. ..... Link to post Share on other sites
cygny Posted January 17, 2006 Share Posted January 17, 2006 Art Critic has some really great points but the one thing I don't know about is whether being in or out is really so black and white. I think that most of the time it is pretty grey. It is what courtship is all about. Seduction in the good sense. Creating attraction or at least the conditions for it. Everybody has their own 'emotional space' and the more you let some one in to yours, the more intimacy you have with them. It is a process of opening up, seeing that you have a chemistry and things in common, then opening up some more. And when someone else lays their cards on the table too soon, before YOU are there at that same place, it's like you are forced into a black and white choice. I think attraction is more like a dance. it's a dynamic. Almost a paradox, because it requires intimacy and yet mystery or excitement too. If you've intruded on someone's emotional space and at the same time you have been too open to the point of no mystery, you kill it. If there are deeper feelings there, they can be rekindled by the other person stepping back and regaining their mystery. As long as other parts of the relationship were good, it can be done, although of course there is no guarantee. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kjo314 Posted January 17, 2006 Author Share Posted January 17, 2006 Amen.... I agree Link to post Share on other sites
Author kjo314 Posted January 18, 2006 Author Share Posted January 18, 2006 Any updates... Cygny Link to post Share on other sites
cygny Posted January 18, 2006 Share Posted January 18, 2006 hi there kjo! what's new? Link to post Share on other sites
Author kjo314 Posted January 18, 2006 Author Share Posted January 18, 2006 Nothin new just wonderin what I should be putting in this e-mail to send to her. Link to post Share on other sites
cygny Posted January 19, 2006 Share Posted January 19, 2006 ok well let us know when you've been out flirting and had a date so we can compose something! Link to post Share on other sites
Author kjo314 Posted January 19, 2006 Author Share Posted January 19, 2006 K I went out last night to a party and I am going ut tonight to a movie with a girl...Should be fun Link to post Share on other sites
Author kjo314 Posted January 20, 2006 Author Share Posted January 20, 2006 U there cygny Link to post Share on other sites
cygny Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 hi kjo-- good for you--let us know how it goes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kjo314 Posted January 20, 2006 Author Share Posted January 20, 2006 IT went good... we saw a funny movie... it was fun.... got to knwo each other a little bit better. She told me to call her again so that we coudl go out some more. Link to post Share on other sites
cygny Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 ok--well how about another date this weekend? it's still too early to email your ex, let's give it a little more time. Think of this space you are creating as if it were a rubberband, the longer you go without replying to her the more she will wonder about you and feel the void--so let the rubberband stretch and stretch--- ideally we would wait for her to contact you again--that gives us a way to guage her emotional attachment right now. do you understand? it's a little like testing the limits. like an experiment. plus it gives you the upper hand, which you definitely need to keep. right now, it's as if you've dumped her, because she made the last contact, wanted to keep in touch, but you've moved on and are happy without her. see? Link to post Share on other sites
cygny Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 just as a reference--the length of time you wait gives her a clue as to how strong and independent you've become. i waited 4 months once. a guy that was interested in me waited 8 weeks to contact me. it nearly drove me crazy because i couldn't stop wondering whether he still liked me. to have attraction you first of all have to feel the distance. so let her feel the distance. Link to post Share on other sites
cygny Posted January 22, 2006 Share Posted January 22, 2006 kjo--my vacation is nearly over and i won't be able to hang around here as much. if you feel like it, you can put an email in your file and i'll send you mine. otherwise, good luck with everything!! i am soooo glad you are going out and getting your mind off ex. maybe you won't even want her back, LDRs suck anyway, lol. but i'm still happy to help, whatever you decide! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author kjo314 Posted January 22, 2006 Author Share Posted January 22, 2006 how do I do that Link to post Share on other sites
cygny Posted January 22, 2006 Share Posted January 22, 2006 go under your profile and put it in your details section. i already put an email in mine--you can reach me there. life may get pretty hectic for me because i have new projects and will be travelling 'round the world so give me a day or two to get back to you if i don't respond right away, 'kay? Link to post Share on other sites
cygny Posted January 22, 2006 Share Posted January 22, 2006 corrected my email addy. Link to post Share on other sites
jerbear Posted January 29, 2006 Share Posted January 29, 2006 I have read alot on this site last few days. I do believe that there should be some distance. To keep it short, I believe in cygny's advice and I would personally take a look at it. I am currently in that state but I will start another thread. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts