cygny Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 I won't go overboard.... but I need your help.... yes I am working on the whole date thing... trust me... I went to a party last night and had a ton of fun.. talked to a couple women... it was fun Are my chances slim to none or do I actually have a chance of getting this woman back? I know this is the best no matter what the outcome is but.... I don't want to hurt her. I just can't imagine a slighty assholish or jerkish guy being a turn on to some women... I don't know.. Maybe I am a wuss. you have a chance but no guarantees. she liked you enough to be with you for a year, and your relationship sounds respectful and good. the thing about her being in florida cuts both ways. it gives you time and space to develop this new skill but she will also be distracted by what is around her. GREAT that you went to a party and chatted up some women, did you get any phone numbers to ask them out? don't worry so much about hurting her. a little hurt is going to be good for her. i'm a woman so i can say that. she will NEED to feel a twinge or two in order to be attracted again, she's not going to make a rational decision to be with you again, it will be emotional this time--you've got to be willing to do that or you might as well forget it now-you will be wasting your time. it will get her attention. don't worry you don't need to be a jerk, but then again your definition of a jerk might be different than mine. the thing is, your attitude might be too soft--that is probably why she fell out of love with you in the first place. think about that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kjo314 Posted January 15, 2006 Author Share Posted January 15, 2006 Yea you are probably right... Her e-mail at the beginning of the post still gets to me... I don't know..... I get what you need me to do I just need guideance seeing as I have never been like this before.. It will be good for me though She isn't very emotional so I have to figure it out... Not only that I know that the only thing that will distract her is her work... not other guys. I was only the 3rd guy she dated in like 10 years. She isn't looking for any guy or any relationship Link to post Share on other sites
cygny Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 Yea you are probably right... Her e-mail at the beginning of the post still gets to me... I don't know..... I get what you need me to do I just need guideance seeing as I have never been like this before.. It will be good for me though She isn't very emotional so I have to figure it out... Not only that I know that the only thing that will distract her is her work... not other guys. I was only the 3rd guy she dated in like 10 years. She isn't looking for any guy or any relationship well then she is alot like me. i am very into my work, on the educated and intellectual side of things, and have only been with a few guys. i was married for quite a while. i was attracted to his strength and sensitivity but then he got too soft and it killed things (there were other problems too but i won't go into that here). point is, i might be a good surrogate for her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kjo314 Posted January 15, 2006 Author Share Posted January 15, 2006 yea.... Won't waiting too long piss her off and make her think like I don't care about her anymore.... is that the wrong thing to do?? Won't she just assume I don't want to talk to her and leave me alone?? Yea you two sound a like.... HELP ME GET HER BACK.... Thank you so much for all you ahve done already... even if she doesn't come back I can feel myself feeling better about this whole situation Link to post Share on other sites
cygny Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 good glad you feel better. you sound like a great guy and i am happy to help if i can. about her being pissed. put yourself in her place for a minute. have you ever been in a relationship or liked a girl where for some reason you lost your feelings for her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author kjo314 Posted January 15, 2006 Author Share Posted January 15, 2006 no not really.... i was datign a girl once and really hadn't developed feelings for her and she started getting to clingy... then I told her it wasn't working out and never heard from her again... but that didn't hurt me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kjo314 Posted January 15, 2006 Author Share Posted January 15, 2006 What I am getting at is ... you don't think that she doesn't "care" about me anymore... her friend said she only has "friends" feelings for me now... is this the way to get those "feelings" back... is by shutting her out... Link to post Share on other sites
cygny Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 no not really.... i was datign a girl once and really hadn't developed feelings for her and she started getting to clingy... then I told her it wasn't working out and never heard from her again... but that didn't hurt me. it didn't hurt you. exactly. you must have liked her to begin with. but when she started liking you more than you liked her, that made her "look" clingy to you--actually she was probably just enthusiastic to be with you, moreso than you were. the same thing has happened to your girlfriend. except that you have more of a history and she still cares about you as a person, probably very much so. Link to post Share on other sites
cygny Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 What I am getting at is ... you don't think that she doesn't "care" about me anymore... her friend said she only has "friends" feelings for me now... is this the way to get those "feelings" back... is by shutting her out... feelings can be gotten back, not always, but sometimes they are just lying dormant. especially in situations like yours where one person has gotten too predictable. if you had done rotten things to her or were just obviously incompatible and the relationship had never been deep, there'd be much less chance. question i have is how strong was your passion, emotionally. was there ever alot of spark or passion there? did you ever say i love you? did she? sometimes relationships between people like the two of you are much less romantic. that makes it harder. it will be easier if there was lots of chemistry on BOTH sides. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kjo314 Posted January 15, 2006 Author Share Posted January 15, 2006 Ummm... I can't count the amount of time we said it every day.... We did lots of passionate things together... Vacations we took together.... She lived with me for 6 months... she claims that we had fundamental differeneces but when I asked her what they were she said "I don't know" which leads me to belive that it was just an excuse. We didn't always choose the right paths in the realtionship... Sometimes accidents occured on both sides but nothing major (accident being me forgetting to pick her up once or picking her up 5 minutes late) or something of that nature.. Or not cleaining my room right away. Stuff like that... but we worked it out in the end. She said I love you all the way till the day she broke up with me... even in some of her e-mails she would say (I still love you... even if you don't think I do.. just right now I need life to be simple) Things like this confused me but I am not sure.. Link to post Share on other sites
cygny Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 how "strong" were the feelings? sweep-you-off-your-feet strong? or more stable and steady? what was it like when you first got together? how did that happen? Link to post Share on other sites
Author kjo314 Posted January 15, 2006 Author Share Posted January 15, 2006 What do you mean??? We always were passionate... We always cuddled. we were alwasy together... we helped each other out. we took classes together.. we worked on projects for each other... Please explain more liek what you mean so I can give you a better example Link to post Share on other sites
cygny Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 What do you mean??? We always were passionate... We always cuddled. we were alwasy together... we helped each other out. we took classes together.. we worked on projects for each other... Please explain more liek what you mean so I can give you a better example the stuff you describe is warm and fuzzy and companionate but not strongly passionate or sexual. Link to post Share on other sites
cygny Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 here's an example. when my husband first started liking me, he left a date with another woman early in order to come to a ball where i was with another guy. he walked straight up to me and kissed me passionately on the lips right in front of this other guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kjo314 Posted January 15, 2006 Author Share Posted January 15, 2006 Ok... now I get it.... We had sex... a lot... we always did the candlelight thing and always did little things for each other... sending cards.... leaving e-mails and VM's..... Getting little gifts fro each other... Celebrating all the "Love": holdiays etc... even sweetest day. We took a vacation together toCharleston SC for our year anniver. and it was awesome... We alwasy randomly did things for the fun of it. We had romantic dinners... and took side trips little weekend get aways together.. We always did things together.... We always said I love you... Link to post Share on other sites
cygny Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 another example: when i was going through separation and divorce, a guy I had known from college flew from london to the usa just to see me 2 hours for lunch. leading up to it was some emailing that was very challenging. he was not 'nice'. he grilled me about the reasons for my breakup and told me what i needed to do in order to make it possible for me to be with him. Link to post Share on other sites
cygny Posted January 16, 2006 Share Posted January 16, 2006 Ok... now I get it.... We had sex... a lot... we always did the candlelight thing and always did little things for each other... sending cards.... leaving e-mails and VM's..... Getting little gifts fro each other... Celebrating all the "Love": holdiays etc... even sweetest day. We took a vacation together toCharleston SC for our year anniver. and it was awesome... We alwasy randomly did things for the fun of it. We had romantic dinners... and took side trips little weekend get aways together.. We always did things together.... We always said I love you... ok that is romance not warm and fuzzy--but still not exactly passion--which is more exciting and almost violent. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kjo314 Posted January 16, 2006 Author Share Posted January 16, 2006 We did have passion... I mean you could tell it..... it was exciting all the time... I think that is what you are talking about... Sometimes it woudl get kinda freaky and violent expecially in the bedroom area... it was fun to be in a realtionship with her.... we never got in fights... we had one major fight and that was it. Link to post Share on other sites
cygny Posted January 16, 2006 Share Posted January 16, 2006 We did have passion... I mean you could tell it..... it was exciting all the time... I think that is what you are talking about... Sometimes it woudl get kinda freaky and violent expecially in the bedroom area... it was fun to be in a realtionship with her.... we never got in fights... we had one major fight and that was it. well this is what you are going to have to reawaken in her. feelings of yearning, the freakiness and violence of emotions. you are not going to do that by being mr nice guy and being too available. you have to somehow create excitement about yourself and what you are doing now without her, you are going to have to make her a little jealous and basically take the attitude that you don't give a damn what she thinks. Link to post Share on other sites
cygny Posted January 16, 2006 Share Posted January 16, 2006 what was the letter she was responding to in your first post on this thread? had you been asking for a commitment of some kind? Link to post Share on other sites
Author kjo314 Posted January 16, 2006 Author Share Posted January 16, 2006 I need help in doing that... I am not longer going to send her cards and e-mails of compassion and all that... I used to send her "care packages" cause she was stressed.... NO MORE! I still need help on this freakiness it is rough becase we are so far away Link to post Share on other sites
cygny Posted January 16, 2006 Share Posted January 16, 2006 good no more care packages, you are not her mom. instead you must show her your sexual animal side, your innate masculinity. otherwise she will continue to have the friendship feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kjo314 Posted January 16, 2006 Author Share Posted January 16, 2006 How do I do that with her sooo far away? Link to post Share on other sites
cygny Posted January 16, 2006 Share Posted January 16, 2006 How do I do that with her sooo far away? it is perfect because she emailed you. and she is not around to see you much. so we will use time and space and some very well chosen words. it may work and it may not, but in any case, you will at least have some fun with it. Link to post Share on other sites
cygny Posted January 16, 2006 Share Posted January 16, 2006 tell me more about the breakup and the letter you had written, then you need to work on your dating life. it's not enough to present an image of you going out with others, that part has to be real. Link to post Share on other sites
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